As we approach the midpoint of FNL’s final season, we start to see things falling apart for our characters. I’m well versed at things falling apart, my friends. My career was soaring until I bit off much more than I could chew with a management position that carried way too much responsibility. My mentor cautioned me, but I had faith in myself. And by faith, I mean delusional hubris. A year and a half later, I found myself fired over a huge fuck up that really wasn’t my fault (HONESTLY!!!), and found myself in the unemployment lines in the middle of an economic crisis trying to get another job in the non-profit sector. (I’ll pause while you chuckle a little at my expense!) A year and a half later, my unemployment benefits exhausted, I’m working a call center job trying to scrape by on dollar store food and generic brand cigarettes. But at my darkest hour, the storm clouds part and the first rays of sunshine breaks through, in the form of writing for the GASM. So as we watch the perfect world of Dillon, TX start to crumble like a pile of uncemented bricks, take heed that salvation, in the form of an inspirational and triumphant series finale, is just around the corner.
Our next installment opens up with a church montage a day after the Red Storm returned victorious and painfully hung over from their big road game. Hayseed Hottie and his Right Wing Nut Job Parents stand and sing hymns at their church, while the Family Taylor attends their weekly service dodging bolts of lightning aimed at Princess Angst’s adulterous ass.
Keeping holy the sabbath, CHECK! Except for last Sunday, when I had premarital sex with my married TA. Broken Commandment Counter: 1
Booster Dick’s formerly adulterous ass speaks from the pulpit (boggles the mind, doesn’t it?), while Lil Dick is still sleeping off the moonshine in the back pews.
Dreaming about the She-Male you hooked up with two days ago… probably not a good idea to do in the middle of pastor’s sermon about chastity.
Blind Side Lite and QB Princess snuggle together in the black church, joined by Deadbeat Dad, getting Not Sandra Bullock one step closer to her glorious Cosby Family Moment ™.
As the respective sermons across Dillon wrap up, the post mortems begin. Right Wing Nut Dad talks about how proud he is of Hayseed Hottie getting recruited by TMU, and their pastor wants a photo with him now. Hayseed Hottie, back to rational thought following their drunken escapades, is suddenly very cautious about the TMU situation, asking his dad to keep quiet until he’s got a scholarship offer in his hands.
Mom, Dad… I’ve got a bad feeling about this, and it’s not the fever I’m running from the infected burn wound I’m hiding on my bicep.
Families Dick and Taylor converse about Coach’s cover spread in the next issue of Texas Football magazine, while Lil Dick and Princess Angst catch up awkwardly. Booster Dick tries to make a thing out of their potential coupling, and Coach Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark look sufficiently horrified at the thought.
There’s no way I’m fucking sucking your dick, goddammit. Ooops, I just took the Lord’s name in vein. Broken Commandment Counter: 2
Auntie BBQ talks with the Family Ghetto about the difficulties of raising a family without the father present, and Deadbeat Dad concurs, his voice tinged with regret. To lighten the mood, she invites them over for dinner following the Red Storm’s next game that Friday. Meanwhile, Blind Side Lite discusses going to the movies so that they can get some private time in the dark for heavy petting without getting cock blocked by peeping toms. QB Princess tells him to check his ego before he trips over it and permanently injures his 5th limb.
Looks like someone is still pissed over getting ditched for the boys.
What’s most refreshing about this particular Sunday is the knowledge that not everyone in Texas goes to church. Family Stripper/Loser and their foster teenager have skipped the weekly cleansing of secretly sinful souls, choosing instead to stay at home and watch their beloved Cowboys lose in embarrassing fashion.
Is that God calling, asking where your “donation” is? Nope, it’s Texas Forever looking for his cigarette money. Close enough.
Texas Forever calls from jail, and Small Town Loser springs up off the couch. T&T Girl begs for a few minutes to say hello, but Stripper Wife physically holds her back. Small Town Loser assures Texas Forever that he’s been loyally making payments on the land he purchased with his share of the chop shop money before going to jail. Wouldn’t the government have seized that particular asset following a guilty plea? Can any lawyers, paralegals, or Law and Order fans out there confirm or refute this? Anyway, Texas Forever hasn’t gotten the money Small Town Loser has sent to him in jail, and he’s in the middle of promising to personally deliver it tomorrow when Texas Forever unceremoniously hangs up on him. Or the 3 minutes purchased with the quarter at the pay phone ran out and the call got disconnected.
How debt collection goes in the ghetto
Blind Side Lite, back from asking God for forgiveness for overindulging on the devil’s nectar, is heading out for a job when Scary Ass Gangsta Thug jumps out from under the stairs. Blind Side Lite tries to turn around and run back up the stairs, but Gangsta grabs him first. The $5K loan he took from the Gangsta’s Paradise Savings and Trust for Not Sandra Bullock’s crack rehab has come due, but surprisingly, Blind Site Lite doesn’t have it. (For those who didn’t watch last season, Blind Side Lite was supposed to work off the debt by stealing cars and collecting debts. They were doing exactly that when they got ambushed and Blind Side Lite’s friend got shot and killed). Our generous enforcer recounts shooting and killing someone, and gives Blind Side Lite two days to come up with the cash or who knows what could happen. Translation: I’ll kill you, too.
Over in the white suburbs, we revisit Princess Angst’s college farewell, as Coach Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark see her off. Princess Angst drives off, and a block or so away, she comes to an intersection that represents the personal crossroads she’s come to in her life.
Brittney Spears chose to get knocked up, show her cootch, and shave her head. What are you gonna do?
The thought of the Ultimate Walk of Shame ™ sets in, and she’s overcome by humiliation, fear and panic. She stops the car, trying to think of a way out of her situation. Her solution—wreck her car by driving through a brick mailbox. HAHAHAHA!!!
Why Ford Focuses shouldn’t play Jenga
She gets out of the car and sits on the curb, clearly trying to backtrack and construct a believable lie as to what happened.
Back at home, Princess Angst immediately says that she can wait for the car to be fixed to go back to school. All she has to do is study for midterms and she’s not gonna miss anything. Tami-Joe Clark says nonsense. She just has to rearrange her schedule a bit so that she can drive her back to school. Coach Father Figure is dealing with the mechanic and the insurance when Princess Angst apologizes for crashing the car, saying a dog just ran out in the middle of the road.
Broken Commandment Counter: 3 – Thou Shalt Not Lie
Ahhh, so that’s her story! I have to give her props. The first rule of telling a convincing lie is to keep the details to a minimum so you don’t get caught later on when you forget what you said. Her parents are sympathetic, acknowledging that things like this happen, and all that matters is that she’s safe. But Tami-Joe Clark is driving her back once she gets a sitter for Gracie Bell. And Princess Angst’s grand plan falls apart right before her eyes. I bet she’s wishing she faked whiplash too.
Keeping wads of cash like this is probably a bad idea with a recovering crack addict in the house... just saying
Back in the ghetto, Blind Side Lite is raiding all of his stashes of cash, desperately counting whatever he’s been able to save. What? Did he know his day of reckoning would eventually come? Guess he was hoping for more time. Meanwhile, QB Princess is trying to brainstorm alternatives. She suggests bringing in Deadbeat Dad since he used to run with the Gangsta Thug before he went to prison. Blind Side Lite shoots that plan down, saying he can’t risk his parole by getting into trouble. QB Princess suggests talking to Coach, but then he’d have to tell the whole story about what happened with his dead friend and all.
Speaking of Coach, he’s in his office on the phone with the mechanic when Hayseed Hottie drops in to confront him about asking Blind Side Lite to keep quiet about TMU. And finally, the heavy sense of foreboding built up over the past few episodes comes to fruition.
You mean NO OTHER SCHOOL has expressed interest in me?
Coach Father Figure drops the bomb that TMU used Hayseed Hottie to gain access to Blind Side Lite. Hayseed Hottie hangs on to the last strands of hope, saying that TMU is interested in both of them, but Coach quickly severs them, assuring Hayseed that he knows what he’s talking about. He admits to being blind-sided by the situation, and apologizes for not watching out for him better. We watch Hayseed Hottie’s dreams go up in flames as realization sinks in. Coach tries to reassure him that many more opportunities will come his way, but Hayseed Hottie is defeated. He thanks Coach and leaves.
That afternoon at practice, the team is seated up in the stands while the coaches try to figure out what they’re gonna do about the idiocy they just learned about. Small Town Loser’s joke about taking a dump in a mailbox falls flat with Coach (since it was apparently Coach’s mailbox!), and he quickly grovels. Gay Coach wants to rip the team new assholes (or let them rip his?). Coach starts to discipline the team about the branding incident, but Sunshine 2.0 makes light of it, and then the team, in hilarious unison, hold up the latest issue of Texas Football magazine with Coach’s picture on the cover.
Probably not a good idea to joke around with Coach when he’s clearly pissed off. It’s safer poking at a hornet’s nest.
Giggles ripple through the team and the coaches, but Coach Father Figure isn’t amused. As punishment, he makes them all run. He pulls Blind Side Lite aside, asking why he disregarded his wishes and told Hayseed Hottie about TMU. Blind Side Lite scrambles, trying to explain without blaming it on alcohol induced loose lips. And this ship has completely sunk.
You know what happens when you make Bruce Banner angry…
He says he didn’t wanna lie, but Coach didn’t ask him to lie. Just to keep your mouth shut. Coach glowers over Blind Side Lite as he tries to apologize. Finally, he gets the hint, and gets to running.
Tami-Joe Clark and Princess Angst stop at the Alamo Freeze for a soft serve, presumably before driving back to college. Tami-Joe Clark is dying to know how it’s going for her daughter at college, but Princess Angst is dismissive and clearly preoccupied. When she asks about the boy situation, the awkward silence finally tips her off that something’s wrong. Princess Angst sends up about a dozen flares by making Tami-Joe Clark promise not to freak out over what she’s about to say. Tami-Joe Clark looks on terrified, finally agreeing.
Broken Commandment Counter: 4 – Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
Princess Angst proceeds to spill her guts about the whole inappropriate, adulterous affair and the ensuing assault by the scorned wife in her dorm (not the library). Tami-Joe Clark asks if she got hurt, but Princess Angst is physically fine. Except, she can’t go back, and she doesn’t know what to do.
Tami-Joe Clark’s reaction = HUH?
Coach Father Figure’s Reaction = WTF!
Cut to Tami-Joe Clark telling Coach Father Figure about their daughter’s affair with a married TA, and predictably, Coach freaks out. Guess Tami-Joe Clark forgot to make him promise not to! Tami-Joe Clark tries to keep Coach calm, telling him to sit down. But that only ignites the inferno. He doesn’t wanna sit down. He wants to drive up to that school and beat the shit out of TA Tweed Jacket. He starts raising his voice just loud enough for Princess Angst to be able to hear what he’s saying from her bedroom. Tami-Joe Clark plays the part of concerned mother, focusing on their daughter’s humiliation. Coach says she damn well better be humiliated. I say good for him to recognize that she needs to take responsibility for getting into a relationship with a married professor. Coach finally calms down when Tami-Joe Clark argues that their daughter needs their compassion right now. He correctly guesses that Princess Angst wrecked the car on purpose, but Tami-Joe Clark doesn’t believe it. Their daughter wouldn’t do something like that. Bet you thought your daughter wouldn’t climb up onto a married man’s disco stick either, but guess what. She did! Don’t you hate it when you’re forced to remove the rose colored glasses?
The next morning, after what must have been a sleepless night questioning just how well she knows her daughter, Tami-Joe Clark asks Princess Angst if she wrecked the car on purpose. Princess Angst admits that there was no dog.
But mom… his cock is THIS BIG! Broken Commandment Counter: 5 – Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s possessions
Personally, I would have held on tight to this particular lie, as would my BFF. Why make matters worse, ya know? Then again, the timing of the crash is awfully suspicious, so why risk getting caught in this particular lie later on when the insurance company investigates and the inevitable eye-witness surfaces to confirm there wasn’t a dog. Princess Angst admits that it was stupid and that she’ll pay for the car. Tami-Joe Clark says that it’s not about the money, it’s about the CHOICES that she’s making. Princess Angst lives up to her name, blaming her piss poor decisions on the possibility that she wasn’t ready for college, suggesting that traveling instead would have suited her better. Because there are no married men with aggressive wives in Europe. Tami-Joe Clark shuts down that line of bullshit right away. She can’t run away from her problems. She needs to be an adult now and take responsibility for her actions. DAMN STRAIGHT! Word of advice to Princess Angst: Take a lesson from Emma Stone’s character in Easy A. Wear the Scarlet Letter, let people talk, and move the fuck on!
Coming soon to a strip mall near you… for all your stripping needs.
Speaking of wearing scarlet letters (G’s, as in g-string), Stripper Wife and T&T Girl are out shopping for dancing costumes at Thongs R’ Us. The phone call from Texas Forever rekindled her infatuation for him, and in the most twisted maternal advice possible, Stripper Wife advocates for her to get her freak on with Hayseed Hottie instead. T&T Girl changes the subject, picking out a hideous lavender bikini. And Stripper Wife, growing more and more beloved, walks off saying rhinestones make her look trashy! HAHAHAHA!!!
And speaking of Hayseed Hottie, he’s at practice half-assing things out of disappointment and spite. Small Town Loser gets in his face, but Hayseed Hottie snarks, why don’t you ask the Kingmaker. Be careful, unless you wanna run until you puke again. That’s exactly what old coach suggests since everyone seems flat. Coach Father Figure responds by turning practice over to him and walking out as everyone looks on in shock and confusion.
Fuck this shit, I’m taking a mental health day.
Where did Coach go? Princess Angst is making a grilled cheese when he walks in the door and stands outside the kitchen unable to look at his daughter. He asks if she knew if TA Tweed Jacket was married and had a wife. I’ll excuse the redundancy, since he’s clearly playing the part of crushed father. Princess Angst just stands there on the verge of tears, unable to respond.
You should have thought about this before you slept with a married man.
Her silence speaks volumes as Coach hangs his head in shame.
Silver lining, Coach—at least she’s not pregnant. Yet….
The deadline for Blind Side Lite to pay back the loan is up, and he rendezvous with Ghetto Thug out in public. He hands over an envelope filled with cash, but a quick flip through the bills tells Ghetto Thug that he’s woefully short of the $5K. Ghetto Thug starts to get angry, and Blind Side Lite promises to get the rest, but he needs more time. Ghetto Thug wants it all NOW, and puts his hand around Blind Side Lite’s throat in a very threatening manner.
Hand job or choke hold… you decide
This is where we’re reminded that Blind Side Lite used to be a genuine thug himself. He swipes Ghetto Thug’s hand off of him, and pushes him hard up against the wall. He tells him that he’ll get his money, but people are watching his back. He says to Ghetto Thug that he’ll be sorry he ever messed with him before he walks away. Ghetto Thug looks on, and I suddenly get nervous. No way Ghetto Thug rolls over to take this up the ass.
I can’t deal with our current family crisis right now. Can’t you see that I’m busy!
Back at Casa de Taylor, Coach is out back watching the grass grow when Tami-Joe Clark calls him out for avoiding their daughter. They have another conversation about Princess Angst’s bad choices, and Coach finally says that he doesn’t know his daughter anymore. Tami-Joe Clark reminds him that she’s still their daughter and she needs them right now. Personally, I’m on Team Coach Father Figure here. Princess Angst needs a kick in the ass.
And we only need to wait for the commercial until we get to see Coach Father Figure lay down the law. The next morning, Princess Angst is sitting on the couch when he declares he’ll pay for the car to get fixed, but she’s gonna pay him back because the car was her responsibility. Then, when they get the car back later that afternoon, she’s packing her shit and going back to school. Defeated, Princess Angst agrees, and Coach leaves for work.
At school, our Fantastic Foursome are sitting up in the bleachers while Sunshine 2.0 goes over a pesky play. Blind Side Lite just tells him to get open, and he’ll get the ball to him. Hayseed Hottie jumps in and explains how the play is supposed to go, and Blind Side Lite stupidly comments that he knows his stuff and maybe he’ll get to be QB1 someday.
You didn’t just steal my scholarship, you stole my dream! What’s next? My pseudo-girlfriend?
Hayseed Hottie snaps back that maybe he should, and then TMU might actually recruit him this time. Blind Side Lite asks if he’s ok, reminding him that Hayseed Hottie asked him to go to the game with him, and he had nothing to do with TMU’s deception. Sadly, he’s right, but Hayseed is pissed nonetheless, accusing Blind Side Lite of stealing his scholarship before storming off in a huff.
Meanwhile, QB Princess is at work taking out the trash when Ghetto Thug ambushes her. He backs her up against the dumpster, getting all handsy with her.
OH SHIT! Ghetto Thug is getting personal!
She says that Blind Side Lite is trying to get his money, but Ghetto Thug says it needs to get done. Otherwise, buildings might start going up in flames. Like a certain greasy BBQ joint they happen to be standing behind. QB Princess manages to get away and she rushes inside to seeming safety while Ghetto Thug looks on menacingly. I can’t really joke here. This scene was truly terrifying.
What I can joke about is Small Town Loser getting drunk in the middle of the afternoon, watching Texas Forever’s college recruitment video riddled with guilt and regret. Seriously, dude. I understand it’s difficult for you to deal with, but stop being such a pussy. At that moment, an equally drunk Hayseed Hottie bangs on his door, looking for T&T Girl. He says he needs to talk, but we all know the only thing that’ll make him feel better is nice long blowjob. Small Town Loser says that she’s out with Stripper Wife, then he yells at him for getting drunk the day before their next game. Hayseed Hottie doesn’t care, because it doesn’t matter anymore. Small Town Loser won’t let him drive off drunk, telling him to get inside.
While Hayseed Hottie sulks about his lost opportunities, QB Princess tells Blind Side Lite about the threats leveled against her by Ghetto Thug. He’s angry until QB Princess says she’s gonna call the cops.
I hope he’s not about to do something stupid, like driving into a brick mailbox.
At that point, Blind Side Lite gets afraid, begging for a chance to make it all right. QB Princess persists, saying they have to go to the cops, or Coach Father Figure, or somebody. Blind Side Lite tells her to lock the door, and that he’s gonna handle it.
White Trash Daycare
Over at the Landing Strip, T&T Girl is watching Baby Billy while Stripper Wife works the pole on a day shift. She thanks her for babysitting while pulling wads of dollar bills, and the occasional $5 out of her bra. T&T Girl looks at the money greedily, saying she’s happy to help. Maternal instincts kick in, and she says she doesn’t like being away from her baby.
Small Town Loser and Hayseed Hottie are out in the yard, getting smashed together while Small Town Loser is knocking smoldering charcoal briquettes with a golf club into the bushes.
Seriously? Talk about fucking stupid! Have fun explaining this to the fire inspector after you burn down a house.
Hayseed Hottie is wallowing in self-pity about the lost scholarship, and Small Town Loser tells him to get the fuck over it. When was the last time you played for fun? He says that Hayseed Hottie needs to go back to playing with joy, and I’m slightly impressed at how wise he’s being, despite fire golf. Then he gets up on the random toilet carelessly strewn on their lawn, and screams at the top of his lungs.
You may take our lives, but you will never take our FREEDOM!
Bet the neighbors love that! Hayseed Hottie is like, WTF? Join the club! Small Town Loser explains that it’s his war cry. He has to get his heart back into playing. He tells Hayseed Hottie to get up and try out his own war cry. He drags his ass out of the plastic patio chair, stumbling a little. Then he pulls out his phone to drunk dial the “ass-face” TMU coach. BAD IDEA!!!!
Drunk Dial: Male Version – “But Coach, why don’t you want me? Aren’t I good enough for you? Please take me back!”
And yet, how often have you fantasized about telling off a pompous jerkoff, like a boss or relative, who just treated you like shit? As bad as this idea is, it’s still pretty awesome! Small Town Loser suggests telling him to eat the corn out of his turds. I vomit a little in my mouth at the thought. Luckily, Hayseed Hottie has a little bit of sense, saying he shouldn’t go that far. He gets the coach on the phone, tells him off and then screams in his ear. BRILLIANT! That’ll teach him to play my boy for a fool!
With night falling over Dillon, Blind Side Lite walks up to Coach Father Figure’s house. He gets up to the front door, but he can’t bring himself to knock. Too ashamed to admit what he did to Coach? Afraid he might disappoint his father figure? Possibly, because he ends up back in the ghetto, telling the situation to Deadbeat Dad. He tells his son that he did good, getting the money to help out his mom.
It’s like Jaws after getting a taste of blood… this can’t end well.
Then a quiet rage takes over, mouthing off about Ghetto Thug being a little punk with a little gun and a little street cred. He’s surprised he doesn’t have himself a rap album too! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! TRUE!!!! It feels weird to laugh at such a serious moment, but that was TVGASM worthy! Deadbeat Dad tells him he’ll take care of it, and his only worry should be football. Blind Side Lite is concerned about him messing up his parole and going back to jail. Deadbeat Dad snaps out of it, saying that he won’t do anything stupid. He’s just gonna call in a few favors and pay off Ghetto Thug. Easy peasy, Japanesey. Blind Side Lite thanks him, and Deadbeat Dad brushes it off. After all, it was his fault Not Sandra Bullock got messed up with crack in the first place. Blind Side Lite got her out, and he owes his son.
Gratuitous Semi-Naked Pic of the Week: Morning Wood Edition
Game day arrives, and Luke wakes up hung over yet again. I’m too busy checking for morning wood to notice much, but he gets up and rips the TMU poster off the wall. He tears it up, throws it in the toilet, and proceeds to piss on it! HAHAHAHA!!! LOVE IT!
Back at the Taylor home, the car has been fixed and now it’s time for Princess Angst to go back to school. Coach is ready to kick her whiny ass out the door when suddenly, she’s all like, “Nevermind, I’m not going back to school and you can’t make me!” She says some bullshit about transferring to another school. What, preschool? Seriously, how old are you? What are you gonna do now? Hold your breath, stomp your feet and slam doors? Grow up! Coach tries to drag her ass out the door, but she struggles to break free, bolts down the hall and SLAMS THE BEDROOM DOOR!!!! HAHAHAHA!
Broken Commandment Counter: 6 – Thou Shall Honor Thy Father and Mother
The Red Storm are all gathered in the locker room, surrounded by the 800lb elephant in the room—Coach Father Figure’s absence. Black Coach verbalizes what everyone is thinking. No one has ever seen Coach walk out of practice, much less be late for a game. Old Coach voices reason, saying Coach said he’d be there, so he’ll be there. Unless Princess Angst throws another tantrum, packs a bag and runs away around the block.
Back in their living room, Tami-Joe Clark and Coach Father Figure look at each other like exasperated parents of a suddenly At-Risk Youth! I bet Tami-Joe Clark didn’t think she’d have one of her own to save too! She reminds Coach that he’s got a game to go to, which he knows about, but he can’t bring himself to leave. She slept with a professor at college, not overdosed on drugs. You don’t have to stand vigil. She’s not leaving the house.
With ten minutes to kickoff, The Red Storm assistant coaches can’t wait any longer for Coach to arrive, so they turn to Small Town Loser to give the motivational speech. Hmmmmm… He’s certainly intense, and he does a good drill sergeant impression. But pre-game speech? I don’t know how this is gonna go. He starts off by admitting that Coach ain’t here, and he ain’t Coach. NO SHIT! He’s quiet and meek at first, but as he gets going, his voice raises in volume and fills with passion. It’s Friday night in our house, and this team wants to come into our house and embarrass us blah blah blah.
Let’s win this one for the Gipper!
You’ve all seen the movies. You know how it goes. Coach finally shows up in the middle, standing back and lets him finish psyching up the troops. Hayseed Hottie looks on with newfound respect, Blind Side Lite cracks a smile and Black Coach nods in excitement. A few cheers erupt as he finishes, telling them to kick some ass. Coach jumps in, telling Small Town Loser he did a good job and apologizes to the team for being late. Now there’s a stand up guy! I LOVE COACH FATHER FIGURE!
The music swells as the team heads out to take the field. Coach Father Figure stops them just outside the gate and tells them that this is the moment. Who they are on the field tonight is who they’re gonna be for the rest of their lives. Pimply faced teenagers? Aggressive warriors? Bench warmers? NO! THEY’RE GONNA BE WINNERS! Pride swells as they take the field.
Meanwhile, somewhere on school property with the field in the background, Deadbeat Dad walks up to Ghetto Thug, smoking a cigarette. He announces that he doesn’t have Ghetto Thug’s money, and Ghetto Thug is like, “WTF! I could have had a V8!” Deadbeat Dad says that he’s there to settle this business with his boy. Ghetto Thug tries to play tough guy, saying that nothing is settled until he gets his money, flashing the gun he’s got at his hip. Deadbeat Dad takes a drag off the cigarette, considering his options. Then he flicks his cigarette in Ghetto Thug’s face and follows it up with a solid right hook to the jaw. Deadbeat Dad throws him down to the ground, grabbing the gun in the process, and proceeds to deliver a prison yard style beatdown, kicking him in the gut and face.
Or he’s just practicing for his America’s Got Talent audition
He’s says that he’s been in prison a long time, and he’s not scared of a 2 bit punk like him. There are some real mean fuckers in the clink. Finally, he gets down on one knee and puts the gun to Ghetto Thug’s temple, threatening to put him down like a dog if he ever messes with his family again. With blood dribbling out of his mouth, Ghetto Thug says that they’re straight.
In addition to not getting your $5K, you’ve been robbed of your gun and your street cred, too. When the record execs stop calling, you’ll know why.
And with that, Deadbeat Dad puts the gun in his waistband and walks off. DAMN THAT WAS AWESOME! Don’t you love it when the bad guys get served?
Suddenly, the game is over, and by the raucous celebration going on at Booster Dick’s bar, we can assume that the Red Storm won the game to remain undefeated at 5-0. YAAAAAAAAAAY! The tradition of putting the game ball on display continues, this time, the honor goes to Hayseed Hottie.
How does that shit taste, TMU?!?!?!?
As the party rolls on, Small Town Loser calls him over to take credit for his stellar performance in the game. Then he promises to keep working with him so that he can get a scholarship to any school in the country that he wants to go to. Except Hayseed Hottie is already a senior, and most of the schools have already done all their recruiting. But it’s a tender moment, and I love seeing Hayseed Hottie happy. So I’ll let it slide. Small Town Loser is “taking him under his wing,” and he points to his bicep, then engages Hayseed Hottie in a headlock.
This is how school sex scandals begin.
And Hayseed Hottie comments that it smells bad under there. HAHAHAHA!!! Guess Small Town Loser forgot the Arrid Xtra Dry today.
Meanwhile, Stripper Wife is sitting with T&T Girl, commenting on how hot Hayseed Hottie looks. I concur, Stripper Wife! Break me off a piece of that! T&T Girl admits to thinking about starting things up again with him, but Hayseed Hottie is not…. That’s right, everyone, say it with me. TEXAS FOREVER! Once you’ve fallen under the spell of Texas Forever, there’s no way you can possibly move on. Just ask Tyra… oh wait, she moved on to Ginger White Bread. Ok, just ask Single Mom Neighbor… oh wait, she moved on to Small Town Loser (before Stripper Wife came into the picture). Ok, just ask Layla… oh wait, she just moved away. Just ask his pretend cellmate who’s currently bending over for it…. Oh wait, parole is right around the corner. Nevermind.
Stripper Wife tells her in no uncertain terms that Texas Forever is a player, and when he gets out of jail, he’s not gonna be with her. T&T Girl hems and haws a bit, and Stripper Wife has had enough. She gets up and grabs Hayseed Hottie, bringing him over to their table. Then she tells them that they’re both young and hot and they should be screwing like bunnies. But the mother in her kicks in, reminding them to use protection and be safe (unlike the last time they screwed). Can I just say how much I’m loving Stripper Wife right now?!?!? She’s like the Texas version of Donna Reed, if Donna Reed were an uneducated white trash stripper.
I don’t wanna screw like bunnies… unless that’s what you wanna do.
Hayseed Hottie, with his farm boy manners and Christian values, is immediately horrified, assuring T&T Girl that he had nothing to do with what just happened. T&T Girl giggles, and maybe, just maybe, Hayseed Hottie’s penis can get a little lovin’ tonight? PLEASE!!!
Over at Auntie BBQ’s place, Deadbeat Dad is sneaking his third piece of pie when Blind Side Lite shows up. I guess physical combat makes a fella hungry. Blind Side Lite wants to talk about the situation, and Deadbeat Dad assures him that it’s already been taken care of. Blind Side Lite tries to get details about what happened, but Deadbeat Dad tells him not to worry about any of it (red flag). He congratulates his son on a great game, and they all sit down to eat. At a lull in the conversation, the male Rudy Huxtable chimes it, “What was jail like, Mr. Howard?”
Kids say the darnedest things, don’t they! I hope he doesn’t get beaten later on.
Everyone is suddenly awkward and embarrassed, until Deadbeat Dad takes control of the situation, saying it was sad and lonely, and you don’t ever wanna go to jail because you can’t be with the people you love. Not to mention all the rape going on in the showers and the shanking going on in the yard. The moral of the story: Don’t get caught! With that, the awkwardness dissipates and Not Sandra Bullock looks on at her man with love and respect, finally getting her Cosby Family Moment ™!
Enjoy it now, because there won’t be too many more, I predict.
And finally, Coach Father Figure gets home from the game to find Tami-Joe Clark passed out on the couch with the TV on and an empty wine glass on the coffee table. Coach lets her sleep, going down the hall to check in on a not quite asleep Gracie Bell. Perhaps Tami-Joe Clark should consider the following bedtime story:
Coach sits down on the edge of her bed, consoling himself with the fact that he has one more opportunity to raise the perfect daughter, seeing as how their first attempt turned out to be a home-wrecking slut. At that moment, Princess Angst shows up in the doorway, looking sad. She says that she didn’t mean to disappoint him.
Or a majority of the Ten Commandments in the process. Total Broken Commandments: 6/10
When Coach Father Figure can’t bring himself to look at her, she retreats back to her bedroom. End of episode.
So, Gasmii, what did you think? I personally thought that this was a fantastic episode. Kyle Chandler says more without saying a word than most actors out there working with a very detailed script. And you can really feel things starting to unravel across the board. It’ll be very interesting to see how things play out in the 2nd half of the season. How is Deadbeat Dad gonna screw things up for Blind Side Lite? Will Hayseed Hottie get another opportunity to play college ball? How will the return of Texas Forever change things for T&T Girl and Small Town Loser? Will Princess Angst finally grow up and start taking responsibility for her actions? Will the Red Storm be able to stay focused and get to STATE? Sound off in the comments, and join me for the next installment as we roll towards the series finale.
Slumrville was born on the first day of May in the year 1978, in Brooklyn, NY, and the world barely took notice. It became increasingly evident that he would never grow up to be an Olympic gold medalist, pop superstar, Oscar winning actor, well respected news anchor, doctor, lawyer, or billionaire CEO. He did, however, have a passion for two things: television and books.
While other children were playing outside, he sat and watched soaps with his beloved gramma or read the latest Mary Higgins Clark or Sidney Sheldon novel. He eventually discovered a talent for writing his own stories, and built a whole pipe dream about being a best selling novelist. The dream took him all the way to college, where he pursued a BFA in creative writing. After graduation, the hammer of reality beat him into submission, with only television to distract him from his bitter disappointment in himself. He has since held a string of administrative positions, punctuated by bouts of unemployment.
But the dream lives on as Slumrville now joins the staff of TVGASM. His DVR is currently set to record American Idol, DWTS, Top Chef, Big Brother, Toddlers and Tiaras, Brothers and Sisters, Chuck, Hawaii Five-0, Castle, Parenthood, General Hospital, Glee, Blue Bloods, the Event, Raising Hope, Modern Family, Cougar Town, The Office, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Community, Outsourced and ABC Family Reruns of Gilmore Girls. His favorite shows from years gone by include 24, Everwood, My So-Called Life, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse, Ugly Betty, Picket Fences, and the Golden Girls.
Slumrville currently resides in Easton, PA with his cats, Smokey and Collette, and thanks to the wonders of Skype, his lost distance gay lover, Twinkle.