Remember when you could go to a party in the woods behind the high school or at the house of a rich kid whose parents were never home, and you could get piss drunk or high as a kite, engage in various sex acts, vomit in peace, and sneak home without anyone being the wiser? I do too, but unfortunately, those days are gone. With the advent of smart phones and social media websites, anyone can record your most embarrassing moments participating in illicit activities and share them with the world within minutes. Your parents find out and you get punished. Your school finds out and you get expelled. Your employer finds out and you get fired. And suddenly, your life is ruined because some idiot thought it would be a hoot to post the picture/video they took of you funneling a beer with a joint in your hand and a cock in your ass (or vagina if you’re female).
This week, we get to see the repercussions of the public park beer bash as video of the debauchery hits the interwebs. Dick and Maiden heads are about to roll.
But before the video goes viral, the East Dillon faithful celebrate a Red Storm victory that we don’t get to see because the production budget can’t afford to film more fake game footage. All the happy ghetto dwellers stream into Booster Dick’s new bar for its grand opening. Coach Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark toast their respective victories. Hayseed Hottie stares longingly (and jealously) through the window at Toddlers and Tiaras Girl hanging out with a bunch of kids outside. Small Town Loser and Stripper Wife enjoy a rare night out (unless their kid is under the table sleeping in his car seat). Blind Side Lite, QB Princess, Tinker and a bunch of other players watch a video of the game on a not-so-big screen, going nuts over a replay of what appears to be a defensive touchdown by Tinker. He runs down the field huffing and puffing like I get when I’m prairie-dogging it and I need to get to the toilet ASAP.
Booster Dick gets on the microphone to congratulate the Lions on their 2-0 start. He calls Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark up to a showcase where the game balls will be displayed after every win. It’s slightly premature considering they’re only in their 2nd season, but for dramatic purposes, it heightens the drama. It looks like they squeaked out another victory since that night’s game ball lets us know the score was 31-24. However, the props department earns a huge FAIL. The other game ball reads 22-21, when the actual score was 29-28. Someone should get fired, but since production has wrapped on this bitch months ago, it’s a moot point.
The proof is on the pigskin. FAIL!
Following Booster Dick’s after party (which would have sucked if they lost), Blind Side Lite gets home to find Not Sandra Bullock vacuuming. She congratulates him on the win, and Blind Side Lite asks what’s up with the late night spring cleaning. She lets him know that Deadbeat Dad is getting paroled tomorrow.
And when were you gonna tell me? When I walked in on the two of you bumping uglies?
Blind Side Lite looks all sorts of pissed, asking where he’s gonna live and what he’s gonna do. She claims to not know, but she wants Blind Side Lite to go with her to pick him up from the clink. Fresh off caring for her crack addicted ass and resorting to crime to fund her rehab, he has no interest in welcoming Deadbeat Dad home. He basically barks, “Fuck No!” at her and storms off to bed.
FaceSpace? MyTube? YouBook?
Suddenly, it’s Monday morning and Coach Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark are in Principal Downtrodden’s office viewing an online video entitled “Drunk Puppet Girl.” And here is where shit hits the fan. Principal Downtrodden lists off all the major Red Storm players who appear in the video, saying it’s gotten 2000 hits and he’s fielding just as many phone calls from angry parents who want the players expelled. It’s ridiculous that the football team is targeted here since there were dozens of other kids clearly identifiable, but apparently, the party was a rally girl initiation (add hazing to the list of badness here), so it kinda makes sense. The cynical person in me immediately suspects our dear friend AssHat McCoy Jr. and the pricks over at the Evil Empire in Blue. Clearly, there’s a vast statewide conspiracy against Coach Father Figure and the overachieving Red Storm, given the recent actions of the TX Athletic Commission. Not so much of a stretch, now is it? Principal Downtrodden wants to bow to public pressure, but Coach Father Figure promises to get to the bottom of it and manages to get a stay of execution for the football team, but not before Principal Downtrodden makes sure that Coach owes him one in return.
Out in the hallway, Coach Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark lament the sad state of affairs with today’s youth. Coach says he’ll talk to his players and straighten things out, while Tami-Joe Clark will deal with the girls. Coach Father Figure says that they didn’t do any of this crap when they were kids, and Tami-Joe Clark gets a look on her face that says, “Well…. Actually….”
The look of a self-realizing hypocrite
They both seem to flashback to when they were teenagers in the 70’s/80’s (not exactly sure how the timing works out with them), and they surely had wild parties with alcohol, drugs, and sex. I think they mean that they didn’t have to worry about people finding out about the shit they pulled. Damn those gosh-darn cell phone contraptions. It’s hard to turn a blind eye when video and photographic proof gets published on the web for anyone to see. Just ask Paris Hilton, Michael Phelps, Eric Dane, etc.
Meanwhile, Princess Angst finally joins a study group for her history class, and TA Tweed Jacket is wrapping up a review session. He gives her a C- on her first paper. OUCH! And HAHAHA! Guess flirting with the TA got you nowhere. You should have listened to me about dropping the class, dumbass. When he mentions his office hours, you know that she’s gonna go and complain.
Must be short for See Ya After Class
Time for an exposition break. Back at East Dillon, Blind Side Lite and QB Princess work their way through the lunch line discussing the imminent return of Deadbeat Dad, who’s been in lock-up for 5 years now. I wonder if he knows Texas Forever? Blind Side Lite blames his dad for Not Sandra Bullock’s drug problems and he doesn’t know how he feels about him coming home. QB Princess plays devil’s advocate, pointing out that maybe people can change. Just look at how far Blind Side Lite has come in the last year—juvenile delinquent thug to upstanding role model and college recruit. Blind Side Lite agrees, but he didn’t go to jail. Looks like he’s missing the entire point of the Corrections system in this country, rehabilitation and all.
Next, we check in with Booster Dick in the parking lot of his bar on the phone with the ex-wife. She’s informing him that they’re son has been getting in trouble, acting out, and <GASP> smoking marijuana. She’s at her wits end and nothing seems to be working with Lil’ Dick. Booster Dick tries to explain it away as a phase that he’ll grow out of eventually, but she insists that he’s in real trouble. Booster Dick rightly throws in her face that she was the one who moved the kids away and kept him out of the picture. And now that she’s facing a problem, she’s calling on him to go out there and lay the smackdown on their pot smoking kid. Booster Dick cuts the call short, promising to take care of it. My solution—send the kid over to Tami-Joe Clark and her STARY crusade. She’ll whip him into shape.
Speaking of, Vagina George has been called into Tami-Joe Clark’s office to talk about her starring role in the Viral Video of the Day. When asked about what she thinks of the video, Vagina George blows it off, saying she wasn’t the one who put it on the interwebs. Tami-Joe Clark misses the point by thinking that Vagina George is missing the point. Except, Vagina George makes a very good point, seeing as how she wouldn’t be getting guidance right now if the video hadn’t been posted because no one would know about it.
What? It’s not like anyone thought I wasn’t a whore before this all happened!
Tami-Joe Clark focuses on the content of the video, asking if it bothers her that she let “those boys” do “that” to you. Vagina George doesn’t care, because it was just a party. Haven’t you ever been to a party, Tami-Joe Clark? Her response is yes. Partying is more fun when you’re awake and don’t get date raped and end up on Maury Povich for a game of “Who’s the Daddy?”
Various positions from when they all took turns at Vagina George’s drunk ass
On the football field, Coach Father Figure is running crazy drills with the team as punishment for the party. He brings up the video to them, saying everyone’s seen it, including that girl’s parents, church members and classmates. First of all, I doubt Vagina George goes to church, unless she’s screwing the preacher. Second of all, all her classmates were at the party to witness her getting date raped. They didn’t need to see the video. And finally, this can’t be the first time her parents are taking Vagina George to the Planned Parenthood clinic for the morning after pill and an STD test. He brings the team in for a discussion about “Our Standards.” Acting like thugs reflects on the whole team, and Coach Father Figure is having enough problems trying to legitimize their season without his players adding fuel to the fire.
Blind Side Lite and Hayseed Hottie points out that the whole school was at the party, not just the football players. Coach calls them dumb, asking if anyone doesn’t know what “Our Standard” entails. No one raises their hand, and Coach doesn’t explain. He only makes them a promise that anyone who doesn’t live up to “Our Standard” will be off the team. So we’re left to assume that “Our Standard” means don’t get videotaped drinking at a party and taking advantage of girls.
Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’
After practice, Blind Side Lite returns to the projects to find Not Sandra Bullock and Deadbeat Dad chumming it up while preparing a family dinner. He puts his anger in check and walks in. Deadbeat Dad is excited to see his son, but Blind Side Lite clearly doesn’t return the sentiment. Deadbeat Dad goes in for a bro-hug, but Blind Side Lite puts his hand out for a shake instead and walks around him looking him up and down. Not Sandra Bullock tries to break the tension by talking about the meal she’s prepared. But when Blind Side Lite spies the suitcase on the couch, he’s all like WTF! Deadbeat Dad didn’t know that Not Sandra Bullock didn’t tell him that he would be crashing there, and Blind Side Lite gets all butt hurt and storms out, ruining the Cosby moment.
Guess there won’t be any Jello brand pudding pops for them tonight.
The next day, the girls of East Dillon are forced to endure an alcohol awareness lecture given by a boring old white lady. No one’s listening as we hear phones beeping with texts and various girls, including Vagina George eye-rolling and snickering.
Should have gotten Lindsay Lohan to speak out against the dangers of underage drinking… oh wait….
Tami-Joe Clark sees it all happening, and finally interrupts. She goes on a major tirade about how they need to put the cell phones away and start paying attention. It’s SAD to see a GIRL throwing up her guts and being passed around at a party like a rag doll. T&T Girl and QB Princess appear sufficiently embarrassed, but Vagina George full on laughs, and Tami-Joe Clark snaps. As she continues her lecture, a random black girl comments, “BORING,” eliciting more laughs, and Tami-Joe Clark kicks her disrespectful ass out.
Beware the Wrath of Tami-Joe Clark. Remember when she slapped Princess Angst back in season 2? LOVED IT!
Finally, she ends her rant by saying they should listen because pretty soon, they’ll have to start taking care of themselves. Unless they can somehow find a sugar daddy in the ghettos of Dillon.
After Coach Father Figure’s lecture, something tells me this behavior doesn’t fall under the umbrella of living up to “Our Standards”
Back at another day of practice, some of the football players are acting out the Drunk Puppet Girl video, with everyone else standing around laughing. Dumb move considering the coaches are standing about 50 feet away. Coach Father Figure finally sees what’s going on and snaps himself. He’s a man of his word, and promptly kicks the two jokesters off the team. Since they’re just extras from central casting, I doubt it’ll affect their chances at state. As evidenced by the random looks of “Oh, Shit!,” the team is sufficiently warned that Coach means business.
We now interrupt our regularly scheduled storyline to update y’all on Princess Angst’s panic over her bad grade. True to form, she attends TA Tweed Jacket’s office hours to defend her paper. When she asks what’s wrong with it, TA Tweed Jacket says there’s nothing wrong with it, but since he’s gotten to know her, he thinks she’s smarter than what she showed in the paper. He calls her a timid little freshman and says that she needs to be more adventurous and take some chances. Princess Angst incredulously asks, “so that’s what college is for?”
Funny, I thought it was for raging frat parties and experimenting with lesbianism.
She must be picking up on the subtext here, because I think the bad grade was to get Princess Angst to seek him out for some extra credit, if you know what I mean. In this case, extra credit comes in the form of an invitation to one of the professor’s “salons” for promising students. Because a C- indicates that she’s a promising student? More likely, she’s a promising sexual conquest.
Back in Dillon, the assembly is wrapping up, and Tami-Joe Clark checks in with QB Princess. QB Princess apologizes for her teenage female counterparts, saying that if it means anything, she was listening. Tami-Joe Clark thanks her, but QB Princess goes on to say that she understands the rally girls because everyone just wants to feel like they’re a part of the team. Yeah, if that part happens to be the penis. Tami-Joe Clark sees an opportunity to help QB Princess, mentioning that Coach Father Figure is looking for an equipment manager for the team, and would she be interested. QB Princess lights up like a Xmas tree at the idea. I would, too, if it would grant me access to the boy’s locker room. Tami-Joe Clark isn’t making any promises, but she’ll put in a good word with Coach Father Figure.
You mean I can go in the boys’ shower AND wash their dirty jock straps?!?!
Again at practice, Coach Father Figure pulls the team in and has them take a knee. He scares them first by suggesting that maybe some more of them might deserve getting kicked out, but his point is clear. People are watching them and it’s just as important what they do off the field as it is on. He wipes the slate clean from here on out, and lays down some new ground rules. The players are to wear coats and ties now on game day, and they’re gonna be doing some community outreach.
I don’t think this is what Coach had in mind when he mandated community outreach, but isn’t Hayseed Hottie adorable?!?!?
Cut to the football team in coats and ties outside the local grocery store passing out flyers in support of the team. I’m not sure if they’re supposed to be raising money or what, but people aren’t being all that receptive. Looks like everyone has seen the video and their “Christian Values,” AKA JUDGEMENTALISM, have kicked in. Blind Side Lite sits by, letting everyone else do the heavy lifting, and before long, the players get bored and annoyed. One player, flirting with getting kicked off the team, lets Blind Side Lite know that he’s gonna bounce. He responds that he ain’t the Po-Leece, and do what you want. Malcolm X hears that from their team leader, along with just about everyone else, and leaves, too.
Plymouth Rock landed on us, and all that crap. I’m outta here!
Hayseed Hottie recognizes danger and tries to get Blind Side Lite to get people back. Instead, he gives up too and heads out, taking off his coat in defiance. Tinker, Sunshine 2.0, and Hayseed Hottie are all that’s left of this failed experiment. Coach Father Figure won’t be pleased.
Over at Booster Dick’s bar, he treats Coach Father Figure to a late afternoon beer so that he can unload his personal problems and get some advice. He expends an awful lot of energy slamming his ex-wife about marrying the hippie and moving the kids 1,500 miles away. And now that she’s having problems with Buddy Jr., suddenly she’s calling him every fifteen minutes expecting him to fix things. What’s a cheating baby daddy supposed to do? He takes a moment to silently acknowledge his role in his fucked up family situation, but he maintains that he always wanted to be a father to his kids.
All I wanted was a free beer. What do I look like, Dr. Phil?
Finally, Coach Father Figure has had enough of his self indulgent bullshit and writes him a million dollar reality check. It’s not about him, or about his whiny ex-wife. Being a father isn’t easy (and some are better at it than others) and his kid is in trouble. In other words, MAN UP and save your kid from the dangers of smoking pot!
The next morning, Coach Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark discuss the merits of nurturing QB Princess’ interest in football by making her the team’s equipment manager, versus the dangers of allowing a female in the locker room. Coach Father Figure is adamantly against it until Tami-Joe Clark lays on the guilt trip by saying they need to follow through and show these kids that they believe in them. Save the preaching for Sunday or your next faculty meeting, Tami-Joe Clark. And when all else fails, get the moderately cute 2 year old to back you up. Way to use your husband’s love for his baby daughter against him.
Cute kid, but she’s got the same grill as that screaming banshee over on Amercial Idol
Out on the field, Blind Side Lite is running wind sprints shirtless in the hot Texas sun. QB Princess is timing him in between flapping her lips about the possibility of working with the team. She’s clearly excited, and Blind Side Lite clearly isn’t interested. She asks him if he’s talked to his dad, and he lies, saying yes. When she asks how it went, he half shrugs, half blows her off as he heads off on another sprint. Girl, just shut the fuck up and enjoy the view. Your man is RIPPED and SWEATY! YUM!
Gratuitous Semi-Naked Pic of the Week
Checking in with Princess Angst, she’s decided to attend the history department “salon.” Can you say BORING AS FUCK?!?!?! She rolls her eyes and silently judges the pretentious students discussing history like they’re actually interested and not trying to brown nose their professors.
I’m too good for these toolbags. I’m taking my glass of wine and C- and going home.
I don’t blame her, because I’d be doing the same thing, including taking full advantage of the open bar, as well. I guess no one cares that she’s clearly underage. She goes inside to pour herself a huge ass glass of chardonnay, when she overhears some woman raving about TA Tweed Jacket’s brilliant wife, who’s away on sabbatical. Talk about major buzz kill. Sleeping her way to an A just got a little bit more complicated. But it doesn’t become more difficult, based on the looks they give each other while guzzling wine. Yeah, getting drunk at this point is a real good idea. You just know something bad is gonna happen.
This isn’t Cougar Town, Princess Angst. Go easy on the wine.
Meanwhile, QB Princess is all suited up in her polo and team cap taking instruction from Small Town Loser on the importance of keeping shit clean in a locker room as they stand over a bin of dirty jock straps. Why didn’t I ever think of volunteering to be equipment manager back in high school? Oh right, because I was deep in the closet and attending a private catholic high school. Anyway, the team comes in from practice, and Small Town Loser introduces her to the team. He expects them to give her the same respect that they show him, and one player hilariously jokes, “You mean, NONE!” HAHAHAHA!!! Because he wasn’t paying attention to her earlier, Blind Side Lite is caught by surprise by her presence in the locker room. He tries to tell her that he doesn’t think it’s such a good idea, but she ignores him. She’s too excited (and it’s awesome to see her happy), and tells Blind Side Lite to undress so that she can start washing the uniforms. After she walks away, one of the other players teases Blind Side Lite. Yeah, this isn’t gonna end well either.
BEST. JOB. EVER.
Tami-Joe Clark heads down the hallway, stopping at the supply closet for a ream of paper and a red Swingline stapler when discovers Vagina George having sex with a random boy on a bunch of boxes.
Tami-Joe Clark has a knack for walking in kids breaking the rules, doesn’t she? BUSTED!
She quips, “Fancy meeting you here!” and we cut to the two of them chatting in an empty classroom where she points out how romantic it is to fuck among dirty mops, dust, and rat droppings. HAHAHAHA!!! Not to mention the crabs hanging off of random boy’s pubes. Tami-Joe Clark breaks out more after-school-special lecturing, saying that she is building quite the reputation for herself. Everyone is gonna be talking about her, and not in a good way, including college admissions officers. This is where she can take control of her life and her future. Vagina George looks sufficiently embarrassed, either because she’s miraculously gotten the message, or because she’s just queefed as an after affect of vaginal intercourse.
After practice, Blind Side Lite is walking the streets of the ghetto when Deadbeat Dad pulls up in a “borrowed” car. He’s gotta get it back before midnight, otherwise it turns into a paddy wagon. Hey, Deadbeat Dad, leave the jokes to those of us recappers who aren’t getting paid for it. Like me, Blind Side Lite isn’t amused. Deadbeat Dad went to the high school to get tickets for his game, and Blind Side Lite snaps that he doesn’t want him creepin’ around school looking for him. Blind Side Lite starts to walk off, and Deadbeat Dad tries to get him in the car by promising candy and ice cream, but that only works on unsuspecting 6-year-olds. Actually, he wants to pick up Not Sandra Bullock to go to Ray’s BBQ for some Cosby time. Blind Side Lite walks off, saying he’ll be a’ight. He can eat there for free whenever he wants anyway.
Princess Angst and TA Tweed Jacket, having killed all the wine at the salon, have left for a walk in the park. TA Tweed Jacket is lamenting the sad state of affairs in his marriage. With his wife gone, he doesn’t feel like he’s married. Translation: he’s lonely and horny from not getting laid. Princess Angst asks if that’s why he doesn’t wear his wedding ring, so that he can bang unsuspecting college freshmen girls?
The awkward silence is him confirming her suspicion. She apologizes, since this is all none of her business, but TA Tweed Jacket feels liberated talking about it with her. How is he supposed to work on his marriage when the wife isn’t even around? That’s it, put all the blame on her. The fact that you’re seducing an 18 year old girl has NOTHING to do with the “issues” in your marriage. He blames it all on the alcohol, clearly providing a convenient excuse for their current and future actions. Princess Angst promises to keep quiet, and TA Tweed Jacket fires off more seduction clichés. In another world, or another time, he’d be with her. She’s a wonderful girl and he feels comfortable with her. Damn girl, WAKE THE FUCK UP! Finally, he says that he’s gonna go before he gets himself into more trouble, but he just stands there. And like the sucker that she is, Princess Angst reminds him about what he said about taking chances and kisses him. Like a moth to a fucking towering inferno.
OH SHIT! After commercial, we see Princess Angst waking up in bed next to TA Tweed Jacket. Immediately, she regrets what she did. She puts her pants on under the covers and slinks out of the bed.
Have fun trying to explain to everyone who you just had sex with
She makes a loud noise unlocking the door as she tries to sneak out, but we don’t know if that wakes up TA Tweed Jacket. She looks over her shoulder as she heads out the door and embarks on her first Walk of Shame ™ back to the dorms. Guess her roommate isn’t the only slut at Random TX College.
Blind Side Lite is eating cereal at the counter while Not Sandra Bullock walks in the kitchen behind him and Deadbeat Dad lounges at the table reading the paper. He’s probably looking up the horse races or the betting lines for the NBA. He tells Blind Side Lite that his tie is too long, and Blind Side Lite sarcastically shoots back about him taking a tie class in the joint. HAHAHAHA!!! That’s what he was doing the past few years. Deadbeat Dad starts to get fed up with all the lip he’s getting from Blind Side Lite, telling his son to let him have it. Not Sandra Bullock tries to calm everyone down, but Blind Side Lite lets it out. They’ve been fine without him there (except for the whole crack addiction and the drive by shooting), and if he had anything to say about it, Deadbeat Dad wouldn’t be staying there. Blind Side Lite tries to walk out again, but Deadbeat Dad gets all up in his grill, shouting about how he can’t just “drop bombs” and walk out like a little kid. If he wants to talk like a man, then let’s talk. Blind Side Lite spits back, perfectly calm, that a man don’t leave his family. How’s that for talking like a man? Deadbeat Dad just got SERVED! He tells him not to go to the game and walks out the door.
Bring it? Oh, it’s been BRUNG!
Not Sandra Bullock runs after him, begging him to give Deadbeat Dad a chance. Blind Side Lite asks what happens when he starts stealing again, ending back up in prison. Not Sandra Bullock, apparently aware that that’s inevitable, asks him to ease up for her sake. She just wants them all to be a family. Blind Side Lite neither agrees nor disagrees to go along with the charade, just walking past her.
Don’t worry, Blind Side Lite. Even Malcolm X has your back.
Now it’s almost game time, and Blind Side Lite is walking into school with his teammates behind him and fans cheering along the path. Everyone around him is oblivious of the weight of the world clearly sitting on his shoulders. The anger is boiling up, and he’s trying to keep it together.
Prepare yourself for brilliance, folks. Blind Side Lite is immediately met by Sunshine 2.0 in the locker room. Coach Father Figure wants to see him in his office, but he didn’t say why. Blind Side Lite walks in, and Coach Father Figure asks him why he left the grocery store early. Blind Side Lite starts in with the attitude, responding “Why not?” Coach doesn’t like this, telling him to just say what’s on his mind. Blind Side Lite unloads about not being asked how he’d feel about QB Princess being on the team, saying it’s stupid. Coach Father Figure says he doesn’t have to run personnel decisions by him. Then, Blind Side Lite goes off on the shirts and ties, saying this ain’t the high standards Coach is looking for. Coach tells him to shut the door and Blind Side Lite sits down.
Coach Father Figure talks about how Blind Side Lite was a punk climbing out of a police car when they first met. People said he’d never last on the field, and there are still people thinking that. Blind Side Lite says screw them and that he works hard for everything he has. Coach agrees, saying that he ought to be proud, like how Coach is proud of him and like his teammates are proud. Coach says that it’s about CHARACTER. It’s about STRIVING TO BE BETTER than everyone else. Music swells in the background as Blind Side Lite tells Coach Father Figure that his dad just got out of prison and that he’s staying in HIS house, and he can’t stand him. Not Sandra Bullock wants him to forgive Deadbeat Dad and be better. Now Coach is asking him to be better. And just like that, he explodes in a well contained fury, knocking papers off Coach’s desk and pounding it with his fist. He doesn’t know how to be better because his dad never taught him how!
No joke here. Just brilliant acting.
Old Assistant Coach hears the ruckus and comes in to see what’s going on while Blind Side Lite is still yelling about having to always “be better.” Coach quietly but firmly tells the Old Assistant Coach that everything’s under control and to close the door. Coach leans forward, and with calm understanding that he said to STRIVE to be better, not that he had to BE BETTER. Coach Father Figure looks him straight in the eyes and whispers that he just has to try. That’s what character is, it’s in the trying. Blind Side Lite looks on with sudden realization in his eyes, and Coach leaves him alone for a few minutes to collect himself.
This scene is exactly why this show is so fucking good. The entire episode was constructed to build up towards this scene and the emotional payoff delivers. I had chills and a few tears in my eyes along with Blind Side Lite. I know Michael B. Jordan has no chance at an Emmy nomination (especially if Zach Gilford couldn’t snag one for The Son), but this should still be his episode submission.
Never fear. Coach Father Figure will find a way to win the game.
Fast forwarding to the end of the football game, the Red Storm are down by 7. Cue 4th Quarter Comeback ™. Blind Side Lite calls the play and takes the snap. He drops back to pass and hits Sunshine 2.0 over the middle for a big gain. On the next play, Blind Side Lite takes the snap and runs it out for another big gain. Finally, another pass to Sunshine 2.0 scores the game tying touchdown (we’re left to assume the extra point was good). We’re even at 28-28.
1:28 is left in the game and the crowd starts chanting DE-FENCE. I’m surprised no one in the stands has the “D” and picket fence cutout. Other Team snaps the ball and Hayseed Hottie runs through the offensive line and sacks the QB, causing a fumble. Tinker falls on the ball and recovers it for the Red Storm, getting the ball back with a great chance to win.
Let’s hope that Hayseed Hottie doesn’t get suspended for another game for this hit.
Blind Side Lite leads the offense back on the field as we see Deadbeat Dad lurking on field level, watching his son play. Blind Side Lite throws another great pass to Sunshine 2.0 (not bad for a dude who’s only played football for a week). The crowd cheers wildly, but he’s tackled in-bounds, so the clock keeps running. Less than 20 seconds left and Blind Side Lite is calling for everyone to hurry up. Tension mounts as they quickly line up. He quickly takes the snap and immediately starts running with the ball. Blind Side Lite breaks one tackle, managing to stay on his feet. He runs some more, breaks another tackle, hurdles over a third defender, and avoids a fourth defender with some quick, fancy footwork to get into the end zone and score the game winning touchdown. WOO HOO!!!!!!
If Superman played football…
Not Sandra Bullock, Tami-Joe Clark, and T&T Girl celebrate in the stands, Deadbeat Dad looks on with pride, and the Red Storm crowd together for the “Tinker Shuffle.” A flag goes up for excessive celebration, but it doesn’t matter. The Red Storm have won the game!
Coming soon to a dance floor near you!
Undefeated at 3-0! Coach Father Figure meets Blind Side Lite as he’s walking off the field to shake his hand and congratulate him. Blind Side Lite says he’s got nothing left, but it was a hell of an effort. Coach Father Figure lets him know that that’s what CHARACTER is, as Deadbeat Dad looks on with what appears to be jealousy. Get a good look, jailbird. That’s what a father and son should look like.
After the game, Blind Side Lite gets the honor of placing the game ball in the trophy case. Booster Dick points at Blind Side Lite in pride as everyone starts chanting “3 AND OH, EASTSIDE!!!!”
Let’s take a quick song break. “Fair Eastside/By thy side/We’ll stand/And always praise thy name!”
Booster Dick takes this moment to head outside for some peace and quiet to make a phone call. He calls up the ex-wife to let her know that he’s made a decision on what to do about their pothead son. He wants her to send Buddy Jr. home to Dillon. He needs his father, and Booster Dick has never been more sure of anything in his life. I bet he was about as sure he wouldn’t get caught cheating until the mistress showed up after church to confront his stupid ass.
Princess Angst’s future sex scandal continues to develop as TA Tweed Jacket finds her in the college library. He asks if she’s ok, and she lies, saying she’s good. He starts to apologize, but she tries to put a quick end to this amazingly awkward conversation by saying he has nothing to apologize for. He contradicts her, basically admitting that he abused the teacher/student relationship to seduce her stupid ass. Perhaps they shouldn’t be having this conversation IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING LIBRARY! Seriously, everyone’s being quiet, and you’re openly discussing an action that could get you fired?
Shhhh! I can’t hear what that TA is saying to the student he just had sex with!
Princess Angst agrees with him about how wrong it was, and it’ll never happen again. He asks if they’re good, and she quickly agrees to shut him the fuck up. He’ll see her in class, but with 10 episodes still to go, I’d guess that things go a bit further before this whole thing blows up in their faces. Hey, at least this time they can blame it on the alcohol. Maybe Princess Angst should go back to East Dillon and talk to all the girls about the dangers of underage drinking. She speaks from experience now.
And finally, Blind Side Lite gets home from the game and subsequent celebration to find Deadbeat Dad packing up his shit. Deadbeat Dad admits to going to the game, and proceeds to unload all his personal demons. He’s aware of how much of Blind Side Lite’s life he missed (which probably includes more than just the 5 years he was in jail). It’s time he’ll never get back. He marvels at his 17 year old son who’s already better than he ever was. Blind Side Lite is the man of this house, and he was wrong to assume he could stay there. Then, he goes on to tell his son how proud he was of him, seeing him at the game, and it appears heartfelt and genuine. He extends his hand to Blind Side Lite for a shake, and through all this, Blind Side Lite has been standing there becoming increasingly more emotional. As tears roll down his cheek, he shakes his dad’s hand, and Deadbeat Dad puts on his hat and walks out the door with his suitcase.
Don’t you love when tough guys get all emotional and vulnerable?
Blind Side Lite goes out after him, asking him where he’s gonna be. Deadbeat Dad responds that he’ll be around and walks off into the ghetto night. Blind Side Lite goes back inside and wipes away his tears.
Man, this show is so fucking good! To all the Emmy voters out there (because I know tons of you are loyal readers of the ‘GASM)—let’s get this show some recognition, please. It’s your last chance. Don’t fuck it up!
And to my loyal fan (fans, if there’s more than one of you out there), let’s discuss this episode. And to get the discussion rolling, I’m gonna pose a little poll question. If you were a Red Storm rally girl, which player would you want to give up your cookies too, and why? Blind Side Lite, Hayseed Hottie, Tinker, Sunshine 2.0, or QB Princess? Clearly, my vote goes to Hayseed Hottie. Or if you prefer, if you were Red Storm player, which Rally Girl would you want bringing you cookies? T&T Girl or Vagina George?