Sunday, March 8, 2009
This week’s episode opens with Ray J, The Cowardly Lion and the Mute waking up on the floor together. I guess this show’s budget was eaten up by Tool Academy. Even that cast gets to share an actual bed with their girlfriend once in a while. Oh well, any episode that opens like this has to be good.
“Remember last night when you poked me like this?”
Danger gets up early to start her disinfection routine and is astonished to find Unique on the floor with Ray J because Unique always claims that she is such a f*&%#n lady. Lil’ Hood wakes up a few of the other girls to tell them about the sleepover and it goes a lil’ something like this.
And Feisty says
“Yo, where I’m from it’s not dope to sleep with two girls, straight up. We do drink hard lemonade at 9 AM and wear shades in the house though. Homie.”
Lil’ Hood doesn’t understand this because she and Ray J have had good chemistry. She takes a smoke break to figure things out.
“I feel like Tupac straight up. It’s just me against the world, na mean?”
Meanwhile, Stacks calls her father who has cancer and is going through chemo. He asks her when she’s coming home and we don’t get to hear her answer but I think we all know what’s coming. I feel so badly for her and I’ve been there myself but I’m also hoping that this isn’t a very special episode, a la Diff’rent Strokes, for the sake of this recap.
“Tonight, on a very special Diff’rent Strokes, Mr. Horton becomes a man.”
My dreams come true when Lil’B steps back on the scene.
“You’re man is this short….”
“…so I put the condoms on the mantle where he can’t reach them.”
“Our baby’s hair is gonna be this big.”
So we get another message from Ray J and he appears to be laying on a bed and is holding the camera himself and it just hit me that I am an idiot. He always tapes these messages himself doesn’t he? It’s like an homage to his sex tape and how it was filmed. Wow, Ray J’s deep.
“You’re man IS deep and he likes to be tickled with this finger.”
The girls are so incredibly UN-enthusiastic that I’m beginning to wonder if I’m really watching a VH1 dating show. My hopes for a great episode are dwindling until they pull up at the Glendale Fighting Club.
“Your man just got his balls tickled.”
Ray promptly breaks them up into their respective cliques. Unique, Cashmere, Feisty and Stacks are on the Blue Team. Cocktail, Danger, Chardonnay and Lil’ Hood are on the Pink Team. Unique is scared of Danger and I sense that we will bear witness to yet another CHOKE! But after seeing the way Danger is looking at her, I’m not so sure I blame Unique.
“What kind of idiot gets a tatoo on their hat?”
After Ray J announces the team he drops a bit of Southern folklore on the audience:
“You could hear a rat piss on cotton.”
I love how I don’t have to make up any of his quotes. He also said this:
“If the shoe don’t fit, it ain’t your shoe.”
“Fish don’t fry in the kitchen, beans don’t burn on the grill.”
“You still hiding stuff from me on the mantle?!”
The girls go through training which is mostly uneventful except we get find out that Feisty does not know her left from her right.
Don’t worry about Feisty though. I’m sure Danger has the answer tattooed on her face somewhere. In the first round, Lil’ Hood knocks Feisty down but Feisty gets back up and jabs Lil’ Hood. Ray J declares Feisty the winner, even though she got knocked down. I think Ray just didn’t want to be alone with Lil’ Hood on another date.
Before the second round, Unique speads her chokiness through the whole team and tries to get all of them to choke too. I think we need a little help from the crowd.
CHOKE! CHOKE! CHOKE!
Thanks tlicious420. Unique admits in the confessional/interview that’s she’s scared of Danger but tells Ray J she won’t fight because she’s a lady. Unique easily talks Stacks into quitting and understandably so because of Stacks’ family situation. But what’s the Mute’s problem? Seriously. I really suspect that there’s a slight impairment there. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. So the Blue Team throws in the towel and Feisty is mad!
Don’t worry, it’ll get used later tonight.
Feisty: “Maybe I can smack them with this hand and tie them up with the other.”
Unique: “It’s ladylike to drink after you choke.”
Cashmere: “Two winks means I’m thirsty bitch.”
Then Unique tells us what we all know.
Yes Unique, we know that there’s nothing you could, would, might, try, can or will do for the love of Ray J. You want to state more really obvious things? Let me guess, you’re not a natural blonde? I actually feel bad for Feisty because she’s never gotten a date and she won her round. They’re also playing really sad music. Feisty is really sad too.
“But I want Ray J to make my eyes roll to the back of my head. I’m tired of doing it myself.”
Ray J has a heart to heart with Feisty in her bedroom and I am floored at how crappy the room is.
Feisty: “I’m scared to put my feet on the floor.”
On Flavor of Love the rooms were all brightly colored and fancy. Even the previous seasons of Rock of Love and Charm School had nice bedrooms. I think they are using this as the outside shot…
But they’re really filming here
Anyhousing, Ray J does the right thing and invites Feisty to go out with the Pink Team that night.
“Now I can try those crabs everyone’s been talking about!”
Stacks takes Ray J aside to let him know that she is leaving to be with her father. The girls all give her hugs and wish her well and her exit is kind of uneventful. What is missing on this show? There used to be tears and spitting during these moments. I can’t take anymore of this human behavior.
Aaaaah, the glory days of dating shows.
Lil’ Hood is really upset that Feisty is going on the date and says that only the winners should be going. If I’m not mistaken the only REAL winner is Feisty because she beat Lil’ Hood’s ass into last decade’s Cross Colours outfit.
Don’t act like you never wore it.
Ray J and the crew go to Les Deux and he gives the winners 14K gold boxing gloves on a chain. Feisty didn’t get one because Ray didn’t know she was coming. On any other show, they would’ve whipped one up and had it ready for the dinner. I hate recession dating.
Lil’ Hood is still complaining about Feisty’s inclusion in the date and says the following, verbatim “…the squeaky wheel gets the oil. Well Feisty’s been the squeaky wheel because she hasn’t gotten a date with him. So he’s gotta give her her oil.”
Lil’ Hood could learn a lot from Ray J. He just drops these clever sayings whereas Lil’ Hood explains them until it takes away the whole point of shortening a valuable piece of knowledge into a precise but remarkable lesson. I guess the same could be said for the preceding sentence. So, the party continues and Ray J gets to know Feisty better.
“You’re no Kim, but it’ll do for tonight.”
Lil’ Hood isn’t one to be upstaged so she goes in for the kill. The buzzkill.
And in case you can’t read his lips,Ray J’s reply is…
This is insane. No man ever says ‘no’ on one of these shows. At this point, I might say yes to Lil’ Hood. I mean it’s just too easy.
On the ride back to the house, Lil’ Hood is STILL talking about Feisty being included on the date. The date is over. Why is she still talking about this? Danger and Cocktail, catch on to Lil’Hood’s Stupidity Simplex flare up, decide to take full advantage of it and tell Lil’Hood that Ray J doesn’t want her. Lil’ Hood says that she’s about to be out yo!
“But first can somebody hit me on the back? I get stuck like this sometimes.”
Dating Show Rule #3, when someone voluntarily leaves the show, Stacks, there usually isn’t an elimination unless the dater really wants to get rid of someone. So the fact that elimination is still taking place is in line with my theory that no one is really into this show. I, the loser viewer, am all about it but even Ray J seems half-hearted in his attempt to find love. He even walks through the house the next morning shouting for someone to make breakfast. Then he walks out onto the balcony…
…eating a BANANA!
These girls didn’t even pretend to be interested and make him breakfast.
But it wasn’t too early for Remy and cranberry.
Breakfast of Champions
Lil’ Hood then gives us another ghetto soliloquy and tells Ray how she feels. Really feels. I did not make these up, really.
“You know I’m feelin’ you.”
“I’m really really feelin’ you.”
“And it’s just sometimes I feel like it scares me a little.”
“When i feel my heart feel like that it scares me cuz it’s real.”
You think she’s feeling him? I guess the flare up is still in effect. Anyway, Ray J confronts Unique about her choking and let’s her know that he can’t be with a girl with such a strong gag reflex.
“I can do better, let me show you!”
“Oh wait, I can’t. My nipples are hard and that’s not ladylike.”
Unique states that she only does what she wants to do and she wants a man who will ride or die for her. Ray J exclaims that he made a bed with her. How else can he show he cares?! I. Can’t. Take. This. Why doesn’t anyone on this show care about anything?!
Cocktail, who looks more Mexican with every layer of foundation she peels off, tells Lil’ Hood to tell Ray how she really FEELS before word gets back to him that she wanted to leave. Something tells me she’ll have no trouble expressing her ‘feel’ings.
Cocktail approaches Lil’ Hood in the shower all of 20 minutes later and convinces Lil’ Hood that Ray J knows she wants to leave. Lil’ Hood grabs Ray J and tells him that she wants to confront all of the girls with him present. Lil’ Hood outs herself instead and wants to know who told Ray that she said she wanted to go home the other night.
“Straight up now tell me; is it gonna be me and Ray forever?”
“Can you catch Stupidity Simplex?”
“One blink means this ho is crazy!”
“Can someone PLEASE hit me on the back?! Y’all know I get stuck like this.”
Then Lil’ Hood changes the whole story and says that she brought Ray J in the room to explain that she did say that. So now Ray is confused.
“I thought this was the Moesha audition.”
Lil’ Hood is losing it.
“Crack is Wack!”
And all the girls have a good laugh at Lil’ Hood’s expense.
Well played Cocktail.
Then Ray J just gets fed up and confused by all of the stories and L’i Hood gets loud with him….
“Who you talkin’ to? You can stress your opinion…”
Maybe he means express your opinion…but I’m not choosy. I love when a man comes from behind a pillow and throws some bass in his voice to tell off a crackhead.
“Show me the receipts!”
If you don’t get that, you don’t get me. Ray then reflects on some of Lil’ Hood’s wilder moments and realizes that she really might have a problem.
“Kick in the door, wavin’ the four-four.”
“Oh snap! It’s time to get Buckwild!”
I Wanna Be Black-ulosis affects 2 in every 3 reality show contestants.
Lil’ Hood is in the middle of her farewell and Cocktail is helping her pack. Cocktail drags Lil’ Hood’s bags out without so much as an “Uh-huh” to respond to Hood’s ramblings.
Ray goes outside to talk to Lil’ Hood and she strings together some more cliches. “Whatever, whatever” and “it is what it is.” Lil’ Hood is angry that the other girls have been exposing themselves to get Ray’s attention. Quick flashback:
When keeping it real goes wrong.
Lil’ Hood’s amnesia wears off and she acknowledges that she got a little freaky ith Ray but that’s because she had no choice. Ray J says that he’s not here for her and she’s not keeping it real. Lil’ Hood goes in on Ray J for the last time and tells him that he’s spoiled and if he lost everything today he wouldn’t know what to do. Lil’ Hood is a rapper and that’s the best insult she could come up with – he’s spoiled. She sucks. Ray J gives her the Def Comedy Jam benediction.
“Good Night and God Bless.”
But Lil’ Hood can’t resist and tells Ray to go back inside with his pierogies or triglycerides or something like that. Apparently it means ‘slut’ in Hood-nese. Lil’Hood says goodbye and we’re reminded that her real name is Chelsey. Wow-Chelsey! Her parents must be so proud. And by proud I mean they are being relocated by the Embarassing Child Protection Program.
“Get on line behind Becky “Buckwild’s” mom.”
Ray goes back in the house and tell sthe girls that Lil’ Hood eliminated herself.
“We not gettin’ champagne again?”
“I’m gettin’ tired of this sh#%!”
He tells them that Lil’ Hood left when things got shaky and that’s not the kind of woman he needs. Then he lets them have champagne and all is right with the world of reality dating shows.
“All of the tests came back negative. Come get your champagne.”
It looks like we have to wait until March 16th to find out if Cocktail goes home for being on another reality show. Apparently she was on Bad Girls Club season 1. Until then, whatever whatever. It is what it is.