GCB Recap: A Tale of Two Hags

Here at TVGASM, our church is television, and every day is a chance to worship at the altar of the greats.  My personal gods at the moment are Jason Katims, Ryan Murphy, Jane Espenson, Joss Whedon (now solely in DVD form), Tina Fey and Nigel Lythgoe.  They give my life meaning, purpose, and direction.  And soon to be added to that list are the creators of GCB.  Every week has been an improvement upon the last, and while it’s still a work in progress (the episodes still wrap up too neatly for a prime time soap), I’m loving it more and more.

Last week, a Christian Singles seminar led by Pastor Tudor (AKA Pastor Hunk) drove the plot.  Fatty Sharon finally confronted her husband, Philandering Phil about his indiscretion with Amanda (AKA Amanda Magdalene, or A-Magda).  Cricket (AKA Good Christian Beard, or GCBeard) was almost outted as an adultress as she turned to her Tae Kwon Do instructor for the sex she can’t get from her gay husband Blake (AKA Gay Closeted Blake, or GCB).  Carlene (AKA Queen B) got to the root of her husband, Rip’s (AKA Bobby Ewing), erectile dysfunction as stress over having been a victim of A-Magda’s dead husband’s ponzi scheme.  And finally, A-Magda received a pre-death Dear John letter from her dead husband, dredging up the feelings of betrayal all over again.

This week starts off in church with A-Magda arriving late for Sunday services in a blouse and SLACKS.  Oh, for shame, according to Gigi (AKA Mom Mary Jo).  Apparently, the unofficial 12^th Commandment is Thou shall not wear slacks to Church (if thou hast a vagina, lest ye be mistaken for a lesbian).

Martina Navratilova would be so proud!

What?  You didn’t know that?  Of course!  It comes right after #11 – Thou shall fork over 10% of thou hard earned income.  Apparently, A-Magda wore pants because she bruised her shin cleaning the toilets at Boobylicious.  Then Mom Mary Jo notices the open toed shoes and tries to shoo her into service through the side door.  Because toe cleavage is Satan’s ultimate temptation.  Before you know it, you’re wearing Birkenstocks, smoking weed, becoming liberal and voting democratic.  FOR SHAME!

A-Magda walks defiantly into church, watched closely and lustfully by teenage Landry Cockburn admiring the look of her backside clad tightly in the aforementioned slacks.

Some characters were clearly recast after the pilot.

Queen B chastises her son, determined to ensure that both the men in her family don’t become obsessed with the Widow Vaughn. Bobby Ewing is quick to correct her—he’s not obsessed with her but with her dead husband and their stolen mini-fortune.  He suggests Queen B be more friendly to her so that they can start sniffing out some info.

A-Magda’s son, Will, hears a fancy car horn, asking who’s rolling up to church in the Mercedes Rolls Bentley convertible.  Mom Mary Jo gleefully welcomes Queen B’s uncle, and her longtime BFF, Berl, back from delivering Bibles to 3^rd World countries off the side of his yacht.  Apparently, he completely avoided the pirates off the coast of Africa, then.  It’s called Suspension of Disbelief, people. Roll with it.  Mom Mary Jo and Uncle Berl, greet each other warmly before an arctic cold front blows into Dallas with the reunion of Mom Mary Jo and Uncle Berl’s wife, Bitsy.

Let the parade of awesome guest stars begin!

Recognize them, anyone?  That’s right!  Veteran TV actor Bruce Boxleitner and Donna Mills of Knots Landing fame!!!!  LOVE!!!!!!!!  Personally, Knots Landing was my least favorite of the classic prime time soaps, preferring Dallas, Dynasty, and Falcon’s Crest.  However, I hope this is one in what’s to be a long time of guest appearances by the likes of Joan Collins, Linda Evans, Lorenzo Lamas, William Devane, Ted Shackelford, Joan Van Ark, and Heather Locklear.  I’d list all the great Dallas alumni, but with TNT rebooting that show, they’re probably off limits.  Oh well.  Mom Mary Jo offers to throw Uncle Berl a welcome home party as he walks into church with his arm around both ladies.

Immediately cut to coffee hour after the services, and GCBlake commiserates with A-Magda about her church fashion faux pas.  And if anyone knows fashion, look to the gaybie in the room.  A-Magda excuses herself to go work the brunch shift at Boobylicious, and GCBlake takes note of A-Magda’s smoking hot ass, but only in a professional sense.  He calls her back to the table to ask her advice on a new line of women’s jeans he’s looking to re-launch to the tune of a $25 million investment.

Get the shipping slips ready.  I’m sure those jeans will be all the rage in 3rd World countries after they fail miserably in US retail outlets.

A-Magda quickly spouts off some insights into the female psyche where finding the right pair of jeans is concerned.  And even though I’m gay, I cannot relate.  However, GCB is sufficiently impressed, offering her a consulting job with his and GCBeard’s company.  A-Magda is horrified at the idea of working in such close proximity to GCBeard, but ultimately, she gives in to the sweet southern charms and devastatingly handsome smile of GCBlake.

Can’t say as I blame her.  I’d do whatever he asked me to, too.

Cut to Heather, growing all the closer to Adorkable Andrew and his internet billions.  Unfortunately, he hasn’t found the right plot of land to relocate his company from Seattle, and he might be forced to slum it over in Alabama.  Heather, unwilling to retract her claws, promises to deliver whatever he wants on a silver platter.

But you’re supposed to be my future rich husband!  You can’t leave yet!

Meanwhile, Pastor Hunk welcomes Fatty Sharon and Philandering Zach, who are still reeling from the recent rocky patch their marriage is experiencing.  Luckily, they’ve started marriage counseling at the church, because no one knows the intricacies of marriage better than a single, charmingly naïve minister.  The paradox is astounding, I know.  Sharon compliments his sermon, passive aggressively attacking Zach, calling him selfish and awful.  Zach retaliates, calling Sharon out on her abundant criticism of his role in their marriage.  Their bickering escalates until Pastor Hunk finally steps in with some emergency counseling.

If divorce wasn’t so frowned upon, I’d have dumped this overstuffed piece of baggage a long time ago.

He suggests an in-house separation where they swap roles for a week to better appreciate what they each bring to the marriage.  Zach is to take care of the house, or as he views it, ordering around their Mexi-Maid ™.  And Sharon is supposed to go out and get a job, even though she has no marketable skills.  Convinced that the exercise will work, he tells Sharon to come work at the church, and the final nail in the coffin is when he asks them to do this exercise for him.  Sharon flashes a flirty smile, which Zach clearly notices before shaking his head and pushing Sharon away.

I agree with Sharon… there’s just something about a man in uniform.

A-Magda, looking for her misplaced car keys, finds them in the pew of the empty sanctuary, and when she turns around, GCBeard is standing two feet away from her, appearing out of nowhere, much like many a monster/villain/psychopath from just about every horror movie in creation.

Insert Psycho shower scene knife slashing music here.

GCBeard is thrilled to have A-Magda come work for them, to which I call bullshit.  A-Magda is suspicious and unnerved, probably because the behavior is so very out-of-character.  Then GCBlake shows up out of nowhere, too, and the scene takes on Stepford Wives/Attack of the Body Snatchers vibe.  Cut to the weekly church bulletin cover, announcing the week’s sermon title.

More like Beware of Wolves in CHEAP clothing.

The next morning, A-Madga descends the grand staircase dressed sharply for her new job and carrying a stack of Mom Mary Jo’s old jeans.  Why does the SNL Mom Jeans skit come to mind all of a sudden?  A-Magda explains her new job with GCBlake, and Mom Mary Jo all but forsakes her wealth and worldly possessions to become a nun in gratitude to the Lord for getting her daughter out of Boobylicious.

PRAISE JESUS!

A-Magda bursts Mom Mary Jo’s bubble, saying it’s a 2^nd job, and she’s not giving up slinging Booby Baskets or wearing the shiny orange hot pants just yet.  As she’s leaving, Mom Mary Jo begs her to stay for moral support because Uncle Berl and Bitsy are expected for a menu tasting for his welcome home party.  Just then, the doorbell rings, and surprisingly, it’s Queen B from across the street with a piece offering—some Chardonnay and a heart full of “Love Thy Neighbor.”  A-Magda wonders why no one can ever remember that she’s a recovering alcoholic, but Queen B quickly corrects her.

Chardonnay isn’t a bottle of wine, silly!

Why, it’s her personal manicurist, and Queen B wants to treat her to a pedicure if A-Magda insists on wearing open-toed shoes!  Berl and Bitsy arrive, followed by Heather, and A-Magda quietly leaves for her new job.

Speaking of new jobs, Sharon arrives at church ready to get to work, but Pastor Hunk is distracted working on next week’s sermon.  Sharon sits in awe of Pastor Hunk, asking for the title.  He responds that it’s still without a title, but the subject matter is forbidden fruit.  Interesting… Sharon’s husband sampled ‘forbidden fruit’ by kissing A-Magda.  Am I detecting a little bit of chemisty between Sharon and Pastor Hunk?  Ever the eager beaver, Sharon offers up some on-the-spot word play, “Reach for forbidden fruit, find yourself in a jam.”  <Rimshot>  I have to admit giggling at that one, as does Pastor Hunk, saying that’s not bad.  Sharon starts sharpening the pastor’s pencils <insert generic penis joke here>, but Pastor Hunk only finds it distracting from the job at hand.  Sharon notices a bunch of boxes from Stockholm and Stuff, that Swedish furniture store, offering to put it together for him and promptly knocking the boxes over.  An unsettled Pastor Hunk excuses himself to leave Sharon to her labors as she immediately hurts herself.

I feel your pain, Sharon.  Stay a pampered housewife as long as you can.

Something tells me the pictorial directions won’t be enough to guide her through this particular trial.  Take a good look, folks.  This is how Job would look if he were a peroxide blonde, zaftig Dallas housewife.

Cut to the downtown offices of Caruth-Reilly, where A-Magda shows she doesn’t know the meaning of consulting, because she’s come up with a solution on her very first day in the office.  Girl, if someone is paying you as a consultant, you fill your calendar with busy work for as long as will be allowed, racking up billable hours at an obscenely large hourly rate before you present your findings and make your recommendations.  At this pace, you’ll be back to the Boobylicious lunch shift by the end of the week.  She wants to take the best parts of the old jeans and piece them together into new Frankenstein jeans for the modern woman.

Then we channel a lightning rod to bring the jeans to life so that they can troll around Dallas killing women tacky enough to actually buy them.

GCBeard starts off like she hates the idea, clarifying that A-Magda’s plan is to go back to the way things were.  DOUBLE MEANING ALERT!  Yes, that’s A-Magda’s plan for the JEANS, but not for her return to Dallas.  Surprisingly, GCBeard loves the idea before excusing herself for a workout session with Tae Kwon Ho.  A-Magda is so thrilled at the validation that she doesn’t see the red flags flying up all over the place here.  THIS IS TOO EASY!!!!!!  It’s like the first suspect in just about every police drama on TV (H50 and Castle immediately come to mind).  The first theory is almost never right!  I see danger all over this, but apparently I’m the only one.  GCBlake hoots and hollers and wants to move her ideas into production right away, ordering 10 prototype pairs made by tonight for an impromptu photo shoot he’s planning.  The challenge, according to GCBlake, will be finding the models.  A-Magda to the rescue again, as she gets on the phone with one of her Boobylicious Besties, quickly ordering up the finest ass in Dallas.

Never write a recap on an empty stomach.  Just saying.

Meanwhile, Mom Mary Jo moves forward with the tasting.  The bickering between her and Bitsy escalates in full force with Bitsy determined to stake her claim to Berl and belittle Mom Mary Jo’s efforts to celebrate her friend.  The party theme, Come As Your Favorite Texan?  DONE BEFORE.  The lavish spread of BBQ’ed meats?  Unhealthy and against Berl’s restricted diet.  Mom Mary Jo nearly goes blind from eye-rolling.

I bet she has a few ideas on where she can stick that fork.

Uncle Berl pulls Queen B aside to discuss a piece of land they share ownership in, telling her he’s thinking of unloading it.  Far from being out of earshot, Heather asks how big it is.  And wouldn’t you know it, it’s 500 acres, exactly the size that Adorkable Andrew needs to relocate his company!  Queen B pulls Uncle Berl aside to fill him on her plans for the land.  Condos for Christian Living.  Um…. That’s called a compound.  Does the word Waco mean anything to you?  Uncle Berl doesn’t really care what Queen B wants to do with it, as long as she buys him out.  Then he goes for the venison (deer) jerky, and Bitsy reaches across the table to knock it off his plate.

Queen B sees her opportunity to snoop, and “accidentally” spills BBQ sauce on her blouse and excuses herself to clean it up.

Quick, someone pass her a Tide Stain Stick.

Suddenly, she’s in the next room, rifling through papers and on the phone with Bobby Ewing as he talks her through amateur espionage.  Queen B stumbles on A-Magda’s computer, and Bobby Ewing cries BINGO just as Mom Mary Jo sneaks in and asks how she’s doing with the stain.  BUSTED!!!!

The wet-naps are in the other room.

Queen B scrambles, finding a pair of scissors and proceeding to cut the stain out of her blouse!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

The blouse was probably ruined already.

They both reach for her phone, Mom Mary Jo coming out the victor.  She’s no fool, people.  She hands the phone over and hovers over Queen B, silently intimidating her and backing her out of the room, causing Queen B to turn and flee.  BRILLIANT!!!!

Fatty Sharon gets home from her long day of shelf making to find her husband and daughter hunched over a microwave frozen pizza.  Sharon is famished because all the Church had to eat was grape juice and stale bread.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  She reaches for a slice, but Philandering Zach pushes it away, citing separate lives and all.

I think the point of the exercise was to switch roles in the marriage, which would include making dinner for the employed spouse.

Sharon asks how his day is going, hoping to turn the screws to him when he announces how equally disastrous it was for him.  However, he won’t give her the satisfaction, listing off all his accomplishments.  Cleaning out the garage, finding out Mexi-Maid’s last name (Suarez), and taking Mackenzie shopping.  Sharon tries to make her day sound successful, but Zach only continues to turn the screws, pointing out their use of paper plates eliminates his having to do dishes, and microwaving frozen pizza takes care of the pesky cooking situation.  And bonus, it tastes just as good as Sharon’s homemade pizza, which I immediately call bullshit on.  Frozen pizza tastes like cardboard and acid reflux.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few of em in my freezer right now, but it’s doesn’t even come close to the real thing.  But that doesn’t matter, because Sharon is defeated, her pride hanging on by a bare thread as she excuses herself to go fix her French manicure.

Over at Boobylicious, the photo shoot is in high gear with A-Magda leading the charge.  GCBlake supervises from the bar, as a male model approaches to compliment him on his shirt.  That’s code for hitting on him.  They converse and flirt some, as A-Magda notices from across the room.  The model writes down his number on a cocktail napkin and hands it to GCBlake, who tells A-Magda that he may have just found his new “ranch foreman.”

Something tells me a male model, while perfectly content to be a booty call, has no interest in herding cattle, bailing hay or plowing actual fields.

A-Magda quickly and firmly tells him that he’s one of her only friends in Dallas, and he doesn’t have to explain anything to her.  She doesn’t judge, unlike every other member of their Christian community.  He looks at her as realization flashes across his face.  A-Magda suspects his secret, but more than that, maybe he can trust his secret with her.

If you’d just take a step back and look at yourself objectively, you’d realize just how much your behavior sets off people’s gaydar.

It’s an expression I know well, and dammit if GCBlake didn’t deliver it perfection.  He’s become my favorite character, by far.

Later that night, GCBlake and GCBeard wind down for bed.  GCBlake reviews photos from the shoot as his wife expresses some not so subtle jealousy over her husband dancing with the bevy of Boobylicious Beauties.  GCBlake reminds her that she has nothing to worry about it, and jealousy shifts towards A-Magda.  To make matters worse, he suggests taking A-Magda under their wings and pull her into their circle.  #1.  I highly doubt A-Magda would be ok with that, as GCBeard clearly isn’t.  #2.  My heart breaks for GCBlake a little here. He sees an opportunity to have someone else to confide in, and he clearly has an awful lot to get off his chest.  As all gay men know when they’re still hiding in the closet, the secrets become burdens that grow more and more dense and unwieldy as time passes.  As the two of them continue to talk, GCBeard lays out her viewpoint.

What do you think this is?  Three’s Company?

She doesn’t trust anyone else with their secret, least of all A-Magda.  She does, however, concede the point that hiring A-Magda was a good idea, as long as she keeps her distance.  AH HA!  GCBeard is marking her Fag Hag Territory!!!! LrhFlute…. Care to weigh in here?

Meanwhile, Mom Mary Jo and Uncle Berl share a nightcap and some male/female friendship bonding of their own.  Uncle Berl tries to explain his wife’s bitchy behavior, and it does beg the question. Where is she? No matter.  Uncle Berl reveals some of the truth behind their return to Texas… health problems and to see his best friend.

This would be an appropriate time for someone to walk in with a meat lovers pizza and a DVD of Terms of Endearment.

Mom Mary Jo ever so slightly shows some emotion, to which Uncle Berl asks her to hold it together.  She swallows the tears, taking on role of Scarlet O’Hara.  Picture her silhouette against a pink morning sky, radish in fist raised to the sky as she says she’s been through too much to cry now—her husband’s death, family trauma (A-Magda’s recent humiliation no doubt), and democratic administrations.  HAHAHA!!!!  I was wondering when they’d go there!  Uncle Berl uses the strong sentiment in his favor to ask Mom Mary Jo to be the finer Christian woman and bury the hatchet with Bitsy.  What’s this “finer Christian woman” bullshit? All we’ve seen so far in this show (and from about 94% of my own personal experience with Christians) are Christian women passing judgment, abusing each other with passive aggression, and cutting each other down.  For Uncle Berl’s sake, seeing as how he’s dying and all, Mom Mary Jo agrees to do it.

Across the street, Bobby Ewing and Queen B fret over all the possible secrets A-Magda’s computer could be telling them right now, had Queen B succeeded in snatching it.  Queen B audibly wonders what her password could be… ATHIEST?  LIBERAL!  OBAMA!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  I immediately think about the Wizard of Oz and Dorothy singing, “Lions, and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!”  Landry rolls his eyes during this conversation, grabbing the laptop and heading out of the room, until the leash tying the computer to the desk pulls him back.

Guess that Chat Roulette session will just have to wait!

He whines about having to do his schoolwork in front of his parents, but Queen B had no choice after she caught him buying those “subversive books.”  I’m thinking Penthouse Forum… Madonna’s Truth or Dare… It Takes A Village?  NOPE!  Landry was caught buying Harry Potter!  LOVE THIS!!!  Then, Kristin Chenoweth spouts the best line I’ve heard on this show so far:  “Only one man does magic, and he’s from Jerusalem, not Hogwarts!”  Excuse me while I bust a gut laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath…

Ok, I’m better now.  With Landry out of the room, Bobby Ewing compels Queen B to go back over there and grab A-Magda’s laptop.  Queen B was fine with putting her pride aside and befriending A-Magda, but she points to #8 on the actual commandment list, pointing out that they don’t steal.  True… that moniker is currently reserved for Dead Husband Bill.  Like any good politician, Bobby Ewing twists the truth, calling the action “borrowing,” and all in the name of justice.  He points out all of the victims who lost everything in that ponzi scheme, conveniently leaving out their own rich asses in this ridiculous crusade to recover money they clearly don’t need.  It works, though, and at the suggestion of having to sell their plane, Queen B relents.

Screw good Christian morals!  I can’t live without my private jet!

Night turns into day, and some country song starts playing.  Can anyone identify it for me?  The lyric starts, “It takes balls to be a woman…”  I’m sure I could google it, but I’m lazy and woefully behind scheduling in writing this, so I’ll leave that up to my loyal congregation.  The song fittingly plays over a hilarious montage of Fatty Sharon committing herself and finally conquering the task of building the shelf.

The only tool you’ll ever need.  The Swedes could have built the Eiffel Tower using that and maybe some duct tape.

Success isn’t just a rice anymore!

YAY SHARON!!!!  It’s truly amazing, and I don’t say that as a joke!  I’ve tried to put Stockholm and Stuff furniture together, and have been humbled on more than one occasion.

A-Magda shows up for Day #2 at Caruth-Reilly amidst a shitstorm suddenly brewing around the Westward Ho re-launch in the form of religious righteous indignation as some of the photos were leaked to a religious website.  A-Magda can’t believe that anyone could misinterpret the “ho” part of the brand’s name.  So far, the interpretations include:  Hooker, harlot, trollop, wench, tart, and floozy.  GCBeard jumps in with the piece de resistance:  WHORE! Considering this was an already established brand from the 70’s (apparently), there really shouldn’t be any outrage at all.  Then again… you give a zealot a double entendre like this and the vast reach of the interwebs, and they’ll rant and rave forever.  It’s like feeding a two year old pure sugar, Red Bull and Mountain Dew.  Don’t believe me?  Go over to TLC and watch a few episodes of Toddlers and Tiaras (Spring season premiering soon!).  That shit really happens!  The flashpoint of all this outrage is, of course, the exact picture of A-Magda’s ass proudly displaying the Westward Ho logo on the pocket.  Scarlet O’Hara pops up yet again, as A-Magda exclaims, “As God as my witness, I will never wear pants to church again!”  Like mother, like daughter!  The culprit of “Booty-gate” is one LordLover87.  Their lawyer/PR flunky/idiot suggests issuing a public apology and scraping the project, to the tune of a $25 million loss.  A-Magda apologizes, taking all the blame for her idea, her ass, and all of the ensuing fallout.  GCBeard continues to brand herself the southern Leona Helmsley, saying they stick together at Caruth, and they will NOT issue a public apology!  My sentiments exactly! Fuck the bloggers!  ….. oh wait…..  ooops!  Moving on.

After GCBeard takes her leave, A-Magda expresses shock that GCBeard didn’t just throw her to the wolves, or sharks, considering there’s an awesome set of sharks teeth mounted on the wall behind GCBeard’s desk.

Ya know, because she’s like a shark.  Get it?

GCBlake has faith that his wife will take care of things, and they’ll survive this setback.  A-Magda, however, won’t let it go, and she gets on the phone to presumably call up the only techno-geek she knows, Adorkable Andrew, to ferret out LordLover87.  A suitably impressed GCBlake gives A-Magda a huge hug, and from outside, GCBeard looks on with a worried, sad look on her face.

To a fag hag, this qualifies as cheating.

Later on, Uncle Berl, Bitsy, Heather and Queen B gather at Mom Mary Jo’s house to try on costumes for the welcome home theme party.  Bitsy emerges as Barbara Bush, and Heather is just two gold hoops shy of Selena!  Bitsy announces that her costume needs one more accessory, a sidekick if you will.  Mom Mary Jo gets a worried look on her face when Bitsy asks her to be her Laura Bush, and Uncle Berl urges Mom Mary Jo to roll with, pointing out that two bushes are better than one. HAHAHAHA!!!!

I really hope he’s not hinting at them having a threesome.

The jokes are flying fast and furious now that the writers are settling into the spirit of these characters!  In the spirit of being the finer Christian woman and burying the hatchet and all, Mom Mary Jo concedes, saying she can probably dig up a pair of flats.  From outside a car horn honks, and Queen B squeals with delight as part of her costume has just arrived.  She grabs Mom Mary Jo to go outside with her to help her feed it!

The room suddenly empty, Heather swoops in for the kill, like the crown eagle going after the water chevrotain.  She gives Uncle Berl some advice for his costume, and then asks about the 500 acre property he’s looking to offload.  Unfortunately, Uncle Berl promised that sale to Queen B, and family comes first… that is until Heather points out her Condos for Christian Living idea will violate the Fair Housing Act of 1968.  Meanwhile, she’s got an internet billionaire waiting in the wings to double his best offer and pay for the property in cash.  Heather pulls out her business card and gives it to Uncle Berl, visions of her big fat commission dancing in her head.

Here’s my card.  Heather Cruz, Opportunist

Outside, Mom Mary Jo fills a bucket of water for the pony Queen B had delivered for her Dale Evans costume.  I could crack a joke here, but I have no clue who Dale Evans is, and my research department (the aforementioned LrhFlute) is busy with a huge annual work event this coming weekend to help.  Educate me in the comments, loyal readers.  Queen B asks if A-Magda and the kids are home so that she can show them the pony, but Mom Mary Jo says that it’s just them, making her suspicions known.  Queen B diffuses the situation and deflects attention away from herself by telling Mom Mary Jo that she’s glad she’s throwing this party for Uncle Berl and she can see how much it means to him.  Low blow, but it gets the job done as Queen B skips back inside while Mom Mary Jo lets her emotions get the better of her, collapsing on the patio and starting to cry.

Uncle Berl comes outside to comfort her, offering his costume kerchief.  Uncle Berl puts his arm around Mom Mary Jo as she sobs at the thought of her best friend dying, but Uncle Berl promises not to go anywhere yet.

This won’t end well.  Mom Mary Jo would have been better off smacking a hornet’s nest with a stick.

And just as he kisses Mom Mary Jo on the side of her head, Bitsy steps out on the patio and silently spies the scene playing out.  This won’t bode well for Mom Mary Jo or her party.  I’m sensing maybe a huge fight scene, complete with Barbara and Laura Bush wrestling each other in a fountain, a la Dynasty?

Queen B, successful is swiping A-Magda’s computer, sneaks down the staircase, but not before she can stash it.

She either needs a longer skirt or a bigger vagina.

As Bitsy fakes a migraine, Uncle Berl makes apologies for having to leave.  Queen B’s only option—heaving it up her skirt and clenching her thighs to hang onto it as she awkwardly makes her own excuses for leaving and hopping out the door like she accidentally dropped a load in her panties.  HAHAHAHA!!!!

The Lord works in mysterious ways, however.  Queen B makes it home with A-Magda’s laptop to find Landry in the living room with the family’s chained up laptop “typing fast” and with headphones in so that he can’t hear his mother entering.  As she approaches, she sees what’s really going on, and do I really need to explain it?

Only one thing is going on here…

…that your mother should never, EVER see!

Most boys out there have their own version of this story, myself included… getting caught masturbating by their mothers.  It’s traumatic, and I prefer not to relive that painful memory for your reading pleasure.  Let’s just say, I wasn’t using a photo of a fully clad woman’s backside to help speed the process along at the time.  Seriously, with all the free porn available on the internet, maybe Landry is harboring a budding denim fetish?  Only time will tell.

Back at the office, GCBeard rushes in, telling A-Magda that Daddybo’s calling.  Thank you, closed captioning!  Apparently, that can only mean trouble.  In GCBeard’s office, we see her on the phone, presumably getting reprimanded by her father about the mess this whole debacle has created.  It’s actually quite awful, and my heart goes out to Cricket, who has to hear that a son would never have allowed this to happen.  And you know she’s probably heard a few hundred iterations of that sentiment over the course of her lifetime, which helps explain her personality.

Imagine how disappointed Daddy is gonna be when he finds out you married a gay homosexual.

She hangs up and explains the reason for the harsh conversation.  ArmadilloMart is pulling its orders.  ALL of them.  That seems drastic, but that’s probably what WalMart would do, too.  A-Magda is horrified, and GCBlake asks for some time alone to comfort his wife.

Bobby Ewing asks where Queen B has been, and she informs him that she took A-Magda’s computer back.  Bobby Ewing is furious, seeing as how he hadn’t been able to download the hard drive, lamenting all the secrets he won’t be privy to now.  But Queen B views the situation as divine retribution—God striking her down with the sight of her son “greasing his gun.”  HAHAHA!!!  Given how often teenage boys grease their guns, it’s only a matter of time before it was gonna happen anyway.  But interpret it as a punishment from God, if that makes you sleep better at night.

An eye (on your neighbor’s personal computer files) for an eye(full of your son’s personal sexual gratification)

She announces that she’s done with snooping on A-Magda, to which Bobby Ewing stands up, using his considerable height to accentuate his words, pointing out that he is her husband.  Queen B promptly stands up on the coffee table, barely gaining the size advantage over him, even with very high heels on, to boot!  She points out that one man’s order come before her husband’s.  Then she jumps down and starts praying, effectively shushing Bobby Ewing as he storms out of the room, bible in tow.

Back at the office, A-Magda is sitting at her desk, pondering all the trouble those innocent pictures have caused when divine inspiration strikes.  She grabs a silver sharpie and scrawls something on one of the pictures before going back into GCBeard’s office with her solution.  Change the brand name to Westward Hosannah!

Because plastering God’s name on your ass makes the whole thing acceptable.

She quotes the Bible yet again, “Hosannah, blessed is He Who comes in the name of the Lord!”  NICE!!!  Turn that shit back around on the religious nut-jobs, bringing them back into the fold and bilking them for millions of dollars in jean sales.  HAHAHA!!!  GCBlake hollers like the cowboy he is, pulling A-Magda down on his lap in celebration as she’s effectively neutralized the situation and solved the problem.

Fatty Sharon, fresh off her shelf building victory, is ready for the costume party, dressed up like Anna Nicole Smith, much to the delight of her husband.

Another buxom beauty with weight issues

The flour strewn about all over the place betrays his sudden difficulty with managing the household duties.  He explains that the frozen pizza was giving Makenzie zits, and now he’s failing at preparing her dinner. Suddenly, he realizes the difficulty in “woman’s work” and compliments his wife.  He apologizes for his harsh comments, saying that he loves her and that he underestimated her.

House-husband fail

Then he asks her to make her culinary masterpieces for him tomorrow, after this stupid exercise is over.  Fatty Sharon’s face drops as she realizes what’s really going on, asking Zach what he thinks he was supposed to learn from the exercise.  His response—to say thank you for everything she does for him and their family.  She barely hides her disappointment, which I don’t really understand.  Wasn’t that the point of the exercise?  To get him to appreciate what she contributes to the marriage?  I guess his realization is somewhat superficial, but he does say how good it is to get back to normal.  That would, indeed, be bad.  Zach heads out to get ready for the party, and Sharon says she’ll clean up his mess and meet him at the party.

Time for the theme party to begin.  Come As Your Favorite Texan.  Hmmmm who would you go as?  I wonder if fictional characters count, because I’d go as Couch Taylor, AKA EMMY WINNER Kyle Chandler!  GCBlake and GCBeard show up as Bonnie and Clyde… didn’t know they were from Texas.

Be careful with those pistols. It’s Texas… they’re probably not props.

Uncle Berl is Hank Williams?  I have no clue who Adorkable Andrew is supposed to be… Indiana Jones?  Heather/Selena pulls him aside and asks if he’s gonna be putting down roots in Dallas, to which he responds by giving her a pair of diamond earrings.  CHA CHING!

Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a golddigger….

If I didn’t like Heather so much, I’d go that route with her.  A-Magda shows up as Farrah Fawcett, and talk about uncanny, and hilarious resemblance!

Now that’s an image many a teenage boy greased their gun too back in the day.

Adorkable Andrew has a gift for A-Magda, too–the phone number of LordLover87, who posted the leaked photos from an unlisted cell.  A-Magda thanks him and excuses herself to call the phone number.  We hear the ringing from A-Magda’s phone, and a simultaneous ringing at the party.  And who does LordLover87 turn out to be?  None other than Cricket Caruth-Reilly herself.  DUN DUN DUN!  Shock of all shocks!

If you’re going to sabotage your own company’s $25 million project, you might wanna go to greater lengths to keep it from getting traced back to you.

I can’t say as I’m completely surprised, as how many people had access to the photos within hours after the shoot in order to leak them.  It does make me sad, though.  I wanna like GCBeard, if for no other reason than her relationship with GCBlake.  Some hags will go to great lengths to protect their gaybies, I guess.

Back from commercial, Queen B prays to Jesus in her pink cowgirl Dale Evans costume, asking for a way to obtain the information they need regarding Dead Husband Bill in a way that doesn’t lead to catching her teenage son jerking off as divine retribution.

Dear God, The next time you want to punish me for my sins, can you strike me down with boils or explosive diarrhea instead?

A-Magda interrupts the prayer, and Queen B explains that the Cockburns are in crisis.  She invites A-Magda to sit with her for an awkward little heart-to-heart about teenage sons and masturbation.  Queen B shows A-Magda the titillating photo in question, and A-Magda is shocked to discover that it’s of her!  Queen B asks if A-Magda has had trouble like this with her own son, but then remembers that they lived in California, the land of self-gratification.

It’s a good thing the children weren’t invited to this particular party.  Landry might have spontaneously combusted.

A-Magda rhetorically asks if Queen B has ever been to CA, but Queen B calls it the last stop to the Apocalypse, saying no thanks.  HAHAHAHA!!!  California is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah, after all.  A-Magda responds that she would have just turned her horny son over to his father, but that’s not an option anymore.  Queen B genuinely sympathizes, and A-Magda shares that the first thing she thought about when ID’ing her husband’s body was that her son didn’t have a daddy anymore.  And in this moment of genuine vulnerability, Queen B sees her opportunity, and probes for more information, discovering that Dead Bill was indeed dead, open casket and all.  When A-Magda gets suspicious and weirded out by the question, the conversation ends.

Over at the bar, Mom Mary Jo orders some liquid sustenance to get herself though when Bitsy/Barbara Bush approaches to warn her about the success of their costumes.  Apparently, she’s being confused for a librarian, failing to see the irony there.

Looks like being the finer Christian woman is a horrendous burden.

Mom Mary Jo soldiers on, asking if they should start the toasts.  Bitsy asks to speak before Uncle Berl does because she’s got a big announcement—the two of them are going back out on the yacht for good.  Mom Mary Jo asks why they’d do that, given Uncle Berl’s health, and would she have him die away from his home?  Bitsy’s ever so bitchy response is she’s rather him die away from HER, confronting Mom Mary Jo about the looks between them and the stolen porch kisses.  OH COME ON!  He kissed the side of her forehead, for pete’s sake!  In a world where teenage boys masturbate to the Sear’s catalog, maybe that could be considered less than innocent.  Apparently Bitsy thinks Mom Mary Jo was #1 on Uncle Berl’s Bucket List.  First of all, old people sex is just gross.  Second of all, THEY’RE BEST FRIENDS!  In the great state of Texas and the overinflated chauvinistic egos of the men there, you’d think Uncle Berl would have put the kybosh on the subject of heading back out to sea. Meanwhile, Mom Mary Jo tries to hold it together while Bitsy hisses that the Welcome Home has become a Bon Voyage!

Bobby Ewing gives Queen B a flower and apologizes for setting them down the wrong path.  Queen B forgives him, and then shares the information she learned from A-Magda—Dead Bill is certifiably dead.  Queen B suggests they put this whole dirty business behind them and forget about the small fortune they lost.  Interesting, isn’t that what I suggested a few thousand words ago?  Bobby Ewing’s response to get frisky, signal surrender, I guess, and putting an end to the erectile dysfunction rumors going around.

Uncle Berl approaches to have a little chat with Queen B, sharing the news that he found a buyer for the land willing to pay double its value.  Queen B asks what will come of her cult compound idea?  Uncle Berl put his lawyers on the case, and they came up with 17 federal laws her project would be breaking.  However, he suggests they might be able to bring that particular dream to fruition down in Mexico.  Lord knows they love their Jesus down there in Mexico.  Barely able to hide her disappointment, Queen B thanks him, and he get up to go enjoy the party.

Lighten up, Queen B.  You might have just saved the world from the next David Koresh.

It takes Queen B about three seconds to spot Heather, and new diamond earrings, to realize what’s going on.  She spits her wine back into the glass before making a B line (LOL, I crack myself up) for Heather and Adorkable Andrew.  She congratulates them on the land purchase, and Heather on the fat commission she must have raked in for it.  Heather corrects her, saying she earned a big commission, and I wonder if she means the broker’s standard 5% or if she’s referring to the big penis wallet of the man who bought the land.  Queen B compliments the earrings, asking if she “earned” those, too.  OUCH!  She might as well have pointed at Heather and called her a Westward HOE at the top of her lungs.  Heather delivers a backhanded compliment, saying she loves her Dale Evans costume, and the horse she rode in on.  Queen B retorts with what can be construed as a threat, saying she loves the Selena costume and asking, she got shot, right?  LOL!!!!  Queen B strides off, and Andrew comments that she seems nice.  HAHAHAHA!!!!  I’ve seen this particular scene about 4 times now, and still can’t figure out if he’s hip to Queen B’s personality, or if he genuinely thinks that the conversation that took place in front of him was actually pleasant and jovial.

From down the grand staircase, Mom Mary Jo reemerges dressed in a flamboyant ball gown, her beehive hairdo back in place.  That hatchet—never buried.  In fact, it’s probably stashed somewhere convenient should Bitsy show up.

Being a diva is much more fun!

A-Magda notices and Mom Mary Jo is now at the party as her true favorite Texan… herself!  She takes a seat on the arm of the chair, and A-Magda begins to confide in her in very hushed tones about GCBeard’s corporate betrayal.  She lays out the great lengths GCBeard went to in order to keep her from working with GCBlake.  A-Magda is baffled, but Mom Mary Jo isn’t really surprised.  Jealous women do crazy things, and to emphasize her point, Bitsy walks by and the two exchange phony smiles.  A-Magda doesn’t buy jealousy as an explanation, resorting to gossip and telling Mom Mary Jo that GCBlake is swishy <wink, wink>.

You saw who doing what to whom?!?!?!?  SHUT UP!

Mom Mary Jo always wondered, but now she’s got confirmation.  A-Magda, bless her heart, still doesn’t get why GCBeard would be threatened by her, and Mom Mary Jo has to spell it out for her.  But really, if you think about it, it makes perfect sense.  You’re a woman in an arrangement with a gay man to put on the front of a marriage.  They work together and raise a child together, and GCBeard defined their relationship earlier as BFF status.  Any married woman would be jealous of other women having SEX with their husbands.  GCB is jealous of A-Magda stealing GCBlake’s FRIENDSHIP.

The camera pans back to Bitsy/Barbara Bush chowing down on a beef rib while A-Magda asks what’s going on with that situation.  Mom Mary Jo tried playing nice until Bitsy’s own jealousy reared its ugly, white wig clad head.

Their God is a vengeful God.

While Bitsy starts choking on the rib, Mom Mary Jo commiserates with A-Magda, torn between their friends and those friends’ jealous wives.  She says sometimes, all you can do is say a prayer and step away.  A-Magda comments on the evilness of Bitsy while she very visibly continues choking in the background as the party goes on around her, no one noticing to offer help.  As Mom Mary Jo says that there’s a special place for a woman like that, Bitsy finally collapses behind the buffet table.  Now that… BRILLIANT!!!  Also, poor Donna Mills.  Guess your guest spot was destined to be just one episode.

Fatty Sharon finally arrives at the party, much to the relief of Philandering Zach, whose J. Marshall Howard costume pretty much falls flat without Anna Nicole Smith. But Sharon changed costumes.  She had a different idea, and like Mom Mary Jo, she’s being her true favorite Texan… Mary Kay.  Zach is annoyed at the change and confused the “strong, independent Texas woman” with a porn star.

I’m sure there’s a porn out there that starts like this.

Zach senses a point to Sharon’s costume change, but he can’t put his finger in it.  So Sharon spells it out for him—she’s underestimated herself and her abilities, and she’s realized that there’s more than a bookshelf that she wants to conquer.  Again, Zach doesn’t know what that means, so Sharon dumbs it down further, telling him to get his ass up and get his own drink!  Furthermore, she’s keeping her job at the church.  Just then, Sharon bumps into Pastor Hunk, dressed like Davy Crocket in the suede fringe shirt and coonskin cap, who immediately notices the costume.  Damn, he’s HOT!!!  She drinks in his attention, and a crush/budding romance is born?  Please, I hope that’s the case!

Here’s hoping their religious denomination is one that allows ministers to marry.

A-Magda finds GCBlake and GCBeard at the buffet table, and they toast the success that will be Westward HOE-sannah.  A-Magda thanks them both for the opportunity, but quits her consulting job after less than a week, saying it’s not her “calling” and she doesn’t want to get in the way of their symbiotic “working” relationship.  GCBeard comforts a disappointment GCBlake, imploring him to look on the bright side… they still get to work together.

Hags are like Highlander… there can be only one.

Could it be that that’s not enough for GCBlake anymore?  Only time will tell.  They decide to attack the buffet table when, finally, someone notices a passed out and probably asphyxiated Bitsy sprawled out on the floor, BBQ rib still in hand.  Oh, dear, indeed!

Born from a rib, died from a rib.  It’s the circle of life.

And there you have it!  I don’t know about all of you, but I really feel like GCB has hit its stride.  The comedic rhythm was so on point in this episode, and the dramatic tension is starting to take hold.  Quite a few long term story arcs are being set up.  Hopefully, they’re handled less hastily than the search for Dead Bill’s hidden money and possible South American hideaway.  Do you think Sharon is going to pursue extramarital relations with Pastor Hunk?  Do you think GCBlake replace besties?  Will Mom Mary Jo nurse Uncle Berl back to health now that Bitsy is 6 feet under?  Share your thoughts in the comments.  Have a great week, Gasmii!