It’s like throwing the party of the century. You painstakingly assemble a perfectly stocked bar, the good chips and dips, the best music, and possibly a smattering of recreational drugs. The planets align, and everyone shows up. And everyone is having a good time. People are talking, laughing, dancing, screwing, and no one is anxious to leave. It can’t possibly get better than this! And almost immediately thereafter, someone has one drink too many and the vomiting starts. Someone else has one snort too many and the fighting ensues. Then the cops show up, and the party is busted. The next morning, you’re left with a raging hangover, a citation for noise, and a destroyed house/apartment. While you’re scrubbing the puke, beer, and food out of your carpet, you try to convince yourself that it was all worth it. For the Red Storm, the party has devolved into madness and the cops are about to show up. Push the underage kids out the back and flush the drugs. Here we go.
And the Lord said, “Let there Be Light… Unless you lose, bitches!”
We pick up after the Red Storm’s next game. QB Princess is cleaning up the field while some random janitor is sweeping the bleachers. Radio announcer/narrator tells us they’ve just suffered their first loss of the season, and it appears to be a sound whooping. The final score was 28-17. Not exactly an embarrassing loss, but still worrisome. Suddenly, like their undefeated season and possibly their chances at making it to STATE, the lights go out, and she’s left to finish up in dark. Janitor in the stands is prepared with one of those mining lights on his hat.
In the locker room, tempers are flaring and blame is being tossed around like a hot potato. Blind Side Lite insists they had the momentum until Hayseed Hottie got called for a penalty for coming out onto the field when he wasn’t supposed to. In response, Hayseed Hottie claims exhaustion since the defense was out on the field all night thanks to Blind Side Lite’s 3, count them T-H-R-E-E interceptions.
One interception, bwah-ha-ha, Two interceptions, bwah-ha-ha, Three interceptions, bwah-ha-ha!
But those aren’t his fault either, because of his receiver’s (namely Sunshine 2.0’s) blown routes. Sunshine 2.0 steps in to defend himself, saying he ran the play as designed. A fight could break out at any moment. Finally, Coach Father Figure comes out and proceeds to kick them all out of the locker room.
If you didn’t already know that I’m pissed, I’ll stand here with my hands on my hips and glare at you with hatred and disappointment.
As the team grabs their stuff and filters out, we hear radio announcer/narrator in the background, slamming the team some more. Perhaps they counted their chickens prematurely, and now the chickens are coming home to roost. And what came first—the chicken or the egg? And they were all chickens out there, laying eggs instead of scoring TD’s. And defeat tastes like chicken. Point is they weren’t a team out there on the field. Coach grabs the radio and angrily tosses it in the trash.
In Chicago, Wounded Puppy Dog is folding a blanket as Princess Angst emerges from the bathroom. Did one of them sleep on the couch?
I’d bet it was Wounded Puppy Dog… ever the southern gentleman.
Except for that whole skipping town without a word to your girlfriend and best friend thing. That was pretty douchey. Princess Angst starts talking about how great the weekend has been, so much so that she wants to stay a little longer. She won’t be missing much at school. This is where Wounded Puppy Dog should recognize from experience that she’s running away from something. Desperate for her forgiveness for running out on her last year, he merely indulges her, unknowingly enabling her on her path to being a beauty school college dropout.
It’s not a lie if I’ve already dropped out and I don’t have anything to get back to anyway.
The coaches meet, discussing the Red Storm’s playoff picture. We learn that they’re in with either a win this week, or with another team’s loss. Coach Father Figure says they’re not gonna lose, although everyone clearly doubts the certainty of his claim.
With my magic glasses that split in the middle, I can see what y’all can’t
He asks Old Coach why he’s been so quiet, and he removes his glasses to point out the 800lb elephant sitting on the table in front of all of them. Blind Side Lite has lost the respect of his team. Basically, they’re fucked and they all know it.
Chica Precious drops in on Tami-Joe Clark in her office. She hides her lunch while asking why she’s there. Chica talks about having trouble in her Texas History class. If she fails this test, she’ll have to repeat the 10th grade. Nevermind reading, writing, and arithmetic… her academic success hinges on her depth of knowledge of state history.
Bullshit, right? My thoughts exactly!
Ridiculous, but somehow, I believe that with regards to TX. Tami-Joe Clark calls bullshit on that, suggesting she get help in Homework Club. Not surprisingly, the teacher hates her and wants her to fail. Actually, if they hate you, they’ll pass you, so you can GET THE FUCK OUT! And like the sucker she is when it comes to being a savior, she offers to help Chica study for the test.
Also preparing for a big test coming up, the Rally Girls decorate the stadium for Senior Night and the final home game of the season. Hayseed Hottie makes light of it, but T&T Girl thinks it’s a big deal. It’s her last chance to see him at home in his hot uniform. She wants to do something nice for him, offering to take him out after the game. Hayseed Hottie has to decline because Right Wing Nut Mom wants to take him out instead. And without saying it, he makes it clear that T&T Girl isn’t invited, because she’s the dirty whore who seduced him into fornication, then went out and aborted their almost love child.
The role of Ghost of Aborted Fetus will now be played by Right Wing Nut Mom
That’d make for interesting and awkward dinner conversation. T&T Girl pretends to be ok with this, but her look of disappointment as he walks away reveals her true feelings.
Out on the field, the team has all taken a knee in front of Coach Father Figure. He breaks out his motivational best to try to get the team over the back-breaking defeat.
I think we can, I think we can, I think we can!
He talks about how they didn’t play to their capabilities and the only thing standing between them and the playoffs is themselves. Actually, the only things standing between them and the playoffs are Blind Side Lite’s overinflated ego and the teams’ resulting butt-hurt feelings. They’ve worked too hard to lose it all now. Then Coach Father Figure drops a nuclear bomb, telling Blind Side Lite to give the QB’s red practice jersey to Hayseed Hottie for today. The team heads off to start practice, and Blind Side Lite goes up to Coach to ask what the fuck is going on.
You can’t do this to me! I’m the STAAAAAAAAAR!
Perfectly calm, he responds that he’s keeping the Wildcat offense an option for the future. Then he scolds Blind Side Lite for talking back to him on his field. As Cartman would say, “You WILL respect my AUTHORIT-AY!” Blind Side Lite is furious.
Over at the Landing Strip, T&T Girl chills with the Pussycat Dolls, babysitting Baby Riggins while Stripper Wife takes a break from waiting tables. She feels sick, like she’s gonna puke.
If you’re gonna hurl, you might wanna put your head down so that you don’t choke on your own vomit.
Is this really an odd occurrence? Gross, scaly unshowered redneck men with missing teeth and dirty clothes stuffing crumbled dollar bills into your g-string… that’d be enough to make me sick on a daily basis. However, this is a real illness, but she can’t leave. T&T Girl volunteers to take her shift, to which Mindy firmly says NO! The Pussycat Dolls, ever the corruptors, back up Becky.
Gratuitous Semi-Naked Pic of the Week: (Almost) Nip Slip Edition
She has waitressing experience (at 16, how and where?) and apparently, the boss-man is gone. Weak from an impending stomach virus or something (wink), Stripper Wife gives in, allowing T&T Girl to make some cash. I’m guessing she’ll be taking Baby Riggins home with her?
Now that he’s become a superstar, we see Blind Side Lite bitching at Deadbeat Dad about that infamous missed practice and all the ensuing fallout, quick to pass all the blame onto him.
How was I supposed to know Coach would call my bluff? I’ve been in prison since this show started!
Deadbeat Dad plays damage control, admitting that he said nothing was gonna happen from missing practice, but it’ll all work out. Blind Side Lite responds that Coach thinks OT isn’t gonna make the offer, but Dad doesn’t believe that, telling his son to get his mind right. With slick confidence, Dad convinces him that Coach was only making a power move to show who was in charge. He’ll get benched for one practice. Big deal!
Looks like someone isn’t buying all his bullshit! Too bad she’s too afraid of getting beaten to speak up.
Deadbeat Dad talks him back off the ledge, saying that Coach wants to win, and Blind Side Lite brings the wins. Except for the most recent game, where you threw 3 interceptions and couldn’t motivate your team to back up your superstar ass. Let’s hope the colleges don’t get to see this particular game film, huh?
Back at the Landing Strip, T&T Girl has gotten a make-under from the Pussycat Dolls, and she’s slutting it up out on the floor, serving drinks.
Black Swan: Stripper Version
She drops off a few drinks to a particular loser in a trucker hat. Can we maim Ashton Kutcher for making those things trendy? Loser Trucker Hat Dude turns on the creepiness, asking when she’ll be getting up on stage. T&T Girl, ever the quick study, plays coy, flirting back that he’ll have to wait and see. Then, he takes a bill of some sort and she lets him stuff it into the waist of her skirt, saying that he’ll have to spend a lot more to get her clothes off.
Entrapment or Soliciting a Minor? Flip a coin!
As she walks away, he shouts after her to consider that a down payment. I’m just completely creeped out here. First of all, she’s only 16, even though she looks like she could be, oh I don’t know, the actress’ real age? Which according to Wikipedia, is….. 19??? Dammit, there goes my theory. Usually, Hollywood suffers from Gabrielle Carteris Syndrome, casting actors in their late 20’s in teen roles. Bravo, FNL for your mostly realistic casting here! But hey, at least she’s not jailbait in real life. Backstage, she pulls a wad of cash out of her bra, adding the newest bills to the massive fold. DAMN!!! Why can’t I be a smoking hot adolescent girl waiting tables in a strip club! In one night, she probably made more than I earn in a week! Sad Kitty!
Tami-Joe Clark is chatting it up with other teachers in the hallway, when Coach Father Figure comes up and they walk off together. All the water cooler gossip is about some teacher getting a pink slip due to budget cuts.
If you volunteer for my Homework Club, you’ll be too indispensable and they won’t be able to lay you off!
Ah, I was wondering when those ominous statements were going to resurface and start directing the plot! It’s a shame, but cuts have to be made. Be glad it’s neither of you two…. yet. Coach tells Tami that he’s not gonna be home tonight because he’s meeting with the Shane State Dude. Tami wonders aloud if he’s decided to pursue that particular opportunity, and Coach says he’s doing it as a favor to QB1. Yeah, ok. Given the fact that your team is on the verge of collapse, I’d be looking to secure future employment too. Tami is cool with it, letting him know that Epic is coming over for dinner and a tutoring session. Hide all the expensive stuff… she could be trying to case your house, Tami.
Back in his office, Coach Father Figure meets with Blind Side Lite, asking him to get together with Hayseed Hottie to set patterns for the Wildcat offense. Blind Side Lite, acting all butt hurt, says that tonight is no good, and asks why he has to do it. Coach’s carefully calculated and perfectly logical response is that he wants to have a viable option at QB for the playoffs in case he happens to get hurt.
When are you gonna learn that you’ll never get the upper hand on Coach?
He points out that Coach wasn’t worried about that before, saying that this feels like a punishment. Guess what, genius… it IS a punishment. And you might as well stand akimbo and give a diva-worthy head roll for all the attitude you’re hurling at Coach here. Coach and Blind Side Lite stare each other down, with Coach shrugging, saying if he can’t help out a teammate… the threat doesn’t need to be finished. Finally, Blind Side Lite agrees to do it.
Out by the bleachers, T&T Girl gives Hayseed Hottie a little present. 100% satin…. Tie? Yep. She says she wants him to look nice for dinner with his parents after Senior Night. He loves the gift, but his guilt suddenly boils over. He asks if she’s mad that he didn’t invite her to dinner. She tries to play it off, but Hayseed responds because he’s too scared of Right Wing Nut Mom to stand up to her. And T&T Girl finally admits that yeah, she’s mad because he won’t do anything about it. I’d call him a coward, but militant Christians don’t always live by the Golden Rule, and they can be vindictive and violent. He apologizes to her, but she walks away, feeling like trash. Because exploiting your body for the very cash you used to buy him that tie isn’t a display of questionable morals in itself?
Quick, someone give Blind Side Lite a Snickers! He’s such a diva when he’s hungry! Now he’s bitching to QB Princess about having to help Hayseed Hottie. He’s busy, what with putting his highlight reel together and homework and preening in front of a mirror admiring his general greatness. PAUSE! Why would you need to compile a highlight reel if you’re about to verbally commit to Okla Tech? Maybe someone’s suddenly not so confident? QB Princess, in the middle of doing the team’s laundry, points out the obvious, that he should do it because that’s what Coach asked him to do. He goes to hand her a bunch of dirty jockstraps and she snaps a little, saying she ain’t a damn maid!
Who do I look like? J-Lo in Maid in Manhattan? Wait…. that would mean that I look like J-Lo. That’s not such a bad thing….
Blind Side Lite gets offended, asking what her problem is. She’s sick of all his complaining. Join the club, sistah. Paranoia setting in, he accuses her of talking to Coach behind his back. Wow! He just took a match to the last bridge connecting him to reality and sanity. Let’s watch this shit burn, shall we?
Well, someone had to tell Coach about the website that reported on my UNOFFICIAL visit to Okla Tech!
QB Princess explodes at him, and I can’t help but sit back and enjoy this. She’s always had his back, but HE’S the one who lied to Coach. HE’S the one who skipped practice. HE’S the one who only talked about himself in the interview. But nothing is ever HIS fault. YOU GO, GIRL! He’s got some nerve blaming HER for the trouble he’s in right now. He’s got Deadbeat Dad’s head so far up his ass, all he can see is his ego!
FINALLY! CAN I GET AN AMEN UP IN HERE!
Blind Side Lite, finally getting a word in edge-wise, tells her to watch her mouth. But it’s too late. She’s done with him, and she’s done with their relationship. She breaks up with him and storms out.
At the Taylor Household, Tami-Joe Clark puts a moratorium on the tutoring session, insisting that Chica Precious finish her dinner. Meanwhile, Gracie Bell emerges from her bedroom.
Chucky: The Next Generation
Clearly, Tami-Joe Clark didn’t have time for the nightly bedtime story. Interestingly, LRHFLUTE just pointed me to a new video of my favorite picture book, Go the Fuck to Sleep, as narrated by Samuel L. Jackson! HAHAHAHA!!! “YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!” Before Tami can shoo her back to bed, Chica Precious asks permission to play.
Awwww! She’s good with kids. Quick, someone tell her she can make a career out of this!
She sits Gracie Bell on her lap, and patiently draws with her while Tami-Joe Clark looks on with pride. Notch another win for her Save The At-Risk Youth crusade!
Walking down a Chicago street at night, Princess Angst tells Wounded Puppy Dog how she feels like she doesn’t belong in college. Yeah, because you slept with a married TA, and his jilted wife went all Hester Prynn on your ass. She misses Wounded Puppy Dog, and their relationship, but she laments that he’s moved on. She feels like she doesn’t fit in his life anymore.
If I put my tongue in her mouth, maybe she’ll finally stop whining!
To silence her angsty monologue, he kisses her and tells her that he’s wanted to do that ever since she showed up. Looks like a reconciliation is in store. Let’s hope he’s stocked up on the Trojans in anticipation of this very moment.
Meanwhile, Hayseed Hottie is holed up in the locker room, watching game film waiting on Blind Side Lite to show up. Instead, QB Princess shows up. He flips out, saying it’s not her job to cover his stupid ass. She says this isn’t about Blind Side Lite, it’s about her wanting the team to win. Hayseed Hottie gets all defeatist, saying he doesn’t think they can win, but she soldiers on, quizzing him on a play.
I don’t have a fucking clue. I’m a defensive specialist. All I have to do is find my guy and tackle him.
When he doesn’t know, she makes him sit down and get to work. If this were Grey’s Anatomy or Desperate Housewives, they’d hook up here. Think of the drama—Blind Side Lite steals Hayseed’s scholarship, so he steals his girlfriend in retribution. FNL avoids the obvious plot device, though.
Back in Chicago, Wounded Puppy Dog and Princess Angst are lying in bed wallowing in post coital bliss. They say that they missed each other, and she chooses this particular moment to drop the anvil on his head, hoping he’s too distracted to really comprehend what she’s saying. She tells him the basic details of her affair with TA Tweed Jacket.
Um…. do I need to get tested for an STD?
Wounded Puppy Dog responds as if it’s no big deal. They weren’t together, so she wasn’t cheating on him. She mentions how pissed her parents were, and he accurately points out that he’s not her parents. Then, he squirrels, saying they need breakfast. He gets up and retreats to the bathroom, where he looks in the mirror with an expression of… disappointment? Concern? Realization? I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s certainly not happiness. Looks like he’s grown up, though. Princess Angst can learn a few things from him, if she weren’t so self absorbed.
And speaking of dropping anvils, Coach Father Figure strides into the cafeteria, making a bee line for Blind Side Lite. He pulls him aside, telling him that he’s benched.
Bluffing, huh? Looks like Coach just turned over a royal flush on your ass.
Blind Side Lite gets angry, looking over at Hayseed Hottie, saying how much he hates snitches. Coach shuts him up, calling him out for not performing a simple task asked of him for the good of the team. Then he lays out the scenario for him. He’ll show up to practice and he’ll dress for the game, but he’s not playing. Blind Side Lite accuses him trying to mess up his future. Coach deflects it, asking if he’s shooting for a second week on the bench. He has no choice but to fall in line, responding No, sir. That’s what Coach likes to hear. Hmmm… didn’t Coach bench Smash Williams when he was acting up? That tactic worked back in the day. Let’s see if it works here too.
In the Teacher’s Lounge, Tami-Joe Clark is washing her hands, only to discover that they’re out of paper towels. She laments the budget cuts to Lazy Bitch Teacher, but there are more important things to discuss, like how Chica Precious stole money out of Lazy Bitch Teacher’s purse! It’s only $20, but still.
She’s touching the left side of her face while she’s making the accusation. Isn’t that something analysts use to detect when someone’s lying?
Tami looks woefully disappointed, but she never thinks to ask how Lazy Bitch Teacher is convinced that Chica Precious was the thief. It’s like she didn’t have to ask. For someone so adamantly on Chica’s side, she’s sure quick to let Lazy Bitch Teacher throw her UNDER THE BUS. And dear god, when is Big Brother coming back?!?!?!?!
T&T Girl and Stripper Wife chill at home, having a heart-to-heart. T&T Girl doesn’t understand why Stripper Wife has a problem with her waitressing at the Landing Strip. The reason is quite obvious, and it’s refreshing that Stripper Wife openly sees the pitfalls of the business she’s in and that she wants to protect T&T Girl. She asks why not go wait tables at Red Lobster. Very valid question, because she’d surely make bank, given the tip percentage on expensive seafood entrees and alcoholic beverages. Unfortunately, T&T Girl has gotten a taste of the skin trade, pointing out that drunk perverts don’t slip Benjamins in your panties at the Red Lobster. Unable to argue a counterpoint, Stripper Wife says she doesn’t feel up to talking about it, to which T&T Girl shows concern. Stripper Wife gets up and retrieves a pee stick from the bathroom, showing her the positive pregnancy test she’s taken.
Then she crawls into the fetal position and laments the virility of stupid Texas meatheads.
T&T Girl is excited, asking if she and Small Town Loser planned it. Yeah, planned as in Small Town Loser coming home like a horny 8th grader, climbing on top of her, and doing the deed smelling like nachos. HA! Someone’s been reading TVGASM! LOVE YOU, MINDY! Suffice it to say, she’s less than excited.
Back in Tami-Joe Clark’s office, she’s arranged a confrontation/mediation between Chica Precious and Lazy Bitch Teacher. Over a missing $20 bill? Then again, with budget cuts looming and pink slips dropping, that can be a lot of money to certain characters who earn a nickname with the words LAZY and BITCH in them. Chica Precious insists she didn’t steal the money, but Lazy Bitch Teacher KNOWS she did. She hurls the word “Respect” at Chica, but really, baseless accusations are a great show of respect in their own right. Lazy Bitch Teacher wants to know who else could have stolen it, and Chica proceeds to list off several names of worse thugz who were there to pluck the cash out of her unattended purse. Lazy Bitch Teacher remains unconvinced, then grabs her backpack and tries to search for the cash. Meanwhile, Chica’s ghetto instincts kick in, and she starts to fight back. Talk about poking a bee hive with a stick! A scuffle breaks out over the backpack, and Tami steps in to stop it from escalating into something worse. When she grabs Chica to pull her back, Chica treats Tami like just another attacker, fighting her off. Tami gets thrown back, hitting her head hard on the thick glass window in her office.
All this over $20. Shit, Tami would have been better off just giving Lazy Bitch Teacher the money.
Lazy Bitch Teacher yelps, shouting at Chica, “OOOOOOOH, I’M TELLING!!!!” Tami says she’s fine while wincing in pain, and Chica says she’s sorry, knowing she’s in deep shit now. And in the process, my eyes roll right out of their sockets onto the floor and my cats bat them around until they end up out of reach behind the couch with the rest of their toys.
We cut to the feed store, where Not Sandra Bullock is working hard. Blind Side Lite visits her to confess that he’s getting benched. She asks if this is about him missing practice? Then she says she thought that Deadbeat Dad said it would all work out. Damn girl, we’re on page 7. Catch up! Apparently, the prevailing theory was that Coach was bluffing by threatening to bench him. This only highlights one of two things. Either you really don’t know Coach at all, or you were blinded enough by sparkling promises of college scholarships and lucrative NFL contracts and endorsement deals that you underestimated him. Either way, you were stupid. He asks what his mom thinks, and surprisingly, she doesn’t spout some dated moral lesson straight out of the Cosby Show.
Your dad’s a drug dealing ex-con with a temper. Do you really think he knows his ass from his elbow when it comes to competitive football?
She’s been paying attention, even though she clearly wants the family together. She acknowledges Deadbeat Dad’s love for and pride in him, but even though he envisions himself an all-powerful, all-knowing deity, perhaps Blind Side Lite shouldn’t take everything he says as gospel truth. She tells him to use the good head on his shoulders.
Back at school, Tami-Joe Clark is getting checked by the nurse for a concussion when Principal Downtrodden and Coach Father Figure come in, followed by two uniformed officers. The cops handcuff Chica Precious and move to take her away. Tami jumps up to go to her defense, claiming it was all an accident, but she’s held back by a concerned Coach and an exasperated Principal Downtrodden, who tells her that it was out of his hands.
It was nice knowin’ ya! Thanks for all the food!
And just like that, all of Tami’s efforts to SAVE her go down the drain with one impulsive shove. Poor Tami!
In the locker room, QB Princess is crying while folding towels and putting equipment away. Coach walks in and can’t help but notice the blubbering. Like a male, he’s clearly uncomfortable with such an open display of emotion. But he asks if she’s ok.
Hey, at least he didn’t fall into the most common pitfall for guys, asking if she’s on her period.
She responds in the affirmative because strong people hate to show any form of weakness, and I really feel bad for her. She admits that she and Blind Side Lite have broken up, but immediately reassures Coach that it won’t be a problem with the team. Silently, he nods. And in the only way he really can, he supports her by reminding her that he has 2 daughters and telling her to take all the time she needs. He goes back into his office relieved he didn’t have to fetch her a tampon.
Back at practice, Sunshine 2.0 is taking his young life into his hands by openly questioning Coach’s decision to bench Blind Side Lite. However, Coach takes it in stride, saying that there are still RULES on the team, and NO ONE is above the rules. He sends Hayseed Hottie out onto the field, and under his leadership, practice runs like a sports blooper real, complete with near sacks and fumbled snaps.
Very funny, guys! Who sprayed the ball with WD-40?!?!?
This isn’t inspiring confidence at all, but good luck convincing Coach to go back on his word now. You’ll have better luck teaching Jason Street to walk again.
We check in up north, as Wounded Puppy Dog and Princess Angst sit down to dinner in his apartment, talking about her wonderful day spent sightseeing. Wounded Puppy Dog, with a lightbulb bursting above his head, interrupts to ask her what she’s really doing in Chicago.
The jig is up, girl. You’re being booted from your final safe haven. Next stop: Humiliation University.
Doesn’t she have to go home? Do her parents even know that she’s there? He’s a smart one, not wanting to incur the Wrath of Coach Father Figure. Princess Angst gets offended, reminding him that he said she could stay. He senses that she’s only there to avoid her situation. Princess Angst tries to defend herself, saying she’s not moving in or anything, but Matt reminds her that she has a life somewhere else that she needs to be living, as attractive as this vision of domesticity is to him right now.
Note to Princess Angst: People will stop treating you like a child when you stop acting like one.
Instead of facing her situation like an adult, she stamps her feet, saying she needs to go for a walk and get some air, slamming the door behind her on the way out.
And speaking of acting childish, Small Town Loser is purely ecstatic about Stripper Wife’s pregnancy and the thought of Baby Riggins having a little brother or sister. Meanwhile, Stripper Wife is staying grounded in reality, pointing out that she won’t be able to exploit drunk perverts to keep two rugrats in costly diapers, baby food, formula and Gap Kids. Small Town Loser shrugs it off, saying he’s got a good job right now. Guess someone isn’t gossiping with him at East Dillon about those budget cuts on the horizon. And I doubt he’s on staff at the high school. Let’s hope the garage is doing great business. Stripper Wife asks him if he paid the maternity premium on their health insurance. GOOD QUESTION! Because it appears that he hasn’t, but instead, he’ll deliver the baby if he has to.
It’s cute that you’re so excited, but that’s her USED pregnancy test… not a cigar.
I can only shake my head, but his enthusiasm is infectious because Stripper Wife believes him when he says that everything is going to be ok. If memory serves, her first pregnancy was high risk, leading him to resort to CRIME to pay the hospital bills and ending with Texas Forever taking the rap and going to JAIL for him. But this time will be different because he’s got better intentions? Not buying it.
At the Taylor home, Tami-Joe Clark hangs up the phone and proceeds to clue Coach Father Figure in on Chica Precious’ fate. She’s being sent to a new foster family and put into a new school. Fatal blow for the Save the At-Risk Youth crusade. And I’m guessing we won’t be seeing any more of Chica Precious. Color me disappointed. Coach comforts her, pointing out that she did everything she could to help her. Actually, she could have adopted her and made her a Taylor, giving her stability, discipline, and love, thereby ensuring a better opportunity to save her. Coach gives his wife a hug, saying that teenagers can be exhausting with all their baggage. Nice segue into mentioning Shane State and the opportunity to coach adults for a change. I hate to point this out, but they’re not exactly adults either, and the bullshit doesn’t automatically disappear once you turn 18. As Tami starts to ask if he’s decided to pursue the opportunity, there’s a knock at the door. Coach gets up to see who it is, finding a panicked Hayseed Hottie on his doorstep.
Phew! It’s not the Avon Lady or those stupid Jehovah’s Witnesses.
He begs Coach to start Blind Side Lite because he doesn’t think he can win. What was that Coach was saying about these kids being exhausting? He lets Hayseed in, saying they’ve got work to do.
Game time approaches, and the pre-game Senior Night ceremony has begun. Principal Downtrodden introduces their co-caption and leader of the Red Storm defense, Hayseed Hottie. He runs across the field, giving Right Wing Nut Mom a bouquet of flowers and Right Wing Nut Dad tells him how proud they are of him. Meanwhile, T&T Girl cheers him on from the stands.
In our family portrait, we look pretty normal…
Cut to the game, and Hayseed Hottie is starting at quarterback. I guess Coach convinced him to grow a pair. But right off the bat, it looks like the wrong move. He takes a snap, scrambles to find a receiver and gets sacked for a 12 yard loss.
Ouch! Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…
Hayseed Hottie takes another snap, and gets sacked again. Deadbeat Dad heckles Coach from the stands for him to put in Blind Side Lite. Hayseed begs Tinker for more time to get the play off, but the real problem isn’t with the line. Things aren’t looking good, but Coach stubbornly holds on to his convictions, nonetheless.
The magic word is PLEASE!
Late in the 4th Quarter, the Red Storm are up by 3, somehow. They have the ball, and Coach gives Hayseed the play call, to which Hayseed is like, HUH??!?!? With the playoffs hanging in the balance, Luke takes the field and promptly throws an ugly interception, and the opponents run it in for a touchdown to take the lead.
Ooops! That wasn’t supposed to happen!
Deadbeat Dad lobbies again for his son to get put into the game while jeers and a chant of “WE WANT VINCE!” rises from the crowd. Hayseed implores Coach to put Vince in, as well, because he can’t remember the plays. Coach goes right for the balls, asking if getting benched is how he wants this game to end for him. Hayseed looks up into the stands, catching sight of his lady love and finding courage in the process.
If you win the game, I’ll model my waitressing outfit for you!
Coach puts the decision on Hayseed as to what plays they’re gonna run, and Hayseed asks for control to go shotgun with no huddle. If they put the game on his feet, he thinks they can win it. Coach sends him out, telling him not to think it, but to KNOW it. Meanwhile, Blind Side Lite looks on helpless from the sidelines as Hayseed Hottie goes out for one last chance at the victory and all the ensuing glory.
Just over a minute and 60 yards to go. Hayseed Hottie takes the snap in shotgun formation, fakes a handoff, and immediately runs with the ball, netting a big gain and a first down. The crowd starts to come alive. Next play, Hayseed Hottie does the same thing with the same result. Principal Downtrodden smiles for maybe the second time all season, and Deadbeat Dad shoots daggers from his eyes out onto the field, hating what’s happening.
Not the face of a fan whose team is about to win the game….
Next play, Hayseed Hottie fakes another run, except this time, he tosses it over the middle straight to the end zone, where Sunshine 2.0 jumps up to grab the pass. The
TOUCHDOWN!!!!!! GAME OVER!!!!! RED STORM WINS!!!!!!!
Red Storm sideline, Right Wing Nut Parents, Booster Dick, and the crowd go crazy as Sunshine 2.0 dunks the ball through the uprights. The Red Storm are going to the playoffs!
Amidst the celebration, anger and humiliation get the best of Deadbeat Dad and he climbs down from the bleachers onto the field. Blind Side Lite sees what’s about to go down, takes his helmet off, and steps in front of his dad, holding him back.
Put the shank away and walk away quietly!
Coach and QB Princess notice what’s going down while Blind Side Lite holds him back and begs him to keep his cool. This isn’t the time or place to deliver another prison yard beatdown on Coach, especially with all the press around. Deadbeat Dad yells that it ain’t right what he did, and this ain’t over. Finally, he steps off and walks away. Blind Side Lite turns around in time to catch Coach congratulating Hayseed on a game well played, wondering what might have been. Meanwhile, Hayseed finds T&T Girl, and they share a sweet celebratory kiss.
Suddenly, outside the locker rooms, Right Hayseed emerges from the locker rooms and approaches Right Wing Nut Parents with T&T Girl at his side.
It’s ok, mom. We’re starting over. That means we’re both virgins again, and she was never pregnant.
Putting his arm around her, he asks his parents if they remember her, and Right Wing Nut Mom gets a look on her face like, “Yeah, I remember this sinful whore who murdered the fetus of my unborn grandchild!” while Right Wing Nut Dad looks on, perhaps a bit confused, asking how she’s doing. Hayseed suggests that they make the dinner reservation for 4 instead of 3, and his dad agrees while mom is like, “Hold the fucking phone, jackass!” Hayseed smiles brightly, kisses her cheek and leads the way to the car, while Right Wing Nut Mom is left in their dust, shocked at the fact that he kisses her. Enjoy your free dinner, T&T Girl, heavy on the judgments and passive aggression.
And finally, in Chicago, Wounded Puppy Dog is packing up Princess Angst’s car. With her bullshit now out in the open, her umpteenth detour to prolong her inevitable return to college is over. Wounded Puppy Dog asks if she charged her cell phone and tells her where to get gas before she gets on the road. Princess Angst sulks, saying she just wants to get out before there’s too much traffic. She thanks him for the hospitality and gives him a hug before getting in the car and pulling away. Wounded Puppy Dog, probably feeling guilt and more than a little sadness seeing her go, stands there watching as she turns the corner. Suddenly, with her out of sight, he’s overcome with longing, and in classic Hollywood form, he runs after her, shouting her name.
Not quite as attractive as Jason Ritter running, but this will certainly do!
She stops the car, and he opens the door. She gets out, and he puts her head in his hand, whispering in her ear that everything is gonna be ok and they’ll figure this out. They hug again as the music swells and a truck pulls up behind them honking its horn.
Despite everything that makes her annoying, he still loves her. Go figure!
When they pull apart, Princess Angst has tears in her eyes as she tells him that she loves him. Wounded Puppy Dog loves her too, and they kiss. He steps back, and she gets in the car. He closes her door, and watches once more as she drives away.
That does it for this installment, folks. Only 4 more episodes to go, EVER! Will Coach hightail it out of Dillion for the Sunshine State? Will Blind Side Lite get the starting job back? How will Texas Forever’s impending release from jail shake things up? Thoughts and comments below!