OMGEEEZ I’m so excited! I’m watching TV or a real TV and it looks soooo good! And my recaps gonna be posted at a reasonable time!
Previously… look at my recap, cause I just posted it on Saturday. Heads in saddlebags, gross sex, betrayal, imprisonment, dead children and so forth.
Dude, the map looks so freakin sweet when I can’t count the pixels! And we’re hitting a new spot this week: Qarth.
The scene opens on some rainy ass weather, where some unidentified soldiers are having some stereotypically misogynist banter about who’s the manliest warrior. Of course, it can’t be Loras, since “he’s been stabbing Renly Baratheon for years and Renly ain’t dead!” Just then the horses get spooked by something… a massive fart! No, really, that happened in the show, it wasn’t me. Oh wait, they were actually spooked by Robber’s baller wolf. We see Robb’s forces coming in behind the wolf, and then stupid cheap HBO cuts to the next morning with deads lying everywhere. Just kidding HBO, keep it cheap if it keeps it on the air. Some assistant warrior guy is trying to convince Robb to let him torture the prisoners by flaying their skin. Yum.
Robb gets distracted by the admittedly enticing sight of a man’s foot being amputated. He helps the nurse-minx hold the guy down, and gives her come-hither eyes as she saws off the limb. Yes, everyone in this show is turned on by either incest or violence, as the show will continue to prove through this episode and beyond. After helping with the foot business, Robb goes over to hit on the girl, who I believe is called Talessa, from Volantys? She’s not having the whole war thing. You know, meaningless carnage and all. As a reader of the books, I am pleased with how they changed this character, if she is who I think she is.
Sweden a la Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
In King’s Landing, Sansa is aiming a crossbow straight as Sansa’s face in his throne room. Apparently she has to pay for Robb’s sneaky wolf victory with her face, or by being beaten and stripped by the King’s Guard in front of everyone. Joffrey: “Leave her face, I like her pretty.” Luckily, Tyrion marches in at the last moment and shuts down Pruney Malfoy. While hustling Sansa out of the room, he asks if she wants an end to her engagement. Sansa (with the dead eyes): “I am loyal to Joffrey, my own true love.”
Tyrion and his minion wonder if there’s a remedy for the recent increase in Joffrey’s Douche-level; (I would say not; as Bron points out, “there’s no cure for being a cunt;”) however, perhaps a good cherry popping will do the trick? Yes, let’s sic Joffrey on a much less “honorable” and much more defenseless girl! Oh, actually two – of Littlefinger’s girls: the madame and the one who got the jizz wiped off her mouth last time. Rather than enjoying Giggly Prostitute Time like a good boy, Joffrey gives the madam his belt and makes her beat the other girl. Her butt is all bruised up in like two seconds. (Also, in a nice Biblical nod, the girl getting beaten is holding a half eaten apple.) THEN HE GIVES HER A FUCKING GIANT POINTY STAFF OR SOMETHING TO FUCK HER WITH HOLY SHIT AHHH THIS WAS NOT IN THE BOOK oh wait actually she’s just hitting the girl with the big staff, not raping her with it. Which is better… I guess. Either way, this is Joffrey’s sick revenge on Tyrion for saving Sansa.
A Lannister cousin comes to Tyrion’s room to haughtily drop off a warrant from Cersei to release Pycelle. Tyrion tricks the cousin into admitting that he’s banging Cersei in like thirty five seconds, and threatens to tell Joffrey. That was some swift, previously completely unreferenced blackmail. I thought she loved Jaime? This guy is like an even gayer Legolas. Anyway, he will now be Tyrion’s spy.
Littlefinger is at Renly’s camp to suck up to him, but not in the fun way Loras does. (Ummm Littlefinger just said “urrrd” but I think he meant “erred”.) Littlefinger is offering to open the gates of King’s Landing for Renly’s forces. Hmmm, what’s the angle here? I thought he was meeting Catelyn. He also chats up Margaery, who is wearing a bowl for a dress, about her gay husband. She smartly deflects, as usual.
Littlefinger finally finds Catelyn, and she’s not too pleased to see him, as he contributed to Ned’s head-chopping. He not-too-smartly begins with the proposition that Ned’s death is fate giving them a chance to finally hook up, before moving on to the real bait: Arya and Sansa. He straight up lies and says the Lannisters have Arya. (Well, they do, but they don’t know it.) He tries to appeal to her weakness (uterus instinct) and offers an exchange behind Robb’s back: the girls for Jaime. As a show of goodwill, he offers her Ned’s bones. Man, these were different times. The whole “betray your son! ps here’s your husband’s remains” thing doesn’t work out, and Catelyn tells Littlefinger GTFO.
Pre-Development Southern California
Another of Daenerys’ riders is back, and he still has his head! He also has a new horse, courtesy of the Thirteen, rules of Qarth.
A long sweaty walk later, Daenerys and her twelveish followers reach Qarth and are greeted by some Athenian looking merchants, the Thirteen. They want to see the dragons before they let Daenery’s tribe in, but she said no. They have a little dog syndrome thing going on about their town, which noone has heard of but is apparently the greatest city that ever was or will be. Twelve of the thirteen wants to let Daenerys starve outside the gates, but the tallest, blackest of them all cuts his hand open or something so she can come in. The city’s all pretty and gold looking.
By the way, really? We’re inventing a whole new world and we still have to have all the main, “Western-y” people be white and all the non-white people be savage tribes or foreigners from the mysterious Orient? wahhh.
Arya and the other kids have reached Harrenhal, which is the architectural equivalent of the elephant graveyard in the Lion King (and perhaps the source of this week’s title, ‘Garden of Bones’. There’s screams and the smell of the dead and probably roasting flesh and lots of torture and chains and the abrupt ends of screams as people die. One of the prisoners is killed each day, and it sounds like a horrible stretch death. Arya comforts herself in her roofless, rainy cell by reciting her death prayer. I heard at least Cersei, Ilyn Payne and the Hound.
Arya gets a super rude terrifying awakening in the morning, as the Mountain (the Hound’s bigger, more evil brother) shows up to pick the torture victim of the day. They barely pass over the wimpy fat boy from Arya’s group. The poor guy they do ask gets repeatedly questioned about “The Brotherhood.” Hmm… They do a weird torture method where they put a rat in a bucket and then heat the bucket with fire. I’m not exactly sure what the confluence of these two items is supposed to be. Hot bucket bad, rat bad, together… what? Biting hot rat? That night, Arya adds the two torturers to her death prayer.
Oh WOW transition, there’s the tortured guy from earlier’s head on a spike. It’s the next day, and Gendry is today victim. Its the rat/bucket/fire combo again. Right when they get started, though, Lord Tywin (papa Lannister) marches in and everyone loses their shit trying to bow to him. He’s all utilitarian and stuff and wants to use the prisoners for work instead of torture. He actually seems reasonable right now. He immediately realizes that Arya is a girl, and picks her as his new cupbearer.
On an Unidentified Hill
Time for an awkward meeting between brothers! Grumpy, stony Stannis and soft, charming Renly. (I actually imagined Stannis as meaner looking, btdubs). They’re wicked pissed at each other about the whole fighting for the throne thing. Stannis has a threat: if Renly doesn’t give up his claim to the throne by dawn, Stannis will destroy him.
On an Unidentifed Boat
Davos, aka former pirate, aka the Onion Knight, is chatting with Stannis about how he keeps his old finger bones (which Stannis chopped off as pirate punishment) around his neck. Stannis wants Davos to use his old pirate ninja skills to sneak Melisandre ashore in the middle of the night. Davos, like pretty much everyone else, really doesn’t like Melisandre and her creepy magic. He probably likes her less after she accuses him of wanting to bone her as they row over.
Once ashore, they reached a barred gate. Melisandre’s response is to get naked and lie in the sand and WHOA! she’s super pregnant. She spreads her legs and starts insta-birthing something. I don’t say baby, because I’m pretty sure she was not pregnant when she boned Stannis last episode, and also her stomach is grossly pulsating.
She is actually birthing what appears to be living diarrhea. Some sort of dirty gassy poop troll, which then flies of into the night towards Renly’s camp. Mmmmk. Here’s a screenshot of the poop monster! It’s super dark, but I did what I could!
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