The Girls Next Door: Home Is Where The Boo-tay Is

It’s the week of Halloween so, naturally, our fav platinum whores on Girls Next Door are decorating the Playmate house. Why didn’t the producers decide to air this tres trivial episode last week and air the actual freakin’ Halloween ep this week? I can’t say for sure, but I think I heard a certain maniacal laugh echoing from the E! offices. It’s only a matter of time until the entire staff is dressed in uggs and booty shorts.

This week, Hef finds someone a little more realistic to marry. But then decides to kick her off the show because she is distracting the other dancers.

Where innocence comes to die.

Haaanyway, Holly and Bridget head over to the Playmate house because Hollza has decided that it needs to be renovated and turned into a bachelorette pad. So… hold up. I can’t continue to write without addressing this – how CREEPY is it that 50 yards from the Playboy mansion, where the 82-year-old RaisinPerv lives with his three Stepford child brides, there live 11-odd 18-22-year-olds bunking six-to-a-bedroom with TWIN beds. It’s like a college dorm, except instead of studying you are photographed naked, and instead of graduating you get to sleep with your grandpa.

Alright, I feel better. So since some fresh newly legal meat will be moving into the Playmate house, Holly plans her redecorations. “Ever body knows I’m a frustrated wannabe interior designer.” Too bad, maybe if you hadn’t effed up the gym redesign so bad Hef might have considered employing you after Chris Angel dumps yo ass.

OK, so Hollz master plan: remove the carpet with the throw-up stain, install a stripper pole, and paint the walls. (“We can all get high off the fumes!”) But then we learn that our stoner mastermind has bigger aspirations: “What I really want to do is tear down the house and build, like, Versailles.” Wow–just one “like” away from an intelligent sentence.

Holly decides to tell her ideas to Hef, who has apparently humped his filing cabinet so much it exploded.

“It just looked so sexy.”

He tells Holly he wants the house to keep “that retro cool 50s/60s look.” She retorts that she is going to make it pink and bright because it’s a girl house. Good thing Hef’s too old and feeble to argue.

Oh look, the first of the fresh meat is here. It’s Laura Croft, 08 Playmate and fugitive video game character. But Laura seems to only have one suitcase with her. Maybe Laura’s different. Maybe Laura isn’t superficial and her suitcase is filled with books, and she’s only living in the Playmate house so she can save on rent as she earns her biomed engineering degree at Berkley. OR she’s running from her wife-beating Joe-the-Plumber husband back in Daytona. Yeah, I’m gonna go with the latter.

Super awkward non-transition to Kendra giving her car its monthly cleaning. The SUV’s trunk and backseat are loaded with water bottles, shoes, clothes, trash, a watch, some dead bodies, the fat Britney Spears, and the other Lohan twin from The Parent Trap. Can you imagine if Kendrizzle didn’t live in a place with an entire staff devoted to cleaning up after her? She’d be one of those strippers who needs a step ladder to get into her trailer because the floor is covered in four-feet of debris.

More new Playmates move in to the house – so Holly decides it’s time to introduce them to cardio strip tease. It’s pretty boring, until the instructor has them do some spread-eagle squats. (Maybe to practice how they should step out of their limo at red carpet premiers?) But one girl won’t do it. “My kitten’s staying hidden,” she says. Listen, hun, you make your living by showing your naked kitten to millions of men around America, nay, the world. Why feign modesty at Planet Fitness?

That kitty sho’ don’t look right.

Once the girls get back to the house they find that the stripper pole has arrived. Hef revels in the girls testing their new shiny toy. “If there’s one thing a girl can’t resist, it’s a stripper pole.” Normally I would cry sexist generalization here, but recalling a particularly saucy night at London’s Yates Bar makes me realize that Mr. Hefner is probably right. It also makes me realize how much I don’t miss drunken Euro-trash.

Time for the renovations to begin. Hollz, Bridg, the ‘Drizzler, and a bunch of other girls with stripper names hold a paint party. Once they figure out how to put the paint rollers together (shouldn’t you girls have a lot of experience with 8-inch tubular objects?) they start painting the room the exact same shade of Pepto-Bismol pink that Holly hated.

So girls start to paint in the only way Playmates know how – pervertedly. Holly paints boobs on the wall and a bunch of girls stamp handprints on each others butts. Kendra stares at them absolutely horrifed.

Has Kendrizzle become a prude since we last saw her? Apparently not, because she starts to apply paint to her boobs. She presses them against the wall and is shocked and dismayed that, gasp, only two pink, silicone-shaped circles appear. Upset that her masterpiece didn’t turn out as she’d hoped, she tries to wash the paint off. It doesn’t. Cue the sad music.

“But this seemed like SUCH a good idea!”

K: The paint was just stuck to my nipples. It really went deep in my pores. My nipple pores. My nipples are still red. Don’t ever paint your boobs. Really it sucked. It’s not worth it.

Thanks for the public service announcement, ‘Drizzler.

Lucky for us, Kendra gets a new bright idea: The girls should paint their feet pink and walk all over the white carpet. No, wait, they should paint a whole crime scene!

Bridg naturally plays the part of the dead body and lies down, limbs askew, on the floor. Kendra paints her outline, including bunny ears on her head. Hold up – Is it me, or did Kendra just have a unilateral mildly amusing unique idea? I’m impressed. What next, Kenny? Call Hef? Good plan.

B: Can’t you make me any thinner?

Hef reluctantly comes over and the girls all hide behind the bar. Don’t let old man winter find you, girls. He’ll turn your vajayjays to dust.

Once Hef stumbles across the crime scene the girls pop up from behind the bar and yell, “Boo!” Hef falls over. The girls giggle because they think he’s just kidding. After a few minutes Kendra walks over and kicks him. He doesn’t move. Bridget is the only one with the smarts to call the paramedics, but the jokers who control the mansions gate won’t let the ambulance in for 20 minutes. By the time they arrive…

Woah, sorry, I think I just blacked out. I must have had a fit of some sort – my roommate said my fingers were typing uncontrollably as my eyes rolled back in my head. My brain must overloaded from thinking about these insipid plastics fawning over a walking corpse. I apologize. If you’re still confused, that last paragraph is a lie after the whole “Boo!” part. But hey, a subconscious can dream.

The producers decide to feed a very much alive Hef a clever one liner. “I’ve heard of being caught red handed, but I’ve never heard of being caught red footed.” Ba-dum-CHING.

The new carpet finally arrives, but just watching the movers carry in miles of blah-colored carpet exhausts Holly, so she lies down on a stone wall. I guess with two surgically installed silicone-filled cushions anywhere can be comfortable. (You can never tell too many fake boob jokes, nope.)

Next, Hollz throws a super classy barbecue for the new girls. She must have really studied an etiquette book for this soir̩e Рthere were condoms in the center of the cheese plate.

At least she had the good sense to put Bridget in charge of the grill. God knows if they let Kendra anywhere near a flame she’d wind up with a charred ass in less than five minutes. Bridg decides it’s cute to tell each girl “spread your buns” when her burger is ready. Holly laughs ever time.

Hef finally arrives with secret lover Mary in tow. Sidenote: Did anyone else realize how tall and skinny Mary is? She towers over Kendra. I wonder what she looked like back in the day…

The girls show Hef the completed Playmate house and there’s an awkward moment when Kendra lies down on the round rotating bed and Hef plops down on top of her. Don’t get too excited, gramps. There are camera crews around and you’re both completely dressed.

K: Uhh, did you gain weight?

The girls them show him their moves on the stripper pole and Hef tells Bridg “If things don’t work out at the mansion you can always strip.” B laughs, but her eyes shoot daggers.

The episode ends with a shot of all of the Playmate house inhabitants, plus our fav mansion dwellers, chillaxing poolside con cocktails. After turning off the TV, utterly annoyed at the super lameness of this ep, I complained to my roommate that I don’t like how they spent so much time focusing all of the random newbies–and she made a very astute observation for a financial services worker. Maybe, just maybe, the producers are introducing the fresh meat because they will replace H, B, and K now that they’ve peaced out of the mans.

So what do you think? Will these girls be featured more and more in episodes to come? Will the shows every play in a linear order? Do you find these episodes that are basically about nothing as entertaining as the ones featuring actual events? Will we ever find out the secret to the magic of the Lost island? (Wait, wrong show.) Share your thoughts!