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Looks like my karma for all of those hours of voluntarily tickling homeless men has finally paid off because Ray J is back! So I totally tried to audition for this season but chickened out the night of the event. All of the castings were held at clubs and I didn’t think my sweatpants and penny loafers would stand a chance against the foxy ladies of NYC. Those who can do; those who can’t have to suffer through looking at this all season.
Ray catches us up from last season and tells us that Cocktail was the best girl in the house last season but she wasn’t the girl for him. I believed this the first two times Flavor Flav did it and the first time New York did it but now I think these “stars” just keep coming back for the free booze, easy sex and $30,000 per episode. Anyone else with me? Let’s meet the girls. I’ll include pictures later once they’re all suitably degraded with trivial nicknames.
First up is Bethany. She thinks that Ray is “so cute” and is also wearing Seinfeld’s puffy shirt.
Sharmisa, the resident hoodrat, has perfected the art of the neck roll; she can roll and threaten at the same time. She says that she wants Ray J so bad that she can already taste his lips. Quick heads up: you’ve probably already tasted them through the VH1 three degrees of separation.
Franshelle…let’s just say that she’s a cheeseburger away from being eliminated. Alison doesn’t get starstruck because she dated Tyson Beckford. I’m thinking she’s Giuliana DePandi Rancic in a Big Momma suit. I, for one, am so glad she’s not a groupie anymore. Now she’s just an obnoxious name dropper. Alison says she attracts celebrities because of the way she carries herself and can’t help it. I suppose I could attract celebrities too if my thighs never met each other. Susanna is really excited to see Lil’B (Ray J’s godsister and groupie sorter outer) because she’s “so cute”. I must admit that I’ve missed Lil’B too. No one can start a sentence with “your man” the way Lil’B does.
Leila is this season’s “Caviar.” Another woman with a completely ridiculous accent that will probably require subtitles. I didn’t sign up for reading class VH1!!! Leila can’t believe the house and rhetorically asks if she’s on MTV Cribs. Please note that she is saying this in full Pepe LePew accent.
Hana says that everytime she sees Lil B, she’s on TV.
The ladies begin claiming their beds and inevitably there is an issue. Pepe Le Pew claimed a bed but Sharmisa, in full hood rat mode, insists that she’s always on the bottom. Music to Ray J’s ears.
Hana, no surprise, is a self-described party girl and Rachel doesn’t bother to pick a room as she goes straight for the liquor. Connie enters the room as Brandy and Sharmisa bond over being 21 and therefore the youngest ones in the house. Connie, who looks to be Halle Berry’s taller and more makeup covered sister suddenly overheats and begins fanning excessively.
Either she can’t take the pressure or she’s menopausal.
So what if she used to bartend at Studio 54?
Ray J arrives, the girls ambush him and at three separate times he does this:
He’s really excited
Now I’m getting scared.
Elle = Luscious
Franshelle = Jingle Bells (she didn’t look to happy about that and Ray thought she might sit on him so they changed it to Gifts)
Pepe Le Pew = Exotica
Some girl I never noticed before = Platinum
Loves the Chargers = Diego . P.S. She kinda looks like “One of the Worst The Price Is Right Players Ever” (youtube it)
Indiscriminate blond = Popper because she loves to pop & lock and breakdance. I so hope there’s a talent portion.
Not too big, not too small = Just right
Hair = Just Wrong
Heartbreaker = Cocktail Redux
One look at those chompers and I’m thinking about floss too.
Random Spanish chick who looks like Molly Shannon = Caliente
Another random blond who is literally humping the table as this snapshot is taken = Trouble.
Lava = because she’ll burn you.
Ray tried to name this Hawaiian ho Paradise but she insisted on being called Paradeez (as in pair of D sized boobs for those who don’t speak Honese).
Hana stands up and says she’s tipsy and thusly she’s…
She’s so adorable I can’t make fun of her.
She’s from Jacksonville, no real thought put into this one.
Ray calls up old hot flash Halle and recognizes the resemblance immediately. She is…
Mouth in full sucking mode…for the noodles of course.
Extra does what I think is supposed to be a sexy dance but she desn’t appear to be into it.
“I could’ve had a V8.”
Exotica and Diego start fighting each other for Ray’s attention. Diego insists that she speak to Ray for just two minutes. I’m assuming that she is going to rat Fettuccini out but instead she asks who Ray’s top 5 R&B artists are. Whaa?? Ray picks Stevie Wonder, Luther Vandross, Whitney Houston etc…and she says Musiq Soulchild, India.Arie and Donnell Jones. She reveals that hers are more up to date and she is doing this in order to determine whether they have a connection or not. I can pretty much guarantee that they don’t.
Jaguar watches on as Exotica and Flossy fawn all over Ray. They tell Ray J that they will do ANYTHING for him. Jaguar interviews that she doesn’t like to fight for a man’s attention.
Nice knowing ya.
Wow! She dated Tyson?
“We all have a past. You have a past. I passed gas. It’s in the past. Fuggedaboutit.”
“I also pick up the leftover clippings from Kate Gosselin’s haircuts and weave them into my hair.”
Holly Montag + Kendra Wilkinson = Tipsy
“I like a girl who can say yes in two different languages.”
“She’s not a ho?! What’s she doing here?”
“What kind of self respecting woman doesn’t have sex with a man she barely knows on a television show even though the guy will dump her as soon as the next season is up for renewal?”
“Oh crap. I’m gonna have to f*&k him now.”
So…what’d you think? Is Extra already annoying you? Will Caliente learn English? Can Mz Berry’s postman deliver her social security checks directly to the mansion? Will Ray J’s hot dad show up again?! I can’t wait to find out; see you next week!