I happened to catch a rerun of 24 the other day, and it was one of the episodes at the beginning of Season 5, where Jack returns from living with that random woman and her stupid son. So Audrey, pre-mental breakdown, is flitting around CTU and is approached by this woman Diane, who wants to know if she plans on shacking up with her man Jack. And do you know who that woman was?
Our girl Tami!
First this, and now Aaron. Who else will be making the jump from 24 to Friday Night Lights? Bill Buchanan, I’m looking in your direction!
Forget about Jack, hon. You’ve upgraded.
We begin this week with a post-coital Landry and Tyra. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d be writing. Actually, it’s the next morning, and they’re woken up by Slammin’ Sammy Mead on the radio alarm, which Landry has oddly set to 6:43AM. Tyra takes one look at her beloved, freaks out, and tells him that this can never be. She escapes out the window, as Papa Landry watches bemusedly.
Tim Riggins, the little Adonis, wakes up shirtless and gazes across the street to witness his brother making out with Jackie the MILF. I had hoped this plotline had gracefully faded into the sunset, but alas, here it is. Oh well. Just keep Bo the Gremlin Child out of it, and we’ll be fine.
Coach and Tami and Grace are all in bed together, and it might just be the most adorable thing on the planet.
If this doesn’t make you smile, I’m afraid I have some bad news: You’re a cyborg.
Coach gets up and runs out to a diner, where the Evil Radio is on. Evil Radio features people who say lots of horrible things about him, and as he takes the food to go, the waitress apologizes. It’s not your fault, girl! Some people in Dillon are so nice. Why don’t the nice ones ever call in to talk to Slammin’ Sammy?
Coach is about to get into his car when Matt approaches him and apologizes for the whole Julie breakup. Coach says he had no idea, and Stutterfest 2007 begins. It ends with Matt stalking away dejectedly, and Coach scratching his head wondering what the hell just happened.
Over at practice, Coach Asshat is making Tim run around with a giant tire and informing him that he has a “half-ass, candy-ass, lame-ass, whiskey breath, dirty hair attitude.” That’s a lot of ass! He keeps yelling while the rest of the team looks on nervously, until Tim eventually falls down and passes out. He is taken away by paramedics, who must be getting really sick of heading over to Panthers Stadium.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to call AAA?
In the emergency room, the doctor says he can only release him to someone over 18, and since he can’t get a hold of Billy because he’s banging the hell out of MILF, Tim is stuck there for now. Lyla happens to walk by rather breezily, as if she’s on her daily lap around the hospital or something. She wanted to check up on him as a friend, especially after he helped with her mess of a father last week. She also stopped by to sell some Jesus. Tim scoffs, as do I. No one can wrangle Tim into a church! I will certainly not be proven wrong by the end of the episode!
Is that rock music blaring? It must be quad rugby time! Jason’s at it again, and…fuck. There’s Herc, sans rebellious goatee. He’s trying to convince Jason that going to Mexico for a miracle surgery is a bad idea, that people are going to take advantage of his false hopes and rob him of his money and dignity. For once Captain Obnoxious is right, but Jason clearly isn’t buying it, which he illustrates by making his Destruction Is Imminent Face.
I Will Cut You.
Over at TMU, Coach is having a rough time with a kid who may or may not know what a football is. He wants to help him out, but the head coach tells him to just cut the kid, which Coach has some difficulty with, seeing as how he has a heart of gold and all. He calls Tami to complain, then hears Glenn in the background, who is there to help Tami fix the freezer. Tami tells Coach this, prompting him to deliver the best line of the night: “I don’t want Glenn in the house with his hands in my wife’s icebox!” TouchÃ©, Mr. Taylor. TouchÃ©.
He goes on to ask her why she didn’t tell him that Matt and Julie broke up. She tells him that Matt and Julie didn’t break up. Glenn tells her that Matt and Julie did break up. Coach tells Tami to tell Glenn to sit down and be quiet. I tell myself to stop trying to hug the television whenever Coach opens his mouth. The Taylors agree that Julie’s silence is a Problem. A Problem only a better child can fix! Adopt me!
In the locker room, Smash, finally given permission to speak more than five words at a time, is blabbing to the reporters about how wonderful he is and the many various zones that he is in. A few of the other players grumble, and Matt resolves himself to say something to the Smash, or at least stutter in his general direction.
Buddy Garrity gets Tim released from the hospital, and on the way home starts complaining about how Coach Asshat is pushing them all too hard. Tim informs him that, actually, he most likely passed out because he was hung over. Buddy pulls the car over, and Tim and I prepare ourselves for a lecture featuring the words “so much wasted potential” and “throwing it all away.” But Buddy is a man of surprises, and instead firmly assures Tim that he CAN play with a hangover, he’s seen it many times before, and that this is all Coach Asshat’s fault and he won’t hear otherwise. Buddy Garrity, Father Figure Of The Year.
Matt corners Smash in the parking lot and tells him that he and some of the other guys think that there’s starting to be some inequity on the team. Smash says he doesn’t know what that word means, which leads me to conclude that Dillon High could stand to benefit from, oh, I don’t know, a single English teacher. Matt explains further, but Smash blows him off and says that it’s his job, as captain, to be a pompous ass. He admits that he’s loving it, and since he’s a senior it’s his year, and recruiters are coming, and his life is on the line every Friday night, and Matt can learn to live with it and wait his turn to be captain next year. Oh, Smash. Someday your character will grow another dimension. I can just feel it. This is your year!
Tami sidles into Julie’s room with the intent of folding laundry, and casually lets it drop that she knows about the breakup. Julie teenagers all over the place, saying she doesn’t want to talk about it. Grace starts bawling from the other room, and Julie snarks “I think your baby’s crying.” Tami’s face is perfect: a delicate blend of surprise, disappointment and hurt.
“I’m trading you in for a ficus plant.”
Jason is out on the football field barking out all of your standard sports-themed platitudes. Coach Asshat approaches and tells him to go over to Tim’s house and get him pumped up for the game. Jason brandishes a pair of pom poms and eagerly agrees.
He shows up on Tim’s doorstep and yells for him to come out. Tim appears with a bottle of beer in hand, and snarkily inquires as to whether he’s talking to Coach Street or Friend Street. Haha, Tim is such a little shit. I love it. They start fighting, and Jason calls Tim – get ready for this – a screw up! Oooooh. Harsh words. You kiss your mama with that mouth? They squabble some more and it ends with Jason demanding that he straighten up and fly right, Tim sneering back that he’s a lousy coach, and Jason storming away. I think Jason’s really taking the wrong route here. Doesn’t he realize how much guilt he can get out of Tim with the whole you have legs that work and you can still play football thing?
Over at the Saracens, Matt is confused as to why the Carlotta the nurse is not doing his laundry. She not-so-patiently explains that she’s not a maid, that she’s here to pay for college and become a nurse and help people. Matt, always a charmer, says that doing laundry counts as helping people. That cracks a smile, but she’s still not buying it. Anyone with the balls to work with Lorraine the Beauty Queen must have a steely resolve.
“Where my clean socks, bitch?”
It is finally revealed that Landry does, in fact, have two parents. The whole fam is together, putting groceries away, and they are adorable. It’s like a Norman Rockwell painting, except that Norman Rockwell paintings aren’t subtle cover-ups for murder. Child molestation, yes, but never murder. Dad asks if Landry’s making any “new or different” friends now that he’s a Panther. Haha. Yes, Tyra is both new and different. She has the boobies. Landry denies everything and changes the subject to the crackers that Mom bought, which Dad declares to be “sin in a box.” Ha! These two are great. Dad conveniently dispenses a reminder that Grandpa is coming down next month, so Landry better wear that watch that he gave him. You know, the one that’s been in the family for 60 years and is currently lying at the bottom of Corpse River. Yeah, that watch.
Buddy puts in a rather cryptic call to Coach, telling him that they need to meet in person. When Coach asks why, Buddy says that if he told him what it was about, he wouldn’t come. Seriously? How has this guy ever sold a single car?
Tim flat-out asks Billy if he’s screwing Jackie. Billy flat-out admits that he is. They’ve been doing it for six weeks, and it’s pretty serious. Six weeks? Bo must surely be dead by now. There’s no way Billy could have the patience or stamina to deal with that little ogre.
“I’m also dating Beer Bucket Girl. It’s also pretty serious.”
Tim, distraught, leaves the house and starts driving around. He ends up at…Lyla’s church?! Wtf? He slinks around until he finds Lyla, who’s standing and clapping and singing with the rest of the congregation. She’s a little surprised to see him, to say the least.
“Sir, are you lost? The strip club is down the street.”
The preacher gives a conveniently appropriate sermon about how no matter what you’ve done in the past, God still loves you no matter what. Tim appears to be Touched.
While shopping for a new watch, Landry tells Tyra that if (meaning when) he gets caught, he’s going to do everything in his power not to drag her into it. “Well, I figured I could always kill you to keep you silent,” she says. “That was creepy,” he replies. Agreed. Are these two just going to threaten murder at anyone who pisses them off from now on? Like if Smash gets Landry’s order wrong over at the Arctic Freeze, the kid’ll just pull out a lead pipe or wrench or any of the other various Clue weapons and bash his brains out?
Tim walks in on Lyla as she’s changing for bed, which is weird. He tells her that he felt something last night, and for once it wasn’t in his pants. He goes on to say a lot of very un-Tim things, about how he’s starting to rethink this whole religion thing and it was nice to feel like he’s a part of something and Jesus is now his homeboy and whatnot. Lyla is thrilled, and gives him a hug, which he automatically turns into a kiss. She freaks out, thinking that this was all a ruse to get into her jammies, which, let’s face it, is not totally outside the realm of possibility when it comes to Tim Riggins. Especially when he follows it up with “I guess I feel closer to God when I’m with you.” Lyla swiftly kicks him out and gets back to constructing her “Jesus is my quarterback” float for the homecoming parade.
Buddy is filling in Coach on all of the Panthers’ troubles, which are solely the fault of Coach Asshat. “There’s something wrong with that guy,” Buddy says. “He’s mean! I think he’s evil!” Once again, Buddy, you’ve proven your wizardry with the English language. He looks around all stealthily, and says that there’s a way he can get rid of Asshat and get Coach his old job back. Coach is all “check, please” until Buddy counters that he’s seen the way Coach’s family is falling apart: Tami’s always crying, Julie’s becoming a whore, and little Grace doesn’t even have a daddy. Well, that gets the wheels a-turnin’ and the tugboat a-tootin’, as they say. (Okay, as I say.)
Over at the Taylors’, an extremely distressed Tami is barking into a phone that it is two in the morning and Julie is still not home and she best call her back as soon as she can. Turns out, Julie is with The Swede and some older friends in his Den Of Drugs And Moral Depravity. Julie, her transformation into a monster still not totally complete, actually manages to pass on the pot and instead offers a lame little global warming joke to the group, which they all find hilarious. You know what’s the most fun in the world? Getting high and making Al Gore jokes. Man, that guy so invented the internet!
“Win the popular vote much, AL?”
Cut to Julie making out with The Swede in his creepy unmarked Pedophile-Mobile. Tami watches from inside the house, and that is it. She runs out, bangs on the window, and demands that Julie get in the house right now. Julie refuses, and begs the Swede to take her somewhere. He says no because that’s kidnapping. Dude! That’s what the van is for! Don’t even pretend like this is your first time.
Tami’s had enough. She opens the door and physically drags Julie out, shouting, “I am your mother. And you are not grown up yet and you are not rid of me yet.” Julie tells her to go to hell and Tami, acting on the collective will of viewers across America, slaps her daughter across the face.
“You got rid of me when you had Gracie and Dad left!” Julie sobs. What? What are you, five years old? Come on Julie, even you must admit that you were totally asking for it. Poor Tami looks horrified at what she just did and at what Julie is saying, but I for one think there is no need. It had to be done. Yeah, yeah, you don’t hit your kids and all, but that little shit needs some sense knocked into her before she ends up with a Swedish Bun in the oven.
Over at the ‘Bee’s, Tyra just so happens to experience the pleasure of serving Landry’s dad. And what a pleasure it is! He very politely asks for a quesadilla burger, an iced tea, and whether or not she’s dating his son. Because if she is, he doesn’t get it, what a girl like her would want with a guy like Landry. Tyra wisely does not take this down the how-dare-you-call-me-a-whore road, but instead calmly explains that Landry is smart and funny and just overall a wonderful guy. Dad looks pleased, as Tyra secretly brandishes a candlestick.
It’s Friday night at last, as Slammin’ Sammy reminds us no less than 32 times. The game begins, and before long the Panthers are down. According to Sammy, this is because “The Rattlers have Come! To! Play!” Whereas apparently the Panthers thought they would be attending a knitting circle or something. The game eventually picks up, thanks to Smash. Jason tries to get a word in edgewise with the Coach, but Asshat is just not having any of it, eventually dredging up the dreaded M-word again, barking “I don’t have time to take advice from the team mascot, alright?” Dude, you already said that once before. No need to pound it into the poor kid’s head. And I hate to break it to you, but I don’t see a panther costume anywhere. And somehow the Dillon Quadriplegics just don’t have the same ring to it, so just quit it already. Jason, crushed, makes the saddest face I’ve ever seen. He’s looking more like a lolcat every day.
Football, football, football. Smash wins the game. Matt gets fed up with his pompousness and tackles him to the ground. They wrestle around for a bit, while Coach watches his broken team from the sidelines. He returns home to Tami, who tearfully tells him that she hit Julie and that there’s something wrong with their family. Ooh. What WILL Coach do? The suspense is truly riveting.
Jason shows up yet again on Tim’s doorstep to tell him a few things. Their friendship is over (for the fifty-seventh time), he quit the team, he doesn’t suck, and he’s going to Mexico for the miracle spine-replacement surgery. Oh, but he’s not done yet. “You are the worst and stupidest friend that a guy could ever have. I pretty much hate your guts right now, I’m so disgusted with you.” Powerful, powerful stuff. I think I said the same thing once. When I was NINE. What’s happening to my precious Jason? He’s got the stupid. And apparently it’s contagious, because Tim, instead of stopping him or trying to convince him otherwise, jumps right aboard the Mexico bandwagon. Where’s Tami when you need her? I think she needs to dole out a couple more slaps.
Tyra appears in Landry’s bedroom window. Oh, these two. A Clarissa and Sam for the 21st century, they are. She gives him a big old kiss, but I can’t really concentrate on what’s going on here because Landry is wearing a Fundamental Theorem of Calculus t-shirt and I’m too busy shitting my pants over that one.
Tim and Jason pile into the truck and head off to Mexico. Tim cracks open some beers, and then they start squabbling over whether they have a map. Wow. Road trip of the century, folks. Are they even aware of what a colossally terrible idea this is? Clean up on Aisle Common Sense!
Matt returns home and Carlotta gives him a massage. She sings him a song in Spanish, gives him a hug, and assures him that things will get better. Aww.
Coach shows up at Buddy’s dealership, shakes his hand, and the deal is done. He and his awesome hair are back! As we all knew they would be.
OBEY THE EYEBROW
So. I think this one started out kind of slow and weird, but ended pretty well. Still not quite sure what to think about the religious Timmy thing. It was…strange. But I lurrrrved the slap. And I’m sure the Roadtrip From Hell will be a hoot. What do we all think?
Is Coach Asshat:
c) Just cranky because he has lame hair?