Add half naked cheerleaders, marching band music, and raucous cheering, and it’s almost like you’re there!
A strumming guitar underscores rolling shots of small town Texas as the show opens. The trademark narration, in the form of radio sports commentary, begins and I immediately feel at ease. Yes, it’s a cheap plot device used to set the scene for the drama that’s about to unfold, but when it’s done right, it’s perfect. Think Adult Kevin Arnold in The Wonder Years, Red in The Shawshank Redemption, Mary Alice in Desperate Housewives.
August is winding down in the city of Dillon, TX, and y’all know what that means! Yep, it’s hot as fuck! Tit sweat for the girls, swamp ass for the boys, and pit stains galore! Oh, and a little something called FOOTBALL! In Texas, everyone worships in this order: 1. God, 2. Guns, 3. Football. And the only reason God and guns come before football is because of the intense fear of the uber-religious and the NRA. Guns kill, and so do right wing nut-jobs. Football only maims. Just ask Jason Street.
The radio announcer talks about the upcoming Whataburger Football Classic (YAY product placement, especially if it helped finance this season). The question on everyone’s mind is how bad will the East Dillion Lions be, since they’ll be the only losing team there. “Will these Lions be like lambs headed to slaughter, or will they be like Cinderella at the dance?” Cut to Blind Side Lite and Hayseed Hottie out for a jog, shirtless. YUMMY! Driving the pace car is Tinker, the big linebacker, doing some training of his own, munching on a Krispy Kreme.
My first gift to the gay men and straight women out there. You’re welcome!
At the Taylor household, Princess Angst gets off the phone with her soon-to-be college roommate. She sounds upbeat and friendly, but this isn’t going to end well. After a few weeks of being besties, because you don’t have any other friends as a brand new freshman in college, the roommate is going to reveal herself to be a whore, bringing home drunk frat boys for awkward sex. After a few nights sleeping in the common room and a few hundred passive-aggressive barbs exchanged in passing, an all out cat fight will erupt complete with hair pulling, scratching and high pitched shrieking. Someone will catch it all on video and post it to YouTube, and for the rest of her college career, Princess Angst will be known as the Danielle Staub of whatever college she’s attending.
Tami-Joe Clark wants the scoop after Princess Angst gets off the phone, but Princess Angst isn’t in the mood for mother/daughter bonding, only giving the girls name and hometown. For some reason, Princess is moving herself into college, and I immediately call bullshit on that. The Taylors are involved parents, and you bet your ass Coach Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark would want be there. My guess, Princess Angst whined about being all independent and self sufficient and shit. And who the fuck wants to listen to that all summer long. Princess Angst blows it off like it’s not a big deal, and Tami-Joe Clark emphasizes that IT. IS. A. BIG. DEAL. If it were that big a deal, you’d be dropping her off at college. Just saying.
Booster Dick is on the radio hyping the Red Storm, and back in the football office, the coaches are listening and puffing out their chests. Quite a bit of hubris for a team coming off a 2-8 season. Coach Father Figure, however, is much more realistic, snapping everyone back to reality. He barks orders and humiliates his staff into getting back to work. A sense of foreboding is heavy in the air, like the stench of body odor and stiff jock straps that haven’t been washed yet. Where’s the Old Spice dude when you need him? You can be a winner if you just use Old Spice. And it gets rid of body odor too. How’s that for a game plan!
Prison not as much fun as you through, what with the rape and all?
Down in lock-up, Small Town Loser is visiting a stoic and disengaged Texas Forever in jail. Small Town Loser shows him a picture of his nephew, and comments on the remaining three months left on his sentence. When he doesn’t get much more than a sarcastic response, he talks about his desire to start coaching football. After all, he says that he was like a coach to Texas Forever, right? Texas Forever is quick to remind him that Coach (Father Figure) was his coach. And considering how Texas Forever had been helping out on the sidelines last season, I’m sure this was a very bitter pill for him to swallow. And based on how defeated he looks sitting there in the prison yard, he may be swallowing something else that’s bitter.
Small Town Loser gets all apologetic, saying that he appreciates the sacrifice Texas Forever made for him in going to jail, and not a day goes by where he doesn’t think about Texas Forever going to jail for his crimes. Say it a little louder, Loser, the law enforcement officers standing 5 feet away from you didn’t hear you confess, dipshit. He’s never been the sharpest tool in the shed, but damn, feeling guilty much?!?! I guess that’s the whole point, so I’ll let it go. In mid-sentence, an announcement comes over the PA system that playtime, err visiting hours, are over. Playtime happens when they all get back to their cells for lights-out. Texas Forever gets up to leave, reminding Small Town Loser that he doesn’t have to visit as often as he does. And he can extend that message to Toddlers and Tiaras Girl, too. You know, if I didn’t wanna have sex with Texas Forever as much as I do, I’d gently remind him that taking the fall for brother was HIS OWN IDEA. I get that prison rape can destroy your carefree spirit, but it seems unfair to be laying on this heavy a guilt trip. Just saying.
After the theme, we join Tami-Joe Clark as she attends her first faculty meeting. She sits attentive and respectful, like a good new hire. She looks on, no doubt with a little bit of jealousy as Principal Downtrodden monotonously notifies the staff that the science lab budget is being cut to purchase new textbooks. The science teacher makes a snide comment, but really, let’s be honest. What’s more important? Knowing how to identify frog guts or learning how to read, construct a sentence with correct grammar and diction, or balancing a checkbook? Come to think of it, with all the drug dealing that goes on in the inner cities, I suspect the thugs have simple math, fractions, and units of measurement down cold. At least in science lab, they can learn how to make meth. Cut the Math-letes!
Next on the agenda, Principal Downtrodden introduces Tami-Joe Clark as the school’s newest guidance councilor. Cue lukewarm round of applause. She gives the standard, “It’s so great to be here, and I’m so excited to be working with everyone,” bullshit you say when starting a new job, when all you’re really interested in is the paycheck. And since the whole abortion scandal hit the papers a few months back, my guess is that no one is jumping out of their seats to befriend her. They need their paychecks too!
When Principal Downtrodden tries to move on, Tami-Joe Clark sweetly interrupts to interject a suggestion that the teachers hand-write college recommendations to boost acceptance rates. You wouldn’t believe the affect it had over at the Evil Empire! She’s dead serious, but everyone in the room shoots her the “Bitch, Please!” death stare. They’re already overworked and underpaid, and given the current budget crisis, it’s amazing they even have letterhead to print the generic form letters onto. Then again, there are probably so few East Dillon kids applying to colleges anyway that it might not be such a big deal. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be bothered with the extra work. Fuck that, computers were invented for a reason… to waste time at work playing around on Facebook! DUH!
Randomly, two of the teachers start bickering because one of ‘em got some kid named Epic in their homeroom. Apparently, Epic is a board-certified, Grade A hell raiser with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. In other words, she’s going to be Tami-Joe Clark’s pet project, even though she probably has no interest in being saved from a promising future working in the laundry of the TX State Women’s Correctional Facility. You can almost see Tami-Joe Clark rubbing her hands together like Gargamel, plotting his next attempt to capture the Smurfs (the movie hits theaters this summer!)
Down in the ghetto, QB Princess and Blind Side Lite get frisky over doing the laundry in the front yard. She mentions how much of a dick her brother, Andre, is becoming. Blind Side Lite makes like it’s not a big deal because he has a boner, and asked where Auntie is. She’s out shopping, so he convinces her to go inside to bang, leaving her brothers in the yard unattended playing with the garden hose. There are entirely too many penis references in this scene, even for me, and I’m gay.
I hope he’s wearing a condom. The world doesn’t need another Trailer Park baby.
Next we check in over at the trailer park, where Toddlers and Tiaras Girl is watching her dad pack up his truck cab. She’s upset that he’s leaving her behind with his white trash wife and her dirty half-sibling. Apparently, her mom went off to work on a casino boat, and won’t be back for a while. T&T Girl pouts and whines while Dirt Road Trucker kisses Trailer Trash Wifey like they’re about to knock boots. Then he goes and kisses his daughter with his saliva drenched mouth, and she wipes it off her cheek looking like she’s about to hurl. I can only imagine the cornucopia of STD’s being passed around the dinner table here. Dirt Road Trucker leaves, but for the time being, T&T Girl is trapped.
Over in Coach Father Figure’s office, Small Town Loser is all cleaned up and interviewing for an assistant coaching position. He’s all fidgety and nervous, and Coach Father Figure isn’t very receptive. Small Town Loser sees that it’s not going well, so he breaks out the big guns. With moist eyes, he leans forward and lays out the truth – he RESPECTS Coach and what he stands for, and what with him being a new daddy and all, he LOOKS UP TO Coach and needs him to be his MENTOR, both in football and in life. I know that this is supposed to be a touching heartfelt moment, because that’s exactly the kind of man that Coach is. But damn, get your lips off of coach’s ass and wipe that shit off your nose! Recognizing that he’s been backed into a corner with an argument he can’t possibly refute, Coach cusses a bit and basically gives in.
Who needs an education or qualifications when you just brown-nose and beg! I’ll let you know it works on my next job interview.
Next, we check in with Ginger White Bread, who’s having a final practice with CRUCIFICTORIOUS. They sound amateurish and terrible. Quick, get them on X Factor! Ginger White Bread is all excited about their farewell show, so much so that he printed up lame flyers. Teenage Meredith Brooks fakes excitement, questioning whether the show is a good idea since he’s leaving for college the next day. But ain’t nothing’s gonna break his stride, ain’t nothing’s gonna slow him down. OH NO! It’s gonna be their biggest show yet, and he’s all about it. It’s gonna be so big, that drummer dork might actually get laid. The idea is so exciting, he jizzes in his pants.
Even Ugly Drummer knows his chances of getting laid are slim to none. And musicians ALWAYS get laid!
Booster Dick and Coach Father Figure take a casual stroll in the ghetto, walking up to a pick-up basketball game. Booster Dick has scouted a potential receiver and in case Coach isn’t sure who he’s talking about, Booster Dick clarifies, “he’s the white kid!” Excuse me while I laugh. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Based on the fact that he’s wearing a knit cap in the middle of August in Texas, and he’s playing street ball with all the black kids, I’m tempted to nickname him Vanilla Ice. But we soon learn that he’s more a hippie than a wiggah, so I’m going with Sunshine 2.0. The character’s name is Hastings Ruckle for anyone who needs to know.
“I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, if I had a girl who looked good, I would call her.”
Talking to him afterwards while he shoots free throws, Coach asks if he ever thought about trying out for football. Sunshine 2.0 responds in the negative, because then he’d have to contend with “a bunch of ‘roided up toolbags trying to hit him” and then he commits blasphemy and treason against the great state of TX. “Football’s stupid,” he says. Booster Dick laughs, and Coach gets pissed and initiates an iteration of the different viewpoints of what football is. According to Sunshine 2.0 it celebrates violence and aggression. According to Coach, it celebrates teamwork and character. According to me, it celebrates big burly men in very tight pants tackling each other. Very homoerotic, but that’s beside the point. Since Sunshine 2.0 can’t refute Coach’s assertion, he lamely says that he doesn’t like wearing a cup. So, he likes guys grabbing at his junk? NICE! Apparently, Sunshine is new in town, and Coach wisely points out that he’s in Texas now. “You love the game of football. You just don’t know it yet.” I guess if they were in San Francisco, the same could be said for anal sex?
The next morning, Coach Father Figure is cooking breakfast while Tami-Joe Clark is telling him about how messed up this Epic girl’s case file is, what with all the arrest reports. She’s a senior and hasn’t even seen a guidance councilor before. My guess, that’s because she’s spending all her time in juvie. Coach, who has problems of his own, doesn’t wanna hear it, reminding her that she’s not the BIG CHEESE anymore and she just has to follow the rules. Translation: we need the paycheck, so don’t get fired again! Her retort: Because stealing a basketball player is any better. Coach was fired, himself, not too long ago, if anyone remembers, although the firing came with an offer to coach the Red Storm, so that all worked out. Princess Angst shows up to remind Tami-Joe Clark that they need to go shopping for college stuff, and tries to get the credit card to do it herself. Princess Angst catches Coach looking at her, and asks what the look is all about. The heartfelt music signals a patented FNL Special Moment ™ and Coach Father Figure says, “I’m gonna miss this.” AWWWWWWWW! So he’s gonna miss her whiny mouthing off? I guess you always love your children, whether or not you can actually stand them.
Out on the football field, Small Town Loser is introducing himself to the team. As Coach is about to get practice started, he interrupts Coach to give a motivational speech. “If you can believe it, your mind can achieve it.” Words of wisdom courtesy of Ronnie Lott. The team applauds while Black Asst. Coach laughs and Gay Asst. Coach looks on with jealousy. Or lust. I can’t quite figure it out.
Is this supposed to help illustrate that Coach needs their help, or that he has a raging case of jock itch?
Practice starts, and Coach pulls Blind Side Lite and Hayseed Hottie over for a little chat. He needs help recruiting Sunshine 2.0, and he figures they can be more persuasive. He doesn’t care what they have to do, as long as they’re successful. If he learned anything from the Voodoo Tatum situation from back in season 1, plausible deniability is key. Coach needs to keep his hands clean on this one.
Those are a lot of files. Wouldn’t it be easier to let them fail? And with all the time you save, read TVGASM!
Inside the school, Tami-Joe Clark is chatting with Principal Downtrodden about her plans to save all the at-risk kids in the school—call all their parents and bring ‘em in for a meeting. Clearly she has no idea how things work on the poor side of town. Those parents don’t care, what with working 5 jobs, taking care of 5 other kids, and trying to not get killed in a drive-by. Principal Downtrodden tells her it’s not a good idea and Tami-Joe Clark doesn’t understand why not. He responds that it’s a matter of resources, as in, they don’t have any. Tami-Joe Clark tries to make the point that SHE is the resource here. SHE can do it all, oh, except she needs a phone that works. Principal Downtrodden confirms that the phone doesn’t work and then reiterates, RESOURCES. When the school can’t even afford to pay the phone bill, keeping kids out of juvie doesn’t seem as important, now does it?
This level of insanity isn’t going make kids want to be saved by you, Tami-Joe Clark, so much as throw you down a flight of stairs.
QB Princess and Blind Side Lite are at her family’s BBQ joint, where we learn that her dad has been MIA opening pulled pork franchises. She’s complaining about how her brother has been acting up, and how her dad’s supposed to be there for his family. Um, the last time I checked, that’s exactly what he’s doing. Unless you like being poor. Damn girl, get some perspective. Blind Side Lite invites her to a party over at Hayseed Hottie’s house that they’re throwing to get Sunshine 2.0 to join the football team. Her aunt offers to babysit the brats, giving her permission to go to the party. Suddenly, she’s all happy, and asks who the kid is they have to recruit. Blind Side Lite says that it’s not the punter, so she wouldn’t be interested, and she slaps him upside the head. Guess she doesn’t like to be reminded of her Ginger White Bread experiment.
BIFF! (what happens when you joke about an ex-boyfriend)
Speaking of Ginger White Bread, he goes over to the Saracen house to visit GRAMMA! and say goodbye. Rocking away in her lazy boy, GRAMMA! talks about how Wounded Puppy Dog calls her every week like a good grandkid, after Inside Edition. Does that show even exist anymore? They also talk about how quiet it is in the house now and how clean Wounded Puppy Dog’s room is. My heart immediately goes out to her, left behind with a generic nursemaid to keep her company. She must live for those weekly phone calls, at least in those brief moments of lucidity.
AWWWWWW!!! I miss my GRAMMA!
But other than Wounded Puppy Dog, they have nothing to else to talk about. The silence is awkward, and finally, Ginger White Bread gets up to leave. GRAMMA! stands up to give him a hug and wishes him well at college. She hugs him close, saying he’s a good boy. I’d make a dog joke here, but this is a pretty significant moment since she originally didn’t like Ginger White Bread back when the series began. Dammit, what’s this wet stuff coming out of my eyes? Ginger White Bread relieves some of the seriousness of the moment by joking with the nurse to watch out for GRAMMA! sneaking out to the dance hall. GRAMMA! laughs good naturedly and it’s all really sweet. She stops Ginger White Bread before he leaves to encourage him to stick with his music. She listens to CRUCIFICTORIOUS all the time on her “MP Player” (I guess Sony and Apple passed on the product placement opportunity), but she grabs her blood pressure sleeve instead. Moment of lucidity is over. Sad kitty….
Your songs have a great beat, but they all sound the same. You might wanna work on that.
Over at the trailer park, Toddlers and Tiaras Girl is feeding the fussy half sibling when White Trash Wifey comes in from the back bedroom smoking a cigarette and drinking what looks like scotch.
Your daddy gave me herpes, so I’ll smoke and drink all I want.
The double wide is dark and grimy, and White Trash Wifey immediately starts laying in on T&T Girl, saying she cut the food too big and she’s doing it all wrong. T&T Girl gives it back, saying that she shouldn’t smoke around the kid, putting the half smoked butt out in the ashtray. I’m surprised White Trash Wifey doesn’t yell at her about how much cigarettes cost these days, because I spend more for cigarettes every week than I do for groceries. Sad, I know. White Trash Wifey shoots T&T Girl a nasty look and says that they don’t need her help. Damn, this woman is a bitch who clearly resents her presence. If I had to guess, with T&T Girl there, White Trash Wifey can’t have the UPS guy make his daily “special deliveries.” If I were Dirt Road Trucker, I’d call up Morey Povitch to find out if HE. IS. THE. FATHER.
It’s dinnertime, and we head over to Coach’s house for Taylor Family Fun Night. Tami-Joe Clark is on the phone with a parent declining her invitation for a friendly parent/teacher conference. I don’t know why she sounds so disappointed. Didn’t Principal Downtrodden warn her that this was going to happen? Some people never learn. Finally, she hangs up and excitedly brings her homemade cobbler over to the table. At this point, Princess Angst pipes in, saying she needs to bounce or she’ll miss Ginger White Bread’s show. When she points out that she’s participated in family bonding time for an hour and a half already, Tami-Joe Clark gets miffed, accusing Princess Angst of watching the time throughout dinner. She gets up to leave, and Coach gets a little angry, asking why she can’t stay for 15 more minutes for dessert. With one final firm but passive aggressive jab, Princess Angst says that she’s been a good daughter, and now she needs to be a good friend, sugarcoating it with an “I appreciate dinner” and “I love you.” Tami-Joe Clark and Coach Father Figure can only sit there and look at each other in disappointment and annoyance. Learn from your mistakes, because Gracie Bell (aka Baby Taylor) hits puberty in about 10 years or so, and they get to relive it all over again.
Good thing Princess Angst showed up. Otherwise, the turnout would be embarrassing. Oh, wait… yep, still embarrassing.
Princess Angst makes it to the club (?) where Ginger White Bread’s band is playing… for 12 people! HAHAHAHA! One of ‘em is even wearing a band shirt. Are we really supposed to believe that this sucky band has enough fans to warrant making and selling t-shirts? In about a year, all the Starvin’ Marvins in Africa will all be rocking the latest in CRUCIFICTORIOUS fashion, courtesy of Babette (aka Sally Struthers) and the Christian Children’s Fund. It’s sad… they were only about to get a dozen people at their show… during the summer…. In Texas, where there’s nothing else to do. LAME!
It’s so good when it touches your lips!
But we soon find out where all the people are. Hayseed Hottie’s Farm-Aid Summer Bash! Dance music blares while kids take keg stands. It must be too hot for an ice luge. Sign me up for the next game of beer-pong. If I were there, I’d be plying Hayseed Hottie with as much alcohol as possible, hoping to get him to the point of borderline passing out so that I could cop a feel without getting beaten up. Speaking of Hayseed, he’s talking up Sunshine 2.0 about how Coach Father Figure is a WINNER and if he plays for them, he’ll get noticed. Since he hasn’t shown even the tiniest bit of interest in football, he’s probably just there to bang some sloppy drunk sophomore (boy or girl, we’re not quite sure yet) with self esteem issues. Sunshine 2.0 points out the team’s losing record from last season and questions the whole WINNER argument. Given the rumors that CBS is hiring Charlie Sheen back, I’m surprised Sunshine 2.0 hasn’t jumped on the bandwagon already.
I love bacon, too, but this is just going too far.
Hayseed Hottie’s backup plan – bestiality? 600lb Red Storm Lineman, Tinker, is out in the ranch’s pig pen with the family heifer, Maribelle, and the crowd is chanting KISS HER! I’m wondering why FNL is resorting to interracial bestiality (since the pig is clearly Caucasian). Is this what teens in Texas do at parties nowadays? Is this the next generation’s version of cow tipping? Tinker gets a kiss in on the pig and I throw up in my mouth a little as the crowd goes wild. Seriously, pigs roll around in shit. And now that shit is on Tink’s lips. GROSS! At this point, Blind Side Lite has seen enough, so he sends in QB Princess to seal the deal with Sunshine 2.0.
She walks up to him, and admits that she’s supposed to use her Girl Charm ™ with him and turn him on just enough to get him to want to join the football team.
Girl Charm ™ (luckily, I’m immune)
Flirting isn’t her style. She comes right out and asks what his deal is. His response? The guys are making him all sweaty! Point goes to Team Homosexual! YES!!! QB Princess is confused, however, because there are no gay people in Texas. Sunshine clarifies that he means “stressed out.” RIIIIIGHT!!! He lays down the hippie crap with the whole, “I’m a free spirit” bullshit. QB Princess digests his verbal diarrhea and then calls him a coward, and I have to give the girl props. Talk about bulls-eye. Hitting the nail right on the head. BINGO! Sunshine 2.0 takes the questioning of his manhood in stride, but you know that one word just changed his mind and the Red Storm now have their new star wide receiver.
The effects of Girl Charm ™ (jury’s still out as to whether Sunshine 2.0 is immune or not)
And suddenly, Blind Side Lite is questioning is employment of Girl Charm ™
Princess Angst and Ginger White Bread convene outside of the Alamo Freeze (former workplace of Wounded Puppy Dog and the Smash) to reminisce. It looks like they’re drinking beer, but I really can’t confirm. I guess it could be root beer. Are there any beverages sold in brown glass bottles other than beer? If so, they’re mighty casual taking part in underage drinking out in the open like this.
BUD. WISE. ERRRRRRRRRR!
Does Texas have an open container law? I’m so confused, but it’s not important. What IS important is they talk about how much they’re gonna miss the old times. Ginger White Bread says he always thought that his farewell from Dillon would be more EPIC than the Alamo Freeze. See, even he’s disappointed with the turnout at his show. Princess Angst has an idea, though….
It’s 10pm. Do you know where your children are? The answer: STRIP CLUB! Ok, so underage drinking in public wasn’t enough? HOW THE HELL DID THEY GET INTO A STRIP CLUB?!?!?!? I know that they both hung with Ex-Slut, whose sister, Stripper Wife, used to work at this place, cheekily called the Landing Strip. But seriously? Suddenly, Ginger White Bread is piss drunk, and Princess Angst is sitting back, watching him get a lap dance. A stripper is grinding up on him, and he’s in that stage of drunk where you get all emotional, and everything is wonderful. But now that she’s gotten him liquored up with a girl working his joystick for dollar bills, she’s done and going home. They share a sweet goodbye surrounded by half naked women and dozens of erections. Princess Angst makes sure he saves enough money for a cab home, and leaves him to get fleeced out of whatever cash he’s got left.
You want me to put my WHAT in WHERE? Don’t worry, Ginger White Bread, I get the same look on my face whenever I see a vagina, too.
When Princess Angst gets home, Coach Father Figure is in the living room “watching game film.” She says he didn’t have to wait up for her, but he says that he wanted to. Because he’s gonna really hate it late at night when he has no idea where she is or what she’s doing at college. She says good night, but before she goes to bed, he wants to her to follow him out to the garage. I know what’s coming, and my heart melts a little. They’re gonna play one last game of ping pong, which is an homage to the episode back in season one or two when Tami-Joe Clark wanted him to talk to Princess Angst about boys and having sex. That was an awesome scene, and so is this one. While they’re looking for the paddles, Princess Angst finds her Girl Scout sash, and Coach Father Figure says he’s gonna miss getting sick eating several dozen boxes of thin mints with her. But he doesn’t say “thin mints” because the Girl Scouts are too cheap to pay for a plug here, as well. As corny as this scene is right here, it still comes across as genuine. And this is why I love this show. Coach Father Figure and Princess Angst have one last championship ping pong match before she heads off to college.
Where are the red cups full of beer?
Suddenly, it’s game day, and the bus is waiting. Coach and his staff are a little worried, but Sunshine 2.0 comes out of the gym, basketball coach in tow begging him not to play football. Sunshine 2.0 doesn’t see why he can’t play both, and Coach Father Figure wisely says that he CAN play both, after the playoffs are over. Basketball Douche questions whether the football team will even make the playoffs, and Small Town Loser gets all up in his grill. Don’t you know this is the last season of this show? Of course they’re gonna make the playoffs. Don’t these people know how Hollywood works by now? Geeze. Blind Side Lite leans out the window of the bus, calling for Sunshine 2.0 to just get on the bus. They start chanting his name, and after some final consideration, he gets on the bus.
Radio announcer/narrator returns to heighten the drama, letting us know that team they’re playing is the reigning state champions. The question isn’t whether the Red Storm can win. Can they even compete? We’re about to find out folks.
Immediately, we see the Other Team throw a touchdown, and a quick look up at the scoreboard lets us know that TD’s are 14 points now (or the Other Team scored a 2nd TD when we weren’t looking). Other team’s QB goes back to pass again, and another TD is scored. I’m not sure if the score is now 21-0 or we’ve just witnessed an editing error. More to follow.
We’re not supposed to lose! Don’t you know this is the show’s final season?
The Red Storm have the ball, and Blind Side Lite takes the snap. The pass is incomplete, and the Red Storm are in serious trouble right about now. A 2nd down pass isn’t any more successful, and Blind Side Lite has to scramble away from the defense, only to throw another incomplete pass. They run the same play again, but this time, 3rd time’s the charm. Only Blind Side Lite just runs the ball down the field and scores a TD! YAAAAAAAY!!!
It’s now the 2nd quarter, and the Lions are down by 3 scores. Which means that the score should be 28-7? This doesn’t make sense, but it’s all edited for TV. Let’s just run with it. The Other Team has the ball, but their pass is intercepted, and #24 (random Red Storm player) is running it back. There’s one more player to beat, and Hayseed Hottie comes up to make a huge block on the Other Team’s QB, allowing #24 to go in for another TD! YAAAAAAAAY!!! Unfortunately for the Other Team, the player Hayseed Hottie blocked is injured. Oh well. At least he’s not paralyzed. Coach Father Figure’s team is starting to gel, folks, but is it too late for them to win?
Meanwhile, at the concession stand, QB Princess’ brother throws a tantrum over the size of his popcorn. I guess he hasn’t hit puberty yet. Kid, you’re black. Chances are good that your corn cob is gonna get bigger and pop aplenty. Just give it time. The kid runs into a big black lady in line behind them, and she yells at QB Princess to get control of her damn son. QB Princess yells back this he ain’t her damn son! I’m sure she won’t forget to make Blind Side Lite wear a condom again. She asks her kid brother what his problem is, and he responds that she isn’t his mom. That’s his problem. This should be a touching moment, but the kid is so fucking whiny and childish that I don’t care. Spank the bitch, QB Princess!
When we go back to the game, it’s the 3rd quarter, and the score is, indeed 28-14. The Other Team’s star QB is on the sidelines wearing a sling. We soon see that Other Team doesn’t have a Wounded Puppy Dog on the bench, because the kid immediately gets sacked and fumbles the ball. The Red Storm recover the ball and run it back for a TD! YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
That’s more like it! I smell a Coach Father Figure’s 4th Quarter Miracle ™ brewing!
We fast forward to LATE IN THE 4TH QUARTER. The Red Storm are still down by 7, and Blind Side Lite is back to throwing incomplete passes. Time is running out, and I’m waiting for Coach Father Figure’s 4th Quarter Miracle ™. Sunshine 2.0 approaches Coach Father Figure. He used to play basketball with one of the kids on the other team, and he knows that he can jump higher than him. Suddenly, Coach has an idea, and they scramble to piece together a play. Without a single practice and having no idea how to run a play, Sunshine 2.0 goes into the game. In the huddle, the Red Storm try to instruct him on what to do. Hayseed Hottie, gives the best advice, “See the ball… catch it.” He doesn’t even know how to line up for the play, but Blind Side Lite snaps the ball, and off they go. Sunshine runs to the end zone, and Blind Side Lite scrambles for the throw. Finally, he puts the ball in the air, and based purely on the fact that he can jump high, he catches a TD pass that puts them one point away from a tie!!!!!!!!!!
God Bless white football pants! YUMMY!
And because there’s no overtime in scripted broadcast drama, Coach Father Figure decides to go for the 2 point conversion and the win, instead of kicking the field goal for the tie, like every other coach at every other level in the entire universe of the sport of football. Blind Side Lite fakes a pass to Sunshine 2.0, because that’s what the defense is clearly expecting, and hands the ball off to Hayseed Hottie who dives into the end zone for the win! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! The Red Storm go 1-0 to start the season. To begin their improbable march to the TX state championship?
What’s up with #40? You just beat the reigning TX State Champions. Show a little excitement!
After the big win, Tami-Joe Clark is hunkered down in her office, getting stood up for a parent/teacher conference. She admits to Principal Downtrodden that she’s had 4 no-shows, and she’s feeling a little bit discouraged. Not to worry folks, every classic teacher/savior has their own person crisis of confidence: Edward James Olmos in Stand and Deliver, Morgan Freeman in Lean on Me, Michele Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, Hilary Swank in Freedom Writers, Sidney Poitier in To Sir With Love, Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act II: Back in the Habit…. She’ll get her mojo back. Principal Downtrodden even takes a break from gloating to give her a little pep talk, saying he gets enough of discouragement around here. Keep deluding yourself, Tami-Joe Clark! Eventually, you might luck into doing something right!
Saving troubled youth or playing Farmville? I often have the same dilemma on a daily basis at work.
Over the Trailer Park, Toddlers and Tiaras Girl overhears White Trash Wifey on the phone bitching to Dirt Road Trucker about how late she was out last night, presumably at Hayseed Hottie/Almost Baby Daddy’s party. She’s sick and tired of being responsible for his mostly responsible and generally helpful, albeit whiny pageant teen. She’s washing out her cereal bowl, for chrissakes! She’s probably doing all the cooking and cleaning too. I can’t wait for her kid to grow up, get pregnant at 14, and fuck up your lazy life, bitch.
Over at QB Princess’ house, everyone’s watching football on a really small, poor person’s TV when Bratty Brother grabs a Little Debbie snack cake before lunch. When QB Princess tells him to put it back, he throws a tantrum and tosses the moon pie into her lap and storms outside. I’m surprised he doesn’t stomp his feet on the way out, because he’s acting worse than my 4 year old nephew when he doesn’t get his way. QB Princess wants to go out and yell at him, when Blind Side Lite tells her that he’ll take care of it.
What is this? The ABC Afterschool Special? Beat the crap out of the punk and he’ll stop acting up.
He goes outside and sits down next to him on the ground, and they have a man to man talk about their dad being gone. Blind Side Lite can relate to Bratty Brother’s anger because his dad is gone too, only he’s in jail. He points out that their dad’s off making money to provide for his family, and now, as the oldest boy, he’s gotta step up and be the man of the house. Like Blind Side Lite did last season when picked up is crack addicted mom off the couch and participated in illegal gang related activities to get the money to put her into rehab. Basically, in the nicest, most inspirational way possible, he tells Bratty Brother to grow the fuck up and be a man.
Small Town Loser is at home watching drag racing when we see Toddlers and Tiaras Girl knock on the open screen door. She asks for a place to stay, and explains her horrible living situation over in the trailer park. She’s on the verge of tears, and basically begs to live with them because Texas Forever told her before he went into the clink that she could count on them if she ever needed anything. Looks like she’s taking him up on that offer, and Small Town Loser takes her inside to set her up in Texas Forever’s old room.
Running away from home only works when you’re 5 and your parents care about you.
Stripper Wife, in the meantime, stands by looking none-too-pleased by this latest development. I just sit back and laugh at the irony. T&T Girl goes from one non-home with a pissed off wife/new mother resenting having to take care of her, to another. Poor girl, all she wants is a family. If she hadn’t had the abortion, she could be living with Hayseed Hottie over at the farm right now with a baby of her own and a shot to get on MTV’s Teen Mom.
I SEE RECAPPERS!
And finally, the episode ends back at the Taylor driveway, as Coach Father Figure and Tami-Joe Clark are packing up Princess Angst’s car and sending her off to college. I’ll ask it again. WHY ARE THEY NOT HELPING HER MOVE IN? Like every other parent with a college bound kid in this country?!?!?! Then I remember, the production budget is probably stretched too thin, and they already had to pay for a pig. Heartfelt goodbyes are said, tears are shed, and hugs are exchanged. Coach Father Figure hands her an envelope, presumably filled with cash, “for emergencies,” and they send her on her way. Princess Angst finally gets into the car, and drives off. Coach and Tami-Joe Clark console each other as the episode cuts to credits.
I’d gladly become an angst-ridden teenage girl to have Coach Father Figure hold me like that.
So, what did y’all think? Despite some questionable choices in storytelling and some truly laughable moments, I thought this was a pretty strong episode. FNL does the quiet moments really well, like Ginger White Bread’s goodbye to GRAMMA! and the championship ping pong game. It was really tough seeing Texas Forever in prison, clearly feeling defeated. And I really like the idea of the Red Storm being contenders this season, even if they would have lost this game in real life. If you’ve seen this season on DirecTV already, try to avoid spoilers in the comments. And please bear with me, because I know I can be a bit wordy. See y’all next week.