First, I’d like to apologize for my tardiness in getting this recap in. With the holiday weekend and a much slightly more hectic work schedule, I fell behind. I’ll be skipping the Mini-Gasm for this week’s episode, jumping right into the full recap, which I’m hoping to have done by Tuesday. Please forgive me. Second, several people have expressed confusion over the nicknames, so I’m going to point you to the season pre-cap for a primer if you get confused. Here’s the link: Now let’s jump right into last week’s episode, shall we?
When I worked in higher education, the term “Helicopter Parents” described the parents who hovered over their “adult” children, doing everything for their kids from interceding with professors to managing financial aid issues, to settling on campus housing disputes. I even heard a story about a parent who called a career councilor, asking permission to join their kid on an internship interview. In the process, a generation of lazy, inept, entitled graduates is entering the workforce unable and unwilling to do anything for themselves. At this point, I’d kill for the entry level administrative jobs that these kids with no work experience scoff at as being beneath them. And yet, my phone remains silent. Karma is a cruel, cruel lover. This week, we see Tami-Joe Clark falling into this trap, and Deadbeat Dad’s meddling getting in the way of Blind Side Lite’s relationship with Coach Father Figure, and possibly his future.
We open this episode at the end of a routine practice. Everything goes amazingly well, and as Coach Father Figure looks to wrap up the practice, QB Princess approaches him, asking for a recommendation letter for her job application at the Baylor University summer football camp. Coach Father Figure treats her like a mosquito buzzing around his head, telling her to draft something for him to sign. He’s got bigger things to worry about, as two big black SUV’s drive up onto his field. Booster Dick and half a dozen other Red Storm boosters climb out, asking Coach if there’s an outlet around.
Why is there a giant iPod Nano 3G chillin in the background?
They unload camping gear, a charcoal grill, cases of beer, a cooler, a fan and a television—everything they need to prevent the Evil Empire in Blue from repeating last season’s act of vandalism. (Personally, I loved the Red Storm’s prank of placing thousands of toothpicks on the Evil Empire’s field so that they couldn’t practice. BRILLIANT!!!!) Coach Father Figure spies a shotgun among the boosters’ provisions, and he flips out. Psst, Coach. This is Texas. I’m surprised they didn’t roll up with the Jack Bauer Trunk Arsenal ™.
This dude looks like a strong wind will blow him over, much less a shotgun’s recoil.
After practice, Coach heads out to meet up with his former protégée, that is, until he got paralyzed attempting a tackle back in Season 1, Episode 1. Jason Street (aka Original QB1) greets his mentor with affection after all these years, catching him up on his new life in the big city with his baby, his new wife, and a new job as a full-fledged sports agent. Coach congratulates him on the wedding, giving him shit for not saying anything to him. Guess he was one of the casualties of guest list cuts after he found out how much weddings cost in the Big Apple. Look at it this way, Coach… now you don’t have to buy him a set of wine glasses or a toaster oven off their Bed, Bath, and Beyond gift registry. Instead, he gives Original QB1 a Red Storm hat for his kid, which will promptly find its way into the trash once they part company.
Oh, good. I can use this to wipe my kid’s ass when his diaper needs changing!
With the pleasantries aside, Original QB1 gets down to brass tacks, telling Coach of his real reason for this meeting. He’s been getting calls from colleges, asking about Coach’s availability. Being dubbed the KingMaker is generating interesting, but Coach Father Figure is quick to say that he’s happy where he is. He has no interest in moving on. Or at least, that’s what he’s saying now. Something tells me that story will change.
Meanwhile, Blind Side Lite and QB Princess are talking about the moral implications of writing your own recommendation letter when they walk in on Not Sandra Bullock and Deadbeat Dad engaging in some minor foreplay in the kitchen. Luckily, they’re both fully clothed.
I thought the door was locked… AWKWARD!
For anyone who’s had the displeasure of walking in on your parents having sex, it’s a nightmarish image that ruins your innocence and scars you for the rest of your natural life. I was 10 or 11 when this happened to me, and now, I’m gay… coincidence or cause and effect? We may never know. The parents take some good natured ribbing, while we learn that Deadbeat Dad has been invited to move back in, this time with Blind Side Lite’s blessing. QB Princess is still hesitant and suspicious; especially after Deadbeat Dad announces that he comes bearing gifts. Gifts in the form of new kicks and monogrammed TMU apparel. Blind Side Lite is all excited until QB Princess shits on the coats, asking where the gifts came from. Deadbeat Dad tries to skirt around the issue that they’re illegal gifts, saying they’re from a “friend” at TMU.
I don’t know what you’re talking about? This stuff fell off the back of a truck… driven by a TMU football scout.
Blind Side Lite regretfully hands the sneakers and hat back, saying he can’t accept them. Coach Father Figure will get mad if he finds out. Deadbeat Dad plays it off like it’s no big deal, but he exits the room embarrassed and disappointed. And probably a little bit angry. QB Princess expresses concern over the new living arrangements, but Blind Side Lite is fully on board, reminding her that Deadbeat Dad took care of their Ghetto Thug problem and that he’s been steadily improving since getting out of the slammer. QB Princess still looks unsure, like she’s being told that angry looking pitbulls make cuddly pets. What could go wrong?
Back on the field, the boosters have set up camp at midfield, when the radio announcer/narrator exposits the discovery of a website that released the criminal records of several Red Storm players. Booster Dick immediately interrupts Coach Father Figure’s lunch date with Original QB1 to give him the heads up. Coach runs out to his car to listen as the commentator says he’s got a football team full of violent criminals. Harsh, but really, is anyone surprised? Unlike the Evil Empire in Blue, the police don’t look the other way when kids from the ghetto are causing trouble. Unfair? Absolutely, but being rich and white has its advantages.
At school, the Red Storm have gathered around a laptop to view the latest internet sensation, LionHater.com, complete with animated graphics of a cartoon lion getting put behind bars, and a maniacal laughing audio track.
Not quite as high tech as HamsterDance.com but not as annoying either
Disbelief is the prevailing sentiment, especially after Blind Side Lite points out that their juvenile records are supposed to be sealed. Mug shots and criminal records for at least 8 Red Storm players, including Blind Side Lite, Tinker and Sunshine 2.0, have been posted.
Sunshine 2.0′s mug shot look like a 3rd grade class photo. Must have been pinched for stealing an extra container of milk at lunch.
And the prevailing theory is that the Evil Empire is somehow behind this recent distraction. Sunshine 2.0 walks off in disgust as Tinker passes blame for his B&E arrest on his cousin. If he learned anything from the Shawshank Redemption, it’s that everyone is innocent.
Coach Father Figure crashes an Evil Empire booster meeting, demanding to know who is responsible for the website. The asshat at the head of the table, who is clearly NOT Joe McCoy, immediately denies having anything to do with it.
Bad Horse called… Your application to the Evil League of Evil has been rejected. Try again next year.
Right, because he’s gonna admit to what’s probably an actionable criminal offense. Who does he look like? Texas Forever? At the table, looking guilty as sin, however, is Coach’s long time friend and current Evil Empire Head Coach, Mac McGill. Coach demands they take it down immediately before making his dramatic exit.
Back at the Taylor house, Tami-Joe Clark is on the phone with some random university official, arguing her case against putting Princess Angst on academic probation for excessive absences and missed assignments/tests, which will surely lead to failing grades. She’s somehow bartered a compromise to save her semester. As she’s hanging up the phone, Princess Angst comes out of her bedroom, asking if Coach made her a tofu scramble.
Hey, if you want made-to-order breakfast, you might wanna go back to school and visit the dining hall.
Tami-Joe Clark tells her there’s cereal and asks what her plan is for the day. Princess Angst responds that she’s gonna answer some emails and “do some stuff,” which we all know means she’s gonna do NOTHING! Tami-Joe Clark immediately cracks the whip, demanding that she take Gracie Bell to daycare and clean off the table. If she’s gonna be hiding out at home, she’s gonna pitch in and figure out how she’s paying for the car repairs. Why is no one worried about the wasted money this semester at college will amount to? We’re talking about $15K easy, not to mention room and board. We’re going on two weeks of missed classes and assignments here. Princess Angst will be lucky to walk away with low B’s, even with Tami-Joe Clark’s intervention.
Following the shame of LionHater.com, energy and motivation at practice is understandably low. Coach Father Figure calls them all around him for another motivational speech. He acknowledges their embarrassment, promising that the responsible parties will be found. Blind Side Lite says it doesn’t matter, because the information is already out there. Coach tells them that the website was created to get in their heads and mess with their concentration. With rivalry week and their rematch against the Evil Empire looming this Friday, Coach suggests a 2 part strategy for fighting back. Part 1: FOCUS, Part 2: PUNISH. Now there’s a plan I can get behind! The players respond with excitement, and Coach sets out to start practice.
But first (man, I miss Big Brother!), he pulls Blind Side Lite over, asking if he’s ok. Blind Side Lite is worried that the website has ruined his chances at getting recruited by colleges.
I’m fucked now, aren’t I? Good thing I applied to the Alamo Freeze.
Coach Father Figure assures him that it won’t matter. Blind Side Lite whines that nothing they do will ever stop people from viewing them as nothing more than thugs. He’s got a point, although that has never stopped colleges from recruiting other juvenile delinquents into their sports programs so that they can chase the financial windfalls that follow winning seasons and playoff runs in marquee sports like football and basketball. Any good PR agent would exploit Blind Side Lite’s “underprivileged” upbringing to generate shitloads of sympathy and positive press. Get on that, Coach!
Small Town Loser continues his unofficial grooming of Hayseed Hottie’s future prospects in their yard, now serving as a makeshift gym. Instead of pressing actual weights, he has Hayseed Hottie fender benching.
Video tape this workout, put it on DVDs and sell it on TV in the middle of the night on basic cable. Watch out, P90X.
You should see my guns from all the fork benching I do. T&T Girl comes out to openly flirt with Hayseed Hottie while asking where Baby Riggins’ blocks are.
What could have been…. minus with bigger boobs from the breast feeding.
Hayseed Hottie looks smitten, saying hi, and T&T Girl demurely returns the greeting. Hayseed Hottie says that she looks good, and this is all giving me a cavity.
I’m just gonna pretend that he’s looking at me that way…… SWOON!
Apparently, it’s rubbing Small Town Loser the wrong way too, because he verbally smacks Hayseed Hottie upside the head, telling him he’s doing it all wrong. If he wants a girl to like him, he has to ignore her, taking the forbidden fruit route. What is this, 4th Grade? He might as well advise him to make fun and generally be mean to T&T Girl. Because we all know that that means that a boy likes you.
The ignoring thing worked with Stripper Wife, however, when he got a lap dance from every other white trash whore at the Landing Strip except for her. Hayseed Hottie’s thought process derails a little at the revelation that his wife works there, asking which nights she’s lighting up the stage. Small Town Loser tells him to never mind when she’s working, saying instead that he has to let girls know that they can’t climb on your junk for free.
His concept of FREE is a bit warped, seeing as how he PAID all those strippers to climb up on there (figuratively, of course).
Actually, from what I know about teenage boys, they’d willingly give up their junk for free in exchange for just about any warm, moist hole. Hayseed Hottie, however, takes this bad advice to heart, thinking that the way to T&T Girl’s heart is by ignoring her.
That night, Coach Father Figure is futilely checking to see if the LionHater website has been taken down yet (it hasn’t), working himself up into a tizzy until Tami-Joe Clark shushes him. She just got Gracie Bell to sleep, and Princess Angst is probably hiding from her disapproving parents. Tami-Joe Clark tells him that, as bad as it is, it’ll be okay, because Coach is her life partner in her Crusade to Save The At-Risk Youth, and he’s changing their lives. Without them, Dillon would become a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. But with automatic weapons, Cadillac Escalades, drugs, and rap music. Suddenly, Tami-Joe Clark suggests having a morale building BBQ, which is a huge concession for her. We know from seasons past that she hates throwing BBQ’s, having inconsiderate teenagers destroy her lawn and judgemental parents giving backhanded compliments about how “quaint” and “charming” her house is, while they gossip about her behind her back. Someone should remind her, that compared to the ghetto projects, their house is gonna look like the Taj Mahal. Coach is about as shocked as I am, quick to remind her that she suggested it. But she knows that it’s necessary to pull the team together, and it’ll give Princess Angst something to do instead of sitting in the house pouting and lobbying for sympathy.
At that moment, Coach’s phone rings. It’s John O’Reilly, athletic director for some fictional college in Florida. Original QB1 gave him Coach’s number, and he’s calling about a job. Coach tries to say that he’s not interested, but Shane State is looking for a head coach and Coach Father Figure is the name at the top of their list!
Vegas is laying 4-1 odds that this dude becomes Coach Father Figure’s new boss.
For the 2nd time in as many minutes, Coach is shocked speechless. When he collects himself, he responds that he’s pretty happy where he is. Shane State Dude interrupts Coach’s continued efforts to shut down the conversation, unwilling to take NO for an answer. He’s states with confidence that they’re not finished talking about this, that Coach is the best damn high school coach in the nation, and they want him. Ladies and Gentlemen, I suspect we’ve just been clued in as to how this series will wrap up, at least for Coach.
Meanwhile, in the ghetto, Blind Side Lite is having difficulty throwing a football through a Goodyear brand tire when Deadbeat Dad joins him outside asking what’s wrong. Blind Side Lite expresses his belief that no colleges will be interested in him anymore now that his criminal record has been illegally made public. Deadbeat Dad considers this while pulling out his phone. He rattles off a list of area codes, the first one mentioned being 205. My BFF, Lrhflute, immediately got excited because that number was made famous by a certain velvet teddy bear who won the second season of our favorite reality show. I got nervous because I know that that’s the area code for Alabama. You know what school is in Alabama? Auburn University. You know who was Auburn’s most recent (black) quarterback? Cam Newton. You know whose father recently got him into a whole mess of trouble with the NCAA for recruiting violations and accepting gifts? Cam Newton’s. Lrhflute saw Ruben Studdard. I see DANGER!
The only thing missing is the tacky, busy sweater.
The point of Deadbeat Dad’s number dropping—to assure Blind Side Lite that schools are still very much interested in him. They don’t care about his criminal record if they believe he’s going to deliver a national championship to their school, bringing with it all the riches that follow. Blind Side Lite isn’t so sure, and Deadbeat Dad reminds his son about a particular memory from his childhood when Blind Side Lite climbed up a tree and was too afraid to come back down. Deadbeat Dad was there (and hopefully, not strung out on drugs) to help him down, saying that he wouldn’t let anything happen to him. That he wouldn’t let Blind Side Lite fall. The same holds true for today. This is an honest, genuine father/son moment, but the cynical side of me replaces Blind Side Lite with a pile of cash and prizes. To me, that’s what Deadbeat Dad won’t let fall or get away, especially with the way he’s been behaving with the recruiters and at practice.
The next morning, Coach is cleaning out the refrigerator, while Tami-Joe Clark picks up dirty laundry. Princess Angst, meanwhile, stands in front of her closet, bitching about how it’s been turned into storage. Tami-Joe Clark says that they’re having 300 people for the BBQ, and I choke on my iced coffee. That’s a lot of fucking people. How do you even begin to cook for 300 people? Grilling 300 burgers is gonna take 5 hours alone. And how many pounds of potatoes do you need for the potato salad? The paper dishes, plastic cups, napkins and utensils are going to cost a fortune! No wonder Tami-Joe Clark hates having these BBQ’s. There goes their next paychecks, and they’ll be cleaning up for a week. While Coach Father Figure bitches about garbage he’s finding in the fridge, Tami-Joe Clark wants Princess Angst to go shopping for the whole BBQ, and gives her the responsibility of setting up for it and taking care of Gracie Bell for the duration of the BBQ. Princess Angst tries to protest, but Tami-Joe Clark isn’t having it. If it were me, I’d be asking how much all this work is worth towards the debt owed for the car repairs.
This is as close as I can get to the Gratuitous Semi-Naked Pic of the Week…. sorry.
Over at the White Trash Bally’s Total Fitness, Small Town Loser has Hayseed Hottie pounding a tractor tire with a sledge hammer, jumping up and down on a workout bench while holding a propane tank, and running the length of the yard pushing a wheelbarrow filled with bricks, among other things. Meanwhile, Small Town Loser has Baby Riggins strapped to his chest while he’s drinking a beer. Nice parenting.
If you feel yourself starting to pass out, please try to fall backwards.
When he’s done with his cross training, Small Town Loser calls him over to the juice bar and blends up a smoothie for him with what looks like raw eggs, yogurt, spinach, oatmeal, and hot sauce. YUM! Hayseed Hottie has to hold his nose to get it down, choking on the chunks of unblended leaves. Small Town Loser says he used to make them for Texas Forever, and Texas Forever went to college and won a state championship. Texas Forever also promptly dropped out of college and went to jail. Flip a coin here.
Are you sure that didn’t come out Baby Riggins’ diaper? You might wanna check before you try to ingest that sewage.
The difference between Hayseed Hottie and Texas Forever seems to be the desire to inflict bodily injury. Hayseed asserts that he likes to hit people, but Small Town Loser doesn’t believe him. To get Hayseed sufficiently worked up, he’s taped a picture of the Evil Empire’s star wide receiver to a punching bag. Hayseed immediately channels all his rage and aggression, going berserk on the bag. That is, until Small Town Loser hears his baby crying, and runs off like a girl shouting his name. First of all, when did he unstrap the kid from his chest. 2nd of all, why is a kid not even a year old left unsupervised. Stripper Wife must be climbing the pole at the Landing Strip, and who knows where T&T Girl is. Again, I say, nice parenting.
Later, at Red Storm practice, Deadbeat Dad is chewing off Original QB1’s ear off about Blind Side Lite’s scrambling ability like he’s an auctioneer selling his prized heifer to an audience that doesn’t seem interested.
6 Magic Beans? That’s all you’re offering?
Personally, I wonder why Original QB1 is even there, particularly because he’s wearing an Evil Empire jersey. Isn’t that like escorting a fox directly into the hen house? Stripper Wife knows all about that… maybe we should ask her.
Coach Father Figure looks uncomfortable as well, calling for a water break. QB Princess takes the opportunity to harass Coach about the recommendation letter. Distracted, he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, until he remembers that he’s already called the head coach on her behalf. Like QB Princess, I’m a little shocked and impressed, given everything that Coach has been dealing with. But it doesn’t come without strings. He asks QB Princess how Blind Side Lite is doing, and if she’s noticed anyone **cough, Deadbeat Dad, cough** getting in touch with TMU on his behalf.
Least convincing liar ever.
QB Princess squirms a little, and proceeds to do the worst thing she could possibly do. She lies to Coach Father Figure! HOW COULD YOU?!?!?!? I get her loyalties are split, and rats have a way of getting killed in the ghetto, but he just made a phone call to give you a personal recommendation! Real nice!
Meanwhile, Blind Side Lite checks in with Original QB1, plugging him for information on which schools are interested in him. Original QB1 tries to be realistic and keep Blind Side Lite grounded, but Deadbeat Dad is seriously making the full court press here. Coach Father Figure calls an end to the break, and interrupts the interrogation to ask for his QB back. Deadbeat Dad plays coy about the ownership of said QB and begs Coach to let Vince show off his long passing abilities. If you could get bruised by passive aggression, Coach would have a black eye and a fat lip right about now. Original QB1 rolls over to Coach and plays the part of Capt. Obvious by telling Coach that he’s got a problem in Deadbeat Dad. Don’t we all know it!
At the Red Storm BBQ, everyone is loading up on beans, franks, and chips. The grill is smoking, and Coach is having a difficult time with the cheese. Original QB1 and Princess Angst catch up, which is weird, because they weren’t really close friends, from what I remember, but it does tweek a bit of nostalgia for the old days. Preacher Man calls for silence as he blesses the meal and intercedes with God on behalf of the team. He tells everyone to eat, except they’re all pretty much done. Hayseed Hottie ignores T&T Girl, choosing instead to help Princess Angst with the trash.
Is she looking at me? NO, DON’T LOOK! Do you think she likes me? If I ask her out, do you think she’ll say yes?
Out in the front yard, Blind Side Lite and Deadbeat Dad are playing ball with all the little rugrats while Not Sandra Bullock and QB Princess chat about the Huxtable Family Reunion going on. Not Sandra Bullock clearly has blinders on, only able to see how close her boys are getting. QB Princess is skeptical, but she can’t help but be happy for her. And precisely at that moment, Deadbeat Dad’s phone rings, and he takes a call from what must be another random college scout. While he’s talking, Coach Father Figure spies his opportunity to confront his “problem.”
How do you solve a problem like Deadbeat Dad?
Deadbeat Dad quickly gets off the phone as Coach approaches. After exchanging a few awkward pleasantries, Coach asks if Deadbeat Dad knows why he’s been getting ticket requests from college scouts for the game tomorrow. Deadbeat Dad laughs, saying he just knows they’re interested in his boy. Coach then attempts to clarify their agreement that all the college recruiting is to go through him. Now it’s Deadbeat Dad’s turn to lie right to Coach’s face, saying that’s he doesn’t remember that at all, and no one put Coach in charge of the recruiting process. Actually, that’s exactly what happened, but the dollar signs in Deadbeat Dad’s eyes probably have more than a little bit to do with this current example of revisionist history. Why does everyone take Coach Father Figure for a fool, particularly since Coach is the reason why Blind Side Lite isn’t locked up in Juvie? Deadbeat Dad proceeds to lay down his version of the truth–that he’s looking out for his son. Coach can boss around all the other “bitch ass parents,” but he isn’t one of them. And with what comes off as a threat, he says that he won’t let Coach get in the way of his plans for the future. Then he completes the show of total disrespect by walking off to get another piece of pie. And Coach is just left to stand there and do nothing while Blind Side Light looks on pretending to not know what just went down.
That night, in bed, Tami-Joe Clark tells Coach Father Figure that she’s skipping the game to drive up to Princess Angst’s college to pick up her “homework.” Coach argues with her, asking if she’s gonna take the classes for her daughter, and what, is Princess Angst in kindergarten? EXACTLY!!! Tami-Joe Clark doesn’t know what else to do. Coach suggests that while Tami-Joe’s up there, she should blow the whistle on TA Tweed Jacket. Tami, in turn, reminds Coach of Princess Angst’s responsibility in the affair, leave Coach to quirm at the thought of his daughter having sex. Hey, at least you didn’t walk in on her having sex this time! They both calm down, and Tami-Joe Clark cuddles with her husband. Coach kisses her forehead, thanking her for the BBQ, for their two beautiful girls, for doing the laundry.
If I had a domestic partner who always did my laundry, I’d thank them every day for the rest of my life too.
It’s a really sweet, tender moment which becomes totally hilarious when Coach asks if she wants to “fool around.” Tami-Joe Clark agrees, and then passes out on Coach’s chest. HAHAHAHA!!!! Looks like he’ll have blue balls going into tomorrow’s game.
The next day, Tami-Joe Clark arrives at Princess Angst’s history professor’s office. TA Tweed Jacket is helping another female student when he notices Tami-Joe Clark standing there and greets her. Tami-Joe Clark asks for the absent professor, and he identifies himself as the TA. Immediately, Tami-Joe Clark knows that she has unknowingly confronted the married man who seduced her daughter and whose wife humiliated her in front of her entire dorm. He asks if he can help her, and she says that she’s there to pick up Princess Angst’s homework.
I think someone just shit their tighty whities.
TA Tweed Jacket breaks out in a cold sweat realizing who she is, and his eyes bug as far out as biologically possible without popping out of their sockets. He asks how Princess Angst is doing, and Tami-Joe Clark considers how she’s gonna respond. If this were a Lifetime movie, we’d get an amazingly melodramatic blowup.
Not With My Daughter: The Tami-Joe Clark Story
However, this is FNL, and the big moments are handled with quiet sincerity and realism. She simply says that she’s fine, but in a tone of voice that clearly communicates that he has no business asking after her daughter. TA Tweed Jacket gets the hint, and spends the next minute uncomfortably gathering Princess Angst’s assignments while Tami-Joe Clark stands there, tall and dignified, seething with anger, and refusing the make eye contact. He gives her a textbook and several manila folders of stuff. Tami-Joe Clark, with proper southern etiquette, thanks him, and walks out. BRILLIANT!
Back in East Dillon, the players are arriving for the game amidst the fans and the pep band. Some of the fans/boosters call out to Hayseed Hottie to break some heads. One of them mentions the name of the Evil Empire’s star wide receiver (the guy whose picture Hayseed Hottie ripped to shreds on the punching bag), and Hayseed Hottie unleashes a torrent of pent up aggression. Someone must have sprinkled cocaine on his Wheaties this morning. Heading into the locker room, he finally acknowledges T&T Girl, with a, “Hay, Rally Girl!”
Is ignoring you working yet? Have you fallen for me?
T&T Girl isn’t amused, slinging attitude at Hayseed Hottie. He looks at her for a moment, then turns away, pointing her in the direction of the stadium. T&T Girl calls after him saying she’s not going to the game, and Hayseed Hottie brushes his shoulders off.
The radio announcer/narrator calls game time. Over on the Evil Empire’s sidelines, Original QB1 is pumping up the Panthers.
What do you think is more inspirational–the fact that he’s a cripple or the fact that he’s an agent and can get them all recruited for college and then the pros?
As my BFF wisely commented to me, this was the first time she’s ever hated him. I had to remind her that the Evil Empire didn’t defect over to the Dark Side until the end of Season 3, when they unceremoniously fired Coach. Over on the Red Storm’s sideline, Coach Father Figure tells his players to never mind the idiots in the stands. The game is played on the field, and if they have commitment, they’ve got this game.
I’d be willing to bet that one of these asswipes created LionHater.com. And one of their fathers was at that table of Panther boosters.
The game starts with the Evil Empire having possession of the ball. Hayseed Hottie taunts Star Wide Receiver, as they line up for a play. The ball is snapped, and the Evil Empire QB, who is black and, therefore, not Asshat McCoy, passes to Star Wide Receiver. He takes a step or two before Hayseed Hottie makes the tackle.
Doing his best Ford Focus impression, Hayseed Hottie plows into him like he’s a brick mailbox.
He goes down and can’t get back up. NICE, SOLID, CLEAN HIT! The coaches have to keep the Lions in check on the sidelines as the taunting escalates. Next play, the Evil Empire QB snaps the ball, scrambles a little, and gets sacked hard by Hayseed Hottie. Pushing and shoving erupts on the field and yellow flags go flying. Here come the penalties.
When the Red Storm takes over possession of the ball, Blind Side Lite takes a snap and drops back, looking to pass. I guess no receivers were open, because he starts to scramble as pressure closes in around him, and he runs the ball all the way in for a TD. The crowd goes wild, the Red Storm celebrate, and Deadbeat Dad cheers from the stands with a random scout wearing a baby blue cap.
Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s career really has shit the toilet. If you listen close, you can hear him whispering “Show me the MONEY!”
Now, to me, baby blue means North Carolina. And if I recall correctly, they’re shit in football. If Deadbeat Dad is gonna take control of this recruiting process, he might want to pick better schools to court.
The Evil Empire has the ball again, but not for long, as Hayseed Hottie intercepts a throw, and returns the ball for another Red Storm TD. YAAAAAAAAAY!!! These last few games have been stellar for him, especially on defense. Why aren’t more schools looking at him?!?!?!??!
Maybe now that Coach has some time to kill, he could find Hayseed another scholarship opportunity.
The Red Storm kick off, and Lil Dick gets a great tackle on the guy returning the ball. Booster Dick swells with pride on the sidelines too. Everything is going right for the Red Storm. That is, until the Red Storm players continue to taunt, initiating more pushing and shoving, and earning more yellow flags.
At what point do you stop reclaiming your dignity and start proving your detractors right?
Old Coach has had enough of the chest thumping and implores Coach Father Figure to do something. He walks by, yelling at the players. Small Town Loser apparently sees nothing wrong with how the game is being played and tells Old Coach to calm down. Old Coach loses his shit on Small Town Loser, who gets a look on his face like he’s 5 and just got his hand caught in the cookie jar.
Suddenly, there are 21 seconds left in the game, and the Red Storm have beat down the Evil Empire by a score of 31-7. Coach sends Blind Side Lite out to take a knee and end the game. From the stands, Deadbeat Dad panics since his son hasn’t been given the opportunity to throw a long TD bomb. Blind Side Lite looks to him, they make eye contact, and Deadbeat Dad points at his son. This is just bad. Very very bad.
Gives new meaning to the term Monday Morning Quarterback
Blind Side Lite subtly nods, and at the line, he pulls back and calls a play. The offensive line adjusts, and the ball is snapped, with a very confused and angry Coach yelling from the sidelines. At this point, I rewind my DVR to check the scoreboard to see if there are any timeouts left. In this situation, if I were Coach, I would have called a time out, ripped Blind Side Lite a new asshole for pulling a stunt like this, and sent in QB2 to go out and take a knee. Instead, Blind Side Lite takes the snap, drops back in the pocket, waits about two seconds and heaves up a long throw that drops in the arms of Sunshine 2.0 for a 65 yard TD. I can’t help but love the extra serving of embarrassment heaped on the Evil Empire, but this is showboating at its best. I can’t help but hang my head along with Old Coach. Baby Blue Scout marvels at the throw, and Blind Side Lite points at his bicep in a show of superiority. Old Coach says to Coach Father Figure that this isn’t who they are, but it doesn’t matter. The damage is already done. Deadbeat Dad orchestrated the play to show off his son to the scouts. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Tinker jumps around amidst the dejected Evil Empire players shouting at them to get off their field.
It’s difficult to maintain moral superiority when start rubbing your victory in the face of the losers.
Back in the locker room, the Red Storm wildly celebrate their victory by hoisting the Oil Rig Trophy. Meanwhile, Coach Father Figure rips into Blind Side Lite for throwing that pass. Blind Side Lite argues back, saying he did it for to punish the Evil Empire for what they did to all of them. Coach shouts back, asking if his father had anything to do with it.
Can we please go back to doing things MY WAY? We might start losing, but at least I won’t be made to look like a fool.
Blind Side Lite admits it and brushes it off, saying that he doesn’t care because his dad looking out for his future. Coach stands there seething and finally storms off into his office. I can’t help feeling bad for Coach. He’s got a strong team, undefeated and clearly headed for the playoffs, but he suddenly has no control over them. Instead of rising above, they’re playing like the thugs that everyone sees them as. That head coaching job in Florida is looking mighty tempting now, huh?
Outside the field, Hayseed Hottie is asked to autograph a cap for an East Dillon youngster. The kid’s father compliments him on his tremendous hits, and Hayseed Hottie laughs. T&T Girl comes up, and Hayseed asks if she stayed for the game. She tells him that the Rally Girls worked concession for the game. She congratulates him on the win, and goes in for a hug. Hayseed Hottie shrugs her off, and T&T Girl calls him out for suddenly acting so weird. He tries to play stupid, but T&T Girl presses, saying he’s usually nice to her. Finally, the façade breaks down and he asks if she really likes it when he’s nice to her. She says yes, and he apologizes, explaining the idiotic plan to get her to like him. He tells her that he really likes her, and she finally tells him that she feels the same way. And after weeks of keeping him at arm’s length, she finally kisses him.
The last time they did this, they made a baby. Just saying….
And while they’re kissing, he laughs, saying that the plan totally worked. And in a warped way, he’s right. Just don’t tell Small Town Loser. There’s no need to validate his stupidity any further.
Back at the Taylor household, Princess Angst is sitting in the living room watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel when Tami-Joe Clark walks in the door and drops a load of books on the coffee table.
Henry James…. MLA Handbook…. Western Civilation and Culture….. I’m having stress induced flashbacks from my own freshman year in college! Maybe I can get diagnosed with PTSD and a prescription for some kickass anti-depressants.
Like the vapid, self involved child that she is, she asks where her mom got all those books. DUH!!!! Her next question—did she see TA Tweed Jacket? Here’s a quarter, Princess Angst. BUY A FUCKING CLUE! Do you seriously think your mom drove up to school and gathered your assignments like you just missed a few days of elementary school with the chicken pox to have a chat with your married lover? God, this girl is STUPID! Tami-Joe Clark says that she did talk to him, but when Princess Angst asks what he said, she simply responds that she needs to study. I can’t figure out if the intention was to make it appear that TA Tweed Jacket said that, or if she was just blowing the question off. Either way, do the fucking homework that your parents are paying many thousands of dollars for you to get. AND GROW THE FUCK UP!
Back in the football office, Old Coach is listening to the sports radio program bash his team for the sorry display of sportsmanship we just witnessed.
What was that I heard about leopards not being able to change their spots?
Coach Father Figure asks if he’s going to Buddy’s for a beer, and he responds that he’s not in the mood for celebrating. My guess is that neither is Coach Father Figure, but I’m sure he probably has to at least make an appearance. He heads out to his car, only to see Blind Side Lite chatting it up with Deadbeat Dad and Baby Blue Scout.
The other shoe (courtesy of Deadbeat Dad’s “friend” at TMU) is about to drop
And again, I shake my head. No good can come of this. Put on your rain coats and hats, ladies and gentlemen, because shit’s about to hit the fan.