Would Someone Please Tell Me If We’re Going To STATE?!

Okay, kids. We’re down to the second-to-last episode of our beloved Friday Night Lights. The powers that be have already renewed 30 Rock for a second season, and now all eyes are yet again on NBC, waiting on a decision as to whether or not the Panthers are going to survive to see another year. Meanwhile, on the show, shit is getting critical. Not to mention the fact that I breathed in a bunch of toxic fumes from a tragic trainwreck in the northeast sector of my high school, and that’s why the recap is so late. What a week! Let’s not waste any more time!

Coach and Tami are asleep in bed. Well, Coach is asleep, and Tami decides to wake him up. He freaks out because he thinks that he missed his flight, but she reassures him that she’s fine, she just wants to talk, which causes Coach to get a rather murderous look in his eye. Hehe. She tells him she has a bad feeling about moving to Austin, and begs him not to give them a definite answer at the meeting today. Then the alarm goes off, and he moans, “I’m going to KILL you.” Oh no you won’t! Because you luuuurve her!Meanwhile, in another, more salacious bed across town, Tim and MILF are totally getting it on. And I’m totally puking my brains out. Bo starts banging on the door, asking for food (the NERVE of that child), so they immediately jump up and Tim falls OUT THE WINDOW. And I fall too, to the ground, in convulsions of laughter. Nicely done, Mr. Riggins. Several minutes later he knocks on the door, like a respectable gentleman, and Bo answers it with glee, ready for his Killbot lessons of the day. MILF looks on with a disapproving stare. Yeah, that son of yours is really going down the wrong path, lady. Where on earth could he have picked up such deviant decision-making abilities?

The definition of smoothness.

Coach takes a tour of the facilities at TMU. In the meeting, the coaches tell him that the other guy they’re looking at is ready to take another job, and since they can’t afford to lose their second choice, they’re going to need an answer immediately. Coach looks around at all of their inquisitive faces, his hair frazzled as if to say, “My wife woke me up early and did this to me.” He thinks for a minute, then accepts the offer.

Landry shows up at Tyra’s house, proudly proclaiming that he skipped Calculus. Tyra asks if he’s ever done that before in his life, and he mumbles “Yeah, a few times…no.” He asks if she has told anyone about that whole business with the attempted rape, and she snaps back that there is no one to tell. AND it’s no one else’s business and he’s not allowed to tell anyone either. Landry looks Conflicted.

Smash and random football buddies are complaining about the fact that they have to attend a Football Roast. Every single week these kids are whining about a pancake breakfast or an awards ceremony or a bar mitzvah they have to attend. You’d think they’d just get used to it. They’re the Dillon Panthers football team, for Chrissakes. They should be lucky they’re not in a daily noontime Disney parade. Smash tries out a lame joke which some random nerd makes fun of him for, and as Smash goes into SMASH SMASH mode, Waverly pulls him away. She tells him that she can’t go to the roast, because it’s going to stress her out too much and she can’t deal with it right now, with all that she’s going through. This displeases His Royal Smashyness but he gives in.

Jason, who I’m sad to report has not repaired his new lame-ass hairstyle from last week, runs into Suzie at the City Clerks office. He’s filling out the paperwork for his new coaching job (yay!) and she’s paying off some parking tickets, since she’s in Dillon for the next couple of weeks, helping her sister move in. Or something. I can’t pretend to care. Jason starts drooling and asks her out to a movie, and she accepts, and they make plans for Thursday. Fan-friggin-tastic.

Jason, apparently preparing for his upcoming role in High School Musical.

Landry shows up at Matt’s house. Matt starts teasing him, asking how the big date was, and Landry is actually somewhat hurt. He says that Matt thinks of him as just a big joke, the comic relief to the star quarterback. So…he’s just kinda reading off his character description for the show? A little bit? No, we love our Landry. Matt sincerely asks what’s wrong, and Landry eventually tells him everything and swears him to secrecy. Matt asks if he’s told the cops, and Landry says no and keeps repeating that he doesn’t know what to do. Poor kid. Remember the care-free days of Crucifictorious? Matt insists that he has to tell someone. Landry again looks Conflicted.

Coach returns home to find Tami on the phone, trying in vain to get in touch with Tyra. He kisses her until she hangs up, then pull out a bottle of bubbly. She sort of gets excited but is still wary and tries to make sure he didn’t say yes yet. He ignores this and tells her how it all went down, how the other coaches were all over him, and that he accepted the job. Then he goes on to gush about how awesome the stadium is, how wonderful Austin is (with all of its excellent balleters), while Tami just smiles politely but looks like she may be screaming inside.

The two knock at Julie’s door and find her doing some homework on her bed. They enter and sit down on the bed with that sort of air that means that a major, life-changing announcement is coming. Poor Julie senses this almost immediately, then her father gives her the news and she starts crying. Cut to a little while later, as Julie slowly makes her way up to Matt’s front porch, still crying. He answers the door and she tells him that her dad took a new job and that she’s moving. They hug and she sobs some more, while Matt just looks…well, I’m not sure what that look is. He’s sad and pissed and something else all at the same time. Damn these teenagers and their complex emotions!

Jason arrives for his first day as a Dillon Panthers coach, and he’s apparently fifteen minutes late, which Coach is none too happy about. Coach calls in Matt and asks if he feels ready for the big game, to which Matt stutters that he is. Well, Jason doesn’t think so. Neither does Coach. They quickly trade lines about how unprepared Matt is, and dammit it’s just adorable. “I don’t want you resting on your laurels, you understand me?” “Have any laurels Saracen?” “Not a damn laurel.” Hehe. Coach informs Matt that he is to do whatever Jason tells him to, up to and including jumping off a cliff. Jason smirks harder than I ever thought a human being could possibly smirk. Jason barks at Matt to finish his weights, then meet him for lunch, because from now on they’re lunch buddies. Matt stammers that he usually has lunch with Julie, but Jason is having none of that and barks some more. Matt scampers away, and Jason smirks himself right out of existence.

Landry is in Tami’s office, talking to her about the assault on his anonymous “friend”. He’s worried that if he tells her, the law will require her to report it to the police. Tami, ever the tactful woman, gently suggests that if the “friend” he’s talking about is in fact himself, he can be honest with her. Landry denies this and finally caves, telling her that it was Tyra. Wooo! Crucifictorious roxx!!

Tami of course immediately shows up on Tyra’s doorstep. Tyra looks pissed to see her, to say the least, and stares daggers out into the driveway, where Landry is stewing in the car. Cut to the police station, where Tyra is getting grilled by some dumpy guy about the details of whether or not she left her notebook or something. He looks as if he doesn’t believe her. Tyra is sooo done with this and is ready to leave, but not before they take a few pictures and further cement her permanent humiliation.

She stalks out of the police station to find Landry sitting on the curb, waiting for her. He stammers out an apology, but hell hath no fury like a Collette scorned. She sobs that she never should have trusted him, and that he’s “just a pathetic smelly geek!” Nice teenage language, that. Tyra seems younger and younger with each episode. She’ll end up as a baby next season (fingers crossed) (that there will be a next season, not that Tyra will turn into a fetus).

Back at the Taylor house, Julie laments the fact that Tyra is no longer answering her phone calls, to which Tami replies that you never really know what a person is going through. *The More You Know*. Coach swoops in like some sort of motivational speaker and declares that he’s taking his lovely ladies out to dinner to celebrate, but Julie of course stomps off to her room. “I know what’s going to happen next, the door’s gonna slam,” Coach predicts. It does. Perfection. He asks Tami what’s wrong (as if he doesn’t know), and she asks him to come sit down. This makes our dear Coach quite Uneasy, and rightfully so, since Tami’s got quite the proposal coming up. She says she’s been thinking that maybe it would be best if she and Julie stayed in Dillon until Julie graduates, so that she can get some closure and Tami can continue her work with the kids. And by “kids” I assume she just means “Tyra”, because daaamn that poor girl has some issues.

“Honey, I’d like to stay in Dillon.”
“And I’d like our daughter to get thee to a nunnery, but it’s just not in the cards now is it?”

Coach looks thoughtful, and my heart prepares itself to be warmed. So it’s a surprise when he blurts out a big No. Tami is taken aback, as am I, and he further explains that that would split up the family, and that is not something that he is willing to do under any circumstances. They then talk over each other for a while, Tami insisting that her work is very important, and Coach insisting that there are other kids she can help in Austin. Tami tries to explain that she can’t abandon her kids, but Coach gets up and storms out of the house. Guess we see where Julie gets that from then.

Smash is out in the school hallway, chatting it up with a couple of strumpets, when Waverly snags him away to have a Talk. She says she has decided to give him a hiatus, which means that for the next two weeks, while he is at State, he can do whatever he wants. Smash tries to clarify this a couple of times, reminding her that he will be partying and probably hanging out with other girls while she stays at home and takes her meds. Waverly says she’s cool with it and tells him to enjoy himself and “just be the Smash”. Smash assures her that he is quite adept at that. Up until now I thought Waverly was a fairly smart cookie and knew how to handle the male gender, but this? That bitch crazy.

Tim tries to invite himself over to dinner again with MILF and Gremlin, but MILF declares that It Is Over Between Them. Tim asks why, and she explains that he’s becoming a sort of father figure to Bo, and that’s probably going to mess the kid up in the long run. More so than already? Eh, maybe I’m too hard on the kid. But then again, no I’m not. She walks away, leaving Tim to stew in his truck and me to erase her gremlin son from my memory.

It’s a Garrity Family Meeting! Pam breaks the news to the kids that she and Buddy are getting a divorce. Lyla sadly laughs to herself. Buddy tries to reassure the kids that everything will be the same, except that Daddy will only be around on weekends. “Every other weekend,” Pam spits. Lyla can’t handle this and storms out, saying she’ll come back once HE leaves. Ugh. This whole plotline is just so sad, I can’t even make a joke out of it. Actually, yes I can. Buddy Garrity has George Washington hair.

Go chop down a cherry tree or something.

Jason meets up with Suzie for their big dinner date. I thought it was supposed to be a movie? Whatever. He tells her she looks nice. It’s awkward. I suppose it might be cute if I liked her even a little bit, but I don’t. I don’t care how many rigoddamndiculous Sanskrit tattoos she’s got up her sleeve, I don’t like the girl. Cut to later on, where the two are parked in her truck outside his house (with the wheelchair in the back of the truck, OF COURSE). She tells him he’s fun. And she likes him. And also she likes ice cream and playing on the swings. Sigh. Grow up, girl. After a fair amount of “I, uh”s Jason admits that he likes her too. Aaaand then they kiss. Aaaand then Lyla pulls up right behind them. Aaaand then she walks up to his window and sees everything. Jason, in full-on Oh Shit Mode, tries to persuade her to stay and talk about this, and insists that it’s not what she thinks. Lyla, finally realizing that it’s EXACTLY what she thinks, takes off her engagement ring, throws it at him, and yells “SCREW YOU!” as she storms off. I do the same. Granted, my ring is made out of aluminum foil and a kernel of broken glass, but I like to think it has the same effect. How can I continue to love you, my dear Jason, when you keep acting like a total dipshit?! I am displeased!

Tim pulls up to his house after grocery shopping or something (?) and Bo is right there to greet him, chirping, “Hi Tim Riggins!” Okay, that is the ONLY thing I like about the kid, that he still calls Tim by his full name. But that is IT. Tim asks if his mom talked to him, and Bo says yes, she said Tim was going to be busy with school and football and that he can’t really spend time with Bo anymore. Bo tries to appeal this, saying that they’re like brothers and surely Tim Riggins can make some time to play with his very own personal troll next door, but Tim shoots that down as well. But then Bo whines some more and asks if he can come over later, and Tim says yes. This clunker of a plotline REFUSES TO END!

Tim then shows up at Tyra’s house. She correctly guesses that the MILF dumped him, and no, she’s not available for him to “screw your pain away”. Tim immediately says that’s not why he’s there, that he just wants to hang out, as friends. Tyra zings “Do you even know what a friend is?” and then launches into a nice little speech about what a friend is, realizing to herself that she’s pretty much defining Landry. Buuut then Tim invites her to the roast, and oh hell, it’s damn near impossible to say no to those drooping eyes of his. Tyra is powerless to decline!

Cut to the big roast. Every single cast member is there, for once. And they’re all giving sideways glances and awkward stares to each other, depending on the situation – Buddy to Lyla, Matt to Julie, Landry to Tyra, Jason to Lyla, me to Jason. This should be fun. Smash repeats his lame joke from before (“Matty used to be so shy he had to email all his plays” – ugh, terrible) to a gaggle of giggling girls. Then it’s time to get things started.

Buddy grabs the mike like it’s made out of ham and loudly informs everyone that they are, in fact, GOING TO STATE. WOOO! I wish Herc were around to hear all this WOOOing, he’d be in heaven. First up to speak is Coach. Matt glares heavily. Coach first goes after Smash, joking that there’s not much to say about him that he hasn’t already said himself. Hah hah! It’s funny AND it’s true! Buddy then steals Smash’s Matt/email joke, and gets a big laugh, causing Smash to make maybe the best face he’s ever made.

“The Smash has been hoodwinked!”

But Smash has a pretty good one lined up for Tim, saying that there are only two phrases that can put a smile on his face: “We going to STATE” (the crowd cheers yet again, I think you could probably just say “Rhode Island is a STATE!” and they’d go nuts) and “The results are in – you are NOT the father.” Big laughs all around. BUT WAIT. It’s Tim’s turn. Tim gets up to the mike, and with a big goofy grin on his face, says, “Hey, how about Saracen sleeping with the Coach’s daughter?” Imagine a record screech, crickets chirping, and awkward coughing all at once, and that doesn’t even come close to the shocked atmosphere in the room. I, of course, can no longer BREATHE, I’m laughing so hard. Tim is still standing there with that giant grin, totally oblivious. And I need to take a moment to compose myself and reassure the neighbors that the screaming laughter is not a cry for medical attention and it won’t happen again.

Coach, irked by the entire situation and now even more by Tim’s idiocy, snarks to Tami that they can’t stay in Dillon. They start squabbling right there at the table, much to Julie’s total embarrassment, but it’s cut short by Buddy’s introduction of Tami. She approaches the mike, while her husband reminds her that this is “a roast, not a skewering”. “Lucky for you!” she chirps. Hehe. She starts off about saying how much she has learned from him, including all sorts of football plays. She details the time they’ve spent together, watching game films. She gets a bunch of laughs, then turns serious and says that he’s “a kind and decent man, and he’s strong and has vision, and he’s passionate. And he’s real good at imparting that passion into the people around him. And he loves y’all kids. Every single one of y’all.” She says she wants them all to know how much they’ve touched their family and how much she and her husband care about them. It’s a lovely speech. Amidst loads of applause, she kisses her husband. Buddy leans over and tells Coach that he’s got a good one. DUH. Tami is so wonderful I think she must not be human or something. She’s the final Cylon!

Coach = Fievel

After the roast is over, one of Smash’s trollops asks him out to a party, but he declines, saying he has to rest up for the game. But he has a foil-wrapped plate in his hand, so methinks the Smash is lying. But it doesn’t matter, because Condoleeza Rice is the Secretary of STATE!! WOOOO!!

Landry is sitting all by himself, so Tyra comes over and apologizes for what she said to him the other day. She was just pissed off at the situation and took it out on him. She says she’s trying to be better at a lot of things, which causes Landry to snark that that must be why she’s back with Riggins. She denies it but he says that she says that now, but not later on, when they’re partying and the beer is flowing and he comes in with his “cute but tragic Texas Forever routine”. Wow. Landry’s got Tim’s number, all right. Also, is Landry one of the writers for this show? He keeps using all these meta-references, like “comic relief” and “leading man” and then this Texas forever thing. I mean, I approve, but it’s kind of funny. He goes on to ask if that’s really what she wants, if she wants to go on and get married to a drunk would-be gas station attendant and have his “not-so-biologically-gifted kids”. He says she should be someone who will take care of her and respect her for the “smart and beautiful and caring woman that you are”. Tim interrupts this little lovefest and asks if Landry’s coming out to party. He says no and leaves, while Tyra looks after him, with a look that says he left her with a lot to think about. And I for one am envisioning a dramatic profession of love and its subsequent makeout session come next week! Huzzah! The “Landry + Tyra” banner is being waved furiously! By me!

Smash shows up on Waverly’s doorstep and complains to her about how Buddy stole his joke. Hehe. He gives her the piece of cake he brought, and says that he missed her. Waverly is Touched. She takes his hand and leads him inside, where they will surly bump nasties well into the night.

At another, less promising doorstep, Jason waits for Lyla. She answers the door and he says he just wants to talk about some things. She says there’s no need, she saw him last night and now she’s totally clear on everything and she can move on, even though he never had the guts to tell her himself. Jason’s kind of just gawking at all this, so she tells him not to come back, then goes inside and shuts the door. You really screwed the pooch on this one, Street. And he knows it. And I am grumpy, because I don’t like it when I’m forced to hate my dear Jason. And yet…I’m gonna have to side with Lyla on this one.

Over at the Taylor house, Coach and Tami are snuggling. Aw. He asks if they’re done fighting, then says “I love you. I respect you. I am proud of you. I am in love with you completely.” Update: I’m swooning. “I’m sorry for the way this happened. I’ll tell you what, though. Austin is going to be good to this family.” Aw. Tami, smiling, says “I know it is. But baby…I’m not going to Austin.” AAAH! What’s going to HAPPEN?!?!

“I’m in a STATE of confusion!! Woooo STATE!”

Ohhhh man. Okay. One more episode to go. Pray to the Lord above that it’s not the last one forever. This show won the Peabody Award, for Chrissakes! Doesn’t that mean anything in this world anymore?! Sorry, okay. I must focus. So. Big game next week. WILL the Panthers win? WILL Coach turn down the job and stay in Dillon? WILL Landry and Tyra get together? WILL Lyla go on a drunken rage and kill her father, Jason, and Suzie the Strumpet? WILL I even be conscious to recap the episode because of the frenzy I plan on whipping myself into because it’s going to be SO AWESOME? Well, I hope so. Best show ever. Thoughts? Comments? Liquid is a STATE of matter! WOOOO!