The Girls Next Door: Diamonds Are Promiscuous

This week on Girls Next Door the twins are still at the mansion. Wait, WHAT?!

Last week’s episode ended with Hef revealing his fav three 55th Anniversary Playmate candidates, none of which where the home-wrecking twhores. So why didn’t Mr. Hefner bounce dem hos’ asses out of the mans?Apparently, each of the six (ehh, five and a half?) girls has scored herself a Playmate pictorial. And they’re all going to shoot them this week and continue crashing at the mansion. Blast! This must be the time when the twins make their diabolical move on the Hefster.

We open with the girls hanging in the mansion hallways. Hope is wearing her freaking sailor hat that we were introduced to last episode. Hef tells her she looks like a cute first mate. Seriously, could he BE any punnier??

So can I have my check, mate?

And if you listen closely, you hear one of the girls mention that they went skinny dipping in the grotto AGAIN the night before. Then one of the twins goes, “Was that before or after the shaving cream?”

There are only three possible things those nimrods could have done with shaving cream. One — Take turns slipping ruffies in each other’s drinks, then putting shaving cream on the unconscious’s hand and tickling their nose with a feather. Two — Slather shaving cream on Holly and Kendra’s cars so it ruins their paint jobs and erases all traces of blood from Kendra’s hit and run from earlier in the night. And three — shave each other’s coochies. Which do you think went down?

In one of the most boring filler scenes yet, girls next door, playmates, and soon-to-be playmates alike head to a theme park. Didn’t Hollz, Bridg, and some random playmates just go to Coney Island? Maybe large quantities of silicone seeping into your chest increases thrill-seeking tendencies.

Holly says going to the theme park is a good way to get to learn the girls personalities. You can learn how high maintenance they are and how fun they are. Ooor at least get to learn about their digestive track in reverse. Hope has never been on a rollercoaster before, but only complains for about five seconds before submitting. Guess the fact that playmates don’t have strong wills should go without saying.

The best part of the outing is that we got to see Dasha, the Ukrainian (coughcoughRussianSpy), binge on a big chunk of Americana. First, Holly buys her a giant pickle and Dasha looks horrified. She’s probably worried she might be awakened by a similar-looking creature one night in the Playmate House.

But much much softer.

Next Holly makes Dasha eat fried dough and a slurpie. Wait a minute, I see what’s going on here! This must somehow be the twin’s ploy to fatten their competition up so she’ll have so many fat rolls in her next photo shoot that she can’t possibly win 55th Anniversary Playmate and they’ll have to take her place. Like I said, diabolical.

After everyone has eaten (and likely purged) their fill, the girls head over to the token old-fashioned photo studio. Everyone dresses up as a slutty (aka nipples nipples everywhere) barmaid. That is everyone except Kendra, who, in the words of Bridget, “insisted on being a boy.” Surprised?

And she loves it. “I’m your pimp bitch,” gloats the white trash rapper. “You’re my ho!.” Wow, someone has control issues.

OK, lameo filler scene over. Now time for the girls centerfold shoots over at the Playboy studios. But there’s some bad news — these scenes are even lamer!

Hawt

Hope goes first this time. In her testimonial she tells this creepy story about how she saw her first Playboy mag when she was snooping in her father’s closet when she was seven years old. The creepiest part of this tale is that her already-warped mind thought, “Hey, I’d like to be in this someday” instead of “Ew, why is my dad looking at naked women who aren’t my mom, and why don’t these girls have morals? Or at least pasties?”

We learn that Hope hosts not just a Canadian TV show, but a Canadian fashion TV show. They play a clip of her on some icy Canadian red carpet and boy does she SUCK. I dunno about you guys, but I have no idea what Holly, or anyone else for that matter, sees in this girl. She is the definition of a pretentious b(wh)ore.

Her photo shoot is as boring as her — basically all she does is balance one leg on a bed that she’s standing next to. And she’s super awakward. The photog tries to make her feel better by explaining standing in that way for long amounts of time is like doing squats all day. Whatevs, Tom Brady could do 5 gazillion squats and still look smokin’ hot. You just blow, Hope.

Dasha’s shoot is the next day. Before she heads to the studio she takes a moment to have some quality time with Kendra’s pee-crazy dog. No, Dash, that warm feeling on your foot is not the pooch’s warm American love.

Always playing the part of the poor Eastern European, Dasha tells us how much being naked in an American magazine will change her life. “Now I have chance to make my dream real.” The much teach their girls to dream big in the bread basket of Europe.

One day I will have my own place. That moves!

D and Holly finally head over to the studio. While Dasha is getting her hair did, her stylist announces that he’s half Ukrainian… and half Polish. Upon hearing this, the doe-eyed Dasha disappeared and Soviet spy Dashinator came out. “The Poles are the sworn enemies of Ukrainians,” she sneered at the sniveling stylist. Then she split him down the middle with her switchblade stilettos and burned the Polish half. Poor guy.

Next the producers are kind enough to show us some photos from when Dash was little, one of which features an orangoutang. Seriously. Where were the exotic apes when I was growing up?!

We also learn that Dasha is a member of a Ukrainian girl band! I haven’t had any success finding a vid on YouTube but if you guys can locate it be sure to post it here!!! I can’t even begin to imagine the hilarity that music video would contain. Think there’d be orangoutangs??

Dasha’s shoot goes really well and Holly, the photog, the Kraft Services guy, and Trashcan the local homeless man sing her accolades. We get it, Dasha rocks. D is feeling her awesomeness too. “If I am chosen for the 55th anniversary of Playboy I will be crazy with happiness.”

Crazy enough to invade Poland? I’ve got my eye on you, Dash.

The next day it’s Crystal’s turn, but when they show her getting ready in the mansion we see that the twhores are lying in sleeping bags on the floor. What, can’t afford an air mattress Hef?

Holly’s vintage red corvette is going to be featured in Crys’ shoot so Hollz tells us the backstory. “I love the roundness of it and I love the red and white. I just think it’s cute and cars don’t look like that anymore. So cute so cute. It’s my cute car.” Girl’s got a killer vocabulary.

Holly drives Crystal to the studio in her corvette and they get ready for the Route 66-themed shoot. Well, Crystal gets ready while Hollz skateboards through the hallways. For some reason, Crys is impressed. “Holly is so awesome. She is totally cool. She’s a very busy lady and I give her props. She does it all.” If by “does it all” means “next to nothing,” then I think Crystal hit the nail on the beached-blonde head.

In a randomly placed testimonial clip, Holly finally tells us what’s so special about scoring an Anniversary Playmate spot — money and diamonds! Anniv Playmates get paid about twice as much as your everyday Playmate and get a diamond necklace…in the shape of a Playboy bunny. That BLOWS! Do you think anyone will believe you that your bunny necklace is filled with real diamonds, and wasn’t actually bought at Spencer Gifts? If the winner is smart, she’ll pawn that thing as soon as possible. (What am I saying? She’ll probably get it embedded in her ass.)

Bad transition back to Crystal, who tells us she won lots of pageant titles in her past — INCLUDING Miss Hawaii and Miss Teen Illinois. Anyone else see any similarities with someone here? I think she’s got her eye on becoming Miss 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

I smell a future!

Bridget stops by the set after dropping Gismo off at the groomers and wearing a super tight hot pants onesie. Thank god they finally squeezed Bridg into the ep!

This brings me to a complaint I’ve been harboring for a while now. We barley see any of the three girls next door in Girls Next Door anymore! Whether it’s a symptom of the girls starting to split up in real life or just something the producers cooked up — it’s just not cool! This episode proves that you can fill this show with five really hot and really really dumb girls and you still don’t have half the entertainment quality H, B, and K give us. I’m going through serious Bridget and, dare I say, Kendra withdrawal!!! And even Holly isn’t as enjoyable when she’s not rolling her eyes at Kendra’s half-baked antics. Why can’t you guys just be a family again?!

Anyways, Crystal finally begins her Route 66 shoot with Holly’s vintage car. First Hollz and crew discuss having C change a tire in the shoot, but they decide to just have her lean over the open hood wearing only a pair of heels. The producers feed Bridg a one-liner in her testimonial. “I’ve never changed a tire before, but I’ve assisted and held the lug nuts.” These fake one-liners just don’t do it for me anymore.

Crystal says her shoot was fun, but that it was hard to stand still and make different facial expressions. How much would you guys love to see the Playmates model for Tyra and the gang at ANTM? It’d be a bloodbath. Ashton Kutcher — make it happen!

Still no boner? Maybe we should try new girls. Or a new penis.

Later that night at the mansion, Holly shows Hef the best shots of the three finalists. Hef says he likes Crystal since she’s the daughter of a Playmate. He likes Dasha because she’s stunning, but he’s worried there will be some controversy because she’s not American. (What kind of controversy are we talking about? Do Playboy readers send in angry letters to the editor between masturbating?) And he likes Hope because she’s all American (despite hosting a Canadian talk show?) and she’s really personable. So who will he choose?

He takes the pics up to his bedroom to jack off, I mean, think it over. A little while later, he calls his secret lover/secretary Mary. She answers the phone, “Yes Sir.” Awww, “Sir” must be her pet name for him.

So apparently that phone calls signifies that Hef has made his decision, because Holly starts talking about how she’s happy with Hef’s choice. Mary then calls the winner in under the guise of filling out paper work, but really she could have told her to come over to desecrate Stalin’s display case and she wouldn’t know the difference because the winner is DASHA! Yay I was totally rooting for her — she’s the only one who seems genuine and she’ll probably be able to buy solid gold mint juleps for her entire village back in the motherland.

It’s actually really cute when Hef tells Dasha she scored the 55th Anniversary Playmate gig because she’s not entirely sure she’s understood him correctly.

Hef: All the girls were both charming and beautiful, but there was no question in my mind from almost the beginning that you should be the one to be the girl in the 55th Anniversary issue.

Dasha: I will be?

Once she is assured she won, Dash freaks. She cries, she kisses Hef’s hand, cries some more, Hef offers her a hanky and she takes it. Then he gives her the diamond bunny necklace, which is another reason I’m happy she won. They’ll probably believe they’re real diamonds in Eastern Europe.

Dasha: I love this bunny!

Hef: Well, the bunny loves you.

Imagine how she felt when she earned her diploma. Er….

For those of you who don’t think inanimate objects don’t love you back, tell that to Kendra and her many many dildos. To celebrate Dasha’s win Hef and all of the girls head out to celebrate at a club, where one of the girls takes Lady Gaga’s lyrics a little literally, grabs a champagne bottle, and gets everyone hosed tonight. (Ah ah oh oh. What’s go-ing on on the floor?) (Love that song!)

Next we see a montage of all the other girls saying how they were secretly rooting for Dasha the entire time, but you can tell that fingers, toes, legs, and labia are crossed. They’re planning her assassination.

We end the episode with a whimsical quote from our fav Ruski. “You just need to have a dream and your dream will come true.”

I don’t know why, but I have a sudden urge to watch Anastasia.

Are you guys happy Dasha won? Does it really matter that she’s not American? Will we ever see Holly, Bridget, and Kendra together at the same time in an episode again??? Discuss!

***Note from the Editor: This recap’s lateness is not Anglo’s fault. It’s all due to Flipit’s crap technical skills. My apologies! xo