Recap: Friday Night Lights: Sexy Time. High Five!

You know when you have a really good friend, and then that good friend becomes something more, and then you date for a while and at some point you just know you’re destined to be together forever and you ask for that friend’s hand in marriage? Well, that’s what has happened for me, and the name of that friend is Friday Night Lights. You’ll all be invited to the wedding.

We begin this week in some shithole bar, where Tim and his father are shooting pool with a bunch of evil rednecks. I’m just impressed that they were able to wrangle that pool table away form the National Quad Rugby Team. Team Riggins wins and Dad demands $100 from the loser, who accuses him of hustling. Tim throws a pool ball at the big galoot, who then flips out and starts beating him up. Tyra, concerned, asks his father if he’s going to, you know, stop the ruthless beating of his 17-year-old son, but he just sits back and says that he can handle it. The owner breaks up the fight, so the loser pays up and leaves. Whatever, Tyra could kill you all.Matt and Julie are “reviewing Spanish flashcards”, and by that I of course mean “viciously making out”. They are interrupted by Crazy Grandma, who demands to know where her missing pudding is, and therefore barely notices what the two lovebirds are doing, despite the fact that Matt falls off the bed when she walks in. Julie casually and unsmoothly goes back to reading over the flashcards. Grandma has this to say: “Now HANDS OFF…my tapioca, Matthew.”

As Julie leaves the house to get into her mother’s car that’s parked out front, Matt tries to arrange another study session but Julie interrupts him, blurting out that she thinks they should have sex. She says she thinks it’s time, and Matt sort of stutters in a vague agreement. She chirps “so let’s go on that!” and skips off to the car. Tami rolls down the window to say hi to Matt, who replies with a dumbfounded “Hi!…Mrs…Coach…”

Matt, Landry, and Smash are all discussing this frightening new development down at the Arctic Freeze. Now, it’s one thing to take advice from Landry about fashion and strip clubs, but it’s quite another to take him seriously regarding sex. Landry offers up a touching gift, a condom he found in his father’s dresser. Smash correctly disposes of it immediately, telling Matt that if he’s going to do this, he’ll need a predetermined time and place, plus some “fresh protection”. Landry agrees.

Herc and Jason are off to the quad rugby team tryouts. Herc, as usual, is being outrageously annoying and disgusting, hooting and hollering to a bunch of random women out the car window. Jason is fed up with his antics and wants to just get to practice, hot Austin women be damned. Cut to the gym, where they stroll in late, Jason yelling at Herc the whole time. They go to check in, and when the cute little blond girl asks Jason if this is his first time trying out, he snaps that he doesn’t have time for chitchat. She coldly replies that it’s an actual question on the form, and throws his registration papers at him. Jason wipes the egg off his face and rolls away, embarrassed. When he and Herc enter the gym, the coach screams at them for being late and tells them to start playing. Jason gives a little I’m sorry look and then smiles, happy to be there. How can you stay mad at that face?

Tyra shows up at the Riggins household and asks the slut that answers the door that she needs to see Billy. Slut yells that “some chick’s here to see you”, and the look on Tyra’s face is priceless. That girl can roll a mean eye. She informs Billy that Tim has started to drink again and that she’s concerned, and that maybe Billy can help her out in doing something about it? He says that nothing either of them can do will help, and that since Tim has decided to let his father back in he’s just going to have to deal with it. Tyra leaves, confused. Me too, I mean how can anyone refuse Tyra? She’s so awesome I have to wear protective goggles just to look at her.

Eye rolling at this level should be an Olympic event.

Buddy Garrity and Coach are having a drink at Applebee’s, and excuse me, how did this happen? Don’t tell me these two hang out on a regular basis. Coach must have gotten abducted or something. Anyway, Buddy tells him that he has strayed outside his marriage (with Tyra’s mom, as we all know), has made some promises he can’t keep, and that now he doesn’t know what to do. Coach is all like “Uh-uh, I’d rather take a bath with a toaster than have to deal with this”, so he tells him to break it off with the woman and go home to his wife. Coach exits, leaving Buddy with the bill, and rightly so. How many paunchy, middle-aged troubled men must Coach have to deal with week in and week out?!

Matt is with Landry at the grocery store, perusing the condom selection. They’re looking at a brand called Inconceivable, which is so amazing and fantastic I just vomited in utter joy. Landry is helping him select, ruling out “mega” right away. Matt just wants to get this over with, since “none of this will matter if I die of embarrassment first.” Hehe. As they continue to argue, the camera pans to show Tami nearby trying on a pair of sunglasses. This results in a little giggle from me, which slowly grows into a huge guffaw as the situation continues. She sees the two boys as they leave, makes sure that they were in fact looking at what she thought they were, and storms out of the store.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Cut to the Taylor Household, AKA the Den of Imminent Nuclear Explosions. Tami tells Julie about witnessing Matt’s purchase, and when Julie denies that she knows anything about it, Tami demands a talk with her daughter. She asks point blank if they’re having sex, and Julie says no but they’re thinking about it. Tami launches into the pregnancy and STD speech and says that buying condoms doesn’t make it okay to start making love. Julie giggles at this and Tami does this thing that completely blows me away, she says “Don’t do that, don’t you smirk at me” but she starts to cry when she says it and it’s just so well acted I immediately try to hand Connie Britton an Emmy through my television screen. Yes, I have a stack in my closet at the ready for just this type of occassion. Tami forbids her to have sex. Julie says she doesn’t see the big deal, it’s just one body part going into another body part, and Tami says that the fact she sees it that way makes it clear that she’s not ready. She continues with a really lovely and well-written speech. She wants Julie to be able to talk to her, and at the end, they hug. You know what, just tape this scene and show it in health class, it’s probably a lot better than whatever it is the kids are learning these days.

Julie catches up with Matt after practice and tells him about what happened. Matt is terrified that Coach is going to come after him with a golf club or baseball bat or bazooka, so he calls off the sex. Well, apparently none of Tami’s beautiful words have sunk into her daughter, because Julie still wants to go ahead with it. Matt informs her that he was able to secure Bradley’s lake house for the big evening. Julie freaks out, asking if the whole team knows, and Matt promises that they don’t. Which almost certainly means that they do, plus the rally girls, plus the school faculty, plus it’s also been on the radio and CNN Headline News.

Over on the field, the boys give Matt a few more pointers, none of which are helpful in the least. Tim’s father is on the field as well, giving a few pointers of his own to Coach, telling him to give more time to Tim. Coach repeatedly asks him to step over to the sidelines, when Walt finally just makes a very snide remark about Coach being king of the football universe. Then he utters my very favorite thing to say when I’m drunk, which is “D’jou think yer better’n me?” Coach appropriately dismisses him yet again, and Tim looks on, embarrassed. Hey Tim! D’jou think yer better’n me?! HEY!

Later, Mac barges into Coach’s office to tell him that the new $300 camera that they had bought is missing. I guess Mac has been demoted to Assistant Coach of Plot Points.

Jason is on the phone with Lyla, yammering on about the wonderful team and how great it is to be back in a competitive environment. Lyla is half-listening, and stops entirely when her father arrives, gives her mother some flowers, and they start to make out. EWW. She tells Jason about it, but he doesn’t really care. Besides, he has a party to get to. Actually, it’s a “par-TAY”, Herc yells. I HATE HIM. GO AWAY. Lyla is surprised, she thought it was all going to be rugby stuff. Jason reassures her that it’s just a few of the guys and it’s no big deal.

My eyes! They BURN!

So obviously it is a big deal, with girls and debauchery and zaniness and Herc’s favorite practical joke: hiding Stumpy under the sink and asking some poor unsuspecting girl to open the door, causing him to fall out and scare the everliving shit out of her. Jason finds the girl that he had snapped at earlier at the check-in. She’s in a side room, looking through the CD collection. He apologizes for his douchebaggery before, and we find out her name is Susan. She’s a tattoo artist and she’s trying to get her business off the ground. Jason is intrigued. “I have a girlfriend,” he fails to say.

Mac is turning out to be very good at his new position, informing Coach that one of the other coaches saw Walt Riggins hanging out around the AV room, where the camera had been. Thanks Mac!

Coach shows up at the Riggins Shack and tells Walt about the missing camera. Walt’s onto him, smirking that he doesn’t think he’s going door-to-door asking about this, and besides, he doesn’t know anything about it. Coach, ever the honest man, tells him that he was spotted around the AV room, when Tim shows up and repeats that he doesn’t have it, so Coach really has no choice but to go. Tim follows him, lashing out in defense of his father, and for a moment I’m fearing for the safety of my dearly beloved Coach, but he just ends up apologizing and leaves. Phew.

Buddy is blubbering an apology and a firing to Tyra’s mom, saying that he’ll be able to get her a job somewhere else and that he’s sorry for what he said in the heat of passion. Gahh. I’m so glad we didn’t have to see that. He throws $700 at her and she storms out. Hmm. That was way too easy.

Julie and Tyra are shopping. Julie is asking all about the big sex. Tyra, correctly sensing that Julie really isn’t ready, reminds her that she doesn’t have to do this. But Julie says that it’s the perfect time and it’s a situation that she can control, so she can “get the information and gather the data.” Okay, Jules. Creepy. Who are you, the Ms. Wizard of sex? Tyra does her patented eye roll (it’s so perfect!) and throws a pair of saucy panties at her to buy for Matt.

Science!

Jason and Susan are at a bar, and he’s describing the whole accident to her. It’s been a long time since we had to deal with the gritty details of this, so it’s kinda hard to hear all over again. Tear. Susan says that if it were her, she would just spend her whole life wondering why. Not helping, SUSAN. Jason says he’s done a lot of praying, but since the only answer he’s ever gotten is that he can’t walk, he’s ready to “get rid of the anger and have some peace.” Of course, this wouldn’t be a touching Jason scene without Herc barrelling over to ruin it all, which he does, suggesting that they start a dance party. Jason and Susan wisely decide to get out of there.

She takes him over to her tattoo shop. Jason points out a Chinese symbol, which Susan tells him is the symbol for “wealth”, and also the symbol for “douche”. Hehe. She is firm on the “no Chinese symbols or barbed wire” policy, which I agree with. He keeps looking around, until she finds what she was looking for, a piece of Sanskrit writing that says “peace.” He says it’s perfect. He does not say “I’m engaged.”

Tim wakes up after what must have been one hell of an evening. He starts sifting through the garage for some tools to fix his broken headlight, but instead finds…the missing camera. Surprise, surprise. He shows his father, who says that he was going to take it back. Looks like Walt is not long for a certain Chinese symbol. Tim is appalled and mad at himself for defending him. He tells his father to get out, and Walt says “You see how easy this is son? You watch this.” And he leaves. Wow.

“I’m 27! And a serial rapist!”

Matt arrives at Bradley’s lake house to discover that it’s a total dump, with deer heads on the walls and crap all over the furniture. He starts to clean it up, while Julie puts on makeup at home. Later, Tyra drops her off, and as she walks in the door she tells him that her parents think she’s at Lois’ house (shoutout to Lois!) and they want her back by 11:00, “so we should get right down to the sex.” Matt reluctantly agrees and puts on the world-famous deer-in-headlights face that we all know and love.

Coach is sifting through the bathroom for some aspirin when he finds his daughter’s saucy underwear. He asks his wife about them, and she finally caves and tells him about the whole Condomgate situation. He gets really snippy, rightfully so, but also yells at Tami for not telling him this sooner. She says that they had a talk. Coach snaps, “Did you also tell her that if he even touches a hair on her head that she’s going to be sent to a nunnery in Rome and I’m gonna to rip his head off right afterwards?” Fantastic. She says she didn’t want to tell him because she thought he’d freak out, which is exactly what he’s doing. He stops the whole discussion to ask where Julie is right now, to which Tami replies that she’s at Lois’ house, studying. “Wait a second,” Coach says.

Cut to him on the phone with Lois’ father, demanding to know if Julie is there right now. It’s clear the answer is no. “Why don’t you go find out where our daughter is,” he spits out at Tami. Oof.

Tim shows up at Applebee’s to talk to Tyra. He asks her to take a break, but she’s way too busy and snaps that she can’t right now. He looks at her quite lovingly for a few seconds, which catches even me off guard, but then tells her not to worry about it and slinks off. Oh, Tim. Don’t do anything stupid. I like you, even when I don’t like you.

And now we’re off to the Sexcapades! Matt and Julie are getting down to business, except that Julie stops him because one of the deer heads is staring at her. “I feel like it’s judging me.” Hehe. Matt covers the head up for her, saying that it’s hard not to look at her because she’s so good-looking. HEHE. I’m convulsing in a sugar coma. They get back to kissing but she stops him again to open a window because it’s too hot, then yet AGAIN because the room smells like wet dog. Matt turns into a sensible adult right before our eyes and tells Julie that they shouldn’t do this. Julie protests, but he says that no, they really don’t have to. Julie earnestly asks, “We don’t? Really?” and suddenly becomes thrilled with the idea of abstinence. She goes to cuddle up with Matt again but he pushes her away, saying he needs a minute. What a delightful scene.

HOTT XXX ACTION!!!1

The Taylors are sitting in silence at the kitchen table, waiting for their daughter to come home. “You know, you and I have the exact same amount of experience as parents,” says Tami, finally. She admits that she doesn’t know what to do in this situation, except that she knows that it is very important for a girl to be able to talk to her mother. She has faith in the girl that they’ve raised, and that they just have to let her go. Coach apologizes to Tami for hurting her. Even when they’re fighting, they’re wonderful.

Back in the lake house, Matt and Julie are playing some sort of leg wrestling game (is there a name for this? I’ve never heard of it – don’t kill me). He makes fun of her for having hideous feet, which she counters with a mockery of his dirty feet. Then back to more wrestling. A salacious evening, indeed!

Tim turns back up at the pool hall bar. The loser can’t believe he’s back, so he and his friends decide to take Tim out to the parking lot to beat the tar out of him. Tyra, back at Applebee’s, is hearing the news that her mother has been fired, and is in the process of being outraged when she gets a phone call informing her that Tim is about to be used as a punching bag. She leaves immediately, telling her mother they’ll talk about this later. Will it be too late by then? Almost certainly!

A large crowd has formed outside the bar, which looks more like a barn, as the rednecks throw Tim around like a rag doll. What the hell is wrong with these people? He’s just a kid (theoretically), for Pete’s sake! Tim has a stupid grin on his face the whole time, as if he’s really enjoying this. Which he probably is, because now he’s in as much physical pain as he’s in emotionally. And he looks like crap too. Billy and Tyra arrive to save him and pretty much shame the Loser into backing off – he’s just a kid and so forth – and they drag Tim into the car and off into the night. Oh, Timmy. You really need to get your shit together. And I have a feeling Tyra’s going to be the one to help you do it! Huzzah!

Matt and Julie are cuddled up on the couch together. Matt looks over at the clock and quickly wakes up Julie because – uh oh! – it’s 1:30am!! This is just like that episode of Full House where DJ fell asleep at Steve’s new apartment and Danny tracked her down and stood on a chair to look in the window over the front door and then he fell and broke it and…hey where’s everyone going? Anyway, cut to Matt driving Julie home, and as they pull up to her house she tells him to “kill the lights” like they’re robbing a bank or something. She’s rummaging through her bag for her keys and is just about to get out of the car when Matt just blurts out “Julie, I love you.” She’s shocked and delighted, as am I, and says “Me too. I mean, I love you too.” She gets out of the car and walks to the door in slightly slow motion, with her hair swaying and a coy little smile on her face. Mine is much larger. My smile, not my face. I’d like to think we have the same size face.

Coach and Tami, who have obviously waited up like the good parents that they are, are relieved to see their daughter walking through the front door. Coach asks if she’s alright, and she stutters some sort of answer. Looks like she’s caught that patented Saracen Stutter. She apologizes and tells them that nothing happened. She says good night, hugs her mother, and thanks her for the talk. Sigh. Lovely.

“Fancy a quick round of parcheesi, my love?”

Cut to church the next morning, where Coach stares daggers at young, endangered Matt while the preacher blabs on and on about forgiveness. Heh. Cut to Tyra and her mother in the car, Tyra suggesting all sorts of things to do with their day, such as looking through the want ads or catching a movie. But Mom has a better idea. She pulls up in front of the church as the congregation gathers outside. She gets out of the car, walks up to Buddy Garrity, and starts whaling on him, all the time yelling “You lyin’ son of a bitch!” Tyra pulls her off and drags her away, while Mrs. Garrity runs off in total humliation. See what sex can lead to, Matt and Julie?!

Tim shows up at Coach’s house to return the camera. Coach, surprised to see Tim’s bloody face, asks him if he’s alright and invites him inside. Tim declines, shoots him that little smile that he does so well and leaves. Coach looks Concerned. He shouldn’t be, because Tyra’s going to clean him up real good. When she’s not busy cleaning up the other mess her mother has made. No wonder that girl skips class, she’s got too much else on her plate.

I thought this was a great episode. The whole racism plot line of the past two episodes sort of dragged, I thought, but with this one we came roaring back. Love for everyone. Thoughts? Comments? Ever made love under the cool gaze of a dead deer?