Come Hell Or High Watersports

I just rediscovered the lost magic of the lava lamp. It’s been sitting on my desk for quite some time, but I almost never think to turn it on. Now it’s back to full capacity, bubbling and swirling and glowing like it was born to do. You see, football is like a lava lamp…

(five hours and several drinks later)

…so, wait, so what I’m trying to say here, is what I’m trying to say, is that the Friday Night Lights were awesome this week. Spring break 2000!!!1We pick up where we left off last week, at the end of the Long Corridor of Existential Death. Landry is confessing to the murder, insisting that he wanted to kill the guy. Didn’t catch that? Don’t worry, he’ll make damn sure you do by the end of the episode. He describes to the investigator, in detail, exactly what he did and that he meant to do it. The guy leaves the room for a moment to tell Daddy Clarke that his dumbass son is being too stubborn to make this any easier. Landry can tell that something is up, so he barges out into the hallway to inform them that he came to CONFESS! He has a CONFESSION to make, dammit! Papa informs him that they’re going home and proceeds to literally drag him out of the police station. I get that Landry’s trying to make things right and ease his conscience and all, but does he even remotely realize what would happen to him in jail? I watch Prison Break, so I know. One word: T-Bag. (Or is that two?)

Grandma Lorraine bursts into Matt’s bedroom, much to the surprise of Matt, who is in bed with Carlotta. He hastily throws the covers over her, and Grandma is far too preoccupied with the disappearance of her Snackwell cookies to even question the Latina-shaped lump in her grandson’s bed.

Baby Grace continues her assault on the hearts and minds of America with another priceless gem of a face:

“Shelly, put down the machete!”

But no one stops to notice because the Taylor Family household is in the midst of a relentless hurricane of activity. Grace’s christening is this weekend, and Tami is yelling out instructions at anyone who might listen, which is no one. Coach runs off to rent a party tent, while Julie arrives to bitch and moan, saying that the whole thing isn’t even a big deal. Actually, Julie, it is, because YOU’RE the godmother. Really, Taylors? You’re making Julie the godmother? I get that it’s a very nice gesture, but if I remember correctly, the godparents are supposed to be the ones to take care of the baby if something happens to the parents. And, if God forbid something like that should happen in this situation, I’m thinking Julie’s parenting skills currently hover somewhere around Britney Spears Level.

Coach pulls Tim Riggins into his office. He tells him that as Athletic Director, he needs someone to help out with some of the other sports that are understaffed, someone who has flaked out in the past and who owes him a favor. “First guy that comes to mind is Williams,” Tim snarks. GOD I love this kid. If someone gave him his own show and it only consisted of him lounging around on the coach, drinking and yelling at a toaster, I’d watch every second and probably preorder the first five seasons on DVD. Coach tells him he’s now in charge of the girls’ volleyball uniforms, which need to be washed. Tim sighs.

Ahh! It’s Jason! While I proceed to change my pants, he and Herc (UGH) cruise around the internet. Herc finds a dating website consisting of girls who prefer the company of men of the wheeled variety. Jason scoffs until he notices a perky young thing named Isabella, who, incidentally, looks exactly like Lyla. They start giggling about it like little schoolgirls until Jason’s mom interrupts to bring them some carrot sticks. What is this, Awkward Parental Figure Barging In On Licentiousness Day?

Papa Clarke arrives to bring Tyra the happy news of Landry’s confession and to suggest the name of a good lawyer. A tearful Tyra asks what’s going to happen to Landry, but he doesn’t have an answer. And you should be more worried about your own hide, Papa. You destroyed evidence, hasn’t anyone pointed this out yet? My suggestion: get Johnnie Cochran on the line. What’s that? He’s dead? Death cannot stop solid litigating skills and witty rhyming catchphrases!

Tim, off to do some laundry, is confronted once again by The Blob. Good Lord, he’s back again too? Could we arrange some sort of caged deathmatch between him, Herc, and Shelly, with no survivors? Blob tells him that he’ll regret going back to the team. Tim shrugs him off, possibly because he’s just as confused as we are.

Tyra arrives at Landry’s house to yell at him for confessing. He once again says that it was the right thing to do because…he killed a man!

Football, football, football. Santiago is not doing well. Coach yells at him for about five minutes, then returns to the sidelines to meet a worried Buddy. Coach tells him the kid’s got great instincts, but his head is stopping him from following through.

Landry and his dad are meeting with their broken-down old attorney, who tells them that if they play it up as self-defense, Landry could get off the hook. This does not sit well with our dear boy, who insists that he doesn’t want them to frame it in any special way because, say it with me, he killed a man.

Lyla is on a scenic drive past Jason’s house, so she stops by to say hi. Huh? Whatever. I’ve given up on trying to understand the relationship between these two. It could only be explained through complex theorems and those strange dot and stick graphs in Good Will Hunting. He says hi, then fields a phone call and makes a date with the online harpy Isabella. Lyla looks amused, then teases him once he gets off the phone. Jason, in a rare goofy moment, giggles and fills her in, leaving out the fact that the girl is from…The Internet! *thunder clap* Lyla seems genuinely happy for him, but who knows what these crazy kids are really thinking. Let’s just get Matt Damon in here to explain it all, or, failing that, Clarissa.

Julie pays a visit to her father’s office, saying that she needs to talk to him despite the self-imposed rules to never talk to him at school. Coach makes an adorable celebratory gesture, then tells her to take a seat. Julie tells him that she’s drowning under all of the work her mother is giving her with the christening, especially since she’s busy enough with school as it is, and she doesn’t want to disappoint her. Coach promises to talk to Tami, and should also promise never to do this again:

“Panthers win State!”

Cut to a gymnastics meet. Bwa? It takes me forever to figure out where they’re going with this, until I see Tim Riggins, who’s in charge of the scoreboard. Heh heh. He looks pissed at the world, so Coach approaches to ask him if he’s doing alright. Tim, flashing his best angsty brooding face, says, “Not really. We just got an 8.6, Coach. Stacy should be getting those doublebacks, she’s been her own worst enemy all day. It’s pretty bad.” Oh, Tim Riggins. You can no longer do any wrong in my eyes. Steal Jason’s fiances, screw a handful of MILFs, befriend little alien demon children, I don’t care. You are a golden god of hilarity.

Unfortunately, this comedic nugget of a scene is ruined by The Blob, who is standing practically underneath the balance beam, applauding the girls and generally just acting like the creepy perv that he is. Coach almost flips out, until Tim steps in and tells him he’s his roommate. Coach reigns himself in, but barks that Blob needs to go back and sit in the bleachers. When Tim goes over to talk to him, Blob suggests that they pay a visit to The Landing Strip and ogle Mindy (EW). Tim tells him that he can’t leave, so Blob says he’ll wait. Coach watches the whole scene with a disapproving eye, though he’s possibly just offended by the unbearable stench.

Santiago is going over the playbook with Buddy, who’s quizzing him and telling him that he needs to memorize the whole thing before the game on Friday. Santiago looks overwhelmed and miserable. Hey, where are all of the delightful hijinks that we were promised with these two? We can’t go directly into the dramatic stuff! I demand inexperienced parenting tomfoolery! Though perhaps we catch a small hint of it when Buddy presents dinner as, I swear to God this is what it sounds like, “steak and Ramen semen.”

In the Taylor bed, Coach relays the message to Tami that Julie is feeling overworked. Tami immediately recognizes this as bullshit, and Coach once again haphazardly attempts to pretend that he already knew that. Tami goes on about how Julie couldn’t possibly be overextended in any way, and that she needs her help because the whole family is coming and it’s a big deal. Coach gulps and says he told Julie everything she just said.

Landry is lying in bed, listening to music and wearing his sexy Crucifictorious t-shirt (of which I can finally say I am now a proud owner) when Dad arrives to talk. Landry tries to dismiss him, because HE KILLED A MAN, but Papa finally has something of use to say. “If you go to prison, it’ll break my heart,” he chokes. Landry isn’t having any of it, since he somehow still thinks he’s lying about what he did. Papa attempts to bring some logic into the situation, saying that the guy had already tried to hurt them, that they were fearful for their own lives, and that it was self-defense. Landry still looks doubtful, but maybe it’s because he it’s been five whole seconds since he last said he killed a man.

Coach arrives at the locker room the next morning to find Tim waking up atop a bench. He asks if this sudden work ethic has anything to do with his living situation. Tim tells him no, as he plays with a rhythmic gymnastics ribbon. Nice touch.

“I am a forest sprite.”

Matt and Smash are hard at work over at the Arctic Freeze when Carlotta stops in. Smash, alerted to the presence of boobies, flies over to the counter. Matt tries to stop him but Smash grins and says he’s got this one, as he needs to fulfill his Douchebag Quota for the week. He introduces himself but Carlotta tells him that she’s here to see Matt. Smash finally understands and, humbled (or as much as Smash can be humbled), prances off to fix her a free ice cream. After Matt and Carlotta flirt for a minute, Matt goes to the back, where Smash congratulates him. Ugh. He goes on to warn him that he’s in a situation that’s too good to last, so Matt needs to set some ground rules. Honestly, Matt? You’re still listening to Smash? Every time that kid opens up his mouth you should be sticking your fingers in your ears and singing some sexy Crucifictorious at the top of your lungs.

Landry and Tyra are cuddling on his porch. He says he doesn’t want to choose between jail or hell, so to clarify this, he asks Tyra if she really feared for her life. To which the answer should be, to use an early-nineties expression and recent inexplicable Honda sales tagline: DUHH. Instead, Tyra politely says yes, and that he saved her life. But Tyra, haven’t you been listening?? He killed a man!!

Santiago and Buddy are in the car, when Buddy makes some comment about the upcoming game. Santiago explodes, more or less screaming you’re not my real dad and you don’t even know me and that I don’t need any favors from you and whatnot. Good job, Santiago, your efforts to blend in as a normal teenager are coming along quite nicely. I recommend you study the habits of Miss Julie Taylor, who has elevated such talents to a veritable art form. Buddy calmly pulls the car over and sternly tells him that he can either go back to juvie with a bunch of boys who are going nowhere, or he can go out there tonight and become part of team. Because if he doesn’t do it now, he won’t ever do it. “I hate you,” mutters Santiago.

“Wait until my livejournal hears about THIS.”

Is it just me, or did this kind of come out of nowhere? I feel like an episode went missing or something, one that contained more story development with these two and maybe a resolution with Noah the pervy teacher. Clearly, tensions have been bubbling up in the estranged Garrity household, but we didn’t really get to see any of it. I’ve always felt this show has done a pretty good job of balancing plotlines and giving everyone an equal amount of attention, but lately it seems they’ve been dropping the ball on that front. Just saying. I just want more of everyone, is all.

Tami is gabbing away on the phone, making more party plans and sketching some erotic doodles. Julie comes in to model the new dress she bought. Tami makes a squinty face, so Julie sighs and says “Tell me what you want me to wear, I will go put it on.” Good Lord, it’s as if they secretly bugged my room when I was a teenager and are now stealing actual dialogue from my own adolescence, word for word. Amazing. Tami says that she knows it’s been hard on Julie ever since Grace came along, but she needs to grow up and rise to the occasion. Julie argues that she won’t LET her grow up, that all she wants is a nice picture and to seem like the perfect family. They fight back and forth very realistically for a little while (nice job, ladies), ending with Julie storming out, saying that she does so much for her mother and that a thank you would be nice. Haha. That is so classic teenager, feeling all unappreciated for no reason and not even remotely recognizing the efforts of your parents. Tami, as if echoing my own thoughts, mutters to herself, “Well, I think a thank you would be nice, too.”

Party balloons? Or hidden phallus?

Cut to the ole police station, which I now never want to see again. Landry states, on tape, that he was in fear for his life, and that’s why he killed him. But he doesn’t sound entirely convinced, and neither am I. Can we even be sure that the guy is dead? We’ve gotten no verbal confirmation!

Anyway, who can care about Landry while Jason’s out on his big date! Looks like it’s going well, until Jason asks why she posted on that website. She counters by asking why he was looking there in the first place. Awkward. She then admits that she was just looking for guys who were more open-minded. Jason says he understands, which the strumpet misinterprets as a green light for more salacious talk. “Can I tell you what really gets me going?” she coos. “Sure,” Jason blurts, his face frozen into a nervous smile. She leans in closer and says, “Pee.” She then excuses herself and runs off to the bathroom, presumably to dance around in her own urinations. Jason, stunned, remains at the table to perform the best series of facial expressions I’ve ever seen.

The four stages of What The Fuck

Seriously, it’s hilarious. Fear and disgust and horror and nausea all rolled up into one, spread out over a painfully long space of something like fifteen seconds. I knew I loved this kid for a reason. He grabs the waitress and tells her to tell Isabella that something came up and he had to leave. She refuses to help him ditch his date, so he desperately blurts “I met this girl on the internet and she was talking about pee and I’m not comfortable with where it’s going.” HA! Cut to a few minutes later, as Isabella returns to an empty table and the waitress tells her that he left. Isabella becomes belligerent, saying that that’s impossible because she was his ride, eventually splashing a glass of water into the poor girl’s face. Isabella storms out, leaving the girl to glare over at the kitchen doors, where Jason balefully peers out from behind and mouths an apology.

“Can someone check the weather forecast? Does it call for Golden Showers?”

Game time. Tim is back in uniform, Smash is hooting it up, Santiago is vomiting in the bathroom. Everything is as it should be. Slammin’ Sammy brings us up to speed: the other team’s got J.D. Pepper, an unstoppable juggernaut of destruction who has allowed them to score on three out of their four possessions. At the half, the Panthers are losing 28-13. As they return to the field, Buddy pulls Coach aside and pleads for him to put Santiago into the game. Coach says he’s not ready, but Buddy insists. And when Buddy Garrity insists, it’s just so hard to say no. Just look at those puppy dog eyes, those sweaty nostrils, that George Washington hair. He’s priceless!

The Panthers continued to get pounded. Suddenly, Coach, hearing the dramatic music swell, realizes that it’s time to put the kid in. Play after play, Santiago goes down. The soundtrack pounds with his heavy breathing, which I think is a nice effect, as he looks out at the crowd and realizes that he has become Part Of A Team. As they set up for the next play, he balls his fists and starts snarling like a dog. After the snap, he barrels forward and destroys Pepper. SANTIAGO SMASH!

“Buddy, put your shirt back on.”

After the game, Buddy pulls Santiago over as he exits the locker room to tell him that he won the game. “I know football,” he smiles. “You changed the momentum of the game. You brought the magic.” He then tries to apologize for what happened earlier in the car, but Santiago stops him and simply says, “Thank you.” Love this kid! And it certainly doesn’t hurt that his real name is Benny Ciaramello. All that awesomeness AND he’s named after a candy bar? Bitchin’.

Jason and Waitress trade bad date stories as she gives him a ride home. When they arrive, he thanks her for saving his ass, and then they smooch. Aw. I like this girl, I hope she doesn’t turn out to be a flake like the last one. If she convinces him to get a tattoo in hieroglyphics, then I give up.

Matt attempts to lay down some ground rules with Carlotta, but shockingly just starts stuttering and babbling and not really going anywhere with this. She shuts him up with a kiss and says she’s going to teach him how to make mole.

Blob wakes up Tim by screaming that he forgot to feed the ferrets and…shoving a gun in his face. WTF? Tim is understandably scared shitless, blubbering an apology. Blob starts laughing and yells “Got ya!” But then some very creepy horror film music pipes in, and I begin to seriously fear for the well-being of my dear Riggins. Blob continues to laugh and invites him downstairs, where he is hosting an impromptu soirée. Yeah. Break out the crystal and fancy napkin rings. Blob introduces him to his friends, the fittingly-named Shotgun, Connor, Petey, and Spence. They offer him some drugs, but he quickly says that he’s going to run down to the store to buy some vodka. They approve. Tim grabs his boots, bolts for the door, and screeches away in his truck. To Jason’s? Hopefully?

“I’m sorry I said you were fat! You’re a vision in sweatpants, darling!”

Nope, for as it turns out, Jason didn’t even come home to his own house last night. Waitress drops him off the next morning with a kiss, and he smiles giddily as she drives away. No such happiness awaits him within, however. Dad is standing at the door with his arms crossed while Mom screams “Jason Mitchell Street!” (Mitchell? Really?) They’re frantic because he didn’t call and they didn’t know where he was all night. He apologizes, then goes on to once again crush my dreams by informing them that he’s moving in with…Herc. Dammit! What is it going to take to rebuild the once-epic Riggins-Street Powerhouse of Rockitude?!

It’s christening time! Shelly is putting a necklace around Julie’s neck, when Tami stops in and says that she can do it. Seriously, Shelly needs to leave. The only thing she’s good for is fastening jewelry, and now we clearly don’t even need her for that. Be gone, wench. Tami tells Julie that she was right, she does want a nice family picture, because she wants her family back. She wants Julie back, so that she can be a big sister to Gracie. “And so today, for me, is such a big deal because I’m going to be able to celebrate my two amazing daughters,” she says. Julie, the little shit, doesn’t look very impressed with this touching little speech. But Tami hugs her anyway and says she loves her, and Julie finally apologizes for earlier.

A few minutes later, party preparations threaten to descend the Taylor household into madness. The baby is missing, the plates aren’t out, and the quiche isn’t done! THE QUICHE! And to top it all off, Tim Riggins is asleep in his truck out in front of the house. Coach, frowning, taps on the window to wake him up. He then wordlessly opens up the garage and hands him a sleeping bag. AT THE VERY SAME TIME, the Streets and Lyla (weird) help Jason move into Herc’s place! Well, now they’re clearly just throwing it in my face to taunt me.

At the christening, Julie tenderly holds Grace while their parents watch, beaming. It’s lovely.

The investigator arrives at the Clarke household while Landry and Dad lounge beneath an impressive display of family portraits. Papa goes to answer the door. Minutes later, Landry shows up on Tyra’s stoop. “They’re not pressing charges,” he mumbles. Fantastic. Now let us never speak of this again.

“I suppose we could remove the one of Aunt Edna to make room for your mugshot.”

Overall, a good episode, I thought. I liked the Santiago story, though as I said I still feel like we missed something there. I’m quickly losing whatever small amount of interest I had in Matt and Carlotta. The christening thing was nice, though at times it felt like the fight between Tami and Julie was a little forced, as if they didn’t really have much to go on this week. I thought for sure The Blob was out of our lives forever after last week, I don’t really think his presence was needed for one more episode, but at least Tim is finally out of there. I know some of you no longer care about Jason, but I for one am thrilled that he’s back (and less whiny), especially since his story was so hilarious. And I think the murder was wrapped up as well as it could under the circumstances. Landry got really annoying towards the end, I know he was being tortured by his conscience, but enough is enough. People who love you are trying to help you, just let them already. Don’t be so cranky just because you don’t have any eyebrows. Perhaps Coach will lend you some of his.

What did you think? Did Landry:
a) kill a man
b) kill a man
c) I’m not sure, he was never quite clear about that

No more episodes until the new year! Have a happy holiday, and may all of your showers be golden!