For the Love of Ray J: Smashing Homies Since 1998

“Strap your f*%kin’ boots on and let’s get in the motherf*%kin’ mud!”

Is it wrong that I’m completely naked in my rain soaked backyard wearing thigh high boots and rubbing my tea kettle hoping that Ray pops out?

See? Even the craziest ho just needs a good old fashioned ‘hot breath in the face’ talking to.

Danger convinces herself that he’s just being nice to Cocktail; he doesn’t really want her. Call it what you want but something tells me Ray got in Cocktail’s mud…The next morning, Ray gathers the girls and announces that Grandma is coming for a visit.

Unique exlcaims that she has to meet Grandma, except she pronounces it Gramma. Repeatedly.

Ray has brought his grandmother, brother and cousin to meet the girls.

Then they ask the girls why they came.

She then proceeds to explain that she also interviewed him and thought he was cute. She then insists that she’s not a stalker and unlike these other girls she’s not infatuated with him. Ok, so you interviewed him and then raced to an audition to get on a show in which you could live with him and attempt to make him love you. Would anyone like a side of denial with their cinnamon rolls? Cocktail explains that she likes him but it’s hard to see him kissing other girls. Tracey AKA Lil’ T asks Danger why she’s attracted to Ray J.

Wow, three fists in two days! Danger gets up and shows Grandma her cat. On her face. And Grandma says (drumroll please) “I don’t see the tiger.”

Ten imaginary bucks to anyone who knows what 90′s sitcom that came from. Lil’T asks the girls what they’d bring to the table. Unique explains that she was raised by her mom and Gramma and they taught her old school style. Missionary? Not impressive. Cocktail gets annoyed and says that Unique needs to stop acting old. But then Cocktail says that she’s a good, Catholic, old school girl. BJs in the locker room before confirmation class? Not impressive or advisable. Danger never answers. Lil’ T asks if she feels anyone jaw janked or jook jointed her but Gramma says that’s impossible. Gramma also refuses to say who she picks. Looks like she’s right; she wasn’t fooled by any of these chicks.

Ray then takes the girls to meet some of his friends. Danger is mingling before she gets a proper introduction. Thirsty broads are never good. The rest of the mingling goes something like this.

So the meet and greet basically ends with that admission from Danger. Danger’s all, ‘I don’t care what you think!Ray wasn’t even there!’ Huh? Anysense, the chola who got her burger eaten by Unique is flipping out over the whole thing but at least Danger was honest…and incredibly flippant (gotta love that). The group convenes and they all like Cocktail. But when Danger’s name comes up…

Lil’ B’s voice twin, I have no idea what her name is, steps up and says that Danger didn’t know all of these guys were connected so it’s not her fault. Ray tries to defend Danger.

And he unintentionally gives Tom Green the brilliant idea to build a chant around this phrase.

I know Ray must regret inviting fake friend Tom Green. Ray talks to Lil’B and she loves the look in Danger’s eyes when she talks about Ray. She believes that Danger is really there for him. And Danger will kill her if she doesn’t say this. Ray takes the girls home and announces that his parents are coming to visit.

They are having the weirdest dinner ever. Spaghetti, mashed potatoes, fried chicken, salad and cornbread. It’s like the United Nations of food.

And why are there so many salad dressings on the table? Ok, let me calm down. I’m starting to sound like Unique. Sonja “Smack-a-Ho” Norwood begins her line of questioning.

No Momma Norwood. No one’s as ‘special’ as you with your beady eyes and fivehead. Cocktail says that he’s great, really great and he has a great family. And she’s great for him. Unique says she’s old school (ok we get it, no head!) and Ray makes her laugh when they play hide-and-go get it. Then the creepfest begins. Daddy Do Right asks if the girls would leave their man if he was incapacitated. They say no but that’s not good enough for Momma Norwood. She wants Ray home with him or else he’ll be mistreated. With Ray’s penchant for homemade films, I guess there is a chance he’ll be tied to the bed and beaten a la James Caan. The girls all look more disinterested than usual once they realize Sonja is a beast and then she tells us that she’s the Queen of Snap Judgements.

Oh really?

That being said, Momma asks to have one on one time with the girls. I thought she only needed 30 seconds? Unique has her convo and tells Momma that she sings on the church choir. They must not get through any hymns with this chick choking all the time.

Unique tells Momma how crazy Danger is and Momma just laughs and laughs in that ‘special’ way until she starts to think that Unique is onto something. Cocktail basically says nothing because she’s so intimidated and tongue tied. Then she tells Momma how crazy Danger is. All of a sudden, bitch can talk! Danger comes in and explains that she’s emotional because her period is coming. That’s always a great intro! Danger also reveals that when she was a baby, a 12 year old came over and punched her in the face. I wonder if that 12 year old had a really strong temporary tiger tattoo on his knuckles. Danger concludes the talk with admitting that her mind plays tricks on her. Damn,damn, damn!! C’mon Danger, you never open with periods and you certainly don’t close with mental illness. Although this did seem to make Momma feel at home.

Ray talks to his parents. Daddy ‘Do Me’ picks Danger, Cocktail and Unique (in that order). Momma picksnone of them.None of them are good enough for her son!!! I think we found our Kathy Bates to Ray J’s James Caan. Momma hates Danger the most because Ray won’t be safe, Unique because she won’t be true and Cocktail because she had no other choice. Ray’s dad then makes the smartest decision a married man could ever make.

“Cuz I gotta go home with that crazy fool.”

Momma Norwood tells Ray that he’ll be in jail if he gets with crazy Danger and he’s just living in the moment. In Ray’s defense, most men want a woman like their mother. I guess the voice of reason isn’t the loudest in Momma Norwood’s head.

“More applesauce please!”

We’re off to elimintaions and Ray realizes that he has to make this decision on his own.

Mother Theresa, a pirate and a gold digger walk into a bar…

Ray keeps the girls on edge and tells them how crazy this all is. It’s so crazy that he can’t believe what he’s gonna say. He’s keeping all of them and going to meet their parents!! Cocktail and Unique are ecstatic and Danger is in the midst of a panic attack. She complains that she’s gagging. Don’t act like this is your first time at THAT dance. So the episode ends with her insisting on heading to the hospital. Next week, Ray will meet the families, narrow it down to two girls and then pick a winner. I can’t wait for the next episode. So who’s the final two, who’s gonna win and what the heck will I do when this show is over?!?!

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