The Girls Next Door: Warning – Jungle Rope Can Cause Firecrotch

This week on The Girls Next Door…

THE. TWINS. ARE. HERE.

And they’re just about as charming as you’d think they would be.

We start off with Holly flitting into Mary’s office and, after they exchange “bonjours,” Hollz sets the premise. The five girls in the running for Playboy’s 55th Anniversary Playmate are coming out to the mansion to take another round of test shots and and try out Holly and Kendra’s beds.

Over at the Playmate House the final five start to arrive. First up is Crystal, the chick Bridget accosted (OK, interviewed) at the Hooters in Chicago. Once playmate Valerie lets her in, Crys notices that there is a giant print of her mom’s 1968 Playboy cover on the entryway wall. A house full of neon pink twin beds where an 82-year-old man could come sodomize you at any time AND a pic of your mom naked on the wall? Welcome to your nightmare, Crystal.

Now that’s a family business.

Holly finally gets her ass over to the Playmate House just in time for the next girl to arrive. It’s Dasha, a gorgeous Ukrainian Playmate who has brought along a translator because her Anglais es no bueno. I’m also fairly certain that she is a Soviet spy. Yes, I know Dasha is from Ukraine and that the USSR no longer exists. I just have a gut feeling.

I veel keep your seekrets. Bwahahahaha

And my stomach only grows queasier with the next Playmate hopeful, or should I say, hopefuls. The homewrecker twin whores have officially stepped on mansion soil. And life as we know is about to change forever.

The DoubleWhore Twins

The 18-year-old twhores are named Karissa and Kristina and are from Clearwater, FL. I recently vacationed in Clearwater and I knew that place was not right from the second I stepped into the five star resort my Korean friend’s megalomanic mother had booked for us. Any place that hands you chilled glasses of champagne before you check in has darkness in its soul.

Holly is unimpressed with the twins because they pretty much walk right past her like they own the place when she opens the Playmate House door for them. Someone needs to teach them pretentious trailer trash etiquette.

All of the girls are chilling on the couch making vapid small talk. Holly asks the twhores if they’ve ever been to Cali before. They say that they haven’t and they are most impressed with how crowded it is. Even Holly, master of every social situation, can’t think of any response to this vanilla comment on one of the most interesting states in the nation. A super long awkward silence ensues.

So, anyone read the latest Rushdie novel? Not as good as the other ones, right? Right? Right?

In their testimonial, the twins waste no time scoping out the present competition and decide that they’ve got a stiletto up on the other girls because there’s two of them. They did the botched math and boast that 1 + 1 = 55th Anniversary Playmate(s). I really hope Holly smacks these cocky hos in their faces before this season is over.

Anyway, the awk silence in the Playmate House is broken when the third contender arrives. (I’m counting the twins as one since the universe wouldn’t know the difference if one was lost forever in the back of Kendra’s SUV.) It’s Orange County girl Jessica, who Holly, the self-proclaimed MySpace Troll, found online. She seems nice, but doesn’t have much to add to the conversation other than complaining about all the traffic she hit on her way north. Well, I guess it’s better than listening to the wind rush through five hollow minds.

She’s already scratching. That can’t be good.

Now that the painful chitchat is out of the way, Holly takes the ladies on their first tour of the mansion. I thought it was really symbolic when they first walk through into the main foyer and there is a giant framed copy of Holly, Bridget, and Kendra’s Playboy cover. I have a feeling that’s Hollz version of pissing on her territory.

Subtle.

Holly then ushers the girls out to the patio to eat and Hef drops in for a visit. Most of the girls stare at him dumbly, but when Dasha stands up for a more respectful greeting, the others follow suit. Those communist spy schools really teach good manners, don’t they?

Hef, always the wit, proceeds to question the twins. “We’ve got twins here? And you are from Florida? And you really are twins?” They giggle uncomfortably, probably wondering if he’s being coy or if they’re seeing the first sign of late-onset Alzheimer’s.

After lunch, Holly takes the girls to the mansion game house, which is filled with a pool table and pretty much every arcade game built before 1985. While the other girls take turns not hitting the pool balls with their cues, Dasha kicks ass on a shooting game. She finds the carnage very amusing. “I’m sorry officer,” she cackles in her thick “Ukrainian” accent after she, I presume, brutally murders a virtual cop. Ruthless, those Ruskis.

After the gaming fun, the girls are supposed to go to sleep so they can get their beauty rest to look extra slutty for their test shoots tomorrow. Naturally, they go skinny dipping in the grotto instead. I’ve never understood the thrill of skinny dipping, let alone skinny dipping with a small group of girls. Would you really have less fun if you kept your skimpy bikini top on?

Like you need floaties.

The next day Kendra goes to talk to Crystal because, you know, the ‘Drizzler is just friendly like that. (Could the producers really think of no other way to fit her in this episode?) After some hard hitting investigative questions, Kenny discovers that Crys’ mom was not only a Playboy centerfold, but dated Hef for three years. That’s, like, as long as you’ve been, like, dating Mr. Hefner, isn’t it Ken?

The Kennster decides to take Crystal to the mansion library to find her mother’s issue. And hey, what do you know, Hef just happens to be chillaxing in the lib too. Though she looks pained and beyond bored, Kendra manages to find this particular ’68 issue (she’s upset it’s not ’69) and Crystal is lucky enough to get to stare at her naked mother while standing next to her decrepit ex-boyfriend. This trip just keeps getting better and better for her.

In the photo, Crystal’s mom is posing in the mansion pool with an inflatable swan. Hef mentions that Holly found an identical swan currently in the pool and is planning on having Crys pose with it during her shoot. Aww how cute. Maybe Holly will make Crystal and her mother a scrapbook of their mother-daughter matching porno pics.

She also taught me how to do puzzles real good.

Always looking to make an awkward situation even more awkward, Kendra asks Hef if he remembers having sex with Crystal’s mother. He says he does, but you can tell he tooootally doesn’t.

Later, the girls start to get their hair and makeup did for their test shoots. Dasha is up first. Her shoot location: the mansion pool. Hef is really impressed with her poses, which isn’t surprising since she’s modeled for a few European Playboy editions. Holly, who apparently orchestrated all of the test shoots on some level, is also observing. She stands by Hef, who gives her a sweet kiss on the cheek.

OK, clearly the impending threat of Holly and Kendra leaving and the twins moving in is making me overly nostalgic for these silly swinging sluts that I used to mock. (Why else would I put “Hef,” “Holly,” and “sweet” in the same sentence?) OK, I still mock, but in a way similar to making fun of your kid when they eat a jar full of paste and have to have their stomach pumped. (It can happen to anyone, Kenrda.) I fear I’m leaning toward sardonic affection.

Moving on… It’s time for Crystal’s shoot and she is, indeed, shooting in the pool with the look-alike swan. It’s a bad angle for her when she tries to reproduce her mom’s over-the-shoulder pose, because some back fat somehow shows itself, despite her being pretty thin. Crys says she felt pretty awk about taking her clothes off at first, but got used to it because of the professional atmosphere. We all know if Playboy represents anything, it’s professionalism. Like the time Hef made a girl hired to be a painted lady at one of his parties his girlfriend, or the many, many, many times the that same girl prank calls the mansion staff.

Board meeting at 9. Wear a suit.

Next, we head over to the tennis courts where the twins are pretty much failing their test shoot. They’re wearing bikini tops and short skirts (presumably with nothing under them) and are attempting to hit the balls being lightly tossed their way. They fail miserably.

Kendra drops by and manages to keep a straight face while she watches such an offense to sports, and tells the twhores they look good. But we all know she is simultaneously mocking them mercilessly in her head. We get a little snippet of this during her testimonial.

K: The twins’ technique was not so good. I noticed that they had a weird grip, so I had to go correct them a little bit because they looked funny.

Thankfully the photog gives up on these action shots and has the girls take their tops off and pose nipple to nipple. Holly drops by and tells them they look really cute, but then questions her choice of word. Yeah, Hollz, I think the one you were looking for is “incestuous.” But good try.

Concentrate on the balls.

In their joint testimonial, one of the twins (who cares which) shares her thoughts about their shoot. “Most girls think it would be intimidating and they would be kinda shy about it, but we had a lot of fun. We were like, free.” Yeah, free of modern societal morals.

After the twins shoot, Hope, the Canadian TV host who auditioned in Dallas, finally arrives at the mansion. She had to come a day late because she was filming her Canadian talk show in NYC, so I guess calling her a “Canadian TV host” isn’t completely accurate. Whatevs, I’m sticking with it.

As she unpacks her shit and chats with a playmate in the Playmate House, we learn that she is a huge label whore. She reads the designer names off of each of the 7 or so pairs of shoes she brought with her. She also pulls out a sailor hat that, she clarifies to the playmate, is not for her photo shoot. It’s just everyday wear. Everyone wears sailor hats in Manhattan. Riiiiight.

While Hope is getting ready, it’s Jessica’s turn to have her test shoot. Her location is the “jungle,” aka a tropical-looking spot on the mansion grounds. But Jess is apparently convinced she’s in a real jungle, because she asks her photog if there is quicksand on the ground before she steps in the dirt in her 5-inch heels.

This shoot is gonna do nothing to help her itch.

Holly tells us that Jess is one of her absolute fav contendor because she thinks her look is so in right now, whatever that means. Meanwhile, as Jessica poses against a tree, she declares, “This tree smells!” Understandable, it must be very different from the other trunks she’s used to.

The photographer decides to take some pics of J swinging from a rope. Jess said she forgot she was naked the entire time, that is until she got a rather unpleasant rope burn.

J: Swinging naked is different from swinging with clothes on. Like, woah. ::Grabs crotch::

That great observation is followed up by another classic Hefner pun.

H: I heard she was a swinger.

Once all of the girls are done shooting for the day, Hef takes everyone out to dinner at a restaurant called Ketchup. There, the conversation quickly turns to when everyone lost their virginities. This scene is an interesting psychological study because the girls corresponding ages tell a lot about their personalties.

Bridget was 18. Makes sense since she is the most reasonable of the three.

Kendra was 14. I think any of us could have guessed that – that girl has statutory rape written all over her.

Holly was a freshman in high school. She said she wanted to know what all the fuss was about, so she sought out a cute guy from her rival high school and slept with him. This shows Holly’s conniving skills — way smart to have a one night stand with a boy who can’t spread rumors about you in your high school locker room.

Jessica said she was 20, which is a little surprising. Then a random Playmate says she was 24, which I think is a complete lie. A) I think she was trying to one-up J and B) she doesn’t even look 24.

Hef shocks everyone when he tells them he was 21 or 22 when he first had sex, because he was in the military for two years before he got married. Holly explains that this was the norm back in the olden days. This makes me conclude that she must not have ever watched Pearl Harbor.

Oh GAWD. This conversation again. Next we’re gonna talk about our favorite positions.

The next day, it’s finally time for Hope’s test shoot, which takes place in the mansion sauna. When Hef comes in to check on her, he and Hope pose for a pic together – but not before Hope makes sure her long hair isn’t blocking the view of her nipple.

Mr. Hefner says some of his typical Hef-isms, like “Hello there” and “Lookin’ good.” I’m starting to wonder if he’s already started to give his brain the Walt Disney treatment.

Back inside the mansion, Hef and Holly look through all of the girls’ test shots as some suspenseful music stolen from the LOST soundtrack plays. To increase the sense of drama, we hear some last minute testimonial from some of the hopefuls.

Jessica: If I get 55th Anniversary Playmate over the other girls in the house, that would mean that I’m the shit. It’s, like, the highest honor.

What are Nobels and Pulitzers compared to being an Anniversay Playmate. (Sidenote: How unimpressive is being the 55th Anniversary Playmate ANYWAYS? I mean, the 50th is pretty important, but who cares about the next one five years later? Do they have Anniversary editions every five years?! I bet they just made it up for the show.)

Dasha’s testimonial is, um, a little confusing.

D: If I win I would have chance to help my parents and help myself.

She needs to buff up on her spy knowledge of English. Maybe she does need that translator after all.

Back in the mansion, Holly asks Hef who his favorites are. He points to Dasha, then to Hope, and then to Crystal. Wait, what? The twhores are not finalists?! YAAAAAAY!

But wait, how do they come to live in the mansion if this is the end of their interaction with Hef? If I were him I would NOT be impressed – they seem pretty snooty and he tends to go for the bubbly girls with annoying laughs. Do you think circumstances will chance? How sure are we that the twins move in to the mansion anyway? Have the gossip mongers lied to us? What is the dealy?!

My plan is a go! Bwahahahahahahah