The Girls Next Door: Pea Soup Doesn’t Taste Like Peas

This week on Girls Next Door Bridget’s lil sis Anastasia comes to the mansion to celebrate her 21st bday. You KNOW we’re in for a good ep when Ana is in town. Nothing is quite so entertaining as watching a simple country girl get skanked out by semi-prostitutes. Yay family bonding.

What did I do to deserve this?

We start off with my fav pet of the show — Winnie! I think I like the Winnster best because he always gives the girls looks I would give them. I also love that you can’t see his legs when he walks. It’s like he’s floating.

“Look at all the clothes you never wear!” laments Bridg as she pulls random doggy outfits out of a cabinet in her room. We learn that it’s Winnie’s bday (it’s not clear if this is ANYWHERE near Anastasia’s bday) so apparently Bridget decides to torture the poor pup by dressing him up.

She of course takes out Winnie’s old Easter bunny costume — you know, the one he went “dogotonic” in? The producers are kind enough to play back the clip of that great moment. Poor Winn probably thought he was drowning in fluffy ears. But don’t worry, Bridget has more birthday torture in store.

B has bought a battery-opperated toy Winnie, aka a vibrating plastic cube covered in black fur. Now, what kind of dog wouldn’t like that monstrosity? Well, this one. Poor Winnster is even more traumatized than in the bunny incident of 2007. He barks and keeps backing away from the toy as Bridg propels it forward. Happy birthday Winnie!

Pot calling the kettle black.

Continuing on with the animal theme, Holly takes her bunny to the vet. (Did anyone else know she had a rabbit?) Hollz wants the bunny to be able to live in the backyard (aka zoo) with all of the other bunnies, but first she have to get David LaChapelle (yes, he is named after the “Dirrty” music video director) neutered.

Once in the vet exam room, Holly lays a pink blanket down on the exam table. You know, because bunnies associate the cold steel table with needles and pain. (Don’t they mate with anything in sight???) Holly mentions that this breed of rabbit can weigh up to 28 pounds, and holy crap does that freak me out. That’s as much as a toddler! Who would want a rodent that large? Yick!!

When the doctor comes in he first checks to make sure David LaChapelle is a boy and, surprise, he’s not. Somewhere the fashion designer/music vid director is hanging his head in shame. How does the doc know David is a Davina? He has no balls. I’d say that’s pretty definitive.

H: Ohmigod I can’t believe David is a girl! It’s still going to be named David. Way to take a stand against traditional naming standards, Hollz.

What did I do to deserve this?

Back at the mansion, Bridget is instructing Brian the Butler about what junk foods to pack for Anastasia’s 21st birthday road trip. Wait, what? When I turned 21 I high-tailed it down to the first Native American-run Connecticut casino I could find. Who wants to ride around in a pimped-out Winnebago? Well I guess a road trip with a bunch of playmates would be really fun right? WRONG.

The girls are chilling around the dining room table when Ana arrives. We learn that the three girls, some playmates, and one of Anastasia’s friends will all hit the road on a wild road trip to… north Cali? Don’t get me wrong, I’m gagging to go to San Fran, but I don’t think the rest of NoCal is party central. Prove me wrong, girlies. Kendra promises to deliver the birthday goods. “If anyone knows how to celebrate a 21st birthday, it’s me,” she boasts. You show ‘em how it’s done, Kenny.

The girls go to say bye to Hef, who is looking at proofs from under some sort of Bear-fur blanket (how can he work like that??), and they finally pile on to the bus. And, OK, it’s more of a rock star tour bus than your average camper trailer. The girls settle in, start chowing down, and start drinking. Wooo party! So where does the bus stop first? Some random train station. Whaaaa?

One of Kendra’s happiest childhood memories (I’m glad she has at least one) is when she would laugh in the face of danger and put pennies on the rails in front of a fast-approaching train. Sounds like what my dad did for fun when he was growing up in the 60s. But hey, maybe 1990s San Diego was more like mid-20th century Boston than I give it credit for.

So Kendra and playmate Sarah Underwood jump off the bus and into the path of a speeding locomotive. Well, kinda. They totally miss the first train. But don’t worry, another one is coming. But Sarah realizes a problem. “Are they going to run into eachother?!” Luckily hundreds of years of railroad experience has taught the conductors to make sure one train waits on a side track while the other passes. But good thinking, Sarah.

If one train is going sixty miles an hour and the other train is going fifty miles an hour but they’re going different ways, which one will get to…wait. I forgot the question.

Despite Kendra freaking out because she thinks the train will smoosh them (it’s actually stopped) the girls put their pennies down on the tracks. After the train goes by they run to the spots where they placed them and… they’re gone!

Gasp!! How on earth would pennies MOVE after a thousand TON train runs over them. Can we send these girlies to Physics 101 please? Sarah ultimately spots the pennies and they do look cool in their flattened state. Actually, I totally want to try that some time! Unfortunately, I don’t think they’d like me climbing down near the third rail on the Red Line.

Next super exciting stop on the 21st birthday road trip? A diner. Oh come ON.

The girls head into Anderson Pea Soup Diner because a) Holly said she used to go there with her family and b) Kendra just looooves pea soup. After the girls cram their top-heavy bodies on a 25 center children’s merry-go-round, the sit down at a booth, which may as well be at the Suburban in Paramus, NJ. Kendra is “so frickin’ excited for the pea soup. I don’t think anybody is more excited than me to eat the pea soup. Pea soup!” We get it. You’re excited. For pea soup.

WAIT a minute. My dad loves pea soup. My dad loved flattening pennies on the train tracks. Kendra… are you my dad?? ::shivers::

Bridget says she doesn’t think she’ll like pea soup because peas are vegetables, and if we learned anything in last week’s episode it’s that Bridget ABHORS vegetables. Unfort for Bridg, Kenny intends on force feeding her pea soup if she has to. “It tastes like pea soup not peas!” Kendra tries to explain. “Everybody was afraid of the pea soup so I had to force everybody to eat the pea soup.” Jeez, someone really likes to say “pea soup,” doesn’t she?

Kendra makes everyone order it and Bridg loads hers with cheese and ham, which I think makes it look super gross. (And I like pea soup!) Turns out everyone likes it, and Kendra is pleased.

OK, hold the EFF up. Did I seriously just write four paragraphs about PEA freaking SOUP?!? I’m sorry, I thought this was supposed to be a show about slutty polygamist girls that live in the Playboy Mansion, not Golden Girls on a blue hair bus tour. Are the producers trying to prove that the girls are interesting even out of their boob-centric environment?

Because they’re not.

Thankfully, the next stop is slightly more entertaining. The bus pulls up to some random town that has an infamous Bubblegum Alley, aka sketchy alley that has walls covered in gum. How lovely. OK, it’s actually kinda cool looking and I can imagine lots of photographic opportunities. The girls, they just see gross gum.

H: I dare somebody to push somebody in it.

B:I dare somebody to lick this wall.

K: Ewwwww!

Holly, naturally, makes a bubblegum penis. And Kendra, ever the narcissist, molds her gum into her initials. Well, that was fun.

Next the bus rolls in to Solvang, a small danish town. (Um, one, what does that even mean? And two, SERIOUSLY?!) The girls have a lot of interesting things to say about Solvang.

K: Solvang was the cutest town I have ever been in.

B: It is the cutest little town I have ever seen.

H: This is the cutest frickin’ city I’ve ever seen.

Enlightening.

The girlies head to a clog store where Holly pretends (I assume) to buy clogs. As they’re walking around this “Danish” town it’s pretty funny how out of place these blondies look. I also noticed how punk rocker Holly has really become. Remember how girly she was pre-Criss Angel? Ugh, it’s so sick when girls morph to match the guy they’re with.

As darkness draws near the bus pulls up to the party location of the night — the Madonna Inn, which is a very, very pink hotel. Pink and themed. What could be better?

There are over 300 themed rooms, including a cave room, and old mill room, a pink room, and an Austrian room. They are still in California, right?

Bridget and Anastasia are sleeping in a jungle cave room, which reminds Holly of the grotto and reminds me of somewhere I would NEVER sleep. Holly gets the old mill room, which has green sparkle walls and little people in a giant cuckoo clock thing. Holly acts excited, but you know on the inside she’s dreaming of the Regent Beverly Wilshire.

Kendra and Sarah stay in the Madonna suite, which is alllll pink with a big rock fireplace. Kendra is most impressed that the toilet paper is right across from the toilet.You don’t have to contort your body at all to get at the toilet paper. I’m glad you find happiness in the little things, Ken.

Back in Bridg and Anastasia’s room there is a knock on the door and B tells Ana to open it. It’s their parents, here to surprise their daughter on her 21st! Ana is very excited and yells at Bridg for not telling her earlier. If I was her, I’d be yelling at her for inviting my PARENTS to my 21st birthday party. Parents really shouldn’t be around to watch their daughters black out and make out with random dudes. It’s just not right.

Next everyone heads down to the hotel steakhouse, another tacky, pink room. Ana is really excited that she actually gets to choose a drink of the drink menu. (Has she never had a fake ID?) Ana wants to order every drink off the menu, but everyone starts with the “pink cloud” house specialty drink.

After dinner everyone hits the dance floor and a bunch of cute little kids join them. Then they all pull up to the bar. Ana starts off with a tequila shot and keeps on going. And yes, and parents are still there.

A: I’m here to get wasted! That’s what I’m here for! Let’s go!

B: You name it, she did it.

H: I don’t know how she did it. She ordered every shot known to man kind. She’s mixing all different types of alcohol.

K: She just had one after another after another and I was like omigod! I started getting tired just watching her.

Kendra actually went to bed before Anastasia. It’s sad when you go to sleep before the 21-year-old passes out. Being with an old dude has turned your 22-year-old ass old!

Anastasia finishes off the night by running through the parking lot screaming. And a confession: “I just threw up in my mouth a bit.” Now that’s a 21st birthday.

On the bus ride home the next day everyone is sleeping except Holly, who is studying French. That explains why she’s always testing out her Francais on Laurent the hair stylist. Voulez-vous couchez avec le old man of the mountain, Hollz?

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, random whores are trying to move in on Hef. (A tactic that I will never understand.) The girls talking to him around the breakfast table have suuuper annoying voices. One suggests that she’ll be Mr. Hefner’s new brunette girlfriend. Silly slut, he only does blondes.

On the bus Anastasia opens her gifts and is really cute. She reads a card that says, “Now most of the things you do are legal.”

“Most!” Bridget chimes in. Kendra horse giggles. Don’t worry Kenny — geriatric sex is still (regretfully) legal.

When the girls finally get back to the mansion Bridg and Kenny kiss Hef tentatively on the lips, but Holly totally goes for the cheek!! Somewhere Criss Angel is waxing his balls and waiting for Holly to return to him.

Alright, so what was with this patchwork quilt of an episode? Have they run out of slutty mansion activities and are moving on to exploring the boonies of Cali? What do you think was going on behind the scenes with Holly at this point?