Cinderella isn’t just a Disney Princess anymore. Just ask the talented kids of Virginia Commonwealth University. For those unfamiliar with sports, “Cinderella” refers to a team considered a heavy underdog that goes on to overachieve, winning against bigger and better opponents (think Jordan of Big Brother 10). The David vs. Goliath phenomenon, if you will. There’s nothing more exciting than watching the grossly privileged, spoiled with winning big shots (Duke, the Dallas Cowboys, the Miami Heat AssHat Trifecta, etc.) get humiliated for all the world to see by a group of ragamuffins that shouldn’t even be able to tie their own shoes. Pay no attention to the fact that I’m a Yankees fan—they don’t apply!
At this point, the Red Storm have become the Cinderella’s of high school football in Texas. Our radio announcer/narrator opens the show commenting on the repercussions of the Red Storm’s big win last week against the current state champs. Combined with the upset win over the Evil Empire in Blue last fall, the Red Storm might actually be a legit team. Everyone’s talking about a playoff run and a state-wide ranking. You can just sense the chest thumping going on down in the ghetto. Yet, for all the talk, Coach Father Figure isn’t impressed because he’s not letting the win or subsequent talk intoxicate him like everyone else. His Coaching staff is marveling over the newspaper write-ups and the praise they’re getting on the radio like they’re at an asian massage parlor getting a happy ending. Meanwhile, Coach Father Figure is trying to keep everyone focused on the task at hand. Normally, I’d start singing the party pooper song here, but there’s a tension about Coach Father Figure that makes me nervous.
Add the dollar bills and a stripper pole, and they might as well be at the Landing Strip.
The players, however, have no qualms about celebrating their victory—in the form of school sanctioned pimping, er… assigning the players with rally girls. Over at the Evil Empire, the rally girls serve one purpose—pampering their designated football player with baked goods, completing their homework assignments, and performing sexual favors. You see, in TX, football players are gods and the rally girls are their concubine/slaves, and now that the Red Storm have conquered Mt. Olympus, it’s their turn to take advantage of the perks.
Career Goals: Future Pro Athlete Baby Mama and Amateur Golddigger
A slutty looking redhead pulls Blind Side Lite’s jersey from the oversized tumbler. I’d nickname her Belle Watling, but that particular redheaded slut had a heart. This girl just looks like a bitch (as we’ll soon see), so let’s call her Vagina George. Blind Side Lite plays the part of loyal boyfriend and tells her that he doesn’t need a rally girl, which begs the question—Why put your jersey in the lottery to begin with? He gives his jersey to QB Princess instead.
What do you mean you won’t have sex with me? But I’m already taking Yaz. Can’t you tell by my creamy blemish-free skin?
Meanwhile, T&T Girl’s friends push her to go up and get a jersey. Hayseed Hottie gets a little boner, clearly hoping she pulls his keys out of the fish bowl. In an interesting twist of fate, she gets to be Tinker’s rally girl, and he goes all Luke Perry in 8 Seconds in the middle of the lunchroom. At 600lbs, that’s probably how long he can last before getting winded.
Because smoking = bad seed
Outside of school, a random frizzy-haired girl sits atop a picnic table smoking a cigarette and drinking Diet Coke. Wow, what a rebel! Tami-Joe Clark approaches and we finally meet the notorious Epic, aka Chica Precious! Tami does her best Michelle Pfeiffer impression, saying there’s no smoking on school grounds. They banter back and forth trying to establish dominance over each other. Finally, Tami-Joe Clark tries to lay the smack down, demanding she put the cigarette out, eat before class, and attend her scheduled guidance appointments. Chica Precious gets up and defiantly walks away towards the parking lot. HAHAHAHA! I guess Chica Precious is home schooled on the mean streets of Dillon. Good luck saving this girl, Tami-Joe Clark!
Back in his office, Coach Father Figure calls Blind Side LIte in and lays out a dozen letters of interest he’s received from such football powerhouses as Georgia, Texas, Alabama, USC, etc. Blind Side LIte is stunned to find out that he’s suddenly the Justin Beiber of football recruits. You can see the thought process cross his face—juvenile delinquent to high school athlete to college star to NFL 1st round draft pick to overpaid professional athlete. He doesn’t finish the probable career trajectory – disappointing NFL rookie to bench warmer to angry, bitter former pro athlete with no marketable skills who slinks off into oblivion and ultimately ends up back in the ghetto. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. At the moment, Blind Side Lite is happy, and Coach Father Figure is proud of him. He tells Blind Side Lite to take the letters home.
I love that Coach Father Figure has a picture of his Great-Gramma on his desk!
Out on the football field, we get a montage of the team practicing drills, and slowly practice devolves into anxious speculation over whether or not the Red Storm will be ranked. Coach Father Figure comes out and loses his patience with all the distractions. While he’s corralling the team back to practice, Small Town Loser power trips on Sunshine 2.0, as if he’s supposed to know how things go. This is probably his first practice after scoring the game winning TD. Cut the kid some slack. Coach steps in, telling Small Town Loser to back the fuck off, and then he turns to Sunshine 2.0 and warns him to never take his football helmet off on his field again.
I think Sunshine 2.0 likes his men to take charge.
Later on (or the next day… why is it so difficult to figure out a timeline on this show, based on the layout of scenes?), several Lions are checking their lockers, and the rally girl fairies have visited. Hayseed Hottie got cookies, Tinker got Rice Krispie Treats, and Sunshine 2.0 strikes gold with PORN!
Oh wow! My rally girl gave me this collection of straight porn, guys! Let’s go check these out in the locker room. And if we end up having a circle jerk, I guess that’s cool.
I’d be willing to bet that he planted the porn in his locker to divert attention to his homosexuality. Don’t argue with my logic! But poor Blind Side Lite. He got nothing, and he feels left out. He searches out QB Princess, finding her in the cafeteria. He asks why she didn’t leave anything in his locker, and she responds, “Bitch, please! You already get to fuck me! What, I gotta make snickerdoodles for you now too?” Actually, she feels bad and acts guilty. She’s not the rally girl type (i.e. – she’s not a slut), so she gives him permission to go out and get himself one. BAD IDEA!!!!! DON’T DO IT!!!! Which means, Blind Side Lite is gonna pick up Vagina George as his rally girl. This won’t end well.
Teenage boys can turn away free sex, right? Right? RIGHT?
We’re back at another faculty meeting, and Tami-Joe Clark is suggesting that they institute an after-school tutoring/mentoring program for the STARY (Save The At-Risk Youth) crusade. One teacher in particular, with buggy eyes and a bad attitude, starts grumbling about all the extra work they already do, and they already know about the kids who WANT the extra help.
In other words, SHUT THE FUCK UP, TAMI-JOE CLARK!
She says that she’ll post a volunteer sign-up sheet, and Principal Downtrodden moves on. Can Tami Joe-Clark possibly alienate herself any more from the rest of the staff? She’s trying to save these students, but she’s making everyone look like lazy, burnt out, uncaring disgruntled teachers in the process. I mean, they are, but don’t call them all out like that in front of the boss! COME ON!
For some reason, we check in with Princess Angst in college. I have no idea why this is necessary, other than to keep Aimee Teegarden employed, but she’s a Taylor, so I guess we’re stuck with her. She’s sitting in one of those 200 seat auditorium classrooms that are perfect for napping. The lights are low and the teacher is droning on and on about the Alamo. Seriously? We learned about the Alamo in 4th grade social studies. What could a college course possibly add to it? Note to Princess Angst—Add/Drop usually lasts through the first week of classes. Find another bird course to get your easy A.
After the lecture, the moderately cute, relatively young TA gets up to review the homework assignment. He cracks a lame joke that gets a few laughs, but I guess this is supposed to make him seem cool? Not working, Mr. 23-year-old-in-a-Tweed-Jacket! He reminds everyone about the free food at the History Dept. Mixer (guaranteed to attract poor college kids), and encourages people to find study groups. Princess Angst gets up and just stands around while everyone else has magically already formed groups.
Who wants to be my friend? I’m not a judgemental, whining shrew!
She lamely approaches a guy sitting by himself and asks him if he wants to be in a group with her. He politely informs her that he’s pledging a frat and the only reason he’s there is to take notes for some of the brothers. Princess Angst continues to act like the Incredibly Shrinking Woman. If she were truly smart, she’d give the guy a blow job in exchange for the notes. That way, she can blow off the class, still get an A, and get herself invited to all the best frat parties on campus. If I learned anything in college, it was that an A is an A, however you end up getting it. No shame in playing the game.
Over at the Riggins’ home, T&T Girl is attempting to bake oatmeal cookies for Tinker when Small Town Loser walks in from practice. The scene starts to play out like a “barely legal” porn film. T&T Girl can’t figure out how to double the recipe and Small Town Loser gets in real close to show her how to handle the “spoon.”
That’s a big spoon! Can you show me how to use it?
They’re about 23 seconds away from having sex on the kitchen counter when Stripper Wife storms in and interrupts the almost-coitus, asking to speak with him outside. On the patio, she paints him a picture of what her warped imagination told her was about to happen. Basically, she’s your average woman/new mom who feels undesirable and is acting paranoid about the “fox in the hen house.” Small Town Loser assures her that they’re only helping her because of his massive guilt over Texas Forever, and he’s none too anxious to go to jail himself for banging a 16 year-old. He doesn’t verbalize the second part here, which I find hilarious. How is statutory rape NOT a part of this conversation? Anyway, Stripper Wife is momentarily satisfied and drops the subject.
Later that night, Blind Side Lite is chillin’ in his apartment in the projects when Not Sandra Bullock gets home from a rough day at work. I can’t figure out what the hell happened, but it sounds like termination is imminent. She tells Blind Side Lite not to worry, though. She won’t be going back to the crack pipe just yet. To lift her spirits, Blind Side Lite shows her the letters, adding the University of Miami, Michigan, Ohio State and LSU to the list of schools salivating over him. It’s like he’s flashing a winning lottery ticket in front of her and he says that he’ll take care of her and they can go wherever she wants. Part of me hopes they make it, but my head knows better. Until the NFL contract is signed and the money is in the bank, don’t count on anything!
The next morning, shit is about to hit the fan. Coach Father Figure is scouring the interwebs over breakfast while chatting with Tami-Joe Clark. The rankings have come out, and Red Storm are nowhere to be found. Was it expected? Not really. Is it fair? Not really. That’s why you always expect the worst. Because life sucks and it’ll kick you in the nuts at every opportunity.
At school Principal Downtrodden approaches Tami-Joe Clark about the after-school program she wants to start. The teachers are grumbling some more, calling it the “homework club.” Sounds enticing, huh? He admires her enthusiasm with STARY, but she’s asking too much. Maybe she should grease some palms and suck some dick before she asks for favors.
Halter tops and micro minis–because that’s appropriate school attire
At lunch, Blind Side Lite is going over the play book with QB Princess when Vagina George comes up to ask for Blind Side Lite’s address so that she can “deliver” his pre-game “package.” I envision her showing up at his home in a whipped cream bikini… oh wait, that’s Ali Larter in Varsity Blues. I’m mixing up my sports shows. Hope he’s got plenty of condoms and anti-fungal cream at home. QB Princess tries to be helpful by telling her the cross street, but Vagina George dismisses her, saying, “Yeah, I know where it is.” That’s probably because she’s fucked all the other poor black teens who live in the projects. QB Princess looks like she’s about to jump up and cut a bitch.
Someone should tell Blind Side Lite that those aren’t her eyes
That afternoon’s practice is rough. Everyone is pissed at the perceived snub over not getting ranked. The players are pissed, the coaches are pissed, and the random guy who has nothing better to do in the afternoon (like a job) than attend a high school football practice, is pissed! How can people not acknowledge how great they are?!?!?!
Texas Athletic Commission = Emmy Voters
Coach Father Figure breaks up the outraged pity party going on and makes Tinker and Hayseed Hottie run laps until they shut up about the rankings.
Oh cool! A Threesome!
We check back in with Princess Angst at her dorm as she walks in on her roommate fucking a dirty frat boy on the top bunk in the middle of the afternoon. The sun is still up, for Pete’s sake! I’m not a prude or anything, but you can’t even blame the sloppy awkward sex on alcohol! Pot, maybe, but no one wants to have sex when they’re high. They’re too busy eating, laughing, and passing out. Tami-Joe Clark chooses that exact moment to call Princess Angst to chat. She briefly talks about trying to choose between that history class and an economics class. When Tami-Joe Clark offers an opinion, Princess Angst puts her in her place saying that she didn’t ask for advice. Tami-Joe Clark asks how things are going with the roommate, and Princess Angst gives a flip response. Finally, she tells her mom she has to go as the recently pounded roommate opens the door and lets Princess Angst back in the room. Enjoy the smell of sweat and jizz, Princess!
Blind Side Lite and Hayseed Hottie hang out all bro-mantically by catching dinner at QB Princess’ BBQ Joint. Hayseed Hottie complains about the fruitcake (Sunshine 2.0). I’ll give him a pass on the gay bashing here because his family is a bunch of bible thumpers, and it’s hard to undo that kind of brainwashing. Blind Side Lite sticks up for him because he’s got “fast hands.” Where can I sign up to test out those fast hands? I’ll supply the massage oils. He doesn’t care if Sunshine is a fudge packer if they keep winning games and he gets recruited, goes to a major college, gets drafted by the NFL and gets rich.
I don’t have to do anything for this free meal, do I? Because I don’t suck cock, but there’s a guy on the team who might.
An old guy in line recognizes Blind Side Lite as the Red Storm’s star QB, and compliments him on last week’s win. He offers to pay for his meal. Like a good homey, Blind Side Lite introduces the old guy to Hayseed Hottie, who ALSO plays football for the Red Storm <WINK WINK>. Reluctantly, the old guy pays for both meals, but before he leaves, he tells Blind Side Lite to go to him if he should ever need anything. Don’t say that too loud in the ghetto—it’s like an invitation to get robbed.
Booster Dick shows up at field while Coach Father Figure is getting the scoreboard ready to give him a heads-up. The athletic commission is on a witch hunt, starting up an inquest into Hayseed Hottie’s hit on the QB last week that resulted in an injury. It’s a “safety concern,” but now, Hayseed Hottie faces a suspension. Coach Father Figure calls bullshit on that, sensing there’s treachery afoot!
Princess Angst, who’s probably locked out of her dorm room again, shows up at the mixer. She grabs a glass of water, and walks around waiting for people to talk to her. It’s no wonder she’s got no friends in college—girl has no social skills whatsoever. Off in an adjacent room, she spies a TV where the TA Tweed Jacket is watching a classic football game. She lurks in the doorway and recognizes the game as one of Coach Father Figure’s favorites.
He’s totally into me.
She shows off her vast knowledge of football, either in an attempt to finally start a conversation with someone or to appear superior by identifying the game as the “36 Throwback” game (yeah, I have no idea what the hell that means). TA Tweed Jacket takes the bait and argues with her that’s she’s wrong. For some reason, she chooses now to flirt a bit, even though she effectively just emasculated him. In the meantime, TA Tweed Jacket can’t even be bothered to take his eyes off the TV. Hilariously, Princess Angst slinks away, insisting she’s right.
Back at the high school, QB Princess runs into Vagina George in the girl’s room. CLASSIC! Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. QB Princess gets all up in Vagina’s George grill, asking if she thinks it’s demeaning as a woman to leave your panties in some guy’s locker when he already has a girlfriend. My thinking—depends on what kind of panties they are. Black silk thong – not quite demeaning. Granny Panties – pretty damn embarrassing. Vagina George doesn’t really care because she’s gonna steal Blind Side Lite from her. WOW! Hey, at least she’s being straight-forward. QB Princess, however, doesn’t really appreciate this and full-on attacks Vagina George in an all-out cat fight. MEOW! Someone’s weave is about to be pulled out!
Weave or not, I’m gonna rip your hair out, Carrot Top.
As a result of said cat fight, QB Princess gets a one-way ticket to Tami-Joe Clark’s office for some “guidance.” She’s shocked, because QB Princess isn’t an At-Risk Youth! What’s going on here! QB Princess lamely defends herself with the old stand-by, “She pushed me first!” Tami-Joe Clark weirdly defends the rally girl system, saying that it’s unfortunately a part of TX football, and she just has to rise above. Interesting, because she wasn’t quite so passive a few seasons back when the rally girls at the Evil Empire were asked to participate in a threesome! QB Princess just isn’t a rally girl, but she loves football and wants to be involved. Tami-Joe Clark tells her to figure something out, because now she has all these detention hours to fill.
Tami-Joe Clark heads out into the hallway and overhears a group of teachers talking about their weekly Thirsty Thursday outing. Suddenly, everyone gets awkward and slightly panicked. Lazy Bitch Teacher, not knowing what else to do, extends a polite, off-hand invite. Tami-Joe Clark promises to consider it and walks off. Behind her back, Lazy Bitch Teacher comments that everyone has to buy her drinks if Tami-Joe Clark shows up, although I don’t see the logic here. She’s the one who extended the invite. Why does she get the free drinks when she’s the one who may have ruined everyone’s happy hour? That’s the problem with these after-work happy hour outings. You can’t really exclude the office asshole from coming, and sooner or later, they decide to show up. You spend an hour feeling awkward until the alcohol loosens lips, and before you know it, someone says something insulting, tensions mount in the workplace, and the happy hour tradition is ruined. If Tami-Joe Clark knows what’s good for her, she’ll skip. Unfortunately, that means she’s gonna go.
Gratuitous Semi-Naked Locker Room Pic of the Week
Meanwhile, the Athletic Commission inquiry has hit the newspapers, and Hayseed Hottie is in the Red Storm locker room, reading all about it. What’s black at white and red all over? My face after getting caught sneeking peeks at peen in the boys locker room. Because really, that’s exactly what I’m doing right now. Luke points out that the papers are already saying it’s an illegal hit, and Blind Side Lite, as team leader, stirs the pot by bringing up the non-ranking slap in the face. Speaking for the team, he confronts Coach Father Figure about it all not being fair, and doesn’t it bother him that no one respects them. Coach responds that he doesn’t give a piss what Blind Side Lite thinks, bringing up the laughable “safety issue” bullshit that no one believes, but he has to have everyone focus on the game. He breaks out “One day at a time, one game at a time,” and he gets halfhearted YEP’s from the players. Not because they don’t believe him, but because that’s about as lame a catch phrase as “There’s no ‘I’ in TEAM.” And clearly it didn’t work, because Tinker can be heard doing his best Rodney Dangerfield impression afterwards. “No Respect!”
Consider this the only time I’ll pick red over blue (Obama 2012)
Coach Father Figure then goes over to the Evil Empire in Blue to find out what’s going on from his former asst coach, Mac McGill. You might remember him from back in season one when he was made out to be a racist, and Smash Williams rallied the minorities to boycott practice until Coach Almost Racist stood up for his black players and the issue was dropped. They sit up in the bleachers, where Coach Almost Racist informs Coach Father Figure that he’s now an Outsider and the Socs aren’t gonna let him back in cool club. Some dude name Jim Leland, over at Croft, started the inquiry (I think that’s the school that the Red Storm just beat). Coach Almost Racist stops just short of identifying the 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll, but at least Coach Father Figure now knows the deal. Coach Almost Racist breaks the tension by claiming the Evil Empire is gonna beat the Red Storm this year, and Coach Father Figure bets $20 and a shot that that’s not gonna happen. I hope someone doesn’t show this episode to the Athletic Commission, because I’m pretty sure betting on (or against) your own team is illegal too.
Suddenly, we’re back at the Taylor residence, where Tami-Joe Clark and Coach Father Figure are turning Princess Angst’s room into an office. Seriously? She’s a freshman in college who’s been away for a week. A little premature, don’t you think? Tami-Joe Clark talks herself into going to happy hour. Coach gives his stamp of approval and supports the little wife in her quest for respect. He then tries to get laid, but Tami-Joe Clark freaks out because they’re on their daughter’s bed. Poor Coach Father Figure… I’ll volunteer to take care of him instead.
Suddenly, we’re back in school, and Tami-Joe Clark finds Chica Precious in the bathroom smoking. Tami-Joe Clark brilliantly pulls the cigarette right out of her mouth, telling her she should be in Social Sciences right now. When Chica Precious doesn’t move, Tami-Joe Clark says, “Wanna hold my hand?” like Chica Precious is a 5-year-old. HAHAHAHA!!! LOVE IT! On their way to class, Tami-Joe Clark says she cares about Chica Precious, and get over your Hard Knock Life, and Straighten Up and Fly Right, and I’ll Be There for You, and Lean on Me. Seriously, this would be the bad-kid turning point moment in the inspirational inner city high school movie where the theme song would start playing. Finally, they get to class, and before sending her in, Tami-Joe Clark tells her that she deserves to have someone care for her. I’m sensing a STARY victory coming up.
Next, we see Coach Father Figure reviewing the game film at the Athletic Commission inquisition. He defends Hayseed Hottie by saying the hit was legal. The Commission chairperson, aka Douchebag Dumbo, disagrees, and Coach Father Figure points out everything that makes the hit legal. He also points out that no flag was thrown. Douchebag Dumbo says the referees were wrong because they should have called a penalty there. Then, he power trips and says that Coach’s opinion is irrelevant anyway. Then why is he even there! Formality, that why! Because they’ve already decided that they’re gonna do whatever they can to keep the Red Storm down. Coach Father Figure righteously calls out Douchebag Dumbo, saying they wouldn’t even be there if the Red Storm hadn’t beaten a team they shouldn’t have beaten and points out that the inquiry into the play wasn’t called until 2 days after the game. Douchebag Dumbo tries to hide behind the “safety issue” and their “duty” to send a message. Coach verbally bitch slaps him by saying, “Boy, I got your message loud and clear.” Ultimately, he has no power in the situation, but there’s nothing more frightening to bullies than standing up to them. YAY COACH!!!
And now, it’s partytime. Various Red Storm players, rally girls, and other assorted underage kids are out at a basketball court in the middle of the ghetto at night in public with more beer. THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN! At Hayseed Hottie’s ranch? Sure. But here? NEVER! UGH! Moving on… Hayseed Hottie is angry and getting trashed, because he’s been suspended for a game.
Introduction to Blow Jobs: Spit or Swallow
Meanwhile, Vagina George is challenging other rally girls to competitive beer bonging, and this isn’t gonna end well. After a 2nd straight win, she asks Blind Side Lite to kiss the winner. The look on his face screams, “EWWW!” and he squirms because he’s sitting right next to QB Princess. Then she instigates with QB Princess, asking if she’s got something to say. QB Princess, instead, gets up and challenges her to a beer bong race. Blind Side Lite looks on with pride as his girl beats Vagina George. And now we know that QB Princess can swallow!
We move from one party with alcohol to another, as we join happy hour in progress. Everyone eyes Tami-Joe Clark with suspicion, afraid to say anything that might insult her or prompt her to ask them to do more work. She lamely asks the guy sitting next to her what he teaches, he says American History and Gov’t, and looks away, shutting down any potential follow up conversation with her. HAHAHAHA!!! It’s just a whole mess of awkwardness and shifty eyes until the history teacher knocks over Tami-Joe Clark’s glass of wine, spilling it all over her. At this point, she sends up the white flag of surrender, and excuses herself from the party.
And that, my friends, is how you drive away the unwanted happy hour crasher. Ignore and humiliate them until they run away screaming.
Tami-Joe Clark is about to make her getaway when Lazy Bitch Teacher runs out behind her. Clearly fueled by pity and just the right amount of margarita so that she’s not thinking clearly, she apologizes to Tami-Joe Clark, reassuring her that it’ll get easier when she’s no longer new and her spirit has been sufficiently crushed like the rest of the East Dillon faculty. Tami-Joe Clark, however, is committed to STARY and just wants a little support. And in a move that Lazy Bitch Teacher will regret when she sobers up, she volunteers for the Homework Club. Tami-Joe Clark heads home, pocketing the victory. It didn’t come by respect, but she’ll take it any way she can.
How you know you’ve got a keeper–when your boyfriend will hold your hair back when you’re vomiting.
Back at the party, Vagina George is on her 4th beer bong (that we’ve seen, at least), and QB Princess is vomiting in the parking lot. She feels stupid because her behavior has nothing to do with Vagina George or jealousy or anything like that. She misses helping Blind Side Lite with football strategy, and now, the only way she can help is by baking cookies and spreading her legs. Blind Side Lite tells her she’s beautiful (nice, but not really addressing her concern), and helps her up to take her home. Then he tries to comfort her by point out that at least she won. HAHAHA!!!
As they’re heading out, they spy a clearly drunk Vagina George, who’s definitely well on her way to alcohol poisoning. QB Princess shouts that they should leave her alone and take her home. Sadly, that’s not gonna happen, as one guy is using her like a puppet and laughing his ass off.
This is what Date Rape looks like.
And speaking of drunk, a hammered Hayseed Hottie finally finds Sunshine 2.0. He whips out the beer muscles, and tries to start something. For a moment, I think we’re gonna get a kiss between the two, but alas, FNL fails to go there.
I know I’m beating a dead horse, because FNL isn’t going gay. But tell me you don’t want Sunshine 2.0 and Hayseed Hottie to kiss right here. HOOOOOOOOOOT!!!
Sunshine 2.0 lets Hayseed Hottie blow off some steam, but tensions are mounting. Hayseed is trying to goad Sunshine into a brawl, which is all very homoerotic, until T&T Girl jumps in to diffuse the situation. She distracts him with some flirting, gets his keys, and they leave.
At the ranch, T&T Girl helps Hayseed Hottie up onto the porch, where Hayseed admits to trading his pig for her. She’s clearly as confused as I am, but then he explains that he traded Maribelle, the pig, to Tinker so that he could have T&T Girl as his rally girl. If you overlook the bestiality and slavery undertones, it’s actually kinda sweet. T&T cracks a funny, asking how the pig feels about all that, and they laugh.
If we make a baby again, you won’t have to abort it this time.
Hayseed Hottie invites her inside, and she freaks out a bit. The last time they had sex, it resulted in an unwanted pregnancy and bad news abortion. She declines for tonight, and says she’ll see him at school. Hayseed is clearly disappointed, but he doesn’t try to convince her. They hug, and he holds on a bit too long. But they’re obviously still into each other, and I have a super silly grin on my face. I like seeing Hayseed Hottie happy. HE’S SO FUCKING HOT!
I’m so in love with this boy….
T&T Girl gets home, and Stripper Wife is waiting up for her. She plays the part of overprotective mom, yelling that they’ve been up half the night (as Small Town Loser is sleeping in his Lazy Boy) and there are rules in this house, missy. T&T Girl apologizes, saying that she’s not used to anyone noticing if she’s out all night or getting knocked up. Stripper Wife advises her to get used to it and go to bed. T&T Girl finally feels loved and part of a family, saying good night.
Ok, I’m here. Now can I leave?
The next day, Tami-Joe Clark gets to work to find Chica Precious sitting outside her office for their “stupid” meeting. Tami-Joe Clark invites her in, reveling in this major STARY victory!
Over at college, TA Tweed Jacket runs up to Princess Angst on the quad to let her know that she was right about the classic football game. He offers to make good on the bet that they never made and invites her out for coffee after class. She walks away feeling better about herself, but we all know where this is gonna lead. University Sex Scandal! I can only shake my head at her stupidity.
Blind Side Lite is in the gardening supply store with Not Sandra Bullock. He’s taking the old guy up on his offer of help. Not Sandra Bullock is interviewing for a new job, trying to gloss over the clear gaps in her resume from when she was unemployed and on the crack pipe.
I never bought that crack off your nephew.
It doesn’t seem to be going well, and Blind Side Lite is nervous, but she gets the job. They celebrate this amazing stroke of luck, and things are looking up for them. Which means that things are about to fall apart. Stay tuned, as Blind Side Lite’s Deadbeat Dad gets out of jail next week.
Finally, at the game, things are about to get underway as radio announcer/narrator heightens the drama by focusing on Hayseed Hottie’s suspension. Coach Father Figure pauses on the field to take in the sight of the cheering crowd and the great show of community support the team has built. Everyone’s against the Red Storm winning. How is Coach gonna motivate his team now?
In the locker room, everyone is relatively quiet, and Hayseed Hottie is conspicuously out of uniform. Coach Father Figure walks in, and I figure he’s about to give his great motivational pregame speech. Instead, he doesn’t say a word as the team falls silent. Coach pats Hayseed Hottie on the shoulder in a show of support, and then erases some X’s and O’s off the dry erase board, writing something there as the team pays closer attention. Coach Father Figure turns around to face his players, and we see that he’s written “STATE” down. The locker room gets pumped up at the challenge that Coach Father Figure has thrown down before them. Without saying a word, he’s finally dispelled all the grumblings of no respect and focused the team around what their ultimate goal should be. He exclaims, “Let’s Go!” and the team runs out onto the field. And I’m a sap because I’m applauding in my living room along with the team, clearly unable to make fun of this totally predictable gimmick. I’m totally in!