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Woo hoo! Your man Ray J is back. A week without Ray J is like waiting a week for test results. You know that really important test that you retake several times because the results could mean the end of life as you know it. The test that makes you start thinking of all the meaningless sex you’ve had and how it could have ultimately ruined you. Those really important test results that could change the course of your entire life. You know what I’m talking about. The SAT! Well never fear, the skanks are here and they bought a little friend too.
This weeks episode opens with Cocktail and Chardonnay playing cricket or some other sport involving a really high net and a racket. Chardonnay doesn’t realize that this is one sport that doesn’t involve laying on her back.
The girls then proceed to have a dance party of sorts.
This is dancing.
This is dancing with lice. Any questions?
The Mute can’t participate in the dance contest.
“One blink means I’m doing the tootsee roll.”
The Mute grows a pair (of vocal chords) and reveals what we have all been waiting for: Cocktail was on The Bad Girls Club and she played the role of a golddigger.
“I dig gold with this hand.”
Am I the only one who found it hilarious that as the eery music is playing and The Mute is calling her out they show Cocktail doing this?
“Ray’s gonna pay for me to have these done.”
“This is the finger I’m gonna tickle him with.”
The Mute, aka Cashmere, wants to rat her out and goes to Unique with the info. Now I’m no rockin’ scientist but Unique has a chronic choking problem and cost her entire team a date with Ray J, just last episode. Unique will gladly use Cashmere for the purpose of getting Cocktail out of the house and agrees that Ray needs to know.
Lil B is back, hooray! But effin’ Ray J comes in and takes over the announcement! Doesn’t he know that I personally look forward to Lil B’s mutant features and smoker’s voice each week?! This week, the girl’s have to show Ray J one of their talents so that he can connect with what the girls like to do.
The winner will also get a date with Ray. Lil’ B hands out books so the girls can get whatever materials they need. They’re even kind enough to give the Future Babies’ Mommas of America a picture book to avoid the hassle of reading.
They seriously gave them picture books.
Our Miami party girl, Feisty, has no clue what to do because she is only passionate about “having a couple of drinks.”
Poster girl for immigration reform
Cocktail decides to play basketball with Ray J. All of the girls agree, and Cocktail admits, that she’s not even into it but she wants to do what he likes. Cocktail tells Ray that they’re going to play basketball. Ray is not impressed.
“You think I wanna play ball cuz I’m Black?”
Then she explains that the loser has to take off the winner’s choice article of clothing whenever they miss.
“You best to not catch that!”
And then Ray J drops one of his tasteful comments. And I quote…..
The next date is with Feisty, our resident alcoholic. Turns out Feisty is also passionate about exercise and being licked.
“Just tell me where to put it!”
“Now it’s your turn Ray.”
Feisty shares with us that she feels Ray J is “into her physically”.
Into you, inside of you….potato, potatoe.
Ray wants to know if Feisty is more than a party girl so he asks her if she’s ever had a threesome. Feisty-licious says she attempted a threesome but it never went through because the girl began throwing up. That’s gotta be in the Top 10 things I’d never admit to anyone.
Lil B escorts Ray to his date with The Mute.
“Your man gave my escorting skills 3 snaps in a “Z” formation.”
Cashmere steps up her game and ask Ray J, in a complicated series of blinks, to take pictures of her modeling. Ray J misinterprets a coupe of blinks and begins undressing.
“I’ll definitely get you that autographed picture of Brandy now.”
The Mute re-blinks her message and tells Ray that he’ll be taking pictursof her. He puts on his photographer hat and gets to work. The producers are kind enough to subtitle The Mute’s blinks.
Ray J then practices his SAT double entendre skills.
“I like driving into things.”
“Beep, beep. Here I come!”
“I wanna hit it from the back like my sister did in that accident.”
Ok, maybe he didn’t say that last one. So, Ray says that usually photographers get to sleep with their clients and Cashmere gives him the stink eye. And coming from her, that means a lot!
“But I said all those double entourages, entacos…whatever!”
“Nah…didn’t change anything.”
Ray is none too pleased and interviews that she’s under a lot of pressure and he’s not sure if she can handle it. He tries his hand at signing so that Cashmere might understand.
Ray J goes in for a quick feel.
“I’m mute not blind.”
Cashmere decides that this is the time to tell Ray about Cocktail but she goes all mute again and never lets the cat out of the bag. Neither cat. Cashmere says she knows she’s at the bottom of the list and I see the beginnings of a Lil’ Hood-style breakdown. In preparation for her date, Dirty Danger is busy mixing her bodily fluids.
Never have I ever cringed in such disgust at two peope on a date.
Danger is going to have them take turns painting blindfolded. Maybe the winning portrait will end up on the other side of her face.
The date ends quickly, thank God, and Ray J moves on to his date with Chardonnay. Chardonnay is going to cook spaghetti with Ray because as she says “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
“I’m tryna figure out how to get to your stomach, girl.”
Chardonnay makes me feel dirty. Maybe it’s the fact that her entire wardrobe seems to be from the $10 spot. You know the places where nothing is more than $10 but when you go there with only a $10 bill they suddenly add tax and you have to grab your ho dress and run like hell before they can stop you? Yeah, those stores. I mean there’s nothing wrong with mixing and matching skanky, cheap stuff, but that can’t be your whole wardrobe. And who wants a chef that’s wearing lingerie. Spaghetti and pubes anyone? But I digress. Ray pours some Grey Goose into the ground beef, they eat and he feels that there wasn’t much to the meal. Color him unimpressed. Maybe there is something to that whole Ray J is a spoiled brat thing that Lil’Hood was talking about.
Flavor “Yeah Boyeee” Flav would have never said anything like that! Ray could stand to learn a thing or two. One of those things being to not date women who are brazenly using this show for exposure and can’t even pull that off without choking.
They proceed to sing a song together. The lyrics are “You make me feel so good inside.” Unique was barely able to harmonize let alone catch on to the words. Thankfully, the singing was short-lived and Unique talks AGAIN about how she never has to chase a man and this is all new to her. Blah, blonde, blah…
Cut to The Mute and Feisty. Stacks has called from home to confirm that Cocktail was on The Bad Girls Club.
In Memory Ep.1 – Ep. 5
Guest appearance Ep. 6
The Mute says she’s going to EXPOSE (a la Thing 1 and 2 from Flavor of Love 3) Cocktail tonight. Ray J gathers the girls that evening to reveal the winner. THE WINNER IS….NO ONE AGAIN! Ray can’t decide who he wants to take on a solo date. Ok, this is not the first time he’s pulled a stunt like this. Girls, there’s a litte book/movie out there that of which you may have heard. “He’s Just Not that Into You.” Read book, insert Ray J wherever the word ‘he’ is used, apply it to your life and move on from this trainwreck.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Ray was gay. I mean does he like any of these chicks?!?! He was able to choose from the entire country and still…nothing. Anygay, Ray decides to impress us with his French and repeatedly calls the waiter at the restaurant ‘Mizshoo’ which is his version of monsieur. Then the girls decide to play ‘I Have Never’. ‘I Have Never’ AKA ‘Never Have I Ever’ is a game in which one drunkard speaks of an exploit and the other drunkards imbibe whence upon they admit that they’ve also participated in such a task. If you don’t like that explanation, too bad! The show didn’t even explain the premise of the game. I only know because I’ve never played ‘Never Have I Ever’ and consequentially I had to take a shot.
Ok that Heidi pic was kinda random but that was one of the funniest Hills moments ever. What can I say? I’m a reality TV junkie. So, the game starts and it turns out that most of them have kissed girls (except Ray J), been in jail and faked an orgasm. Ray J is especially saddened that al of the girls have faked an orgasm.
“Even last night when we had that menage six?” Are you kidding me bon ami? mon miami? Mizshoo?”
Feisty goes in for the kill and asks if anyone’s been on another reality show. No one drinks.
Unique pushes The Mute to speak up and she does it! Cashmere calls Cocktail out for being on “The Bad Girls Club…or something like that.” Newsflash Cashmere, the show you’re on IS something like that. Feisty takes Cocktail’s silence for admission of guilt and asks the all important question: So why didn’t you drink when I asked that question?”
“There are like so many thirsty Cubans in Miami.”
Cocktail gets all defensive and says she didn’t wanna share that info because it was none of “your guyses business.” What’s up with pluralizing plural words? Cocktail is starting to sweat a little and when it’s safe, in jumps Unique with a question for Ray J.
Bitch, does the English language click in your mind? That question didn’t even make sense! And I will not blame it on the alcohol. I vote for that to be the dumbest question directed at the wrongest person of the year. Ray J doesn’t care about this because he’s high.
Ray doesn’t understand this! He just doesn’t understand how a person could use someone else for publicity.
Ray J has a very limited memory.
The dinner ends at that point and they all head back to the house. Ray and Cocktail have a talk outside and as she’s talking he’s looking around all shady like.
And I’ll be darned, he really is getting high!
Ray heads inside and Cocktail asks him to come back out so they can finish talking but all we see is Ray getting in the bed by himself. No menage six tonight…The next morning, Ray is sober and announces that he’s taking Unique and Feisty out on a date. He doesn’t feel like he’s broken the ice with Feisty yet and Unique…well he had to get her out of the house to leave Cashmere all alone with the three other girls in the house that hate her. Unique is delusional as ever.
“I was the best thing cooking.”
Let’s get two things straight. Number one, you didn’t cook-Chardonnay did…badly. Number two, you weren’t the “best” at anything. You were second best and that’s why you have three people on your solo date. The rest of the girls are going to lunch with Lil’B and The Mute is scared because Danger, Chardonnay and Cocktail are angry with her after last night’s outburst.
“Maybe if I keep my eyes closed they won’t be able to see me.”
Ray J takes Feisty and Unique to the pool at the Roosevelt and they begin bonding the only way the know how.
Then they have a lip stretching contest.
“Wrong lips baby girl.”
Unique tells Ray that she doesn’t see him with anybody in the house, anybody at all!
” No damn body, ya heard? And you better not even think of gettin’ with me! No got damn body at all!”
Ray picks up on these oh so subtle hints.
Really though, Unique just laughs and doesn’t answer the question. I HOPE this is just clever editing. Unique then begins the process of throwing Feisty under the bus and emphasizes the fact that she’s conservative and classy and Feisty just wants to party.
Let’s get back to our friend of many blinks, The Mute. The remaining four girls go to lunch with Lil’B and they begin discussing what happened last night.
The girls then convince Cashmere that Unique is evil and using Cashmere. They also convince Cashmere that she was wrong for what she did although Cocktail has been ratting people out all season i.e. Stilts, Caviar, Lil’ Hood. Danger explains that Unique has put a “Magnito Mind Melt” on Cashmere. That sounds like it’d be great with some tomato and bacon. Cashmere goes back on mute and Lil’B has traded her trend of starting sentences with “Your man” to “Cashmere.” I actually counted. In less than 21.2 seconds, she starts three sentences that way. Lil’B is on the other girls’ side and starts jumping down our poor little mute’s useless throat.
“Cashmere, I really like your hair but mine is real.”
Cashmere says she doesn’t like counting or competition and becomes stressed. Back at the pool, Unique (the bleached walrus) refuses Ray’s request to get into the water for fear of drowning. Yeah right Unique, like your bloated behind wouldn’t just rise to the top.
This is the most uppity chick I’v ever seen on a dating show. This is par for the course. You go on the show to get to know a man and do a bunch of fun, free stuff. Maybe Unique doesn’t want the chlorine to affect her chokal cords. Feisty jumps right into the pool and she’s not worried about drowning.
Feisty and Ray are getting really close in the pool and Feisty says he’s so cute she could eat him. Unique doesn’t like the idea of sharing her snack and she springs into action. Well it’s more like she jiggles into action. The cameraman wastes no time and even shakes the camera for effect. Unique jumps in as they play creepy jaws-like music which is totally making me LOL.
Unique either tells Feisty to leave or she ate her; I’m still not sure. Ray proceeds to hump her. Ray explains that he likes thick women because they have extra stuff to hold onto. He must be in love with Unique then.
After they return from the date, Cahsmere goes into Ray’s room and she’s all confused after lunch with the other girls. Cashmere feels like she is not being herself and isn’t sticking out enough.
Ray tries to convince her that she’s doing well but Cashmere is still not convinced. After Cashmere leaves, he says that she started backing down when it got heated; he liked the fact that she called Cocktail out at dinner. Cashmere pours her heart out to Unique who basically tells her whatever happens, happens. I didn’t know a walrus could have such snakelike qualities. At elimination, Ray aks for private time with each girl.
We’ve come to the final glass. Cashmere says she doesn’t know what to do and she decides to go home. I can’t take it anymore!!! She went from trying to get people kicked out of the house to kicking herself out of the house. She then said she didn’t want to get her heart broken. Where did that come from? We never even addressed that. Another one down…
Chardonnay says that everyone who clings to Unique ends up going home and that sets the ground for next episode. Unique and Danger have it out and Feisty goes full Miami! Leave a comment or I’ll sign YOU up to audition for season 2 of this slow-mo trainwreck. P.S. They really have begun casting already. You might see me there…just to get insider info of course!