GCB Recap: Christian Singles

Greetings, Gasmii!  Last week, most of the focus continued to shine on the holier-than-thou turf war building between Queen B (Carlene) and Amanda.  Queen B lashes out at Amanda by singing “Jesus Take the Wheel” to her in church, re-brands the image of Boobylicious at the expense of their employees’ livelihoods, and strands Amanda at a pulled pork restaurant 80 miles outside of town.  Fatty Sharon continues to fret over the state of her marriage as her husband continues to fawn over Amanda.  Cricket focuses on her daughter’s first pep rally as head cheerleader while her husband, Blake (GCB) struggles with juggling loyalties to his straight family and his gay lover.  The Adult Mean Girls (AMG’s) combine efforts to ruin Gigi’s (Mom Mary Jo) luncheon to introduce Amanda back into society.  However, all their machinations fall flat, as Amanda rises up, like a phoenix from the ashes, to reclaim the Boobylicious hot pants, and Mom Mary Jo brings the luncheon to Boobylicious.  And all the while, Amanda’s daughter, Laura, managed to avoid public humiliation of her own at the hands of Cricket and Sharon’s daughters.

Before we get started with this week’s episode, I would like to express disappointment in my little congregation here.  I asked for help with finding nicknames for a bunch of characters, and no one came through for me.  I’m going to try some out here.  If you like any of them, let me know.

We begin our installment with a little erectile dysfunction, courtesy of none other than Rip Cockburn (Bobby Ewing).  Despite his claim to the contrary last week and Queen B’s best efforts, he’s unable to get his tent pole erected.

Might be time for the little blue pill.

His manhood and virility suddenly in question, Queen B tries to comfort him, but does so by trying to get him in the mood again.  Bobby Ewing storms out, saying he’s gotta go blow off some steam.  In most cases, that’s a euphemism for masturbation, but in this case, it means archery.  He takes a crossbow and his cell phone out back.  We only get his side of the conversation, but we learn that he’s secretly looking into Amanda and her dead husband’s financial records.  AH HA!  No doubt to keep his involvement in the ponzi scheme a secret!  Whoever he’s talking to apparently has no information, and Bobby Ewing is getting impatient.  He hangs up and proceeds to shoot an arrow directly into Amanda’s dead husband’s face, taped up to the target.

Whatever helps you blow off some steam…

Meanwhile, across the street, Amanda Magdalene (?) arrives home with a pizza and Terms of Endearment on Red Box for family movie night.  Interesting choice for family movie night… isn’t that about a woman dying of cancer whose husband cheats on her?  Mixed metaphors much?  One thing does parallel her life, though.  Both Amanda Magdalene and Debra Winger had crazy red-headed mothers.  Speaking of, Mom Mary Jo is standing there, waiting for her daughter to come home to announce the cancellation of family movie night.  The kids are out socializing with peers, which is what Mom Mary Jo claims is what Amanda Magdalene needs to be doing… in this case, going to the opera with two young, handsome, tuxedo clad gentlemen rustled up by Mom Mary Jo as potential, and suitable, suitors for her daughter, both of whom are age appropriate and in oil.

If there’s still an extra ticket, I’ll be their date to the opera.  Although I won’t look as good in the Valentino dress.

Amanda Magdalene mentions that she’s only been a widow for less than a year, and it’s not appropriate for her to start dating while still in mourning.  Last time I checked, the Boobylicious uniform doesn’t qualify as mourning attire… nor has it been altered to at least include a black band or in memoriam patch like athletes have when someone sports related dies.  I agree with Mom Mary Jo that Dead Bill’s adultery serves as her Get Out of Jail Free card.  However, Amanda isn’t going to the opera, or anywhere, with these two fine young millionaires, and she shoos them out the door.

While Bobby E

wing is shooting arrows out back instead of baby batter into her, Queen B hops on the phone for some friendly advice from Cricket.  Queen B spins a tale about his woman “who subscribes to her Bible blog” with a “problem.”  HAHAHA!!!  This woman’s husband hasn’t been able to rise to the occasion lately to do his husbandly duties. Queen B caresses, then smacks a marble obelisk in her bedroom.

Nothing like a stone phallus to help drive the point home.

Cricket, pumping back and forth on her exercise equipment, the new personal trainer hovering in the background, is confused as to why Queen B thought to ask her, since Bobby Ewing “knocks the nickels out of her” ever 5 minutes.  HAHAHAHA!!!  Queen B covers, saying exactly because of that, she has no experience to draw from. She asks if Cricket has ever encountered a flaccid penis before, to which Cricket responds in the negative.  Her advice:  google holy spirit and horny and hit up the Christian book store.  LOL!!!  That google search is only gonna bring up a collection of religious themed porn sites, and the best the Bible book store will do is to teach her all the different way to do the missionary position.  Then Cricket hangs up to get back to her workout with her trainer.

The trainer asks if she feels her hips getting stronger, to which Cricket (Horny Hag?) responds by wrapping her legs around the dude and pulling him closer to her.

Someone’s in need of a good workout.

She gives him a seductive smile, but the trainer announces some impotency of his own.  He’s gotten engaged!  LOL!!!!  Horny Hag asks how this will affect their “workout schedule.”

Now that I’m engaged, fucking you would be wrong!  But thanks for the job!

The trainer then quits, deciding to relocate to Waco with his bride-to-be, Kiki, who’s gotten a job managing a fitness center there.  Horny Hag sends him away to fetch an agave smoothie, and as soon as he’s safely out of earshot, she calls up her business manager to buy up Waco Workouts and tear them down.

Over at church, the AMG’s gather for some gossip.  Horny Hag has given up Pilates to go back to Tae Kwon Do and her big, strong Asian sensei who used to put her through the ringer.  I’m sorry, but the “big” and “asian” is oxymoronic… stereotypes exist for a reason.

Some Asians are hung, and not just the William kind.  It’s true!

Deflecting attention away from her own indiscretions, Horny Hag asks Queen B how she’s chosen to advise her blogger with the husband who can’t get his flag to fly, adding enough inflection to let us know that she sees straight through the tissue paper thin ruse Queen B has made up to disguise her own sexual conundrum.  Queen B thanks Horny Hag for her suggestion because she found some great material at the Bible book store.  Fatty Sharon mentions that Philandering Zack once bought her a book on spicy scripture, thinking it was a cookbook!  HAHAHA!!!  Another topic change, as Horny Hag asks if Fatty Sharon has confronted him about his kiss with Amanda Magdalene.  Fatty Sharon acts unconcerned, convincing herself that it will all blow over.

Just call me a ostrich… can’t you see my head buried in the sand?

Horny Hag brings down the hammer, telling her that the only blowing will be courtesy of Amanda if she doesn’t do something about it.  Nothing like a blowjob reference on the doorstep of God’s house.

The reverend finally emerges for the weekly revelation of the upcoming sermon topic.  He thanks them for their help on the landscaping committee….  Fatty Sharon’s idea of help is volunteering their Mexican landscapers, Juan Feliciano and Jorge.

Does it qualify as volunteering if the help is still getting paid?

Wasn’t Jorge Horny Hag’s first pilates instructor who quit via Herpes-gate?  The reverend is also counting on their assistance with his relationship fellowship that week, calling their marriages his congregation’s best foot forward.  Cue fake smile on Fatty Sharon’s face, whose husband is currently breaking Commandment #9: Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife.  As soon as the Reverend takes leave, Fatty Sharon breaks down, calling out her own marriage of deception and deceit.  She frets over the sermon title, “Love is Patient,” freaking out over the blond viper slithering into her matrimonial garden.  Mixed Metaphor Alert!  Snakes slithering into gardens is supposed to represent penises slithering into vaginas.  Except her husband is the garden here, and Amanda is the snake.  Maybe someone should suggest Fatty Sharon invest in a strap-on?  Or maybe Fatty Sharon should have a little affair of her own with Pastor Hunk.  Damn that man is too delicious to be a man of the cloth… unless the cloth in question is a loin cloth.

I might have to start going to church if it means spending an hour looking at him!

Queen B tries to calm her down with a bible quote meant to give her the courage to stand up to serpents.  Horny Hag agrees, saying there’ll be enough time for patience after she’s wreaked her vengeance.  She tries to quote the Bible, but comes up with nothing specific, instead saying that the Bible is just full of that kind of whoop-ass.  LOL!!!!  It really is, what with all the smiting and striking down and stoning and crucifying and such.  Embolded, Fatty Sharon says it’s time she stomps on a snake!

Cut to Amanda working at Boobylicious!  HAHAHAHA!!!!  It may be heavy handed, but I do enjoy clever editing like this!  She’s got a Black Bottom Booby Bundt cake for Heather.  I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut on that one, Gasmii.  Heather checks it off her list, which appears to be a seduction plan for a dorky-chic internet billionaire they used to go to high school with who’s now recently divorced and moving back to Dallas.

How to seduce a dorky Billionaire

Heather is sweet on him, and no doubt his bank account.  Amanda Magdalene unselfishly asks her to refrain from getting a boyfriend and abandoning her.  She needs a friend to start building a social life with, and her mother is under the impression that the opera is where it’s at.

At that moment, the AMG’s barge into Boobylicious.  Flanked by Queen B and Horny Hag, Fatty Sharon starts her crusade to crush the blond viper. She steps up to Amanda Magdalene and pulls a Boobs McGee (a la Rachel of Big Brother infamy and most recently, the Amazing Race), and goes all,

“No one comes between me and my MAN!”

Amanda Magdalene tries to straighten her out, correctly pointing the finger at Philandering Zach as the one with motive to cheat.  Fatty calls A-Magda a harlot, tempting men with her wanton ways, slinging wings and showing cleavage, then she lists other whores in the Bible famous for tempting men.  Fatty Sharon is hip to her game, and she will NOT be taken down by a fallen woman!  Too bad she’s standing by the fire pole, because a Booby waitress slides down it at that moment, and literally takes her down with a Booby Basket.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Death by Booby Basket

Back from commercial, Heather is showing Adorkable Andrew the Saddle Horn Estate.  Tom Everett Scott, far from dorky, plays the part with Aw-Shucks charm… and the glasses help, too.  He marvels at the lengths to which Heather has gone to woo him… in business, of course.

That cake might be a bit more appetizing if it weren’t surrounded by the wafting aroma of horse dung.

They sit down to share some wine and cake, and he asks her if it was effortless for her to transform herself into the woman she’s become.  Heather lets her hair down a little, and Andrew tosses the cork, unable to believe he owns a car, let alone a private jet, considering what a total dork he used to be.  Cue pratfalls, courtesy of Heather.  She reaches under the table to pick up the fallen cork, only to hit her head on the table coming back up.

Dorky pratfalls… how original

Andrew helps her, only to be smacked in the face by her head, knocking a crown loose in the process.  Heather is horrified as her seduction plan quickly falls apart.  Andrew excuses himself, suddenly needing to go to the dentist, and Heather is left behind to wallow in her own spazzy failure.

It was great seeing you again!  Let’s catch up again at our 50th HS Reunion!

Over at Cricket’s, she bows to the aforementioned Tae Kwon Do instructor before grabbing his leg and hitting him in the chest, effectively taking him down in one move.

Finally, Horny Hag can get her groove on!

Tae Kwon Man Hoe smiles excitedly, telling her he’s missed her “kick,” and Horny Hag giggles before lowering herself on top of him for some Moo Shu Pork.

Meanwhile, Amanda gets home from work to find a manila envelope addressed to her from the US Marshalls, the contents of which are cleared for release.  Meanwhile, Mom Mary Jo emerges with Pastor Hunk in tow, who clarifies that he’s there for used clothes donations, not to hit on her.  Amanda takes note of the fur she’s parting ways with, to which Mom Mary Jo observes that it gets chilly underneath those overpasses.  HAHAHA!!!  Pastor Hunk, responding to Mom Mary Jo’s mention of A-Magda being an Old Maid, invites her to join the church singles group.

Church Singles aren’t creepy, I promise!

A-Magda politely declines, barely able to hide the horror in her face, but Pastor pushes on, assuring her that the group is far from the cantina scene from Star Wars.  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Not quite the image I conjured up, but fitting!  A-Magda explains that she’s not ready for a relationship, to which Mom Mary Jo immediately contradicts.  A-Magda quickly clarifies that she meant social… not single.  Pastor Hunk pushes for the hard sell, calling the group social, casual and fun.  He’s hosting an event aimed at making unattached people feel spiritually and emotionally whole.  Because, in the church’s eyes, you’re not whole unless you’re married, even though divorce rates are ridiculously high.  Mom Mary Jo suggests he invite Heather, too… she’s equally desperate.  A-Magda declines again, and Mom Mary Jo pushes like a bulldozer, pointing out that the two of them can spend that time together.  I half expect A-Magda to choose the lesser of two evils here and go to the church function, but clearly, she can’t decide which of her options is more detestable.  Personally, I’d stay at home with Mom Mary Jo.  She’s hilarious, even more so after a few glasses of wine, I’m sure.  Pastor Hunk leaves the invitation open, as A-Magda says good night and walks up the stairs, suddenly insecure in her uniform, hiding her ass from Pastor Hunk’s chaste eyes.

In her room, Amanda opens the package she received, which is the photo and letter her husband left for her before taking off with his bimbo and dying in an orgasmic car crash.  We don’t get the helpful voice over to read it, but I’ll try to transcribe its contents as best I can:

“Amanda, I hope this letter gets to you quickly. I want to be the first to tell you, the first to explain.  Ignore the gossip, the hearsay.  Right now, as you’re reading this, it’s just us.

Yes, I have been seeing someone else.  Someone close to you.  But please know that I will always care for you.  I know the young lady I married all those years ago can see what we are going through.

Things have been bad for a while now.  I can no longer turn a blind eye to it.  I can see how our life together is hurting you.  And I think we both need to free ourselves from that pain.  I’m taking a chance on happiness.  And I want you to do the same.  I am proud of you, Amanda.  I am proud of our children…”

I can’t make out most of the last paragraph.  Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be anything particularly revealing in there.  Except most of it is bullshit, considering how he was behaving when he left.  A-Magda reads it, and a mixture of sadness and fury show on her face as she crumbles the letter, and likely crumbles herself.

Speaking of loin cloths…

Across the street, Queen B is unfolding her plan to get Bobby Ewing’s blood pumping again.  It involves a leaf-covered brief and a nude-colored body suit.  Bobby Ewing refuses to play along despite the fact that Adam and Eve is the most popular religious role play costume at the Bible Book Store.  She’s approaching the entirely wrong Adam and Eve, as anyone with a cursory knowledge of porn knows.  Bobby Ewing can’t figure out why his bit won’t drill.

Maybe he’s not into role play of the Biblical variety

Queen B suggest Sampson and Delilah, but he refuses to wear a wig.  Bobby Ewing points out how many couples in the Bible end up badly, suggesting that they’re destined to fall apart.  Queen B tells him not to put so much pressure on himself.  It’s her job to light his fire, and she thinks she knows how to get them back in the saddle.

And maybe this isn’t the type of leather he had in mind…

To which she promptly pulls out an actual saddle!  I’m wondering just how she plans to utilize that particular piece of equipment in the bedroom.  Anyone got any ideas?  Experience, maybe?  Bobby Ewing announces that the moment has passed, and answers a call coming in on his cell as Queen B leaves to slip into something less biblical.  Some nerdy accountant tells Bobby Ewing that he can’t find any proof of Amanda hiding any of the dead husband’s stolen money.  Bobby Ewing is sure that the criminal squirreled money away, but the accountant points out that even if Amanda knows something, they can’t break into her head to find out.  Bobby Ewing takes it upon himself to find out Amanda’s secrets.

Fatty Sharon peruses the vast contents of her pantry when Philandering Zach walks in, home early from the dealership.  Apparently, the success of the Dallas Cowboys is directly proportional to the quantity of cars being sold.  If that’s the case, they’re in trouble!  The Cowboys suck as of late.  Fatty Sharon offers to make him a sandwich, but he stopped off at Boobylicious to get some wings.  Wow!  He’s a complete moron.  Fatty Sharon tells Zach that she stopped off at Boobylicious to talk to A-Magda, but she got hurt.

Something else hurting her… your infidelity

Zach asks what she wanted to talk to A-Magda about, and just when Fatty is about to confront him, she chickens out, saying she was making sure he’s being served a salad with every booby basket.  Zach says that’s sweet, touches her nose adorably, and then walks off.

Not knowing what else to do, Sharon calls up the Texas Chili council under the guise of getting chili advice.  Their hilarious conversation about spicing up her chili quickly turns into a Miss Cleo moment.  She asks Bethany May if she should tell her husband she knows he kissed another woman, to which the response is absolutely.

Does it look like this woman takes bullshit from her man?  Didn’t think so.

Sharon is scared, though, that a confrontation might open the door for her husband to leave her.  AWWWWW!!!  Of all the AMG’s, Sharon is the most sympathetic.  But her husband is a complete douche, so I want her to grow some balls and kick him to the curb already.  Or at least kick him in the nuts.  Which is almost exactly the advice Bethany May from the Texas Chili Council gives her.  Emboldened, Sharon thanks her and hangs up.  LOVE THIS SCENE!!!  How great would it be if Bethany from the Texas Chili Council becomes a regular bit on the show!

Meanwhile, Queen B stops off at Horny Hag and GCB’s office to pick up their uniforms for the Single’s Fellowship.  Queen B asks how Tae Kwon Do went, and Horny Hag relives her thorough workout, while GCB says she came home a completely different woman.  Queen B is shocked that a workout could do so much to relieve tension. Cut to her at the dojo, about to take a lesson with Tae Kwon Hoe.

Be careful what you wish for.

She’s been full of tension and pent up frustration of late, and insists on getting the Horny Hag treatment.  Tae Kwon Hoe is slightly confused and somewhat reluctant to give her that kind of lesson, but Queen B offers cash, refusing to take no for an answer.  Tae Kwon Hoe curses the global recession before starting to undo his jumpsuit.

Not the workout she was hoping for.

The camera cuts to the outside of the dojo door and we hear a feminine gasp, followed by a thud, followed by a groan.  What does that equal, folks?  That’s right… a swift kick to the frank and beans.  Poor Tae Kwon Hoe.

Fast forward to nighttime, and Heather and A-Magda pull up to the church.  A-Magda thought they were getting mani-pedi’s, but Heather lied, knowing that A-Magda would never agree to attend the single’s group event.

Holy Ambush, Batman!

When Pastor Hunk invited Heather, he mentioned that Adorkable Andrew was going, so naturally, Heather needed to show up.  She knew trickery was the only way to get A-Magda to go, but didn’t mean to upset her and offers to leave.  A-Magda comes clean about the package she received and how much it rattled her.  Heather offers her support, asking how to get her mind off of the jerk, and A-Magda throws caution to the wind, saying they should follow the sound of Christian camaraderie and they go in to the church.  Of course they do!

Inside, Pastor Hunk opens the seminar, and it quickly becomes clear that the group’s normal socializing is on hold for a seminar aimed at opening them up to accepting that special someone into their sad, pathetic single lives.  Then he introduces the three shining examples of their congregation’s strongest marriages:  Philandering Zach and Fatty Sharon, Bobby Ewing and Queen B, and GCB and Horny Hag.

One out of three… these singles should take their chances with Match.com

As they receive applause, Heather leans over and immediately apologizes to a horrified looking A-Magda, who lets Heather know that she’s gonna kill her!  In my mind, I’m thinking, yeah, this should be GOOD!!!!

Back from commercial, the seminar begins.  Pastor Hunk starts things off with a blessing.  Everyone bows their heads, in time for Andrew to show up and take a seat next to Heather.

After I got my tooth fixed, I thought I’d give you another chance.  Don’t worry, though, I’m wearing a cup and a mouthguard.

Horny Hag introduces herself and their function—to show everyone about the tax breaks that come along with marriage.  Except for the gays, which is funny because GCB is gay.  They joke that their marriage is business, which it really is.  And everyone there is none the wiser to the truth in that.

She should have waited for everyone to be distracted before trying to sneak out unnoticed.

Zach starts to talk as A-Magda tries to sneak out, only to be hooked and reeled back in by a lustlorn Zach.  Sharon looks on, saying she’s there for the food.  HAHAHAHA!!!!  Naturally.  Queen B introduces herself a proud Mrs. Rip Cockburn, and Bobby Ewing announces that maybe they’ll uncover some secrets tonight.  When an awkward silence follows, he rescues himself, covering with “the secrets to love.”  Queen B takes the mic, saying that while God loves us the way we are (unless you’re gay), he’d love you even more if you’re married.  Pastor Hunk drops the smile off his face, realizing that maybe things are getting out of hand when Queen B says they’re trying to take the SIN out of being single!

That leaves us with GLE(E).  That’s another show I’ve been on, although now that I’m under contract at ABC, you can kiss April Rhoades goodbye.

The only sin in being single is the fornication, and we all know how well abstinence goes over.  Pastor Hunk jumps up, chastising Queen B to stay on script, pointing out that Jesus was a single adult too.  The Never-Been-Married’s go with GCB and Horny Hag, in the Always Alone group.  Harsh and yet, hilarious, especially after Horny Hag points right at Heather.  The Married-Before-But-Not Anymore’s stay with Queen B and Bobby Ewing.  And Fatty Sharon and Philandering Zach will be in the kitchen, with the food.

Let’s get this over with as quickly as possible.  There’s a pitcher of Kumquat margaritas waiting for us at home.

Horny Hag and GCB break out their Love in a Box, annoyed that Queen B roped them into this.  GCB suggests they power through it, getting to the end as quickly as possible.  They quickly read through their cards which identify single people as either sex-crazed sinners or pathetic losers who can’t make a relationship work, singling out Heather once again.  The goal of the Never-Been-Married’s group—reclaiming their virginity.

Queen B welcomes everyone to the Alone Again group as Heather tries to sneak in with A-Magda and Andrew.  Heather says the other group wasn’t working for her, and technically, she qualifies as an Alone Again.  Queen B isn’t having it, pointing out that this group is for the people who were actually able to pull off getting married at some point.  A-Magda defends Heather, suggesting she get to stay.  And while Queen B is the first to hope for Heather to find love, claims she won’t find it in this particular activity.  Heather, tired of all the humiliation, agrees to leave, turning to Andrew to say she’ll see him at dinner.  Queen B gets things started by asking for stories, and Bobby Ewing jumps all over A-Magda to start.

And don’t leave any details out, like where Dead Bill hid all his stolen money.

She hesitates in introducing herself as a widow, and Queen B jumps in to clarify that her husband was a criminal and an adulterer before he went off and died.  Amanda thanks her for spelling things out in gory detail, continuing that she doesn’t know how to get closure on the debacle that was her marriage.  Queen B jumps up, announcing that they’re going to fix that, courtesy of piñatas.

Now show us where the bad man hid all of his stolen money, er touched you.

Their activity—to write down all the wrongs done to them by their former husband or wife, stuff it in the piñata and beat the ever-loving shit out of it!!!  Surprisingly, I think that’s actually helpful.  Bobby Ewing hammers the task home, trying to subliminally coerce A-Magda to write down off shore bank account numbers and safety deposit box locations.  Yeah, because that’s gonna happen.  In the background, GCB walks off by himself, and Queen B excuses herself, telling Bobby Ewing that God’s work is calling her elsewhere.

Queen B pulls GCB off to the side for a quick chat, confronting him about her knowledge of Horny Hag’s infidelity with Tae Kwon Hoe.  GCB asks if she’s talked to Horny Hag about the situation, but Queen B chose to talk to him rather than potentially destroy her friendship with Horny Hag.  She pulls out all the relationship books she found at the Bible Book Store, urging him to get control of the situation before the situation becomes a situation.  In other words, fulfill your husbandly duties so that Horny Hag doesn’t have to resort to extramarital activities.

What do you mean I’m not satisfying my wife?!?!?  Have you been talking to that ranch foreman who quit last week?

She pushes the books onto him, feeling she isn’t overstepping because she loves them so much.  Yep, the eternal justification for butting your nose in where it doesn’t belong.  Because you CARE!  Excuse me while I roll my eyes.

Cut to Horny Hag cutting the line to restroom when GCB grabs her and pulls her aside into the sanctuary for their wholly unholy conversation.  He tells Horny Hag about Queen B’s knowledge of her sexual exploits, and he proceeds to berate her about their need for discretion.  He points out how it looks for her to be cheating on him, and for the first time, I lose some respect for GCB.  His concern isn’t for how the revelation might destroy Horny Hag’s reputation, but for how it might lead to his outing.

That nosy bitch is getting too close to the closet door.

She suggests that the word getting out might actually make things easier for him to escape the marriage with his moral integrity intact.  Then she figuratively slaps him upside the head with perspective, asking if he realizes how putting on this act makes HER look, or even feel.  The shock on his face serves as his answer, and suddenly, Horny Hag is sympathetic.  WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?!

Over in the Alone Again room, A-Magda is busy pouring her heart out over her dead husband on little pieces of paper to stuff in her piñata.  Bobby Ewing sits down next to her, encouraging her to let it all out.  In her focus, she opens up a little to him, saying she had things under control until Dead Billy “popped up again.”  Bobby Ewing takes note, and I’m sensing the beginnings of a classic misunderstanding here.  Bobby Ewing offers his shoulder for her to cry on, but A-Magda says she’s gotta do this on her own.  Finally, she’s done, and Bobby Ewing grabs the piñata, suggesting they hang that bad boy.  HAHAHA!!!!  Get it… Bad Boy?!?!?!  LOVE IT!  A-Magda turns to go find string, but not before wrestling the piñata out of Bobby Ewing’s firm grip.

This is my therapy! Go get your own!

Meanwhile, over in the sanctuary, Horny Hag takes her frustrations out on a stack of ‘For Children With Something’ flyers, trying first to rip them and then tossing them in the trash, just as Queen B walks in.  She notices her flyers in the trash, and Horny Hag thinks quick, blaming A-Magda for it.  LOL!  Horny Hag immediately takes the opportunity to address the little situation regarding her infidelity.  Like a woman who’s spent most of her life lying for her husband, she quickly spins a tale about taking on the martial arts to be able keep up with GCB’s insatiable sexual demands, playing it off as though Queen B completely misunderstood her relationship with Tae Kwon Hoe.  Queen B asked Tae Kwon Do to give her the same workout, and he tried to touch her naughty bits.  Horny Hag then brings the smackdown, telling her to stop projecting sin onto others, turning the whole situation around on her and throwing Queen B’s apparent sexual frustration with Bobby Ewing in her face.

In other words, mind your own fucking business.

OH, this girl is GOOD!!!  BEST BEARD EVER!!!  Back when I felt the need for one, Cricket would have been absolutely perfect!  She backs Queen B up against the wall all threatening-like, telling her to fix her own marriage and to leave hers the hell alone.  BRILLIANT!!!  God, it’s great seeing Queen B put in her place, and it’s even better seeing someone other than A-Magda doing it!

Back in the kitchen, we get our first glimpse of Fatty Sharon and Philandering Zach working on the fellowship meal.  She tells him to put a smidge of the pepper puree into each batch when the timer dings.  Then she starts the confrontation she’s been working herself up for.  However, she’s interrupted by the timer, and of course, A-Magda walking in to find string.  Clearly distracted, he dumps the entire contents of the blender into the one pot.  A-Magda compliments Sharon on the smell of her chili, and Zach offers her a taste.  But of course, Fatty Sharon will not allow it, saying that A-Magda’s mouth will NOT be going on anything of hers ever again.  HAHAHAHA!!!

Too bad Zach is a car salesman and not a PhD student/scientist.  That’d be HILARIOUS!

Zach looks confused as Sharon tastes the chili herself.  Zach acts confused, but before they can get any further, the heat hits Sharon’s tastebuds and she goes a little crazy.  A-Magda seizes her opportunity and grabs the container of milk, letting Sharon know that it’ll neutralize the peppers.  However, she won’t hand it over until Sharon says her piece.

The burning chili is a metaphor for burning in hell?  Except Zach is the one breaking commandments and marriage vows.  The women always suffer, don’t they?

Fatty Sharon turns around and shouts that she knows Zack kissed Amanda.  Zack transforms into a wounded puppy dog, saying he never means to hurt her.  OUCH!!!  MEANS?  As in, this has happened before?  As in, this is likely going to happen again?  As in, he’s never loved her, or he doesn’t love her anymore but can’t divorce her?  As in, their marriage is a sham?  That one verb tense says a lot, and none of it bodes well for Fatty Sharon.  She doesn’t understand why he would do that, after she’s given him the life he’s always wanted.  And finally, the truth comes out.  Zach says that he’s not so sure of that anymore.  OUCH x a billion!  Zach, not knowing what else to say or do, walks away, leaving Sharon to console herself in a half gallon of milk.  Dammit, now Sharon is sympathetic too?  You’re not supposed to care about the villains!

Horny Hag, leading the Always Alone group, is having her charges write down all the names of the people they’ve fornicated with, tossing them into little buckets.  Some are more full than others.  GCB tries to apologize to Horny Hag, but she just talks over him about the purifying nature of fire.  GCB takes his candle and starts to ignite the buckets of paper, symbolically making them all virgins anew.

If it were this easy, we could just write the name of the person we’ve just had sex with on our post-coital cigarette and kill two birds with one stone.  It’d save a lot of trees, and the need to go to confession.

In the other room, all the piñatas are hung and with baseball bats in hand, Bobby Ewing is firing everyone up to smack the living shit out of their own personal baggage.

Hey, batter batter!

Bobby Ewing tells them to leave immediately after they’re done, all symbolic and shit, so that he can get his hands on A-Magda’s secrets, of course.  Andrew brings up the issue of privacy, asking what’s going to happen with all their personal information suddenly strewn about willy nilly.  A-Magda doesn’t care, winding up her bat with all the focus and rage of a true woman scorned.  She points out that it won’t matter because everyone’s info will be mixed together and no one will be able to tell whose is whose.  Uh oh!  Bobby Ewing’s carefully thought out plot to covertly extract information just hit a major snafu.  Queen B walks in, suddenly pissed off about the ridiculousness of it all, no doubt fueled by her very recent tongue lashing.  However, she does present a solution to Bobby Ewing problem, mentioning the fires being set next door.  As Queen B starts a countdown to piñata smashing, Bobby Ewing runs off into the hallway and pulls the fire alarm.  Queen B directs everyone out of the building while Bobby Ewing eyes A-Magda’s secret-filled piñata.  Nice save there, buddy.  Next time, think shit through.

And now, after the final commercial, let’s see how everything gets wrapped up into a nice neat Christian package.  A lot of comments on the previous two episodes expressed disappointment in this, and I have to agree.  Soap operas are notorious for cliffhangers, wild tangents, and continuing storylines ad infinitum.  They’re also notorious for evil twins, bringing characters unrealistically back from the dead, and treating marriage and divorce like a revolving door.  I guess, in this case, it’s a pick-your-poison situation.

Outside the church, a gaggle of firefighters deal with the false alarm as Pastor Hunk tries to make light of the situation, thanking his singles for coming and the AMG’s for volunteering.  Bobby Ewing brings A-Magda her piñata, offering some kind words about hoping she can get past all the crappy shit Dead Bill did to her.

Always be suspicious of enemies being nice to you.  Did you learn nothing from your pulled pork lunch with Queen B last week.

He tips his cowboy hat to her and walks off.  Hmmmm.. curious, because it seems like he’s suddenly giving up.  Maybe he’s seen the error of his ways?  Yeah, doubtful.

Over by the fire truck, Andrew approaches Heather, who tries to explain that being single in Dallas really isn’t like this.  If I learned anything from Most Eligible Dallas, the single men are pigs and the single women are prick teases.  And the gays… well, let’s hope the gay representation on that particular reality show was not indicative of the gay community there.  Otherwise, I feel bad for GCB’s prospects for a future ranch foreman.  Andrew shrugs and sweetly says that it was a chance for him to see her again.  Heather awkwardly bites the bullet and asks him out on a normal date, far far away from the church singles scene, but before she can finish, Andrew dives in for a kiss.  AWWWWW!!!!  TOTALLY ADORKABLE!!!!

Not since Betty and Henry has there been dork love on TV with so much potential! 

Andrew offers her a lift home, and presumably, they’re off to fog up his glasses.  And without really trying, Heather has snagged herself a billionaire!  Ooooh, if it were only that easy!  However, if memory serves, Heather drove A-Magda to this fiasco, so 1. Where’d the car go?  And 2. How is A-Magda getting home?  Let’s just visualize that Heather dropped the keys off with A-Magda, exchanging a few knowing winks and nods before running off to check out the software billionaire’s hardware.

At home, Fatty Sharon dives into a half gallon of ice cream as Philandering Zach tries to explain himself.

Blah blah blah… my life is awful… blah blah blah… glory days… blah blah blah… football star… blah blah blah… selling cars is embarrassing… blah blah blah… I love you. 

Yeah, I’m not buying his bullshit whining either, Sharon.

I’m sure he’s trying to be sincere, but I just can’t get past how quickly Zach In The Pants sprung to life as soon as he saw A-Magda.  Yeah, because I get horny every time I get depressed about my sorry ass life.  Really, Zach?  Meanwhile, Fatty Sharon takes a good look at how she’s let herself go.  Zach asks for her forgiveness, and Sharon gets up from the table, walks past him, and throws out the container of ice cream.  She tells him that he isn’t the only one who’s had glory days, and maybe, hers are still ahead of her.

Then she walks out, minus the finger snap up high, a la Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale as she walks away from the burning car.  Good for you, Sharon!

GCB lounges in the Biggest Bed Ever, brooding while Horny Hag gets ready for bed.  He apologizes to her for being selfish and getting mad at her for wanting more.  Horny Hag shrugs it off, saying that no marriage is perfect.  GCB goes on, pointing out how unfair this whole sham is to her when she’s working so hard to keep a secret that’s not theirs… it’s his.  He’s grateful to her for everything she’s given him… their daughter, their life together, the most convincing beard that side of the Mississippi.  If Horny Hag chose to leave him, he says he’d have nothing but love and gratitude for the life she’s given him.

The bigger conundrum is how she’s been married to that for so long and NOT being able to tap it!  I’d be in the looney bin by now!

Wait, why am I tearing up right now?  This show isn’t supposed to have real emotion!  It’s probably because I can relate to GCB here, but still.  Horny Hag points out the other men before GCB who proposed marriage, and why they were all systematically shot down.  Because GCB is the only man in her life who has ever loved her for who she is.  WOW!!!  Let me get this straight.  In a way, the show is comparing Cricket’s ambition and rigid personality to homosexuality?  I don’t really see the parallel, and yet the comparison works because their marriage is built on love and trust.  The only thing missing is the sex.  It’s actually quite beautiful if you think about it.  Horny Hag says that she’s fine being there in this marriage with him, and GCB agrees.  She snuggles up to him, and is shocked to feel something turgid poking her somewhere under the covers.

Could it be?  PLEEEEEEASE!!!!!

She asks if that’s what she thinks it is, and GCB giggles over finding the TV remote.

We check in now with the Cockburns, and Bobby Ewing finds Queen B quietly sobbing in her boudoir.  When he asks what’s wrong, the insecurities come pouring out of Queen B like she’s the girl she was in high school.  She blames herself for the sex going out of their marriage.  She’s getting older and she doesn’t turn him on anymore.  She offers to go back to the plastic surgeon to get her butt fat sucked out and injected around her eyes… anything to keep herself young looking and attractive to Bobby Ewing.

Because erectile dysfunction is caused by lack of desire in a woman, not something psychological or physiological on the part of the man.

He tells her to stop because the problem isn’t her.  Then he finally admits to her what’s going on.  Apparently, Dead Bill came to town before his untimely death in the blow job car to steal a large sum of money from the Cockburn’s in his ponzi scheme.  OOOOOOH!!!!  Well, I was close.  Bobby Ewing was a victim… not an accomplice.  Not as juicy or wrought with dramatic possibility, but ok, I guess.  Queen B asks if they’re poor, and I literally bust out laughing!!!  Because there’s nothing worse to rich people than the prospect of becoming poor!  Bobby Ewing assures her that they’re still very very rich… they just lost a “very” or two.  Queen B wishes he told her about it so that she could do her wifely duties and lighten his load.  Um… wasn’t that the problem, though?  Bobby Ewing couldn’t “lighten his load”?  Bobby Ewing was ashamed, which was why he couldn’t perform, but now that Queen B knows, and everything is all out in the open…

SCHWING!!!!

Lil’ Bobby (and not the Howie Mandel cartoon) comes to life, and HALLELUJAH!!!  Bobby Ewing throws Queen B down on the bed, climbs on top her, and claps the lights off.

Across the street, A-Magda gets home, explaining the piñata to Mom Mary Jo and that smashing it is supposed to set her free from Dead Bill.  Mom Mary Jo excuses herself to go grab her putter!  HAHAHAHA!!!  Cut to the living room with the piñata hanging before them.  A-Magda takes the putter and starts smacking it as it swings back and forth, yelling at Dead Bill in effigy about all the lies and deceit.  And finally, one good smack and BAM, the piñata disintegrates in a shower of paper confetti worthy of the American Idol finale.

The only things missing are the shower of sparks in the background and the Idol Tabernacle Choir.

Mom Mary Jo consoles a sobbing A-Magda, apologizing for pushing her out into the dating scene too quickly, but A-Magda’s catharsis is now complete.  Good thing she went to church instead of a psychiatrist!  The two laugh over how damn good that felt, busting up the piñata, that is.  They sit down and start reading the little slips of paper, quickly realizing that this wasn’t her piñata after all.  Mom Mary Jo asks where her piñata is.

It’s closer than you might think.

Cut to the Cockburn’s bedroom again, post coital, as Bobby Ewing and Queen B delve into A-Magda’s secrets.  Unfortunately, they fail to find a road map to Dead Bill’s hidden accounts so that they can recoup their stolen millions.  Queen B notes that the slips of paper are written as though Dead Bill isn’t dead, and Bobby Ewing mentions A-Magda’s slip of the tongue about Dead Bill popping up again.  Remember that misunderstanding I was talking about before?  Well here it is.  They decide that Dead Bill faked his own death, like so many other people living in South America.  Maybe that’s where Elvis and Tupac are living!  They resolve to find this supposedly alive Dead Bill, and I can’t help but think about the millions of dollars you’re about to waste searching for a dead man.  HAHAHAHA!!!  Good luck with that!  And with that, this week’s installment ends.

Two things occur to me.  1. We were denied a church scene this week, unless you count you singles fellowship, which I do not, and 2. The plot and characters are starting to come around.  The possibilities are starting to take shape, the characters are becoming three dimensional, and I’m starting to care.  Is the show perfect?  Absolutely not.  But it’s growing and building on itself.  Personally, I like that better than some of the other shows that set the bar too high too early and can never seem to live up to it afterwards.

What do you guys and gals think about the new nicknames?  Amanda Magdalene and Horny Hag?  I feel like I want something better for Cricket, but unless someone out there has a better suggestion, that’s what I’m going with.  I still need something for Heather.  Please help!  Next week, we get a costume party, and plenty of southern Christian hijinx.  Join me for the laughs!  Reverend Slumrville signing out.