GCB Recap: The Musical

Greetings, Gasmii!  First, I would like to apologize for taking so long to get this recap up.  I’ll admit to a minor case of burnout after squeezing two recaps in last week.  It’s difficult enough to keep the funny quotient high, let alone my physical incapability of being succinct.  But don’t fret. If there’s anything I’m religious about, it’s TV, my growing love for this show, and the GASM.

Last week, Pastor Tudor (Pastor Hunk) swung a big stick at a hornet’s nest by preaching about the divinity of sex and challenging his congregants to engage in daily sex acts for a week to help with communication. As a result, Low-Fat Sharon (thanks to my BFF and Hag, LrhFlute, for that nickname!) and Failing (no-longer Philandering) Zach switched genders, figuratively, growing closer in the process as they face financial collapse.  Cricket (GCBeard) and Blake (GCBlake) decided to scrap the surrogate idea and engage in unnatural hetero sex to conceive their second child.  Carlene (Queen B) took on the role of militant Christian, founding the Hillside Park Purity Pioneers, demonizing sex for all the community’s impressionable youth via a House of Sexual Horrors, only to see it backfire on her when she discovers her son, Landry, making out with a “pregnant” Laura.  And Amanda (Magdalene, or A-Magda) took a job as church secretary and in unrelated news, finally gave in to her desires and did the deed with Cool Hand Luke.

This week can be summed up in two words – CHURCH MUSICAL!!!!!!  I can’t even express to you how giddy I felt anticipating this episode!  Singing + Dancing + Kristen Chenoweth + Miriam Shur + Jesus Jokes = BRILLIANCE!!!  Our episode opens with Pastor Hunk and A-Magda pilfering pamphlets from rival Hillside Park Shared Remembrance Church, a form of amateur religious espionage to discover why an alarming number of families have defected shortly after Pastor Hunk’s arrival.

Maybe the families left because of the Adult Mean Girls?

Personally, I think it’s jealous husbands who don’t like how their wives get all giggly and flirty during coffee hour.  Pastor Hunk takes it personally, wanting to do his job better before the loss in revenue hurts his bottom line, but we quickly learn the real reason behind this trek across enemy lines—Reverend Steve, who had been a personal rival of his from back in Seminary.  Apparently, Reverend Steve is perfect, and Pastor Hunk is feeling more than a little insecure.  A-Magda accuses him of being competitive, and after rattling off a laundry list of Reverend Steve’s merits, he confesses to being human.  They climb into her car to make a clean getaway only to look up and see Reverend Steve standing in front of the vehicle.

I’m surprised… only those Mormon and Jehovah’s Witness missionaries go so far as to jump in front of a moving vehicle to get someone’s attention.

Now, as terrible as it would be to mow him down, it would have solved Pastor Hunk’s problem. But vehicular homicide is no way to recruit new churchgoers.  Reverend Steve greets his old friend, asking how things are going, and Pastor Hunk tries to act all positive and unflustered, failing at both while Reverend Steve asks what they’re doing at his church.  A-Magda jumps in for a tongue-tied Pastor Hunk, lying up a storm about finding a new font for the church bulletins.

TEAM PASTOR HUNK!

Reverend Dweeb invites them to check out their church’s amphitheater where their performing arts ministry is currently rehearsing a production of Godspell.  Pastor Hunk begs off, saying they have lots to do, but A-Magda gets sucked in by the atmosphere of masculine one-upsmanship, fabricating a new, original musical that their church is working on, much bigger than Godspell and better than the church has ever done.

If pastors were allowed to curse, the look on his face would be screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Reverend Dweeb wishes them luck and commits to a ticket while Pastor Hunk sits there looking shocked at all the sinning going on but unable to tell the truth.  After Reverend Dweeb walks off, Pastor Hunk panics since their choir director quit.  There’s no way they can come up with an original musical in time, but A-Magda has an idea, knowing of an aspiring playwright currently listed among their church’s members.

Cut to Heather’s office, where she clarifies that she’s a play-wrote, as in one play, back in high school.  A-Magda shuffles around in some old boxes, remembering the play Heather wrote because it beat out hers in their 10^th grade creative writing competition, putting Heather on A-Magda’s Mean Girl Shit List.  Heather doesn’t even remember what she titled it, but A-Magda refreshes her memory when she finally finds the script—“The Miracles of Jesus.”

Salvation lies within?

A-Magda is confident that she can direct and choreograph it, with a little help from Heather.  Heather, however, wants no part of it, remembering how much of a tyrant A-Magda was as a leader, leaving a myriad of eating disorders in her wake.  Damn, I’m glad I was never a teenage girl! A-Magda is quick to remind Heather how different she is now, wanting to use the play to help out Pastor Hunk and wipe her own karma slate clean.  Because Jesus Christ Superstar can make up for years of bitchiness and harbored resentment.  Heather suggests she write a check, which is actually very good advice.  Nothing makes you a good Christian quicker than throwing money around.  Unfortunately, A-Magda is poor (when you take her mother’s money out of the equation), but this is something A-Magda can do to give back.  A still reluctant Heather finally gives in when A-Magda points out the potential booty calls available, because church musicals are the only musicals where straight men outnumber the gaybies.  Heather extrapolates that she can also work it to get publicity for her real estate business, because every charitable act carries along with it varying degrees of selfish motives.

One thing definitely in the church budget-a web designer who apparently works on call.

And just like that, Hillside Park United Memorial has the musical publicized on its website, calling for auditions.  GCBeard gets on the phone with Queen B to discuss the project. Queen B is confident she’ll just be given the lead, but GCBeard reminds her of the choir director’s departure.  Queen B wonders who’ll be directing the show, and Low-Fat Sharon, apparently conferencing in, shares that A-Magda is the director.  Horrified, Queen B refuses to audition for A-Magda, calling the whole thing diabolical.  Yeah, because A-Magda manipulated the situation to have power over her.  Sharon can’t audition because she’s launching Losin’ It with Jesus on a local home shopping program, but Queen B could care less, asking what supporting role GCBeard plans to audition for.  However, sensing her opportunity to outshine Queen B for once, announces her intention to audition for the lead role of the Holy Spirit.  Queen B laughs it off, saying she doesn’t have the right physical presence to play an apparition.  GCBeard gets agitated, mutilating a lovely flower in the process, and Queen B condescends, saying that they can’t let it affect their friendship, whatever the outcome.

Don’t take your frustrations out on those lovely flowers!  I’m sure there’s a Karate instructor out there who likes it rough.

The call ends, and Queen B frets to Ripp (Bobby Ewing) during their couple’s massage her fear that GCBeard might successfully steal her god-given right to the lead role and all things musical, harkening back to her triumph in the church’s Exodus Operetta.  Ripp tells her to win the role at the audition, but Queen B thinks that’s impossible with A-Magda at the helm, recalling her exclusion from the cheerleading squad because of her Acne Vulgaris.  Ripp reminds her of her security in her manufactured beauty, offering to attend the audition with her to provide moral support.  Queen B seems mollified for the moment as we cut to the church for auditions.

You might want to excuse the masseuses before you get frisky.

GCBeard takes to the stage to lay claim to the lead role, casually mentioning her intention to donate high wire technology and professional lights and sound to the production as part of her company’s commitment to charity, community and diversity (motioning to Heather!).  Now, there’s a bribe if I’ve ever seen one.

If this is her version of casting couch, count me in!

Heather and Pastor Hunk immediately get excited about sudden elevation of the production, but A-Magda refuses to fall for it, adamant to make her casting decisions based on actual talent.  GCBeard commences with her audition—a decidedly soulful rendition of This Little Light of Mine.  Out in the audience, GCBlake plays the part of stage/pageant mom, reminding GCBeard to smile as she sings, and GCBeard takes the cues, adding unnecessary runs all over the place like many an 11^th place finisher on American Idol.

If you’ve ever watched those kiddie pageant shows, most of the dads who are into pageants are just like GCBlake here… Gay and Closeted.

Suddenly, a hip hop beat interrupts GCBeard’s audition, and out walks Queen B fitted with a headset mic to hijack the spotlight with her amazing soprano, and Bobby Ewing walks out with his wife carrying an oversized boom box on his shoulder to provide the musical accompaniment.

DIVA OFF!

Queen B and GCBeard try to top each other with vocal pyrotechnics, fighting each other for the coveted spot downstage, knocking each other aside until Queen B forces herself front and center for the song’s final bars as she shoots off a small confetti gun, claiming victory as Pastor Hunk, Heather and A-Magda look on with varying degrees of disbelief and/or confusion.  Despite GCBeard’s best efforts, you just know how this will turn out.

Watch out, girls, before the creative team decides to bring in a movie star in order to sell the musical to investors… ooops, wrong show!

And sure enough, the cast list goes up, and Queen B has won the role of the Holy Spirit, suddenly approving of A-Magda’s superb judgment and casting abilities as they will no doubt combine to put on the church’s best musical ever.

Girlfriend, with all the money you have, just finance your own show and cast yourself in the lead!

Ripp was cast, without auditioning, as Jesus because of his commanding presence and physical stature, despite his apparent fear of performing His words.

How adorably pious! 

GCBlake walks up behind his disappointed and decidedly angry wife to taut the silver lining.  He’s been cast as Lazarus to her Leper, and they share a song/dance number.

Sweetheart, I get be gay in public without people questioning my sexuality!

GCBeard, however, refuses to play supporting to Queen B’s lead, and she quits, leaving A-Magda to find someone else to play out the plight of a disfiguring skin disease.  HAHAHA!!!!  She storms off to run her business empire, holding her head high amidst her recent shame, leaving GCBlake in her wake, looking mildly disappointed and sad for his wife.

Meanwhile, Low-Fat Sharon seeks out Gigi (Mom Mary Jo) to be her image consultant for her stint on the Texas Excess show hocking bible based meals since Mom Mary Jo used to be Texas’ premier pageant coach.  LOVE IT!  I’ll pause right here to say a little prayer that the show explores this at some point in the future, complete with a guest spot for Michael Caine.  PLEASE!!!!!!

Smilers wear a crown while losers wear a frown. 

Low-Fat Sharon praises Mom Mary Jo’s reputation for her parade of winning Stopper Girls, exuding poise and confidence. None of these qualities are currently possessed by Sharon.  She feels like people don’t take her seriously, and Mom Mary Jo can’t understand why Sharon NEEDS this.  Sharon responds that she needs this to work because she’ll be the face of Losin’ It with Jesus and she’s broke she wants to change people’s lives.  Mom Mary Jo goes militant on her, demanding perfection and complete obedience.  Low Fat Sharon, without missing a beat, responds, “Ma’am, yes ma’am!” Sharon can take whatever Mom Mary Jo can dish out, to which Mom Mary Jo immediately tells her that her outfit looks like something Tinkerbell threw up on!  HAHAHA!!!!  Sharon’s face drops, probably not expecting the criticism to be quite so harsh.

Over at the church, rehearsals begin in earnest with Bozeman playing a leper, yowling in despair as he awkwardly loses a fake hand.  The holy spirit enters from stage left, delivering her lines with an uncertain staccato and flapping her arms as if the holy spirit were incarnated as a stork.  Jesus appears to perform an unenthusiastic miracle while A-Magda checks in with Heather and Pastor Hunk for thoughts.  Heather points out that Bozeman doesn’t know his lines when out of nowhere, Reverend Dweeb shows up to pay Pastor Hunk a visit and see how the big miracles are going.

Turnabout is fair play.

Pastor Hunk tries to brush him off, saying it’s their first rehearsal.  Reverend Dweeb compliments their bird, wondering what she’s supposed to be… Tuscan? Wounded ostrich?  HAHAHA!!!  A-Magda corrects him, saying the holy spirit is testing out her stage wings.  Reverend Dweeb starts to play mind games by commenting on their bare-bones set while he has a rotating platform and lasers for his production of Godspell.

Why is Summer Lovin’ from Grease going through my head right now?

But hey, less is more.  Yeah, that’s what the church wants you to believe while they take your “donations” and hoard the cash away for themselves.  Sorry… let me put my cynicism away.  Ok, I’m better now.  Reverend Dweeb quickly exits and Pastor Hunk tries to find the silver lining here, saying that Jesus was a simple man with few needs.  However, that flight harness would have been cool… the unintentional guilt trip hits A-Magda hard as he assures them that they’ll make it work before getting up to leave.  In his wake, A-Magda regrets her decision as Heather rubs it in even more, pointing out that this is the production that A-Magda chose for her clean slate karma coming out party.  An evil look comes over A-Magda’s face, suggesting she bring out High School Amanda to go talk to GCBeard about the equipment she promised to help take their production to the next level.

Be afraid!  Be VERY afraid!

Heather wants nothing to do with it, and A-Magda promises that she’s not going to let anyone, least of all herself, down.  Why do I get the feeling that A-Magda represents Pandora here, about to crack open her legendary box.

Cut to a fork cutting into a piece of rich red velvet cake. GCBeard welcomes A-Magda into her lush garden for the first time, politely apologizing for the oversight of not inviting her over sooner, but saying it in a way that clearly reveals that she had no intention of ever inviting her to her home.

Southern Hospitality

Finally, the façade proves too ridiculous for GCBeard to continue, demanding to know what A-Magda wants.  She responds that she wants GCBeard to come back to the play, along with all the gadgets and whistles she promised during the audition so that the church can unite around something awe-inspiring.  GCBeard lists off some of her many business responsibilities, wondering how she’d ever have time for A-Magda’s silly little play and why she’d want to help out someone who crushed her dreams by casting her as a leper instead of the lead.  GCBeard calls A-Magda evil to the core and kicks her out.  A-Magda stays put, calling GCBeard a quitter and accusing her of being afraid of A-Magda as director.  GCBeard refutes her contention, saying that this is about besting Queen B and getting her time in the spotlight.  A-Magda sits before her, calm and collected, inviting her back to the show, calling herself a dream-maker.  The same evil look comes over her face as she gets her first real taste of power and manipulation.  Like drugs to a recovering addict, A-Magda’s mean girl sobriety just went down the toilet.

Meanwhile, socially sanctioned meanness plays out in Low Fat Sharon’s kitchen as she gets her first lesson from Mom Mary Jo, Image Consultant and Pageant Coach to the Stars.  Mom Mary Jo turns on some stage lights directly in Low Fat Sharon’s face, telling her to suck up the pain and show her what she’s got.  Sharon spouts off some nonsense about her bible inspired meal plan as Mom Mary Jo looks on horrified.

How has this woman ever won pageants?  Oh, right… they probably didn’t have an interview competition.

When she’s done, Mom Mary Jo turns off the lights and delivers a string of suggestions in order to be taken seriously—lower the voice an octave, use graceful hand gestures, and never say “Y’all!”  I can see where that might work in a pageant, but on a TV program where the goal is to sell shit?  Then, Mom Mary Jo questions Sharon’s bangs, but Sharon calls the curl her trademark, like Farrah’s bangs, Kate Middleton’s wave, or Donald Trump’s forelock.  HAHAHAHA!!!!  Mom Mary Jo insists that Stopper girls aren’t defined by wisps of hair, but by substance and stature.  Again, fine for a pageant, but would you buy anything from a stiff backed girl with a fake smile and questionable talent?

Fooling people into buying a weight loss program is NOT the same as fooling judges into thinking you’re not a spoiled brat.

Mom Mary Jo pulls a bobby pin from her own trademark hairdo and pins back Sharon’s curl, much to her chagrin, then prompts her with a scripted message.  Low Fat Sharon corrects Mom Mary Jo, saying she only lost 12 lbs… not the 60 that Mom Mary Jo wants her to say.  But Mom Mary Jo responds that 12 lbs isn’t sexy…. It’s a stomach virus!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  SO TRUE!  If a company could figure out how to bottle and legally sell the stomach virus, it’d be the most lucrative and effective diet aid on the market.  Mom Mary Jo turns the lights back on Sharon and tells her to try again.  Flustered and whatever confidence she may have had suddenly shaken to the core, Sharon delivers her line with the grace of a ventriloquist dummy and the voice of Jeff Dunham.

Back at the church, the play has moved into dress rehearsals, apparently, as they practice the miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead scene.  In what may be the gayest musical number that side of the Great White Way, GCBlake tears off his funeral shroud and prances around in a silver lame costume, gray head band and hippie wig, singing a song that sounds like it was pulled from the B side of the music industry’s only disco/gospel album from the deep 1970’s.  AND I LOVE IT!!!!

Raise you’re hand if you wish they were doing Hair, rehearsing the nude scene, and the show was airing on HBO.

Pastor Hunk looks horrified, and A-Magda worries that he hates it.  But not to worry, because Pastor Hunk is a Fan-ilow and he LOVES it!  The scene is interrupted by Queen B barging in wearing her holy spirit costume, announcing that her Mexi-Maid burned her thumbs gluing some extra rhinestones to the costume.  A-Magda calls a 5 so that she can talk to Queen B for a minute, taking her to her office for a chat.

A-Magda closes the door behind them, announcing that she’s coming to Queen B for some Christian understanding.  More like a Christian sucker punch!  An oblivious Queen B offers no other kind of understanding.  Damn, she’s like a raccoon or opossum hanging around on the side of the road until a car comes speeding by before darting out into traffic only to get flattened.  A-Magda warms her up, talking about how changes are sometimes necessary in the theater, particularly with recasting.  This would be a great moment for a Smash reference, if the two shows happened to be broadcast on the same network.  Screw Uma Thurman… KC would have been an AWESOME Marilyn Monroe!  Oh well, Queen B is the lead in this particular musical, and she agrees with A-Magda, calling Bozeman a terribly unconvincing leper.  Exactly! Which is why A-Magda needs Queen B to be the leper.  Queen B immediately responds that Bozeman is a TERRIFIC leper!

If you take the spotlight away from me, I’ll shrivel up and die!

A-Magda paints a rosy picture about the role of leper, but Queen B freaks out about losing the lead, drawing an amazing parallel to their high school days when she was cut from cheer because of bad skin, and now A-Magda is making her play the leper.  HAHAHAHA!!!!  Unfortunately, GCBeard is now cast as the holy spirit.  Queen B refuses and goes to leave, but A-Magda’s mean girl rears her ugly head, playing upon Queen B’s own addiction to the spotlight, threatening that people will forget about her wonderful talents if she leaves the production entirely.  Queen B doesn’t know what she’ll do, starting to cry as she tries several times to maneuver out the door with the massive wings on her costume.  Shame hits A-Magda as she drops her head in her hands.

Later on, Queen B commiserates with Heather, wearing a veiled hat to hide her acne breakout caused by the stress of the situation.

You have a pimple… stop acting like you’re aunt just died.  Oh… wait.

Heather tries to spin the situation, suggesting A-Magda had good reason for the recast, pointing out that people in power have to make hard decisions.  Queen B agrees, pointing out that she’s in a power position with her multimillion dollar Condos for Christian Living development project.  They’re still working out the legality of that particular endeavor, but she asks Heather how she’d like first dibs at selling the units.  Heather’s mouth waters like the fat kid’s in Willy Wonka walking into the Chocolate Factory.  Queen B is willing to be generous… if Heather will fix the leper situation.  Heather freaks out, wanting no part of the Hillside Park Memorial version of the Hunger Games.  However, Queen B proceeds to threaten pulling all of her business from Heather if she doesn’t rewrite the play.

What?  Does all your business come from Queen B?

Cut to rehearsals again where GCBeard is getting fit for her flight harness. Queen B arrives in a bedazzled leper’s robe with Heather in tow.  A-Magda asks Heather what she’s doing, and she responds that she’s surviving as she passes out a rewritten script, making the leper the lead and the holy spirit mute.  GCBeard asks if A-Magda if she’s gonna stand for this as the director, and A-Magda pulls Heather aside to talk about the changes.  Heather’s only intention was to help her with the play and maybe hook up with the dentist in the chorus.  She never wanted to get caught up in the old high school games, but now that her livelihood is at stake, she has no choice but to bend to Queen B’s will.

Next time, bribe the director AND the writer!

We check in with Mom Mary Jo getting Low Fat Sharon ready for her home shopping premiere.  Sharon is completely nervous and Mom Mary Jo tries to keep her on point by firing pointers at her.  She sends Sharon out onto the sound stage one level below full blown panic.  The show starts, and Sharon looks on the verge of a complete breakdown.  Thanks to the marvelous graphic on the screen, we learn that Sharon’s diet plan costs $1,300 a month!  Good fucking luck selling 500 of those!  The host introduces Sharon, who kick starts her speech floundering to incorporate all of Mom Mary Jo’s training, accidentally giving away all her talking points that were supposed to get her through any lull in the hour long show.  Fear strikes Sharon as she tries to ad lib, starting a discussion about peace in the Middle East, completely going off topic <insert sound of record scratching>. Sharon completely falls apart, forgetting to keep her voice low.  Mom Mary Jo gestures from behind the camera, prompting her to check the phone lines.

Bad idea!  I’d call in just to bitch about the cost.

Oh, if only there were people actually waiting on the phone to talk on air.  The host smiles at the camera, asking Sharon if she’s all right.  Overcome by stage fright and humiliation, she responds no, fleeing off camera with Mom Mary Jo close behind while the host ad libs for the benefit of live TV.

If you look out the window, you can see Mom Mary Jo chasing after Sharon.  Well, that was an EPIC FAIL if ever there was one!

Back in church, GCBeard hangs above the stage looking bored now that she’s got nothing to do while Queen B narrates the tale as the cured leper, tossing multiplied fishes and loaves into the audience and stealing some of Jesus’ lines.

Angels In America: Millennium Approaches?

A-Magda, having had enough of this nonsense, announces that they’re going back to the original version of the play with Queen B as the holy spirit.  GCBeard threatens to pull the miracle of flight from the show if she’s not the lead, and A-Magda relents, saying she can do whatever she has to do.  Suddenly, Queen B realizes why she was recast as the leper, calling shame upon A-Magda for her underhanded techniques.  However, Heather calls Queen B out on her own underhanded technique to get the play rewritten in her favor.

BUSTED!

With all the skeletons out of the closet, GCBeard and Heather go at each other until Queen B focuses their anger on the true culprit—A-Magda.  Bobby Ewing/Jesus and GCBlake keep the girls in check as they advance on A-Magda, who takes this moment to stick up for herself.  She claims to be doing all this for the good of the church and Pastor Hunk.  The Adult Mean Girls call her out on her own selfish motives, harkening back to A-Magda’s high school days and her rekindled lust for power.  A-Magda admits recasting the lead to get the equipment for the show, pointing fingers at all of them for ruining the show and accusing them of hanging on to high school grudges.  And Mean Girl A-Magda takes center stage, calling them insecure, desperate, pathetic losers and throwing a power hungry tantrum in front of everyone, demanding that they do what she says.

All work and no play make A-Magda a dull girl.

GCBeard, Queen B, and Heather promptly walk out, along with the rest of the cast.  Unless the real Jesus steps in with another miracle, it looks like this show will not be going on.

Sitting in an empty church licking her wounds, Pastor Hunk comes in wondering where everyone went.  A-Magda tells him that the musical is off, and a not surprised Pastor Hunk relents, resorting to Plan B—a Messiah Sing-Along, which as LrhFlute can tell you, are amazing when done right.  A-Magda wonders why Pastor Hunk isn’t disappointed, seeing as how Reverend Dweeb will likely lord this over Pastor Hunk as another thing he’s better at.  But Pastor Hunk isn’t a proud man and he’s not going to let it get him down.

Even Pastor Hunk doesn’t fully believe in the rising above crap.

A-Magda admits to having an ulterior motive with the production.  She wants to do good things, but being back in Dallas is just a constant reminder of how awful a person she used to be, narrowly avoiding swearing in church and in front of Pastor Hunk.  He comforts her by pointing out how she has changed, feeling bad about how she had hurt people in the past.  He tells her that she can’t control when others choose to forgive her.  She can only forgive herself and be patient until others come around.  AWWWWWWWW!!!  There’s our life lesson for this episode, folks.  And delivered with amazing sincerity by Pastor Hunk.

Yeah, I’ve got a full blown man crush on him now, if it wasn’t already obvious.

And again, I ask, “HOW ARE PEOPLE LEAVING HIS CHURCH!??!?!?”  Pastor Hunk counsels that old wounds are hard to heal, and all you can do is move forward.  Suddenly, A-Magda realizes that moving forward isn’t the solution.  She’s gotta go back.

Back at the TV station, Mom Mary Jo manages to get Low Fat Sharon to unbarricade herself from the dressing room by promising she doesn’t have to go back on the air, only to pull that rug out from under her, begging for Sharon to go back out there.  A devastated Sharon can’t do it, having failed everyone.  She confesses to Mom Mary Jo how much her family needed this to succeed, given how slow the luxury car market has been.  With the dealership going under, Losin’ It with Jesus was to be their salvation.

Bonding over saving face

 Mom Mary Jo admits to sinful pride of her own, telling Sharon how she turned to pageant coaching after A-Magda ran off to California to distract people from seeing her own failings as a mother.  She encourages Sharon to go back on the air, but as herself, pulling the bobby pin out of a tearfully happy Sharon’s hair and letting her trademark curl fly.  AWWWWWW!!!!

Back in front of the camera, Sharon is now her charming, bubbly self, joking around with the host about the biblical origins of mustard vinaigrette.  With God, she says, all things are possible, including finding 500 rubes to spend $1,300 a month for matza, grilled fish, and bible quotes.

IT’S A MIRACLE!

I’ve also done the math, and that amounts to $650,000.  After Texas Excess takes their cut, and after overhead, there should be a hefty profit in there somewhere.  Too bad Low Fat Sharon didn’t take the sheer magnitude of cooking and delivering 3 meals a day for a month to 500 people into consideration.

Good luck with that!  Good thing they live so close to a vast resource of cheap ass labor.

Meanwhile, GCBeard, Queen B, and Heather gather in a mysterious parking lot, all lured there by the promise of a Neiman’s secret warehouse sale.  Unfortunately, the secret text from a blocked number brought them to the Hillside Park High School gym parking lot where they’re met by A-Magda in her high school cheerleading outfit instead of racks upon racks of designer discounts.

I’m sure there’s a horror movie out there with this as it’s primary plot devise.

A-Magda explains that the uniform is symbolic of the time when she was a Fox and gave each of them mudbaths, branding them as Hovelinas.  Cue pull cart with buckets of mud, to which they all suffer from PTSD flashbacks.  However, A-Magda explains that the mud is for her and not them.  She hands over the buckets, begging a reluctant Queen B to sling the mud in the name of divine retribution.  However, Queen B sites the other testament, where they turn the other cheek (remember that episode?).  A-Magda pulls a Mean Girl one more, goading Queen B by telling her that she’s slept with Cool Hand Luke, revealing that she caught her son masturbating to a photo of her, and finally that Queen B will never be a star, even if a meteor destroys Hollywood.

Divine retribution never felt so good!

And vanity does the trick as Queen B shrieks loudly and hurls the mud onto A-Magda.  Empowered by the scene, GCBeard steps up, shouts once more that she doesn’t have herpes, and slings handfuls mud at A-Magda.

Mud… it’s not just for facials anymore.

Finally, Heather steps forward and throws her mud onto Queen B.

Think she missed on purpose?

They all bust out with laughter, throwing leftover mud at each other, exorcizing their high school demons once and for all!  A-Magda asks if everyone feels better as Queen B turns over an empty bucket and collapses onto it in despair.

I coulda been a contender!

A-Magda apologizes for what she said, assuring Queen B that she didn’t really mean what she said about becoming a star.  Queen B disagrees, saying that she tried to become a star, coveting the life that goes along with it.  But she met Bobby Ewing and gave up her dreams.  She loves her life, but she regrets giving up her dreams, which is why she’s so desperate for all the lead roles and solos in church.  GCBeard praises Queen B for living out her dreams every week in church and admitting to wanting to be a star like Queen B for just one day.  Queen B offers the lead role, but GCBeard refuses, more than mildly content to be the supporting leper.  Queen B then apologizes to Heather for using her power against her, offering up the Condos for Christian Living as a peace offering.  Heather takes the opportunity to negotiate a higher commission, and all is forgiven.  They join forces despite everyone else walking out on the production as well, and they head out to save the musical.

After cleaning up, they all arrive at the church, needing a miracle in order to pull this off.  Cue Bobby Ewing dressed up like Jesus, complete with stage lighting in the background shining above his head like a halo.

Practicing parting the Red Sea?  Oh, wait… that was Moses.

Before he’ll let them back in, he makes sure that they’ll behave like decent honorable Christian women.  GCBeard, Heather, Queen B, and A-Magda fervently agree, and Bobby Ewing/Jesus calls for them to get the show on the road.

As showtime approaches, people file into the sanctuary, greeted by Pastor Hunk and A-Magda.  Reverend Dweeb takes his seat with a sour look on his face, clearly not happy with the possibility of getting upstaged.

I hope you’re hungry for some humble pie!

A-Magda, now backstage, passes along encouragement to everyone, as she takes a spot next to Heather in the wings.  The lights go down, and Bozeman, as the fig tree, misses his opening cue, thanks to his iPod blasting in his ears.  A-Magda hurls a plastic loaf out there to get his attention.

How did you get out on stage with the iPod in the first place?

No live production is without hitches, and Reverend Dweeb chuckles to himself with evil satisfaction.  The musical begins as we get a montage of scenes while country music plays in the background.  Talk about missed opportunity!  Couldn’t they write some funny fake lyrics or used songs with appropriate lyrics? Because the show actually looks pretty damn good and comical.

Red, Red Wine

I can’t live if livin’ is without you…

Who knows what miracles, you can achieve…

Pastor Hunk loves it, and Reverend Dweeb is suddenly very, very scared.  Heather gets a little sugar from the dentist in the chorus as he exits the stage.  Things seem to be going so well as A-Magda comments that the finale is gonna rock.

Booty call after the final curtain call?

The chorus rushes up the center aisle as the final number commences with Queen B singing lead on “Jesus is Just All Right.”  Reverend Dweeb pulls out a camcorder for a little espionage of his own as Bobby Ewing and GCBlake come out on stage with guitars.

Thirty seconds away from triumph… which means they’re 15 seconds away from complete disaster.

Meanwhile, backstage, Heather realizes that GCBeard is the last person to have worn the harness, and it was never recalibrated for a much smaller, much lighter Queen B.  At that moment, Queen B takes flight, and things immediately go all Spiderman on Broadway as she’s hurled around overhead.

Pride still comes with a price.

Screaming in terror as the cast and audience look on horrified until finally, Queen B is thrown into the stained glass window, shattering it.

Well, that’s gonna be expensive to replace.  Good thing most of them are rich.

Queen B falls to the floor behind the funereal altar part of the set.  Bobby Ewing/Jesus helps her up, and in true star fashion, Queen B finishes the song as if nothing happened.

The show must go on!

The dentist leads Heather out on stage for a bow, while A-Magda apologizes to Pastor Hunk, offering up her resignation as church secretary.  Pastor Hunk, however, rejects that idea, pointing out that, while he doesn’t approve of clapping in church, this particular round of applause means good things for his congregation.  He forces her out on stage to take a bow, and Queen B, GCBeard and Heather quickly take center stage in front of her to shower themselves in the glorious adulation.

Here’s hoping people noticed you enough to effective wipe that karma slate clean.

But hidden behind the holy spirits angel wings, A-Magda allows herself to feel proud of herself.

And that’s it.  There were quite a few LOL moments in this episode, but indulge me a small amount of disappointment.  Considering the plot device was a musical production, would it have hurt them to do a little more singing and dancing?  But I guess that’s the gaybie in me talking.  It was nice to see A-Magda playing Mean Girl for a change, instead of her usual reformed sinner/retaliation victim. And what a great Mean Girl she played!  Also, if GCBeard is trying to get pregnant, should she really be on an ice cube and bamboo cleanse?  Just saying.

No episode this week, so Slumrville gets to recharge his batteries and recommit to recapping the rest of the season.  Take it easy, y’all!

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