Greetings, Gasmii! The plot thickens in fictional Hillside Park, Texas, and this week, we get a double dose of drama. With so much to cover, let’s just jump right in.
Last week, Amanda (A-Magda) rear-ended a naked dude, who turned out to be Carlene’s (Queen B’s) younger and more open-minded brother, and the two embark on a hot romance, despite Queen B’s interference. Uncle Berl, right on the heels of his wife’s death, realizes his life-long attraction to Gigi (Mom Mary Jo), and sets about wooing her. Heather takes over leadership of the church’s annual fundraiser, socking it to Queen B and Cricket (GCBeard) by working Adorkable Andrew’s connections to get Sheryl Crow to perform. While she achieves the $3 mil goal, she loses Andrew’s affections in the process, seeming to care more for his money and power than for him. And Philandering Zach brings their sex-crazed teenage son, Bozeman, home from military school to convince Fatty Sharon to quit her job at the church, ultimately succeeding by finally taking charge and fixing his problems at home.
We pick up the story this week at church, where Rip Cockburn (Bobby Ewing) stands at the lectern to give the week’s bible reading, “Turn the Other Cheek.”
Or as it’s known on the playground—Being a Pushover.
We’ll see how this all plays out. Promptly afterwards, Bobby Ewing announces the annual renewal of wedding vows between himself and Queen B, and the entire congregation is invited to the reception at their home. This year’s theme is “Gone With the Wind,” and in lieu of gifts, Queen B encourages everyone to make donations to their wonderfully purposeful charity, “For Children with Something.”
Bucking for an endorsement from Idol Gives Back?
A-Magda rolls her eyes. During the offertory, Bobby Ewing plays guitar and Queen B sings a hymn while Cool Hand Luke sneaks into the service and takes a seat next to A-Magda as Queen B notices with displeasure.
Just in the time for the most important part of the service-Tithing.
Despite the differences between brother and sister, Cool Hand Luke expresses awe at Queen B’s voice, saying it makes him feel closer to God. A-Magda looks on in disbelief, clearly preferring the powerhouse vocals of that other chick who starred in Wicked on Broadway and did a few episodes of Glee.
After the service, Queen B observes her brother swooning over her idea of the spawn of Satan. Realizing that her attempt at blackmail was wrong, she takes the sermon topic to heart, telling Bobby Ewing that she wants to “Turn the Other Cheek” where Cool Hand Luke and A-Magda’s budding relationship is concerned.
Meanwhile, Sharon talks to Pastor Hunk about the honor of being chosen as this year’s Matron of Honor. Thanks to her personal growth forged by her job at the church, she is ready for the massive responsibilities that go along with the crown, er bouquet—the Twelve Oaks picnic, the Burning of Atlanta BBQ reception. Pastor Hunk, new to the congregation, is nervous, but Sharon instructs him to just worry about reading the vows.
Imagine what the annual Christmas Pageant must be like. Think Radio City Music Hall times 10!
She’ll provide the horse and Confederate uniform. I wonder if they’ve enlisted the church’s black members to play the parts of Mamie, Prissy, and Uncle Peter.
Speaking of not knowing nothing about birthing no babies, GCBlake changes a lightbulb in the couple’s spacious living room while GCBeard discusses investing in sperm banks. GCBlake get all sentimental, to which GCBeard cautiously asks what’s the matter. GCBlake waxes poetic about their soon to be empty nest, and GCBeard preaches practicality with the end of pep rallies and parent/teacher conferences, leaving more time for corporate domination.
L’s ovaries just did a few backflips at the thought of GCBlake holding a baby. If I had ovaries, mine would have too.
GCBlake asks about their 15 year plan, which included 2 children instead of one, but GCBeard shrugs it off, changing the subject to his ranch foreman du jour. GCBlake, in turn, brushes that situation off, saying with certainty that he wants another child. GCBeard promises to consider it as the pilot comes over the loud speaker announcing their descent into Dallas. Wait, they’re on a plane? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Talk about 1st Class!
Over at Queen B’s house, Sharon tries on her costume, taking ownership of the Matron of Honor Melanie Wilkes parasol as the two get teary eyed about how positively antebellum she looks. I may be mistaken, but Texas wasn’t part of the confederacy, was it? (I stand corrected! Texas was very much a part of the Confederacy.)
You don’t think this wedding theme is racist, do you?
GCBeard arrives and goes straight for the scotch, sharing with her girlfriends that her husband wants another baby. She opens about wanting to try motherhood again, feeling like she failed as a mother with Alexandra the first time around. Sharon moves in for a hug, but GCBeard squashes that, calling an end to sharing and caring time. Heather barges in with flowers and presents, begging forgiveness for selling Uncle Berl’s land to Adorkable Andrew, effectively squashing the Condos for Christian Living endeavor. GCBeard chastises her for choosing a man over her friends, and only when Heather breaks down in tears does Queen B call an end to the groveling, popping open the bottle of champagne peace offering.
I’m back to being an Old Maid Spinster again! Haven’t I suffered enough?
Sharon takes the box of candy, and Heather goes to give the flowers to GCBeard, who rebuffs her. Actions speak louder than words, so Heather is gonna have to show GCBeard that she’s sorry. Let the groveling continue!
A-Magda walks Cool Hand Luke to the door after sharing a meal that consisted of turkey bacon, which is apparently blasphemous in state of Texas. She’s one Portobello mushroom burger or tofu corn dog away from excommunication, but Cool Hand Luke thinks it adorable, and A-Magda is optimistic about their chances.
Dead Husband who?
With some hesitation, she asks just how close Cool Hand Luke is to his sister. He doesn’t always agree with Queen B’s behavior, but he adores her. Then, he asks A-Magda to be his date to the GWTW vow renewal shindig across the street. A-Magda regretfully declines, given their history. Cool Hand Luke doesn’t quite understand, but he doesn’t push, leaving the invitation open. She kisses him goodbye, and pushes him out the door playfully with a huge infatuated grin on her face.
Her joy is short-lived, as Mom Mary Jo, eavesdropping from the staircase, calls her out on turning down Cool Hand Luke’s invitation just because she’s afraid of the blond nitwit in 20 inch heels. HAHAHA!!! And still, she’s shorter than everyone else! A-Magda tries to defend her position of isolationism, but Mom Mary Jo goes for the jugular, telling her daughter to not be a chicken, put aside their differences and cross the road!
And a little Angry Birds practice wouldn’t hurt, either.
In all the iterations of the chicken crossing the road joke, how often is the chicken flattened by a vehicle? I’d guess more often than not, but A-Magda manages to cross the street without incurring personal bodily injury, but little did she know she’d be walking directly into the fox’s den, populated by all four of the Adult Mean Girls.
Queen B, certain she’s not there to see her, calls for her brother, and Cool Hand Luke mischievously confides his costume idea to A-Magda, deciding to raid the Old South dressed as Abraham Lincoln. HAHAHAHA!!!! In the spirit of breaking the rules, A-Magda accepts his invitation, and Cool Hand Luke announces this development. Flustered, Queen B uncorks the champagne to sound of breaking glass, but gathers herself to call upon protocol. As the Best Man, his date needs to be someone in the bridal party. GCBeard suggests he take Heather, driving home the fact that she’s now broken up from Adorkable Andrew, and Sharon is available with Zach out of town. Cool Hand Luke counters by backing out as Best Man to attend the event with A-Magda as civilians. Queen B won’t hear of it since Cool Hand Luke will be her only family in attendance. The Mean Girls back up Queen B and how upset she’ll be if things don’t go according to plan, and GCBeard goes off on her own personal tangent about men not being able to change carefully laid plans at a whim just by virtue of having a penis. A-Magda tries to back out, telling Cool Hand Luke to give her a call once the circus has left town, but he grabs her before she can flee to safety. Cool Hand Luke threatens to bail on the event altogether, and Queen B panics, unable to believe that her brother is choosing A-Magda over her. Cool Hand Luke draws the line in the sand, to which Sharon tries to reason, pointing out that A-Magda doesn’t even have a dress.
Never corner a wild animal… or a spoiled, insecure, vengeful social princess.
Queen B, backed into a corner, wrestles the parasol out of Sharon’s clutches and gives it to A-Magda, making her the Matron of Honor if it means having Cool Hand Luke at the ceremony. A devastated Sharon collapses on the sofa, and a new civil war is about to erupt in the state of Texas.
Later on, newly dethroned Matron of Honor Sharon visits A-Magda to pass the torch, so to speak, handing over a heavy box full of the work Sharon has already put into the event.
Some people have too much time on their hands. I wanna be a spoiled little rich housewife and throw GWTW weddings for fun.
A-Magda, ever the trooper, wants to make Queen B happy because it’s important to Cool Hand Luke, and Sharon reminds her to get a gift for Queen B’s bridal shower, which she’ll be hosting, as the newly crowned MOH. The theme, wink included, is “Thy Rod and Staff, they comfort me.” And of course, they’ll be going on the bachelorette party vacation, overnight and out of town. Ah, I see… this is Bridesmaids 2, Dallas Vacation.
Bring on the food poisoning and shitting in sinks.
Prepare yourself for the hijinx, folks. A-Magda can barely mask her own panic as excitement, and Sharon wishes her well, as she’s no doubt inclined to sabotage everything along the way.
Cut to the bridal shower, and A-Magda’s first faux pas—failing to label the food of potentially allergic hazards, which Sharon apparently had clearly outlined in chapter 17 of the MOH manual. GCBeard helpfully offers and extra epi-pen in case of anaphylactic shock. Mom Mary Jo intervenes to rescue A-Magda from Sharon and GCBeard’s judgmental clutches, suggesting that perhaps Queen B might actually be making an honest gesture to build a bridge between them where Cool Hand Luke is concerned. Unless it started snowing in Dallas, A-Magda doesn’t believe for a second that that’s the case, and upon further thought, neither does Mom Mary Jo. Heather suggests they start opening gifts, and offers GCBeard a glass of champagne, trying to prove her loyalty and friendship. GCBeard, unwilling to give up any ground yet, hands it back, pointing out that it’s not chilled to the perfect 52 degrees. Keep trying, Heather. Eventually, she’ll crack.
A-Magda hands Queen B the first gift, which turns out to be a figurine of Jesus holding a shepherding staff.
Naughty? Also, what happened to making donations to your charity?
Queen B comments that dear, 82-year-old Aunt Whoever is right on theme as always, and Sharon gloats, instructing A-Magda to keep a list of gifts for the thank you cards. Flustered, A-Magda hands over the next gift, which is another religious figurine of Moses parting the Red Sea. It’ll go great with her collection of sacred statuary. A-Magda, realizing that she’s been dupped, tries to kick her gift out of sight, but Sharon swoops in to present it. First clue of inappropriateness—it’s presented in a semi-naked fireman gift bag. Second clue of inappropriateness—it starts buzzing prematurely. Queen B peeks inside, throwing it back on the table, realizing that that particular gift is definitely not sacred.
By virtue of being male, I’m positive that Jesus had a “rod” just like the one in the gift bag. So technically, it qualifies as religious statuary, right?
To the sound of feminine shrieks of non-pleasure, the inappropriate gift vibrates across the coffee table, almost taking out the religious figurines along the way.
Fast forward to nighttime, and A-Magda shares the Gone With the Wind manual with Cool Hand Luke, whining about all the ridiculous things it calls for her to do, including choosing the right song to play as the vows are being renewed. Cool Hand Luke suggests “Like a Virgin,” hoping the joke will lighten the mood.
This is no time for joking! You only get married once… a year!
A-Magda implores him to stop, to which he presses on by suggesting “I Want Your Sex.” HAHAHAHA!!!! In the spirit of levity let’s take a moment to help A-Magda come up with some wedding song options: “Red Solo Cup,” “I Touch Myself,” “White Wedding,” “Shoop,” “Bootylicious.” Make your suggestions in the comments! A-Magda fears that she’s can’t do anything right, and Cool Hand Luke gives her a little pep talk, assuring her that stuff goes wrong all the time. He points out that the horses got spooked by a snake at their 13th anniversary vow renewal, and he confides in her that he got high at their actual wedding and lost their wedding license. He encourages her to push through, and A-Magda starts to feel better about it, consoling herself in the fact that all that’s left is the bachelorette overnight getaway. Cool Hand Luke ominously wonders how bad that could possibly be.
Cut to the airport as A-Magda arrives in a sparkly sequined cocktail dress as Queen B, Sharon and GCBeard await with guns dressed to the nines in camouflage. That’s right! It wouldn’t be a Texas wedding without the hunting trip!
This fall on the Discovery Channel–Lady Hunters! 3 buxom beauties hunt game and husbands. Who ends up butchered in the freezer? Tune in to find out!
A-Magda wonders why hunting? A litany of women empowerment follows, along with some healthy competition since Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert apparently served self-killed deer meat at their wedding. Nothing says love like serving food you killed and butchered yourself. Heather arrives carrying GCBeard’s rifles, continuing the lapdog charade to get back in her good graces. A-Magda gives her shit about it, to which Heather turns the argument around on her being Queen B’s “Slave of Honor.” Should I be worried that blackface is expected somewhere in the future?
The pot calling the kettle black… literally.
Fast forward to the cabin in the woods (non-horror movie version), and A-Magda enters, having changed into some borrowed hunting clothes. A-Magda asks what Sharon has, and Sharon proceeds to sharpen her hunting knives in a threatening manner, saying she can skin a rabbit faster than anyone in Dallas and that was her talent back in her pageant days. HAHAHAHA!!!! I’d kill to see that on Toddlers and Tiaras!
Just be sure to make eye contact with the judges and smile!
A-Magda throws a little attitude over not being prepared for the reality of MOH-ship. Sharon offers an empty apology, explaining that she had already put in so much work that she should have been more detailed with regards to the transfer of responsibility. A-Magda responds in kind, saying she didn’t mean to step on her toes, only agreeing to do this for Queen B because it mattered to Cool Hand Luke. Sharon, unappeased, goes on to point her how much of a saint A-Magda is being given Luke’s track record with women. Apparently Cool Hand Luke is a veritable player, having never taken the same woman to more than one of these vow renewals, and the girls inevitably get dumped shortly thereafter. For his dates, it’s become known in their circle as “The Curse.” A-Magda is pissed, realizing that Queen B knew this from the beginning. Consider the seed planted. Queen B comes down the stairs ready to head out, and A-Magda grabs a rifle menacingly, pumping it just like Mom Mary Jo did back in the pilot!
NRA member or not, you can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take Texas out of the girl.
Out in the wood, Heather hangs a dropper of doe-in-heat urine for GCBeard, who approaches hunting the same way she does business—succeed at all costs. Her gift to Queen B is the buck of a lifetime to serve as a fitting trophy for her dining room wall. Heather continues to take orders, spraying GCBeard with human scent neutralizer (is that a real thing in the world of hunting?).
GCBeard needs a young, effeminate gay assistant. Comedic GOLD!
Meanwhile, A-Magda and Queen B bond in the woods on their way to pick the deer off at the creek. Queen B looks over her shoulder and rolls her eyes, pointing out that her gun is for quail, not deer, to which A-Magda brushes it off, saying she’s not going to shoot anything anyway. Queen B babbles on about A-Magda being a pacifist, but A-Magda isn’t interested in pleasantries. She tells Queen B to cut the crap, letting her anger get the best of her by accusing Queen B of having Sharon try to scare her off by bringing up The Curse. Queen B denies any involvement, but A-Magda isn’t fooled by Queen B’s so-called act with the whole MOH thing. Queen B has had enough of being accused of imaginary sins, swearing on her hunter’s bible (also in camouflage) that the gossip didn’t come from her.
I question your commitment to your own theme, Queen B. Scarlett O’Hara gorged herself on radishes when she swore to God that she’d never go hungry again.
Unable to leave well enough alone, Queen B points out that she’s been nothing but nice to A-Magda, even though it’s been one of most difficult trials God has set before her. A-Magda calls an end to the charade so that she doesn’t have to be out there pretending to like the idea of shooting innocent animals. Queen B can then stop pretending that she wants A-Magda out there with her. A-Magda declares that she’s leaving, calling after Queen B not to get eaten by a bear. Queen B tells her to leave the gun, and A-Magda throws it down on the ground. At impact, the gun accidentally goes off, shooting buck shot at the backside of Queen B. She falls to the ground shouting that she’s been shot as A-Magda looks on with her jaw dropping full to the floor.
Come on now, A-Magda. You can’t tell me you haven’t dreamed of shooting Queen B a few times since returning to Dallas.
Out in the woods, GCBeard rattles antlers together, mimicking the sound of two bucks fighting over a mate to attract the herd to her location. Heather tries to have girl talk, bringing up GCBlake’s desire to have another child, but GCBeard doesn’t want to discuss it, announcing her uterus closed for business.
Be careful, Heather. She’s got a gun, and she certainly doesn’t look afraid to use it.
To her gay husband, it certainly is, but after some self-pity about chasing Adorkable Andrew off, Heather gets GCBeard to admit how difficult being a mother is. She compares it to risky business, but Heather points out that GCBeard is a great mother to Alexandra. GCBeard tries to push the credit onto GCBlake, but Heather calls GCBeard strong and inspiring, a great role model for her daughter. GCBeard ventures into the land of self pity, calling her relationship with her daughter anything but close, and she doesn’t know how to fix it, nor does she want to make the same mistake again. Heather, however, doesn’t think they made any mistakes because they combine to be great parents, saying she’d give anything to have the kind of marriage they have… except for the gay part, but Heather doesn’t know about that yet. GCBeard is about to let her guard down when some rustling grabs her attention. A big beautiful buck of the animal variety steps out into their line of sight and GCBeard draws her gun. But with her motherly emotions so recently stirred, she can’t pull the trigger, and the buck gets away. Then, over the walkie talkies, A-Magda announces that there’s been a little accident.
Cut to Queen B’s bedroom, where a doctor is working on Queen B’s ass, removing buckshot while Bobby Ewing hovers to survey the damage.
Good News: You’re alive. Bad News: Your thong wearing days are over.
The doctor, who apparently makes ill-advised housecalls to unsterile environments, is apparently the same plastic surgeon who worked on Queen B’s nose after her “tennis accident.” Keeping up appearances is still important, even in the secure confines of her bedroom. If anyone can save her rump it’s him, and he ASSures them (*giggle*) that no lasting damage has been done. Bobby Ewing breathes a sigh of relief.
Downstairs, the girls and Cool Hand Luke await word on Queen B’s well being. GCBeard and Sharon lay into her, incredulous as A-Magda insists it was an accident. Heather downplays the incident, saying the wound looked like just a scrape. Queen B emerges from the wings, set up with crutches, asking how Heather got her medical expertise in real estate school and GCBeard says Queen B was shot in cold blood. Cool Hand Luke asks for another explanation, and A-Magda sticks to her accident story, admitting to some raised voices and saying that these things happen all the time. GCBeard, Sharon, and Queen B refute that claim, practically in unison. Cool Hand Luke, giving up the fight, tries to get them to all look on the bright side by pointing out that no one was seriously hurt. Heather agrees, but Queen B declares her week ruined. A-Magda implores her to put it all into perspective, calling upon those examples of vow renewals past to deflect attention away from her, including Luke losing the marriage license.
Getting shot in the ass isn’t the worst thing that could happen, right? I mean, it’s not as if you’ve been living in sin for the past 17 years, having sex and kids clearly on the OUTSIDE of legal wedlock, right!
Instantly, Cool Hand Luke freezes as all eyes turn towards him. UH OH! Queen B asks if he really did lose the very same license he was in charge of filing. Luke can’t explain what happened through the haze of marijuana, but when Queen B asks point blank, he’s forced to admit that he never found nor filed it. More jaws drop to the floor, along with Queen B’s crutches, and shortly after putting the pieces together that she and Bobby Ewing aren’t legally married, so does Queen B. PURE FACEPLANT!!! I hope the plastic surgeon hasn’t left yet.
Even while in the process of passing out, she had the presence of mind to not land on her surgically perfected nose.
The next morning, A-Magda finds Cool Hand Luke sleeping in his BMW. She knocks on the window, waking him up asking if Queen B kicked him out.
The car has to be running and sitting inside a closed garage in order for it to be considered a suicide attempt.
He gets out of the car, explaining it’s the only place where he could get some sleep, what with Queen B’s moaning and carrying on, the physical embodiment of the Wailing Wall. Cue overwrought wailing from Queen B coming from somewhere inside the mansion. A-Magda apologizes, not realizing that the bomb she dropped was of the nuclear variety as opposed to the cherry variety. But Cool Hand Luke has a sense of humor about it, decrying the downfalls of smoking weed at weddings. I smoked weed at a wedding once, and the only bad thing that happened was my feasting too heartily on the dessert buffet. More wailing can be heard, and Cool Hand Luke calls the vow renewal cursed. A-Magda takes the prompt to ask about his Curse, where his dates to these ceremonies are concerned. 16 dates for 16 anniversaries. Luke corrects her, saying it was 19, since three of his dates bailed before the event, and he picked up replacements along the way. Terror strikes A-Magda as she suddenly reconsiders the kind of guy she’s starting to get involved with, briefly falling into the hometown trap of being judgmental. Cool Hand Luke loses his cool, taking offense to being called a player, claiming to not be that guy anymore. Then he drops some real talk on her, saying that a lot of people warned him about getting involved with her, but he took her at her word of being a changed woman. Too bad she couldn’t extend him the same courtesy. Then he gets up and walks away, to which I yell, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” at my TV screen. I knew it wouldn’t last long, but still. We haven’t even gotten to see him shirtless yet. Sad kitty.
Way to be a hypocrite, A-Magda.
Up in Queen B’s bed chambers, Bobby Ewing tries to reason with his wife, saying they’re still married in the eyes of the Lord. He’s got a call into a judge, promising to take care of the situation. I could go on a diatribe here with regards to gay marriage, but I won’t. Despite Philandering Zach’s short lived attraction to A-Magda and Dead Bill’s infidelity, this show hasn’t really resorted to adultery to generate drama. And GCBlake’s marital situation is actually quite sensitive and meaningful. Sharon shows up to comfort Queen B with treats, but Queen B is inconsolable as she starts quoting liberally from Gone With the Wind. “Take it back to the kitchen, I won’t eat a bite.” That’s when Mamie brings Scarlett her supper before the Twelve Oaks picnic, and Scarlett is worried about her corset cinching her waist to a perfect 16 inches.
Looks like someone mistook the painkillers for Tic Tacs.
Queen B announces that she’s stoned on painkillers and she’s fixing to get more stoned before the day is out. Sharon won’t allow her to spiral into the clutches of addiction, but Queen B laments, “My life is over. Nothing will ever happen to me anymore.” That’s from after Scarlett’s first husband dies of dysentery at the beginning of the war. Sharon points out that all this started when she made A-Magda her MOH. Queen B slurs A-Magda’s name, calling her a “pale faced, mealy mouthed ninny. And I hate her!” That is Scarlett’s famous slander on Ashley Wilkes’ bride to be after she unsuccessfully throws herself at him at that opening BBQ. It’s also the scene where she first encounters Rhett Butler. There’s little parallel to GWTW and the storyline here, but the quotes are hilarious! Sharon, however, draws a parallel, calling Queen B’s marriage her Tara, and A-Magda has plundered it. But now that Sharon has reclaimed the MOH parasol, everything will be perfect again. Queen B, however, reacts negatively, asking how Sharon can talk about parasols and parties at a time like this. There’s no ceremony to renew, and no one cares about the stupid MOH. Sharon, beaten down all episode, finally lets loose. She cares about being MOH, and all she wanted was to do a good job for her best friend. Sharon takes the treats and leaves a sorrowful Queen B behind to continue her yowling in despair.
Meanwhile, across the street, A-Magda buries her sorrows in a huge bowl of cereal, having ruined things with Cool Hand Luke. Mom Mary Jo follows behind her, asking why A-Magda is sulking, because it’s certainly not over shooting Queen B with buckshot in her ass.
Put down the cereal and go get your man back!
A-Magda explains about the fight she had with Luke, and Mom Mary Jo suggests she settle things the Dallas way—make him beg for forgiveness and fork over jewelry. A-Magda takes all the blame for this one, and rightly so. Mom Mary Jo advises her to wipe off her shoes (from having stepped in shit), and march herself back to him. He’s not gone, as A-Magda seems to think, and A-Magda should show how sorry she is to something he likes, such as Queen B. Despite her continued reluctance to so do, A-Magda promises to try again to make amends with Queen B, for the sake of salvaging her relationship with Luke. One problem—how do you apologize for shooting someone? And even though we saw this joke coming as soon as the gun went off (not to mention the commercials), Mom Mary Jo skips off to find Dick Cheney’s phone number. Doesn’t make the joke any less funny!
Checking in with the Caruth-Reilly’s, GCBeard jokes about the world coming to an end now that Queen B’s marriage may not be legal. They giggle over the hilarity of it all, as gays often do with their hags. Right, L? But GCBlake recognizes that something is on GCBeard’s mind, and she brings up the topic of babies. GCBlake lets her off the hook, telling her that he respects her choice and he’s fine with it.
BEST HUSBAND EVER!
She responds that while she’s aware of her lack of maternal instinct, it wasn’t why she rejected his proposition on the plane. Her fear isn’t having children with him… it’s of having children without him. Because of their arrangement, another child would mean 18 more years trapped in a lie, and splitting up isn’t an option. GCBlake looks lovingly at his wife, and reaffirms his commitment to her and their family. Then they decide to have another baby. Dammit, I love their relationship, even if it sets my homos back a few decades!
For such a badass, GCBeard can be vulnerable too!
Back at Queen B’s house, A-Magda shows up with apology hydrangeas—for exposing the marriage license fiasco and for not believing that Queen B was genuinely trying to be nice…. Oh and shooting her.
The color of the flowers match the color of her mood. See…. thoughtful!
She was being pigheaded, but she never meant to ruin her vow renewal. Queen B wails, wondering if A-Magda knows what it’s like to find out your entire marriage was a lie. Um… Hello! Dead Husband sleeping with her best friend, cheating people out of millions of dollars and leaving her destitute and living with her mother. I think she can relate. Queen B continues to bemoan the harsh reality of her life now crumbling before her very eyes. She calls Mexi-Maid in to take away and destroy all the reminders of her anniversary celebration that is no longer going to happen. Mexi-Maid grabs the wedding dress, the dried bouquet, the box containing the top tier from their wedding cake that she and Bobby Ewing were going to feed each other, naked, on their 20th anniversary (still a few years away). A-Magda follows behind Mexi-Maid, imploring her to not be hasty. What if Queen B changes her mind, and it’s too late? M-O-O-N.. that spells unemployment.
Does anyone else wish Generic Mexi-Maid were more like Rosario from Will and Grace?
A-Magda takes everything out of Mexi-Maid’s hands, explaining that she’ll hold onto everything until Queen B comes to her senses. Except she can’t hold onto everything, losing her balance and dropping everything. The wedding cake box opens up, but instead of cake, a slip of paper falls out. A-Magda grabs it, and HOLY MATRIMONY, BATMAN! It’s the missing marriage license.
Cue Hallelujah Chorus in the background!
Suddenly, A-Magda is down at City Hall, rushing in to finally make amends. But who should already be down there but Cool Hand Luke, who has apparently been unsuccessful at his own version of making amends. He’s been down there, pleading his case for 3 hours, getting nowhere with Dallas bureaucracy. If you learn nothing from New York, bribe the poorly paid government underlings with some crisp Benjamins and the world is your oyster. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but it should allow you to buy a document filing. A-Magda shows him her discovery, a victim of a burning case of the munchies.
Don’t get too excited. You’re still responsible for eating the cake your sister wanted to share with her husband on their 20th anniversary. I’m pretty sure you’re still in the doghouse.
Cool Hand Luke laughs at himself and the situation, but warns her that she won’t get anywhere with Tubby Von Bureaucrat. A-Magda takes the challenge and saunters up to the window, banking on her feminine wiles to save the day.
Hmmm… this should be easy right? WRONG!
She explains the situation and asks that the document be filed retroactively. Cool Hand Luke leans forward to watch her work her magic, but lo and behold, her evil high school days come back to bite her in the ass again. Tubby asks if she remembers him, and when it’s clear that she has no clue, he refreshes her memory. Apparently, she convinced him to go skinny dipping with her, and when he was naked in the water, she got her jock boyfriend (soon to be husband, and then Dead Husband) to steal his clothes and humiliate him for no reason. Humiliated herself at having to face her Mean Girl past once again, she quickly eats crow and apologizes, imploring him to turn the other cheek. She makes the mistake of promising to do anything, and not one to miss out on a golden opportunity, Tubby Von Bureaucrat asks to see her Ta-Tas, as penance for not being able to see them back in high school. Cool Hand Luke jumps in to put an end to the madness, but A-Magda stops him. She says that this is for Queen B, then promptly flashes Tubby.
Good thing those flags were there! Otherwise, it’d be Nipple-Gate all over again!
Tubby is shocked that it actually worked, and I’d be willing to bet that those were no more than the 3rd pair of breasts he’s seen up close and personal in all his life, and the other two belonged to strippers and/or hookers. Cool Hand Luke tries to sneak a peek, but A-Magda elbows him in the ribs. Tubby exclaims that it was worth it, and A-Magda puts her shirt down and sets about making amends, instructing Luke to call Queen B to tell her the wedding is back on.
Queen B, GCBeard and Heather are getting ready for the ceremony. GCBeard announces that Heather has done her penance, and can now be welcomed back into the fold. Sharon shows up, but Queen B is slightly standoffish. Sharon drops off her homemade bird seed sachets and turns to leave, but Queen B stops her to apologize for taking the parasol away, not realizing what it meant to her.
And peace is restored to the Force!
Sharon tells her what hurts the most is being BFF’s but being passed up year after year as MOH. Sharon was starting to feel like she wasn’t good enough, but Queen B refutes that, claiming that Sharon was the girl Queen B wanted to be like, even going blonde because of her. Heather and GCBeard exchange ginormous eyerolls as Queen B fawns all over Sharon and they make up for good as Queen B bestows on Sharon, once and for all, the Melanie Wilkes MOH Parasol. A few air kisses and a “Fiddle Dee Dee,” everything is back to normal.
At least someone recognizes how ridiculous this shit is!
The church organ begins playing Not-Pachelbel Canon in D, and the girls get ready in the vestibule as Queen B floats in, twirling in just like Scarlett O’Hara.
Or Glinda in Wicked
A-Magda and Cool Hand Luke arrive, and Queen B thanks them for saving the day, even if it was all their fault in the first place. Cool Hand Luke gives all the credit to A-Magda for showing her boobs, and despite it being a sin, Queen B thanks her with what appears to be genuine humility. A-Magda responds similarly, and common ground is found as they both have some making up to do. But before any of that can happen, vows need to be exchanged, and GCBlack pops his head in to see if they’re ready. The girls take their places, but Queen B won’t let A-Magda and Cool Hand Luke in because they’re not in costume. Generously, she allows them to watch from the foyer.
Somewhere in Dixieland, faith in the possibility of the Old South rising up again is restored.
The doors open, swords are raised, and the men are wearing what appears to be genuine Confederate uniforms (or at least what I remember from GWTW). Queen B walks down the aisle to the very famous theme music from the movie, or at least she tries to, what with her sore ass and all. Bobby Ewing takes Queen B’s hand, and Pastor Hunk (ever so much hotter in the confederate uniform) begins the vows.
I hope you realize that Rhett eventually leaves Scarlett in the end. Pay no attention to what that hack sequel said.
I’m sorry, but HOW CUTE IS HE?!?!?
Meanwhile, out in the foyer, A-Magda decides to turn the other cheek with Cool Hand Luke. He used to be a player, and she used to be a bitch. Now that they’re different people, she asks if they can be look beyond each other’s past and just be focus on who they are now. Cool Hand Luke, with the music swelling in the background, takes on a decidedly Rhett Butler-esque demeanor and explains why he calls her ladybug. Because they eat other bugs for lunch. He knows who she is, and he’s quite all right with it. Then he kisses her like a woman should be kissed. Often, and by someone who knows how.
And man, does he ever know how.
The image blurs and fades to black, drawing the first half of our double feature to a close.
I apologize for the rushed nature of this recap. I’m busting buckshot riddled ass to get these recaps up for ya, so please excuse me if I’m light on the jokes. The next hour should make up for it, though. In the immortal words of Salt N’ Pepa, “Let’s Talk about Sex!”