It’s a bye week for the Red Storm, which means no expensive fake football game footage. Also, fewer practices and more drama. Let’s get started.
Coming off last week’s emotionally intense episode, we start this week off with a little bit of afternoon delite, ghetto style. Blind Side Lite and QB Princess are rolling around on her bed, kissing on each other. Blind Side Lite says that this was an emergency because he never gets to see her anymore, and she reminds him that he sees her in the locker room all the time. He tells her he can’t get to third base with her in the locker room, though. She giggles, and just as he’s about to slide into home, QB Princess’ brothers pop up in the bedroom window. Blind Side Lite takes it all in stride, running outside to play.
Cut to the Riggins home, where Stripper Wife’s kid sits in a swing to remind us of the potential consequences of unprotected sex. Stripper Wife is doing some P90X to drop the baby weight so that she can climb back up the stripper pole again.
Must have had some money left over from the chop to buy a flat screen TV. Good thing Texas Forever went to jail for so that they could a kick ass home entertainment system.
T&T Girl walks in and hovers until Stripper Wife finally asks what she’s doing. T&T Girl wants to know if she can have a few girls over to help plan Eastside’s school dance. When Stripper Wife doesn’t respond, T&T Girl mentions that she already volunteered to host the meeting, but she’ll just cancel. Backed into a corner, Stripper Wife finally agrees, as long as it doesn’t turn into a slumber party with baby doll nighties and pillow fights. No need to further tempt Small Town Loser by putting a sexual fantasy in the middle of his living room. T&T Girl throws in a generous compliment for good measure, promising that the meeting will only be a few hours.
Dicks in profile. A damn good piece of casting, down to the Jay Leno chins.
Lil Dick arrives back in Dillon, and Booster Dick is driving him back from the airport. Booster Dick awkwardly asks about the flight and the in flight movie. Lil Dick responds, but it’s clear that they’re uncomfortable around each other. Booster Dick suggests getting something to eat, but Lil Dick isn’t hungry. Instead, they’ll stop by the grocery store to pick up some stuff that Lil Dick likes. Lil Dick is ok with whatever, as long as it’s not Seitan (wheat gluten). Hippie Stepdad orgasms over the stuff, but it’s gross. He calls it nature’s meat, and Booster Dick makes a funny, saying nature already has meat. They’re called COWS. <cricket, cricket> At that moment, they drive past Booster Dick’s failed car dealership, and Lil Dick takes the opportunity to bust on dad, saying he can’t get anything right in his life. It’s not far from the truth, what with the failed marriage, failed business, losing Layla’s college fund, getting shunned from the Panthers…
On the field, what appears to be a normal practice quickly reveals itself to be the sports equivalent to an big time audition. And he’s killing it hardcore. GO HAYSEED!!!
Hayseed Hottie breaking off a big run
And pulling down a sweet reception
Coach Father Figure starts to come through on his promise from last season, to get him recruited for college ball. He introduces him to a coach from over at TMU, where Smash Williams ended up two years ago. Too bad he didn’t show up to see his old coach and mentor. He must have been busy filming his bit part in Salt with Angelina Jolie or getting kicked by my BFF in the Atlantic Ocean. The TMU recruiter is impressed with Hayseed Hottie, commenting on how he goes both ways. Of course, my thoughts go right into the gutter, but he means playing both offense and defense. They want him to come to campus for a visit, and Hayseed Hottie is pumped that his dream of escaping Green Acres is about to come true.
Over in the stands, Deadbeat Dad is taking in the practice, cheering on his son. Coach Father Figure calls Blind Side Lite over, asking who that is, as if he can’t add two plus two. Yeah, it’s his dad, and Coach wants Blind Side Lite to introduce them after practice.
That guy in the stands… he ain’t a sex offender is he?
Blind Side Lite pulls no punches, refusing the request and immediately getting back to practice. Guess the afterglow of last week’s tearful father/son moment has already been forgotten.
Back from commercial, we get a few desolate shots of the high school as T&T Girl tells us that it’s a bye week and advertises the school dance over the PA system. That about sums up the interest there’s sure to be about a dance in the ghetto. As evidenced by the beer bong blowout that became a viral video sensation, the kids of Eastside don’t need a lame school dance with oatmeal cookies and cherry Kool-Aid to keep themselves entertained. But T&T Girl is certainly excited about it. Meanwhile, Booster Dick brings Lil Dick in to enroll him in class. He immediately says WTF! “Does mom know you’re sending me to the ghetto school?” It’s all part of his plan to beat some send into your punk ass. Also because Booster Dick is now persona non grata on the rich side of town. He remarks that the place looks like an insane asylum, asking if they give shock treatments there. I suspect Booster Dick wouldn’t mind strapping the smartass up to a few electrodes and sending a few hundred volts of electricity through him. That might be the quick way to straighten him out. Tami-Joe Clark greets them in the hallway, marveling at how big Lil Dick has grown. After turning down her offer to escort him to class, Lil Dick heads off down the hallway walking straight towards an exit and probably right out the doors.
It’s your first day of school. People might notice you’re missing.
Gratuitous Semi-Naked Pic of the Week: Chubby Chaser Edition
Over in the locker room, the players are lifting and engaging in some fairly tame locker room razzing. QB Princess is in there doing some laundry and the boys direct some snappy insults her way. She takes it in stride and sends a few zingers back, handling herself quite admirably.
My penis is calling. Hold Please.
Blind Side Lite, however, gets all protective, stepping up in the face of one of the jokesters. QB Princess tries to get him to shrug it off, but he won’t back down. She drags him outside, yelling at him to let her do her job. She can take care of herself and his behavior is making things worse. Case in point, Coach Father Figure pulls them into his office for a stern talking to, making it clear that their relationship ends when they’re in uniform. They continue to argue until Coach loses his temper and puts an end to it. He tells Blind Side Lite to deal with QB Princess being the equipment manager, and because he has to say something to QB Princess, tells her to do her job (which she’s doing). Coach Father Figure kicks them out and QB Princess biffs Blind Side Lite upside the head on her way out.
Domestic Violence: Not just for women anymore
The Party Planning Committee convenes at the Riggins home. T&T Girl is showcasing her pageant background, throwing out such a clichéd party theme ideas as Awesome 80′s and Under the Sea. The chair of the committee, doing her best impression of Angela from The Office, completely disregards her, throwing out her own idea of Texas Luau. A voice vote is quickly called and before T&T Girl can object, the luau theme passes.
Everyone who thinks T&T Girl is annoying, raise your hand!
Stripper Wife comes into the room with a phone call for her, and T&T Girl is so distracted that she forgets she’s avoiding her dad’s phone calls. He immediately starts in on her for running out on White Trash Wifey and not returning his calls. T&T Girl shoots back that White Trash Wifey doesn’t give two shits about her. Dirt Road Trucker doesn’t want to hear it. He’s getting back from the road trip tomorrow and he wants her home. She doesn’t want to go back, but he insists. Her spirit deflates as she has no choice but to give in. She tells Stripper Wife that she’ll be happy to know that the freeloading jailbait temptress will soon be out of her hen house.
Tami-Joe Clark settles in for a surprisingly populated session of Homework Club. She’s checking on the shortbus kids including Chica Precious, who needs help with Math. A particularly special boy with a death wish disses Chica, and like poking a bee hive with a stick, she strikes out angrily. Except instead of a stinger, she attacks with her textbook. It takes two teachers and Tami- Joe Clark to pry Chica Precious off the dumbass.
Death by Textbook
Booster Dick goes to open his bar later that day. He walks in to find broken glass strewn about and tables and chairs overturned. He immediately thinks he’s being robbed, grabbing a baseball bat and calling out to the mysterious perps that clearly would have stuck around for the confrontation. Oh wait… the perp IS still there, only he’s not robbing the place so much as raiding dad’s considerable liquor cabinet. Lil Dick clearly skipped school, found the key, and let himself in for a late morning bender. Guess he hasn’t made any pot connections yet in Dillon. I suspect he’d have better luck in the hallways at school than in an empty ghetto bar, but that’s just me. What do I know?
You might want to wait until your kid is conscious before you start lecturing him.
Booster Dick starts lecturing him about responsibility, and this isn’t how it’s gonna be, and you need to grow up and blah blah blah. It all doesn’t amount to a hill of beans because Lil Dick starts to wretch, and Booster Dick grabs a trash can for him to vomit into.
Blind Side Lite gets home from practice to find Not Sandra Bullock playing dress-up in front of the mirror. She marvels over how long it’s been since she was able to fit in the dress. Initially, the way she’s fidgeting over how she looks, I wonder if she’s high again. And let’s be honest, she used to be addicted to crack. Chances are good that she’s always been able to fit in the dress, unless she’s had to put on weight in order to fit into it again. But then she says that Deadbeat Dad is taking her out to dinner, and she’s left a meatloaf for Blind Side Lite to reheat. Awww, she’s nervous! It’s sweet, and even Blind Side Lite can’t bring himself to spoil her excitement. His hesitation makes her self-conscious, and she says she probably looks ridiculous. He tells her that she looks beautiful and to be careful, giving her a great big supportive hug.
People might take you more seriously if you weren’t wearing a 6-year-old’s barrette.
The next day, Principal Downtrodden pretends he’s Judge Joe Brown and delivers Chica Precious’ sentence—1 day suspension for fighting. Chica Precious leaves, and Tami-Joe Clark, in true guidance councilor fashion, goes on a diatribe about the idiocy of punishing at-risk students by sending them home, which is exactly what they want in the first place. They can’t be saved if they aren’t in school to be saved. In true administrator fashion, Principal Downtrodden says that he’s been mandated to cut his budget by 25%. He’s got bigger fish to fry, like saving your job, Tami-Joe Clark. He can’t be worried about all the riff-raff falling through the Grand Canyon sized cracks in their system.
T&T Girl sits on the floor working on a poster for the dance when Stripper Wife storms in the house. “Judge my ass!” she exclaims. “What’s wrong with my ass?” Um… it’s flabby and dimply from cellulite/post baby weight? I don’t know, I don’t make it a habit of checking out female backside. Maybe a straight male reader could provide a more accurate evaluation in the comments?
NSFW? Ass Double? Discuss.
Apparently, the Landing Strip isn’t impressed with how hard she’s worked to get back into shape. They only offered her an afternoon shift! How degrading! All those degenerate losers drooling over naked gyrating girls flashing snatch while chowing down on the breakfast buffet. Personally, given the timeframe of the show, I estimate she’s been on “maternity leave” for 9 months now. And given the industry she works in, she must have had to stop shaking her ass for dollar bills maybe 5 months earlier when she started getting fat. My guess, she needs the work, so take what you can get.
Unemployment is running out sweetie. Time to get back up on stage, even if it’s for the perverts who tip in pocket change and food stamps.
T&T Girl convincingly feigns outrage over this apparent insult to Stripper Wife, encouraging her to negotiate because she looks AMAZING. Agree to an afternoon shift in exchange for a weekend night. Stripper Wife’s confidence is bolstered here. She has regulars, after all. Sweetie, your regulars have long since forgotten about you and moved on to ogle any number of younger, tighter vaginas in the club. But the tactic worked out for T&T Girl. When she asks for a ride back to the trailer park, Stripper Wife agrees.
We check in with Princess Angst next. She’s sitting outside enjoying a latte over some homework when TA Tweed Jacket finds her and takes a seat next to her, uninvited. He asks her if she wants to do something with him tomorrow, and I roll my eyes. Seriously, what could you possibly want to do? Play Scrabble? Discuss current events? No, you want a booty call, jerkoff. Princess Angst declines, saying she has a date. Nice one, dumbass. Use the one excuse that’s gonna get him jealous and keep him hovering. Might I remind you that he has control of your grade? TA Tweed Jacket’s response—Good! He’s either relieved that she hasn’t fallen in love with him or he’s trying to use reverse psychology. Either way, Princess Angst is put off by his seeming indifference. TA Tweed Jacket hopes she has a good time and walks off, leaving Princess Angst behind looking confused, disappointed and possibly constipated.
Another afternoon of practice, and another visit from Deadbeat Dad. Doesn’t he have to get a job to stay on parole? And didn’t Blind Side Lite tell him to stay away from school? Ignoring your kid’s wishes is a great way to get back into his good graces. Clearly, Blind Side Lite isn’t comfortable with his presence, because he foregoes a hydration break, grabbing Sunshine 2.0 to catch some more passes. Hey, maybe he wanted to get a drink of water? Meanwhile, Coach Father Figure notices the interaction, and asks one of the other unemployed spectators about Deadbeat Dad. The dude informs Coach that he was busted for aggravated assault, and he used to be the baddest drug dealer/mofo in town. Coach is concerned, but the dude is quick to say that people can change. Deadbeat Dad, getting the hint that his presence isn’t appreciated, walks off.
A known drug dealer hanging around a high school. Cause for concern? Story at 11.
That night, Coach Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark are discussing the plight of Chica Precious over dinner. Tami-Joe Clark is trying to teach herself basic algebra so that she can, in turn, teach Chica Precious at Homework Club. Coach points out that the teacher’s manual has the answers and she just needs to fill in the middle. Homework Club doesn’t have a math teacher yet, and she needs to understand it if she’s going to teach it to Chica Precious. Coach suggests calling Princess Angst, and Tami-Joe Clark jumps up excitedly to grab the phone. It’s a perfect excuse to call her daughter, but unfortunately, she doesn’t answer because she’s on her “date.” Or she’s just ignoring you.
Stripper Wife pulls up to Dirt Road Trucker’s double wide, and White Trash Wifey is sitting on the lawn smoking, drinking and anxiously awaiting a confrontation.
Stay Classy, East Dillon.
T&T Girl gets her suitcase out of the car and starts to walk inside. White Trash Wifey immediately starts in with “Don’t you got anything to say to me?” Hilariously, T&T Girl retorts, “Hey?” HAHAHA! White Trash Wifey isn’t amused, looking for an apology for running away. T&T Girl has no interest in apologizing, and the arguing quickly escalates in volume. Dirt Road Trucker comes out of the trailer to calm them down and get his daughter inside. T&T Girl wants stepmom to back off, but he has no interest in mediating. Stripper Wife comes to T&T Girl’s defense, asking if there’s a problem here. Dirt Road Trucker says no and grabs T&T Girl’s arm pulling her towards the house. For all the love and concern they show, T&T Girl might as well be an unwanted runaway puppy being returned to halfass owners. I half expect them to put a leash around her neck and tie her to a pole in the yard. Bad dog, bad bad dog!!!
Just pretend you’re in the strip club and a drunk loser just got too handsy.
At this point, Stripper Wife has seen enough and tells Dirt Road Trucker to get his hands off her, and White Trash Wifey to back the fuck off. I really love how Stripper Wife, of all people, looks shocked that there’s a family out there more white trash than her own. She fights them back like a lion tamer at the circus, telling T&T Girl to get in the truck. Stripper Wife drives off while T&T Girl bawls in the passenger seat. Brilliant scene right there.
We check in on the Red Storm as they are liftingweights in the locker room. Blind Side Lite asks Sunshine 2.0 who he’s taking to the dance, and he lays on the machismo a little too thick. He says it doesn’t matter who you take to the dance, but who you go home with. Notice he doesn’t use gender specific pronouns here. In walks Hayseed Hottie like he’s P. Diddy walking into the NAACP Image Awards.
Get at me, fellahs!
He asks everyone to guess where he’s going. Blind Side Lite guesses a Taylor Swift Concert? HAHA! Sunshine 2.0 guesses he’s going to make love to a farm animal? No, that’s Tinker, with Maribelle the Pig. Hayseed Hottie announces that he’s going to visit TMU and the recruitment office gave him 6 tickets for TMU/Longhorns (the nationally ranked University of Texas, for those who don’t know), on the 50 yard line, no less. That’s a big game, so it’s a pretty big deal. Hayseed Hottie takes in all the adulation and insults, letting his teammates know that he CAN be bribed. Um… I’ve got $100 burning a hole in my pocket… what are the odds he’ll get naked for me?
Tami-Joe Clark takes some instruction in the auditorium from another teacher on the rules of chaperoning a school dance. Interesting, since we learned earlier that Eastside hasn’t had a dance in a few decades. What is this, Footloose?
Maybe Principal Downtrodden can start by cutting the school dance budget
Looks like she’s volunteering to help out so that she can get others to volunteer for her Homework Club. Finally, she’s catching on! Coach Father Figure finds her, only to be told that she has to cancel their date night so that she can police the dance. But she found herself a math teacher, so it’s all good! Coach Father Figure is disappointed that he’ll have to copulate on his own now. But he takes it all in stride to be a supportive husband. He asks her to lunch and they head to his office for a quickie. Hopefully, it’s cleaner than the supply closet.
Again, it’s practice time for the Red Storm. Small Town Loser is fretting over Tinker’s ability to get his large ass in gear in time to stop the defensive line from breaking through to get to Blind Side Lite. Meanwhile, QB Princess is managing the equipment on the sidelines closely monitoring what’s going on on the field. When Small Town Loser comes over, she shares with him an observation that Tinker is constantly a half second behind. Apparently, he’s reacting to the snap count instead of the ball. Small Town Loser pretends that he’s not impressed, giving her a piece of trash to throw out, hoping to distract her from noticing how stupid he feels for not noticing this himself.
When a 17 year old girl knows more than you do about football, perhaps you should reconsider your career choice.
Booster Dick takes a hungover Lil Dick out for a piece of cow and some conversation about the classes that he hasn’t been attending. Lil Dick admits to going to his counseling session to admire Tami-Joe Clark’s ample bosom. Booster Dick admonishes him for being crude, encouraging him to focus on girls his own age at this dance tonight. Lil Dick calls it lame, but his dad points out that that’s where the girls are.
Speaking of family dinners and conversations about the school dance, we check in with the ghetto Cosby’s. Deadbeat Dad and Not Sandra Bullock reminisce about their school dance experience, when the borrowed car with the broken gas gauge broke down and they had to walk 4 miles to the school auditorium getting all sweaty from not having sex. Seems like a waste to me, but it was the best night of Deadbeat Dad’s life, or so he says as he tries to ingratiate himself into his son’s favor. Blind Side Lite, on the other hand, has no intention of giving in so easily. He announces the different memories he has, like having to take care of his strung out mother. Deadbeat Dad never wrote or called. Birthdays were missed.
Can’t we all just get along?
Deadbeat Dad fights to maintain his cool while Not Sandra Bullock fights to maintain her composure. Deadbeat Dad knows all about his shortcomings and everything that he missed while he was gone. He’s here now and he wants to make things better. Blind Side Lite, needing more than just empty words, says he’s just the same man he was when he got sent to jail. Not Sandra Bullock breaks down in tears while Deadbeat Dad thanks her for supper and makes a quick exit.
Be careful, Blind Side Lite. You’re about one spoiled family moment away from sending Not Sandra Bullock back to the crack pipe.
Back at the restaurant, Booster Dick commits the cardinal rule of keeping a problem child in check. He goes to drain the lizard, leaving Lil Dick alone to his own devices.
While you’re emptying your bladder, your son is out in your car emptying your bank account.
When he emerges from the bathroom, Lil Dick isn’t there and his credit card isn’t in with the bill. He grabs the waitress and asks if she took the card. She says she checked for it but didn’t see it. He asks if she saw Lil Dick and she says that he headed out the front. Panic sets in, and he says he’ll be right back. When he gets to the door, he’s too late. His SUV is pealing out of the parking lot, presumably driven by Lil Dick. Talk about going whole hog! Dining and ditching, swiping dad’s credit card, AND boosting the car! Perhaps he should have taken the ex-wife seriously when she said he was a handful.
Stripper Wife and Small Town Loser are at home while T&T Girl is outside arguing with her dad. Stripper Wife is telling him what all went down at the trailer park and what a loser Dirt Road Trucker is being. He hands T&T Girl a wad of cash while Stripper Wife narrates the scene from inside.
Here’s $40. Have a nice life.
Small Town Loser is confused at her sudden change of heart. Stripper Wife thinks they have to be her role models, and if he happens to walk in on T&T Girl in the shower, she’ll stab him in the face. He tries to go in for a kiss, and she denies him. T&T Girl comes back inside in tears, saying Dirt Road Trucker and White Trash Wifey are going back to Seattle if they don’t have to take care of her whiny ass. Stripper Wife says good riddance, and she can stay there. T&T Girl spouts a litany of things she’ll do to earn her keep (conveniently leaving out blow jobs for Small Town Loser). Stripper Wife tells her it’s gonna be ok, and gives her a hug.
A Stripper with a heart. There’s a Lifetime made for TV movie in here somewhere.
Up until now, Stripper Wife has been a mostly 2 dimensional character, but she’s grown quite nicely here. And it’s pretty amazing turning trashy whore into a viable mother-figure. Way to go, Stripper Wife actress!
Coach Father Figure picks up Booster Dick and they ride around the neighborhood looking for Lil Dick. Booster Dick says he just got back, so he doesn’t have any friends yet, and he doesn’t know his son yet, so he has no idea where might go. Booster Dicks talks about a conversation they had the other day about football. He had suggested Lil Dick go out for the team to meet some people, but Lil Dick went off about football being a stupid game (sound familiar?). Coach asks if Lil Dick can play, and Booster Dick responds that he’s a Garrity, so of course he can play. Football is in his blood, although it’s probably hiding underneath all the pot and alcohol coursing through his veins as well. Then Booster Dick says Lil Dick loves football… he just doesn’t know it yet. Did the writers just get lazy and steal the dialogue from the scene with Sunshine 2.0, or are they trying to tell us that Lil Dick is gonna be a football prodigy, like Sunshine? Only time will tell.
Meanwhile, the Eastside dance is in full swing, and all the ghetto kids are doing the Dougie out on the dance floor, decked out in their best Hawaiian wear. Even two of the chaperones are dancing while Tami-Joe Clark and Lazy Bitch Teacher make fun of them. Hayseed Hottie spies T&T Girl, in one of her old pageant costumes no doubt, doing the hula over by the stage and he approaches her. She compliments his shirt, and he tells her he got it at Good Will for 99 cents. Really dude, that’s your game? I wanna get in your pants something fierce, and even I’m cringing at your lameness here. T&T Girl, however, calls it a magical shirt and she’s impressed with the bargain. Seriously, I hope you disinfected that shirt about 10 times before you wore it.
He admits to trying to impress her, saying how pretty she is. She looks a little embarrassed, but she’s not running away, so that’s a good sign. He tells her about his recruitment trip down at TMU (way to step up your game, boy!), and then he leans in real close and tells her that she likes him and that he’s gonna take her out some time. NICE!!!!
Dude has some game after all. What’s the cliche? Leave em wanting more?
My knees are jello right now, and I’m sitting on the fucking couch. I don’t know how she’s even standing up anymore! Before he walks away, he says that he’s coming for her, and she’d better get ready. If I were her, I’d be making a beeline to the nurse’s office for some condoms. Confidence is sexy, and that whole exchange was HOT AS HELL!
Blind Side Lite and QB Princess are sitting off to the side in beach chairs making awkward conversation. She asks about his dad again, and he flat out says he doesn’t want to talk about it. She senses a tension in him and suggests they leave if that’s what he wants to do. Out of nowhere, Blind Side Lite comes out as says that he doesn’t want her working on the team anymore.
Trouble in Paradise?
He argues that he can’t concentrate on taking the team to STATE when he’s distracted having to defend her in the locker room. She tries to say that she can take care of herself when he says she’s making him look like a chump. And rightfully so, QB Princess goes OFF, calling him selfish, making all of this about him when she’s just doing this for her own future. I can’t tell if she’s gotten through him or not, but he slams the brakes on that conversation by saying she looks great tonight. Then he gets up and leaves. My guess, he’s still oblivious.
Outside, Chica Precious is arguing with the teacher who won’t let her into the dance because she’s with people who don’t have Eastside ID. Of course, Tami-Joe Clark notices the ruckus and goes to investigate. Chica Precious keeps trying to get into the dance, and Tami-Joe Clark points out that she’s suspended. Chica responds, saying she wouldn’t be suspended if Tami-Joe Clark hadn’t ratted her out (for a fight that happened in the presence of about a dozen other people?). Tami-Joe Clark lays down the law, telling them all to leave. When Chica Precious asks what her problem is, Tami-Joe Clark says she doesn’t have one. Chica Precious has the problem, and that problem is that she can’t seem to pay attention to the rules. Chica Precious storms off, tossing a totem pole and decorative palm tree in the process.
Add destruction of property to her list of offenses. Tami-Joe Clark’s crusade suffers two setbacks this week.
This whole scene is ridiculous because Chica Precious would NEVER go to the dance to begin with. I mean, really, am I wrong? What’s hilarious, however, is the teacher at the door calls her a demon from hell. HAHAHAHA!
Princess Angst is climbing up a set of steps in the dead of night. She knocks on a door, and she appears to be drunk off her ass. TA Tweed Jacket opens the door, and suddenly, Princess Angst is speechless. This is worse than a drunk dial. This is a drunk drop in. At least on the phone, you can hang up and wallow in your own shame without witnesses.
Hey! I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop by to see if you wanted a blow job… interested?
She starts to say something that vaguely sounds like it could be a break up or something of that nature, but her body language is saying, “Fuck me now, please.” TA Tweed Jacket shuts her up with his tongue, and he pulls her into the apartment while they kiss passionately. Girl, when are you ever going to learn?
Coach Father Figure and Booster Dick finally find Lil Dick coming out of a convenience store with a 6 pack of beer. Coach reminds him to take it easy, but Booster Dick is just about jumping out of the moving car. They pull up alongside him in the parking lot, and Booster Dick yells at him to get over here. Doing his best Hawaii Five-0 bad guy impression, he immediately starts running. Booster Dick runs after him, and he’s pretty fast for an old fat guy. When Lil Dick tries to scale a wooden fence to get away, Booster Dick catches up to him and throws him down on the floor.
Not quite the patented McG flying takedown, but the result is the same. Except for the emotional father/son moment. And the decided lack of Hotness.
Lil Dick asks “Who are you?” Booster Dick responds, “I am BATMAN!” HAHAHA! Kidding! He yells at him, “I’m your DAD.” Then he roughly pats Lil Dick’s head while straddling him on the ground, asking, “How can I help you son?” As if he just said EXPECTO PATRONUM and waved an authentic wand from Olivander’s, Lil Dick’s heart melts, and you just know he’s gonna change his ways.
Deadbeat Dad returns to his apartment in the ghetto, complete with 70’s style beaded curtain, to find it being raided by his son. Blind Side Lite is emptying drawers, turning over couch cushions, shaking the mattress.
The only things you’re likely to find in that mattress are bed bugs and used condoms.
He says he’s just checking, but doesn’t elaborate when Deadbeat Dad asks. He sits down and lets Blind Side Lite do his thing, though. We all know he’s checking for drugs, and who can really blame him. Finally, Blind Side Lite makes him swear that he’s done with the drugs and promise that he won’t let Not Sandra Bullock touch them ever again. Deadbeat Dad gets up, puts his hands on his son’s shoulders and in a very touching moment, he delivers on both. And for Blind Side Lite’s sake, I hope he comes through.
Sepia tones heighten the emotion impact, don’t they?
On his way out the door, he tells his dad his birthday, which incidentally, should be coming up very soon. He should have just come right out and asked for an Xbox 360. I’m sure he knows a guy who can get one off the back of a truck.
Over in the Red Storm Locker Room, the coaches are strategizing while QB Princess listens on while folding towels. Old Assistant Coach frets over the problem with Tinker, and Small Town Loser jumps in with QB Princess’ observation from before.
Honestly, Coach. I came up with that on my own. I know what I’m doing, really!
Coach considers this for a second, and then acknowledges it as a good catch. Small Town Loser gets all proud and shit, as if he came up with it on his own, failing to disclose the source of his information. Meanwhile, QB Princess gets this look of joy on her face, too caught up in the validation of her abilities to recognize that she just got ripped off. I guess the glass ceiling in high school football is capped at doing laundry. As Coach is leaving for a tryout, he asks how she’s doing, and she says she’s doing great. Except you’ve just been robbed of your intellect. First time that’s been stolen in the ghetto.
Out on the empty field, Booster Dick is tossing the pigskin with Lil Dick, who is suited up in pads. Coach Father Figure asks him a few questions to gauge the depth of his (lack of) knowledge of football. Booster Dick steps in to say that his son is a fast learner and a hard worker. And Lil Dick is magically respectful and behaving as Coach sends him out to run a 40. I think he just needed a little discipline. I don’t know why parents nowadays are afraid to discipline their kids. A little fear goes a long way.
There’s no escaping football deep in the heart of Texas.
And finally, we end the episode with a montage over subdued but inspirational music. All is hunky dory in the Riggins household as T&T Girl and Stripper Wife kick Small Town Loser’s ass in Boggle and we’re reminded of T&T Girl’s feelings for Texas Forever as she looks fondly over at a picture of him in his Panther uniform. I can’t really tell if she’s still pining over him or if she’s finally getting over it, given her obvious interest in Hayseed Hottie. And speaking of, he walks out onto the TMU field with Tinker, Sunshine 2.0, Blind Side Lite, and two other random Red Storm players. He’s dressed to impress in suit and tie, clearly loving every minute of this recruitment visit.
Dressed to impress, and I’m certainly impressed. I’ve got the boner to prove it.
They tour the locker room and the weight room, and one of the coaches hands over the game tickets on field passes. And just as they’re leaving, a coach grabs Blind Side Lite and directs him to the Head Coach’s office, where the entire football staff is assembled. His own look of joy comes over his face as the office door closes.
Is there anyone left in the TMU Athletic Dept. to recruit Hayseed Hottie? I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
So that’s it for this week, my friends. Not much really happened, except for a whole lot of set up for the future. Will Hayseed Hottie and T&T Girl get together or is she still holding a torch for Texas Forever? Will the locker room situation tear apart QB Princess and Blind Side Lite? Will Hayseed Hottie and Blind Side Lite end up playing college ball together at TMU? Will Deadbeat Dad be able to follow through on his promises? Will Lil Dick become a football hero? Will Sunshine 2.0 come out of the closet? Share your thoughts in the comments, but please, no spoilers if you’ve already seen the season on DirecTV. Next week, Princess Angst gets slapped and Hayseed Hottie walks on fire. Should be good!