In the first three minutes of this week’s show, Trouble is drinking before noon, Extra is on a manhunt trying to figure out who left cornflakes in the sink and then she reads the bible.
“I wonder how this book ends…”
Someone like Extra would start the episode off with religious hypocrisy. I’m not even going to address this ploy for screen time. Not unless it gets really good. And then I will. And so I am. The rest of the girls are annoyed that Extra is Bible Girl by day and Slut Whore by night. Gifts doesn’t understand how Extra can be reading the Bible but was just doing splits and showing off her pink & green underwear the night beore.
“Yeah I looked at her panties. Got a problem with that?”
Moving right along…Lil B has arrived and hits us with her trademark phrase in a record .03 seconds.
“Your man didn’t pay the cable bill.”
Finally Ray J comes up on the screen and announces that today’s challenge is to write a screenplay in which the girls will be his leading lady. Each girl will get a chance to act out a scene with Ray that reflects who they are. If i had to guess, I’d say:
Rudy Huxtable: The Rehab Years
I just might be right on one of these.
“Your man has one ounce of dignity left.”
Gifts is concerned about her performance because she’s only an exotic dancer and has never acted before but those concerns are unwarranted.
After all, you act like that shirt fits.
Exotica, America’s favorite illegal alien, doesn’t understand what they are supposed to do. She says that she doesn’t like to write or act and she is positively insulted when one of the girls asks if she is wife material.
“How eez it you spell I am zee money grabbing ho?”
Just as I predicted last week, Luscious has taken to becoming a slut in order to solidify her spot in the house. She is wearing a shirt that says “Ray’s Girl” and, in the words of Heart Breaker, “a piece of jean”. It’s so bad that even VH1 had to blur it out. Look at her!!
“I hope Ray puts his #%&* in my %$&8 and I’ll squirt %^#* all over his $%&$* and he %$^&T the alphabet on my $#&.”
Based on Lava’s outfit of a bloodied tank top and short shorts, I’m guessing she’ll be doing Chris Brown and Rihanna circa February 2009.
“S.O.S. please someone help me!”
Too soon? Anysmack, Lil B stops the hos before their brains overheat from all of this thinking and announces that they will watch each other’s scenes. Just Right goes first and she and Ray J are Bonnie and Clyde. Ray J says that he wants to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and make love. Yes Ray J; that’s the best place for two criminals to hide. Just Right says that there are too many cameras around and she doesn’t want another sex tape scandal.
“Even I can’t believe I just said that.”
Ray J’s is shocked initially but then laughs the comment off and says that he had fun with her. Hell even I smiled a little during their scene so she’s okay with me. Until she says this.
“I think I did goo-wood.”
What is with these accents this season? How do you make ‘good’ a three syllable word? Then Lil B gets in on the illiteracy wagon and announces that the next scene is Mrs. Jagwire. First of all, Mrs. means a woman is married and that’s not a good thing to be on a dating show. Secondly, Jag-wire is a made up word. What Lil B meant to say was Jaguar. As my annoyance intensifies on Jaguars behalf, she has the nerve to go into Ray J’s room and tell him that he’ll be playing himself. A mulit-billionaire.
Jaguar has written a hip hopera in which she breaks into Ray J’s house, they sing to each other, get sexified and when she leaves, he realizes that she’s stolen his wallet. I hate to admit it, but it was actually pretty good. Next up is Trouble and she feels that she should have taken more time with her script. I’d have to agree since there wasn’t one! It was just blank page after blank page. She basically laid Ray J on the bed, sat on him and then ate a strawberry.
The chance she has of making it to the next episode.
Up next is Gifts and I’m all set to make a cheeseburger joke but she does it for me. If nothing else, she’s efficient. Her script literally starts with her inviting Ray J out for dinner and then going up to his hotel room to raid his minibar.
“Damn! Did you eat today?”
Considering that this is a script that supposed to be a reflection of who you really are, I give her an A+. Seriously, who writes a script that includes two references to food within the first nine seconds. And if you saw the sex tape sweetie, you’d know he’s not working with a mini bar. Gifts proceeds to blindfold Ray and do what she does best.
Pops the elastic on her pants. At least I think that’s what happened.
Ray tries to act all serious and says that it wasn’t creative and she made him a one night stand. Up next is Platinum. Ray’s character was in a coma and Platinum showed that she’d stay by him no matter what. Yawn. I’m wondering how many more of these I can sit through and apparently the editors felt the same way because we start to speed right through these trainwrecks. Mz Berry was a real estate broker, Flossy was a pageant queen, Heartbreaker and Caliente took off their clothes and some girl rode a wooden horselike contraption. Lava did her horror scene and Ray J appreciated that he was able to shoot the bad guys and be the hero. Paradeez does an action scene that we never see but Ray is nervous because she says her father owns hundreds of guns and shot off one of his friend’s fingers blah blah blah…Big whoop. Who hasn’t dismembered and friend or sibling before?
Up next is Luscious. Ray is really turned on by her outfit but then he remembers that she is celibate. Ray has to play her coach and she is his player that has a secret crush on him. He really enjoys the scene and her butt cleavage. Extra recites a poem about rubbing her body and jumping into bed and then she writes in a section about prayer and bible study. Ray J doesn’t react too well to this because he is confused. Are they having sex or studying the second chapter of Romans?
Any girl who wears duck slippers and lingerie is confused in more ways than one.
Ray J announces the three winners: Luscious, Lava and Jaguar. Extra feels like a loser. She is. Gifts feels like a slut. She is. And I feel like seeing Ray with his shirt off.
Paradeez and Extra get into an argument because Extra claims she doesn’t drink but she is sipping a glass of wine. Paradeez tells her to go read the Bible and Extra doesn’t like this.
Instead she poops in the pool.
Ray starts having doubts about Extra because she causes too many problems in the house. Meanwhile, Paradeez and Trouble go into the house and start drinking. Lava is annoyed that Trouble has invaded her bathroom while drunk.
“I’m only doing a number two.”
Trouble and Lava go at it for another couple of minutes and Trouble makes the classic reality show mistake. She gets on the phone and tells a friend that she “is done.” I guess she didn’t finish Reality Show College which incidentally doubles as a free clinic. The next morning, Lil B calls all of the women down for a message from Ray J. Two girls are leaving tonight but Jag-wire, Lava and Luscious will have their date first. I’m just going to accept the fact that some idiots pronounce Jaguar as Jag-wire. No judgment here. I have no right to queston Lil B’s G.E.D…none at all.
Ray J takes the girls to the Roosevelt and they lounge by the pool. I’m pretty sure that this was the site of a date with Unique and Feisty last year and I’m also pretty sure that going green does not apply to recycling date locations. Lava tells Ray J about Trouble’s phone conversation. Ray J already suspected this and will start paying attention. More importantly, we learn that Jaguar’s dad has a “high position” in a “place of worship”. She’s being really vague and I can only assume that this means she will be beheaded upon returning home for appearing on this show. Oh and the celibate one is soooo getting beheaded too.
When they get back to the house, Extra pulls Ray aside to read a poem about what their life would be like together. He appreciates it but he can’t figure out what kind of person she is. Next, Gifts pulls him aside and tells him that her one night stand skit was about how she’d treat him in a relationship.
“We could go out for cheeseburgers and pie and then come home for chips and cake. Then we could head to Denny’s for a Grand Slam. They give you free ice cream if you say it’s your birthday!”
She reveals that she wants to get to know him “hands on” and says that you can only learn so much about a person “mentally”. In other words, she wants to have sex and then literally eat him afterwards. Next up on the apology train is Trouble. She says that she didn’t mean what she said about being done; she was just drunk. Ye olde drunken blonde excuse only works on Rock of Love.
Let’s see if all of that begging paid off. Champagne glasses are getting passed out left and right at eliminations and Exotica is the first one called up who gets the scary music.
“You haz to keep me! I attached my earrings to my nipplez for you.”
Ray J lets Exotica stay because he has bigger whales, namely Gifts, to fry. Ray feels that she treated him like a one night stand and their story didn’t have a happy ending so she’s got to go.
“I didn’t even show you my blowhole yet.”
It’s down to Extra and Trouble. Ray J says that Trouble might not be here for him and will quit the show and obnoxious Extra is given a second chance. One more week of a wannabe Tiffany “New York” Pollard never hurt anyone, right? Well, that’s all I wrote. Forgive the lateness but VH1 didn’t post the episode until Friday. So what did you think? Is Extra annoying you too? Is anyone interesting enough to win? Will my cable ever get turned back on? Leave comments and send money.