Chardonnay (Outfit is a Charda-no-no)
Unique (The Cowardly Lion)
Caviar (Black Russian)
Feisty (Too boring for a nickname)
Cocktail (MTB4 Aundrea)
Cashmere (The Mute)
Danger (Dirty Girl)
Stacks (Pageant Girl)
This episode picks up where the last one ended. The girls are discussing the dramatic elimination in which Stilts was sent home for being married.
In Stilts defense, she didn’t want to get divorced until she found another man which is perfectly rational if you ask me. You wouldn’t quit your job if you didn’t have another one lined up would you? You wouldn’t throw away your glasses until you got a new pair, right?And if you were a porn star posing as a model on a VH1 reality show and your husband directed your films, you wouldn’t divorce him, right? it’s true, google it. Anyskank, Ray J heads to the jacuzzi that night to relax and he needs a woman who can help him calm down.
“I’m too stressed out to take off my baby tee baby girl.”
Caviar decides that she doesn’t need to get in to impress this guy. Apparently Caviar has never seen a VH1 dating show. If you don’t plan on chasing him then you might as well go home. Foreshadow anyone?
“My call sheet didn’t include group bathing.”
Cocktail offered Ray J her stress balls so he could relax….
…and Ray J took her up on the offer…
…and Ray J got his strength back.
The next morning the girls are gathered by Ray J’s adviser and Godsister, Lil’ B, who keeps referring to Ray J as “Your Man.” I wonder how it feels to pimp your Godbrother and advisee.
“Your man is at the clinic this morning.”
The task today is to perform a Motown-inspired track in groups of three for Ray J and his father. As a pop quiz she asks them to cover any part of their body Ray J has already violated.
Unique, who sang a song for Ray J earlier this season and completely forgot the words, says that this singing challenge is right up her alley.
“My alleys include reading, jogging and choking onstage.”
Group 1 is Chardonnay, Feisty and Unique. Group 2 is Caviar, Danger and Stacks. Group 3 is Lil’ Hood, Cocktail and Cashmere. Cocktail is a little annoyed that she is on a team with a wannabe rapper and a mute. I must commend this observation and apologize for the stress ball comment. We all know about Lil’ Hood’s rapping ambitions but Cashmere does seem like she was brought here against her will. My suspicions grow when she-STARES RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA!
“Papa can you see me? Papa can you find me in the night”
In Group 2, Danger is writing the song, Stacks is choreographing the dance and Caviar is…
…busy channeling Oprah circa 1995.
Feisty feels that Group 3 consists of Chardonnay’s great writing skills and Unique’s killer voice. I’d refer to it as a killing voice. As in it sounds like someone is killing a baby chipmunk, underwater, on a vibrating bed. Feisty can not sing so she’s just going to stick with the background oohs. We return to Group 1 where Caviar is learning to dance.
“My boyfriend, I mean manager, I mean photographer told me I can just stand like this the whole time.”
The girls arrive at the club they’re going to be performing in and are greeted by Lil’B.
“Your man’s self respect is this small.”
As the girls get ready Ray J welcomes the crowd to the show.
“It’s like Pee Wee and Steve Harvey made this suit just for me.”
You know I’m right.
We get to meet Ray J’s dad, Willie Norwood Sr. and I am totally wishing I was 30 years older and in CA that night. But then I remember that Sonja Norwood, Ray J’s mom, don’t play that!
“I got Indian in my family. I’m from the Smack-a-ho Tribe!”
Before the show begins, Ray J says (and I quote)
“…and not only are we judging it, we being real critical.”
That’s like saying
“…and not only are we watching it, we gonna see what they doing.”
“…and not only are we listening to it, we gonna hear it.”
Group 1 takes the stage and are generally unimpressive. Danger sounds like Cyndi Lauper but worse and Caviar’s accent is just ruining my life at this point. It’s destroying what could have been a hellish performance. She has now taken it to a super-hellish proportion the likes of which have not been seen since
Group 2, Norwood’s Finest does better. They look pretty good and there are no annoying accents to speak of-not including Lil’ Hood’s hip hop-esque variances.
“I wanna give it to you…”
“I’ll bust a cap in yo ass…”
“Papa, can you see me yet?!”
They were pretty good until they broke it down hooker style! Personally, that’s what got MY vote but Papa Norwood wasn’t crazy about it.
“Shake whatcha momma gave ya!”
Group 3, the LaBelles, go onstage and Unique doesn’t get through the second line before she chokes. She reminds me of this kid from high school who had a pretty good voice but everytime we had a show, he’d suddenly lose his voice. He did it because he was a drama queen. I think in Unique’s case she knows she sounds like a chipmunk sitting on a vibrator underwater but since no one will tell her, she keeps acting like she’s confident when she is not.
“You’ve made me proud.”
Ray J let’s his dad choose the winner and he picks Norwood’s Finest although they got all freaky onstage. Cocktail wins the solo date since she was the only one who didn’t threaten him or try to get loose. Ray J’s date for Cocktail consists of him singing to her about her blue dress and big hair. The song is so “good” that Cocktail begins to cry.
“Oooh la la, you can stop covering the parts of your body that I’ve violated while I sing this song ooh ooh ooh.”
Back at the hen/whore house, Caviar calls her “photographer” Larry and tells him how much this experience sucks. Her accent is STILL killing me. It’s like a combination of Kermit the Frog and Drago.
“It’s not easy being green and Russian.”
The next morning we catch a glimpse of our sleeping beauties, who all sleep with full makeup on, and stumble upon a convo between Danger and Lil’Hood. Danger convinces Lil’Hood to manipulate Ray’s time while on the group date. I can’t watch this scene without wanting Danger to pour the water in her bottle all over her fleabag body.
“I’m required to wear this bandana by the CDC.”
Pictures of her have surfaced all of the ‘net and I can’t help but feel really dirty watching her.
Cashmere and Lil’Hood find out what their date is.
“Your man bought me a remote control hair braider. Oh yeah, and you get a helicopter ride.”
P.S.A.: Don’t make fun of mutes
The girls get on the helicopter and the mute is very frightened. I think that two blinks means she wants off that thing.
“Papa can you HEAR ME?!?!”
“This is it. This is how I’m going to die.”
“Maybe I can jump while no one is looking.”
“Maybe I can fake a heart attack.”
Ray ignores all of Cashmere’s cries for help and continues with the wine tasting portion of the date…but not before Lil’ Hood drops this gem.
WTF? What does that even mean? How do you pop ghetto out of your body? Is it like popping your coochie? Ghetto people don’t even say “ghetto” anymore. At least not the cool ones. We say “hood” ya’ dumb ghetto whore! Anyhoo, the two girls have lunch with Ray J and Lil’Hood gives him a CD that she made. Reality dating show rule #2, don’t give a singer your CD because it looks like you’re there for exposure. Also, don’t do this.
“Are my teef bigger than my ghetto glasses?”
Ray J is questioning Lil’Hood’s sincerity and Cashmere has literally said nothing until Ray announces that he is going to spend solo time with each girl. When asked which girl He replies “I don’t care.” Not a good sign, ladies. He picks Cashmere by default and they share a passionate kiss.
“Never mind, Papa.”
On Ray J and Lil’ Hood’s solo date, they share…this.
“I wasn’t kidding about that cap in yo’ ass.”
“Isn’t this how you people do it in the ghetto?”
On the way back to the house, I’m almost positive Lil’ Hood asked Ray J if they could F%*k after the elimination. Ray J lets her know that she doesn’t know what’s going to happen at elimination and Lil’Hood is reduced to tears.
“That’s just the ghetto popping back into you.”
Ray J sits in the corner of the vehicle and ignores the train wreck that is Lil’Hood. She does proceed to tell all of the other girls that she and Ray J cried together on the ride back.
“Sure Lil’ Hood. Ray cried with you and I sang the whole first verse of Happy Birthday. Get real ho!”
Everyone’s gearing up for elimination and Caviar decides to pay Ray J a visit.
And then she does this
I’m a girl who doesn’t like girls and even I’m turned on-until she speaks again and her accent assaults each and every one of my senses. Ray gladly takes his lap dance but then asks caviar if she has a boyfriend. Caviar says no and she is not here for exposure. Ray decides to check the phone records. They’ve been there for three days, there are no phone records! Long stupid story short, Ray J calls Caviar’s mystery man, Larry. It turns out that Ray knows Chicago Larry and he casts video girls. Larry has also worked with Ray J. Larry talks like a pimp. Larry looks like this.
“Steve Harvey made this suit just for me.”
Everyone gathers for elimination and Ray J announces that everyone is safe-except one.
“So you mean we not gettin’ champagne tonight?”
Ray J reveals that he knows Larry and Larry said that he manages 395 girls. Now hold up, how in the world can one pimp handle 395 girls? That’s 197.5 girls per pimp hand! Anyhoo, Ray J tells Caviar that she’s beautiful but her motives (and accent) are ugly. Caviar gets the boot, the heifers get champagne and I go to sleep knowing that America thwarted the evil plot of the USSR to steal all of our eligible midget R&B singers who make sex tapes, have a famous older sister, a hot dad, a ho-smacking mom and go on dating shows to fill the void of losing their girlfriend to a richer, taller football player.
See ya next week?