The Girls Next Door: Here Comes the Trash

This week on Girls Next Door the girls head to Vegas for a trailer-trash wedding. YES I love the Vegas eps — they never disappoint. The girls must feel so at home there amongst the brothels.

Smartest host.

The episode starts off with Bridget chatting with Stacy Burke on her Sirius radio show. Stacy is some sort of slutty S&M model (redundant?) who used to room with Bridg when she first moved into the mansion. Bridget attempts to explain exactly what type of model Stace is.

B: She’s a model, but not a regular model. She wears leather. And has a whip. And a ball gag.

What’s not regular about that? Tyra’s ball gag pictorials are my favorites.

Bridg and Stace are talking about how Stacy wants to get married so much that she’s already planning her wedding details even though she’s sans a proposal. The next thing we know her boyfriend Roy walks into the studio with flowers and delivers the type of proposal you’d imagine someone named Roy would.

UR like sooper cute and I love you and In and Out the best so I’m aksing you both to marry me.

He stands an awkward distance away from his gf and says, ” I wanted to come and tell you that you’re my best friend, how much I love you, how much in love I am with you.You mean the world to me. I’d really be honored if you accept the invitation to be my wife.”

Nice prose there, Shakespeare. You should seriously consider applying to Hallmark.

For some reason that speech doesn’t send Stacy scrambling for the door, and Roy finally gets down on one knee and reveals a ring made up of several hearts with diamonds in them. And to think Carrie Bradshaw thought a princess cut was bad!

The proposal gets even more romantic when Roy and Stacy tell Bridg and everyone listening to her radio show about the time they met. The first thing classy Roy said to Stace was, “You’re a 6 or a 7 but you’d be a 9 or a 10 with my dick in your mouth.” Later, while giving Roy head, Stacy said she asked, “Am I a 10 yet?” Sigh, guess there’s someone for everyone.

I almost clawed out a Care Bear but then got this instead.

At some undisclosed time in the future Stacy and Roy join Hef, the girls, and crew for brunch at the mansion. Hef decides to give Stace some punny fatherly advice.

Hef: I want to tell you that marriage is a different kind of bondage.

What is it with this guy? Do the copious amounts of erection-enhancing drugs cause him to think only in puns? “Have fun planning Angel’s magical cruise, Holly. But don’t go overboard.”

Turns out Stacy makes Bridg her maid of honor, which means Bridg has all the wedding-planning responsibilities. First the girls go to the Bridal Bar boutique in Beverly Hills. After Bridget does a super sucky job of parallel parking and the girls get out of her little red Porsche, we see that they’re dressed in their best scrub attire. Nothing says bride like sweatpants and tank tops.

When they get inside the shop lady asks which girl is getting married and they reply that they both are — to each other. The poor old lady isn’t totally sure if they’re kidding. Don’t worry lady, unless the Bridal Bar has suddenly transported to Massachusetts (holla!), you’re OK.

First the girls test out a few different types of wedding cakes and wash it all down with champagne. Yuuum, marriage is looking up!

I have tried every cake. Today.

Back at the mansion Hef and Holly are talking about what to get Stacy and Roy as a wedding gift. The best part of this scene is when Hef misses by a few centimeters as he brings a bottle of Pepsi to his lips and some dribbles out before he gulps it down. This is the most elderly we’ve ever seen the Hefster! Kinda sad, actually.

Holly says that Stacy has requested that in lieu of wedding gifts people donate money to a fund for… AIDS prevention? Hurricane relief? the GOP? Nope, nope, and nope. She wants the money donated to a fund for their honeymoon.

Come on! It’s not like you don’t have a job!

Stace has even been kind enough to set up a website for expedited donations. After making an odd crack about paying their cab fare (seriously, how cheap can you be?), Hef says he won’t give money over the internets because he doesn’t want to get “in the same kind of trouble as the governor of New York.” Hef, your pimping ways are far more documented than Spitzer’s ever were.

Back at the Bridal Bar Stacy is trying on wedding dresses. She says she wants a dress that’s “very rock and roll. Very not the norm — crazy wild.” We get it, you’re not traditional. Now shut it.

When the shop lady tells Stacy to get naked the S&M model attempts to act embarrassed, but quickly strips down and slaps some pasties on her twin plastics. With each strange dress Stace tries on she and Bridg talk about how weird it is to see her in a wedding dress. Well it’s not exactly your normal attire, is it girls?

As much as it pains me to think about the shiteous dresses Stacy tried on, here’s a run-down:

Dress one: Sparkly, form-fitting, and trashtastic.

Dress two: Strapless, sparkly, pinkish, and trashtastic.

(Hmm I smell a trend.)

Dress three: Traditional-er, long train, slightly, um, cute. (If you ignore the walking STD wearing it, of course.)

Don’t hide the roots! They’re the best part!

Again an unspecified amount of time passes and it’s now the day before the wedding. Bridg heads over to Vegas a day early because she has lots of wedding preparations to take care of.

Sidenote: I especially liked watching the Vegas half of this ep because I’m headed to Sin City for the first time in about a week! I angled for my boss to let me stay at the Palms (the better to see the Playboy Club!) but alas, they put me up at Caesars. BUT my bff is flying out to join me for the weekend and we’re going to hunt down some bunnies, Criss Angel (even though is tickets are WAY over priced), and maybe, just maybe, some girls next door. If I have any quality sightings I’ll be sure to post pics on an upcoming recap — so stay tuned!!

Anyway, Kendra finally shows her horsey face and tells us that she’ll be coming to Vegas late (she’s participating in some sort of charity “golf scramble”) but she’ll get there asap because she “can’t miss that shit for the world!” Good to know she has her priorities in order.

Later, Holly arrives and after reading Bridget’s shirt (it says Maid of Honor in rhinestones, of course) she says “I see you’re the maid of honor.” OK Hollz, were you just being cute or did you seriously not know?! I honestly hope it’s the former. I always thought Hollz and Bridg would remain friends even when their Benjamin Button manbaby was out of the picture!

Next Stacy, Roy, and a drunken gaggle of their freaky friends arrive via Hummer limo. (Imagine how much gas it takes to get a Hummer limo from LA to Vegas?? Guess Stacy is nontraditional even in her environmental choices…) The couple’s friends are all dressed up in strange outfits and even brought a keg along for the journey. I bet the poor driver is scarred for life.

Once everyone is settled in, Stacy, Roy, Holly, and Bridget go to downtown Vegas to get Stace and Roy a marriage license. While the real couple fill out their forms (with classy golf pencils) Hollz and Bridg decide they should try to get hitched too. They fill out the forms and Bridg calls her mom to tell her the good news. Must be kinda hard to surprise your mom after you become of of Hugh Hefner’s concubines.

You’re just a lesbian and not a whore? Thank God!

Once they get up to the glass License Bureau window (think a bank, but less tasteful) Holly does the talking.

H: Is gay marriage legal in this state?

lady: No, not this state.

H: What if I check male?

If you wanted someone to play a convincing man you probably should have brought Kendra, Hollz. Or, like I mentioned before, head over to Mass! My city has an openly gay mayor so you freakshows would def be accepted here. Just try to avoid Harvard, please. I know it will be tempting to play Good Will Hunting, but I highly doubt any of you are secret mathematical geniuses. Or promising law students, i.e. Elle Woods.

While Holly and Bridg make a mockery out of Vegas’ sacred neon- and Elvis-filled sacrament of marriage, Roy is over at another glass window pretending he’s at a fast food drive though. Oh you’ve DEF found a keeper, Stacy.

Alright it’s finally time for the bachelor and bachelorette parties! Stacy is wearing slutty bride lingerie, which even seems trashy by Playboy standards. Kendra looks stripper esque in a black micro-mini and a black midriff top. (I’m sorry, is it 1996?) When she walks in late to the party the bride-to-be is flashing her tatas. Kendra looks bemused and undoubtedly turned on.

Next the girls head to the hotel room stripper poles, which are conveniently placed in the shower. Kendra is besides herself with glee. Bridget busies herself handing out naughty penis-shaped lollypops.

Now we can all be 10s!

Wow, OK I just stopped typing because I’m so disturbed. Kendra was chatting with a bunch of girls and Stacy’s mom and said that when the male strippers come she’s going to pay them extra to penis-slap the mom!! Her wildly inappropriate rampage doesn’t stop there. She then heads over to the stripper shower and, after taking a few twirls around the poles, lifts up her top and smooshes her boobs against the glass wall for all the girls to see. WHY, Kendra, WHY? What pleasure do you get out of showing other girls your breasts? Maybe she watched True Life: I Live in a Nudist Colony too many times.

Soon after that incident, Bridget gets the bright idea to crash the bachelor party. (Because we know ALL grooms-to-be LOVE that.) The best part is that when they get there one of the guys is naked in their stripper shower!! Kendra, we found you a match!!! Guess there’s someone for everyone.

The next morning Stacy is getting ready for her big day by applying a shitload of stripper makeup. Bridg, Holly, and some others soon arrive clutching coffees. Bridg is wearing a slutty version of Belle’s gold dress from Beauty and the Beast.

Once everyone is at the wedding chapel we see that Stacy isn’t wearing any of the dresses she tried on at the Bridal Bar. She’s in what can only be described as a micro-mini baby doll dress.

Next we see a clip from Kendra’s testimonial and she says that she wants to get married one day, and sighs. Judging by her oddly peaceful looking face (and lack of horse laugh after this statement!) I’m guessing that she was already engaged when this was filmed. Have to say I’m legit happy for her. (Though sad she’s slightly less crazy than she was in season one!)

It’s finally time for the wedding and Bridg says she’s happy to see all of her planning pay off. (How much planning actually goes into a Vegas wedding anyways??) Roy cries as Stacy’s bro walks her down the aisle and I throw up a little in my mouth as Stacy kisses her bro on the lips once they get to the alter. (As the older sister of two brothers I don’t see any reason why this should ever happen ever.)

Wedding hair.

The minister/priest/justice of the peace person administers some fairly traditional vows and the bride and groom share a trashy tongue-filled kiss. At this point Kendra is actually tearing up. No wait, I think I see tears on her face! Wow, she’s really really changed. Oh wait, I forgot about the night before. ::cringes::

After it’s all over everyone heads back to the Palms to the Hugh Hefner Sky Villa. The wedding guests start drinking and, naturally, dry humping. And Holly, naturally, manages to catch the bouquet.

H: Bouquet catching is a sport I’m getting quite good at.

When the girls get back at the mansion Holly gives Hef the bouquet.

H: I caught the bouquet!

Hef: Of course you did.

In her testimonial Holly admits, “When I showed Hef I caught the bouquet he knew he was done for.” Yeah, I don’t believe you. I bet once the cameras turned off you grabbed the flowers back and brought them to Criss’ bony hands.

Kendra tells Hef that the only reason Holly wound up with the bouquet is because she pretty much snatched it out of another girl’s hands. The editors are kind enough to show us a slow-mo of the incident and it is indeed true. You get ‘em Hollz.

Back off bitch! You had your chance!

Do you guys think Kendra is truly settling down? Bridg told the gossip rags that Kenny doesn’t even flash anymore. How tragic! Where do you think Stacy and Roy went on their honey moon? Hm I wonder how much Hef actually gave as a wedding gift. Would you ever wear any of the dresses Stacy tried on?? Share your thoughts!