Game of Thrones: Sexy Ladies; Bloody Dogs

As I had suspected, the opening credits change each week depending on where the action is. Last week, Viserys and Daenerys were in Pentos; this week, the map shows us the tents of the Dothraki plains instead.

Last week’s episode ended with Bran being pushed to his (maybe) death by Jaime, after Bran caught them twincesting it up.

This week opens on our dragon princess Daenerys, who is being super emo as she travels with the long train of her new Dothraki people. She chews on some dried horse meat (yuck) and learns some Dothraki mythology from her mysterious protector, Ser Jorah Mormont. He’s been banished from Westeros, where Kings Landing, Winterfell, etc are are located, for some shady human trafficking.

In Daenerys’ next scene, she is (surprise!) naked and being rammed from behind by Khal Drogo. Seriously, he is a huge man. That has got to hurt, and Daenerys is crying just a bit.

I think you’re doing it wrong…

My favorite scene of the episode follows; Daenerys is being pampered by her three adorable ladies in waiting. They are cleaning and dressing the wounds on her palms from riding all day, and telling her myths about the now extinct dragons (*cue meaningful shot of the three dragons’ eggs*). I have a particular thing for one of her maids… she is HOT!

I want those side eyes!

Sexy Maid was sold to a ‘pleasure house’ at age 9. Daenerys is inspired to ask her sexy maid for help in overcoming the extreme rape-i-ness of her current sexual relations with Khal Drogo. The maid promptly mounts her, stroking her hands and revealing Daenerys’ utter lack of sensuality by contrast. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone’s boobs so many times without them feeling sexualized. After a few gyration lessons, Daenerys is ready to get it on with Khal Drogo – although I sense some serious sexual tension between Daenerys and her maid. Please, please, please go the Glee route on this!

This week I shall count non horse related mountings instead of beheadings.

In a super hot scene that I can’t even describe right now because I’m typing one-handed, Daenerys does her new gyrating moves on Khal Drogo and he’s lovin it. God, look at his thighs. Stupid strategically placed shadows obscuring all the man candy.

Back at Winterfell, Tyrion awakens, presumably hungover, in a pile of puppies. Aww! Joffrey, Cersei’s douchalichous princely son, teases him. Apparently he doesn’t know you don’t mess with Peter Dinklage; when Joffrey refuses to pay his respects to the injured Bran, Tyrion slaps him. Then again. And again. Beautiful. He then prances off to breakfast to be adorable with his nieces and nephews and coy with his sis and bro.

Bitch slap!

Cersei and Jaime are not pleased to discover that Bran is expected to live; Tyrion is not pleased that his siblings keep talking about how death is better than a life of deformity, and than Bran should be mercy-killed.

In a scene that I don’t at all remember from the book, Cersei pays a visit to Catelyn and the coma-y Bran. In a weird lady bonding moment, Cersei tells Catelyn all about the baby boy she lost long ago, a little “black haired boy.” Hmmm… all of Cersei’s other kids are blond (like her and Jaime!) I suspect it was no accident that this little boy, clearly Robert’s spawn, disappeared. I don’t trust Cersei one bit.

While the royals along with Ned, Arya and Sansa are preparing to depart, Jon Snow is also getting ready to leave. Little tomboy Arya (so cute!  Like a little lady gollum!) has a tearful goodbye with her bastard big bro, Jon Snow, before he leaves to go take his vows to protect the Wall as a member of the Night’s Watch. “Taking the black” requires celibacy, a lifetime of service and the renunciation of family, so she really is losing her big bro. He gifts her with a little girl sized sword, which she names Needle, and almost immediately almost pokes his eye out by trying to hug him sword in hand. In medieval times did they tell kids to carry swords by the blade like we do with scissors?

Jon then has another cute goodbye with Coma Bran, while his momma Catelyn Stark looks on VERY unhappily. She really hates him – and we learn why: the last time Ned Stark left with Robert, he came back with baby Jon Snow in hand. She’s worried history will repeat itself.

Requisite ‘Catelyn is an old gross crone’ shot. Seriously, I liked the character in the book but this lady is too wrinkly and grumpy.

In his goodbye with papa Ned, Jon Snow asks (for the first time I believe) about his mother. Ned says he’ll tell Jon about his mommy next time they meet, which is a cop-out if I’ve ever heard one. Robert noses into the same business later that day, asking about Ned’s “wench” and her bod, but Ned again refuses to talk about it.

At a bend in the King’s Road, father and bastard go their separate ways, with Ned, Arya, and Sansa heading to King’s Landing, and Jon Snow heading to the wall with his uncle and Tyrion the Imp. Tyrion and Jon Snow then have a great scene together which finalizes forever how much better Peter Dinklage is than everyone else on this show, especially Jon, who generally just appears kind of depressed and confused. Tyrion gives Jon a nice pep talk about his new brothers of the Night’s Watch, which includes a cadre of convicted ‘rapers’: “They were given a choice: castration or the wall. Most choose the knife.”

Back at Winterfell, Catelyn’s still haunting Bran’s bedside and looking generally exhausted and pissed off and gross. She doesn’t even get up to help when a fire (it’s a ploy!!!) erupts in another part of the castle. This happens to be a lucky turn of events, as the fire was in fact a ploy to distract everyone while a hobo-y looking assassin sneaks in to kill Bran. Stupid Lannisters. The assassin was obviously sent by Jaime and Cersei, as evidenced by the super-fancy dagger the hobo assassin carried. After a bloody wrestling match with Catelyn and a much bloodier encounter with Bran’s direwolf, the hobo lies dead spurting blood out his jugular. Not trusting a raven to carry the message, Catelyn hits the road to tell Ned about her suspicions. This is pretty much the first time she has done anything in the series other than give Jon Snow the stank eye.

I have to say the one thing I’m disappointed with is the direwolves. Even if it took some CG action, I would have liked some giant badass wolves. Those things are clearly adorable dogs. They did some sweet feral attacking this week, but still… dogs.

On the Kingsroad, Sansa and Joffrey are doing some betrothedly bonding when they come upon Arya practicing her new swordplay with the butcher’s boy. That sadistic little fuck carves a gash in the butcher boy’s face, causing Arya to hit him with her stick, causing him to scream “I’ll gut you you little cunt!” In the second awesome direwolf rescue, Arya’s wolf leaps in and gnaws on Joffrey’s douchey little arm. Arya and her wolfie run off into the woods to hide, and Joffrey cries like a little bitch.

I HATE BOTH OF YOU

Arya knows her wolfie is going to get hurt, so she tells her to leave. When her wolfie won’t go, she throws a rock at her. L WAHHHH! Arya herself gets caught and brought before the royal family. Cersei wants her beaten; Robert wants everyone to leave him alone; and Joffrey lies about Arya and the butcher boy viciously attacking him. Sansa is brought forward to testify, but in a glowing example of why I hate this bitch, she claims she “can’t remember” what happened rather than defend her sister and risk her marriage.

Arya gets off with a warning,  but the butcher’s boy is hunted down and killed.  Cersei insists that a wolf must pay. Since Arya’s wolf has disappeared, Sansa’s wolf has to take the heat. Ned has to go and kill little ‘Lady,’ who in fact didn’t do anything wrong and seems like a nice direwolf. I cried during this scene in the book, and I really bawled my eyes out when Ned gives it to Lady at the end of the episode.

Lady is so jolly she doesn’t know she’s about to DIE I HATE LANNISTERSSS 4EVERRR

At least SOMETHING good comes of it, however: as Lady dies, Bran’s eyes open. Watch out, all you twincesters out there.

Also… who is this nasty specimen???