The Girls Next Door: Halloween Has Never Been So Trashtastic

It’s the Girls Next Door episode after the Superbowl – so you know what that means. It’s Halloween! Wait, what? The Superbowl and Halloween are like eight months apart… Oh well, put away your logic for a half hour and enjoy the slutty spookyness that only the Playboy mansion can deliver.

Oh, Hef. Stop messin around!

“Bride of Franken-who?!”

Three guesses as to who we open the Halloween ep on. Nope. Nope. Yes!! Our Bridg. She’s at some artist/cartoonists’ studio posing for a Halloween drawing of her and Winnie. This scene is pretty much just filler, but it does have one interesting aspect: Bridget is posing with a Madi Gras feathered cap for a picture where she wants to be depicted as Frankenstein’s bride. What kind of ‘shrooms is this artist on? All I ask is that she keep them away from Kendra.

Next we see the mans as its staff prepares for the festivities. Each of the girls has her own gravestone, the funniest of which is, of course, Kendrizzle’s: “Here lies Kendra, shaking her ass under the grass.” It’s funny because it will be so, so very true.

Earthquaaaaake!

We learn that Bridget has been asked to help produce what my Comcast guide calls a “low-budget horror movie.” I paid extra-close attention and they never actually refer to it as “low-budget” in the ep. You know it’s bad when the cable company is dissing you.

The other producers come over to the mansion to tell Bridg the movie’s deets and one of them brought gifts – some monster masks. Always the blindly-passive lady, B accepts the gifts graciously. But she confides what she really thought during her testimonial. “I’m not big on monsters. I’m very big on killers and haunted stuff.” Psh, horror snob.

But the producers do bring some good news – they want the movie to be filled with oodles of Playmates, and they’re going to hold the casting call in a vampire book store. (Don’t worry, Playmates. They are books ABOUT vampires. Those black shapes on the pages can’t hurt you.)

OK, we’ve been focusing on Bridgenstein for far too long, don’t you think GND writers? Ah, they agree. Let’s see how Hef is decorating the mansion.

Hef is a huuuge Frankenstein fan (maybe he’s trying to model his hunched back after the monster) and he’s ordered a giant Frankie statue to be placed somewhere in the mans. But where? Hm, I sure hope all of the characters will be involved in some way.

First Hef tells the movers to bring it up to his and Holly’s room, but it won’t do. “What the helllll?” she says. “I think there are better places to put a 7-foot monster than your bedroom.” (Nah, too easy.) Btw – is anyone else surprised that Hollz said the H-word? I feel like she never swears.

Next Hefey Locks has the movers bring the statue down to the gym and, who’d'a thunk, Kendra is down there walking leisurely on the treadmill. “You want to put that in the gym?!” The ‘Drizzle scoffs. “I work out late at night and I don’t want to be staring that that thing!” Please, you’ve seen WAY scarier things late at night – most often coming out of a red-and-black silk smoking robe. (Couldn’t resist.)

“I just want to be lurrrved!”

But fine, Hef concedes. Bridget, the queen of Halloween, MUST take in poor Frankie. “I love it,” she says as the poor movies lug him in. But her face looks like it’s been shot-full of Botox – she’s not pleased.

Wait, you know what? When I started writing about this scene I thought it was just a ploy to squeeze each of the main characters into a pointless 5-minute plotline, but I’m so wrong. The GND producers are actually creating a modern portrayal of Frankenstein! The wretch doesn’t know where he came from and he’s just wandering around aimlessly without a soul to take him in. OK, instead of living in a hovel he’s in a mansion, but whatever.

They finally decide to stash the poor guy in the great hall, where in a few days the scantily clad villagers will descend upon him wielding pitchforks of vomit and cocaine.

Anyways, it’s time for the script reading of Bridget’s movie, and who better to read said script than the mans staff. There are three noteworthy parts to this scene:

One – It appears that Kendra is dazed out and misses the one short line she’s supposed to read, but we avid GND watchers know better. She clearly is one of those kids who got all (OK, most) of the way through high school without being able to read one word. Mary must have whispered the line to her while Holly gave the camera man a BJ. Those girls are diabolical.

Two – When Hef comes in to see what all the staff is up to, he is shocked to see that Mary caved and joined in with the reading. He then walks over to her and kisses her on top of the head. Could it be that Hef’s true love is a small-chested old woman dressed in oversized sweatshirts? Just the thought melts my cold, journalistic heart.

Love me, Hugh.”

And three – Brian the butler does a KILLER Dracula voice. Now I know where he must be when Kendra can’t find anyone to bring her chicken wings at 3 a.m. (Don’t get it? Who would love to bang a sexy mass murderer with a Transylvanian accent? Ding ding!) We’re all on the same page? Let’s move on.

Yay! Time for Bridget’s casting call at the cheesy, I mean creepy, bookstore. What kind of actors auditor for a low-budg and, let’s face it, likely soft-core porn horror movie? Yup, the kind that were thrown out of every other casting call in LA. Sweeeet. Let the fun begin.

Bridg and Co. ask each hopeful to share any special talents, but what they get isn’t the kind of special they were looking for. One lady can speak Arabic. That would be helpful… if the movie was set in Dubai. And if that was the case, I’d hope the Playmates would cover up a bit more.

Another auditionee can drive a tractor, one is good with firearms (Track, is that you?), one is a two-time limbo champion (What, that doesn’t pay the rent?), and one can – get this – roll her tongue. Yeah, so can’t 90% of the population, hun.

As you can imagine, it only gets worse from there. After they each slaughter the already-horrible script in the acting segment, the “actors” are asked to do their best scream. The freakiest of them all is that weird bearded guy – you know, the one that looks like Fred Durst and Dane Cook’s extra-hairy lovechild – because he looks right into the camera, makes a super creepy face, and a moany/gurgley noise. Even one of the movie’s producers asks him if he’s “taken a lot of prescription drugs.” ::Shivers::

Ahhh, my eyesss!

Now that all of the freakizoids are out of the way, it’s time for Holly, that girl who was Playmate of the year last year (POTY), and some other blonde plastics to audition. Most do as you’d expect them to do (the POTY forgot the lines after one-third of a sentence) BUT Holly… did really well. Seriously, if she had some initiative to do more than design outfits and bake cookies, she might actually be able to play a victim in a high-budg soft-porn horror flick. You can dream, Hollz!

“I have been practicing since I moved into the mansion…”

Alright guys, the big night has arrived and the girls are getting ready for the mansion Halloween party. Bridget is being done up as Medusa, but she doesn’t like how all of the plastic snakes are sticking straight out of her head. (Too… many… jokes…) But Laurent the French hair stylist works his magic and turns B’s hair into a reptilian Dolly Parton tribute.

Snakes in your eye!

Holly is dressing up as Tinkerbell and seems to actually be speaking French to Laurent. I say “seems” because I stopped taking French after junior year of high school and I now only know enough to get by in Paris. (Basically, a good accent could fool me.) Either way, I am once again impressed with Miss Holly Madison. Could it be that when they were filming this post-Superbowl Halloween episode Hollz was already doing Chris Angel and he had given her some sort of magical power where your brain moves faster than your mouth? (And if so, can he bang the ‘Drizzler too?)

Speaking of, Kendra is being a “70s pimp disco girl,” which I think is just her excuse to give herself a bleached-blonde white trash afro. Laurent really is a miracle worker with this one (no insult to Annie Sullivan intended) because Kendrizzle totes looks like Biance in Dream Girls (if she was albino).

“I’m a sista from anotha mista, y’all!”

Hef just wears his token red robe and Holly sticks devil horns to his head, like any good child bride would.

They don’t show us much footage of the party, other than a clip of Kendra bragging about her hair and shouting, “I’ve got black in me!” fused with a (most likely entirely separate) clip of a Ying Yang twin looking on. Hopefully he’s too crunk to be insulted.

We end with Hef and the ladies in bed. Bridg reveals the drawing of her and Winnie she had done, which I had totally forgotten about. Hef decides to show the girls the first magazine he ever made – a horror comic book called “Shudder.” The girls ooh and ahh but you can tell they’re already thinking about the moment they can climb out from under Hef’s unconscious body and sneak back to their rooms.

They ultimately decide to end the night by watching The Bride of Frankenstein. Maybe that’s why Hef never wants to marry again.