Game of Thrones Recap: Herbert Lives!

Thankfully, Arya is able to find her sexy murderer in time and give him the name! Sexy murderer gets him in time, and Lorch falls down dead just as he opens the door to tell his lord. Phew! That is seriously a waste of a name though. Are there conditions to this “I’ll kill any three people”  thing that I don’t know about? Or is Arya just being stupid because she’s like eleven and her brain hasn’t developed long term thinking?

King’s Landing

The little princess, Myrcella, is on a boat to Dorne to be married off, completing Tyrion’s plan. I’m still confused as to whether this was the plan all along. Cersei waxes poetic about how she can’t wait for Tyrion to fall in love, so Cersei can ruin his life by taking her. That’s one bitter mama.

something’s afoot!

On the way back to the castle, there’s a mad crazy riot from the peasant people, who are hungry.They literally rip off a priest’s limbs, and hit Joffrey in the face with some poop. (Couldn’t get a screen shot of it. I tried. Joffrey would prefer to see all his subjects killed, which shows what kind of awesome king he is. Joffrey and Cersei get inside safely, but Sansa is being chased by some rapey looking dudes.

When the important royalty get inside safely, Tyrion’s flips at his vicious idiot boy king. He’s very concerned for Sansa, but not for her sake – if Sansa’s dead, they’ll never be able to trade her for Jaime! How important is this? SLAP WORTHY, thats how important.

click for slap action ROUND TWO!

Sansa is meanwhile being stripped and almost raped, when the Hound comes to her rescue and literally rips out throats and guts and hearts to save her.  He then throws Sansa over his shoulder and carts her to safety.

redeeming the reps of burn-y faced dudes everywhere

My man. Some other ladies are not so luckily and are getting viciously raped outside. Noone cares about them, obvs.

As Sansa recovers from her near-rape experience, she’s lectured on safety and poverty and stuff from Tyrions’ whore. Why do the peasants hate her? “Your horse eats better than his children.”

Robb’s Camp

Back in Robb’s camp, Robb’s hitting on Taleesa again. He’s about to ask her out when Catelyn comes cock-blocking along. Hey Robb.. remember that time you’re already engaged to the gross daughter of the gross guy who didn’t want to let you cross the bridge? The cockblock is itself interrupted by the news of Winterfell’s capture. Robb wants to go chop Theon’s head himself, but one of his commander dudes convinces him to send his “bastard at Dreadfort” instead. That sounds comforting.

Qarth

Since Daenerys won’t  marry the rich hot black guy, she has to suck up to the midgety fat gross really rich guy. She wants his ships, so she can retake her crone and all. He’s like, well, you have any allies, or any army? Nope. So she’s a bad investment, and she can’t have the ships.

Also, did you know that’s wig? Poor thing. That must be uncomfortable. Probably not as uncomfortable as bleaching your roots every thirty seconds though. Osha whored herself for Bran’s freedom, but Daenerys won’t whore herself for some ships. That’s where pride gets you. Apparently, pride also gets you a bunch of dead slaves, including most of the warriors and the nice seamstress slave.

It also gets your dragons stolen. Uh ohhh.

 Please comment, it warms Herbert and I’s hearts!