For the Love of Ray J: The Mute Who Talked Too Much

Woo hoo! Your man Ray J is back. A week without Ray J is like waiting a week for test results. You know that really important test that you retake several times because the results could mean the end of life as you know it. The test that makes you start thinking of all the meaningless sex you’ve had and how it could have ultimately ruined you. Those really important test results that could change the course of your entire life. You know what I’m talking about. The SAT! Well never fear, the skanks are here and they bought a little friend too.

This weeks episode opens with Cocktail and Chardonnay playing cricket or some other sport involving a really high net and a racket. Chardonnay doesn’t realize that this is one sport that doesn’t involve laying on her back.

The girls then proceed to have a dance party of sorts.

The Mute can’t participate in the dance contest.

The Mute grows a pair (of vocal chords) and reveals what we have all been waiting for: Cocktail was on The Bad Girls Club and she played the role of a golddigger.

Am I the only one who found it hilarious that as the eery music is playing and The Mute is calling her out they show Cocktail doing this?

And this

The Mute, aka Cashmere, wants to rat her out and goes to Unique with the info. Now I’m no rockin’ scientist but Unique has a chronic choking problem and cost her entire team a date with Ray J, just last episode. Unique will gladly use Cashmere for the purpose of getting Cocktail out of the house and agrees that Ray needs to know.

Lil B is back, hooray! But effin’ Ray J comes in and takes over the announcement! Doesn’t he know that I personally look forward to Lil B’s mutant features and smoker’s voice each week?! This week, the girl’s have to show Ray J one of their talents so that he can connect with what the girls like to do.

The winner will also get a date with Ray. Lil’ B hands out books so the girls can get whatever materials they need. They’re even kind enough to give the Future Babies’ Mommas of America a picture book to avoid the hassle of reading.

Our Miami party girl, Feisty, has no clue what to do because she is only passionate about “having a couple of drinks.”

Cocktail decides to play basketball with Ray J. All of the girls agree, and Cocktail admits, that she’s not even into it but she wants to do what he likes. Cocktail tells Ray that they’re going to play basketball. Ray is not impressed.

Then she explains that the loser has to take off the winner’s choice article of clothing whenever they miss.

And then Ray J drops one of his tasteful comments. And I quote…..

The next date is with Feisty, our resident alcoholic. Turns out Feisty is also passionate about exercise and being licked.

Feisty shares with us that she feels Ray J is “into her physically”.

Ray wants to know if Feisty is more than a party girl so he asks her if she’s ever had a threesome. Feisty-licious says she attempted a threesome but it never went through because the girl began throwing up. That’s gotta be in the Top 10 things I’d never admit to anyone.

Lil B escorts Ray to his date with The Mute.

Cashmere steps up her game and ask Ray J, in a complicated series of blinks, to take pictures of her modeling. Ray J misinterprets a coupe of blinks and begins undressing.

The Mute re-blinks her message and tells Ray that he’ll be taking pictursof her. He puts on his photographer hat and gets to work. The producers are kind enough to subtitle The Mute’s blinks.

Ray J then practices his SAT double entendre skills.

Ok, maybe he didn’t say that last one. So, Ray says that usually photographers get to sleep with their clients and Cashmere gives him the stink eye. And coming from her, that means a lot!

Ray is none too pleased and interviews that she’s under a lot of pressure and he’s not sure if she can handle it. He tries his hand at signing so that Cashmere might understand.

Ray J goes in for a quick feel.

Cashmere decides that this is the time to tell Ray about Cocktail but she goes all mute again and never lets the cat out of the bag. Neither cat. Cashmere says she knows she’s at the bottom of the list and I see the beginnings of a Lil’ Hood-style breakdown. In preparation for her date, Dirty Danger is busy mixing her bodily fluids.

Never have I ever cringed in such disgust at two peope on a date.

Danger is going to have them take turns painting blindfolded. Maybe the winning portrait will end up on the other side of her face.

The date ends quickly, thank God, and Ray J moves on to his date with Chardonnay. Chardonnay is going to cook spaghetti with Ray because as she says “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

Chardonnay makes me feel dirty. Maybe it’s the fact that her entire wardrobe seems to be from the $10 spot. You know the places where nothing is more than $10 but when you go there with only a $10 bill they suddenly add tax and you have to grab your ho dress and run like hell before they can stop you? Yeah, those stores. I mean there’s nothing wrong with mixing and matching skanky, cheap stuff, but that can’t be your whole wardrobe. And who wants a chef that’s wearing lingerie. Spaghetti and pubes anyone? But I digress. Ray pours some Grey Goose into the ground beef, they eat and he feels that there wasn’t much to the meal. Color him unimpressed. Maybe there is something to that whole Ray J is a spoiled brat thing that Lil’Hood was talking about.

Flavor “Yeah Boyeee” Flav would have never said anything like that! Ray could stand to learn a thing or two. One of those things being to not date women who are brazenly using this show for exposure and can’t even pull that off without choking.

They proceed to sing a song together. The lyrics are “You make me feel so good inside.” Unique was barely able to harmonize let alone catch on to the words. Thankfully, the singing was short-lived and Unique talks AGAIN about how she never has to chase a man and this is all new to her. Blah, blonde, blah…

Cut to The Mute and Feisty. Stacks has called from home to confirm that Cocktail was on The Bad Girls Club.

The Mute says she’s going to EXPOSE (a la Thing 1 and 2 from Flavor of Love 3) Cocktail tonight. Ray J gathers the girls that evening to reveal the winner. THE WINNER IS….NO ONE AGAIN! Ray can’t decide who he wants to take on a solo date. Ok, this is not the first time he’s pulled a stunt like this. Girls, there’s a litte book/movie out there that of which you may have heard. “He’s Just Not that Into You.” Read book, insert Ray J wherever the word ‘he’ is used, apply it to your life and move on from this trainwreck.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Ray was gay. I mean does he like any of these chicks?!?! He was able to choose from the entire country and still…nothing. Anygay, Ray decides to impress us with his French and repeatedly calls the waiter at the restaurant ‘Mizshoo’ which is his version of monsieur. Then the girls decide to play ‘I Have Never’. ‘I Have Never’ AKA ‘Never Have I Ever’ is a game in which one drunkard speaks of an exploit and the other drunkards imbibe whence upon they admit that they’ve also participated in such a task. If you don’t like that explanation, too bad! The show didn’t even explain the premise of the game. I only know because I’ve never played ‘Never Have I Ever’ and consequentially I had to take a shot.

Ok that Heidi pic was kinda random but that was one of the funniest Hills moments ever. What can I say? I’m a reality TV junkie. So, the game starts and it turns out that most of them have kissed girls (except Ray J), been in jail and faked an orgasm. Ray J is especially saddened that al of the girls have faked an orgasm.

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