I was far from a jock in high school, but I definitely wanted to be one. Or with one. Same difference. I did, however, swim on the varsity team for all four years of high school, and next to all the locker room images that fueled masturbatory fantasies for years, my favorite part of it all was the camaraderie I shared with my teammates. I love sports of all kinds, which is probably one of the reasons why I love this show much. And this week’s episode taps into the bonds shared by teammates. Hilarity and touching sincerity ensue.
We start, as we often do, at practice. The bye week is over, and preparations are underway for their next opponent. Blind Side Lite has been steadily improving as the leader of the Red Storm, but fresh off the ego-stroking by the coaching staff of TMU, Vince is taking too many liberties with running plays in practice.
What did I do wrong? Don’t you know that I’m perfect? At least, that’s what TMU said.
Coach Father Figure blows a minor fuse, chastising his quarterback for not doing what he’s told. He gets up in Blind Side Lite’s face about it, making sure that he, and the team, knows that they have to do things MY WAY. Blind Side Lite falls back in line, dropping back for a sweet pass to Hayseed Hottie. The TMU recruiter, apparently still in Dillon, comments that Coach is making a mistake “putting a leash” on Blind Side Lite because he’s is a natural scrambler. Coach looks over at him, shakes his head and tells him that he’s slipping.
Back in his office, Coach Father Figure pumps Blind Side Lite for information about the meeting he had with TMU over the weekend while frying up bacon on a camping burner. Is this really necessary? Granted, the alternative is institutionally prepared sloppy joes and tater tots. I wouldn’t want to eat that slop either, but there doesn’t appear to be any other food in his office. What, he’s just gonna eat a pound of fried bacon?
Your cardiologist just booked himself a Caribbean cruise.
Coach tells him that TMU was out of line talking to him because he’s just a junior, and that the recruitment stuff needs to go through his office. With the vast conspiracy out there to sabotage the Red Storm, they need to be more careful. Blind Side Lite reveals that all the coaches were there waiting for him. TMU apparently wants both of them. Coach asks how things are going with his dad, and Blind Side Lite says that they found some middle ground. And by middle ground, he means no crack rock. Not Sandra Bullock won’t be attending the game this week because she has to work, but Deadbeat Dad will be there. Coach says that the three of them need to sit down and get on the same page regarding his recruitment. And they both agree to keep from Hayseed Hottie the fact that TMU is courting him as well.
The team convenes in the locker room for a meeting. Old Coach announces they’re going on a road trip, and their opponent is South King—the team that the Red Storm opened their previous season against. The team that showed them no mercy. Bruised and bloody like Sylvester Stallone’s face at the end of every Rocky movie, Coach Father Figure made the controversial and divisive decision to forfeit that game. Lil Dick, the Red Storm newbie, passes out the itinerary and the hazing begins. Coach Father Figure starts his motivation speech with a collective pat on the back, acknowledging their good work. On the eve of the rematch, he warns his players of the dangers of playing with revenge, because that’s playing stupid football.
PLAY TAYLOR BALL!!! (more like Play WITH Taylor’s Balls!)
His sound bite of this particular speech: “Success isn’t a goal, it’s a byproduct.” And on that note, Gay Coach yells like a mad man, and Small Town Loser gets relegated to the role of coaching special teams. I guess Coach found out that QB Princess is real technical genius who noticed Tinker’s timing issue at the line.
Over at college, Princess Angst is completing Walk of Shame ™, Part Deux.
Shit, I hope she doesn’t notice the cum stain on my skirt!
She gets to her dorm room early in the morning as her slutty roommate is getting ready to head off to class. She tries to find out who Princess Angst is fucking, but she just climbs into bed saying she needs sleep. Slutty Roommate reminds her they have class, but Princess Angst can’t go, and they strike a deal. Slutty Roommate will take notes for her if Princess Angst will sign her into their poetry reading the following day. On her way out, Slutty Roommate tells her that Tami-Joe Clark called about 48 times looking for her, so she might wanna call her fucking mother before she gets Paul Blart, Campus Cop, to track her stupid, teacher-fucking ass down.
Outside of Eastside, a small send-off rally has convened to see the team off. Sunshine 2.0 sneaks a bottle of Jack Daniels into his bag, and the hazing of Lil Dick continues as everyone tosses their luggage at him to load on the bus.
Better than getting a mushroom stamp to the forehead
Booster Dick reassures him that it’s natural, and in his day, they used to shave your whole body and drop you off out in the country naked. As heterosexual as sports are supposed to be, a lot of homoerotic shit goes on. Blind Side Lite asks QB Princess why he’s not rooming with her since she made the room assignments. As the only girl on the team, she gets her own room, but maybe she’ll let him sneak in after lights out for some baby-making. The players and coaches get on the bus, Coach kisses Tami-Joe Clark goodbye, and they get on the road. The bus rips through a paper sign that says REVENGE….
and all of Coach’s well chosen words go right out the window.
A minute later, Sunshine 2.0 hilariously asks, “Are we there yet?” Coach Father Figure ignores him, pulling his hat down over his eyes to take a little nap. Good luck with dozens of high school boys wired with much too much excited energy. Who slipped the speed in the team’s Gatorade?
Tami-Joe Clark stands outside her car in the parking lot, trying for the 103rd time to call Princess Angst, leaving yet another message for her. Lazy Bitch Teacher, suddenly Tami-Joe Clark’s bestie, approaches, suggesting a girls weekend while the boys are gone. They can’t go out because of baby Gracie Bell, so they settle for white wine, Chinese food and girl talk. Sounds like funzzzzzzzzzzz.
A rap battle breaks out on the bus, with Black Coach playing the park of Mykhei Pfeiffer, Hayseed Hottie playing the part of Eminem, and Tinker playing an oversized Fresh Prince. Minus the rhythm, or the rhyming skills, or the street cred.
You know parents are the same
No matter time nor place
They don’t understand that us kids
Are going to make some mistakes
So to you other kids all across the land
There’s no need to argue
Parents just don’t understand
But the fun comes to a grounding halt when the bus breaks down on the side of the road. Good thing Small Town Loser moonlights as a mechanic. Hayseed Hottie sits on the bus perusing the TMU brochure when Blind Side Lite asks him about the recruiting process. Hayseed is excited, but admits that he doesn’t know if they want him to play offense or defense. I guess you don’t have to be bisexual in college. But the recruiter will be at the game, so he’ll ask him then.
It’s ok if you’re a virgin… I’ll be gentle.
Elsewhere on the bus, Sunshine 2.0 asks his seatmate, Lil Dick, if he’s a virgin. In response, Lil Dick is a bit too slow and a lot too unconvincing in his reply that he’s not. Sunshine 2.0 pokes fun at him, saying it’ll be fine when it happens… later tonight, with him, after lights out at the hotel. A hole is a hole, right?
And what happens next is the best gift I could ever be given. The entire team, needing to empty their bladders simultaneously, line up at the side of the road to whip out their Johnsons at the same time and water the weeds along the highway. And Small Town Loser, at the end of the line has his pants around his ankles like he’s a 3 year old training on the pottie. LOL!!!!
No, No, No, No, YES! No, No, No, No, YES!
And suddenly, I’m reminded of that scene in History of the World, Part I where Madeleine Kahn, playing a queen in ancient Rome, lines up the soldiers and picks the ones to guard her by their cock size. BRILLIANT!
Princess Angst is listening to bad amateur poetry and nodding off when TA Tweed Jacket comes up behind her and not so subtly or quietly asks her to out for frybread.
Is Frybread a euphemism for something? Penis? Vag? Adultery?
I have no idea with the fuck frybread is, but apparently, it’s worth traveling 90 miles for. Clearly drunk on the attention and affection, Princess Angst agrees to blow off the event and meet him out by the car in 5 minutes. Another bad idea.
Back on the bus, everyone is taking a little nap as they approach their destination. Coach Father Figure gives Gay Coach the go ahead, and he blows his whistle…. NO, not that one!…. waking everyone up.
Little Boy Blue Balls… you might wanna take a vacation to Palm Springs or San Francisco, buddy.
They arrive at the Crowne Plaza hotel in Kingdom, TX, greeted by a sign that reads, “Welcome East Dillon Loins.”
Yes, welcome your penises, indeed!
The Red Storm act like they just cashed in their golden tickets and they’re entering Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory in the lobby as the concierge tries to explain hotel key cards and complimentary macadamia nut cookies to Coach Father Figure without freaking out over the potential for destruction in front of him.
Is that assistant coach over there gay? Oh, no reason. What room did I put him in again?
The team continues to haze Lil Dick, making him take their luggage to their respective rooms while Coach strongly suggests they change the sign out front. Deadbeat Dad arrives and Blind Side Lite finally introduces him to the coaches in the lobby before practice. He looks about as embarrassed as any 17 year old is in their parents, but most kids don’t have a former drug dealing ex-con for a dad.
Nice to meet you, dude who’s been more of a father to my son than I ever have.
The team magically convenes on a football field, and Small Town Loser makes the most out of his coaching duties with special teams. After tons of yelling, Coach Father Figure finally stops him, saying this was supposed to be just a walk through and not a reenactment of the first half hour of Full Metal Jacket.
In case you forgot, Private Pyle kills himself, so he might wanna lighten up.
The team gets a little downtime and they decide to take a dip in the hotel pool. More like raid the pool. If I were a patron of the Crowne Plaza in Kingdom, TX, and a herd of menacing inner city football players took over the swimming pool with their horse play and roughhousing, all wet and wrestling, arms and legs flailing, swim trunks sagging down revealing taut hips and happy trials…. Where I was going with this?
Gratuitous Semi-Naked Pic of the Week: Swimsuit Edition
Gay Coach decides to get in on the action, jumping into the pool fully clothed. Dude might wanna be careful. An accidentally (or not so accidentally) placed hand on or around a student’s “down there” parts could result in some pretty serious legal action.
Blind Side Lite foregoes playtime to have pow-wow with Deadbeat Dad and Coach Father Figure about his recruiting prospects. Coach babbles about schools getting verbal commitments from the best prospects from the womb nowadays.
You mean, we could have started this whole recruiting business back at the first ultrasound?
It’s important to keep the whole process under control so that everything goes smoothly and in Blind Side Lite’s best interests. He has complete trust in Coach, bringing up his brief couching stint as QB coach at TMU. Coach asks Deadbeat Dad if that’s ok with him, and he’s completely agreeable—whatever Blind Side Lite thinks is best. What I wanna know is, why does it even matter what he thinks? He doesn’t live with his kid, and as far as anyone with a single brain cell can surmise, Deadbeat Dad has no influence over him. And how is he even able to afford being there? He just got out of jail and he has no job that we know about. Something’s rotten in the state of Dillon.
Princess Angst and TA Tweed Jacket are eating frybread and chatting. Seriously, dude, you don’t need to go through the motions. 4 hours in the car talking could have been better spent in your bedroom with your wedding picture turned face down on the nightstand. You already know she’s hot for your junk. But there he sits, still spewing the lines. “I don’t take many people here.” Apparently, he got lost, like he tends to do, and just happened upon the best disease ridden snack stand in all of Texas. And Princess Angst keeps falling for them. “Is that how you found me?” Then he explains it all away by citing divine intervention. Personally, I don’t think God brought an impressionable college co-ed into your life so that you could commit adultery. It doesn’t work that way. TA Tweed Jacket goes back for seconds of frybread. If you were home, you could be going back for a different, much more satisfying kind of seconds.
It’s approaching lights out, and the team is goofing off in the hallways. They make Lil Dick get everyone a bucket of ice for god knows what reason.
Ah… so that they could trip him and laugh at him while he cleans up the ice cubes that have gone flying everywhere.
Meanwhile, Blind Side Lite is standing out on the veranda look up at the stars. Hayseed Hottie joins him, joking about the view. At least it’s quiet. Tinker comes out saying that he misses the sounds of the ghetto. Cop cars and crack heads. We briefly cut to Coach Father Figure hidden behind some foliage with his arms behind his head as he eavesdrops on their conversation.
Eavesdropping or getting a blow job: you be the judge.
Tinker can’t sleep because he’s away from home. Blind Side Lite jokes that Tinker is a mamma’s boy, they joke about his mom’s cooking. Hayseed Hottie goes off about how he promised to go easy on the pork since he took Maribelle’s ham hock in unholy matrimony. Tinker tries to rationalize that pork is different because it’s on a plate. He’s got a point. The Chinese feel the same way about cats.
Sunshine 2.0 comes out, commenting on the amount of dude-talk going on. He can’t sleep either because Lil Dick is a loud snorer. More like he’s a screamer, and you just came out for a post coital cigarette while he cleans himself off. Hayseed says they’re just taking in the night’s beauty, and Sunshine clarifies that this is the Bible Belt kind of beauty—no bars (explains the bottle of whiskey he snuck in) and 9,000 churches (explains the name of the town). Sunshine became familiar with the town while his dad was working some oil rigs. They didn’t stay there long, as usual, and he trails off feeling sorry for himself. Tinker asks Blind Side Lite if they’re gonna win the game. He ruminates on how bad they got beat the last time, acknowledging that they’re not the same team. Sunshine asks what the deal is with the forfeit. Blind Side Lite responds that Coach Father Figure is a straight-up guy (now tell me, is it gonna be you and me together, whoa whoa whoa). He had his reasons, but they just don’t know what they are. More like you’re too young to understand them. He was just trying to protect y’all from getting whooped, not realizing at the time how much worse forfeiting would be. He got the nickname Coach Father Figure for a reason.
Hayseed lightens the mood, identifying the reason they forfeited was because they didn’t have him on the team yet. They laugh, and Sunshine offers to do whatever he can to help the team tomorrow.
The male version of a slumber party. Let’s take bets on whose boxers end up in the freezer.
Tinker doesn’t think that it’ll do much, but he can sure get used to the free candy in the mini bar and two pillows on the bed. Before I can even think of a joke, Sunshine does my job for me, informing Tinker that the candy isn’t free, and neither is the porn on the TV. In Texas, porn is pretty expensive… yeah, the cost is your soul and everlasting life. Tinker runs inside to put an end to his roommate’s film festival going on. Sunshine 2.0 says good night, and Hayseed Hottie makes the move to go inside. He and Blind Side Lite shake hands to tomorrow, and Blind Side Lite takes one last look up at the sky before going inside himself. Meanwhile, Coach sits there, impressed at how his players are coming together. Another patented FNL moment!
Game time, and radio announcer/narrator tells us that the first half has been filled with tons of trash talking and unnecessary penalties. The crowd is raucous, and right off the bat, we see a Kingdom player go in for a late hit on Hayseed Hottie before they run the ball in for a touchdown. The Red Storm are down early, 17-7. On the ensuing kickoff, the ball goes straight to Lil Dick. Everyone wants him to fall on it, but since he’s only been playing for a week, he picks it up and tries to run with it. He gets about two steps before he gets laid out hard. Hey, at least he hung onto the ball. Booster Dick, Coach Father Figure, and the entire Red Storm sideline go crazy, looking for a penalty flag that never comes. More fuel for the conspiracy theory.
Hey! I’m the only one who’s allowed to throw him on the ground and pound the shit outta him!
Sunshine 2.0, takes matters into his own hands, getting in the dude’s face, saying you mess with Lil Dick, you mess him. That’s his boy! After taking his cherry last night, he sure is! Coach Father Figure wants Blind Side Lite to take a knee at the end of the half, and because he agreed to do things HIS WAY, he obliges, but he’s not happy about it.
In the locker room, Blind Side Lite shows his anger. Slamming the lockers with his helmet, he yells that he wants to rip some guys’ heads off. Hayseed Hottie lists all the uncalled penalties committed against him while Lil Dick winces in pain. Small Town Loser tries to convince them that they need to rise above, but Blind Side Lite will not be mollified. HIS WAY ain’t working, he says as Coach Father Figure comes in. Coach shuts them up, saying that this is what he meant by playing with revenge.
We’re not playing with revenge, Coach! We’re trying to pay these fools back for kicking our asses last year! There’s a DIFFERENCE!
If they don’t clean up all the mental mistakes, they’re gonna keep getting played for fools. “Stay away from dumb, gentleman!”
Dumb must be that kid sitting over by himself on the other side of the locker room.
Heading back out from the half, a cheerleader asks if they’re ready to forfeit. In response, Sunshine 2.0 asks if he can get her number if they win. She says they gotta win first, and Sunshine promises to deliver. Then he knocks over the Kingdom mascot. Meanwhile, a (white) Kingdom player gets up in Blind Side Lite’s face, saying they’re a long way from home and asking if he wants to go back to Africa. Blind Side Lite keeps walking, and the racist player does a backflip, hoping to get a flag? Blind Side Lite didn’t back down off him, but he certainly didn’t push him down. Regardless, this isn’t doing anything to ease his rage.
Over on the sidelines, Blind Side Lite is talking smack, saying that he’s got the kicker’s ass fired up, whatever that means. He takes #42’s spot on special teams, running out onto the field. Coach Father Figure is confused, but he does nothing to stop it. South Kingdom kicks off, and Sunshine 2.0 catches it. Blind Side Lite starts running down the field ignoring what’s going on with the ball, heading straight for the kicker. He lays right into him, sending him flying.
The penalty flags go flying, and Blind Side Lite starts shoving the South Kingdom players. The ref tells Coach to reign in #5 or he’s getting thrown out of the game. Coach calls bullshit on that, arguing that it was a clean hit. And while things get straightened out on the field, the TMU recruiter introduces himself to Deadbeat Dad.
DANGER! This is how Cam Newton got in trouble!
Coach grabs Blind Side Lite, telling him that they’re not gonna win by playing by the rules. He says they gotta play by OUR RULES. Again, I’m wishing for some explanation, but Blind Side Lite knows exactly what Coach means. This could get good right here. The small Red Storm fans are all fired up, and Deadbeat Dad is playing the part of proud papa with the recruiter while Blind Side Lite takes control in the huddle, telling his offense to “take it to streets.” He takes the snap, and #72 comes up with a big block, giving him time to pass the ball to Sunshine 2.0. He gets a few good blocks of his own, finds some room, and runs in for a touchdown. While the other coaches celebrate, Coach just looks on with a scowl on his face.
Maybe Coach isn’t happy with Hayseed Hottie taunting the guy on the ground.
South Kingdom pitches the ball, but their player gets stuffed and pushed out of bounds.
Suddenly, the Red Storm have the ball back. Blind Side Lite goes back and completes what looks like a screen pass to Hayseed Hottie, and he takes advantage of some nice blocks to score another TD, giving the Red Storm the lead. Then they flash the scoreboard, and the score is a touchdown behind. COME ON EDITING DEPARTMENT! Get some shit right.
The Red Storm special teams do an onside kick. The guy can’t complete the catch, and Sunshine 2.0 and Lil Dick tackle him hard. And before they get up off the South Kingdom dude, Sunshine 2.0 gets a few words in about leaving his roommate alone. Lil Dick looks on over at Sunshine like he’s his knight in shining red armour. Booster Dick looks on with pride, oblivious to the homoerotic undertones playing out. I assume the Red Storm have recovered the ball. They’ve taken playing dirty to a whole new level, hitting hard and standing their ground. Sunshine 2.0 runs the ball, scoring another TD. This time, the score is right when they flash the scoreboard. 28-17. South Kingdom tries to run the ball on their next offensive possession, only to get pummeled, causing a fumble recovered again by the Red Storm. And just like that, the game is over after they’ve tacked on another ten points and shutting out their opponents in the second half. The small contingent of Red Storm fans cheer wildly as Radio Announcer/Narrator summarizes, “Kingdom Come. Kingdom Conquered.”
As the team is coming off the field, Coach Father Figure is approached by two members of the press. They ask him about all the penalties, 24 to be exact for 245 yards. LOL!!! Now that’s playing dirty! The reporters say that it’s gotta be a league record, but Coach deflects, saying there were penalties on both sides. They follow up with a question about if he’s gonna play “tough” ball this year, pointing out all the flags for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Because ignoring the press is gonna help you earn the respect you’re clearly not getting.
Coach Father Figure basically laughs in their faces and walks off without commenting. But he doesn’t look happy. Your team is now 4-0 and you just crushed your opponent. Lighten up!
Back at the hotel, the team is celebrating in the halls. Gay Concierge is freaking out. He’s glad they won their soccer game (yep, definitely gay), but they need to tone it down. Black Coach just puts a cap on his head and keeps celebrating with his team. An old white couple comes down the hall, frightened for their lives. The lady clutches onto her purse for dear life.
I saw Crash! I know what y’all will do to me!
Old Coach says he’ll calm the boys down while Gay Coach stands by, trying to figure out how he can get laid without anyone noticing.
When I call down for extra pillows later, come up and I’ll fuck ya.
As soon as he walks away, the celebration kicks back into high gear.
Finally, QB Princess and Blind Side Lite get a little alone time in her room, until more boys come knocking at the window. Only this time, they’re Blind Side Lite’s “brothers.”
Cock Block, Part Deux, or how to get free porn in Texas
QB Princess wants to know what they’re doing, and Blind Side Lite weakly explains that they’re early and they think they’re going out. QB Princess is upset, because they were supposed to hang out. He assures her that they will, but he needs to go celebrate with his boys too. He promises to be back in an hour or two and tells her to keep the door unlocked for him. She relents, kissing him before he heads out the door. Then, she closes it, locks it, and closes the curtains on his ass. I hope this party is worth not getting laid.
Princess Angst and TA Tweed Jacket are still out driving, and she asks if he’s gonna take her somewhere. Like his BED! Dude, seriously, this isn’t a relationship. It’s an affair. Bang the bitch and send her on her merry way.
In about 10 minutes, you’ll be sorry you didn’t bang.
He pulls over, apparently dropping her off somewhere. He’s gotta get home and “work on his thesis.” Sounds like a brush off to me, which is odd, because THEY HAVEN’T HAD SEX!!! What the fuck was the point, then? Princess Angst asks what he’s doing in Burleson, and he asks her the same question. He counts to three and they both give their reasons at the same time. He mentions his wife and marital problems, and she mentions how she couldn’t hack it somewhere and it’s far enough away from Matt. They break the cardinal rule of having an affair by talking about their ex’s, but at least they’re both rebounding, sort of. TA Tweed Jacket spills his guts about his feelings for his wife, but when he asks who Matt is, Princess Angst simply says, “he’s just this guy in Chicago.” Someone’s still holding a torch for good old Wounded Puppy Dog. They kiss, and I get bored.
If you’re all here, who’s making sure the kids haven’t snuck out?
Good thing we move on quickly to the coaches’ celebration. Beer, poker and hot wings. Small Town Loser congratulates Coach Father Figure on the win, and they all cheers. Coach finally explains why the stick has been up his ass. They let the game get away from ‘em. No one understands what he’s talking about. He didn’t like having to play dirty, even though Small Town Loser takes the 9 year old approach, saying that the other team started it!
Old Coach calls it a night, heading off to bed, while the Fantastic Four (plus Lil Dick) arrive at this party in the woods that Sunshine 2.0 knows about. Two hippie freaks walk past them, asking if they’re legal. The others look frightened, but Sunshine 2.0 tells them to chill out. Tattoos, bongs, and the stench of patchouli greet them. Big Oden, Sunshine 2.0’s “friend” tells em to stop staring and offers them drinks.
Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore…
Back at the hotel, the coaches continue their poker game. Coach Father Figure becomes Coach Debbie Downer, saying he doesn’t like the Tinker Shuffle and all the chest thumping they do on the field. Booster Dick jumps in, saying that the boys were just having fun. In fact, everyone had fun tonight. Small Town Loser is one sip away from either getting sick or passing out. Booster Dick is proud of his son playing football terribly tonight. Coach decides to call it a night, and Booster Dick calls him out for nursing one drink. Except that one drink is an almost empty liter bottle of Jim Bean.
Cheaters never win, and Winners never cheat. Unless money is on the line.
Coach would be having more fun if he wasn’t getting his ass kicked playing cards. He announces he’s going to bed and says goodnight, leaving the rest of em to drink themselves into oblivion.
Back in the woods, Lil Dick is smitten with a woman who looks like a man in drag. He approaches him/her complimenting him/her on the way he/she is applying his/her lipstick. He/she looks up like it’s the first time in his/her life that he/she’s ever heard a compliment.
Woman or Man: you be the judge
Meanwhile, Tinker and Sunshine 2.0 are roasting hot dogs over the fire and drinking what’s gotta be moonshine out of empty mason jars, and Blind Side Lite and Hayseed Hottie are in some kind of trailer talking about TMU. Blind Side Lite tells him that TMU and Coach Father Figure both wanted him to keep quiet, but he just felt bad. Hayseed Hottie thinks it’s great if TMU wants them both. Just like tonight, they can be unstoppable together, all the way to STATE! Does anybody else (who hasn’t seen the season already on DirecTV) have a bad feeling about this? They cheers with their own jars of moonshine.
All that’s missing from this bromantic seduction are lit candles and rose pedals.
Back in Dillon, Tami-Joe Clark and Lazy Bitch Teacher appear to have devoured toxic amounts of MSG and 4 bottles of wine.
Frankly, I’m surprised they’re still conscious.
Tami-Joe Clark has reached the sad phase of drunk, talking about the emptiness she feels over Princess Angst leaving the nest. Lazy Bitch Teacher listens to her rambling with an expression of sympathy mixed with a little disappointment. Maybe she was hoping to ply Tami-Joe Clark with enough alcohol to get a little lesbian action going. On cue, the phone rings. Coach Father Figure is alone in his hotel room, the alcohol suddenly hitting him hard. He tells her that they won and that he’s been drinking. Tami-Joe Clark clues him on the fact that they, too, have been drinking. The girls giggle wickedly, and the real reason Coach is calling comes spilling out his mouth. “So…. What are y’all wearin’?” HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Rock out with the cock out, Coach!
Someone’s down for phone sex threesome. Tami-Joe Clark shoots him down, and reality snaps back in. He tells her to give Gracie Bell a hug and kiss for him and they hang up. Guess he’ll just have to rent porn, if he can even get it up before passing out.
The Fantastic Foursome have now convened around the campfire, and they’re all at that happy point of drunk. I’m reminded of New Year’s Eve 2009, when I was hanging with my BFF at a party. I was blitzed on champagne and she was working on her 9th or 10th Miller Lite. We rang in 2010, and proceeded to have a very similar conversation about how much we love each other, and how lucky we are to be best friends, and how we’d do anything for each other. Then she proceeded to vomit on the front lawn and we went inside to play songs off my iPod that hold special significance for us until we both passed out. (Shout out to LRHFLUTE: My Life Would Suck Without You!)
Hayseed Hottie rambles about them all being brothers now and how far they’ve come since Blind Side Lite punched him out last year. Then he falls off whatever he’s sitting on.
Funny… that’s my favorite position too!
Without missing a beat, he turns the focus of this lovefest over to Tinker, who traded T&T Girl for his pig. Sunshine 2.0 could be his brother too, because his hair is poofy. And Lil Dick… where is he? He’s off making out with the he/she. Hayseed says to get back to what you were doing, yelling, “You are NOT gay!” HAHAHAHA!!! I’d beg to differ because this “girl” is certainly no proof to the contrary.
When your beard has a beard, “she” is not doing you any favors.
Then Hayseed gets serious, saying he would do anything for his brothers. Sunshine 2.0 asks what he’d do. Hayseed says that he’d walk on fire for them. Sunshine 2.0, impressed with this bold statement and looking like he ain’t anywhere near as drunk as the rest of em, tells him to prove it. The camera cuts to the straightened out wire coathangers they’ve been using to roast the hot dogs, and then back to Hayseed’s face. BAD IDEA!!! DON’T DO IT!!! Unless you’re gonna brand each other on the ass. That, it’d like to see. The asses, not the branding.
For some reason, Princess Angst, along with a couple dozen other losers at that college of hers, is studying in the library on a Friday night. A woman storms in, asking if one of them is Julie Taylor. Princess Angst reveals herself, and the woman stands over her and SLAPS HER!!! BRILLIANT!!!
Great, another reason for her to be all angst ridden.
Princess Angst looks shocked and angered, asked what the hell is wrong with you. And that’s when she reveals herself to be Mrs. Tweed Jacket. She tries to say that she needs to work shit out with him, but she goes on her scorned woman rampage. Apparently, Princess Angst isn’t the first naïve co-ed TA Tweed Jacket has stepped out on her with. Which begs the question. Why the fuck are you still married to a cheating scumbag like him? Mrs. Tweed Jacket tells her to stay away from her husband, yelling at the top of her lungs on her way out that she’s sleeping with her TA in the history department and, “JULIE TAYLOR IS A SLUT.” Princess Angst is frozen with anger, humiliation and disgust. Finally, she turns away, presumably to go run and hide.
Blind Side Lite looks on with fear in his eyes and moonshine in his mouth as Tinker and Lil Dick hold Hayseed Hottie down. The coat hanger has been bent in the shape of an “L”, and Hayseed Hottie says, with his jaw clamped down on a belt, that if he does it, they all do it. Lil Dick tries to weasel out of it, saying he just joined the team, but Hayseed Hottie insists. Lil Dick agrees, and Hayseed tells Sunshine to do it. With a mischievous smile on his face, Sunshine 2.0 nods and presses the red hot makeshift brand onto Hayseed’s bicep.
Brings a whole new meaning to the term pillow biter.
Hayseed screams, Sunshine laughs, Blind Side Lite takes another drink, and Lil Dick almost faints. Hayseed calls Blind Side Lite to go next, and he pulls himself up to make their brotherhood official.
Back in the hotel, they’re all still clearly drunk. Hayseed is still babbling about the dual meaning of the brand. It’s a symbol of their pride in the Lions as a team, and that they’re a pride, as in a group of actual lions. HAHAHAHA!!! I love when drunk and/or high people start talking pseudo-insightful. I swear I stumbled upon the meaning of life several times when I was wasted. Too bad I can’t remember any of it. QB Princess calls them all idiots as she dresses up Tinker’s wound, saying she wouldn’t be so rough if he kept still.
Go easy on them, QB Princess. Realizing that those brands are with them for life will be punishment enough someday.
Except she just slapped a gauze pad directly on his brand. And the rubbing alcohol probably doesn’t help either. Sunshine 2.0 is wearing sunglasses, trying to keep himself from throwing up. Blind Side Lite, laying on the bed, apologizes to her, promising to make it up to her, because he loves her so much. Clearly, he’s still THAT drunk. QB Princess, still insulted at being stood up, doesn’t look impressed.
Tami-Joe Clark is having breakfast with Gracie, looking remarkably not hung over at all, when the front door opens. She thinks Coach Father Figure just got home from the game, but when she looks over her shoulder, she’s thrilled to find Princess Angst walking in the door. She jumps up to hug the prodigal daughter, completely unaware that this is Walk of Shame, Part Triple. She asks what Princess Angst is doing there, and she lamely blames her impromptu visit on having to do laundry. It’s the oldest excuse in the book, but Tami-Joe Clark is too happy to notice the big red flag flying in front of her face. I’m surprised the shit isn’t already all over Princess Angst’s facebook page already.
Back at the hotel, the Red Storm contingent is packing up the yellow school bus, and everyone is still drunk or way hung over. Booster Dick congratulates his son, unknowingly squeezing his fresh wound. Deadbeat Dad congratulates his son and walks off. Coach Father Figure walks up, telling him that he can ride back with his dad if he wants. Blind Side Lite declines the offer, saying that this is his team, and he rides with the team. Coach gives the faintest hint of a smile, acknowledging the unity and brotherhood that’s been achieved on the trip.
Lil Dick is about to finish changing the hotel sign out front to read…
The first one was premature. He lasted much longer the second time around.
He notices the bus starting to pull away and runs to catch up. The bus finally stops and he gets on board amidst loud cheers. They get on the road and Sunshine 2.0 lets the cheerleader’s phone number fly out the window, not that he was ever going to use it anyway. Hayseed Hottie and Black Coach rub their throbbing, hung over heads. QB Princess looks over at a sleeping Blind Side Lite with a forgiving smile on her face as they hold hands. Lil Dick plays with the tube of lipstick he took from the crossdresser as a memento, then looks down at the oozing brand on his bicep with a smile, knowing that he finally belongs somewhere.
Sunshine 2.0 leans against the seat in front of him with bloodshot eyes, asking Coach again, “Are we there yet?”
More annoying than 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall: you be the judge
Unlike before, this carries much more subtext. The camera pans two seats in front of him to where Coach Father Figure is sitting. He responds, “Nope…. But we’re getting there. Slowly but surely, we’re getting there.” And by there, he means that intangible state of unification that all championship teams possess because they know each other so well. And on that upbeat note, this installment of FNL comes to a close.
So, what did everyone think? As great as this episode is, I’m left with a huge sense of foreboding. Things are going way too smoothly. I sense an epic implosion coming. But it’s hard not to get swept up in the man love here. So, like our naive teenagers, I’ll ignore all the red flags and bask in the glow while I can. See y’all next week!