Game of Thrones Recap: Herbert Lives!

Jon and his crew finally find the little group of wildling lookouts, and they take them out post-haste. Ooh, this is the prettiest slaughter ever! I love horrible death against a majestic backdrop. Jon finds the prettiest little almost-slaughtered girl ever, Ygritte. Jon doesn’t want to kill her cause she’s a lady, and a young, hot, redheaded lady to boot, so they question her instead. The scoop: all the freefolk (aka wildlings) are gathering to march on the Wall. Bodies should be burned so they don’t turn into scary ice zombies. Yea, we already knew that.

Jon promises to kill Ygritte, and the other Crows go to… wait somewhere else? Isn’t chopping off someone’s head a quick job, like, couldn’t they just wait there? No, they have to leave the virginal teenage boy who hasn’t seen a girl in months with the vicious redhead wildling. She’s the second person to stick her neck out to get chopped today, telling Jon to get it over quick. He hesitates for awhile, then takes a swing and a miss.

BOOM already got her on her knees

Why isn’t she like, getting up and running away? The sword doesn’t look too sharp or anything.

Oh.. I guess she heard me, cause she just hit him and made off, and now she’s running away. Where is your extremely fast and stealthy wolf when you need him? Running in all those furs and with that sword and stuff must suck. Also.. do you know where you are Jon? You’re leaving all your peeps behind.

He finally catches her, but again with the killing hesitation, and ties her up instead. Ygritte gets Jon all freaked out about finding his Crows bros again. He, after all, has no idea where he is, and she has no incentive to help him find them again. They probably think he’s dead since he’s a rookie idiot. Plus, the night is coming. Jon’s solution? Lie down in the open and spoon.  Despite rising to bondage level mere hours after meeting, their spooning is the most awkward ever. Especially once Ygritte starts grinding her hips into him all sexy-like. What a crafty bird.

awkward spooning, with bonus play options!

Harrenhall

Time for some sassy papa Tywin time! OOOH shit, his secretary man accidentally sent a letter detailing military movements to a house loyal to the Starks. However, Tywin doesn’t chop off his head immediately. Whattt? Papa Tywin’s getting soft. Arya smiles, I guess because the Starks have extra info now, or maybe she’s the one who set up the mistake. Her smile disappears when she hears Littlefinger being announced – he might recognize her! I wouldn’t be so scared. These guys a. don’t give a shit about women b. don’t give a shit about the poors c. really don’t give a shit about servants.

Littlefinger’s here to report on the rumors of the diarrhea monster that killed Renly. Wait… wasn’t Littlefinger with Stannis? Wait, the Tyrells? Wait no was he on Renly’s side? Oh, Littlefinger. He’s there to try to get Tywin to take the Tyrells (Renly’s boyfriend and wife) on his side, since they have a big army and hate Stannis and such. Arya manages to make it out of the room without Littlefinger recognizing her, although he does give her some long looks.

After Littlefinger leaves, it’s time for an awkward, random talk between Arya and Tywin about dyslexia. I guess Jaime has it, and Tywin made him learn to read anyway and it was really hard. K? So they’re bonding, albeit Arya is lying left and right about her family. Never expected so much sympathy for this guy. While Tywin’s telling Arya about his papa, Arya’s slipping a note about Robb Stark’s movements into her pocket. Good girl! Don’t let those Lannisters suck you in! Right after she reads it (I couldn’t read the fancy handwriting…anyone catch it?) she gets caught by one of Tywin’s minions, Amory Lorch, who realizes what she’s up to and goes off to tell Tywin.

arya’s general expression for this entire season