GCB Recap: Forbidden Fruit

My fellow Gasmii, we gather here today to recap, hopefully with great hilarity, the most recent episode of GCB.  I have to admit, from the moment I completed my first viewing of this episode, I couldn’t wait to get started.  Why, you ask?  Because with Episode 5, GCB has achieved entertainment Nirvana!  The perfect combination of comedy, drama, exposition, tension, romantic chemistry and payoff.  I’m positively giddy!  Let’s just jump right in.

Last week, Amanda (AKA Amanda Magdalene, or A-Magda) went to work for Cricket (AKA GCBeard) and Blake (AKA GCBlake) on the launch of a new brand of jeans, Westward Ho, leading to a revolt from the Christian community caused by some self-sabotage from Cricket to keep Blake and A-Magda from becoming Besties.  Sharon (AKA Fatty Sharon) and Zack (AKA Philandering Zach) embark on a life-swap experiment proposed by Pastor Tudor (AKA Pastor Hunk) to help solve their marital problems, leading to a newly empowered Fatty Sharon.  Carlene (AKA Queen B) snooped on A-Magda, going so far as stealing her laptop, to obtain evidence of her dead husband’s stolen money, or the whereabouts of a possibly still alive dead husband.  Heather grew closer to Adorkable Andrew by procuring a piece of land for him to relocate his software company to Dallas.  And Gigi (AKA Mom Mary Jo) engaged in a stand-off with the wife of her male BFF, Uncle Berl, leading to the unexpected death, via choking on some BBQ, of dear Aunt Bisty.

This week, we pick up with A-Magda driving somewhere, responsibly calling up Mom Mary Jo on her car’s Bluetooth technology, letting her know her lunch shift ran late but she’s on her way.  The 2^nd leading cause of traffic accidents gives way to the first, as A-Magda starts a battle with a bee buzzing around in the car.

I’m more dangerous than texting while driving.  Why don’t I have an Oprah awareness camaign?

Instead of keeping her eyes on the road and lowering all the windows to get the insect out, she grabs a newspaper and starts to swat at it.

Because Oprah can’t come up with a clever title for that.

After a few swerves, she ends up rear-ending a black Mercedes at a stop sign.  Poor A-Magda.  The last thing she needs is some creepy jerk throwing himself from his newly smashed up vehicle, flailing on the ground and crying, “WHIPLASH!”

Even Flo, the Progressive Lady, won’t be able to save you from an insurance hike now.

She grabs her insurance information out of the glove compartment and steps out of her car to apologize profusely.  The man in the Black Mercedes, seeing her approaching warns her to step back because he doesn’t want her to freak out.  A-Magda looks away, afraid he might be bleeding, and the man steps out of the car without any pants on.  Or underwear for that matter, as evidenced by the pixilation.  Just as A-Magda notices this, a stiff breeze comes by to lift the flaps of his dress shirt, giving her a good gander at his giggly parts.  DAYUM!!!  Girl done hit the lottery!

NYPD Blue broke the bare ass barrier on network television at least a decade ago, ABC.  Then again, that was before Nipple-Gate.

Talk about dumb luck!  He grabs a pair of boxer shorts from off the window, explaining that he’s driving naked because he happened to spill a cup of coffee in his lap, and he was drying his clothes.  She’s not his first accident today, but she sure is the prettiest.  Wow, Naked Driver is showing off his junk AND flirting with her?!?!?  Where’s the nearest seedy motel?!?!?!  Take one for the team, A-Magda.

How big of an impression did he make?  Inquiring minds would like to know.

He goes to get back in his car to leave, and she shouts after him that she doesn’t even have his information.  No, but given the look she got, I’m sure she’d be able to identify him out of a line-up later on, a la The History of the World, Part 1.  He responds by reciting her information, committed to memory, and he’ll get in touch with her if need be.  But he’s late and he has to go.  He proceeds to speed off, oblivious of the fact that his pants fell from his rear passenger window. He might wanna stop at a Men’s Warehouse on the way to wherever he’s going.  Unless it’s to a Chippendales audition.

At least A-Magda gets to walk away with a souvenir.

Also, for those of you who may recall, Naked Driver was Rob Lowe’s gay minister brother back on Brothers and Sisters, and I’ve had a similar x-rated crush on him ever since.  Too bad he wasn’t cast as GCBlake’s new ranch foreman, though.  I wouldn’t mind seeing those fantasies play out on my TV.

Cut to Hillside Park Memorial Church and Aunt Bitsy’s funeral.

I wonder if they’ll be serving ribs at the reception afterwards.

Queen B weeps in the front row, mourning the premature loss of Aunt Bitsy, unable to imagine a situation where she could possibly feel worse.  Cue GCBeard emerging from the wings, microphone in hand, to the hum of the church organ, belting out Amazing Grace.  Props to SparklePony, who pointed out Miriam Shor’s equally amazing voice a few weeks back!  Combine Queen B’s horrified look and GCBeard’s comedic timing as she gestures to Queen B during the lyric, “that saved a wretch like me,” and I’m positively ROTFLMAO!!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

The only way she can get a solo is when Queen B is sidelined by grief.

Mom Mary Jo, from one pew back, leans forward to offer her condolences.  Queen B twists the knife of guilt, unable to imagine what it must feel like to have someone die in your home while eating your food.  Rip (AKA Bobby Ewing) ponders the cruel hand of fate that led to Aunt Bitsy’s untimely demise considering his wife had been chowing down on those very same ribs.  Mom Mary Jo sarcastically admits to that particular alternative crossing her mind.  A-Magda finally arrives at the funeral, explaining the delay while GCBeard turns her diva on, improvising the lyrics and pretending she’s Queen Latifah in Joyful Noise.  From the congregation, Makenzie marvels at GCBeard’s vocal prowess, remarking that she doesn’t even sound like a white woman, and we get a little exposition to explain GCBlake’s absence, apparently from the entire episode.  He’s off at the ranch, “breaking in” a new foreman.  Showing him the “ropes” indeed!

Meanwhile, Fatty Sharon is throwing herself head first into her new job, helping Pastor Hunk dress for the service, much to his ever-loving annoyance, as she gets the vestment colors wrong and types out a baptism meditation instead of one appropriate to a funeral.

Bless her heart, Sharon means well, but she can’t seem to do anything right.

A frustrated Pastor Hunk, tries to get her to join her family, but Sharon won’t hear of it, grabbing a lint roller and almost following him out to the pulpit.  How he doesn’t lose his patience is beyond me!  Then again, he’s a preacher.

After the service, Heather and Adorkable Andrew offer their sympathy to Queen B and Bobby Ewing.  GCBeard steps up as they all “welcome” Andrew to town as he proudly announces that his staff is already in the process of relocating, thanks to Heather’s real estate prowess.  Queen B compliments Heather on being a busy little beaver, profiting off the commissions of finding Andrew’s employees new homes.  Obliviously, Andrew remarks at Heather’s transformation from high school, becoming the most powerful woman in Dallas.  UH OH!!!

You might wanna take a step back, Heather, before Queen B and/or GCBeard lunges for your throat.

GCBeard reacts in kind, listing off a few of the companies she owns, but damn, she’s certainly no Heather!  Bobby Ewing suggests throwing a boar hunt to welcome Andrew and his company to town, because “nothing says Welcome to Texas like a good clean kill shot!” Actually, nothing like buckshot and the cover of a hunting trip to take out your competition.  Right, Dick Cheney?  The ladies love the idea, but Heather interrupts to take ownership of any party planning.  After all, she is WITH Andrew now.  Interesting choice to avoid the girlfriend label there.  GCBeard and Queen B respond with a nasty string of barely disguised put-downs, asking where “the most powerful woman in Dallas” is going to host such a soiree?  Her condo?  Out by that wet thing that vaguely passes as a pool?  Feeding guests via the vending machines?  In less than a minute, they cut Heather down quicker than a confederate flag at the South Carolina state house.  Queen B offers an appropriate solution—inviting everyone to the church fundraiser for good food, great entertainment (YAY!!!! Kristen Chenoweth is gonna sing!!!!), and a smothering of Christian fellowship.  Andrew warns that not all of his employees are Christians, but Queen B winks not yet.  Wait… they’re mormons?  Or even worse, Jehoviah’s Witnesses?  I really don’t think a mass baptism in the Rio Grande is where this show wants to go.

Over in a private room in the church, Mom Mary Jo consoles Uncle Berl as he sips deeply from a flask.  He can’t understand what he was thinking all this time, and Mom Mary Jo leans over to ask what he’s talking about.  Suddenly, the grieving widower goes in for the kill, kissing Mom Mary Jo with years and years of repressed passion.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I’m done mourning.

Mom Mary Jo, however, fights him off, all the while thinking decorum, pointing out that they are at his wife’s funeral!  Uncle Berl begs heaven’s forgiveness, and while Mom Mary Jo might extend such a courtesy, the vengeful spirit of dearly departed Aunt Bitsy will surely grasp his wrinkled nut sack for all of eternity once he eventually joins her in the afterlife!  Quick!  Someone sign up Jennifer Love Hewitt to guest star!  Or Patricia Arquette, because I know how much Flipit misses her.  Alas, those characters are both from competing networks.  Mom Mary Jo implores him to pull his shit together before folks start speculating.

Out in the vestibule, A-Madga offers her condolences to Queen B as Naked Driver walks up, still pants-less, wearing a choir robe.  Queen B asks the obvious question, wondering why he’s wearing a robe.  Naked Driver explains that he lost his pants, and A-Magda announces that she’s got ‘em.

I can’t think of any other time when a choir robe was more sexy.

Naked Driver and A-Magda exchange smiles and flirty eye-contact while Queen B verbally loses her mind with confusion over how A-Magda came in possession of her little brother’s missing article of clothing.  Consider the bomb officially dropped (or Queen B slapped by the cruel hand of fate) as we learn Naked Driver’s identity.  LOVE IT!!!!!

When I crashed into a smoking hot, naked man who proceeded to flirt with me, I knew there would be a catch!

Back in the church’s private room, A-Magda returns the missing pair of pants and Queen B’s Baby Brother, Luke, puts them on.  We already know he’s got no shame, but doing so in God’s house?  FOR SHAME!!!!

The least you could do is look away while he zips up the fly.

A-Magda doesn’t remember Queen B ever having a brother, but Luke admits to being present for, and loving every minute of, Queen B’s Hovelina (or however that word is spelled) mud bath.  Ah, sibling rivalry!  A-Magda and new love interest share a mutual dislike for Queen B.  Now there’s a foundation upon which a whirlwind romance can be built!  I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling the incredible chemistry between them, right?  A-Magda remarks on how much different the two of them are, and Luke explains that while Queen B is a “judgmental piece of work,” he’s merely a “piece of work.”  Yes he is, folks!  And please, break me off a piece of THAT!  Luke, heretofore known as Cool Hand Luke, excuses himself to go bury his aunt.

Later that night, Fatty Sharon stays behind to help clean up the church as Philandering Zach and Makenzie waste time and whine.  Rather than helping, Zach tosses crumpled up funeral programs at a trash can, missing every time, and Makenzie texts Alexandra to call CPS because her parents aren’t feeding her.

If you’d maybe HELP instead of standing around complaining, you could be home right now enjoying a home cooked meal.

Zach accuses Sharon of abandoning her family for her job at the church, but Sharon argues that her job is a privilege.  She sends them off to cook an emergency frozen spinach lasagna as she prances off to help Pastor Hunk for as long as she needs him, alone together in a darkened sanctuary.  I wonder if GCB is gonna go there.  Anyone willing to take bets?

Is it because you’re on death’s doorstep yourself that you’re chasing tail so soon after you’re bitchy wife’s death?

The next day, Mom Mary Jo barges in on Uncle Berl hitting golf balls into the pool to confront him about a first class plane ticket to Paris he sent over to her.  Through her fury, she calls him crazy, but Berl argues that he always did right by his wife, even if they drifted apart the last few years.  Mom Mary Jo counters with the proximity of this particular courtship in time to the death of his wife, clearly afraid of the gossip.  Berl explains that as the reason for going to Paris—people can’t talk about things they can’t see.  Actually, that’s almost worse.  When people can’t see something for what it is, the imagination runs wild, creating scenarios that are way more lascivious and scandalous than the reality of the situation in question.  Mom Mary Jo continues to offer up excuses, saying she has responsibilities to family and reconnecting with her prodigal daughter.  Berl pushes forward, pointing out that Mom Mary Jo’s been widowed for 18 years, but the 18 second long widower-hood for Berl makes a relationship uncouth.   Berl softens the hard sell, turning the discussion towards how sweet they are on each other, and then resorts to his bum ticker and how little time they have left to be together.  He’s determined to make the most of that time and implores her to think of the fun they could have.  Man, there’s actual genuine chemistry there as Mom Mary Jo finally gives in and agrees to dinner at her house, after sundown under the cloak of darkness.  HAHAHAHA!!!!  She has a reputation to uphold, after all.  Some habits are hard to break, I guess.

Over at the church, GCBeard calls the meeting of the Hillside Park Fund Raising Committee to order, and tries to speed through the agenda since Pastor Hunk has to head over to the stadium for an intervention.  Pastor Hunk gets annoyed, saying his schedule is confidential, but Sharon, crawling out from underneath the table, placates Pastor Hunk, pointing out that she didn’t didn’t say WHO was going to rehab!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!  It’s the little details like that that make this show so much fun!

This is part of an assistant’s job, right?

Chairperson GCBeard calls upon Co-Chair Queen B to review the event responsibilities.  Queen B delegates your standard event responsibilities to random people around the table, until she comes to Entertainment.  Clearly expecting top billing to go to her, she’s shocked to find a change in this year’s program.  GCBeard, fresh off her solo at church, launches herself to the main stage, complete with Celine Dion-esque Vegas Billboard photo and all.

Glamour Shots by Deb!

Queen B tries to correct this powerpoint mistake, but apparently, some kid had a seizure at last year’s fund raiser.  Queen B maintains they were caused by the strobe lights, not her singing, but a tongue was bitten off, so changes, they are a-comin’.  Pastor Hunk jumps in to offer up an easy solution—have BOTH of them sing.  YES PLEASE!!!!  (Although, the outcome of this particular story arc has already been spoiled, thanks to the episode previews.)  Pastor Hunk cracks a joke, to which Sharon laughs a little too loudly and for a second too long, turning heads around the table in the process.  Pastor Hunk shakes it off, setting the event goal at $3 mil.  Then he points to Heather, the resident “numbers whiz” to outline how that goal can be achieved. GCBeard huffily snarks that she’s only the head of an international conglomerate worth $11.6 billion, but sure, have the real estate agent run down the financials.  Um… if your company is worth that much, just write a check for the $3 mil and throw a party.  Mission accomplished.

Heather begins her presentation, spouting off your tired non-profit clichés—putting the “funds” back in fundraiser and focusing on the corporate donors will get them in the black.  Queen B yawns conspicuously while GCBeard interjects at every turn to assert her mastery of the subject at hand.  Heather name-drops Adorkable Andrew, to which GCBeard comments how much Heather has been “tapping” that particular resource.  Then she slides the gavel down the table, turning the event over to Heather to run, if she’s “the most powerful woman in Dallas.”

Old Maid Heather, in the conference room, with the gavel.

Careful, GCBeard… what’s that they say about cutting off your nose to spite your face?  Heather takes the challenge, and GCBeard excuses herself for a rehearsal with her choreographer.  Queen B goes all 4^th grade, saying that Pastor Hunk insisted they perform together.  GCBeard leans over and assures Queen B that she wants her up there on stage with her… and then asks if she knows how to play tambourine.  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Why does the quote, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” come to mind?  Could we get a Queen B coup d’etat at the event?

Meanwhile, Cool Hand Luke shows up at A-Magda’s house with a hand truck full of crates that I can only assume is wine.  A-Magda checks to see if he has pants on before letting him in.  WHY?!?!?!  You should only let him in if he DOESN’T have pants on!!!  He lets her know that he’s staying across the street at Queen B’s house, and points out that it’s convenient.

He doesn’t know it yet, but getting her drunk isn’t an option.

A-Magda asks what exactly it’s convenient for, and Cool Hand Luke changes the subject to the heavy crates he’s carting over from Uncle Berl.  A-Magda points out that it must be $20K worth of champagne, to which I respond, SERIOUSLY?!?!  First of all, I could do some major damage with that much bubbly.  Or secondly, I’ll just take the cash and get toasted on Boones.  A-Magda asks what the champagne is for, and Cool Hand Luke offhandedly mentions that Mom Mary Jo is having some kind of dinner party there that evening.  A-Madga wasn’t invited to any dinner party, and Cool Hand Luke jumps at the opportunity to ask her to dinner, since she doesn’t have any apparent plans.  Suddenly backed into a corner, A-Magda tries to decline, but Cool Hand Luke won’t take no for an answer, pointing out that she totaled his car and seen him naked already.  Dinner is the next logical step in the progression.  Actual, hot sweaty sex is the next step in the progression, or at least, that’s what always happens in the porn flicks I’ve seen.  But dinner is more network appropriate.  Cool Hand Luke seals the deal, saying he might be the best thing to ever happen to her.  A-Magda is completely enamored by him, and to be honest, so am I.  A-Magda never verbally agrees to dinner, but the body language is all there.  Cool Hand Luke offers to drive before heading out the door, and A-Magda SQUEEEE’s in response.

I’d just like to point out that my heart rate just sped up from this scene.  The chemistry between these two is freaking amazing!!!  I haven’t been this thrilled about a potential couple since another Luke and his on-again, off-again romance with Lorelai.  I’d say Castle and Beckett, but they haven’t gotten together yet, and by that show’s most recent episode, that may never happen anyway.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings once more.  A-Magda thinks it’s Cool Hand Luke again, but whoa is she ever mistaken.  Cue the horror movie music again, as Queen B stands on the threshold with a huge pair of hedge clippers in her hand and a menacing look on her face.

Maybe she’s just auditioning for Sweeney Todd.

Apparently, she’s frustrated because her brother won’t divulge details on how A-Magda ended up with Luke’s pants, and since Bobby Ewing won’t allow her to waterboard immediate family, here she is.  She proceeds to stroll down memory lane, to the time when A-Magda calculated the PSI of pressure of Queen B’s formerly fat ass could deliver from falling from a height of 100 feet.  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  A-Magda tries yet another blanket apology for her mean girl tendencies back in high school, but that’s not the point here.  Queen B threatens A-Magda with certain death if she goes out with her brother, but A-Magda quotes the Wizard of Oz, calling Queen B a witch and saying “You have no power here.”  At an impasse, Queen B returns the hedge clippers, but while she tries to continue her vague threats as she steps out the door, A-Magda slams the door in her face!  LOVE IT!

Yeah, I don’t care what you have to say.  Buh-bye.

Heather whines to Adorkable Andrew over lunch at Boobylicious (um… is this the ONLY place in town to eat?) about the pile of shit she’s stepped into by taking on GCBeard and Queen B and taking over the fundraiser.  GCBeard, continuing her pattern of sabotage, is stonewalling potential corporate donors.  Andrew doesn’t understand the behavior since they’re supposed to be friends, but Heather explains that that only works when she stays in her very defined role—poor, single, and working class.  But now that she’s “with” Andrew, the dynamic has changed, and this is Dallas, where power is a social currency.

Maybe eating at Boobylicious all the time isn’t the best way to trap him into a relationship.

Andrew says that power is the last thing he wants, and the more you have, the more people want from you.  Yes, the burden of being rich and successful.  I’d gladly change positions with Andrew, or Tom Everett Scott, for that matter.  I’d like to see either one of them try to survive on Ramen noodles and generic brand cigarettes.  Queen B calls at that moment to harass Heather about the show’s entertainment.  Andrew points out that, as chairperson, she doesn’t have to let either one of them sing. Then he pulls up a contact on his phone and suggests he call her.  She sang at his 30^th birthday party, and she’ll probably do this as a favor to him for free.  We call know who “she” is, so let’s just move on.

Sharon rushes home with the groceries before she has to get back to work at the church when she notices that Makenzie is down in the dumps.  She asks what’s wrong, and in Makenzie’s world, everything is wrong, apparently.  Sharon looks over to see her son, Bozeman, home from what must be military school, based on his uniform.  She’s thrilled to see him home, but the fact that he’s home suddenly hits her, asking why since his break isn’t supposed to be for another month.  The truth hits her, and she asks the important question—What’s HER name?  Bozeman responds Annie… and Julie.  HAHAHAHA!!!!  We have a little Lothario here.  Sharon is horrified by her son’s behavior, but Zach is proud of his lady-killing abilities.

The dingleberry doesn’t fall too far from the asshole.

Meanwhile, Makenzie is grossed out, which is appropriate since she’s his sister, as Sharon duly points out.  Sharon doesn’t know what to do, since they’re running out of schools to send him to.  They could send him to an all-boys boarding school, but everyone knows those are breeding grounds for the gays.  Zach implores her to just enjoy the fact that their son is back home, but Sharon can’t because she promised to help out at church. Bozeman begs for her to make him cassoulet (which is a sausage and bean casserole… really?  That’s what he wants after months of mess hall food?)   Suddenly awash in motherhood, Sharon calls Pastor Hunk to beg out of her responsibilities, to which he apparently praises Jesus.  The man could certainly use a break.

Over at A-Magda’s, the doorbell rings and she primps a little, nervously, before opening the door for her date.  Cool Hand Luke is standing on the other side of the threshold with a just-tight-enough Henley on and his fists buried into the pockets of his well-fitting blue jeans.  He’s still remarkably scruffy, and his smile could melt a glacier.  Goddammit, he’s fucking HOT! Seeing him dressed down (although unfortunately not undressed), she feels a bit overdressed, but Cool Hand Luke looks her up and down with approval, saying she looks perfect for where they’re going.  He says it’s his favorite place in Dallas, and A-Magda, with a furrowed brow, asks where.  He says she wouldn’t know it because she’s too “classy.”  Three guesses where they’re going, and the first two don’t count!  Correctimondo, folks!  BOOBYLICIOUS!

Good thing A-Magda works there.  Otherwise, she might be highly insulted that THIS is where you chose to bring her on your first date.

The men in the restaurant all call out her name when she walks in, and Cool Hand Luke is sufficiently impressed.  The hostess asks where Amanda found him, and he explains that he was naked and she hit him.  HAHAHAHA!!!!  My thoughts are brought to life by the hostess who basically calls A-Magda kinky.  Embarrassed, she asks for Table 12, and on their way, explains that she doesn’t party there…. She makes her living there.  Cool Hand Luke puts the pieces together, asking if she’s the one who humiliated Queen B in church for owning the place, saying he loves her for doing so!  And I love that he doesn’t like his sister!  Long live sibling rivalry, and many more opportunities to see Queen B and Cool Hand Luke go at it.  A-Magda orders, fills him on her alcoholism, and they cut a rug out on the dance floor to Blake Shelton’s Honey Bee.  He’s practically sweeping her off her feet, and it must be said.  Their chemistry on screen is RIDICULOUS!!!  I’m trying to make jokes here, but all I’m coming up with unadulterated swooning!  It’s fantastic!

Seriously, how can you poke fun at this?  You don’t get any closer to white knights and valiant steeds than Texas!

Meanwhile, Mom Mary Jo and Uncle Berl are on their own date.  He tries to take her out of the house to do some stargazing, but she’s fighting him every step of the way.  Finally she breaks free and runs inside, closing the door.  The outside lights go off, and she reemerges wrapped up in a red velvet cape, handing Berl a red hunting cap as a disguise.  Really?

There’s only one man who truly owns a cloak of invisibility, and he actually IS from Hogwarts.

If you were hoping to deflect attention, you’ve managed to achieve the polar opposite.  Walking around naked would be less conspicuous.  Wanna know why?  Because with all the wrinkles and sagging flesh, everyone would instinctively look away.  She pulls him into the yard to hide amongst the bushes.

From across the street, Queen B gossips on the phone with GCBeard while climbing up on the desk by the window to spy, using her night vision rifle scope.

Why not just install surveillance cameras and keep tabs on your neighbors 24/7.

Except Queen B mistakes Mom Mary Jo and Uncle Berl fooling around in the bushes for A-Magda and Luke.  She does, however, pick up on the costumes, something GCBeard is very familiar with… Red Riding Hood role play.  Bet they didn’t have those costumes in the Bible book store.  Queen B sees them kissing, asking Jesus to wipe that filthy scene from her memory.  Considering she caught her son masturbating just last week, this just seems like crazy exaggeration.  GCBeard calls her to action, imploring her to put a stop to it, and Queen B reminds herself that she is, after all, head of the neighborhood watch.  Yeah, we already established that, what with her vast collection of binoculars and scopes of all shapes, sizes and magnifying strengths.

Be very very quiet…. I’m hunting rabbits.

Cut to rustling bushes, flashing lights, and a Hillside Park cop car pulling up, calling from the bullhorn for them to come out with their hands up.  HA!  They would have been better off going to Paris!

After the commercial, Mom Mary Jo sulks as Uncle Berl makes the same point I just did, soothing her with false promises that their secret is safe.  At that moment, A-Magda and Cool Hand Luke run in, making sure they’re ok, startled by the cop car pulling out of the driveway.  Mom Mary Jo tries to save face and gloss over their recently suffered humiliation, but Uncle Berl has a sense of humor about it, saying his heart is fine, though it’s beating real fast.  Maybe not so much after Mom Mary Jo elbows him in the ribs.  He calls it a night, kissing Mom Mary Jo gallantly on the hand.  Cool Hand Luke tries to do likewise, but with a more adult natured kiss.  A-Magda, suddenly reserved, cock blocks him by extend her hand for a shake.

That’s what you get for taking her to Boobylicious!  Or she doesn’t wanna jump your bones in front of an audience.

Mom Mary Jo goes to escape, but A-Magda knows something’s up, probably by all the brush stuck to the back of the velvet cape.

Now I get it!  She didn’t need the cape as a disguise!  She brought it so that she wouldn’t get dirt all over her couture dress!  DUH!

Mom Mary Jo tells her daughter not to dare judge her, deflecting attention by calling that handshake appalling.  You’ll get no arguments from me!  I was hoping A-Magda would be doing a whole different kind of pulling, if for no other reason than to see Cool Hand Luke without a shirt on.  Not to worry, though.  A-Magda has no interest in judging.  The two collapse on the staircase, giddy over the wonderful evenings they just had with two great guys.  AWWWW!!!  It’s so sweet, I could get a cavity.  Also, a shoe is about to drop, because happiness like this never lasts long in soaps.

Night turns to day, and Philandering Zach shows up at the police station as Sharon and Pastor Hunk escort Bozeman out from getting picked up for rolling through a stop sign and driving without a license.  The former amounts to a $125 ticket.  The latter should only be a ticket, as well, although I guess there’s justification to arrest him if he’s a minor.  Then there’s the whole “borrowing” the car thing.  Pastor Hunk took care of the whole thing, but Sharon is just fed up, especially when he gives a female cop the international sign for “call me.”  Seriously?  She’s a cop, and you’re underage.  Stick to the sorority girls.

Wouldn’t you be oversexed if you just spent the last few months with just dudes in a military academy?

Sharon tries to get Bozeman to volunteer at the church as punishment, prompting him to whine about how this isn’t what he had in mind when he agreed to come home.  OH SNAP!  Cat’s out of the bag!  Zach brought him home to coerce Sharon to quit her job at the church.  A full on family fight breaks out, and Pastor Hunk has to jump in to calm everyone down, suggesting they go home and deal with their issues as a family.  Sharon, however, wants no part of it.  She has responsibilities at the church fundraiser, sending the boys home for Zach to clean up his own mess.  Sharon grabs Pastor Hunk’s arm and walks off.

Yeah, that’s smart.  Leave the guy who tried to cheat on you in charge of dealing with your teenage son’s hormone overload.

A-Magda is doing her nails for her date with Cool Hand Luke when her phone rings.  On the other end is Queen B, lounging on the couch across the street, looking like the cat that just ate the canary.  Also on the line is GCBeard because she was, after all, an ear witness to the elderly bush tossing going on the previous night.

We could end up being sisters-in-law!

Over my dead body!

And then I would get all the solos at church!

With Aunt Bitsy not even cold in the ground, Queen B makes a nasty connotation about morals and behavior of mother and daughter.  A-Magda suddenly has an epiphany, realizing that Queen B was the one who called the cops.  Queen B says she was only doing her neighborly duty, talking about how important Mom Mary Jo’s reputation is in the community and how much she doesn’t want her name dragged through the mud.  And that’s why Queen B will keep it all under wraps as long as A-Magda agrees to stop dating her brother.  THAT BITCH!!!!  A-Magda calls blackmail, but Queen B points out that blackmail isn’t mentioned in the bible.  Besides, she’s not interested in blackmail, just a fair trade.  Silence for abstinence.  NOOOOOOOOOO!  Queen B hangs up, and A-Magda slams her phone down in defeat, left to choose being romantic possibilities with a great guy and her mother’s social standing.  Unfortunately, I know which side is gonna win, and it’s not one that’ll fuel my fantasies for days to come.  In the immortal word of Nancy Kerrigan, “WHHHHHYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!”

Cut to the doorbell ringing, and Cool Hand Luke, dressed handsomely in a suit.  A clearly dressed down A-Magda lets him in, dropping the bomb that she has to cancel.  She says that he should go on ahead without her, but he doesn’t care about the fundraiser.  He just wants to be with her.  SWOON!

Withstanding waterboarding is easier than resisting his charms.

Man, this sucks, and you can see it all over A-Magda’s face.  She gets harsh with him, saying that she’s decided things between them are never going to work, listing all the reasons she’s manufactured, despite the fact that he’s absolutely amazing.  A crushed Cool Hand Luke heads out the door, and a depressed A-Magda collapses against it.

Later on, A-Magda does the tried and true wallowing in a carton of ice cream and a bottle of Hershey’s syrup.

After this, I’m going upstairs to play with my Trojan Vibrations.

Mom Mary Jo enters, dressed for the fundraiser, and she asks A-Magda when Luke is picking her up.  She responds that he’s not, and she’s not going, lying through her teeth about him having to get back to Austin to deal with some solar energy crisis.  Mom Mary Jo, not buying it for a second, points out that solar panels don’t work at nighttime, and asks if Luke hurt her.  A-Magda immediately denies that, vaguely putting the blame squarely where it belongs—on Queen B.  In response, Mom Mary Jo forces A-Magda to get dressed for the fundraiser.  She may have screwed things up with Luke, but Mom Mary Jo still needs her as her escort.  She can’t rightly show up on the arm of a very recent widower.

Time for the church fundraiser, already in full swing.  Queen B and GCBeard approach Heather, showering her with backhanded compliments and forgiving her for banning them from the stage.  GCBeard can understand why she was denied the opportunity to sing, but poor Queen B.  At least she should be allowed to perform… after all, how long is her voice gonna last??!?!?  HAHAHAH!!!!  Also, FOREVER (hopefully)!  LOVE YOU, KC!   Heather points out the purpose of the event, and sometimes, you have to step aside for the greater good.  They pray for poor Heather, that she doesn’t gag on her first taste of power, or the events’ colossal failure when Heather falls woefully short of the $3 mil goal.  GCBeard says it’s a good thing that she’s such a numbers whiz, because those numbers are gonna have to be cooked!  BRILLIANT!!!

Good luck with that, Heather!

Just then Adorkable Andrew arrives with two glasses of wine as the lights dim and a drum roll arises from the stage as Sheryl Crow (UGH!) steps out into the spotlight.

I know you were hoping for Taylor Swift or Lady Antebellum, but I’m still a star, right?

The shock on Queen B and GCBeard’s faces is priceless, as they basically, and pun fully intended, eat mad crow in that moment!  I’ve never really been a fan, to be honest, and I’d much rather Queen B and GCBeard have a diva-off up on stage right about now.  Sheryl Crow introduces herself, and thanks the generous COUPLE who brought her there, singling out Heather and Adorkable Andrew together.  Heather eats up the attention and adulations, but Andrew just looks awkward and uncomfortable.

Unexpected gas pains or the realization that you’re being used?

Huge red flag here, and one that doesn’t bode well for Tom Everett Scott’s future on the show.  Sheryl Crow asks everyone to get out their checkbooks and raise some money.  As she starts to play, Heather puts her arms around GCBeard and Queen B to gloat and Adorkable Andrew slinks away in shame.

Fundraising event ticket-$50.  Donation to the church’s education center-$1,000.  Triumphing over your rivals-Priceless.

Meanwhile, Philandering Zach barges into the church as the benefit concert rages outside to confront Pastor Hunk about his true intentions towards his wife. He asks, point blank, if the Pastor is interested in his wife, to which he quickly responds in the affirmative.  Zach’s face drops at the frankness, and Pastor Hunk continues that he’s interested in Sharon the same way he’s interested in Zach.  The classic misunderstanding sends Zach into a brief gay panic before Pastor Hunk finally explains himself accurately.  He’s interested in their spiritual well being, not their sexual prowess.  Zach asks why it is, then, that Sharon seems so interested in Pastor Hunk.  The wise beyond his years piece of adorable beefcake says that Sharon is discovering herself through her job at the church.  Zach asks Pastor Hunk to turn her around and head her back home, but just then, Sharon comes in with another fly in the Bozeman ointment.  Apparently, Sheryl Crow’s manager found Bozeman and Alexandra doing the nasty on her tour bus.  Zach starts freaking out about his plan to bring Bozeman home to fix things is now backfiring, and Pastor Hunk uses the situation to explain to him what’s going on with Sharon.  Fixing things is Zach’s role in the marriage, and Sharon is attracted to people who fix things, like Pastor Hunk.  Come on, though… it has nothing to do with his goofy hot smile or broad shoulders?  Sharon is shocked that Zach could ever think she, or anyone, would ever be attracted to a pastor.

What is this… The Thorn Birds?

HOV Lane to Hell, indeed, Sharon!  Poor Pastor Hunk, though.  We now know that their religious denomination is one that allows ministers to marry.  Can we get Pastor Hunk a love interest, STAT?  Another screaming match breaks out between the two, and Pastor Hunk again has to break it up, telling Zach to fix the problems and Sharon to go home.  She’s hurt, countering that he needs her help, and Pastor Hunk quickly responds that he doesn’t. Briefest of pauses for him to realize what he said, then recovering nicely by saying he doesn’t need her as much as her family does.  Good save there, Pastor Hunk!

Over in another part of the church, Heather fixes the event gift bags while Adorkable Andrew approaches looking forlorn.  He makes small talk about the food, and Heather remarks about how incredible Sheryl is.  That point is debatable, but instead of a spirited discussion about her place in the annuls of music legend, Adorkable Andrew sadly picks a bone with Heather.

Would you still wanna be with me if my bank account wasn’t in the double digits and I didn’t have Sheryl Crow on speed dial?

He just wanted her to drop his name with Sheryl, not attach her wagon to his money and power and ride into town like the Music Man.  Heather doesn’t understand—they’re a couple and she’s proud to link her name with his.  Of course she is.  She’s not the one getting taken advantage of.  Harsh, but appropriate, even though it was mostly unintentional on Heather’s part, I think.  Andrew says he already had a wife more interested in power and status than in him, and he doesn’t want to deal with that again.  Heather insists that that’s not her, but Andrew isn’t so sure, and he basically breaks up with her.  Yep, saw this coming.  Poor Heather.

Back outside, Queen B saunters up to Mom Mary Jo, Uncle Berl and A-Magda’s table to say hello and silently gloat over the success of her manipulations.  Mom Mary Jo calls her out on Luke dumping A-Magda at the last minute.  A-Magda glosses over it, not wanting to talk about it, simply explaining that they “failed to launch.”  I saw that movie, and trust me, there was more chemistry in the 7 minutes of screen time shared by A-Magda and Cool Hand Luke than 90 of suffering through Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey. Queen B and A-Magda talk over each other as to where Cool Hand Luke has disappeared to, but Uncle Berl blows the story out of the water by saying he’s back at the house like a heart sick puppy dog staring at his pants.  Mom Mary Jo smells an outhouse rat, looking directly at Queen B who quickly excuses herself to convert a table of turbans.

I’m just gonna go before I’m forced to explain my manipulations.

Mom Mary Jo pulls A-Magda aside to get the truth, and A-Magda lies about then not hitting it off.  Mom Mary Jo calls bullshit, knowing when her daughter is happy.  Finally, A-Magda fesses up to cancelling the date in order to save Mom Mary Jo the scandal of her tryst with Uncle Berl becoming public knowledge and gossip fodder.

It’s ok, mom.  You would have done the same thing for me, right?…. RIGHT?!?!

Mom Mary Jo feels guilty as A-Magda puts her mother’s needs before hers, saying that it’s ok.  Mom Mary Jo, however, thinks they can both have their beefcake and eat it too.  HAHAHA!!!!  Yes, yes you can.

Up on stage, Sheryl Crow announces that the fundraising goal of $3 mil has been reached as Pastor Hunk puts the last little church symbol up on the board.  He approaches the microphone to thank Heather and Andrew again, and the camera cuts to Heather trying to hide her tears.  AWWWW!!!  Meanwhile, Mom Mary Jo grabs Uncle Berl and pulls him with her up on stage to hijack the spotlight from Sheryl Crow.  Now with everyone’s attention, she makes an announcement.  There’s a time for rules and manners, but there’s also a time to grab the bull by the horns and do what you wanna do, and public scorn be damned.  To everything, turn, turn, turn.  She says that now is one of those times, and she grabs Uncle Berl and kisses him!  Queen B and GCBeard are shocked, A-Magda is proud, and Sheryl Crow is slightly turned on.

It stops being blackmail when you lose your leverage.

After the event, a teenage sexual intervention takes place at Sharon’s house.  GCBeard scolds Bozeman for corrupting Alexandra, telling him he’s lucky GCBlake is “tied up” at the ranch.  The double meaning there is hilarious and delicious!  Sharon apologizes profusely for her son’s behavior while Bozeman and Alexandra maintain lustful eye contact.

It was totally worth getting sent back to military school for.

GCBeard whines that her daughter’s reputation is in tatters, and I wonder just how much more it could have been destroyed after her wardrobe malfunction a few weeks back.  She points a stern finger towards Bozeman, warning him to stay away from Alexandra.  He gives the standard polite reply of Yes Ma’am.  Alexandra looks devastated by this, but Bozeman makes the phone symbol with his hand, promising to call her, and Alexandra is elated again.  Philandering Zach puts his foot down, demanding his son apologize to Alexandra, GCBeard, AND Sheryl Crow.  I doubt Sheryl Crow cares, but whatever.  Better on her tour bus than somewhere in the church.  GCBeard suggests he can send apology notes from his next boarding school… an excellent academy in Wasilla, Alaska with an excellent abstinence program. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Yeah, cause that worked out so well for Bristol.  Or Levi for that matter!  What’s this about him getting another chick preggers?  GCB meets 16 and Pregnant!  I’m down for that very special episode!

Maybe I’ll get pregnant and our parents will force us to get married.

Sharon intervenes, saying they just got their son back, begging for mercy.  Zach puts his foot down, finally, saying Bozeman is not going anywhere, but he needs to start respecting the rules and the female population.  He’s gonna stay at home, maintain a 2.5 GPA, work 3 days after school at the dealership where he can keep an eye on his son, and inform his parents of any girls, or women, he might be getting involved with.  Bozeman takes the punishment in stride, dutifully apologizing to Alexandra for leading her astray, not that she cares. Damn, that must have been one powerful first orgasm.  Then, he apologizes to GCBeard, flashing her some of that lady-killing mojo.

Don’t worry, GCBeard.  You can break off a piece of this, too, if you want.

I know this feeling all too well.

And lo and behold, GCBeard gets flushed, and no doubt wet.  HAHAHAHA!!!!  Jailbait alert, GCBeard!  Go take another lesson from Tae Kwon Hoe!  GCBeard and Alexandra take their leave, and Zach is proud of himself for dealing with the situation.  And as for Sharon… well, she thinks it’s time for bed.  Apparently someone else got wet down there, too.

Looks like someone’s marital problems are over.

Makenzie and Bozeman back up, disgusted at the sexual attraction going on in front of them, while Sharon and Zach take leave to the bedroom.

And finally, A-Magda shows up at Queen B’s house to talk to Cool Hand Luke.  Luckily, she caught him before he left town, seeing as how his car is fixed and everything.  She asks what she owes him for the repairs, and he coldly asks for an explanation as to why she’s there.

I’m just a girl, standing before a boy, asking him to love her.

A-Magda goes the cute route, reintroducing herself, apologizing for her behavior and begging for them to start over.  She tries to pass the buck, rightly so, off on Queen B, but dating him means dealing with his sister.  He may dislike and disapprove of Queen B, but she’s still family.  A-Magda agrees, humbly asking for a 2^nd chance, and much to my delight, and no doubt the delight of 98.3% of the viewing audience, Cool Hand Luke relents.  She might be the best thing to happen to him after all.  A-Magda is thrilled, and the flirting begins in earnest.  She extends her hand again, offering to shake on it.  Cool Hand Luke reciprocates the gesture, making meaningful eye contact with her.  Then he takes the bull by the proverbial horns, pulls A-Magda into his strong arms and kisses her deeply and passionately.

I’m sure this romance is destined for failure, but I hope that doesn’t happen until the 6th or 7th season.

SWOOON!!!!  And fade to black.

And there you have it, folks.  This was, by far, the best episode yet!  The situations are still being wrapped up way too neatly by the end of each episode, but I’m starting to get the sense that it’s all laying the foundation for future storylines.  As the characters interact more, the situations become more complex, which will ultimately lead to the soap opera flow we all know and love.  The humor is so sharp, and the sentiment behind it is becoming as three dimensional as the characters.  Brava, GCB!  What did y’all think?  Is Zach finally over his Philandering ways?  Will Bozeman take both Alexandra and her mother to bed?  How will Queen B screw up A-Magda and Cool Hand Luke’s budding relationship?  Was GCBlake figuratively or literally tied up over at the ranch?  How much time does Mom Mary Jo have with Uncle Berl before his ticker gives out?  And who will show up to win Pastor Hunk’s lonely heart?  And speaking of, any thoughts on what religious denomination Hillside Park United Memorial falls under?  Ministers can marry, and they wear collars.  Did Stephen Collins wear a collar on 7^th Heaven?  Put your suggestions in the comments.  See y’all next week!