The Girls Next Door: Polygamist Home Wreckers Come in Twos

This week on Girls Next Door we are blessed with part two of the two-part nationwide search for a 55th Anniversary Playmate, which brings even more skankified blondeness than part one. Not the least of which is the slightly (OK, totally) incestuous identical skankified blondeness crazyness! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Hey, combining Texas and New York is my thang!

Last time we saw the girls they were heading from Chicago to Dallas, the second city on their tri-city tour. Hollz, who is pretend in charge of the Anniversary Playmate casting, was bummed out by Chi-town’s girls but is super hopeful for the Dallas prospects. She explains that loads of past Playmates are Texans and that Playboy is especially successful in finding girls in the South.

Hmmm, I wonder if that stat is because of the countless crack-baby trailer-trash jobless hos littering the land south of the Mason-Dixon line. Or maybe it’s just so hot down there they can’t help but take their clothes off. In front of photographers. For money. Nope, definitely the former. Now before all you Southerners reading this take offense – I know it’s not your fault! My friend and colleague was a very respectable journalist when she lived in San Francisco, but since moving to Texas she’s become a cracked out cokewhore. Say laa vee, right Southerners?

Anyways, Holly is also confident she’ll find her girl in Dallas because everything is bigger in Texas. “We’re looking for some big Ds in the big D,” she laughs. Good play on words, Hollz. Well, play on letters, actually, but props just the same.

Unfort for Holly, once the girls start the video portion of the audition things go down hill. One girl tells the camera that she wants to be the 155th Anniversary Playmate. The camera guys scoff at her, but really, it’s understandable–especially when you take a look at the editor-in-chief/crypt keeper.

Hollz and Bridg take a break from the human equivalent of white noise filling the audition room, and flip through the files of the girls who have already tried out. Holly chooses her three favs, but is still looking for “that fucking knock out.” Cue the music and glittery effects.

All that glistens is not Anniversary Playmate material, bitch.

In walks Hope, a Texan-turned-Canadian-TV-host who, judging by the swirling stars superimposed around her, is just about perfect for the job. Holly has her sit down for a chat. Turns out the great-boobed Hope can string a sentence together.

“I think being the 55th Anniversary Playmate would be something grand.” Um… “grand”? Is that what the CanadianTV hosts are saying these days? Those wacky Canucks, just can’t keep up with their slang.

But Hollz isn’t phased by Hope’s fancy talk. In fact, she says the relatively successful Dallas casting has cheered her up – time to head to NYC. As the show fades to commercial, we hear Hollz singing “Start spreading your legs” to the tune of New York, New York. Sinatra would be so proud.

After the commercial break we learn that the GND producers were probably shitting themselves because we’re 8 minutes deep and Kendra hasn’t even had a cameo. Crap! Better send her to the wig shop.

Hey, is this horse hair? It reminds me of my great aunt Black Beauty

I guess this is part two of the “Give Kendra a Transvestite Makeover Because She Didn’t Go On The Tri-city Roadtrip But We Have to Put Her in The Episode Because She’s Our Cash Cow” segment.

First Kendra tries on a mullet. Laughs are had by all. Then she tries on a dark brown wig. “I definitely feel different as a brunette,” she philosophizes. “I don’t feel… blonde.” Really? You still sound pretty blonde.

After examining herself with the straight dark hair, she announces she looks like a porn star… followed quickly by, “hahahaha just kidding!” I don’t know about you guys, but I thought her horse-like laugh sounded extra horsy. I think she’s hiding something.

Kendra worries that the curtains won’t match the drapes. And then, just in case there’s anyone out there who doesn’t know what she’s talking about, she says she’s worried that she’ll have to dye her pubes black. Thanks for clarifying, Kennster. In a white house 3,000 miles away, a man with satisfaction ratings nearing the single digits just guffawed in understanding.

Would you like curly fries or regular?

Kendra tries on another handful of wigs, including a mom wig, a bitch lesbian mom wig, and a diner waitress grandma wig. I find each of these wigs especially symbolic because Kendra has NO IDEA how close she is to becoming all of those white trash stereotypes she just mocked. If Hef didn’t pick you out of the Painted Ladies line, you’d probably be three kids deep and waiting tables at the Beverly Hills Greasy Silver Spoon. I’m also fairly certain you have strong lesbian tendencies, so a life partner is clearly in your future. And I’m sure your kids will be teenage mamas and daddies, and then you would in fact be a bitch lesbian mom/grandma working in a diner. Count your blessings.

Moving on, back in the Big Apples (looking for some big apples in the Big Apple, Holly?) the girls decide to go sightseeing. First stop: Coney Island. Now, I’ve been to New York a good number of times and I’ve never been to Coney Island, so I don’t know how much of a tourist attraction it really is. The producers probably figured it would be the best chance at getting the girls in an awkward-yet-enthralling situation – and it worked.

After riding the ferris wheel, the girls play a little game called “Shoot the Freak.” Bridget describes the game for us viewers with horror. Basically, this shirtless tan skinny kid with a shield runs around a nuclear wasteland/driving range turf as paying customers shoot paintballs at him. Bridget is upset that they’re shooting at a real guy. “Who does this?!” she asks, as if someone is telling her to throw pennies off a cliff so impoverished Vietnamese children can dive in and get them.

She’s especially disturbed when the game’s MC, for lack of a better word, keeps screaming at the girls to “Shoot the freakin’ freak in the freakin’ pickle.” I can understand why she’s upset – these past few years Bridg has had to be especially tender to a certain decomposing pickle.

Good thing I have a freakin’ pickle protector.

Next the girls head over to Times Square and meet up with three other Playmates who live in NYC. Bridget decides she has to get a good old-fashioned New York hotdog. Nothing fancy – just hotdog, bun, and yellow mustard. If you think this minutiae couldn’t be turned into minor plot point, you’re wrong.

You see, Bridget is a yellow mustard aficionado. Dijon, or, as she calls it, yellow mustard with specks in it, just is not up to her high, high standards. For mustard to be considered edible for Bridget, it must be the color of the daffodils that grow at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro where there used to be glaciers but aren’t any more because Sarah Palin and global warming scared them away, right Ann Curry? (Sorry, I watch the Today Show too much.)

Drawn-out-story short, Bridget and her unfortunate companions visit four hotdog vendors before they find the correct mustard. Holly ate the first one that B rejected, but I wonder what happened to all of the others. I’d like to think that Hollz felt so bad for each of the hotdog-selling foreigners that Bridg turned down that she ate each hotdog, one after the other, because she didn’t want to hurt their feelings. And then made them disappear from her stomach with the magic she learned from Criss Angel. Magic bulimia is SO much tidier than regular bulimia.

I just remembered — I hate mustard.

Back at the mansion, a black-wigged lingerie-wearing pseudo porn star surprises Hef in his bedroom. I was surprised she didn’t give the poor old guy a heart attack–she does look really different–but this scene proves yet again that nothing surprises Hef anymore. He chuckles and tells her he prefers her as a blonde. BUT if you rewind your DVR and turn the volume up high enough you can hear him whisper, “You better not have dyed your effing hair for real, you little twit, because, as you know, it says in your contract that all of my sex slaves must be blonde because turns out, unlike what Ponce de Leon told me, sleeping with three young ditzes is the real Fountain of Youth. Now laugh that sexy laugh for me, Seabiscuit.”

In New York the girls finally head over to the last audition. Bridget broadcasts her Playboy Sirius show from the hotel and chats with the girls trying out. (Is it me or is this the most-involved cheerleader tryout ever?) At this point, watching all the naked girls throw their underwear at the camera is getting pretty old.

The most amusing part is when one of the Playboy judges tells one of the girls, “Welcome to Playboy” as she starts her audition. But of course this chick thinks that, having merely laid eyes on her for five seconds, this guy is so impressed that he’s not even going to consider any other wannabe — he’s found his girl. “Really?!” she gasps. Awkwaaaard. “Uh, well, you’re here, aren’t you?” the poor judge stammers. Girl, you are definitely not getting a call back.

At the end of the day Holly, Bridget and gang meet up with this Brazilian playmate who lives in the city and they all have cosmos on a rooftop bar while pretending to be in Sex and the City. Well, you guys have the sex part down. Next, start working on the actually having a career so you can have something of substance to talk about part.

When the girls finally get home Hef is very happy to see Holly and Bridget. Holly shows Hef pics of the finalists she likes. She tells him about Texanadian Hope, who, judging by his pun, Hef likes. “She looks like she has more than a hope.” Then Hollz shows him a pic of Crystal, that daughter of the ’68 Playmate Bridget interviewed for her radio show.

OK, now put your analytical caps on.

Next, Hef says, “What a nice girlfriend – you bring me all those beautiful girls.

Then Holly shows him one of the entries that was submitted via the internets – including a photo of naked blonde twins straddling each other.

1) EW!!!

2) The sluts that are going to replace our dear Holly and dear-ish Kendra have officially been introduced into the show! Maybe some of you guy readers can explain the male fascination with twins, but to me it seems like a whole lot of incest and, when you’re drunk, confusion.

I don’t care if you have identical body parts. Keep your hands to yourself.

Where is the show going to go from here? I can only guess that these girls win the 55th Anniversary Playmate spot (or, I guess, spots) and will be invited to the mansion and Hef will pay them to live with him, I mean seduce them. Would you guys watch Girls Next Door if it was Holly- and Kendra-less? And what about poor Bridg?! She’s the oldest one as it is, how will she relate to these possibly teenaged twins? Is anyone else’s world collapsing out from under them???