*** Programming note: FNL is being preempted this week so that NBC can air Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals. ***
The stupidity gene lives in all of us. For men, it’s located in the penis, and it’s activated every 18 seconds when we think about sex. For women, it’s located in the adrenal glands, and its activated every time an emotion is felt. But it’s one of the few things that men and women have in common—the proclivity for thinking, saying and doing stupid things. Cheating on a lover or spouse, uttering inappropriate and offensive remarks in sensitive company, trying to use that electronic sex toy in the shower. We’ve all been there, and next to baseball, our national pastime has become laughing at other people’s expense for the stupid things they do, and TVGASM is our field of play. Don’t believe me? Just watch any reality series on TV, or anything broadcast on TruTV. On this week’s FNL, the planets align, and just about every character exhibits varying degrees of stupidity. (For a breakdown of the nicknames used in this recap, go here: http://www.tvgasm.com/recaps/pre-cap-friday-night-lights/ )
All that’s missing are the swimming pool and Heather Locklear.
Our episode opens in the ghetto’s equivalent of Melrose Place, where a living room has been transported outside underneath a covered patio in the projects. People have gathered to watch Blind Side Lite’s interview on the local news. Personally, I wonder why they went through all the trouble of running electricity and moving a TV, couches and tables outside to watch what amounts to a 30 second clip. Couldn’t they have just had the party inside and saved themselves all the energy, sweat and ensuing body odor?
I thought everyone in the ghetto had stolen plasma TVs? Where did this relic come from?
When the segment airs, it immediately becomes apparent that Blind Side Lite’s interview amounted to nothing more than auto-fellatio, spending the entire time bragging about HIS abilities, and HIS accomplishments, and HIS leadership. Where have we seen that type of arrogance and bravado before? I’ll give you a hint. He dabbled in steroids before Coach Father Figure straightened is stupid ass out, helping him recover from an injury so that he could get that coveted college scholarship and get kicked by my BFF in the ocean last summer. Blind Side Lite is transforming into Smash Williams v2.0 before our very eyes.
Everyone cheers for Blind Side Lite, but he notices that QB Princess has a sourpuss look on her face. She points out that all he did was talk about himself the whole time, failing to mention his teammates. Blind Side Lite pulls a Sarah Palin, blaming the liberal elite media for cutting the interview to make him look that way. Deadbeat Dad steps in to lighten the mood and feed his kid’s growing ego, calling his boy the star of the team. Blind Side Lite and Deadbeat Dad share a ghetto hand slap/fist pump while QB Princess says whatever and walks away.
Not watching the interview are Hayseed Hottie and T&T Girl. Instead, they’re snuggled up on his bed, engaging in some tender kissing. I’ve studied this scene thoroughly (to accurately describe it to you, readers, of course!), and it’s very sweet. At no point does he get handsy with her, nor does he try to advance to 2nd or even 3rd base. He’s a perfect gentleman (that we see), but that doesn’t stop T&T Girl from pretending to hear someone coming home. He assures her that they’re alone with his parents out buying tractors. He kisses her again, and she puts her hand back on his neck, pulling him into her.
But almost immediately, she drops the act and rolls out from underneath him, saying that she can’t do this. I half expect her to say it’s not you, it’s me. T&T Girl puts on her boots, grabs her things, and kisses him goodbye. And Hayseed Hottie is left behind looking frustrated and sad. At least Blind Side Lite got cock blocked by peeping toms instead of the ghost of an aborted fetus.
Over at the Taylor household, they’re enjoying some family time assembling a new tricycle for Gracie Bell when they’re interrupted by the doorbell. Princess Angst gets up and answers the door, and who should be standing there but none other than a forlorn looking TA Tweed Jacket.
Showing up unannounced was a good idea, right?
Princess Angst asks what they hell he’s doing there. With his fists pushed way down in his pockets and his shoulders slumped, he apologizes, saying he didn’t know what else to do. She won’t return his calls or emails and he needs to talk to her.
It’s just a bunch of Mormon missionaries, Dad. I’ll get rid of them. Go back to what you were doing. No, seriously, don’t come here.
She tells him that he needs to go, mainly because her parents are there. Just then, Coach Father Figure’s voice can be heard in the background asking who’s at the door. TA Tweed Jacket is frozen in place, asking (stupidly) if that was her dad. As she’s confirming the obvious, Coach Father Figure comes to the door asking what this random dude wants.
TA Tweed Jacket introduces himself as Princess Angst’s TA/married lover, imploring to talk to her for 5 minutes. Fresh off his screaming match with Blind Side Lite at the end of last week’s episode, this isn’t the time to poke at a sleeping giant. Coach Father Figure tells him to GET THE FUCK OUT, and wielding the handle bars from the unassembled tricycle for intimidation, he physically backs him away from their doorstep and chases him back to his car, and it’s a wonder how he held himself back from taking a swing at his head.
Can tricycle handlebars be considered a deadly weapon?
Coach bangs on the car as TA scrambles to get in. When he finally pulls away from the curb, Coach manages to get a well timed and accurate swing in, taking out TA Tweed’s tail light in the process. AWESOME!!!
In the locker room before practice, the shenanigans are in full force. Hayseed Hottie mocks Blind Side Lite’s conceit in the interview, kissing his biceps and saying he threw the ball to himself, caught the TD himself, and knocked the extra point through the uprights himself with his gold plated schlong. HAHAHA!!!
What happened to walking on fire for your brothers? Bet you wish you didn’t brand yourself now, huh?
Playing the part of the reporter, Sunshine 2.0 goes up to an embarrassed looking QB Princess, asking what it’s like to be the star’s girlfriend. She tries to laugh it off, telling them they need to cut it out. But they continue with the act and Blind Side Lite suddenly appears in the background, watching them make fun of him. Luckily, he plays it off as jokes, trying to sell them on the fact that the rest of the team was cut out of the interview. He completes the transformation into Smash Williams, saying they even cut out the part where he ran over one of the Evil Empire’s players. Sunshine 2.0 says that he’s been getting a lot of air time lately, and Blind Side Lite asks how could he not with a face like his. Meanwhile, everyone leaves him behind in the locker room.
You love me, right? I’m a superstah! Come on, guys! Where y’all going?
And QB Princess is still standing there looking embarrassed, only this time, she’s embarrassed for him.
Cut to a full on cat fight in the hallways between Chica Precious (remember her?) and Vagina George. Looks like Chica Precious is in for another suspension. What could those two possibly have been fighting about? What, was Vagina George trying to steal Chica Precious’ man now? Does she even have a man?
I bet she totally deserved it, but still.
Principal Downtrodden rushes in to pull the two apart, and Tami-Joe Clark is not too far behind. Back in her office, Tami-Joe Clark wants to know why Chica Precious was fighting, especially since she’s been doing so well with her grades and stuff. I guess that’s why up until now, she’s been pretty much MIA. She deflects, saying that Vagina George started it. Tami-Joe Clark reads directly from the anger management pamphlet she got from Emma Pillsbury’s office, telling her that she has to fight the urge if she gets “irked.” Tami-Joe Clark is on her side forever more, because that’s what friends are for. Chica apologizes, and then asks if Tami-Joe Clark is gonna finish her lunch. Tami-Joe pushes the rest of her sandwich across the desk and Chica chows down like she hasn’t eaten in a week. Uh oh… Tami-Joe now has another reason to try to save this particular At-Risk Youth.
I got the idea from watching Glee. If the choreography to Single Ladies could help them win….
Shenanigans continue out on the field as Small Town Loser leads the team in a weird chant/dance. Old Coach confronts him about it, saying they only have 30 minutes to run defensive drills. Small Town Loser acts all proud, explaining that it’s a pre-game Samoan war dance to get the other teams psyched out before games. Old Coach gets annoyed, calling an end to dance practice. But the players are already over-stimulated, and suddenly, Lil Dick is lying on the ground in pain.
Guess your constipation dance wasn’t such a good idea, now was it?
No one knows what happened, but he needs to be carried off the field. Yeah, that promotion Small Town Loser was hoping for… good luck with that now.
Suddenly, Booster Dick is helping his son out of a wheelchair at the emergency room. By the cast on his foot and the crutches, we know it’s bad. Booster Dick exposits that it’s a hairline fracture, asking WTF is a Samoan war dance, and why the fuck was he doing it the first place? Lil Dick doesn’t feel good, and asks to sit down.
BEST. CASTING. EVER!
What, they didn’t give him any painkillers? Or have they not kicked in yet? Booster Dick turns the screws even more by pointing out that they’re in the middle of an undefeated season, and he got injured not even playing football. Lil Dick tells his dad, on the verge of tears, that he knows. Booster Dick cuts him some slack, putting his arm around his boy and saying they can just sit there. I feel really bad for Lil Dick. He was finally starting to get his shit on track.
Tami-Joe Clark is hunkered down in her office plotting her next righteous action, when TA Tweed Jacket shows up for a chat. She starts to say that she doesn’t want to talk to him. He interrupts her to apologize, but she doesn’t want to hear it, trying to get him to leave. But our TA Tweed Jacket is a persistent bugger. He drops the bomb that he resigned from his job (more likely forced to resign after the gossip of the melodrama spread all over campus), and he thinks he can convince Princess Angst to go back to school. Suddenly, Tami-Joe Clark is interested, asking how he plans to do that. Instead of providing details, he talks about how smart her daughter is and how he couldn’t live with himself if she dropped out. Tami-Joe Clark points him in the direction of the nearest bridge and advises him to jump, since Princess Angst has all but dropped out already.
I’m not amused, and I’m gonna strike this awkward pose to prove it.
He insists on making things right, pleading for an opportunity to talk to Princess Angst. Tami-Joe Clarks responds that she appreciates his time, effectively kicking him to the curb. He thanks her and leaves while she ponders the options before her. Agree to a “meeting” and risk another hook up, or pretend he never came by. Maybe we’ll get lucky, and she’ll arrange a supervised meeting that will be interrupted by Coach, who proceeds to beat the shit out him. With everything that Coach is going through, he needs a punching bag really badly.
Meanwhile, Stripper Wife and the White Trash Pussycat Dolls (Redundant? Discuss.) are enjoying some girl time in her living room.
My kid just went down for a nap. Time to get blasted!
They toast with their margaritas, and Stripper Wife asks what T&T Girl is doing. She reveals that she’s trying to decide if she wants to do a pageant, and immediately, I’m like YES PLEASE! And can Makenzie please guest star, going berserk when Baby Riggins steals her NIII NIII while Juana confesses unconvincingly to the camera that her daughter is a handful, but her personality shines through on stage because she’s the total package and they’re gonna sashay their way to the crown? That would just make my life so much happier!
I’m going for Prettiest Face. Think I’ll win?
T&T Girl explains the process, but the strippers can only focus on the bling. This particular pageant comes with a tiara AND a Chrysler Sebring. UM… you might wanna read the fine print, because I’d be willing to bet that it’s one of those motorized kiddie cars, and not the real thing. Stripper Wife decides for her that they’re gonna be doing the pageant. T&T Girl points out that the pageant is in Wichita Falls, and immediately, the strippers are all like, ROAD TRIP! But if all the strippers are away at T&T Girl’s pageant, who will entertain the perverts of Dillon? I guess that’s not important.
Also going on a road trip will be Blind Side Lite and Deadbeat Dad. They’re having breakfast with a scout from Oklahoma Tech, who is inviting them to campus for an UNOFFICIAL visit. Emphasis on the unofficial part of it, because then it’d be illegal.
Shhhhh. This is the Unofficial Pre-Unofficial Visit.
It’s all a gray area if you ask me, and I wonder if this shit goes on in real life. The dude is an alumnus of the school and rich enough to have the building named after him. He tries to downplay his influence, but he “happens to know” that Blind Side Lite is their #1 recruit. He paints an irresistible picture for him, saying he could soon be leading the #1 rated offense in the Big 12, taking Oklahoma Tech to a BCS National Championship. Deadbeat Dad and Blind Side Lite forget about their eggs and grits, eating this guy’s bullshit up with a spoon instead.
Over at the Taylor household, Tami-Joe Clark confesses to Princess Angst that TA Tweed Jacket paid her a visit. Princess Angst does her best Angela Chase OH SHIT! look, asking what he said and swearing that she didn’t ask him to come. Tami-Joe Clark says that doesn’t matter, advising her daughter to end things with him and go back to school. Too bad she doesn’t know that the last time she tried to end it, she had sex with him instead. Then again, she showed up to his apartment late at night and drunk off her ass, so it’s not as if she really tried to end things so much as get laid again.
At Oklahoma Tech, Unofficial Visit Dude escorts two lovely young ladies into his office, explaining that they’ll be his unofficial tour guides. And he’s being an unofficial pimp in the process.
Whore Guides is more like it.
The girls flank Blind Side Lite as they head out, touring the school’s fitness center and a recreational swimming pool on campus, where students are sun bathing and playing volleyball in the water.
How why aren’t these almost naked co-eds on the cover of the Oklahoma Tech’s recruitment literature?
They marvel at all the hot young ladies clad only in bikinis, and Deadbeat Dad comments that he should have gone to college. HAHAHAHA!!! Yeah, ok. What would his major been? Organic chemistry, so that he could cook up the highest grade crack? Entrepreneurship, so that he could sell the crack? Civil engineering, so that he could build his own run down ghetto? Liberal Arts, so that he could spout poetry on a street corner, panhandling for change? Unofficial Visit Dude tells him that it’s never too late. I think he’ll have his hands full trying to ride his son’s coattails, though, feasting off sloppy seconds and aspiring Baby Mammas.
Hayseed Hottie comes up behind T&T Girl at her locker, inviting her go with him to a party Tinker is throwing for the players and rally girls. T&T Girl turns him down explaining that she’s babysitting Baby Riggins, but Hayseed Hottie has had his fill of rejection. He reiterates just how much he likes her and tells her to let him know when she’s ready to go out. Phone, e-mail, text, postcard, Hedwig, she can choose the method of communication. It appears that he’s done pursuing her, leaving her in his dust to look after him with a tinge of regret.
At the Landing Strip, Stripper Wife navigates her way through a bunch of empty tables with a wad of cash in her hand. I hope she’s coming back from a very lucrative lap dance in the champagne room because she’s not making any money working the pole for the three other dudes in the place. In the back room, the stringy haired blond stripper is sewing rhinestones onto T&T Girl’s full glitz dress.
This face isn’t gonna win you any awards, unless it’s from me for BEST EYEROLL!
She worries that it might be too much, revealing the producers’ inadequate research into kiddie pageants. Haven’t they ever heard of the beauty pageant mantra, GO BIG OR GO HOME! I don’t think they’re giving away cars at natural pageants. Blond Stripper knows the deal, saying that she can’t win if they can’t see her. She asks if her boyfriend is going to the pageant, and T&T Girl says that he has a football party to go to. Blond Stripper tells her that when she wins, she needs to sneak into his bedroom wearing only her tiara. Spoken like a true whore. And speaking of, Stripper Wife agrees with a much emphasized, “HELL YEAH!”
T&T Girl suddenly gets weird, admitting that she’s only had sex with Hayseed Hottie once. The Pussycat Dolls assure her that the sex gets way better, but T&T Girl is in full-on self-pity mode, telling them that she got pregnant and she didn’t keep the baby. Her voice cracks and her eyes well up with tears, and Stripper Wife looks on with concern.
Thanks for bringing up your abortion, party pooper!
T&T Girl cry-talks that she likes Hayseed a lot, but she can’t get over the fact that she lost her virginity in the his truck. She says, “Who does that?!?!?!” And one by one, all three of them raise their hands. It doesn’t really make her feel better, because really, look at them. I doubt her dreams for the future include being a stripper, although it is a valid and lucrative way to make cash money. T&T Girl wishes she could just start over with Hayseed, without the awkward truck sex and resulting pregnancy. Stripper Wife, proving why I loving this character so much, goes from trashy to terrific in an instant. She tells T&T Girl that life is gonna throw a bunch of crap at her, and all she can do is put it in the past and leave it there. Now there’s a sentiment perfect for a needlepoint pillow. Brilliantly stated and perfect for the moment. Or, as Blond Stripper suggests, you could drink a lot! T&T Girl laughs through the tears like it was a great joke. But I think she was being serious. Numb the pain in alcohol… now there’s a life lesson to take to heart.
Back at practice, Coach Father Figure starts interrogating QB Princess to find out why Blind Side Lite wasn’t in school and why he’s not at practice. She doesn’t know where he is.
He’s definitely not in Oklahoma right now on an “unofficial” recruiting visit. I swear!
She thought he was sick, but when she called his house, no one answered. Coach just looks at her, and finally, she meekly makes eye contact. And they proceed to have a full conversation without saying a word. She’s protecting Blind Side Lite somehow, and Coach knows that something bad is going on. Finally, he tells her to have him get in touch when she sees him.
At that precise moment, Blind Side Lite is walking out onto the field in the Oklahoma Tech stadium with Deadbeat Dad and Unofficial Visit Dude. The music swells in the background, but I don’t feel the sense of wonder or joy that it’s supposed to convey. Instead, I can’t shake the massive sense of foreboding I’m feeling about this whole underhanded business.
I don’t think you want that dude standing there snapping photos of your “unofficial visit,” but maybe I’m just being paranoid.
Unofficial Visit Dude talks up the atmosphere in the stadium on game days and invites them and their family to attend the next Sooners game with him in his luxury box. Blind Side Lite and Deadbeat Dad giddily accept the offer. They ask to tour the locker room, and he says that he has to take care of some business first. The team is running out onto the field for practice, and Unofficial Visit Dude approaches the head coach. The two of them proceed to have a conversation about how much they want Blind Side Lite as if he isn’t 5 feet away from them listening to every ego stroking word of it.
If you bend the rules any further, you’ll have a fucking pretzel!
They want him to commit to OT really badly, but it’s between him and another recruit. The first one to give them a verbal commitment gets the offer. The whole things reeks of a set up, but it’s clear that Deadbeat Dad and Blind Side Lite are so drunk on the attention that they can’t see the forest for the trees.
Tami-Joe Clark is pulling out of the school parking lot when she spies Chica Precious stepping up to three dudes, saying she can take on all three of em.
That dude looks 12. I could probably take him, too.
It’s only a matter of time before she gets expelled, or beaten up, or worse. Unless Tami-Joe Clark manages to SAVE HER! She pulls the car over, and shouts for Chica Precious to get in the car with her. Chica ignores Tami-Joe Clark’s scolding, instead asking for some of her chips. And ignoring the posted signs to NOT feed the zoo animals, Tami decides to get her some food. Over some random take out, Tami-Joe Clark asks why she always seems to be hungry. Chica blames it on her foster home, saying the woman taking care of her has too many foster kids, and she spends the money on herself instead. Tami gets all emotional and sympathetic, saying she can’t imagine what that’s like, fighting with the other “boys” over what little food is available to them. She suggests calling Social Services on her behalf, and Chica flips her shit, begging her not to.
If they take me away from you, who will I manipulate to get me out of trouble and buy me food?
Because they’ll blame her for making trouble, and this foster home isn’t as bad as some of the others. I guess hunger IS preferable to sexual abuse. Tami tries to assert that she doesn’t have to live that way, but Chica is adamant that they’ll take her away. “And I won’t get to see you anymore!” Whoa! *Emotional Manipulation Alert* I was buying the whole Woe Is Me routine there up until that moment.
Back from Oklahoma, Blind Side Lite is raving to QB Princess about his “unofficial” campus visit, babbling about the campus’ 5 swimming pools and the Xbox they have in the locker room for the players. Because those are both very valid considerations when selecting an institution of higher learning to attend. Also good considerations: party school ranking, abundance of easy courses or bullshit majors, size of the plasma TVs in the student lounges, and condom availability at all hours of the day. Meanwhile, QB Princess is picking up after her brothers and seething with anger. Finally, she bursts his joy bubble by telling him about Coach’s interrogation of her because he didn’t show up to practice. Of course Coach is mad, but Blind Side Lite claims that he HAD TO miss practice because the Oklahoma Tech coach is gonna extend an offer to him if he gives a verbal commitment. QB Princess flips her shit, correctly pointing out that it’s all AGAINST THE RULES! Blind Side Lite regurgitates the “unofficial visit” bullshit, and QB Princess then asks why, if it was all so above board and “unofficial,” is he keeping it all a secret?
Your argument just went out the door with your use of air quotes.
After a little bit of stammering, because he doesn’t have a good response, he says that it’s complicated. Bottom line, she doesn’t have to worry about any of it, because it’s all a done deal. All she has to do is congratulate him. QB Princess gives up the argument here, because really, why bother trying to squeeze water out of a stone. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, and Blind Side Lite doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing. Consider this a stupidity intervention failure.
And speaking of stupidity interventions, Princess Angst and TA Tweed Jacket are at a restaurant having an incredibly awkward meal.
The physical attraction went out the door when his wife assaulted her and her father busted his taillight.
TA inappropriately jokes about that not being the way he wanted to meet her dad. HAHAHA!!! After a few seconds of crickets, Princess Angst asks the million dollar question. What are they doing here? He informs her that he quit his job, and that he’s going to his family’s cabin in Tennessee to become an anti-social recluse plotting ways to take down the federal government finish his dissertation. He’ll be able to focus there, being so far away from the distractions of naïve blond co-eds blinded by his marginal good looks and position of authority. He claims that the two of them shared a connection, and by connection, he means intercourse. But theirs was special, wasn’t it? Princess Angst asks in response if it was the same kind of connection he had with his wife, or the other girls he took advantage of before her. She yells about how much of a fool he and his wife made her look in front of her whole dorm, neigh the whole school in fact! He drops the bomb that he’s getting a divorce, and Princess Angst is stunned silent, finally asking if it’s because of her. Well…. That IS the definition of HOME-WRECKER. Just saying. TA isn’t sure if it’s because of her or not, but he does know that he’s not in love with his wife. He implores her to “go back to school,” but then he gives her the address of his cabin in the woods of Tennessee, offering help if she ever needs anything.
If you happen to be in the neighborhood, I’m the 5th cabin on the left, about two miles up the main hiking trail.
He’ll be there, alone, without his soon-to-be ex-wife. Princess Angst reaches to take the note, and TA caresses her pinky finger. Princess Angst just sits there, staring at him, the weight of the dilemma showing in her face. COME ON!!!! She can’t be stupid enough to fall for his bullshit yet again! I half expect Love Shack to start playing in the background before the scene cuts.
The next morning, Tami-Joe Clark and Coach Father Figure are lying in bed groggily arguing about whose turn it is to get up when Princess Angst comes in to announce that she’s decided to go back to school. She talked to Derek, and the conversation made her realize that she’s wasting her life being at home and she belongs in school. As a peace offering, she offers to make breakfast. Coach asks for coffee, and after she leaves their bedroom, he asks when she’s leaving! HAHAHA!!!
Later on, Coach Father Figure runs into Blind Side Lite in the stairwell at school and asks how he’s feeling. Since he missed practice, he must be dying.
Hang onto your coffee cup, Coach. The lie you’re about to be fed is gonna knock your socks off!
Without missing a beat, he blames his absence on his mom, explaining that she fell off the wagon with the crack. *FACE PALM* In the moment, it works because Coach immediately backs off. But damn, that was STUPID! I’m sure it seemed like a credible lie, but it’ll only take a phone call for Coach to confirm it. And don’t think that Coach won’t investigate further. Until he does, though, he offers support and sends Blind Side Lite off to class.
Doing a little bit of investigating of her own, Tami-Joe Clark pays a visit to Chica Precious’ foster home. A relatively put together woman answers the door, and we immediately cut to her saying that it’s not the first time she’s lied about her situation there.
Yeah, this particular foster home is a nightmare. The kids are forced to drink *GASP* water!
She then feeds a nutritious lunch to three kids under 10 years old. We find out that Chica Precious is an orphan who lost both her parents to AIDS, left to survive on the streets dealing with drugs and abuse. One of the kids spills their water, and Foster Mom rushes to clean it up. Confirming the final piece of Chica’s bullshit story, Tami-Joe Clark asks if there are any older boys there, and Foster Mom responds in the negative.
And back at school, it looks like Coach didn’t even need to use his phone to check out Blind Side Lite’s story. Instead, the interwebs did all his work for him. Coach sets him up first, asking about his mom, then springs on him the photo of him and Deadbeat Dad’s “unofficial” visit that’s been published on a college football website. BUSTED!!!
Remember that photographer? After the viral video fiasco and LionHaters.com, it seems very appropriate that the WWW is how he gets busted here.
Coach would be completely justified blowing up at Blind Side Lite, but instead, he keeps his cool, warning him that the offer from Oklahoma means nothing and his father, while thinking he’s got his son’s best interests at heart, is steering him in the wrong direction. Blind Side Lite gets defensive, saying that his future is important to them and no one else is looking out for him. AHEM, EXCUSE ME?!?!??! How about the dude sitting across the desk from you? Last time I checked, he wasn’t looking for a cut of your future income streams in exchange for helping you get a college scholarship. Coach reiterates that he’s knocking on the wrong doors and then dismisses him from his office.
We check in with the Pussycat Dolls and T&T Girl, getting pretty for the beauty pageant. Blond Stripper advises her to put on more makeup while Brunette Stripper takes a sip from her flask. Prim and proper pageant girls judgmentally look on in disgust. Stripper Wife comes in for an impromptu photo shoot, snapping glamour shots with a disposable camera and an ugly green camera phone. It appears T&T Girl likes the attention that she never got from either of her parents. A minor red flag pops up in my brain.
Tami-Joe Clark tracks Chica Precious down at a Chinese restaurant, sitting down across from her. Tami-Joe Clarks asks why she lied to her, and Chica Precious responds with silence. Tami-Joe Clark goes on to spew some pretty adjectives meant to build up Chica’s self-confidence and trust. Chica says that Tami-Joe Clark isn’t gonna make a difference, because she’s bad to the bone. Tami-Joe Clark disagrees, accepting this latest challenge to save her, this time from herself. Then she gets up to try some soup. Chica looks over her shoulder as Tami helps herself to the buffet. Dammit, now I want Chinese food. Do Ramen noodles qualify?
It’s time for crowning at the Fancy Faces of Texas pageant. T&T Girls stands with pretty feet with the other contestants as the emcee does his thing.
I count at least 6 blondes up on stage. T&T Girl never stood a chance.
The Pussycat Dolls cheer on T&T Girl from their seats in the back with a little too much obnoxious enthusiasm. Oh right, they’re drunk already. Ladies and Gentleman, your 2nd runner up is none other than…. Drum roll…. T&T Girl!!!
The loud cheers immediately turn into jeers. The prim and proper pageant moms turn around in their chairs in unison, shooting looks of derision at the whores, and the emcee tries to calm them down, saying that it’s a family show.
Not a single overweight, ugly mom or t-shirt silkscreened with their daughter’s glamour shot in sight. I call bullshit on this pageant.
T&T Girl steps forward to accept her bouquet of flowers from the old lady, who takes her opportunity to judge her, warning her about associating with the wrong type of people.
Who died and crowned you Church Lady? Dana Carvey is gonna sue.
T&T Girl just continues to smile like a well trained pageant girl, but I suspect she just learned a crucial life lesson put so wonderfully into song by the great Billy Joel, “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints!”
The team is out practicing in the rain, and Old Coach is having a disagreement with Small Town Loser about his new blitz package. Coach Father Figure hands the reigns over to Old Coach who calls the play. Blind Side Lite takes the snap and passes the ball. Hayseed Hottie, meanwhile, keeps rushing and hits Blind Side Lite, knocking him to the ground.
Oooops! I didn’t see you standing there wearing the red shirt that means I’m not supposed to hit you.
Coach Father Figure blows up, yelling at him to never hit the quarterback in practice. Meanwhile, Blind Side Lite gets up his face, angry about having to take a cheap shot. Hayseed Hottie gives it right back, shoving him and calling him out for missing practice to get recruited by Oklahoma Tech. Someone should tell him that bitterness isn’t attractive, but the point clear. The Bromance is over.
Déjà vu sets in, as Tami-Joe Clark and Coach Father Figure see Princess Angst off to college for 78th time. Hugs all around, and Princess Angst drives off. She manages to avoid brick mailboxes, this time making it onto some sort of highway. A phone rings though the car’s Bluetooth function, and TA Tweed Jacket answers. Princess Angst has a question. Did he come to Dillon to get her to go back to school, or to get HER back? Just like the rest of us, that’s what Princess Angst thought as well. She hangs up the phone and processed to make the first available U-turn. EYE FUCKING ROLL! Really? UGH, I hate this.
Imagine how much Coach and Tami are gonna hate this, too, when they find out she didn’t go back to school.
The lunchroom at East Dillon has been cleared for a pre-game pep rally, complete with cheerleaders and pep band. Out in the hallway, Deadbeat Dad is chatting with the coaches about the big TD pass when Coach comes up and asks to speak to Deadbeat Dad. Coach asks about Oklahoma and the smug smile briefly disappears from Deadbeat Dad’s face.
The first one to blink loses.
Then, Coach draws the line in the sand, saying he won’t have any one player bigger than the team. He threatens to bench Blind Side Lite if he misses another practice. BRILLIANT!!! Although it’s probably foolish considering that they’re late into an undefeated season with a real shot at going to STATE. Unfortunately, Deadbeat Dad pulls the card out that he’s been hiding up his sleeve, asking if he’s been telling Shane State that he’s all about the team. OUCH! Although Coach did bounce for a college job back at the end of Season 1, and it doesn’t really matter that Shane State has been pursuing him. The whole thing looks shady for Coach despite the reality of the situation. Deadbeat Dad lays it all out, thinking that he’s backing Coach into a corner. Coach firmly responds that he means what he says, then he walks away.
Out in the parking lot, T&T Girl approaches Hayseed Hottie’s pickup, writing a cute little note to him and sticking it underneath a wiper blade, saying she wants to start over.
All that’s missing is the “circle one: YES or NO.”
As the team awaits their big introduction, the house of cards that the Red Storm have become finally catches a slight breeze and starts to topple. Old Coach is loudly arguing with Small Town Loser, accusing him of disrespecting the game. Blind Side Lite flaps his lips about Hayseed Hottie’s cheap shots, and Hayseed responds by saying he hasn’t been playing like he’s part of the team. Sunshine 2.0 gets in on the action, and Coach finally explodes, yelling at them to SHUT UP!
Under Pressure. Ding Ding Ding Da-Da Ding Ding.
Everyone complies, but as the doors to the gym open, Blind Side Lite lets a comment fly in Hayseed’s face, and words turn into shoving. It takes half a dozen players to pull them apart, preventing a full on fist fight.
The moment the Red Storm officially implodes. Good luck winning your next game, guys.
They finally walk in and take the stage. Blind Side Lite and Hayseed Hottie exchange hate-filled glances while Principal Downtrodden brings Coach up to the microphone. He holds his shit together to go through the motions, calling out for a victory. Luckily, a brawl doesn’t break out on stage in front of everyone!
And finally, we check back in with Princess Angst who knocks on a door. Except this doesn’t look like a cabin deep in the Tennessee woods…. We see a guy open the door from behind. Princess Angst just stands there, and….
OMG!!!!!! IT’S MATT!!!!!!! (aka Wounded Puppy Dog)
She didn’t drive east… she drove NORTH! TO CHICAGO! He smiles adorably, and the episode ends there! LOVE!!!!!!!