Well ladies and gents, this is how it all ends. The cast of For the Love of Ray J, I’m gonna be presumptuous and say “season one”, has gathered to recap the season, update us on all their comings and goings and provide closure to those of us who have nothing better to do. A moment of silence for our social lives. And now, VH1 presents the reunion for which they’ve barely shown commercials!!
How many horses had to go bald for this reunion?
Our host for the reunion is LaLa Vasquez, my favorite housewife. She started off as a lowly MTV personality, then had a kid or two with fiance Carmelo Anthony. Now she resurfaces 2-3 times a year for a reunion. I love that she comes back even though she doesn’t need the money but why does that Ricky Rabbit guy always do the the Rock of Love reunions? It’s cool but it’s weird how VH1 clearly draws a color line with these shows. I would love to see Ricky do a Flavor/Ray J of Love reunion; LaLa would probably just walk off the stage of a Rock of Love reunion. Anyhost, all the girls are back and I only remember 70% of them.
LaLa wastes no time and brings Stiltz up to the stage. Stiltz was the married giraffe. They replay a clip of Stiltz basically getting angry with Ray because he let a little thing like her marriage get in the way of their relationship. That’s the problem with men; they are so narrow minded. Stiltz says that she went on the dating show because she’s young and she wanted to see if the grass was greener. We are off to a great start folks. You’re supposed to check out all the bushes and grass and trees before you get married. Not after all the paperwork is signed! Then she says it was an experiment.
I just wanted to see if a giraffe and human could mate!
Stiltz keeps trying to defend her decision because she just doesn’t think it’s a big deal. One of the 30 percenters, Hot Cocoa, says that Stiltz was wrong and the Stiltz says that Hot Cocoa shouldn’t talk because she had a boyfriend at the time. Hot Cocoa says she wasn’t married so she gets to sow her “royal oats.” Royal oats? That sounds like a British oatmeal. Better yet, it sounds like a line from a 1980s film staring Eddie Murphy, Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy. Five imaginary bucks to anyone who knows what it is. Ray brings up the marriage again and she says to Ray that we all know how he rolls and that shut his behind up for the most part. He did confirm that he doesn’t mess with married mammals.
Next up is Caviar. She infamously spent most of her time on the phone with her photographer/manager Chicago Larry. They show a clip of Ray giving her the name Caviar and she says “In Russia, you eat that on your richest days.” Yeah bitch, that’s kinda how caviar works in America too. Caviar defends her butchery of the English language by saying that she wasn’t trying to communicate with the girls and she preferred to use her body to get close to Ray. Then she gives us a demonstration.
Russia: 1 America: 0
Ray says that she only gave him one sexy dance right before the elimination and he wasn’t fooled by her act. Ray also says that Caviar called him too short, not the rapper but his height, but he saw her online with Bobby Valentino. I was thinking the same thing when I saw them together! In case you don’t know, Bobby is about 4’11 so this was kinda funny.
See what I mean?
Chicago Larry comes out and basically thanks Ray for the exposure. Ray pats himself on the back and blames Caviar for everything even though Chicago Larry encouraged her to go along with the whole shenanigan. I was a little disappointed; Chicage Larry didn’t even do the voice. I’m sticking with my original image of Chicago Larry; he was more fun.
Apparently Larry is dressed for a church fashion show
Next up is Chardonnay. We revisit clips of her making herself into a human banana split and doing tricks on the pole for Ray J. I’ve gotta give it to our little tranny; she looks pretty good tonight. Perhaps she would have fared better with her currnt hair instead of that wet -n- wavy mess she had on the show. LaLa asks if she regrets coming on too strong and Chardonnay says no because when you’re competing for a man you’ve gotta go hard or go home. So she competes for men on the regular? Ummm also, I think you mean go hard AND go home cuz that’s what you did. Ray gives a BS explanation for letting her go. He says that she simmered down and didn’t do anymore banana splits. The night she was eliminated she landed in a split after sliding down a stripper pole. Hello!!! No one called hi on this blatant BS but I will.
No one was happier than me to see her and the dirty red bra go home, but don’t make up excuses. Chardonnay starts crying because she really loves Ray and starts fanning her face as if that will magically dry her tears. And why did they spend 17 minutes talking to her. Come the hell on! Next up is Danger, thank God. Maybe she’ll inject some much needed crazy into this snoozefest. LaLa starts in on the Unique/Danger beef and Danger comes out swinging. Danger says that Unique was in “The Wiz.” I’m personally flattered because I’ve been calling Unique The Cowardly Lion for a while now. Unique says that Danger is a paid prostitute and somene yells out “At least she got paid!” Love it!! They must have gotten audience members from the set of The Richard Bey show. Then LaLa asks about the pregnancy rumors and Danger explains that one of her friends went to the press with the info. She is not pregnant and not ready to be a mom.
I got a shmashmortion.
Next up is Unique. I could never put my dislike for her into words. Besides her demeanor she has a jacked up mouth of some sort. It’s a little twisted up, like crack mouth. Plus she’s rocking back and forth a lot and licking her lips too. Weird. Then Cashmere, The Mute, comes onstage to confront Unique. She feels that they were best friends in the house but Unique was deceptive. Cashmere then calls out Unique for acting like a good girl but really being bisexual.
“When I said I wanted to eat beef curtains I literally meant curtains made of beef, not a woman.”
Unique offers up a lame denial and says she loves men. Did you guys see her one sister though? When they went to visit Unique’s family her sister was full-fledged butch. I didn’t comment on it because it had no relevance and maybe it still doesn’t but it bears acknowledging. Also, Unique told Danger when they were arguing that Danger was not her “type of chick.” I caught on to this a long time ago but again, it had no relevance unless she was gonna get it on with one of the girls in the house.
Cocktail comes out, kisses Ray and he explains that she’s beautiful inside. Alright, we get it. She has a great vagina blah, blah, blah. The two of them are going to give it a shot. Unique is fine with the ending. Cocktail loves him, Ray looks as uninterested as ever and I’m just waiting for the casting call. This reunion sucks. I’m not surprised that there were barely any commercials. Catch y recaps of The Cougar if you would like your brain rotted any further. Until next season…toodles!