The Girls Next Door: Smart Cars Don’t Make You Smart

Remember 13 or so Girls Next Door episodes ago when Bridget was casting for a low-budget horror movie she was producing? Remember the collective sigh of relief we all breathed when that episode ended and we knew the rest of the season would only contain things like blondes in bikinis bouncing on beach balls in the grotto? Well, suck that sigh back in — it’s time for Bridget and Co. to actually film the movie. The horror.

She’s managing to show off her butt and her boobs while she’s terrified. Perfect! Places!

Bridget, who is dressed as some sort of nun/pilgrim hybrid, tells us that the movie is called “The Telling” (clever) and she’s not so sure of herself in the producers role. Could that be because you only are the producer because you have a notorious and ridiculously wealthy manfriend?

If the nuns dressed like you in Catholic school I might have graduated!

“I really feel that I have to prove myself,” B says. “Like I really want to do this and I want to work. I mean this and I want to do this and I wanna be on set and I wanna learn this process.” I don’t know about you, but I’m not very convinced.

Thankfully we move on to the more exciting story line — KENDRA’S CAR GOT STOLEN! How crazy is that? Who steals cars anymore? Kendra is telling Mary that her Escalade was stolen and stripped. Meanwhile, somewhere in Hef’s bedroom a Pun Alarm started ringing.

Hef: Did I hear the word stripped?

Mr. Hefner doesn’t seem too concerned about Kendra’s car problems after she tells him what happened. (He seriously didn’t know?!) Kendra complains that she even had to go out to the junk yard to see her poor naked luxury vehicle. Hef kneels down and kisses her. “Shit happens,” Mary retorts, probably because she’s enraged that Hef dared to show affection for someone other than her in her presence.

Then, as to be expected, Hef manages to start talking about himself and says that he hasn’t driven a car since the 1960s. There’s something just not right about that.

Back on the movie set Bridget sets the scene for us. The movie takes place in a demonic sorority house and Holly is the head sorority sister. That’s all you’ve got? My imagination isn’t stretched in the slightest.

H: I don’t consider myself an actress but I didn’t need to prepare for my role because I’m playing a total bitch. No preparation necessary. Insti-bitch — just add water.

Sowhoreity

Playmate Sarah Underwood is also in the film. Way to cast all your friends, B. Upon seeing Sarah in her frumpyish wardrobe, Bridg takes matters into her own hands by sending her home (aka across the lawn to the Playmate House) to change into her regular, sluttier clothes. (For future reference, S, it’s never a good sign when your real clothes are skankier than the items you get from a movie stylist.)

Then Bridg goes and talks to the director to tell him that she’s worried about the outfits. She said she was nervous telling him what she thought, but he took her advice and got the actresses new clothes. This invigorates Bridget, who must not understand that the producers are generally the most powerful bc they are the financial backers. “I was like YES I really am a producer now!” Suuuure you are.

Aaaand back to the totally disjointed Kendra plot line. It’s time for Kenny to buy a new car! First stop: Bentley. You’d think Ken would find purchasing a new luxury car fun, but she says “it’s just a pain in the ass.” Laaaame.

First she and Playmate Britney Binger look at a Lamborghini Spider, which, the salesman says “sells for four and a half.” Three guesses as to what Kendra asks next. a) Wow, that seems ridiculously overpriced for a car I could fit in my cleavage. b) I think the current socioeconomic climate in the US makes it ethically impossible for me to purchase this automobile at the present time. c) Four and a half what?

After answering her inane Q, the dealer takes her on a test drive and she keeps yelling and Omigod-ing. Someone needs to give this girl some vocabulary flash cards, or maybe my 3rd grade edition of Wordly Wise. “This is like me right here you know, this is something that I would drive,” she says after the ride. “It just felt so good on my vagina. I was like ::shivers::. Omigod that was the longest orgasm I ever had.”

Bigger than the one I had when I heard the name Manfried?

Back to the boring horror movie shoot. Holly says Bridg seems right at home being a producer and that she gives good direction, which completely contradicts the scene we saw minutes ago when B doubted herself and was awkward when she made a small change to the movie. Ever consider going into PR, Hollz?

Holly is rehearsing for her big scene, which she hasn’t practiced at all. “I did alright remembering my lines considering I didn’t memorize them until that moment.” Way to respect Bridget and her big project!!

Hef comes down to check out the scene and stands in the corner observing, which really scares Bridget when she catches sight of him. “You looked like a statue there!” she tells him.

Maybe rigamortis is starting to set in.

As we watch Holly do her scene it’s super obvi that this movie is not even remotely frightening, even when spliced with scary music. It’s all very very cheesy. I wonder if this will be released straight to video or even at all? But Bridg says she is happy with the first day and since I’m generally supportive of her I’ll be happy too…

The next day Bridget and crew head over to some sort of castle in the Hollywood Hills. It’s time to shoot Bridg’s big scene! She’s worried because she just got her script the morning of. Seriously? What kind of movie is this? Oh, wait.

Luckily the lack of script doesn’t seem to be too big of a problem, as based on the following exchange:

Director: What’s the line we talked about for the torture scene?

B: AHHHHHHH!!

Uuum, yeah, a few repetitions and you’ll have that down pat, B. Or you can always try writing it on your palm.

Next Bridg tells us that she gets nervous being in front of the camera because it’s out of her comfort zone. OK, I totally get that acting in front of a camera is different than filming a “reality” show in front of a camera, but not SO much so that it should be that weird for you.

So first up is a scene where B walks in to a dinner party where she’s the guest of honor. All the people sitting at the table are wearing creepy masks and don’t say anything when she walks in, they just clap. Now if that’s not a sign to head for the hills I don’t know what is.

B: When I walked into the room I truly felt intimidated and nervous and uncomfortable sitting down at that table with them. It really did creep me out.

Even creepier is later in the scene when a midget comes in and stabs her! Though that isn’t quite as scary as the horrrrrible acting.

B: The guy who stabbed me with a hypodermic needle at the end — he and I were laughing the whole time. He was like my little savior. Hmm, was that just a little person crack?! If you’re going to be offensive at least be funny.

Eyes Wide Slut

Back on the Kendra Buys a Car show, the producers decide it will be humorous to send Kenny to a Smart Car dealership. And, boy, were they right!

Kenster and Brit take a red smart car for a test drive and although Kendra says it’s cute and fun to drive, she felt like she was driving a go-kart.

K: I felt like I was just gonna get smooshed!

How much funnier would it have been if she had to take a test drive around the Arc de Triomphe?! It amazes me how all the Smart Cars manage to escape unscathed amongst the tour buses and Parisian taxis every time.

Naturally, Kendra decides to race people in fancy cars and yell things like “You’re not smart” at them when the wiz by her. I think someone needs to explain to her that driving a smart car does not make the driver more intelligent.

K: A smart car is very smart with the economical shit, but I think I like the dumb cars better.

Back on the movie set, it’s time for Bridget’s death scene. She says she always wanted a death scene. Doesn’t everybody? Turns out its more like a super lameo torture scene. Bridg is lying on a metal operating table and her hands and feet are chained. She just struggles in a pretty suggestive way while some dude tries to hack away at her with a saw.

Apparently the 10 takes it took to film this scene left B with tons of bruises, and she still has them when she films her testimonial.

B: I started losing momentum because it’s really tiring to be moving around with these heavy chains and screaming. Sounds like a regular Saturday night at the mansion to me.

Soon after the movie wraps, possibly completing the fastest filming process in the history of cinema. Bridget says she’ll be excited to see the final product. Good for you.

Meanwhile, Kendra tells is still car shopping. She tells us how she bought her Escalade wayyyy back when she was 18 (What?! If I drove a car that big when I was 18 I would have killed at least one puppy and several children by now.) and that she’s grown up a lot since then. Buuut she still wants some sort of sporty vehicle, so she heads to a BMW dealership. First she tries a convertible, then she tries a black on black coup aka BMW650. It’s love.

K: it’s sporty. It looks like me. It feels like me. I feel so good in it. My 650 is my baby and it definitely fits me.

Well put.

Back over in the boring plotline, Bridget goes to help out with her movie’s editing team. This is when I notice that B’s face doesn’t look quite right. Something just seems off – it’s too tight or too tanned or maybe a combo of both. I’d even go so far as to suggest she might be sans makeup, but I highly doubt that. I’m going with plastic surgery. Did you guys notice this too??

Anyway, the movie looks ridiculously horrible. Luckily, Bridg has no clue.

B: It was so much fun to see Holly in the movie and Sarah and just to see everybody I know working on the movie and being a part of it. It’s fun to share this experience with them.

Yes, it’s nice that you got to play “film a movie” with your nearest and dearest.

Apparently Bridget hates watching herself because she hides her face when she’s in a scene, even though one of the film editors tells her she looks hot. Wow, she must never be able to turn on E! then.

So that’s a wrap for the completely disjointed Bridget Films a Movie/Kendra Buys a Car ep! Do you think Bridg has had work done? What percentage of her car did Kendra actually pay for? Where will B’s movie be distributed? Holly was sooo MIA this ep – think she’ll be a major focus in any ep in the rest of this season? Holla at me!