Game of Thrones Recap: Hot for Torture

Recaps

By McWeanis | Tuesday, April 24, 2012 | 10:30 am | 36 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Game of Thrones, Recaps

OMGEEEZ I’m so excited! I’m watching TV or a real TV and it looks soooo good! And my recaps gonna be posted at a reasonable time!

Previously… look at my recap, cause I just posted it on Saturday. Heads in saddlebags, gross sex, betrayal, imprisonment, dead children and so forth.

Dude, the map looks so freakin sweet when I can’t count the pixels! And we’re hitting a new spot this week: Qarth.

War Someplace

The scene opens on some rainy ass weather, where some unidentified soldiers are having some stereotypically misogynist banter about who’s the manliest warrior. Of course, it can’t be Loras, since “he’s been stabbing Renly Baratheon for years and Renly ain’t dead!” Just then the horses get spooked by something… a massive fart! No, really, that happened in the show, it wasn’t me. Oh wait, they were actually spooked by Robber’s baller wolf. We see Robb’s forces coming in behind the wolf, and then stupid cheap HBO cuts to the next morning with deads lying everywhere. Just kidding HBO, keep it cheap if it keeps it on the air. Some assistant warrior guy is trying to convince Robb to let him torture the prisoners by flaying their skin. Yum.

Screen Shot 2012-04-24 At 10.22.57 Am

Robb gets distracted by the admittedly enticing sight of a man’s foot being amputated. He helps the nurse-minx hold the guy down, and gives her come-hither eyes as she saws off the limb. Yes, everyone in this show is turned on by either incest or violence, as the show will continue to prove through this episode and beyond. After helping with the foot business, Robb goes over to hit on the girl, who I believe is called Talessa, from Volantys? She’s not having the whole war thing. You know, meaningless carnage and all. As a reader of the books, I am pleased with how they changed this character, if she is who I think she is.

Sweden a la Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

In King’s Landing, Sansa is aiming a crossbow straight as Sansa’s face in his throne room. Apparently she has to pay for Robb’s sneaky wolf victory with her face, or by being beaten and stripped by the King’s Guard in front of everyone. Joffrey: “Leave her face, I like her pretty.” Luckily, Tyrion marches in at the last moment and shuts down Pruney Malfoy. While hustling Sansa out of the room, he asks if she wants an end to her engagement. Sansa (with the dead eyes): “I am loyal to Joffrey, my own true love.”

Screen Shot 2012-04-24 At 10.23.33 Am

Tyrion and his minion wonder if there’s a remedy for the recent increase in Joffrey’s Douche-level; (I would say not; as Bron points out, “there’s no cure for being a cunt;”) however, perhaps a good cherry popping will do the trick? Yes, let’s sic Joffrey on a much less “honorable” and much more defenseless girl! Oh, actually two – of Littlefinger’s girls: the madame and the one who got the jizz wiped off her mouth last time. Rather than enjoying Giggly Prostitute Time like a good boy, Joffrey gives the madam his belt and makes her beat the other girl. Her butt is all bruised up in like two seconds. (Also, in a nice Biblical nod, the girl getting beaten is holding a half eaten apple.) THEN HE GIVES HER A FUCKING GIANT POINTY STAFF OR SOMETHING TO FUCK HER WITH HOLY SHIT AHHH THIS WAS NOT IN THE BOOK oh wait actually she’s just hitting the girl with the big staff, not raping her with it. Which is better… I guess. Either way, this is Joffrey’s sick revenge on Tyrion for saving Sansa.

A Lannister cousin comes to Tyrion’s room to haughtily drop off a warrant from Cersei to release Pycelle. Tyrion tricks the cousin into admitting that he’s banging Cersei in like thirty five seconds, and threatens to tell Joffrey. That was some swift, previously completely unreferenced blackmail. I thought she loved Jaime? This guy is like an even gayer Legolas. Anyway, he will now be Tyrion’s spy.

The Gayborhood

Littlefinger is at Renly’s camp to suck up to him, but not in the fun way Loras does. (Ummm Littlefinger just said “urrrd” but I think he meant “erred”.) Littlefinger is offering to open the gates of King’s Landing for Renly’s forces. Hmmm, what’s the angle here? I thought he was meeting Catelyn. He also chats up Margaery, who is wearing a bowl for a dress, about her gay husband. She smartly deflects, as usual.

Littlefinger finally finds Catelyn, and she’s not too pleased to see him, as he contributed to Ned’s head-chopping. He not-too-smartly begins with the proposition that Ned’s death is fate giving them a chance to finally hook up, before moving on to the real bait: Arya and Sansa. He straight up lies and says the Lannisters have Arya. (Well, they do, but they don’t know it.) He tries to appeal to her weakness (uterus instinct) and offers an exchange behind Robb’s back: the girls for Jaime. As a show of goodwill, he offers her Ned’s bones. Man, these were different times. The whole “betray your son! ps here’s your husband’s remains” thing doesn’t work out, and Catelyn tells Littlefinger GTFO.

Pre-Development Southern California

Another of Daenerys’ riders is back, and he still has his head! He also has a new horse, courtesy of the Thirteen, rules of Qarth.

A long sweaty walk later, Daenerys and her twelveish followers reach Qarth and are greeted by some Athenian looking merchants, the Thirteen. They want to see the dragons before they let Daenery’s tribe in, but she said no. They have a little dog syndrome thing going on about their town, which noone has heard of but is apparently the greatest city that ever was or will be. Twelve of the thirteen wants to let Daenerys starve outside the gates, but the tallest, blackest of them all cuts his hand open or something so she can come in. The city’s all pretty and gold looking.

Screen Shot 2012-04-24 At 10.25.12 Am

By the way, really? We’re inventing a whole new world and we still have to have all the main, “Western-y” people be white and all the non-white people be savage tribes or foreigners from the mysterious Orient? wahhh.

(Harren)hell

Arya and the other kids have reached Harrenhal, which is the architectural equivalent of the elephant graveyard in the Lion King (and perhaps the source of this week’s title, ‘Garden of Bones’. There’s screams and the smell of the dead and probably roasting flesh and lots of torture and chains and the abrupt ends of screams as people die. One of the prisoners is killed each day, and it sounds like a horrible stretch death. Arya comforts herself in her roofless, rainy cell by reciting her death prayer. I heard at least Cersei, Ilyn Payne and the Hound.

Arya gets a super rude terrifying awakening in the morning, as the Mountain (the Hound’s bigger, more evil brother) shows up to pick the torture victim of the day. They barely pass over the wimpy fat boy from Arya’s group. The poor guy they do ask gets repeatedly questioned about “The Brotherhood.” Hmm… They do a weird torture method where they put a rat in a bucket and then heat the bucket with fire. I’m not exactly sure what the confluence of these two items is supposed to be. Hot bucket bad, rat bad, together… what? Biting hot rat? That night, Arya adds the two torturers to her death prayer.

Oh WOW transition, there’s the tortured guy from earlier’s head on a spike. It’s the next day, and Gendry is today victim. Its the rat/bucket/fire combo again. Right when they get started, though, Lord Tywin (papa Lannister) marches in and everyone loses their shit trying to bow to him. He’s all utilitarian and stuff and wants to use the prisoners for work instead of torture. He actually seems reasonable right now. He immediately realizes that Arya is a girl, and picks her as his new cupbearer.

On an Unidentified Hill

Time for an awkward meeting between brothers! Grumpy, stony Stannis and soft, charming Renly. (I actually imagined Stannis as meaner looking, btdubs). They’re wicked pissed at each other about the whole fighting for the throne thing. Stannis has a threat: if Renly doesn’t give up his claim to the throne by dawn, Stannis will destroy him.

On an Unidentifed Boat

Davos, aka former pirate, aka the Onion Knight, is chatting with Stannis about how he keeps his old finger bones (which Stannis chopped off as pirate punishment) around his neck. Stannis wants Davos to use his old pirate ninja skills to sneak Melisandre ashore in the middle of the night. Davos, like pretty much everyone else, really doesn’t like Melisandre and her creepy magic. He probably likes her less after she accuses him of wanting to bone her as they row over.

Once ashore, they reached a barred gate. Melisandre’s response is to get naked and lie in the sand and WHOA! she’s super pregnant. She spreads her legs and starts insta-birthing something. I don’t say baby, because I’m pretty sure she was not pregnant when she boned Stannis last episode, and also her stomach is grossly pulsating.

She is actually birthing what appears to be living diarrhea. Some sort of dirty gassy poop troll, which then flies of into the night towards Renly’s camp. Mmmmk. Here’s a screenshot of the poop monster! It’s super dark, but I did what I could!

Screen Shot 2012-04-24 At 10.28.34 Am

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McWeanis
About

first thing's first: the origin of "mcweanis."

It is not because I have a giant weanis (look it up) although it is usually unusually bulbous and crusty.

it is in fact because as a child i was dubbed Weanie (it rhymes with my first name, because i'm awesomely named)  by my older sister Drunk, which my friends co-opted and which eventually evolved into weanis and finally mcweanis or MC weanis depending on how gangster i am at the time.

i am a huge nerd of all kinds, especially tv, books, and school. i'll be going to harvard law school in the fall cause i'm so SCHMANCY! i plan to put my excellent time management skills to work in balancing my courseload and my must-watch-tv-load.

36 Comments

  1. 1
    Bioscotto
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Hoorah for Game of Thrones! Yay for recaps!

    A few things:

    “The Garden of Bones” was the area around Qarth, due to all the people dying of thirst when they close their gates.

    Rat in bucket, plus fire, means that you produce a frenzied rat who will do anything to get away from the fire, including BURROWING INTO THE CHEST CAVITY of the individual in the way. Slowly…and painfully…I’m assuming until it finally manages to chew through the ribs and destroy the heart. Not pleasant, I’m sure…

    And the thing Melisandra gives birth to is a shadow…just an interestingly visually conceived shadow…I liked it :D

    I really liked the added “Joffery is a serious horrible person” stuff this episode. They obviously want to make sure we hate him real good…and I, too, got real concerned when he handed that stag-headed scepter to the whores…I’m glad it was just for beating… o.O

    I also LOVE the opening, and love that they added Harrenhal as a broken piece of the “gameboard” where the gears don’t work anymore…because it IS broken!

    Love this show, and love the books…they’re doing a good job of hitting the major points!

  2. 2
    Yanksfan24
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    I haven’t read the books and am probably echoing other sentiments but this season has been so damn confusing. There are just too many storylines and too many characters. My favorite is Danny but in 3 episodes she’s been onscreen a total of 5 minutes, maybe. I’ll definitely keep watching but will need a chart and a map to keep track.

  3. 3
    SuburBint
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    I can’t imagine watching this without having read the books to help keep track of what’s going on. Even with the books, I would be hard pressed to tell you what happens in which book after the first one, because of all the jumping from character to character. I love having so many indepth perspectives, but it certainly gets confusing.

  4. 4
    T-Cake T-Cake
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Nice, very concise recap!

    FYI: The “previously completely unreferenced blackmail” was actually very strongly referenced in season one when this exact Lannister cousin was naked with Cersei in her bedroom.

  5. 5
    MJH
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Bioscotto nailed the torture with the rat. I remember a similar scene years ago on a show La Femme Nikita that was pretty disturbing.

    I believe they showed Cersei and the cousin in bed last year at some point.

    I have not read the books, and I must say my confusion is starting to go away. I think I have a grasp on every story line now. Well I did until the Fire love queen birthed the black smoke from Lost…….

  6. 6
    Ms Cool
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Holy cow, I am so lost.

  7. 7
    McWeanis McWeanis
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    its a poop shadow.
    oh yea, you’re right about the garden of bones. but i like the lion king reference better:)

  8. 8
    McWeanis McWeanis
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    oops! guess i should read my own recaps again :) thanks

  9. 9
    McWeanis McWeanis
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    maybe next week i will make a little family tree for you of who’s dead and who’s doing what :)

  10. 10
    mscool
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    That would be so dang awesome. I’m sure there is a book or wiki out there.

  11. 11
    Bioscotto
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    I like it better, too!! :D Be Prepared!

  12. 12
    Bioscotto
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    OMG CAN I RECAP LA FEMME NIKITA!? I know it’s not on anymore, but I freakin’ love that show!

    And…yeah…things start to get interesting as magic is reintroduced into the world…lol

  13. 13
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    The thing I find most interesting is how the show veers away from the books, which means that anything can happen. For instance, we know in the books that Arya is only about 9 yrs old, and pretends to be a boy for much longer while at Harrenhal. We also know she woks in the kitchens, is named Weasel, and eventually becomes cup bearer to Roose Bolton, I believe. And that’s like 500 pages into the book!
    Well, here we are, episode 4, and she’s already been pegged as a girl, and made to serve Tywin Lannister. (Clearly the actress went through a bit of a growth spurt and those budding breasts can’t be hidden forever.)

    I’m curious to see where this might lead us.. Will Tywin treat her kindly? Or she will whisper his name each night, as well?

    Some scenes I wish played out better onscreen:
    The Hound covering Sansa with his cloak. (He has a sort of tender spot for her that he cannot show in front of Joffery, but I believe Sansa doesn’t fear the Hound as much as she does the King.)

    Brienne pledging her loyalty to Renly. (I got the impression in the books that Brienne didn’t just love Renly, she was desperately in love with him and would do anything for him. I don’t feel like that was conveyed when she pledged fealty to him, she just came across as any devoted squire. I blame the writers for this. Those two need a one-on-one scene, or something.)

    While we don’t really need any more scenes of Joffrey being, well, Joffrey for us to remain convinced of his sadistic ways. However, I think this scene was necessary because it showed his disinterest in sex. The way he recoiled when Ros tried to touch him. In the books, he’s 13 or so..maybe he’s still in the ‘girls are icky’ phase. I mean, boys at that age usually hit and tease the girls they like. Joffery’s no different. He just uses a crossbow and scepter.

  14. 14
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    @Yanksfan: Dany’s storyline plays out like this in the books, too. SHe’s across the narrow sea, in a completely different world, and far away from the action of Westeros. Each time we check in with her, it will just a glimpse to see how she keeps on keeping on, or to offer exposition on what may be holding her back. She does encounter a few interesting people on the way, however.

  15. 15
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Are any of my fellow Gasmii history buffs regarding the British monarchy? I’ve read enough Philippa Gregory (The Other Boleyn Girl) novels to know that there are certain parallels to our fave characters of Westeros.

    Stark vs Lannister resembles York vs Lancaster, and their famous game of thrones.

    Also, I’m wondering if the Wildings beyond the wall are meant to represent the Scots, as that is usually how they are portrayed in history. And England was always afraid they would invade from the North, hence The Wall.

    I also wonder if the “narrow sea” is the separation between Western Europe (Westeros) and Northern Africa, which is where Dany seems to be. From the brown and browner people she encounters, to the desert landscape, it seems like it, no? Especially when you factor in the stereotypical depiction of tribes and savages, lol. But, at least Qarth looks beautiful. Maybe it was built by the same people who built the pyramids. ;)

  16. 16
    SuburBint
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    Me, me! My field of expertise (aka, nerdy, obsessive reading of both the fiction and non-fiction variety) is definitely the Tudors, but I’m pretty well versed in the various families that held the throne. Great insights, I hadn’t thought about it that way at all, but I think you are on to something.

  17. 17
    leslilly
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Dear Sarcastire, I think you are majorly on to something here.

  18. 18
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Also nerdy history buff/Anglophile… I love your ideas. They make sense. I am huge Queen Eleanor of A fan, but the Tudors are so fascinating. Recommend the autobiography of Henry VIII (with notes…).

  19. 19
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Thanks, guys!! I’ve only read the first three book and have been trying to chat people up about this but most people don’t aren’t nerds/anglophiles so they just give me a blank stare.

    No only storylines are ripped off ‘verbatim’ but George RR Martin does to seem to borrow alot.

    King Robert, Stannis, and Renly give off a vibe that is akin to the Suns of York. Robert being the first on the throne, Edward IV. And his two brothers, George and Richard III, make a play for the throne, as well. As I said, it isn’t the exact story..but there is a similarity.

    The author seemed to have also borrowed a bit of King Edward’s storyline in relation to Robb Stark and his future love interest, but I don’t wanna spoil anything for non-book readers. We’ll discuss that as it transpires.

    Nerds unite!!! :)

  20. 20
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Okay, my typos were just horrendous, but forgive me..I got excited!

  21. 21
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Sarcas, when it comes to depravity ya just can’t beat the Kings of Jolly Olde…

    I haven’t read the histories of that era for quite some time. Thanks for rekindling– used to love Ricky III. Reading about, that is.

  22. 22
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Ricky III’s storyline comes into play, also..maybe even this season! (Okay, my lips are zipped.)

  23. 23
    plockeness monster
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    I love P. G . novel as well!! It seems like you’re in good company. I def. see the parallels. So smart!!

  24. 24
    plockeness monster
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Great recap! Sometimes I have a hard time understanding what they are saying.

    I also thought the whore was going to get raped with the pointy club thing. Yikes.

    Poor Sansa.

  25. 25
    plockeness monster
    Posted April 24, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    I could be making this up, but I thought there was a line in this episode where someone acknowledge Brienne’s love for Renley.

  26. 26
    plockeness monster
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 6:42 am

    http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/Game_of_Thrones_Wiki

    This should help y’all.

  27. 27
    leslilly
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Yes! Let that be our battle cry – Nerds Unite! My husband likes the show but couldn’t give two shits about any real life parallels.

    I’m also a big Philippa Gregory, Margaret George & Alison Weir fan…and I have tons of books stacked up by other Anglophiles, such as Antonia Fraser, Robin Maxwell, Jean Plaidy. Too many interesting books, too little time.

    I’m thisclose to buying the GoT books. It sounds like all the Gasmii who read them gives the ole thumbs up.

  28. 28
    leslilly
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Plockeness monster – I thought the same. Ick! I despise Joffrey. (It sucks that he has the name of one of my favorite ballet companies – it kinda ruins it for me). Anyway, I’m the type that cringes at the gory scenes, but if and when “King” Joffrey bites it, I am going to enjoy it with eyes wide open and hit rewind. Such a sick little fucker. He actually makes me nauseous!

  29. 29
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Ricky III looms large in history and it is fitting for him to loom large in GoT, innit, Sarcas? So good of you to notice and comment on the parallels.

    No HBO, so books it is. Library this p.m.

  30. 30
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Pssst! (lowers voice) I get my GOT books and my Philippa Gregory fix at the library. There are just too many books and if I paid $30 for the hardcover for each one, I’d be selling plasma by now.

    Although, I think I want to own Book 3 of Game of Thrones. My fave so far..

  31. 31
    plockeness monster
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 11:28 am

    LOL! At least the aren’t referring to him as “The Joff” or “The Joffrey.”

  32. 32
    plockeness monster
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 11:29 am

    I am on Book 3 as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is A-MAZ-ING!

  33. 33
    plockeness monster
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 11:30 am

    I wonder how old the actor is that plays Joffrey??

  34. 34
    TWhit
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    YES! DO IT! Gawd I love/hated Michael….

  35. 35
    leslilly
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    I think he’s only 16? I’ll have to check imdb. I’ve thought about the age of the children actors as well – that was really a crazy scene for him to be in.

  36. 36
    leslilly
    Posted April 25, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    Libraries are awesome. My problem is that I spend too much time on the internet “reading” lol when I could be reading books!

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