The Girls Next Door: Horses, Hats, and Whores

This week’s Girls Next Door is filled with horses and, no, it’s not a Wilkinson family reunion. Hef and the girls head over to Kentucky to trash-out the Derby. How fitting that they go to a state that has the initials KY.

Hate to break it to you Kendra, but your mom broke her leg and was put down last year. There, there, eat these oats.

We open on the girls hanging in Bridget’s room almost as naturally as if all three of them really hang out anymore – Holly is doing leg and abs exercises on the floor and Kendra of off snorting coke in the corner while Bridget giggles vacantly at both of them.

Hef interrupts the girl talk to ask them if they want to go to the Kentucky Derby and some celebrity gala thingy. Private jet? Celebrities? Tacky fashion accessories? They’re in!

Kendra and Bridget decide to go hat shopping and even though they are together you can tell that the ‘Drizzler is the odd man out. The awkwardness is emanating out from my TV. The whole fakeness kinda makes me feel tricked – it’s as if mom and dad are all smiles and kisses in public but dad sleeps on a cot down in the garage. Our little peroxide family just isn’t what it used to be.

Back in the hat shop Ken and Bridg are faking it til they make it. Kendra pulls a swatch of fabric out of her bag, which turns out to be her Derby dress. She brought it to make sure she finds a hat that matches juuust right.

She doesn’t want to be outdone.

She tries on a bunch of ridiculous hats just to see how silly she looks, so it’s basically Kendra tries on wigs part deux. After donning one sombrero-like hat K declares that she looks like Speedy Gonzales, to which Bridget replies, and I quote, “Ha. Ha… Ha.”

Come on, Bridg, I know you can fake it better than that! Especially after how well I heard you faking it for Hef last night when I was standing outside of the mansion with one of those hearing aid things they sell at CVS so old people can hear really faint sounds… Wait, did I write that out loud?

Anyway, for the second episode in a row Kendra points out that her head is way bigger than the average noggin and she winds up having to have a hat custom made. But not before she asks if she can have head surgery. Honey, I don’t think anyone would oppose a lobotomy in this case.

Over at the mansion, Holly and her blonde minions are gluing My Little Ponies on to a white oversized Easter hat for Hollz to wear to the Derby. Oh come ON! You know if Kendra was the one sticking plastic neon toys on a Dollar Store hat Holly would be the FIRST to judge. What’s the deal here? Maybe this is around the time when Hef first realized Holl was leaving him for Criss and he cut her allowance! Or maybe she just has really really bad taste.

The next morning everyone flies out to Louisville on Hef’s private jet. I have to say, it’s pretty astounding how at home the girls look on the plane. It’s kind of sad that at that point in time private flights were the norm for them. Cut to five months down the line when Hollz and Kenny have been dumped by Criss and that football player, respectively, and are waiting tables at Dennys. Bet they’ll wish they savored the luxury while they had it.

When they finally arrive at their hotel Hef and the girls are greeted first by paparazzi and then by strange hat-wearing ladies that line the hotel lobby like cheerleaders welcoming the home team into the stadium. Guess that goes to show how starved for celebrities Kentucky is.

Once everyone is settled in their rooms they all get ready and head out to the celebrity gala. At the red carpet there are rows and rows of screaming celeb gawkers behind barriers. They freak out when they see Hef and the girls, who sign a good amount of autographs and sake a bunch of hands. (I hope the ‘Drizzler’s type of herpes can’t be transmitted by mere skin contact.) Even Kendra is humbled by the screaming strangers. Holly says she thought they might have mistaken her for someone else. Soak it up while you can, Hollz – you won’t get that reaction on Criss’s arm.

Nick: Maybe you should wear a name tag next time, bro

Also at the gala are some D list celebs, like Nick Lachey. I KNEW I had seen this episode once before! I was so confused when I checked the TV schedule and it said the Kentucky Derby episode was new. I could have sworn I’d seen a semi-brain damaged blonde bet on the races before, and I did. It was an episode of Newly Weds, which I guess is a precursor to GND in many ways. Anyone else miss that show as much as I do? Tear.

Is this horse that I have or is this stallion that I have?

Also at the gala are the Barnstable Twins, aka the Doublemint Twins, who were on the cover of Playboy in the 80s. Hold up – twin playmates?! Guess the whole incest thing isn’t entirely new territory for Mr. Hefner. Double yick.

After the gala, everyone has to piss really bad on the limo ride home. Like, really bad. Like, fast food restaurant bad. Bridget decides to take charge and hollers up to the driver.

B: Hey, is there anywhere we can pee, like a Taco Bell or a KFC?

Do you guys really need to pee or is Kendra just looking for a midnight snack? I’m sure some more respectable establishments would allow you to use their facilities, so long as you don’t allow Ms. Wilkinson to intentionally flash anyone. Lucky for you, the limo driver knows better.

He pulls up to a closed restaurant. The girls can tell it’s closed from inside the limo, but they venture out into the pouring rain anyway. It turns out to be not the worst idea because the restaurant workers must have caught a glimpse of some boobs and/or video cameras and they kindly open up their doors and toilet stalls for our protagonists. Kendra is extra excited because “the game” is on, but then she gets sad because the pizza oven is closed for the evening. Life is cruel, isn’t it Ken?

After the girls take a few pics with the restaurant staff, they leave them to finish sweeping up and head back to the stretch. Seriously though, how cool would it be if you were just minding your own business, working the closing shift in your little Hicksville restaurant, and the Girls Next Door show up?

The next morning the girls get ready for the race and, shocker of shockers, Kendra looks totally respectable! True, her peach mini-dress is skin tight, but nothing is popping out that shouldn’t be. Classyness is relative, after all. Bridget looks cute in a yellow and pink dress avec matching hat, and Holly resembles Little Bo Peep in her flouncy white dress with the previously described W.T. hat. (Sidenote: My spellcheck doesn’t recognize “flouncy” as a word – am I really using lexicon that Fergie made up?! Sick. I may have to forfeit my journalism degree.)

After they’re dressed, the girls carry out an elaborate trick on poor Mary. They switch out Mary’s real hat box and replace it with one that contains a hat that isn’t hers. (Elaborateness is relative, after all.)

Seems like a lame prank, but Mary gets very, very upset. “That’s not my hat. I don’t like that hat. I want my hat,” she repeats over and over and over. Can you imagine what Mary is really thinking? I’m guessing it’s something like, “I bet the freakin’ hyena/horse hybrid one mistook my real hat for a Frisbee and threw it at that loser dog of hers that pees everywhere, and then killed one of my lover’s prized peacocks and glued its feathers to a paper plate and put it in my hatbox! If Hef wasn’t such a stallion in the sack I would have quit this job years ago and put my astrophysics Ph.D. to use.”

Bridget finally caves and gives Mary back her real hat, which is this super shiteous visor. Mary is a really good sport about it, considering she was one peacock feather away from blowing their brains just out moments before. “Oh, you girls are such shanties,” she laughs. Just Googled “shanty” to see if it has some definition that I’m not aware of, but the interwebs confirm that a shanty is a) a hovel or b) a work song. Either Mary is losing it or she’s getting quite metaphorical. Is she saying that the girls are the representative of today’s societal dilapidation? I might need to dig out my old philosophy text books…

There is some drama when Hef is getting dressed because Holly decides to butt in and tell him she doesn’t think a tie is required, even though the Heffster is already wearing one, because she knows he hates wearing ties. Hef indeed decides to take it off, but brings it along just in case. Girl, you’ve got to learn when to leave well enough alone.

I know my dad’s not around, but figured I should wear a high neckline just in case.

At the Derby red carpet the gang is again greeted by tons of screaming fans and some press. There are also some C-list celebs (one step up from the “celebrity” gala), including Chelsea Clinton. I still cannot get over how much that girl’s looks have improved since she was 13. Bet she really wishes her mom won the election just so she could have a second go at being first kid.

Since the Churchill Downs are so sprawling (and prob because the girls are teetering on their stilettos) Hef and Co. are driven by golf carts to their VIP box. Upon arrival, Kendra notices that they are sitting right next to a good amount of Patriots players. Even our Number 1 Chargers Fan admits that Tom Brady is beyond hot. Totally agree with her there, even though is is kinda a d-bag. I’ve seen him a few times at Pats training camp and he is always a hot mess, even with helmet hair. Sigh.

While they’re waiting for the races to begin, Hef orders everyone $1,000 mint juleps, which are served in 24 karat gold cups. Apparently the drink proceeds to go the care of the horses or something, but for that money it should be the freakin’ holy grail. (Ya know, the one from Indiana Jones that makes you live forever and heals Nazi bullet wounds.)

Careful — if you are not worthy you will shrivel up and die. Don’t believe me? Just ask Hef.

I just spent less than what that drink cost on a new MacBook and even I’m having a twinge of buyer’s remorse — and this laptop will last a good five years longer than that drink. That said, Bridget can’t even drink hers because it’s too strong. Bridg, honey, that drink cost one grand. Gulp it the eff down!

Next, everyone heads down to the bidding area to place their bets. Holly’s theory is go big or go home and puts $1,000 of a horse named Pyro. Great, $2K out the window in a matter of minutes. Bridget, proving once again that she’s the most logical, puts $250 on four different horses because she knows the whole point of the Derby (for high rollers at least) is to bet on a winner, not cash out.

Push it, Big Brown, push it!

At first Kendra is sure she wants to bet on a horsie called Big Brown. Hmmm, any guesses why? But at the last minute she puts $200 on some underdog because some random dude told her to. Jeez Kenny, even I didn’t think you’d fall for such trickery.

Before heading back to their box, the girls head down to the stables and proceed to feed the horses countless mints. Lots of jokes about the horsies’ minty fresh breath are made. But the girls hang with Kendra’s extended family a little too long and have to scramble amongst the sea of gaudy hats to get back to their seats. Kendra, of course, still manages to find the time to sign a few autographs along the way.

The race finally begins and, what do you know, Big Brown wins. Kendra is upset with her horrible luck. Next time, go with your instincts instead of listening to some random asshole who’s playing up in front of the cameras. Oh, wait, there won’t be a next time because there’s no way your soon-to-be husband will be able to take you to such events.

Bridget and Hef are happy because they had each placed some moola on Brownie. Bridg takes home $850. Good work, dude! Only leaving with $150 less than you came with.

To my dismay, this ep ends without having once referenced those replacement twins that we saw last week. Think they’ll be on next week? Will you be able to handle watching the beginning of the transition? Will a blonde on blonde catfight break out?! (We can only hope.)

**Extra points to whoever comes up with the best one liner explaining why Kendra loved the name Big Brown.**