The Girls Next Door: A Nationwide Search for Sluttyness

After a bleak (well, for me anyways) one-week hiatus, The Girls Next Door were back this week with an episode jam-packed with everything we’ve come to know and love about this show: Coked-out naked bimbos, inexplicable travel, and elderly discrimination. Sigh, welcome back my loves.

All old people are welcome here. Especially filthy rich ones.

And get this – it’s not just any episode. It’s part one of a two (or three?) part episode series. Thank you, GND producers. Halfway through the season and you’re finally bringing it. And we actually have some substantial plot to work with – Playboy is holding a cross-country search for the Playmate-of-all-Playmates to be featured in the 55th anniversary issue.

And Holly is in charge.

Sure, I know naysayers will try to convince me otherwise, and I’m sure that editorial powers that be at Playboy wouldn’t allow Holly Madison to be in charge of a stapler. But the important thing here is that she *thinks* she is in charge. This is going to be good.

We start off at the mans for the LA portion of the Anniversary Playmate search. Bridget is broadcasting her radio show (which I’d completely forgotten about) live from the lawn. And no one could describe the scene there better than Hollz. “There’s media, press, and of course, mass nakedness.” (Holly, media and press = pretty much the same thing. It’s like she’s turning into that girl from the Ab Sculptor commercials. “I love my stomach, I love my belly, I love my abdominals.”)

Hef comes out of his dirt-filled coffin to check out the action. (I have to confess… I just read Twilight. But I’ll try to keep vampire references to a minimum. And please don’t hold the fact that I just read a teen romance novel about vampires against me.)

Love u

The Playmate wannabes freak when they see Hef and take a bunch of photos with him. I wonder what Japanese people would think if we showed them this GND clip. What would their reaction be to twenty-odd blonde chicks flocking to an old man like he’s going to stop their creepy uncle from sneaking into their bedroom late at night? Probably something similar to American’s reactions to the Japanese game shows that always seem to involve giant mushrooms and copious amounts of mud.

Next, Holly explains the very specific qualifications required of the Anniversary Playmate. She needs to be “special.” She needs to have “a good personality.” “But looks do come first,” Hollz is quick to point out. “Sorry, un-PC, but it’s true.”

You don’t have to apologize for that one Holly — of course looks come first. Personality doesn’t translate across a glossy mag page – especially when a trucker is ogling it in a rest stop bathroom.

But as Holly and some other Playmate staffers watch the girls take test shots in front of a backdrop that must have been sent over from picture day at Beverly Hills Elementary, things are not looking good. They’re looking for the cream of the crop, but it seems like all they’ve got is the cream of Hollywood and Wilshire.

One small-chested blonde named Jenna gets Hollz accolades because, and I quote, “she moves.” Anyone who has ever watched America’s Next Top Model knows to move after each shot or face getting jumped in a dark alley by Tyra, Miss Jay, and Jay Emmanuel. Seems like all the Playmate-worth LA goods have already been gotten. This calls for a road trip. But first, Kendra needs to buy girlier clothes. Don’t question it, just enjoy.

According to Kendra, being girly is pretty much about buying clothes that match. If that’s the criteria for being girly then I know a bunch of rappers and several hundred professional basketball players that have a really strong feminine side.

But we don’t really even get to see what Kendrizzle buys because she is hounded by paparazzi everywhere she goes. She says she hates it, it makes her nervous, it embarrasses her – but not enough to resist checking her ass out in the store’s mirror. By the time she leaves the shop there are almost 20 paps and a smattering of fans all trying to steal a glimpse. I’ve seen Kendra up close and, trust me, it is not that exciting people. Just buy a high def TV – you’ll still get an accurate sense of her vacantness. (For a full account of my run-in with the ‘Drizzler, check out recap numero uno.)

Back to the search of a half-century, Holly breaks the news to Hef that she’s hitting the road for a seemingly random tri-city-tour (Chicago, Dallas, NYC) for an entire week. This “news” makes Heffy sad.

Hef: I’m gonna be very lonely.

Holly: No, you won’t. I have a feeling.

The producers hint at what the Internet gossip mongers have been telling us for a while by imposing a pic of two similar looking girls – yup, a set of young, supple blonde twins are in Hef’s future. And it seems that Holly might even bring them back to him from the massive Playmate search. Innocent, or a last-ditch attempt to sully Hef’s reputation by introducing incest to the mansion? You are a diabolical one, Hollz.

Alllllright, let’s get this roadtrip on the, er, air. First stop: Chicago. Playboy’s hometown and where I spent my most recent business trip. I didn’t make it to the original Playboy mansion (blast!) but I can imagine why Hef got his inspiration there – lots of wind to blow skirts up.

After a restful night at some swanky hotel, Hollz, Bridg, and a few other girls get ready to check out the Playmate auditions. While the other girls are preening and primping, Bridget makes a video for her radio show’s website. Holly walks by and, naturally, moons the camera. Ah yes, nothing says good morning like a little ass cheek.

Boy, the wind is strong in this hotel room!

You can tell this is some of the other girl’s first trip away from the Playmate house because they’re super giggly and excited. One says she’s really happy to be away from her boyfriend. Wait, you can have a bf while living at the Playmate house? You’d think Hef would have some kind of rule against that. How does that work? Does she and her bf spoon in her twin bed while seven other girls sleep around her freshman-dorm style? And what happens when Hef “calls” her? (Or are these girls not his beck-and-call sex slaves?)

Anyway, the girls head over to the Chicago Playboy office and there is mad drama because Playmate Kendal isn’t supposed to see her photo spread because it’s not in print yet. Why? Hef says so. But one of the other girl’s issue is already in print, so she gets to take a copy home. Yay, now you can scan your naked photos and show your Mom so she doesn’t have to buy a plastic-encased dirty magazine. Congratulations.

Next the girls finally make it to the hotel where the Chicago auditions are being held. On the way to the function hall, they pass a doorway that is labeled the “Madison Room.” Holly gets excited. “Look, it’s my room!” I can’t imagine what she’d be like strolling down NYC’s Madison Ave. Madison and 23rd. “Hey, it’s my street corner!” Madison and 24th. “Ohmigod, my corner again!”

Once the girls finally make it to the audition room, they quickly learn that LA was only the tip of the shiteous slut iceberg. The grossest of them all was this, um, big-boned girl in a minuscule bikini. Now, I have nothing against slightly obese mentally handicapped people, but really? I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she got lost on her way to the Dove Campaign for Real Women auditions.

Holy sideboob, Batman!

And while some of the girls are better looking than our donut-loving friend, their minds were so empty they may as well have been that 1,000 pound man that just got married from his bed in Mexico.

As part of the audition process, each girl had to tell the camera why she wanted to be the 55th Anniversary Playmate. Based on their responses, I’m beginning to think that tribe in the South Pacific is right – cameras do steal your soul. Or at least your intelligence.

“I just want to be naked. It’s the truth!” Um, then maybe you should move to Utah and join a nudist colony. I saw a show about nudists on “True Life: I’m a Nudist” and they seemed very happy.

“Kim Kardashian gave me motivation,” says our Amazonian tiny bikini friend. Well, it’s good to know Kim is making an impact on someone’s life, or at least someone’s meaningless existence.

All of this trashtasticness is even too much for our Playmates and you can clearly read the disgust on each of their faces. Hollz is disappointed. “I want to bring a Chicago girl home for Hef… Wait, not in that way!” Really? Not in that way? I thought that was the whole point of this episode series.

Back over to the mans in LA where Kendra convinces Hef to talk into the magic orb on the top of her laptop, known to those of us under 75 as a webcam. Apparently Kendra has some live fan chat thing, which I can only assume is 30 minutes of her staring at her image in the monitor and then 15 minutes of her flashing the tatas.

I love me some internets

So Heffy comes over and waves in the vague direction of the webcam and Kendra says that everyone watching must be SO surprised. Although, you are videoing from Mr. Hefner’s home so, really, how surprised can they be? My fav nugget is when Kendra asks Hef what everyone in the chat is saying and he goes, “I can’t hear them!” Maybe someone should get him a screen reader for the deaf.

One clever chatter then randomly expresses his dislike for the San Diego Chargers. Kendra gives him the reaction he was looking for. “Fuck you dude! No Charger haters allowed!” You tell ‘em, Drizzler! Now flash your boobies to show him you mean business.

Over in Chicago, the Playmates decide to hit up a Hooters because, like so many before her, Holly used to work there. Bridget decides to scope out cute girls to talk to on her radio show, because, you know, cuteness travels through radio waves.

Now, tell me, why are you here at Hooters?

Bridg apparently vets her talk show guests like McCain vets VP candidates, because when she tries to convince this chick to try out to be the Anniversary Playmate, she learns that she already auditioned. (Note to Bridget: Of COURSE the cute girl with fake boobs hanging out in HOOTERS auditioned for Playboy!)

But the Bridgster handles herself like a pro and, after some hard hitting questions, we learn that this girl’s mom was a Playmate back in ’68. She tells Holly the mom’s name and get’s a vacant “Oh, neat!” in response. Cute that Bridg thinks that Hollz has all the past Playmates names memorized. And she had a shaky start, but I think our Bridget is really warming up to this whole radio thing. You can totes have a career even if you leave the mansion, Bridg! I know it’s scary, but if Holly and Kendra can date creepy magicians and have shot-gun weddings, then so can you!

Back at the Playmate auditions, the girls are having trouble saying this like “Playboy’s 55th Anniversary Playmate.” Holly’s bummed because she still hasn’t found that regular-Playmate-times-55 girl.

After a long, hard day filled with nudity and chicken wings, Hollz calls her Puffin from her hotel bed. She tells him about the daughter of the ’68 Playmate she found, but since statistically there must be thousands of Playmate daughters out there Hef’s not too surprised. He tells Holly that he and the puppies miss her. Hm, I wonder if Holly got to take her dogs with her when she moved in with Criss.

The episode ends as the girls jet over to Dallas, where I assume the entire cast of that Dallas Cheerleader reality show will audition. I smell a crossover!

So, what do you guys think is the deal with those twins? Will Holly find them in Dallas? They don’t seem like the NYC-dwelling type, but who knows. And what do you think about Hef giving Kendra away at her wedding? Seriously, do we need any more proof that she is lacking a father figure? Share your thoughts!