For the Love of Ray J: It’s About Time!

Tough job but somebody’s gotta lick the TV screen.

“Your man…

.

..rented me these oversized shoes.”

And no bitch. You’re on For the Love of Ray J. Didn’t they teach you anything in citizenship class?

That must mean I’m on TV too. Thinking is hard.

Lil B tells the ladies that Ray’s going to have a hard choice to make and they all giggle scriptedly. Lil B tells the girls to go into the house and get comfortable because “it’s” about to go down. What is this “it” that’s going to go down? I’d be willing to bet that if you replaced the word “it’s” with “your head” it’d be more accurate. The girls descend upon the house like a herd of strippers at a Frederick’s of Hollywood sale.

The ladies begin claiming their beds and inevitably there is an issue. Pepe Le Pew claimed a bed but Sharmisa, in full hood rat mode, insists that she’s always on the bottom. Music to Ray J’s ears.

Hana, no surprise, is a self-described party girl and Rachel doesn’t bother to pick a room as she goes straight for the liquor. Connie enters the room as Brandy and Sharmisa bond over being 21 and therefore the youngest ones in the house. Connie, who looks to be Halle Berry’s taller and more makeup covered sister suddenly overheats and begins fanning excessively.

Either she can’t take the pressure or she’s menopausal.

Connie doesn’t tell the the girls how old she is; she will only acknowledge that she’s older. I’m thinking that the granny pearls and solid gold era jumpsuit is a dead giveaway.

So what if she used to bartend at Studio 54?

The girls pick Alison as their target because she dated Tyson. I’ve got to give Alison credit for honesty but didn’t she know this would make her a prime target for elimination. On the other hand, she probably admitted this during casting and they thought she’d be a good addition to create drama in the house. I’m betting that they’ll keep her around just to piss Sharmisa off-not that that would be difficult.

Ray J arrives, the girls ambush him and at three separate times he does this:

He’s excited

He’s really excited

Now I’m getting scared.

Ray J tells the women that he’s been down this road before and Cocktail, who won last season, is still his homegirl but she wasn’t the one for him. Ray J proceeds to nickname the girls.

Elle = Luscious

Franshelle = Jingle Bells (she didn’t look to happy about that and Ray thought she might sit on him so they changed it to Gifts)

Pepe Le Pew = Exotica

Some girl I never noticed before = Platinum

Loves the Chargers = Diego . P.S. She kinda looks like “One of the Worst The Price Is Right Players Ever” (youtube it)

Indiscriminate blond = Popper because she loves to pop & lock and breakdance. I so hope there’s a talent portion.

Not too big, not too small = Just right

Hair = Just Wrong

Heartbreaker = Cocktail Redux

Sharmisa, who is clearly going to be the “New York” of this season, announces that she’s been a cheerleader for 16 years. I don’t know about you but five years of high school was enough for me. The girls chime in and say that her name should be Extra.

Horseface-I mean Danielle, says that she can make anything look expensive so he names her Flossy.

One look at those chompers and I’m thinking about floss too.







Random Spanish chick who looks like Molly Shannon = Caliente

Another random blond who is literally humping the table as this snapshot is taken = Trouble.

Lava = because she’ll burn you.

Ray tried to name this Hawaiian ho Paradise but she insisted on being called Paradeez (as in pair of D sized boobs for those who don’t speak Honese).

Hana stands up and says she’s tipsy and thusly she’s…

Tipsy!

She’s so adorable I can’t make fun of her.

She’s from Jacksonville, no real thought put into this one.

Ray calls up old hot flash Halle and recognizes the resemblance immediately. She is…

Alison AKA Tyson’s ex-girlfriend and resident Italian is named Fettucini. Would he name a Chinese woman “Won Ton”? Just wondering.

Mouth in full sucking mode…for the noodles of course.

Finally the names are done and Ray announces that some of the girls have to leave tonight so they must have one on one time. Caliente gets her time and is one of the oldest girls in the house. I don’t even want to hear her age for fear that we are the same age. Ray can’t understand what the hell she’s talking about and he confuses her saying “body painting” for “border patrol”. I can only hope that there’s a white van waiting around the corner…But alls well that ends well. Ray and Caliente agree to teach each other their respective languages and ESL teachers across the country rejoice.

Extra does what I think is supposed to be a sexy dance but she desn’t appear to be into it.

“I could’ve had a V8.”

And then she does this.

Ray J = One Happy Man. However, Mz Berry and Just Right, two of the oldest women, are none too pleased that Extra has done something so immature. And bendy. Ray J finds out that they both have children but don’t want to admit their kid’s ages because Ray will then know how old Just Right and Mz Berry are. It turns out that their children are between 8 and 14 years old so they’re most likely taller than Ray. Incidentally, Mz Berry’s divorce was finalized the day before she came to the house. She says this in her interview, not to Ray, so I’m sure that there’s drama to come.

Exotica and Diego start fighting each other for Ray’s attention. Diego insists that she speak to Ray for just two minutes. I’m assuming that she is going to rat Fettuccini out but instead she asks who Ray’s top 5 R&B artists are. Whaa?? Ray picks Stevie Wonder, Luther Vandross, Whitney Houston etc…and she says Musiq Soulchild, India.Arie and Donnell Jones. She reveals that hers are more up to date and she is doing this in order to determine whether they have a connection or not. I can pretty much guarantee that they don’t.

Jaguar watches on as Exotica and Flossy fawn all over Ray. They tell Ray J that they will do ANYTHING for him. Jaguar interviews that she doesn’t like to fight for a man’s attention.

Nice knowing ya.

Luscious and Platinum take Ray to the side and Luscious reveals that she’s been celibate for 8 months because she wants a serious relatonship. Ray wants to know why this is the first thing she tells him. Ray says he doesn’t want to smash (have sexy time) on the first night.

“I gotta know you for at least 10 hours.”

The girls begin to confront Fettuccinni about her celebrity dating past and it sets off a storm of controversy. Adorable and Popper take advantage of the situation and pull Ray to the side to tell him.

Wow! She dated Tyson?

Ray doesn’t mind the “celebrity smashing” he just doesn’t want her to brag. Ray confronts Fettucinni and asks who she “says” she’s dated. She dpesn’t quite give him a straight answer.

“We all have a past. You have a past. I passed gas. It’s in the past. Fuggedaboutit.”

Fettucinni makes sure to redeem herself in the interview and explains that she doesn’t date celebrities exclusively. Au contraire, being rich doesn’t make a man a celebrity. Get it straight morons! She’s a gold digger not a celebrity smasher.

“I also pick up the leftover clippings from Kate Gosselin’s haircuts and weave them into my hair.”

Ray takes Tipsy outside for some one on one time and she’s pretty…drunk. She explains that she’s tipsy but not drunk and everyone else is tipsy and drunk.

Huh?

Tipsy explains that she loves to party and drink but she’s definitely there for Ray. All I can think about is:

Holly Montag + Kendra Wilkinson = Tipsy

It’s already time for eliminations! There are 19 girls and only 15 glasses. Caliente gets the first glass.

“I like a girl who can say yes in two different languages.”

Up next are Jaguar (wow), Mz Berry, Extra (oh boy), Paradeez, Adorable, Exotica, Platinum and Heartbreaker. It’s midway through and we need to check in ith the girls who haven’t been called yet. Luscious is thinking that she should have held off on the celibacy convo. Flossy, Popper, Just Right, Trouble, and Lava get the next few glasses. Ray calls Tipsy up and explains that she was too focused on drinking. She says that he got the wrong impression but in her exit interview she says that she had a good time and got some free alcohol. Ummm okay, next! Diego gets called up and Ray explains that he thought they were going to have a deep conversation. Since it wasn’t, she’s got to go. Ray announces that Luscious is celibate and all of the girls are shocked.

“She’s not a ho?! What’s she doing here?”

“What kind of self respecting woman doesn’t have sex with a man she barely knows on a television show even though the guy will dump her as soon as the next season is up for renewal?”

Luscious is really embarassed and says that her celibacy admission has brought her down to the final two. Luckily Ray is there to make her compromise her values and state that she’s not waiting for marriage and will have sex once she’s “feeling it”. If you’ve seen his sex tape, she’ll probably be feeling it from across the room. Fettucini says that she is there for Ray and everyone has a past. And the girl who gets to stay is…Luscious!

“Oh crap. I’m gonna have to f*&k him now.”

I’m a little annoyed that now Luscious feels the need to proclaim that she’s no angel and she is going to show her sexy side because Ray will appreciate it. Ray just said in his interview that he thinks celibacy is a good trait for a woman looking to settle down but how much you wanna bet Luscious will be getting the old muffin buttered by episode 5? Fettucini tosses her hair, walks off and cries without giving Ray J a hug or anything and I’m relieved that I don’t have to look at that face for an entire season.

So…what’d you think? Is Extra already annoying you? Will Caliente learn English? Can Mz Berry’s postman deliver her social security checks directly to the mansion? Will Ray J’s hot dad show up again?! I can’t wait to find out; see you next week!