Game of Thrones Recap: Herbert Lives!

MY HAMSTER LIVES!!!

So far, anyway. I haven’t been home in three days, but he was alive last time I saw him and making normal poops again. YAY HERBERT! And now our regularly scheduled program which you actually care about.

Previously on a Game of Thrones…

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Yea, that’s pretty much all you need to know. Now…

Winterfell

Last week, Theon attacked Torrehen Square, a castle loyal to Winterfell. Ser Roderick freaked the eff out, and Bran let him take most of Winterfell’s defensive army. This week, Theon’s plan is complete; he has conquered a largely undefended Winterfell, and it didn’t look too tough.

Theon was probably expecting fear and respect, but really everyone’s just like… what? Didn’t you just live here? Didn’t we raise you? Aren’t you pretty much a Stark? Which, of course, is what Theon’s creepy dad and sis think as well, and is the reason he has to prove himself by taking out his adopted fam. Bran asks sadly if Theon always hated the Starks. I don’t think he did, and I don’t think he does now either. He’s just hungry for respect, and he’s not getting it anywhere.

the lords of winterfell.

So, yes, this was Bran’s dream. Theon = the ocean. Prolly smells like it too. Theon gathers the Winterfell folk in the courtyard; as per Bran’s dream, Roderick is the first to die – for sassing Theon. Theon wants to just lock him up, but the iron shipmates have to respect Theon manhood, which means chop chop. Theon’s voice goes up like an octave and a half when he announces the death sentence. The Maester tries to use logic to dissuade him, but hes all about IRON LOGIC now! Roderick goes jollily, telling little Bran he’s off to see Ned Stark.

make my day.

At least Theon does it himself, a la Ned Stark in the first episode. Badly, unfortunately. Takes quite a few chops and a kick to get the head rolling. Then it starts to rain. Tears of the old gods! A sad day for mutton chops everywhere.

Osha offers to carry a spear and serve Theon, but he shoots her down. Later on, she comes to make her offer again.. but this time, with boobs! We all know Theon is a disgusting freak when it comes to the ladies, so of course he starts listening once the nips come out.

t- one centimeter til theon’s brain turns off

She’s trading sex for her freedom; as you may remember, it was Theon himself who caught Osha last season, and she’s been a Stark servant ever since. Girls gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. Post-sexin, Osha crawls out of bed like an sneaky little animal. Whatchoo doin girl? Oh, slitting the throat of Theon’s guard? Cool cool cool. She whistles into the night, and out come Bran, Rickon and Hodor to escape! Get it girrrrl. Yea we use our bodies! What you gonna say about it! If you’re wondering who Rickon is, it’s the littlest Stark, who we never ever see and seems vaguely annoying.

The Wilderness

PUPPIEZZZ

Off in the wilderness, Ghost is having a grand old time being a white wolf amongst the snow. Jon yells at him to come back. Umm.. nice stealth. Qhorin Halfhand is still wondering why Jon came along for this dangerous mission, and drops some sensei knowledge about the ways of the north and the nature of wildness. Apparently, if Jon’s too eager to die for Westeros, he’ll die easily and that won’t do anybody any good. He wants Jon to be good and scared of death, and well aware that the spoiled brats south of the Wall do not give a shit who dies up north as long as they’re safe.

yoda of the north