Game of Thrones: Hos Over Bros

Previously… Catelyn goes to visit Renly; Littlefinger goes to visit Tyrion’s ho; Jon and Sam go to visit creepy incest cabin; Craster goes to visit the woods in the middle of the night and leaves a baby there; Theon goes home to the Iron Islands and is not so welcome.

Beyond the Wall

Craster busts out into his cabin and tells the Night’s Watch to GTFO. Jon gets a shock when he tries to explain to the Lord Commander that there’s man-baby-killing afoot: Mormont already knew, and decided not to do anything about it cause the incest cabin is so helpful to the black crows. I thought that might be Gilly’s baby, but it doesn’t seem to be since she’s stacking wood instead of freaking the fuck out. Sam gives her a gift… a thimble? a spindel? or something?….that was his mom’s.

Winterfell

Winterfell has that gross, muddy, pre-winter look about it that I know so well being from New England. Bran finally describes his wolf dreams to the Maester, but the Maester doesn’t get that these dreams are SPECIAL and DIFFERENT. Old Nan used to tell Bran stories about shape shifters and stuff. (I miss Old Nan! That actress died ) The Maester tells a sad story about how he’s not special and can’t do magic so Bran can’t either. Thanks…

Renly’s Camp

Down at Renly’s camp, he and his new wifey, Margaery (aka his boyfriend’s sis… awkward…. also it’s that chick from the Tudor’s who got her head chopped off!) are watching a duel between said Loras and… A LADY! Woot! That’s right, it’s Brienne! She is a ballerrrr. (example 1 of a woman being the boss). Feminism for life. I imagined her a bit more manly, but I guess this is TV and we’ll probably have to see her boobs at some point.

the future of feminism

As her prize, Brienne gets to be part of Renly’s guard. What fun. Brienne and Loras get a bit sassy at Catelyn for not addressing Renly as king and for hiding Robb in her skirts. They’re a little obsessed with Renly. Catelyn “My son is fighting a war. Not playing at one.” BOOM. (example 2 of a woman being the boss)

Time for some hot gay brother-in-law on brother-in-law action! It’s times like these I love me some HBO.

Yeeaaa undrawstringify those old-fashioned shirts

Seriously, why is everyone so excited about undressing? Am I missing something? Loras has a big bruise on his booby, courtesy of Brienne. He’s also more than a wee bit jealous. But not sexually.. cause… he needs Renly to go bang his sister. Cause she needs to be pregnant to seal the alliance. Margaery saunters in all boobalicious, ready to be fertilized. They have some awkward presex banter where he warns her he’s a little too drunk to get it up, as well as complimenting her dress. She puts her boobs out, and he still can’t get it up. She looks voracious; he looks very concerned. “Do you want my brother to come in and help? He can get you started. Or I can turn over and you can pretend I’m him.” HAHAHAHAH I love this chick. WHATABOSS. She offers up a devil’s/brother in law’s three way; anything to get knocked up. (example three of a woman being the boss.. although feel free disagree that offering yourself up sexually to your brother = being the boss)

Iron Islands

So, why did Theon’s sis Yara let the gross incest go on last week? She wanted to see if her brother was a douche a lot. The more you know… The two sibs and their pop are having a little war council on how to take down all the other attempted kings. Yara gets thirty ships; Theon gets one – ‘The Sea Bitch’. Ouch. (example four of a woman being the boss) The family still doesn’t trust Theon; they think he’s a pansy wolf. He wants to strategize and join with Robb; pop and sis just want to kill peeps. Theon lets his daddy issues fly – I guess his pop gave him away to the Starks when they lost their rebellion.

Theon writes a letter to Robb, explaining his father’s nefarious plans, but in the end he burns it instead of sending it.

METAPHOR

He then gets consecrated with some salt water, and says the creepy motto “What’s dead may never die.”

King’s Landing

In King’s Landing, Tyrion’s ho Shae is throwing a little hissy fit about her: cabin fever. She can’t go anywhere, has to hide, and Tyrion wants her to pose as a kitchen wench “Every man who’s tasted my cooking has told me what a good whore I am.” She’s getting a little big for her whore-britches. (i will count this as example five of being a boss).

Awkward family dinner time! It’s Cersei, Joffrey’s less douchey sibs, and Sansa. Sansa does some great fake excitement about marrying Joffrey. The littlest Lannister bro reveals himself as the least shitty member of the family; he doesn’t want Joffrey to kill Robb. (Cersei, Sansa and Myrcella don’t get to be the boss. sorry.)

Shae has the awesome new job of hand-maidening for Sansa, who is unsurprisingly a bitch mistress a la Cinderella stepsister.

gotta marry a king who had my dad beheaded: medieval white girl problems

Tyrion visits Pycelle under the pretense of needing some poop medicine. Really, he’s there to dangle a “secret” that the queen “mustn’t know”: Cersei’s daughter will be wed to a son of Dorne (he tells Pycelle); or Theon (he tells Varys the Spider); or Robin Arryn of the Vale, Catelyn’s adult breastfeeding nephew (he tells Littlefinger).

you can tell he’s being crafty by the pinky!

Yup, someone cracked; Cersei thinks Myrcella is going to Dorne. Oh, Pycelle, you old fart! As Tyrion has said, Cersei’s only good quality is her love of her children; she won’t have Myrcella sold for an alliance, as she was to King Robert. Littlefinger is rather grumaplicious about Tyrion’s little scheme; not grumpy enough to straight up deny his offer to send Littlefinger to treat with Catelyn, his old love. Tyrion is even more grumpalicious towards Pycelle, who revealed his plan to Cersei. He storms into his room:

Tyrion: “Cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats.”

Dumb guard: “There are no goats, ser.”

Tyrion: “Well, make do!”

Instead of the peen, they take the beard, and put Pycelle in a cell. Tyrion leaves Pycelle’s prostitute two coins: one for her trouble; the other, I assume, for silence. Varys isn’t offended by the scheme, he’s admiring. He offers up a little riddle which I am way too lazy to type, but whose moral is: “Power resides where men believe it resides. It’s a trick, a shadow on the wall. And… a very small man can cast a very large shadow.” I love Varys, he’s such a mystery!

The King’s Road

Arya, sharpening her Needle into the night, chills with the Night’s Watch recruiter. She can’t sleep, since she’s only like eleven and has seen some scary shit – such as her father being beheaded, for instance. That’s a good formula for nightmares. Too bad Arya doesn’t have YouTube; this is my nightmare formula:

http://www.youtube.com/watchv=lTNK1cokqeE&feature=plcp&context=C4954636VDvjVQa1PpcFMFChPInCwkoBEn7dGExJgNM6yYx9pKTX8%3D

Night’s Watch guy helpfully shares a story about the murder of his brother. After some guy Willem killed his brother, Night’s Watch guy repeated his name every night – until he finally got the chance to bury an axe in his skull.

sweet dreams honey!

Just then, some horn blowing and horsey armory sounds are heard from outside. It’s the King’s men here again, looking for Gendry. The Night’s Watch people won’t drop their weapons, soooo everybody dies. The recruiter gets killed; all the kids run in to help him and also get killed. Battle battle battle battle. Arya helps the prisoners escape from their cage, which is coincidentally on fire. The King’s dudes round up all the kids to take them to proson at Harrenhal. The bratty kid from last episode gets his throat stabbed in, which I will refrain from screens hotting for you. Whoa dude. This show hates kids. It’s almost as traumatizing as the movie Kids. Arya tells the King guard people that Gendry is dead – she says he was the bratty kid who just got stabbed in the neck. (example six of a woman being a boss.) Bratty kid was conveniently trying to steal Gendry’s helm when he got shot. Am I allowed to say good riddance about kids? Eeeep desensitization to violence.

So anyway, the tough women in this episode rocked it – plus Tyrion as always. I sort of feel like these tough girls, at least the non-Starks, lack a little emotional depth though.. perhaps because several of them are defined by their relation to a more important male character (Renly’s wife, Renly’s guard, Tyrion’s ho..” I still love it though. You very rarely see baller-ass women like this on the tee-vee.

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