I don’t know what it is about Texas, but I can’t seem to get enough. First, Friday Night Lights. Then, Most Eligible Dallas. Now, I complete the Longhorn Trilogy by taking ABC’s heir apparent to the Desperate Housewives throne—Good Christian Bitches Belles. And that title is exactly why the networks are failing, across the board, where scripted series are concerned. Trying to be edgy while trying to hold the censors at bay works about as well as a Sigfried and Roy’s White Bengal Tiger stage show. It’s amazing until someone gets mauled within an inch of their life in front of a horrified yet transfixed audience.
But enough about those flamboyant gays. GCB is ABC’s attempt to recreate the magic of the first season of Desperate Housewives. Pssst, if Marc Cherry couldn’t do it on his own show with 7 subsequent seasons, chances are good this one will fall flat as well. However, I’m excited about this show for two reasons. First, the return of Kristen Chenoweth to my television on a weekly basis. She was the best part of one of my favorite shows of all times, Pushing Daisies. I have high hopes for her here. Second, the combination of religion and soap operatic melodrama. I can’t help but get giddy of the prospect of a weekly deconstruction of the glaring double standards and inherent hatefulness of those who wield the bible as a weapon.
Indulge me a brief moment atop my soapbox. While I consider myself a spiritual person, I do not consider myself a religious one. My upbringing in the Roman Catholic Church taught me many things, including guilt, prejudice, greed and moral superiority. As I grew wiser, and as I grew to discover and eventually except my homosexuality, I realized that the humble and pious members of my church were really judgmental bigots and small minded, intolerant hypocrites. Suffice it to say, I abandoned my “faith” and chose, instead, to *GASP* actually follow the Church’s teachings and accept and love myself, and others, for who we are and how God made us. And…… I’m done.
Back to the show. The show opens up a hot guy emptying piles of cash out of a safe and fleeing to Mexico with a floozy in an ugly print dress. As they drive down the California coast, the slut decides that it’s time to find out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of his lollipop of questionable size.
You know she’s hoping it’s not many more than 3.
And based on the car he’s driving and billions of dollars he claims to have, I’d guess it’s about as big as his pinky finger. But any good golddigger knows, size doesn’t matter, unless you’re talking about bank accounts or bling. Not that it matters at all anymore, because the hot dude promptly puts his head back to enjoy the BJ, clearly forgetting he’s in the process of operating a motor vehicle. And just as promptly, he drives the car off of the road into an embankment, the cash floating around in the breeze.
Not exactly the climax he was hoping for.
Cut to the aftermath 3 months later, where we find out that the dude was a mastermind of an Enron sized ponzi scheme, and his widow, Amanda Vaughn is left to pick up the pieces. The Feds have seized their McMansion and all their worldly possessions are being hauled out to auction. Her lawyer arrives in time to pad his billable hours so that he can listen to Amanda’s diatribe about how she needs a place to live, but under no circumstances can she go back to live with her mother in Dallas. Suddenly, the doors slam, the house is empty, and Amanda, with no other options, calls up her mother.
Homeless or Dallas… talk about Sophie’s choice.
Cue the country music and montage of Texas inspired visuals. Just like that, Amanda and her two kids pull into the driveway of her mother’s sprawling estate. Only in television can you be financially ruined and STILL be in the lap of luxury and privilege. Two guard dogs, named Tony and Romo (HAHAHAHAHA!!!!) attack the car, and out comes Annie Potts, or Mary Jo Schively as most of my generation knows her, to welcome the Prodigal Daughter home from her sinful escapades in the nation’s most liberal state. God bless the TV Guide network for airing reruns of Designing Women.
I predict guest starring roles for Jean Smart, Delta Burke and Meshach Taylor.
Time for exposition. We get our first glimpse of Kristen Chenoweth as Carlene, peeking through the window from her own lavish home across the street.
Enter the arch nemesis.
While Amanda unpacks the car, this good Christian woman of Dallas immediately activates the Ladies Auxillary phone tree. Sharon chows down on a candy bar while Cricket assembles her personal Amanda Vaughn burn book scrap book and Heather hammers a self-promoting real estate sign into a lawn.
Adult Mean Girl #1 – The Fatty
Adult Mean Girl #2 – The Bitter
Adult Mean Girl #3 – The Outsider
Through their gossip, we learn that Amanda was the Regina George to their respective Janis Ians, and it looks like they are each holding their respective grudges. After discussing in great detail the scandal and tragedy befallen Amanda, Carleen whips out the first of many delicious jabs at the holy roller community, saying that it’s not appropriate to speak of such things on the phone. Instead, she’ll see ‘em at church. LOVE IT! Then she grabs a pair of binoculars and a step stool to get a better vantage point for her amateur spying.
Back across the street, Amanda and her kids settle in to grandma’s palace, and the exposition continues as Amanda’s daughter starts thumbing through Amanda’s high school year book. We learn that Amanda was the queen of the Longhorn Ball.
I bet she didn’t break the plastic crown into several pieces so that all the ugly and fat girls could share in her victory.
Carlene was ugly, and Amanda cut her from the cheerleading squad for having bad skin.
Couldn’t they photoshop a high school yearbook photo that looks a little more like KC and less like Betty Suarez?
Conversely, Sharon used to be “Most Beautiful” and a front runner for Miss Teen Dallas until Amanda told the judges she wasn’t a virgin. Thus began her love affair with Ben and Jerry and all things caloric.
The T&T circuit can be vicious! Just ask DearCrabby!
Heather was the poor girl and the gossip hound who turned her talent for learning and trading secrets into a lucrative career in residential real estate.
Because Cruz isn’t Mexican enough, they had to invoke the memory of Selena, as played by J-Lo.
And finally, there’s Cricket, who suffered in high school when Amanda spread around a rumor that she had herpes.
Finally, some real Texas hair!
Point being, Amanda was the quintessential mean girl, and now the chickens have come home to roost.
Day turns to night and the distant relationship between Amanda and her mom becomes even more clear when Mom Mary Jo offers up a glass of wine only to find out that Amanda is now 18 months sober. After hilariously asking why, she rolls with it, suggesting the Episcopal AA meetings over the Baptists. I know there’s a joke in there, but I don’t know enough about the Protestants to find it, nor do I really care. If the Catholic Church is black and white, the Protestants are the million shades of grey in between, and really, isn’t it all basically the same? Amanda’s son, Will, gets to sleep in the gun room. Don’t worry, though, the guns are all locked up. He and Amanda have a sweet moment, and you get the sense that they’re close, and maybe, Amanda is a good mom. Amanda’s plan—to get a job in decorating because she’s good at it even though she has no formal education or experience. Yeah, good luck with that. Also, Sugarbakers was located in Atlanta. Sorryboutit.
Night turns to day, and this day happens to be Sunday. Mom Mary Jo insists they go to church. Cut to the church where Amanda walks in, arguing that she raised her kids to discover religion and spirituality on their own terms.
Like any sinner walking into the House of the Lord, she waiting to be struck down by lightning.
And just like a true religious zealot, Mom Mary Jo shoots her down, telling Amanda to cut the Commie crap! HAHAHA! Her kids are going to church so that they can go to heaven. End of story. They take their seats mid announcement, and Carlene, noticing Amanda’s arrival, offers up a prayer to the congregation. And because this shit is brilliant, let’s hear Carlene’s prayer, shall we?
I seem pious because of the robes, but I’m really just a bitch.
“This week, let us remember the parable of the Prodigal son, or in our case, daughter. We are overjoyed at the return of one of our own back into the fold. Let us open our hearts in support of her as she struggles to pick up the pieces of her shattered, tragic life, and keep us ever mindful of the humiliation of sin, degradation, and lack of moral decency. It is not ours to judge.”
Also, Carlene’s married name is Cockburn. Let’s just stop and let that bit of heavy handed wordplay sink in. Although, Cricket was supposedly the one with herpes. Just saying.
Why does this pic make me think of The Grey, when Liam Neeson is about to fight with wolves with broken shot bottles taped to his knuckles.
After the service, the Adult Mean Girls pounce, welcoming Amanda back for good, and not evil. <Rimshot> Cricket offers up a cold, condescending air kiss. Zack shows up and immediately fawns over Amanda, much to the chagrin of his wife, Fatty Sharon.
Carlene and Sharon’s kids on the left. A horny husband with a mind for infidelity on the right.
Zack clearly still holds a torch for Amanda, and Sharon is still clearly jealous. Let’s mark this down in our memories for later. Next up is Cowboy, Cricket’s husband, whose name we’re not given at this point. Cowboy and Amanda were good friends of some sort, based on their mutually warm reunion.
And you, sir, are the reason why cowboys are so fucking sexy!
Cricket quickly swoops in to thank Amanda for stealing Bill away from her back in high school. Otherwise, Cricket might be the one broke and humiliated right now. Off to the side, Carlene’s oversexed husband joins her, all turned on by her Sunday School lesson about the downfall of lust, obviously having missed the point entirely.
Keep it in your pants, buddy. Until you get out of church at least!
On their way out of church, Amanda can’t believe the hostility radiating towards her. How can people stay the same as they were in high school? The answer, Amanda, is when they never leave high school. Cut to the Adult Mean Girls (AGM’s) looking over their shoulders at Amanda and laughing heartily. And posted on the church sign out front, the message, “You reap what you sow.”
Or, as Amanda translates for her son, it’s Texan for karma.
The next morning, presumably, Amanda suddenly has 4 job interviews lined up. Mom Mary Jo can’t understand why feels the need to get a job when she’s completely prepared to foot the bill. Little Boy Will brings her a huge bloody mary, and Amanda chastises her mom for teaching her teenage kid to mix drinks. To Mom Mary Jo, this will make him employable, which is interesting since she doesn’t want her grown ass daughter to work. I guess, in Texas, women aren’t supposed to work. The argument is cut short by screams coming from outside, where Amanda’s daughter has apparently stepped right into a Lexus commercial.
Either they’re trying to say that people really do give $80K cars as gifts, or they’re making fun of it. Either way, the bow is a nice touch.
A car sits in the driveway with a huge bow and an oversized card on the windshield that, when opened, reads, “ from a secret admirer.”
Damn, how do I get me one of those!
Carlene, from across the street, spies the scene while going to grap the paper in hot pink hot pants and platform heels. She runs back inside to get a better look through a telescope and jump start the gossip mill.
Even spying is bigger in Texas. That, or Kristen Chenoweth is just really that small.
Apparently, the car is from Sharon’s husband’s car dealership. Well, that didn’t take long. Sharon is now charged with finding out who gave the car to Amanda. Meanwhile, over at Cricket’s office, Cowboy drops off sketches for their “Western Wear” division. So, either they’re in the fashion business, or the kiddie pageant business… both of which are pretty big in Texas. Cricket can’t believe that corduroy is back, but Cowboy claims that everyone’s ass looks good in corduroy. Well, one thing comes across loud and clear.
Gay Exhibit A. No way in hell is this dude straight.
Cowboy is a flaming homosexual!!!!!! Oh, this is gonna be good! The photographers arrive for the Longhorn Ball photoshoot, and Cowboy proves my point by picking out a powder blue cowboy hat for Cricket to bring out her eyes. Cricket gossips about Amanda’s new car, then mentions the reservations she made for dinner. Cowboy apologizes, saying he’ll be out “at the ranch.” Cricket, no doubt used to being blown off by her husband, says she’ll just work out instead with Jorge.
Fatty Sharon calls up Carlene to report back that the car was purchased with cash and therefore untraceable. Except there’s going to be paperwork and DMV registrations and all that jazz. Personally, I think Fatty Sharon is just lazy. Girl, just go to the bank and check out your personal accounts. I’d be willing to wager your husband made a curious cash withdrawal suspiciously similar to the cost of a new car.
Meanwhile, Mom Mary Jo wants Amanda to keep the car and accept it like she would a bouquet of flowers. Amanda, however, just wants to lay low and deflect attention away from the scandal surrounding her. Mom Mary Jo harps on the good Christian values she instilled in her daughter to not be rude in returning a gift. Amanda, losing patience, threatens to move her kids to a refrigerator box under the interstate if Mom doesn’t return the car and to quit it with the bartending lessons going on with her son. Mom, none too pleased, suggests the I-20, which probably runs straight through the ghetto.
On her way into a job interview, Amanda takes a call from Heather, who offers to help with finding her a house. An unsuspecting Amanda divulges the amount of her court mandated living allowance, which Heather promptly shows to Carlene. Heather jokes that she can’t even afford indoor plumbing. Carlene promptly points out that neither could Jesus. But, hey, if Jesus could turn water into wine, chances are good that He could also turn urine into martinis and turds into olives.
Silly, Amanda! For someone who claims to be the Ultimate Mean Girl, you’re pretty susceptible to their dastardly machinations.
Suddenly, Amanda and Heather are standing in the front yard of a god awful house with plastic furniture on the lawn and about 100 yards away from the end of the airport’s runway. At this point, shame on Amanda for trusting one of the AMG’s. Just then, Sharon’s husband calls with news regarding the secret admirer, but not over the phone. He wants her to go into his office. Yeah, probably to make a pass at her.
Meanwhile, Carlene chats with her husband on the phone.
Hello, Bobby Ewing! Nice to know you hang to the right!
Are we surprised at all that she’s getting her car detailed with “John 3:16?” Also, are we surprised that she chose this moment to be there? While she waits for her car, she takes advantage of the dealership’s spa services when Amanda walks in and lets herself into Zach’s office. She asks who sent her the car, but Zach shuffles over to close the door behind her, admitting that he has no idea. Carlene shuffles over to listen at the door. Inside, Zack closes the blinds and begins his awkward attempt at seduction.
Talk about putting the cart before the horse! At least try to warm her up before trying to have an affair with her!
He says that he wishes he thought to send her the car and proceeds to profess his love for her. Carlene, who can’t hear anything at the door, rushes out to her car and pulls up outside office window just in time to see Zach go in for the kill. Amanda pulls away from him and storms out while Carlene speeds off.
After commercial, Carlene shares this juicy tidbit of gossip with Bobby Ewing, who surprisingly becomes the voice of reason, advising her to keep her mouth shut and to pray for Sharon. Then they have sex on the desk in his office.
Many an elderly lady will recognize this fantasy from his days on JAG, over on CBS.
I never understood the whole sex at the office thing. Don’t other people work there? Won’t they get a whiff of the stale pungent aroma of sweat and other bodily secretions? And speaking of Bobby Ewing, Dallas is apparently coming back to TV for a new, younger generation, complete with Patrick Duffy and Larry Hagman. If there’s no conflict, I’d like to lay claim to recapping that show, too! Make it happen, Flipit!
Back at home, Amanda is horrified to walk in on Mom Mary Jo “Texifying” her sweet impressionable little girl with ridiculously teased hair and a tight blouse to show off her amazing, and amazingly real teenage breasts… and no outfit in Texas is complete without the short shorts.
Looks and cup size are just as important in the Bible Belt as they are in Beverly Hills.
In the middle of all the arguing, the requisite Mexi-Maid runs in all aflutter, yelling for them to come outside quick, where a delivery van is unloading an obscene amount of presents from Neiman Marcus, including a new wardrobe and stacks of gift wrapped boxes.
Not as good as Ed McMahon showing up with a Publisher’s Clearinghouse check, but it’ll do.
The Secret Admirer strikes again, but Amanda sends it all back, except for one emerald green gown Mom Mary Jo snags before Amanda pulls her back into the house. And of course, Carlene looks from across the street, dying to know what the hell is going on. She gets on the phone and orders Sharon to pull together a gift basket, because they’re about to pay Amanda a visit.
Mom Mary Jo drops off a gift card, replacing all the stuff she returned. Amanda doesn’t want it, insisting on living a simpler life, but Mom Mary Jo wants her to put herself out there and find herself another meal ticket. Because that worked out so well for her the first time around.
Later that night, Heather arrives in time to be ambushed by Amanda, who has found over a dozen reasonable listings she can afford, thanks to the internet and some research. Heather apologizes for taking her house hunting in the ghetto, and Amanda apologizes for the cruel shit she pulled in high school. Heather is about to warn her about something, but the welcome wagon arrives at the door with a small winery in tow.
We just wanted to drop in to welcome you to the neighbor, lord ourselves superiorly over you, and generally add to your total humiliation.
After a few zingers belitting Amanda’s sobriety, the AMG’s barge their way in. When Heather sticks up for Amanda, Carlene threatens to pull all the business, and resulting commissions, she sends Heather’s way, quoting the bible in the process. Ahhhh, now these are the good Christian values I’m used to!
Over drinks, the girls discuss plastic surgery over wine, and Carlene quickly cuts to the chase, mentioning she saw Amanda at the dealership with Zack. Sharon, feeling considerably threatened, pounces, but the conversation shifts to all the lavish gifts being showered on her by the mysterious mystery man. The AMG’s press for info, but Amanda isn’t forthcoming, and shocked at how much they all know. Finally, Amanda firmly kicks them out (it’s a school night!), but not before Carlene spies, and then steals, the NM gift card off the table. Um… given the amount, couldn’t that be considered a felony?
The AGM’s gather at Fudgy Freeze to debrief. Sharon consoles herself with a monster banana split, convinced that Amanda is after her husband. Carlene stirs the pot by pulling out the gift card and manipulating Sharon to use it to find out who sent all the gifts. The next morning, she walks into Neiman Marcus to ask who about it, under the tissue paper thin guise of sending a proper thank you note. The customer service person promptly notifies her that she’s got just under $100K left on the card. When the guy asks for ID, Sharon panics and runs out of the building, yelling after Carlene to drive it like she stole it. And in a sense, she did. The gift card, I mean. Because that’s gotta be how Neiman Marcus views what just happened.
Later on, Carlene and Cricket are working out with Jorge, gossiping over the gift card fiasco. Cricket hopes that Amanda won’t find out what they did. Cut to Neiman Marcus playing back the security footage for an incredulous Amanda. The security guard suggests calling the police. Cut back to Carlene saying that Amanda would have downright shot someone for doing this to her in high school. Back to Amanda, who doesn’t want to get the law involved. It was just a silly misunderstanding. See, she’s a changed woman. Utter humiliation will do that to a person. Back at pilates, Carlene “accidentally” lets the bomb drop to Cricket about Zach and Amanda kissing, then goes all Illuminati on us, begging Jorge to hurt her.
Self-flagellation is a bit much, don’t you think?
Silly Carlene, you’re not Catholic, and even if you were, corporal punishment was done away with back in the 80’s after child abuse became taboo. Jorge obliges while Cricket babbles on, letting some compassion slip by suggesting that even Amanda isn’t capable of something like that. Ever the queen bee, Carlene brings up the herpes rumor from back in high school, to which Jorge promptly washes his hands with a liberal amount of Purell.
Um… where have your hands been that you think you’ve got herpes on them?
However, as any teenage victim of a mean girl will attest, vicious gossip is their weapon of choice, and no amount of Purcell can neutralize the ill effects of one good believable rumor.
We check in with Amanda on one of her job interviews, where her vision is praised, but unfortunately, they’re not hiring.
It’s totally because of the bad economy that I can’t hire you. It has nothing to do with the fact that you were a bitch in high school and some pretty powerful people in the community have a vendetta to settle.
After Amanda walks out dejected, the boss lady calls Cricket to report back. In exchange, Cricket promises the woman a place on the board of the Home and Garden Society. Am I the only one who thinks that you should have gotten over the herpes rumor by now? Then again, these are supposed Christians, who NEVER let go of a grudge.
Meanwhile, the parade of humiliation continues for Amanda as she breaks her heel walking down the street while getting caught in a rainstorm.
So this is what rockbottom is supposed to look like?
She takes refuge in the nearest watering hole, which happens to be Boobylicious. Let’s just call it what it really is. Fictional Hooters. Amanda orders a ginger ale and makes small talk with the curvaceous bartender. Women’s liberation all that nonsense, blah blah blah. Who cares when horny men will fork over hefty tips for the privilege of staring at perky bosoms and firm tushies in tight, revealing clothing.
What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor cause he’s hungry and the only way to feed him is to….
The bartender lady argues fair trade, using her body to earn $1K in tips a night and pay for nursing school. Now that, my friends, is the true American Dream. Although something tells me she won’t feel the same when she’s making half the money cleaning out bedpans and working 24 hour shifts. Conveniently posted above the bar is a help wanted sign, and Amanda gets an idea. She checks out her aging but still attractive figure, swallows her pride, and asks to speak to a manager about the opening.
Later, Amanda meets up with Heather to say she’s found a job and can look for a better house. Whoa there, Mandy. How about you see just how much “earning potential” you’ve got before you apply for a mortgage. In walks GCB, which, in this case, stands for “Gay Closeted Bubba,” AKA Cricket’s husband, Blake. He’s there meeting his “ranch foreman” while Cricket is off interviewing new Pilates instructors. HAHAHA!!! Poor Jorge! We barely knew ya. Heather begs off a dinner invite to meet a client, but Amanda takes him up on the offer.
At the table, they joke around about the Adult Mean Girls, and it’s like two old friends catching up until GCB calls Carlene’s husband “studly.” That’s Gay Exhibit B. By Amanda’s sudden discomfort, I get the feeling that she’s only now putting the clues together. By the way they received each other back in church, I would have thought she had been in on the secret back in high school. Or at least, she suspected it. The ranch foreman joins them at the table, and at that precise moment, Amanda drops something. Bending under the booth to pick it up, so looks over to notice GCB caressing Foreman’s thigh, and suddenly, a lightbulb the size of the Times Square New Years Eve ball goes off over her head.
And there’s your smoking gun, folks! I rest my case!
She jumps up just as GCB says to the Foreman, “I guess we’re gonna be pumping all night.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! GOD I LOVE THIS! Amanda tries to make a hasty exit, but not before GCB convinces her to be Foreman’s date to the Longhorn Ball and promises to send her a sexy outfit. It’s official… GCB is now my favorite character on GCB!
The next day, Amanda is at Boobylicious working her body for rent money.
Some looks happy to be well on her way to financial freedom and as much security as a tip-based income can afford.
At a booth by the door sits Carlene’s son and Cricket’s son, getting an eyeful of tits and getting served. They bail before their fake ID’s get confiscated, but not before Zacks’ kid takes a pic with his cell cam for his papa to jerk off over later.
How nice! A son who full supports his father’s masturbatory fantasies and future infidelities.
Unfortunately, he accidentally sends it to his mom, too.
Back from commercial, Amanda emerges from the ladies’ room at Boobylicious clad in the sexy outfit GCB sent her.
A straight man did NOT design this outfit.
Seriously, how does NOBODY know he’s gay! REALLY?!?!? Before Amanda leaves, the bartender chick hands her her paycheck. Really? She’s been working there ONE DAY! She stuffs it in her purse, feeling proud of her accomplishment. Scene fades to the Longhorn Ball, which is really just a glorified carnival, but with swanky outfits. Amanda arrives on the arm of Foreman and greets Mom Mary Jo and her kids. GCB greets them, marveling at how good his clothes look on her. Then he shakes Foreman’s hand, who leans in to tell him that there are “beavers in the pond.” GCB winks and smiles, so we know it’s code for something. However, I can’t figure out what? Beaver is slang for vagina, so does it mean, “Cool it, there are women around”? I’m so confused, but I can still appreciate the elaborate ruse they’ve created for themselves so that they can be all Brokeback Mountain.
I wish I knew how to quit you!
Country music plays as time passes. GCB and Cricket dance while Amanda’s kid rides the mechanical bull.
A few days in Texas and he’s already a lush and rodeo king.
When he gets thrown off, Bobby Ewing helps him up while Amanda rushes over to see if he’s ok. He introduces himself to them and starts talking about Amanda’s dead husband. He gives the kid an unnecessarily large bill to go buy a corndog. Amanda confirms that Bobby Ewing knew him, but before any conversation can be had, he tips his 10 gallon hat and excuses himself. It all seems so innocent, but you KNOW there’s something there. I’m thinking that Bobby Ewing was in on the ponzi scheme, and when the jig was up, he framed Mandy’s Ole Man. I’m going on record with this prediction.
Heather pops up to hand Amanda a bunch of perfectly acceptable listings and offers to wave her fee as a gesture of apology. Then she excuses herself to go husband hunting, just in time for Carlene, Sharon and Cricket to show up to express their pity. In unison, they hold up their cell phones to show her the picture.
Don’t look now! There’s about to be a good ole fashioned stoning at the Longhorn Ball!
Amanda immediately jokes around, feeling mortified about forgetting to bring that guy the extra dressing he asked for. Carlene feels compelled to point out the shame in working in a place like Bootylicious, to which Amanda points out the inherent hypocrisy in that statement. Dallas has more churches per capita in the nation, and they also have more strip clubs per capita. Point being, the “righteous” are also the most sexually perverted. AMEN, SISTAH! TAKE EM TO CHURCH! 2+2=DOUBLE STANDARD! LOVE!!!! Sharon tries to play the moral code card, which is Texan for having a license to be judgmental. Amanda continues to play along, suggesting they discuss it over lunch at Neiman’s! HAHAHAHA!!!! So much for your moral code! Hamarabi is surely spinning in his grave. Because she’s busted, she immediately fingers Carlene and runs off to get a fried twinkie.
Amanda continues on her brilliant attack, apologizing to Cricket for stealing Bill away from her all those years ago, and guaranteeing that she’ll never be stealing GCB. GCB shows up that very moment to twirl her around out on the dance floor, and suddenly, Carlene and Amanda are mano e mano. Carlene isn’t buying this act for a second, revealing that she saw Amanda kiss Zack. Amanda clarifies that Zack is the one who did the kissing, and she has no interest in him whatsoever. Carlene responds by attacking Amanda for parading around like a hoochie, working at Bootylicious. Amanda throws the bible back in her face, pointing out that Jesus hung out with whores and thieves. Carlene shoots back, “Not in my neighborhood, he didn’t!” Well, hello again, double standard! Amanda takes this opportunity to call a spade a spade. A long time ago, she was queen bitch round these parts, and Carlene is threatened by her now. They exchange “How Dare You!’s” Carlene suggests she pick up and go back to where she came from, and Amanda says that stupidity and hypocricy exists everyone with ground zero being right across the street! HAHAHA!!!! Cornered, Carlene says that at least her husband has enough sense to keep both hands on the wheel during orgasm! Just then, Mom Mary Jo walks up with grandkids in tow, shooting Carlene an evil look before the Vaughn’s storm off.
Back at home, Amanda settles down in her bedroom and empties her purse, picking up the Neiman’s gift card, wondering aloud where it came from. Mom Mary Jo walks up to the door jam and reveals herself as the “secret admirer.”
I just wanted to lavish expensive gifts on my daughter, in the hopes of buying her love back and manipulating her into conforming to my own unreasonable standards. Is that so wrong?
They share a tender mother/daughter moment, and Mom Mary Jo suggests buying herself a new fur coat if Amanda isn’t going to use the gift card. God often speaks to her through Christian Dior. I know the feeling. God often speaks to me through a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese extra value meal.
Suddenly alone, Amanda opens up her paycheck, which is inexplicably for $137.93. That’s about right for one day’s work. I still can’t figure out why they have a daily payroll. But Amanda suddenly notices something.
Wow, could that be any more obvious (and less imaginative)!
The parent company of Boobylicious is The Kitten Corp. Get it? Kitten? Carlene’s nickname in high school. Well, look who’s getting rich off the wanton flaunting of tits and ass! The double standard returns!
Cut to church, where another Sunday service is upon us. The pastor opens the floor up once again for announcements/prayers/concerns, and Amanda’s hand shoots straight up. The pastor recognizes her, and she stands up as all eyes turn to her, and worried looks shoot across Carlene’s and Cricket’s faces. She opens with “Dear Lord,” and every head in the place bows.
Dear Lord, please get these bitches off my back! In Jesus’ name.
She proceeds to count her blessings, including home, family and friends. Then, she moves in for the kill, thanking God for the blessing of forgiveness. Carlene stares at her with daggers, and Amanda extols the virtues of forgiving and being forgiven. Amanda preaches about being thankful for the 2nd chance she’s been given in this community she now calls home again. She’s grateful for her job at Boobylicious, and for her employer, The Kitten Corp, a wholly unsubsidiary of Cockburn Unlimited. God bless Carlene and Bobby Ewing! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AMEN INDEED! Cat’s out of the bag, so to speak! LOVE IT! This is exactly what I was hoping to get with this show!
You reap what you sow, indeed! Karma is bitch, isn’t it!
The organist starts playing “Blest Be the Ties that Bind,” and Carlene needs to be nudged out of her own moment of public humiliation to sing the hymm. The Adult Mean Girls squirm in the audience, while GCB takes on a look of satisfaction. After the service, Carlene shrugs off Sharon’s comforting touch to make a hasty exit, exchanging a GAME ON look with Amanda. The episode closes with the sign out front bearing an apropos warning to good ole Amanda, “Hell Hath No Fury.” Mom Mary Jo and Amanda embrace and walk down the church steps arm in arm with their heads held high.
And there you have it, ladies and gentleman. The long awaited Good Christian Belles. The pilot, though heavily weighed down by clunky exposition, was successful in getting the ball rolling with marvelous tongue-in-cheek jibes at organized religion and Christian values. I’m looking forward to further deconstruction of religion’s double standard, bible thumpers, and social hierarchy. Now, this is a weekly “service” I’ll enjoy attending. Reverend Slumrville, over and out!