The Girls Next Door: Barbie’s Dream Whore House

This week the Girl’s Next Door visit Barbie Benton, Hef’s former gf, at her house in Aspen — and you KNOW the producers must have drugged, gagged, and bound Holly to get her to go there. No one hates the conniving Barbie and her underhanded insults more than Hollz. But whether they like it or not, the girls spend a night in the Benton’s freaky household and it makes for a pretty ridic episode. Let’s tuck in!

Can’t waaaait!

We open with Bridget and Kendra in Bridg’s room. B tells Ken that she was afraid of blueberries when she was little because they had a weird texture. You can tell by Kendra’s face that even she thinks that’s illogical.

Holly comes in so the girls can call Barbie to confirm that they’re going to chill with her in Aspen. Kendra tells us she’s upset because Barb doesn’t believe that Kenny can snowboard, so of course Miss Competitive has to prove the Benton wrong. Holly says she plans on snowboarding with Barbie’s daughter, and Bridget, who is clearly not known for her coordination, says she’ll be tubing for the entire trip.

We learn that Barbie lives with her daughter, Ariana, and a husband named George. Their house, which Barbie decorated herself, is the biggest in Aspen… and it “verges on outer space.” Wtf does that mean?

You are some of the flightiest hos I ever met.

So the girls and Hef arrive in Aspen via the private jet. Barbie says she’s impressed that Hef agreed to come for the night because he usually hates to sleep in any bed that’s not his own. (Sinking ratings can be very strong motivation, Barb.) Hef’s bro Keith, who also has a place in Aspen, comes to hang out too.

Aspen really is a hot spot right now, isn’t it? That 70-year-old dude tried to blow people up on NYE, and the little rich boy I babysit is there with his family (and nanny) right now. Though I suppose the former is more interesting to you than the latter.

Anyway, it’s time for Kendra to start talking shit about Barbie. She says that skiing, Barbie’s winter sport of choice, is way easier than snowboarding. But Kendra has agreed to race Barbie on the slopes, snowboard v. skis.

The girls all look cute bundled up as they head up the mountain on the gondola. The best part is that Kendra is wearing a helmet, arguably the smartest thing she’s ever done. Bridget jokes about Hef’s choice in clothing — a red North Face, a black and red flannel shirt, and a furry hat with ear flaps. Yep, Hef the lumberjack. Perhaps a glimpse of what he would have become if he hadn’t realized how much money there’d be in naked chicks.

God if you’re there please don’t let me break my gd hip.

It’s time for Kendra and Barbie’s race. They take a chair lift up to their trail of choice and start speeding down the mountain. Kenny looks all business, but she’s taking big turns and going over jumps, which doesn’t seem like the fastest way to get down the slope. Barbie seems to be trying to slow herself down so she doesn’t totally blow Kendra out of the snowbank — at one point she’s even skiing on one leg. (Note to Heather McCartney: There could be a future for you in winter sports.)

Barb says she’s impressed with Kendra’s snowboarding skills and Kendra says she definitely kept up with Barbie. Do you guys understand what this means? Kendra LOST at something! I’m surprised she’s taking it so well and isn’t trying to cause an avalanche with her horse laugh.

After everyone’s done skiing etc., they gather in the lodge, which looks like a fancy private living room, and get ready to head to Barbie’s house. There’s one problem — Kendra can’t find her pants.

K: Where are my pants? I wore pants here, didn’t I?

They just keep running away. It’s been like that my whole life.

It’s sad that she’s not entirely sure. After Kendra searches the lodge, Bridget realizes that Kendra must have left them on the jet because they all changed into their ski gear there. Good work solving a real life mystery Bridg! So Kenny has to go to Barbie’s house in her padded snowboard shorts. Classy.

Weird outer space music plays when the girls and Hef pull up to Barbie’s house, aka the Copper Palace. One part of the house looks like a flying saucer. Inside isn’t much better. I have no idea how anyone could live in a place like this. Just looking at it gives me a headache.

K: Barbie’s house. Oh. My. God. I mean, no no not house. Museum. OK. Wow.

The walls are covered in pretentious photos that Barbie took all over the world, and she’s sure to point them all out. Her bedroom is on a rotating platform and there is wisteria hanging from the ceiling. WTFFFF. So strange.

Poor Jetson’s were forclosed on.

Barbie’s pool is actually two totally separate lap lanes because she and her husband used to always fight about the temperature in their own pool. So now they each have their own right next to the other’s. That must make for some pretty difficult pool sex.

The office looks like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. The only way I’d get work done in there is if I was the unibomber. For some reason Holly is inspired.

H: Barbie’s house is inspiring because it shows that it’s possible to do anything and express yourself in any way. I’d love to have a house and decorate it.

Holly, haven’t you decorated every inch of the mansion already? Someone’s design-spoiled. Kendra has a different take on Barbie’s maison.

K: Every inch of the place was different. Every little inch there’s something weird.

I’m with you Kenny.

Barbie’s husbands.

The next morning Barbie and Ariana wake up early to start breakfast and soon their guests join. Holly, who apparently is a coffee addict, brews a pot. Everyone says that Barbie was going overboard making breakfast and she’s running all over the place. She even whips up some whipped cream. Trying to impress, Barb?

Turns out Barbie was making every single breakfast food that Hef had ever hinted at liking. All the guests cram around this long, think kitchen island to eat. Hef puts salt on his cantaloupe, which sounds kinda gross. Holly talks about how Hef usually eats his breakfast in bed and how he normally will just eat an English muffin and a grapefruit. She says he’s just being a good sport. I think someone is breakfast-spoiled.

The best part of the breakfast scene is when Kendra sits down at the table late and will only eat a piece of toast. Way to stick it to Barbie, Ken. (Ha! Barbie and Ken.)

DAMMIT! TOAST! I FORGOT TOAST!

Later that afternoon everyone goes on a sleigh ride, and you know that each of the girls is thinking that this is NOT what they signed up for when they agreed to become one of Hef’s girls. The most exciting moment of the ride is when Holly and Bridget make friends with this cute black lab named Cowboy. The clydesdales pull the sleigh and Cowboy runs ahead. Barbie says some pretentious things about how the stars in Aspen are brighter than anywhere else. What a bragwhore.

Later it’s time for dinner around a dining table 10x bigger than they one everyone at breakfast at. George says he bought the table at an auction and it used to belong to Andrew Carnegie. Great, more pretentiousness. You know they bought the table just so they could say that.

The meal doesn’t go over too well with Kendra and Bridget, who apparently have, um, simpler tastes. They start to get nervous when the salad comes out.

B: It’s fancy hoity toity salad with pine nuts nad furry lettuce and stuff.

Could someone drive me to Wienerschnitzel?

Sounds delish to me. And you think a mustard-connessieur such as Bridget would like the finer foods. Kendra I’m not surprised about. The girls get even more nervous when they learn the main course is either lamb or sea bass.

Holly, on the other hand, says she loves fancy dinners like this because it forces you to not pig out since the portions are so small. Keith, realizing that Kenny and Bridg are freaking out, calls the chef over and orders them chicken salad. Unfortunately instead of having manners and eating their plain meal quietly, they make a big deal out of it. Ooouch Barbie. You just can’t please this lot.

Once dinner is winding down a siren goes off, which means it’s disco time. Uuuum OK. Luckily Barbie told Kendra what it means right before she ducked and covered.

So the disco room is this creepy cave with crystal stalagmites and stalagmites hanging and growing out of everywhere. Everyone else looks kinda creeped out, but Kendra can’t believe that Ariana doesn’t have parties in here every night.

Hef was waiting for this moment all day. I couldn’t get a still of him spinning on his head though. Sorry.

Later Hef, the girls, and Barbie cuddle up around the fireplace. Bridg tells Barbie that her house is a work of art, and Barb says she was inspired by the mansion because it’s filled with art. Barbie and Hef reminisce about their glory days and the girls don’t look too thrilled about their stories. Holly tries to get the last word in.

H: I think it was nice for Hef to see what married life with Barbie would have been.

But fails.

Barbie: These three girls are some of the nicest girls he’s ever been with. It took me a while to get to know then but now I feel like they’re my girlfriends. Very young girlfriends.

I have an inkling the feeling’s not mutual.

So what’d you guys think? How much would someone have to pay you to say in Barbie’s house for one night? Do you think a solid family life like Barbie’s is in the cards for any of our fav girls next door?

You can see Kendra already worrying about breakfast.