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Greetings and salutations, Gasmii! Welcome back from our one week hiatus. I didn’t realize how much I’d miss GCB until it skipped a week, which is the mark a great show, or a very guilty pleasure. Either way, I’m hooked. I’ll apologize right off the bat for the lateness of the recap. My birthday was this past week, and I was marginally distracted. If you feel so inclined, I accept Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Discover, Traveler’s Checks, gift cards, cash, and pocket change!
For those (like me) who have already forgotten where we left off, the last episode was the Hillside Park Memorial Church Musical, The Miracles of Jesus, where Amanda (Magdalene, aka A-Magda) let out her inner Mean Girl as director of the production; Cricket and Carlene (GCBeard and Queen B) battled each other via manipulation for the lead role; Sharon (Low Fat Sharon) went on home shopping TV to hawk her Bible-based diet plan, and Pastor Tudor (Pastor Hunk) fought the sudden defection of several families in his congregation to rival Reverend Steve’s (Reverend Dweeb) church.
This week picks up at Sunday services where Pastor Hunk is preaching about the biblical origins of women, taken from man’s rib.
Haven’t ribs caused enough trouble on this show already?In the pews, Cool Hand Luke jokes about them sharing his “bone” and A-Magda flirts back, causing Luke to blush inappropriately in church. Nothing like sexual innuendo to get yourself through a boring sermon. Luckily, Pastor Hunk wraps it up, inviting Ripp (Bobby Ewing) up for another community announcement. This coming Saturday is the annual Interfaith BBQ invitational, and all able bodied men are invited to join their team, Braise the Lord. Not so clever wordplay, considering it suggests cannibalism. Then again, most Christian faiths imply cannibalism with the symbolic turning of bread to the Body of Christ. The only difference is the BBQ sauce.
Or bacon flavored icing! YUM!At coffee hour, everyone gathers for appropriately themed snacks and excited conversation. Queen B walks in with foam fingers for the wives of their grill-master husbands. Heather wants one, but since she has the nerve to be single, and therefore, no one to cheer for on the team. GCBeard does point out, however, that the BBQ is a great place to meet an eligible wealthy bachelor for Heather to sink her hooks into. Heather claims to not be that shallow, and the Adult Mean Girls giggle knowingly.
Looks like some people haven’t forgiven her for the Sheryl Crow Power Trip incident yet. Heather storms off in a huff while Low Fat Sharon announces that she won’t be able to support the men folk, seeing how busy she’s become with Losin’ It with Jesus. GCBeard won’t be attending the BBQ either. Her ovulation cycle has passed with no succeed and GCBlake is up at the ranch breaking in a new “stallion” instead of “smoking hot links with the boys.” He will be missed, as Low Fat Sharon points out how GCBlake knows how to handle his “sausage.” HAHAHAHA!!!! I’m loving the gay penis jokes, but the writers are doing my job for me! Meanwhile, GCBeard is searching for a stud… for her horse, and she’s determined to get her hands on the best semen money can buy. Hey, if GCBeard can’t get pregnant, might as well try to breed a Derby winner. And the lucky suitor for Cleopatra’s Crown? Sword of Caesar. Hmmmm wasn’t Mark Antony Cleopatra’s lover? Ever since he split with J-Lo, his love life has gone to the dogs… or horses in this case. Failing Zach pulls Low Fat Sharon aside to introduce her to a local reporter, with photographer in tow, for a feature on Losin’ It with Jesus (What Would Jesus Eat, aka WWJE). She gushes over Sharon, and Zach tries to horn in and take over the spotlight, like any chauvinistic businessman, but they want the face of WWJE, and Zach is quickly sidelined, holding her purse.
Meanwhile, Bobby Ewing is talking to Will, trying to recruit him for their BBQ team. Remember him? A-Magda’s teenage son? Yeah, that’s because we’ve seen him maybe all of once or twice since the premiere. And it looks like we won’t be seeing him again this episode, since he has no interest whatsoever in joining the boys for the cook-off. However, Laura wants to participate, asking if she can join instead. Bobby Ewing laughs condescendingly, informing her that BBQ’ing is a man’s game.
Or at least, that’s what generations of women have led men to believe so that they don’t have to do it!Laura musters her best impression of Gloria Steinem, citing the WNBA, LPGA, and Danica Patrick as evidence that women can be successful at “men’s games.” And she scores one out of three, since the first two are lesbian dominated, and that’s still considered male-adjacent. Bobby Ewing tries to ease the hostility, pointing out all the things that women can still do, like fetching drinks for the men folk so that they don’t get dehydrated, slaving over the hot coals. A-Magda eavesdrops on the conversation, insult and anger brewing within.
But science has proven it! The BBQ gene originates in the male specific Y chromosome!Queen B jumps on stage for a mini-pep rally, introducing the Hillside Park United Memorial BBQ team on stage for a group prayer. A-Magda starts complaining about the blatant sexism of it all, and Cool Hand Luke pulls out the tired argument that grilling meat is a male art form. It’s kinda true, though. My dad couldn’t boil water if his life depended on it, but the man can grill any meat to moist, juicy perfection. A-Magda shoots him an icy cold stare, arguing that it sends the wrong message to their daughters, and he immediately backs off, imploring her to not get upset. Coolly, she responds that she doesn’t get upset… she just doesn’t take no for an answer. Spoken like any argumentative prick who wouldn’t have shown any interest in something until and/or unless told that they can’t do something. At some point, you gotta let a few things go, but she can’t. Everyone joins hands and closes eyes for a prayer in support of Braise the Lord when A-Magda takes the microphone hostage, announcing the formation of the first All-Female BBQ team with her as captain and Laura as sous chef.
Gender equality in BBQ’ing? What’s next, voting democratic? Laura thinks it rocks, but Queen B is less than thrilled, pointing out that they’re burning charcoal here, not bras. She grabs A-Magda’s hand to conclude the prayer, seeking intercession for A-Magda to be graceful in defeat. Gigi (Mom Mary Jo) interrupts to support her daughter by shouting “OR VICTORY!” A chorus of Amen’s goes up as A-Magda suddenly looks nervous and the ladies look on with disapproval.
Later on, Mom Mary Jo, Uncle Berl, A-Magda and her kids gather around Granddaddy Stopper’s smoker, affectionately and insensitively named, Old Blackie, which sounds straight out of Gone with the Wind.
It’s a reference to charred flesh as a result of BBQ, not a throw back to the days of slavery. HONEST!Uncle Berl explains that it carried them to 7 consecutive victories in the Interfaith BBQ Invitational, and now the girls get to use it. A-Magda, showing her racial tolerance, suggests changing the name, but my concern is cleaning off the cobwebs and making sure that raccoons haven’t nested inside. Uncle Berl takes Will to the Cowboys game, and the girls stay behind. Laura suggests making tofu lime spice circles and artichokes, and Mom Mary Go laughs heartily at the foolishness that Californians consider BBQ. In Texas, it’s about the brisket. But before you can worry about the meat, you gotta worry about the chefs, and A-Magda is cautiously optimistic that women will use the sign-up sheet she posted at the church once they’re out from under their husbands’ disapproving stares. But since she brought up the subject, A-Magda turns the tables on her, using mother/daughter bonding to convince Mom Mary Jo to join the team.
Bitter disappointment or not, it’ll be a memory you can relive every year on Mother’s Day.Meanwhile, Bobby Ewing brushes up on his BBQ literature only to be interrupted by Queen B with a video about her “passion.” Excitedly, Bobby Ewing sits down, thinking she got naughty with her webcam. Much to his utter disappointment, she shows him a commercial she’s made, extolling the benefits of her Condos for Christian Living.
Not the homemade amateur porn he was hoping for. Queen B’s little cult compound boasts such amenities as the Feeding the 5,000 All You Can Eat Buffet, the River Jordan Waterpark, and the 40 Days and 40 Nights Wilderness Adventure. If that sounds enticing to you, get ye to an exorcist, STAT! Bobby Ewing humors her, but her insistence on keeping this development in the US is getting annoying. However, Queen B has done her research, and building on an Indian reservation in Oklahoma will allow them to skirt around those pesky discrimination laws. Bobby Ewing is resistant, point towards Cool Hand Luke and Uncle Berl as stakeholders in the project and needing their approval. Queen B just wants his support, and Bobby Ewing asks her forgiveness with everything he’s got going on right now. Taking that to mean the BBQ competition, Queen B flirts with him about smoking his meat and they end up hopping into bed for a quickie.
Over at Caruth Industries, GCBeard welcomes Mr. Massey into her office, eager for his stud’s semen. She invites him to take a seat, but instead of taking the chair across from her desk, he sits further back, prompting GCBeard to give up her power position behind the desk for the conversation. She hands him a piece of paper with a figure written down on it, explaining it’s what she’s prepared to pay for his stallion to impregnate her mare.
Watch out, GCBeard! That’s Connor from Ugly Betty! He’ll make you fall in love with him and then run off with all your money!Mr. Massey chuckles at the number, saying his gigolo stallion is fetching twice that price on the open market. GCBeard thinks that’s excessive, but the negotiations and the flirtations have begun. Mr. Massey, sporting a weak Texas accent, brags about the virility of his horse, spouting the corny line, “Caesar always satisfies.” GCBeard eats it all up, though, getting all turned on by his confidence, but getting him to agree to a guarantee before she pays his fee. He compliments her ruthlessness, which is the only way to effectively flirt with a woman like GCBeard. It works, though, as GCBeard immediately gets up and goes to the door to show him out, agreeing to the terms and instructing him to deliver Sword of Caesar to her stables later that afternoon. On his way out, he tells her he would have accepted half of her original offer.
If All Female is in quotes, does that mean gay men can join? Not that it matters, because they’d rather go on the spa retreat anyway.Over at the church, A-Magda confronts Queen B about her attempts to undermine her BBQ team by hosting a women’s spa retreat on the same day. Queen B denies any sabotage saying that it seems like the perfect time, what with all the men folk off BBQ’ing. A-Magda points out that she’ll miss the BBQ, then, but Queen B points out that she’s not going. She’s only picking up the tab, essentially admitting to the sabotage in the process. She suggests A-Magda go on the retreat since she could use the beauty treatments, yet Queen B can’t effectively point out any flaws in A-Magda’s appearance.
Damn you and your perfect skin and your progressive ideals! A-Magda asks why Queen B is standing in the way of her female empowerment exercise, and Queen B responds that men and women have biblically defined roles in the red states. A-Magda points out that BBQ isn’t specified as a man’s domain in the bible, and Queen B retorts that neither is the Jersey Shore, but we can safely assume what the Lord thinks about that. Yes, we can, Queen B. He loves guidos and guidettes just the same as all other humans created in his image, even if that image is somewhat distorted by excessive amounts of hair gel, protein powder and spray tan. A-Magda argues the version of equality where women can do anything men can (except peeing standing up), and Queen B takes the “godly” version of equality where Ours supersedes His and/or Hers. Queen B suggests A-Magda quit before things get worse for her, promising that people will understand. A-Magda stands her ground, or digs her heels in, however you wanna look at it.
Suddenly, A-Magda is working at Boobylicious, begging a reluctant Heather to join her BBQ team. Seeing how things worked out with the musical, I don’t blame her for refusing. A-Magda leaves for a second to deliver a Booby Basket, promising to come back and harass Heather more when a smoking hot dude walks up to the bar. The bartender identifies him as “Doc” and gets him a drink while he makes suggestive eye contact with Heather.
Well, hello there, handsome stranger!This must be an Ugly Betty reunion, because Doc is Santos, little Justin’s dad who got killed in a bodega trying to get to his son’s performance in West Side Story. I cried like a baby! Also, if Marc or Amanda (or both) happen to show up, I’ll probably spontaneously combust from sheer joy! Anywho… Bartender Girl delivers the drink, refusing his money since Ms. Cockburn won’t take money from her “surgeon.” The quotes become important in a minute. Heather starts flirting with him, surprised that Queen B lets her “surgeon” out in public and suggesting he’s made a fortune off of her. Doc responds that Queen B does love how he “trims her fat.” Ambiguity continues after Heather asks his specialty and Doc Danny responds with the all encompassing “everything.” Heather turns her head in profile, asking if he thinks she needs any work, but he can’t really talk. It’s his “busy season” and he has to get back to work. He does, however, ask for her number, and while Heather fishes out a card, she comments that she wasn’t aware plastic surgeons had busy seasons. Finally the truth comes out, as A-Magda returns to beg Doc for a brisket for the BBQ competition. Doc is plum out of brisket, unfortunately, but suggests she go with a side of beef that’s equal parts Japanese Wagu and Texas Angus… or Wangus, setting the stage for more penis jokes. Doc reveals himself as an actual butcher. Um… by some of the pictures splashed frequently on the cover of Star magazine, I’d suggest that butcher is a synonym for plastic surgeon. He turns back to Heather to get her number, and she promptly blows him off, saying she’ll just see him at the BBQ. Doc recognizes the brush off and politely makes an exit.
Dude, how many times do I have to tell you?!?!? You don’t have to marry the guy before you sample his wangus!!!! In his wake, A-Magda realizes what just happened and asks why she would do that. Heather blames it all on male insecurities and her previous attempts at dating guys who make less money than she does never seem to work out. A-Magda sees her point and backs off, but damn that was a stupid move. When will Heather ever learn?
Meanwhile, over at WWJE Headquarters, Low Fat Sharon navigates around crates of vegetables stacked straight to ceiling while interrogating Failing Zach about donating a luxury car to the winning team of the BBQ cook-off.
Kudos to the props department for situational accuracy here. Zach argues publicity from donating the prize to charity, but Sharon isn’t buying that argument, saying he should take an ad out in the paper. Then, the truth comes out—this is his year to donate the prize, and he couldn’t risk looking on the brink of financial ruin to his wealthy and powerful friends. Male pride… it’ll get you into trouble every time. Take it from me! Sharon doesn’t care how it looks to anyone else, insisting they can’t afford it. Zach, who’s having obvious difficulty with Sharon’s success, tells her to butt out of his business and he’ll butt out of hers. Yeah, because that’ll happen when WWJE goes national with Kirk Cameron as their spokesman. What an asshat!
Over at Team Women’s LiBBQ, A-Magda fiddles with spices and sauces, trying to turn herself into an overnight BBQ expert. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Mom Mary Jo stands around criticizing with a cool refreshing libation in her hand and offering zero help.
Where there’s smoke…Good thing she joined the team. Cool Hand Luke steps through the cloud of smoke billowing from Old Blackie. A-Magda greets him with an excited kiss, saying he gets to be the first to try her brisket. She stabs the slab of meat with a knife, and slams the charred flesh down on the table. Luke immediately knows he’s about to taste the equivalent of show leather, begging off tasting duties.
But she may have just invented Beef Flavored Chewing Gum by accident! A-Magda is at a loss over what to do, this being her 5thruined brisket. Well, that’s a couple hundred dollars down the toilet. Luke immediately checks smoker, identifying the problem immediately as having the temperature too hot, and offers some sage BBQ wisdom on how to correct the situation. A-Magda, however, refuses to accept any help from anyone with a penis, because that would defeat the whole purpose of Team Women’s LiBBQ. Flustered, A-Magda lashes out at Luke, as she’s been known to do when she’s backed into a corner, saying she’d rather fail than win with his help. Sufficiently insulted, Luke throws his hands up and backs away from Old Blackie and the crazy bitch with the knife.
– Revelation 18:18… Perhaps quoting the book of the bible that discusses the 2nd coming of Christ and Armageddon wasn’t such a wise idea. A-Magda apologizes, and Luke brushes it off, clearly used to her overreactions and fierce independence. He informs her that he’s heading out of town for a few days for business, and he’ll call her in a couple of days. Distracted, A-Magda fails to recognize the red flags, as he never confirms where he’s going or what he’s doing. As Luke walks off, he suggests she check things out with the smoker as flames suddenly shoot out of the exhaust.
I hope she has a fire extinguisher handy for when the surrounding shrubs catch fire, igniting the Great Dallas Wildfire of 2012!Later that night, Mom Mary Jo finds a defeated A-Magda wallowing in self-pity over her abundant failures, specifically regarding the BBQ competition, and looking at old photo albums of her and her dad, reminiscing about how they used to do everything together, EXCEPT for BBQ’ing.
So Women’s Lib is NOT her motivation here. She’s just working out some daddy issues. A-Magda laments the deeply rooted gender roles here, wishing for things to be different for her daughter. Mom Mary Jo offers some solace, saying that win or lose, she’s got smoke in her blood. And just like that, a light bulb goes off in both of their minds. They remember Daddy Stopper saying that it’s not the brisket but the smoke that makes the difference with the flavor. And they both try to remember where he used to get his wood. Considering he’s been dead 18 years, it probably wasn’t from Viagra.
Speaking of erections, GCBeard hangs out in her office watching a live feed from her stables as Cleopatra’s Crown waits for Caesar to Unsheathe his Sword.
Give them time! It looks like they’re still working on dinner.Mr. Massey shows up, summoned by GCBeard because of his stud’s impotency. She berates him over his failed promise, and he notices that she changed her lipstick. Just like that, GCBeard is hot and bothered, but as a lifelong Fag Hag, she should know that straight men, especially testosterone driven ones like those in Texas, don’t notice shit like that.
TEAM GCBLAKE!He tells her she didn’t have to freshen up just for him, and she responds that she doesn’t like what he’s implying. He plays dumb, and she brings up the chemistry between, insisting that sex is the last thing that’s gonna happen when they’re in a room together. And just at that moment, Sword of Caesar finally pierces Cleopatra’s Crown.
That’s your cue to shut down the webcams and give the horses some privacy. And now that the semen has been delivered, Mr. Massey is owed his fee. GCBeard promises he’ll get paid. He brings up GCBeard’s nasty ass daddy, offering sympathy for having to be his daughter. They share a brief tender moment, but when Mr. Massey tries to caress her shouldn’t, GCBeard’s Tae Kwon Do training kicks in, and she blocks his advance. However, instinct kicks in, and suddenly GCBeard is horny. Mr. Massey leans in for a kiss, but just before he hits pay dirt, she’s saved by the bell, which in this case, is a call on her cell phone. She identifies the call as urgent and sends him on his way. After watching him leave and taking a deep calming breath, she answers, but we never find out who it is or what it’s about. She just listens and then asks where.
Cut to A-Magda and Mom Mary Jo out in the dark with an axe looking for a pecan tree growing along the banks of Pepper Creek. So, it’s ok to for Uncle Berl to give up the secret wood, but it’s not ok for Luke to give advice on how to work the smoker? That’s a double standard if you ask me. Just as they find the tree, A-Magda’s phone rings. Shocked and confused, she answers Low Fat Sharon’s call, who is willing to join Team Women’s LiBBQ on one condition. If they win, she gets the car, no questions asked. A-Magda immediately asks a question… isn’t Zach donating the car? But Sharon shuts her up… NO QUESTIONS! HAHAHA!!! Thrilled by the sudden turn of events in her favor, A-Magda agrees, asking for a BBQ sauce for their meat. While they’re discussing options, the sound a shotgun pumping arises from behind them, and GCBeard instructs them to freeze.
Unless you tell GCBeard she’s a great mother a few dozen times. Then, she won’t be able to pull the trigger.A-Magda and Mom Mary Jo throw their hands up and slowly turn around; realizing that their daddies were all on the same BBQ team back in the day and the pecan tree is located on GCBeard’s property. She asks why they’re trespassing, and A-Magda spouts the same female empowerment song and dance routine. It hits home pretty hard for GCBeard, so recently reminded of her own daddy issues. GCBeard considers the request, and after realizing that her daddy always loved the pecan tree, she raises the shotgun and fires, shooting down a limb and offering them as much wood as they want. In the course of 5 minutes, Team Women’s LiBBQ goes from joke to contender.
And in case you were wondering, GCBeard is an incredible shot! Bobby Ewing gets back from a round of golf while Queen B shows up with a bunch of men in white jumpsuits delivering boxes and boxes of brisket. Bobby Ewing asks what the hell she’s doing, and she proud informs him that she bought up all of Dallas’ high end meat so that A-Magda can’t get her hands on any for Team Women’s LiBBQ.
You could have donated all that meat to a soup kitchen or something. Apparently, she’s carrying out God’s Will, and his most important issue at the time was thwarting the threat posed to Braise the Lord in the BBQ competition. Meanwhile, she asks how things went regarding Condos for Christian Living. Bobby Ewing has the unfortunate responsibility of telling her that the Indian reservation idea has been voted down 3-1, and Queen B blows a gasket since Bobby Ewing is supposed to be a supportive husband, fighting alongside her and helping her realize her dream of building a cult community without cruelty, spite, or Amanda Vaughn. He plays the smart business card, and squashes any hope of keeping the project within US borders. Then he pats her on the head as if he didn’t just sorta betray her and asks for her support in the BBQ competition. He walks out, not realizing that he just messed with the bull, and he’s about to get the horns.
Over at Boobylicious, Doc Santos makes a meat delivery of his own to a pissed off Heather. He found some brisket for Team Women’s LiBBQ and wouldn’t hand it over to anyone but her.
The polite thing to do is accept when a man exclusively offers you his meat.And now that he’s got an audience with her, he seizes the opportunity to call her out on her elitism and snobbery. But he’s well aware of how women turn their nose up at his job, asking flat out if he’s not rich enough for her. She tactfully explains that men can’t handle being with a women with a bigger paycheck. So very true, unless the dude is a gigolo or a lazy fuck. Doc Santos drops a little knowledge on her, pointing out that in this economic climate, Texan’s would rather buy their meat than expensive houses. Something tells me that Doc Santos makes a very good living on his own cutting up dead livestock and selling it to hungry carnivores. Hell, if I were a butcher, I’d probably flock to Texas too. Look at what happened to Oprah when tried to take on the beef industry, and she’s Oprah, for chrissakes. He lays out the deal, one brisket for Team Women’s LiBBQ in exchange for one date with him. Heather gives in, suddenly seeing Doc Santos in a completely different light, and that light is enhancing the rippling muscles beneath his too tight shirt, to which, I say, “Attagirl, Heather!” Doc Santos wishes her team well, but Heather informs him that she’s not on the team. He expresses regret, because girls who play with fire are HOT! I never considered arson as a turn on, but whatever floats your boat. Neither did Heather, but she appears willing to give it a try. While checking out Doc Santos’ ass, she calls up A-Magda and asks to join the team, as well.
Now we can both get meat!Back with Queen B, she sits on sofa, praying for forgiveness for her anger at her husband over his lack of support. From outside, hoots and hollers can be heard. Queen B grabs her binoculars to investigate, only to discover that not only has Team Women’s LiBBQ figured out Old Blackie, successfully grilling up a brisket, but also that Heather and Sharon are there, joining in the celebration.
How much more betray must Queen B suffer!Later that night, which turns out to be the eve of the BBQ Invitational, A-Magda seasons her precious Wangus and lovingly sets it in the fridge to marinate overnight. She exits the kitchen, turning off the lights and through the window, Queen B’s head pops up to make sure the coast is clear. Because she’s 4 foot nothing and skinny as a rail, she crawls through the doggie door with no trouble at all. Shouldn’t that be her first clue that this is a bad idea?
Crawling through doggie doors is always a bad idea. Just ask Principal Rooney.Surely, Tony and Romo aren’t tied up in the yard or crated in the house. No doubt they can smell her self-righteousness from a mile away. Queen B opens the fridge to find the brisket sitting there, unwrapped, which is a bad idea, right? Won’t it dry out or something? Get crusty? Probably not the point, considering we know what happens to said piece of meat from the previews. Queen B searches around the kitchen for something to ruin it, which is an effort in futility. Why not just run off the damn piece of meat instead of risking getting caught? Because that eliminates the wonderful comedic opportunity here, that’s why! Queen B grabs a box of baking soda, from about 50 on the island shelf, and just as she’s about to sabotage the brisket, she suffers a spontaneous crisis of conscience. She’s also busted by Tony and Romo, who flank her from both sides of the kitchen island, cutting off her path to the exit.
To them, Queen B looks like side of beef in a dress. As they close in on her, barking and foaming at the mouth, she sneaks into the broom closet while the dogs grab the beef and tear it to shreds.
After commercial, the disaster has been uncovered and A-Magda cries over her ruined slab of meat while Mom Mary Jo chastises the dogs and shoos them from the kitchen. She goes to the broom closet, to get a broom to clean up the mess, obviously, and Queen B hides behind the coats, holding out the broom and dustpan to be grabbed.
Good thing A-Magda is too overcome with grief to notice the hands holding them out, or the fact that they’re not touching the ground.But A-Magda is oblivious as she whines about doing all of this to prove her self-worth, or some shit. Damn, we get that you want to avoid making the same mistakes and build some financial independence and all, but shit. Your mom is loaded and your new boyfriend is loaded. Talk to me when you’re living in a rundown apartment in the middle of the hood taking public transportation to work instead of living in a mansion and driving a Bentley. But she finally lets her guard down and admits that she misses being taken care of. But she wants to be a role model for her daughter, female empowerment, blah blah blah. Mom Mary Jo gives her a hug, and proving the Spice Girls have a special place in Queen B’s heart, but steps out of the closet and hugs both of them.
Yes I was going to sabotage your team, but I’ve seen the light! A-Magda, realizing she’s there, goes ballistic, immediately putting the pieces together and realizing she’s behind Brisket-Gate. Queen B tries to explain, but Mom Mary Jo isn’t listening, whistling instead for Tony and Romo to attack! In the heat of the moment, Queen B offers to make it up to her with her freezer full of the best Wangus Dallas has to offer, asking to be a part of the team to get back at Bobby Ewing. Mom Mary Jo laughs, and with that, they may have just made a pact with the devil.
Cut to the Dallas Interfaith BBQ Invitational. A country band provides the entertainment while everyone drinks beer and chows down on BBQ. Through a cloud of smoke, Team Women’s LiBBQ emerges with custom shirts emblazoned with their actual team name: Spicy Racks. HAHAHAHA!!!!
Their BBQ may not be better, but they can still distract the men with their ample cleavage enough to ruin theirs.Dudes look on in amazement as if they’ve never seen boobies before. The other teams take notice of their new competition, in no particular order: United Meat-thodists, U-2 Can BBQ Vol. I, Abis-Kets (the Jews), and of course, Star of Beef-Lehem, Braise the Lord.
Let the BBQ of the Sexes begin!Team Women’s LiBBQ walks right up to Braise the Lord for their high noon standoff, and Bobby Ewing presents his meat for A-Magda to taste. Get your minds out of the gutter, folks! They exchange some competition-laden pleasantries while Failing Zach pulls Low Fat Sharon aside to ask what she thinks she’s doing. I guess he was too busy stroking his bruised ego to notice that she had joined Team Women’s LiBBQ? Sharon explains her plan—for the women to win so that they can keep the car and Zach can keep his failures private.
Stop emasculating me! He yells at her for acting like that man of the house, but let’s be honest. He hasn’t been doing all that great a job in that particular role, has he? Trying to get into A-Magda’s pants as soon as she arrived in town, running his business into the ground, and wanting to talk after sex with his wife. Life has certainly castrated this particular bull! All Sharon is trying to do is help her family, and most of all her husband, and all he can think about his is wounded pride, pointing a finger in her face and going all 5thgrade on her, saying they’re gonna beat them. Then he storms off to his posse to tattle. With the threat level suddenly raised to red, Braise the Lord calls a huddle to commit themselves to their BBQ’ing, putting their hands in and cheering, “Grill it and Kill it!”
We cannot lose to a bunch of girls! The future of men folk everywhere depends on this! Meanwhile, at the office, GCBeard gives into her school girl crush on Mr. Massey, calling him up on the phone. She starts to leave him a message inviting him to her office to pick up the check before 2ndthoughts take hold as she sees the photo of her and GCBeard on her desk.
Sham marriage or not, she’s determined to stay faithful. Immediately, she backtracks, telling him she’s too busy to have him drop by, and she’ll put the check in the mail. AWWWWWWW!!! Meaningless sex with paid employees is one thing, but this must be different for her. Maybe she’s developing actual feelings for her gay husband now that they’re actually having sex.
Back at the BBQ, Pastor Hunk stops by Team Women’s LiBBQ to compliment them on their teamwork. As one who has firsthand knowledge of the animosity that exists between A-Magda and the Adult Mean Girls, he’s not the only one who’s surprised.
You should have let A-Magda run him over when you had the chance. And speaking of animosity, Reverend Dweeb shows up to say howdy and lord himself over his rival, shooting passive aggressive digs at his casual attire and his “wild streak” back in seminary. I can picture Pastor Hunk going away on spring break, getting drunk and doing a Guys Gone Wild video. Anyone else interested in someone uncovering that footage at some point during season 2? Pastor Hunk defends his decision to go collarless seeing as how it’s 300 degrees out there. Instead, Reverend Dweeb turns his passive aggression towards the ladies, calling their team name and shirts “not at all offensive or inappropriate for the young children.” Or tempting to the married men out there, no doubt. Pastor Hunk sticks up for his congregation, calling the competition healthy and good, and it increases his church’s odds for success. Slightly peeved, A-Magda asks what he has against “racks,” and perhaps oblivious to the innuendo, Reverend Dweeb admits to preferring “wangus.” HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’ll refrain from the making the obvious pedophile priest joke here, expect I probably just did anyway. Reverend Dweeb offers up empty well wishes and a puts his hand up for a high 5, to which Pastor Hunk reluctantly reciprocates barely able to contain his disdain for the man.
GCBeard shows up for a distraction from work, begging the question. Why is she working on a Saturday? Also showing up is Doc Santos, who compliments the smell of their BBQ and goes all sweet on Heather. The girls notice, and before she can be face with any disapproval, she admits to seeing him even though he’s not rich, but none of the girls give her any grief. GCBeard is frustrated over her attraction to Mr. Massey, Queen B is pissed at Bobby Ewing for not supporting her Condos for Christian Living, and Sharon is pissed at Failing Zach for being a chauvinistic meathead. The girls unite over the prospect of Heather finding herself a nice man, as opposed to a rich one, and it certainly helps that he’s got a full head of hair and a super nice butt. Ok, I embellished on the super part. Sue me!
Here’s to Girl Power!Just then, a drunk hill-jack-off shows up to sexually harass the ladies. He recognizes Sharon from TV and makes a filthy pass at her, suggesting she “lose it with him.” Failing Zach, noticing what’s going on, comes over to defend the ladies, primarily his wife, and without any provocation, he goes to punch Zach. Zach effortlessly blocks the punch with his left arm and lands his right fist square in the drunkard’s jaw, laying him out. Sharon swoons at the chivalrous gesture only to have the drunkard pop up and clock Zach straight in the face. He hits the deck, and as the drunkard wobbles to his feet, Sharon grabs a piece of Old Blackie and swings it, knocking the drunkard out for the count.
Girl can take care of herself!Fast forward to the competition judging, with all the church pastors participating. Meanwhile, Sharon puts a steak on Zach’s suddenly black eye. Good thing they’re at a BBQ with plenty of meat available. He whines about not being able to defend his wife’s honor right, needing her to step in and save the day there too.
Turn in your bro card! Sharon, proving to be the dutiful wife, says they knocked that fool out as a team because that’s what they do, and that’s what they are. A team! She calls him her hero, saving his ego in the process. Personally, I think she’s too good for this fool, but love is blind I guess. And because this is the final segment of a show that likes to wrap things up in neat little packages, a random man approaches to compliment him on sticking up for his wife’s honor and donating the car to charity. He gives Zach a business card, asking for a call on Monday to discuss a bulk luxury car purchase. I guess the dealership, and the Peachum’s personal wealth is saved.
Emcee for the BBQ Invitational, Uncle Berl takes to the microphone to thank the judges for this year’s contest and announce the winner. Drum roll please….. It’s SPICY RACKS!!! Score one for Girl Power!
Today, Texas BBQ. Tomorrow, complete world domination. The girls celebrate, much to the dismay of just about every red blooded male in the state of Texas. GCBeard sticks it to her nasty ass daddy, and Laura tells A-Magda that she’s proud of her. The ladies take to the stage to accept their championship trophy while Bobby Ewing hides behind his Ray Ban’s and the crowd starts chanting for Spicy Racks. Failing Zach joins in until Bobby Ewing reminds him of the shame his wife helped rain down on the male gender.
Later that night, Bobby Ewing gazes pitifully at his participant badge.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!If this were a kiddie pageant, at least he would have gotten a sash, a trophy, a crown, and some meaningless divisional title that really means “Loser.” Queen B walks in on his private moment of self-pity to dig the knife further in, asking how he couldn’t support her when she’s always been there to support him. He only responds that it’s complicated. WTF does that mean? He hasn’t been this cryptic since he was suffering from erectile dysfunction and desperately trying to find the money he invested with A-Magda’s Dead Crook Husband. Queen B informs him that she’s dismantled the board for her cult compound development project and appointed herself sole CEO and starting on Monday, she’ll be moving forward on her own. Bobby Ewing puts his foot down, declaring that the project will be built in unincorporated Juarez. Queen B asks why, and Bobby Ewing responds that the Lord spoke to him.
Moses got the 10 commandments. Bobby Ewing gets to build condos for Mexican christians. Now, if that ain’t the biggest crock of shit out there, I don’t know what is. But Queen B falls for it, hook line and sinker. Like any blind disciple, she’s immediately in awe that God chose to speak to him, about cheap ass condos. Seriously, if that’s what God is spending his time on, no wonder this world is falling to shit. Bobby Ewing feels bad that God chose to speak to him since this is her project, but Queen B is excited that he’s now as invested in the project as she is. She asks what God’s voice sounds like, and he responds with terrifying. Am I the only one who wants to shake Queen B here and yell at her to read between the lines? Something is going on here with all this double-speak and bullshit about hearing the voice of God. Queen B backs off, much to Bobby Ewing’s relief.
GCBeard returns to her office, only to find Mr. Massey sitting at her desk waiting for her. He says he wanted to see her again, and GCBeard relents, knocking his feet down to grab her checkbook so that he can hightail it out of there. He gets up and leans over her shoulder ever so close, smelling her hair.
Fight the temptation, GCBeard. You’re carrying the mantle for all of the world’s Fag Hags. She informs Mr. Massey that she’s a married woman, and he insightfully points out that she doesn’t act like one. She’s never mentioned his name, nor does she say “we” when talking about her personal life. Frankly, they haven’t really ever talked about her personal life, and their relationship has consisted of a single business transaction and two or three prior meetings. That’s rather presumptuous on his part. GCBeard, however, insists that her marriage works just fine. Mr. Massey questions if it’s everything she wants it to be. Her silence and the longing look in her eyes betrays her true feelings somewhat as he tells her he’s single and discreet and ready to fuck her brains out. He tells her to think it over and turns to leave. GCBeard calls after him that nothing is gonna happen. She and her fag love each other and he doesn’t leave her alone, GCBlake will kill him. She says good night, and Mr. Massey grabs her head and kisses her deeply. Yet, for all of her recent protests to the contrary, she doesn’t fight it. Afterwards, he takes the check and leaves while GCBeard stands there dazed and frozen.
And finally, Mom Mary Jo congratulates her daughter on the victory, and A-Magda calls Cool Hand Luke to share the good news and apologize for her behavior before he left.
When I get back, you can work over my wangus.Luke sits outside somewhere, drinking a beer, is quick to forgive her and starts to flirt with her until his call waiting beeps. His look suddenly gets serious as he says it’s important and he has to go. A-Magda asks him to give her a call when he’s back in Dallas, and Luke agrees. Then he takes the other call, and it’s Bobby Ewing on the other end of the phone.
What the hell is this all about?!?!?!? He can’t talk long, but he asks for news. Luke tells him that SHE is there, in JUAREZ, just like he thought. Bobby Ewing tells him to keep a close eye on her and he’ll be in touch. And that’s it.
HOLY CLIFFHANGER, BATMAN! Who is this mysterious Mexican woman? Why is Luke following her? And what does it all mean? This upcoming episode is the season finale, and if previous patterns hold true, we should have all our answers shortly. And I’ll be back next week with the recap. Have a great week, y’all!