Greetings, my fellow parishioners of the Gasm! Last week, GCB got off the ground with its own version of the Book of Genesis. Burdened by character introductions and a ton of exposition, it may have come off as wholly lackluster. But as with anything new, backstory was necessary to set the scene for all forthcoming drama, and the nuggets of brilliance we saw should be some indication of the goldmine yet to come.
A quick review of where we left off: Amanda Vaughn returns to Dallas with her son and daughter in tow after the humiliatingly public revelation of her husband’s crimes and infidelity. Suddenly broke and homeless, she moves back in with her controlling but loving mother. Amanda’s return isn’t as well received from the cadre of women she tortured back in high school. Leading the charge to make Amanda’s life miserable is Carlene, Queen B(itch), who is now married to a wealthy oil tycoon and physically transformed thanks to the wonders of plastic surgery. Among her disciples are Cricket, a modern day business woman married to a closeted cowboy, Sharon, a hefty housewife and mother whose husband’s old flame for Amanda has been reignited, and Heather, the former poor girl whose real estate business bought her entry into Dallas high society.
We left off with Amanda taking a job as a waitress in a Hooters-esque establishment, and after discovering that said restaurant was owned by Carlene, used that information to publicly humiliate her, in church no less, as a way of whipping back an attacking predator. Amanda is set up to be our heroine who has seen the error of her former bitchy ways, and Carlene is our villain, surrounded by her henchwomen.
Episode 2 picks up one week after Amanda’s prayer in church thanking the Cockburn’s for her job at Boobylicious. Queen B(itch) Carlene has been in hiding in bed all week from the humiliation, and is now refusing to go to church, something she’s never done, even though she’s supposed to sing a solo (YAY!) during the offering. Carlene, however, can’t muster the courage to show her face or her talent to the congregation now that they know she’s profiting off the wanton exploitation of tits and ass.
Picture her with her head thrown back with the back of her hand against her forehead.
Her hubby, Rip (AKA Bobby Ewing) quotes Proverbs, calling her a virtuous woman priceless beyond rubies. However, Queen B(itch) is only concerned with their reputation and social standings. Bobby Ewing correctly points out that the Bible doesn’t forbid owning a booby bar. Queen B suggests “setting Amanda free of her employment” so that she won’t be tempted to lash out at them again. Now there’s a new spin on getting fired that I’ve never heard of before! Rip proves to be the more morally grounded of the two, doing the Christian thing and giving a good woman a job. He kisses her and makes his leave.
Queen B immediately gets on the phone, looking for support. She calls Fatty Sharon first, tempting her with food to play hooky from church to keep her company, but Fatty needs to stand by her man so that Amanda won’t steal him away. Next on the list is Heather, who tried to visit with some treat, but Queen B’s maid said she wasn’t receiving guests. Queen B asks her to bring them down, but Heather needs to go to church to land a big listing. Call waiting beeps, and Queen B clicks over to a concerned Cricket, who heard through the maids that she hasn’t eaten all week. Cricket brings up the solo Queen B is supposed to sing (which is supposed to be dedicated to Amanda, welcoming her back), and Queen B announces that she can’t do it. Cricket offers to sing it in her place, and like a fire suddenly burning in her loins, Queen B jumps up to get ready. Nothing like the threat of stolen spotlight to truly motivate the self-centered.
Across the street, Amanda walks into the dining room dressed for church with some bounce in her step. Mom Mary Jo, spinning a tray of place cards, takes note of her sudden willingness to go to church and the new clothes she’s sporting. She asks, Gucci? Amanda responds, ArmadilloMart. HAHAHA!!!
The Kathy Ireland collection... Kryptonite for the rich and fashion-conscious
Amanda praises their affordability and style, but Mom Mary Jo, despite how fashion forward Uzbekistan may be, doesn’t want her dressing her grandbabies in clothes she bought at a store that also sells lettuce. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Then, Will and Laura (her kids) come down to breakfast in their new duds, and just as Amanda tries to punctuate her point, in walks Lupe, wearing the same dress as Laura.
Not so proud of your ArmadilloMart shopping spree, now are you?
Amanda quickly shoos her by giving her the day off. Mom Mary Jo mentions that the kids are going to Hillcrest “Haute Couture” High, and Amanda doesn’t want Laura to be labeled a Hovelina, now does she? What’s a hovelina, Laura (and the rest of us) asks. Mom Mary Jo answers that it’s an ugly wild pig that you can’t kill fast enough. Back in high school, Amanda started a tradition of naming the attractive girls Foxes and the not so attractive ones Hovelinas—a tradition that exists to this day. Now there’s a legacy to be proud of, social bullying.
To change the subject, Will asks Mom Mary Jo what she’s doing with all the cards, and she responds that she’s hosting a luncheon to reintroduce Amanda to society. On the guest list are all the Adult Mean Girls (AGMs), and Amanda can’t understand why. Mom Mary Jo says that Queen B probably won’t even come after Amanda’s prayer in church last week.
Savor the victory while you can. I hope you don't think Queen B is about to throw up the white flag just yet.
Amanda suggests that maybe the whole thing has blown over, but Mom Mary Jo knows better, warning Amanda to be afraid… be VERY afraid.
Cut to church and Queen B belting out Carrie Underwood’s Jesus Take the Wheel. Excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Touche, Queen B!
Mom Mary Jo tries to look on the bright side, whispering how nice it was for her to dedicate the song to her, prompting Amanda to point out that her husband died in a car crash! Cricket looks on, barely able to hide her jealousy of Queen B singing, mouthing the words right along with her.
It's Kristin freakin' Chenoweth, darlin'. Give the dream up now.
Meanwhile, Sharon’s husband, Zack, passes the collection plate, lingering and leering at Amanda long enough to be shooed away, much to Sharon’s chagrin. BRILLIANCE!
At coffee hour, Mom Mary Jo introduces Amanda to some of Dallas’ old biddies, one of whom can get her a job at the museum. Amanda politely announces that she already has a job, then verbally warns Mom Mary Jo to stop being controlling. Meanwhile, Fatty Sharon is inspecting a stain on Zach’s tie, complete with a full on lick of the material, suddenly recognizing it as chicken wings.
If you checking for infidelity, you should be a bit more careful what you taste. Just saying....
She nearly strangles him with the tie, but Zach says that clients love to go to Boobylicious for lunch while breaking free of her grasp. Facetiously, Fatty Sharon suggests he bring a cup of coffee to Amanda, to which Zach obliges. Amanda, noticing the approaching Zach, grabs Heather to avoid him, but only manages to bump into the AGMs. Queen B greets Heather, making sure to note how cute it is that she’s suddenly Amanda’s friend now.
You can almost here the music from old westerns when the sheriff and the villian are about to face off at high noon outside the saloon.
Heather deflects the derision by complimenting Queen B on her solo. Because nothing diffuses tension better than a little ego stroking. Amanda whips out the sarcasm, thanking Queen B for reminding her kids of their father’s death. Queen B feigns shock, pointing to the song’s message about Jesus being in control of our destiny. Fatty Sharon elaborates and Cricket finishes, saying that Amanda should allow Jesus to metaphorically take her wheel and direct her away from Dallas and out of town. Just GO… with God. In response, Amanda clarifies the song’s meaning, saying that Jesus actually steers us through the tough times. Then she quotes the bible, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” She compliments Queen B on her singing and walks off, with a self-satisfied Heather in tow. Left behind in her wake are the AMGs, and Cricket points out that Queen B was just “out-Christianed” by Amanda.
That diamond encrusted cross won't save you from the heathens
A shocked Queen B reaches for her cross in her cleavage before storming out of the church, flanked by the church sign still reading, “Hell Hath No Fury.” These church scenes are amazing!
After commercial, a new day dawns in Dallas as our AMG’s get some exercise walking the neighborhood streets.
I guess Cricket hasn't found a new personal trainer yet
Queen B(itch) whines about the hateful people who “misunderstood” the Boobylicious situation and have taken to flaming her Bible blog. We here at the Gasmii know a little something about message board flamers (as opposed to the real life kind, of which I belong), so I can marginally sympathize with her. And honestly, I wouldn’t mind seeing what her daily affirmations would sound like. A quick google search lets me know two things: 1. ABC dropped the ball, because their website doesn’t feature a bible blog (but if you’re looking to hire someone to write it, I’d be willing to do it for, say…. $50K a year?), and 2. Real life Christians are none too happy with this show. Point is, Amanda did some major damage to Queen B’s image. Cricket jumps in with some sage advice—change Boobylicious’ image. It’s what she did with her chain of Taquito Gordo Cantina restaurants after FDA nutrition violations. They changed the name to Taquito Fresh and viola! Problem solved. I don’t think that Booby Fresh would work, but what do I know. I don’t see a national restaurant chain with male waiters in hot pants and wifebeaters serving up chicken wings to my horny ass.
Down the street approaches the two old ladies from church, getting some exercise of their own, heading over to Mom Mary Jo’s to help out with her luncheon. Quicker than a $2 whore jumping on a trick, the AMG’s get down to business, plotting a different kind of revenge than that other wonderful ABC soap by the same name. Cricket brings up Amanda’s “attack” on Carlene in church the week before—an attack using PRAYER! For shame! Queen B looks appropriately hurt and vulnerable. Sharon tries to label Amanda as troubled and unhinged before Heather jumps in to divert attention to the wonderful food Mom Mary Jo is gonna have. When they mention wine, Cricket says that that’s not good. When asked why, she leans in as if to whisper a juicy piece of gossip… and when everyone’s ear is turned in nice and close, she reveals in a volume well above a whisper that Amanda is an ALCOHOLIC! GASP!!! Then, Sharon, Cricket, and Carlene express regret over not being able to go, because of a CONFLICT!
Conflict: high society's version of the washing your hair excuse
The old ladies, sufficiently riled up, turn around hastily make their exit, saying they have conflicts as well and that they’ll send flowers.
Meanwhile, over at Mom Mary Jo’s she assumes Amanda is free to hit up the museum and grab some lunch, but alas, she’s got the lunch shift. Mom Mary Jo gets a shot in at “those people,” and I wonder exactly what she means. Black people? Pretty people? Poor people? Sexually open and exploitative people with questionable morals? I guess it’s meant to be ambiguous… fill in the blank and move on. Equal opportunity judgmentalism, courtesy of your local Christian community. Amanda takes the opportunity to stick up for “those people,” her co-workers, including a girl named Rwanda. HAHAHAHA!!! Mom Mary Jo has the same reaction that I did, prompting her to clarify the correct spelling of her name… Rowanda. Ahhh, now that’s a horse of a completely different color. At that moment, Will and Laura come down the grand staircase with a list of school supplies they need, and long gone are the days of pens, pencils, erasers, looseleaf, marble notebooks, protractors, and trapper keepers. Instead, they need such things as a touch screen tablet, microscope and saddle.
You might wanna see if you can pick up an extra shift at Boobylicious.... or 20
Mom Mary Jo offers her credit card, but with a $100K credit at Neiman’s this should be a walk in the park. Yet, Amanda frets over how much of her tits and ass she’s gonna have to show in order to coerce enough tip money to afford all this shit. But she insists on providing for her children, and as she turns to leave, the strap on her ArmadilloMart purse breaks—a metaphor for her fragile spirit. How poetic!
She tries to fix it, but Mom Mary Jo brings her a purse, pointing out that “borrowing” a bag will not destroy her dignity. Amanda relents and starts to transfer contents, only to find a shiny golden revolver in the bag she is now borrowing. Amanda is shocked that Mom Mary Jo carries a gun, but with a room in her house dedicated to guns, I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why.
Purse check in Dallas: Lipstick... check! Wallet.... check! Loaded handgun.... check! Ok, I'm good to go!
In fact, Mom Mary Jo pulls out another handgun from the table drawer and a shotgun from the closet (in the scene ABC has been using to promote the show for the past few months), saying with true conviction that she’s ain’t afraid of anything. LOVE IT! A widow living alone needs some kind of protection.
Who needs a husband when you've got a 12 gauge shotgun!
Over at Cricket’s, she and Gay Closeted Bubba (GCB) discuss business, which now involves a hotel, I guess. He wants the rooms decorated with a masculine flair to make men feel powerful and women feel horny. Cricket suggests linen instead of velvet, and something instead of wool. GCB is pumped because the rooms will price out less than budgeted. By golly, they make the best team <cue fistpump>.
Your husband might be gay if this is how he shows you affection
Cricket notices that he’s packing, and he reminds her that he’s heading up to the Broken Flame for the annual ranch employee rodeo. Apparently, he forgot that their daughter, Christina, who is also head cheerleader, has her first pep rally of the year. They argue about family obligations over business ones, and Cricket can’t understand how entertaining 80 cowboys is more important that than being there for their daughter. Um….. do I even need to explain that one? At that moment, his cell phone rings and after a very pregnant pause, he answers it. It’s Booth, reminding him to bring more tequila to the ranch. GCB tries to beg out of the trip, but Booth reminds him that it’s their 3rd anniversary and he’s made a tarte tatin. (for those who are wondering: Tarte Tatin (French pronunciation: [taʁt tatɛ̃]) is an upside-down tart in which the fruit (usually apples) are caramelized in butter and sugar before the tart is baked.) GCB gets excited and says he’ll figure something out. He stops at Cricket on his way out with his bag, and she needles him, saying she’s sure he’ll find a way to make it up to their daughter. He leaves without kissing her, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe she knows. She’s gotta suspect he’s gay, right?
She looks like she might be catching on.... quick, pop a viagra, close your eyes, and do your husbandly duty.
Over at Sharon’s, she vents to Queen B and Cricket about Zach’s obsession with Boobylicious, pulling out his punch card, which is one punch away from a free Booby Basket. HAHAHA!!!
Girl, it's some free chicken wings and fries. Not a VIP pass to the champagne room.
Queen B offers advice from her Bible Blog: If your husband is getting a “feast” at home, he won’t be going “a’snackin’” at Boobylicious. Then, she uses Cricket as an example, betting that she’s never caught GCB straying for a little nibble on the side. Cricket wryly responds in the negative, sure to stress that she’s never CAUGHT him. Ah ha! So she does suspect! Sharon loses it, begging her, as the owner, to fire Amanda, but Bobby Ewing won’t let her. Cricket asks if she does everything her husband tells her to do, to which she responds, “God, he’s my husband. I came from his rib!” HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Mean Girls In Training
Cricket and Sharon’s daughters return from school in their cheerleader uniforms, and Alexandra is excited for GCB to see her new cheerleading moves, and Cricket looks sad and guilty for a second. Then, the conversation turns to Alexandra’s “perky new pillows.” Cricket explains that she and GCB wanted B-cups, but Alexandra wanted D’s, so they compromised with a C. Queen B goes in for a feel, recognizing the doctor’s handiwork as the one who did her own boobs, while Sharon’s daughter, Makenzie pouts that all foxes have starter boobs.
You'd never even know that there's a bag of silicone stuffed in there!
Sharon assures her that Christmas is coming. Dear Santa, I’ve been a good girl this year. All I want for Christmas is a new set of jugs. Thanks! Love, Makenzie. Then we see Cricket fretting over the tightness of the uniform top, so we know what’s coming, thanks to those same promos. Queen B shuts her up, saying that cleavage helps your cross hang straight! HAHAHAHA!!!! Interesting justification for vanity, which is a sin, isn’t it? Sharon asks if they’re making new friends, to which the girls immediately start talking about Laura, Amanda’s daughter. At first glance, they thought she was cute, but she soon revealed herself to be unattractively smart. And to make matters worse, she actually EATS lunch. <GASP> Alexandra and Makenzie takes great pleasure if announcing that she’ll be labeled a Hovelina by recess tomorrow. Um… do they even have recess in high school? Last time I checked, you lose recess in middle school. Amidst the giggles, Queen B speaks up, recalling how much it hurt when they were labeled Hovelinas. Sharon is quick to point out that she was a fox, until she let Betty Crocker, Lil Debbie and Chester Cheeto into her life. Cricket, however, points out that Amanda initiated the ritual, and if her daughter falls victim to it, so be it. She advises them to go for it, lifting up two plates of cake to the girls to further punctuate her point—Just Desserts. Wait… I don’t see Gail Simmons anywhere.
Amanda arrives at Boobylicious to find Queen B leading a prayer circle with a camera crew in tow. She asks what’s going on, and we discover how Queen B is taking Cricket’s advice to heart. Queen B says she’s doing a human interest piece for Cricket’s TV station about Amanda, and because of her, Queen B has seen the error of her ways. She’s rebranding the restaurant as an instrument for the greater good. She’s instituting the Boobylicious Project, and the purpose is to help the wayward wanton woman rediscover their self esteem and dignity. Amanda calls the whole thing transparent, to which Queen B says she hopes is the case. All profits from the restaurant will be donated to her charity called “For Women with Something.” HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Her charity is about as purposeful at The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too
You hear that, ladies? If you have “something,” you can get financial help from Queen B’s new charity. The ambiguity is delicious! I wonder if that includes effeminate men, because then I can qualify for a Boobylicious Grant. God knows I could use the money! Then, Queen B introduces the new look of Boobylicious, courtesy of an Amish designer.
Boners all over Dallas just went flaccid.
Amanda tries to point out how this foolishness will kill more than just boners. Queen B chocks it up to the Lord’s will, and no one can keep calling her a hypocrite. Yet, Amanda points out the hypocrisy of making the girls dress like amish maidens when Queen B parades around dressed like a hussy. Queen B shrugs it off, saying she can’t help it if her husband prefers the “girls” up where he can see ‘em. Then she continues with the prayer circle thanking God for the courage to change Boobylicious and thanking Amanda, who is 100% responsible for it. The Booby Girls shoot daggers at Amanda while she looks horrified into the camera. Queen B strikes back!
The same expression every man will have when they see your new uniforms, promptly replaced by a poof of dust as they run back out the door.
I’m noticing here how much like a tennis match the show is creating between Queen B and Amanda. They’re trading ground strokes at a furious pace, back and forth, trying to beat each other. It’s awesome to watch, and certainly should be enough to sustain at least one season, if not several.
Amanda gets home from work to find Laura and Will watching TV clad in expensive clothes and shoes, and discovers that Mom Mary Jo stopped at Neiman’s on their way to school to enhance their wardrobes. She takes Laura’s jacket and shoes and storms in on Mom Mary Jo while she’s pairing wines for her luncheon with Heather.
If I told you once, I told you 100K times! NO MORE NEIMAN'S!
She tosses them back at Mom Mary Jo, arguing how spoiled she was as a kid which was why she turned out so rotten. Mom Mary Jo doesn’t disagree, instead passing the buck to her father as Amanda vows not to let that happen to her kids. Mom Mary Jo finally gives in, taking the jacket and giving it to Heather. She doesn’t have the energy, fretting over the shrinking guest list for her luncheon due to the aforementioned conflicts. She changes the subject to Amanda’s outfit, and she elaborates that it’s Queen B’s way of manipulating Boobylicious to protect her image. They closed early because there were no customers since no one was interested in getting served chicken wings from girls covered head to toe in the Christian equivalent of a burka. Mom Mary Jo, desperate for Amanda to NOT be working at Boobylicious, raises a glass of wine to Queen B! HAHAHAHA!!! Heather, clearly uncomfortable, excuses herself, and as Amanda walks her out, she apologizes for overstepping boundaries with her relationship with Mom Mary Jo. Amanda assures her she’s glad they’re close and that it’s fine for Mom Mary Jo to spoil her, as long as she doesn’t spoil her kids. Where can I sign up for some spoiling?!?!? She goes to put the jacket on Heather when she notices a pig sticker on the back.
This generation's equivalent to the tried and true KICK ME sign
Uh oh! Laura has been branded a Hovelina. FOR SHAME!!! Heather offers to talk to Queen B, but Amanda takes responsibility for this particular gunfight at the Not Ok Corral. LOL!!!
Queen B’s cell phone goes off, with yet another church hymm as a ring tone. Last episode, it was Amazing Grace. Can anyone help me out with this one? Queen B rolls over in bed to answer it, out of breath and clearly en flagrante delicto.
Come on, now! How really answers a phone call during sex? Let that shit go to voicemail!
Amanda calls bullshit on Queen B taking their feud out on the girls of Boobylicious, and now the fight has brought her daughter into the mix with scarlet pig sticker. Queen B can’t believe that it’s happened already, and Amanda says that Heather was right about Queen B being behind this. Uh oh! Queen B takes note of Heather’s role in all this while Amanda calls her the ringleader. Queen B acknowledges her prayers for God to bestow her with leadership abilities. HAHAHAHA!!!! Nice spin, there, Queen B! However, a mean girl is still a mean girl. A gossip is still a gossip. Amanda challenges her to a throw down, but Queen B can’t talk anymore at the moment as a very frisky Bobby Ewing can’t be held at bay. Queen B invites her to lunch the following day at noon before hanging up and taking care of her man.
The next day, a little red corvette speeds down a dirt road, and Amanda and Queen B hop out at a dirty looking restaurant. No wonder it’s so far off the beaten trail… probably hiding from health inspectors. But as we all know, these places always have the best food. Just go to any Chinese restaurant in Chinatown, pizzeria in Manhattan, inner city fried chicken joint, or tin shack pulled pork place in Texas, apparently (remember Ray’s from FNL?). The two discuss their ongoing high school feud, and Amanda wants to work out a way to keep it from passing on to the next generation, if possible.
Something tells me a truce here is about as likely as negotiating peace in the Middle East.
Queen B truthfully tells her that she tried to get the girls to NOT do the Hovelina thing, but really, it’s no matter to her because she doesn’t have a daughter. Then, Queen B goes into excruciating detail about her own Hovelina initiation back in high school, and though she sugarcoats it by thanking Amanda for the experience that ultimately changed her, the reality of the situation hangs in the air. The person Queen B has become, in part due to that experience, is a vainglorious woman paranoid about what people think of her, and hungry for enough power to keep people from treating her that way again. Not exactly something to be proud of, but she’s gotta be proud of something, right? Amanda can only sit there looking like she got sucked through a vortex into the twilight zone as Queen B laughs about how a former Hovelina is feeding a former fox pulled pork.
At that moment, a fat Texas hilljack approaches to let Queen B know that her pig is ready to roll. Cut to a whole suckling pig riding shotgun in the convertible.
If you can fit, you can ride back to Dallas in the trunk.
Amanda stands there dumbfounded, and yet, I wonder how she didn’t see this coming? Why else would Queen B drive her 80 miles out of town for lunch if not to strand her there with no way to get home? Correction—without knowing exactly how her good friend, Texas Hilljack, would get Amanda back to Dallas. It certainly wasn’t to mend fences or any other altruistic motive one would attribute to a Christian. Amanda immediately pulls out the cell phone to call her teenage daughter for a ride? I’m not positive, but I think she’s too young to even have a learner’s permit. Not that it matters, because the cell reception out in the backwoods of Texas is awful, and they have a stilted conversation that leads to some major miscommunication.
Verizon went to shit after they fired the gay "Can you hear me now?" guy
Laura tells her mom that she’s been asked by the popular girls to ride with them to the pep rally. And Queen B just laid out this exact situation as how she was branded Hovelina. Amanda tries to warn her, but the broken reception only comes across as encouragement to Laura. The call ends with Amanda in a panic over what’s about to happen to her daughter when her ride back to Dallas shows up. And knock me over with a feather—it’s a pig truck! HAHAHAHA!!!
That cramped trunk isn't looking so bad now, huh?
Meanwhile, Fatty Sharon has taken Queen B’s advice too literally, and surprises Philandering Zach with a veritable buffet of fried finger foods.
I don’t think that’s what Queen B had in mind when she suggested you satisfy his appetite at home so that he doesn’t have to go sample the menu at Boobylicious. She meant you should spend a few minutes on the stair master or buy yourself a good pair of knee pads. And to accentuate just how badly she misses the mark, other than her embarrassingly wedging a chicken finger between her breasts, Philandering Zach asks if there’s anything healthy to eat because he’s trying to get back in shape. I don’t think working out with GCB is such a great idea, given how GCB thinks he’s studly and all, but his interest certainly isn’t in the buffet, or in his wife, much to her disappointment. I almost feel sorry for her, except I’m in a two year relationship with a proud chubby chaser and after years of feeling unattractive, my self-image is currently through the roof! I heart you, babe :-*
Over at the high school, pre-pep rally, Laura approaches Alexandra and Makenzie all excited about being included. They tell Laura that they want to make her first pep rally special, and skulking from behind the cars in the lot come two girls with a bucket, ready to pounce on Laura’s initiation.
Anyone else picturing Parker Posey from Dazed and Confused? AIR RAID, FRESHMAN!
Oblivious to this, Laura hugs Makenzie while they wave for the other girls to hurry up with the bucket. Laura is anxious to know the surprise, but they cut to commercial before we get to see Laura’s debut as a modern day, Texas version of Carrie. Although, in Carrie, it was pig’s blood, which is still kinda appropriate too.
Back from commercial, the pep rally has begun, and in true Texas fashion.
Although, for the life of me, I can't figure out why the Jumbotron is in the gym and not out on the football field.
The cheerleaders work the crowd while the VIPs gather under a tent set up in the gym with the suckling pig on display and waiters passing hors d’oeurves. Philandering Zach avoids temptation while Bobby Ewing and Queen B manipulate the Fire Chief into overlooking the tent’s code violations by name dropping all the VIP’s in attendance, including the governor, senator, and Former First Lady Mrs. Bush. Then Bobby Ewing puts his hand on the Fire Chief’s shoulder to tell him that when he pitches a tent, it stays up until he wants to let it down. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ok, even I have to admit that was brilliant. A giggling Queen B offers him a Cactini (complete with pieces of cactus on the martini glass) and a caviar fajita. All I can picture is drinking aloe vera and eating an obscene amount of fish eggs rolled up in a warm soft tortilla. BLURG!
Over at the cotton candy machine, Fatty Sharon spins sugar amidst her morose. Cricket comes up to take a waft of cotton candy out of Sharon’s hair. She asks how Sharon is doing, only to find out that things have gotten worse with Zach’s whole foray into Michelle Obama’s Wellness Crusade.
Poor Fatty Sharon! Quick, some get her a Trojan Vibrations!
Because we all know, the only thing worse than a heretic in Texas is a democrat. Cricket takes pity on Sharon and tells her that Zach has already kissed Amanda, and that Sharon needs to keep it together and be Texas Strong. Is that the same as Live Strong? You know, those plastic yellow bracelets made famous by another Texan with half a scrotum? Or maybe it’s the same as Country Strong, except I’m pretty sure Gweneth Paltrow is half British, and there’s nothing less Texas than the poofs from across the pond. Sharon asks Cricket what she’d do if she caught GCB with another woman, to which Cricket clarifies the gender before vowing to the burn the ranch to the ground and then castrate him. Zach walks up to twist the proverbial knife further, patting his stomach and bragging that he hasn’t eaten anything. Fatty Sharon, suddenly overwhelmed, smacks him with a stick of cotton candy. Well, she sure showed him.
I think a baseball bat might have been more effective
Arriving slightly tardy for the party is Heather, whose name has apparently not made it onto the list. The big, turbaned bouncer (who was in that NBC comedy about the call center in India) won’t let her in because she’s been too busy planning luncheons. And BURN!
What was the bodyguard's name from Annie?
Meanwhile, the pig truck pulls up outside the gym to drop off Amanda. She immediately approaches a girl covered in mud whom she thinks is Laura. Slightly relieved but still in a panic, she expresses sorrow and regret to the girl about having been labeled a Hovelina and that her humiliation is all her fault.
Oh good, you're just a random ugly girl and not my daughter
She rushes into the gym to track down her daughter, and when she finally finds her, she’s covered in glitter instead of mud. By some twist of fate, Laura was made a fox instead, and Laura tries to bond with her mom over her amazing stroke of luck.
Social outcast or catty snob? Which is worse?
Like the rest of us, Queen B is confused about this development, as she conspicuously looks on through her binoculars. Cricket explains that she later told Alexandra to treat Laura kinder than how Amanda treated them. Queen B is impressed with Cricket for turning the other cheek. Then, Cricket reveals the real reason why she did it—they’ll be in a better position to keep tabs on Amanda if their daughters are in each other’s good graces. What is it they say about leopards? Or is that cougars? Rescue panthers? Honey badgers? I’m confusing myself with the animal kingdom metaphors.
Across the gym, Laura is raving about her newfound entry into the popular crowd. Amanda, however, can only shit on the coats, knowing that this whole thing reeks of trouble. She tries to tell Laura that it’s better to avoid buying into a system rooted in snobbery. Laura lashes out, assuring her mother that she’s not gonna turn into her, and right now, she has to survive the system that her mother created. She storms off, leaving Amanda behind to ponder her choice back in high school are going to affect her daughter all these years later. Should make for some interesting drama down the road, that’s for sure.
The pep rally begins and focus shifts to Alexandra. Cricket looks on with nervous pride as her daughter goes up for her first basket toss as head cheerleader. She’s caught successfully, and when her arms go up for a stuck landing, of sorts, her too tight top pops open, flashing her brand new C cups to the entire school.
The mascot and AV geek look on disbelief, the jocks cheer, Cricket screams, Bobby Ewing admires the plastic surgeon’s handywork, and Alexandra runs off in shame. I wonder what they’ll say about this in church? Suddenly, GCB shows up, approaching Cricket, asking what he missed. Dude, be thankful. I don’t think any father wants to witness something like that, although I don’t know if it’s different for gay dads. Either way, the point is made.
That night, somber music plays as Mom Mary Jo sits alone at the empty dining room table, tearing up her place cards. Amanda walks in, saying she’s got a problem… her daughter being disappointed in her. Mary Jo can certainly relate, but she’s got a problem of her own.
You're rich and live in a mansion... must be tough.
So many people declined the luncheon invitation that she’s been forced to cancel. The latest “conflict” being the airing of Queen B’s Boobylicious project. Amanda takes the opportunity to call Mom Mary Jo out on her snobbery—being ashamed of Amanda for her salacious job and buying designer clothes for her grandkids so that they wouldn’t look poor and embarrass her. Mom Mary Jo denies it, but Amanda pulls out her trump card. When she got pregnant and wanted to marry the guy who turned out to be a two bit cheating criminal, Mom Mary Jo tried to send her away and get her to give the baby up for adoption. OUCH! I’m glad Laura is off at the Hornet Ho-down instead of overhearing this shameful piece of family history. Mom Mary Jo tries to get Amanda to let go of her anger and be open to accepting her help. To all this, I say go for it, Amanda! Guilt is a very powerful motivator. If making amends means a brand new Benz and $100K in gifts and clothes from Neimans, so be it! Let the healing begin, already! But, if we’ve learned anything in these two episodes, Amanda isn’t looking for a handout or a savior. She just wants what everyone wants—to simply be accepted. Mom Mary Jo brings the subject back to Laura, drawing striking similarities between their respective relationships with their daughters. Fair warning, Amanda. In most cases, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, or in this case, the mouth of a suckling pig.
Over at Cricket’s, she relaxes in bed, reading a copy of Garden & Gun magazine. The devil is in the details, and that’s a hilarious one, for sure. It’s like Emma Pillsbury’s awesome pamphlets on Glee! High society meets the NRA…. Militia Chic, if you will. GCB walks in wearing a very effeminate red silk robe having managed to convince Alexandra that a little wardrobe malfunction isn’t the end of the world. I think Janet Jackson, Nancy Grace, and most recently, J-Lo might beg to differ, but this is high school after all. Also, why don’t male celebrities ever have wardrobe malfunctions? Throw us ladies and gaybies a bone, would ya! LITERALLY! Cricket marvels at GCB’s maternal instincts and frets over the lack of her own, but GCB calls her a fierce, wonderful, protective mother. Ok, now stop and reread this paragraph. There are about 28 red flags all pointing to his homosexuality. HOW CAN SHE NOT KNOW?!?!? And just when I’m thinking that, the bomb gets dropped. GCB apologizes for the rodeo thing, and Cricket lets him off the hook. He is who is he is and she signed up for it years ago. So she does know he’s gay, and willingly became his beard! In one instant, Cricket suddenly became likeable and personable. She tells him that he makes her feel beautiful, and he responds because she is beautiful. AWWWWWWW!!!!!! I just fell in love a little!
Lust is just implied. Hello, do you know me?!?!?
She asks why he didn’t stay at the ranch. He didn’t wanna miss his daughter’s big day, even though it angered Booth and he broke up with him and quit. Hold the phone for a sec. How exactly was Alexandra conceived? And Booth must be a bitch to suddenly get fed up with their arrangement, even if GCB had to cut their anniversary celebration short. GCB can do better, and optimistically, he brushes the break up off, saying he’ll just have to find a new “foreman.” Then he gets up and takes his robe off, revealing one of the most amazing set of abs I’ve ever seen. DAYUM!!!!!! Cricket comforts him and GCB leans in….. to kiss her? Wait, is he bisexual? Nope. He kisses her forehead and proceeds to roll over about 429 times to his side of the bed. I know this is satire, and it’s supposed to be exaggerated, but really? Is this big a bed really necessary?
Oh, the orgies you can have in that bed, though.
Laura gets home to find Amanda waiting up for her. Not to ground her, but to apologize for trying to control her daughter’s life, especially when she hates how her own mother tries to control her own. AMEN! Break the cycle of hypocrisy! They’re both proud of each other, even though Amanda works in a booby bar.
Apparently, it’s cool to have most popular high school boys lust after your mother. Who knew?!?! One, in particular, is Queen B’s son, Landry (who had better live up the name)! Amanda frets that she might have to quit, regardless, thanks to Queen B’s Boobylicious Project, but Laura reminds her mom that she’s a fighter and encourages her to “out-fox” Queen B. They love each other. BORING! Let’s get to good stuff already!
Well, ask and ye shall receive. The next day, Amanda, flanked by the other Boobylicious girls, ambushes Bobby Ewing as he gets out of his car. Oh wait, they called him down to the bar. They’ve decided that they’re disgruntled employees about to go all Norma Rae on his ass!
They’ve decided to defect to the competition, Chicken and Cheeks! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! The recent changes, AKA Amish Chic, has rendered their ability to make a living impossible, and they gotta do what they gotta do. Bobby Ewing acts oblivious to said changes, and Amanda savors the joy in telling him that Queen B was responsible.
Cut to Bobby Ewing waiting for his wife to arrive to put her in her place. Queen B walks in with stacks of fidelity pledges to pass out to their lust laden customers, reminding them to be faithful to their wives. “If you want a little something on the side, try our onion rings.” Humorous, but heavy handed. In walks the Boobylicious Beauties, clad in their original uniforms, much to Queen B’s surprise. But Bobby Ewing told them that they could dress like that. He proceeds to quote the bible about the man being the head of the household, and Queen B needs to trust him to make the decisions, especially where Boobylicious and Amanda are concerned.
At least he didn't say that a woman's place is in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.
I wonder why he felt the need to single out Amanda in there…. Could it be because he’s responsible for her husband’s criminal activities and subsequent downfall, leading to his untimely death? I stand by this prediction! Queen B, turned on by her husband’s display of authority, relents, and Amanda turns the screws by revealing their new motto, printed on the back of their very tight shirts. “My cup runneth over!” HAHAHAHA!!!!
And we know that Alexandra can relate
Amanda’s smug satisfaction is shortlived as Mom Mary Jo walks into Boobylicious with Dallas’ high society in tow. Mom Mary Jo swallows her pride for the good of her relationship with her daughter, bringing the luncheon to her daughter, asking Queen B to set up for a party of 20 which included Heather.
BURN, Queen B! Looks like Heather has defected.
Queen B gives her an icy cold stare before walking off. Mom Mary Jo hugs Amanda with genuine affection, telling her that she’s proud of her. Amanda, clearly taken aback, tells her mother that she loves her, just as a Boobylicious Beauty slides down the fire pole. HAHAHAHA!!!! Margaritas are on Mom Mary Jo and the party begins!
Boobylicious... not just for the guys anymore!
Well, there you have it! Episode 2 was leaps and bounds better than the pilot, and while there still doesn’t seem to be much driving the plot other than the war between Amanda and Queen B, the foundation has certainly been laid for some juicy storylines. How will Laura get along with the foxes, and how will the AMG’s use that to their advantage? Who will GCB take on as his next lover, and for that matter (thanks to the previews), who will Cricket decide to have an affair with? Will Fatty Sharon be able to reclaim the affections of her husband? What will Queen B do next to exact her revenge on Amanda? And finally, how can the show fabricate additional backstory to create more drama?
Finally, Reverend Slumrville needs some help from the Gasmii congregation. I’ve got nicknames for Rip, Blake, Sharon, Gigi, and Carlene. But for the life of me, I can’t come up with something for Amanda, Cricket, Heather or Zach. Leave your offerings in the comments! And if you care to tithe, your donations are greatly appreciated!