The Girls Next Door: Playmates + Softball = A Bloody Mess?

This week’s episode of Girls Next Door doesn’t feature the evil twins. Yaaaaay! Better yet, Kendra is organizing an event. And not just any event, a slutty softball game with just a hintof lesbianism. Consider it an early Chrismukkah gift from our fav E! producers.

This chick might be a little more realistic for ya, Hef. Just a Christmas suggestion.

We start off with Kendra accosting Hef, who is chillaxing on his bed as usual, and telling him about her big idea. She wants to start a Playboy Softball League, or maybe a Playboy Softball Weekend. Kendra herself would take the responsibility of scouting the girls and designing the uniforms. How selfless of her.

“Who doesn’t want to see a bunch of hot girls running around in booty shorts, scraping their legs?!” she asks Hef, in what I can only guess is an attempt to convince him that her idea is a good one. I think he was with you up to the bloody leg part, Kenny. What kind of softball spectator’s thought process is, “Oh those girls are hot. Ooooh they’re BLEEDING!”

Hef, probably willing to do anything to make that horselike voice cease, agrees to the scheme. “As with many things, you got me at hello.” OK, one, you messed that line up. And two, we’ve finally learned how Kendra convinced Hef to let her move in in the first place — hypnotism via common greetings.

Just don’t scrape your boobies, please. They’re worth a lot to me.

Luckily, Kendrizzle realizes she can’t plan this whole shindig on her own, so she turns to master of slutty ceremonies Holly. Kendra is excited because this is her one big chance to be a party planner. (Reading between the lines, it’s the last time she will be able to spend thousands of someone else’s dollars on inane frivolity.)

Kendra asks Brian the Butler to help her, and Holly jumps right in and requests a hot dog stand. Not again with the hot dogs! You better make damn sure you have the right freaking yellow mustard SANS specks, or Bridget will dijon yo ass. Kendra requests a lot of beer. Great, sweaty, bleeding, and belching skanks. Could this get any better?

Now this next scene I actually saw on The Soup before this episode aired, and I’ve been frothing at the keyboard to recap it ever since. It’s when Kendra goes to an American Apparel to choose some skimpy softball uniforms, and meets her identical twin from bizarro opposite land. It’s Jonny, a super gay version of Kendra avec man parts.

Jonny ushers Kendra into a freight elevator (what kind of American Apparel is this?!) and immediately tells her that she’s so hot she’s turning him straight. Kendra has never heard such flattery before in her life. “No, you’re turning me gay!” she retorts. She quickly realizes that statement sounds too convincing, so she throws in a limp wrist for effect.

There’s someone for everyone.

After they both gab and giggle at each other simultaneously for a few minutes, Jonny realizes the elevator has not been moving. He, Kendra, and his two purse-sized dogs (did I mention the dogs?) are trapped. Sweet Jesus — E!, you may have just stumbled upon your next reality show.

Unfortunately, Jonny mans up and shrieks for help through the freight elevator’s grate door. The security guard standing five feet away moseys to their rescue. Damn.

Finally arriving in the store, Kendra and J-boy pick out several pieces of athletic gear — aka tanks, Ts, and short shorts — for Kenny to test out. She goes into the dressing room while Jonny and the doggies wait outside. Well, one of the doggies at least.

The other dog, apparently horny for some plastic titties, sneaks under Kendra’s dressing room door to check out what’s going on. Jonny is scandalized and yells at him. Hey, dogs can experiment too, Jon.

Kendra runs into some other dressing-room trouble in that only one of her nipples is hard. She is perturbed, and commands it, “get hard, get hard!” That’s what happens when someone cuts your nips off, stuffs your boobies with saline sacks, and sews them back on. Just ask that tacky over-emotional karate surgeon on Dr. 90210.

The ‘Drizzler ultimately chooses some booty shorts and tanks in blue and red. She also orders hef a Member’s Only-style jacket, that Kendra likens to pajamas. She wants to have it embroidered with “Team Hef, 1953.” She’s also having the girls’ uniforms screen printed, but we have to wait to find out what they say.

You’re being taught by the wrong guy, hon.

Next, Kendra heads back to the mans and meets up with Playmate AJ to look through the Playboy Encyclopedias (whaaaaat?!) to find athletic-looking playmates. Kendra is somehow able to distinguish the hundreds of plastic blondes from one another and creates a list of girls to invite to the big game. After a pathetic attempt at counting that includes fingers, toes, nipples, labia, and Hef’s wrinkles, Kendra realizes she has forgotten two very important people — Holly and Bridget.

OK first, you know things are bad on the mansion-front when the last people on Kendra’s mind are her two other co-stars. And secondly, I just realized Bridget has yet to be in this episode! Now, I’ve rotated favorite girls next door as I’ve watched this show over time. First I liked Kendra for her pure ridiculousness and entertainment value. Then I moved on to Holly, who I pitied for her naive and seemingly selfless devotion to Hef (which we now know was a hollow, hollow lie).

But for the past season and a half I’ve been all about Bridg. I think she’s the most intelligent of the bunch and has found the optimum ratio of sillyness and chillness. I loooove the Gismo-Wednesday relationship, and I think B is the only one of the three that knows Hef is a show pony and is going to (ahem) ride him for all he’s worth. (Many people have disputed me on this last point, arguing that Bridget seems to be the only one who thinks she’s in a serious relationship. I think they’re wrong — she’s just a better actor than most give her credit for.)

So, given that the tabloids have led us to believe that Bridg either a) left Hef last out of the three or b) is still with Hef, then why have these past four or five episodes been so Bridget-less??? I think I miss the painstaking looks she would give Kendra most of all.

Encyclopedia Clitannica

Anyways, to continue on with the whole softball theme, Kendra takes Holly and Playmate Laura Croft to the batting cages. (How much would you guys have loved to see Bridg get pelted with balls in the batting cages?? OK I’ll stop whining now.) Kendra does her best to teach Holly, who of course cannot make contact. Holly is not discouraged. “That doesn’t stop me from going out there and trying to bust some ass.” As long as you don’t bust your nose, hun.

Kendra selflessly offers to show Hollz how it’s done, and hits every single ball while, not surprisingly, looking super butch. Holly takes the ‘Drizzler’s pointers and tries again. She hits one! She hits two!! She hits lots!!! I’m impressed. Could coaching be Kendra’s calling? Bahahaha. Kidding, kidding. (Seriously though, has there ever been an episode where we’ve seen Kenny interact with children before? That could make for some fascinating television. Ashton Kutcher, get on it!)

OK it’s finally the morning of the game and YAAAY — Bridget is all suited up, super cute, and ready to play!! First Coach Kendra has the girls warm up so she can scout her team, and let me tell you, it is not looking good. To give the girls credit, they do seem to actually try… but also fail miserably. Kendrizzle doesn’t seem to be bothered and she munches on Cheez-Its and checks out the pickings. (I love when Kendra eats Cheez-Its because they are my all time favorite cheesey cracker. Seriously, so tasty.)

Another sidenote: I’m watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians right now and it’s the episode where Kim shoots her Playboy pictorial and I just got a great idea — Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe should move in with Hef!! I might actually watch a Holly- Bridget- and Kendra-less GND if those shows merged.

Or bring in this hottie. Sawiing batter!

Alright, back to the softball game. It’s time to pick the teams. Kendra is the captain of The Playboy Ballaz, wearing blue, and Playmate Victoria is captain of The Playboy Playaz, wearing red. Kendra picks Bridget first, then Victoria picks Holly. Orchestrated much?

Bridg says she’s glad she’s on the Ballaz. “Isn’t it funny that the Ballaz are blue?” she asks. “Blue balls.” Funny. Holly says she’s glad she was picked to be in the Playaz because she loves the color red. Yes, Hollz, we know. You love your red corvette and now you love your red softball uniform.

There’s a big crowd forming at the field. Kendra’s mom is in attendance, probably hoping to convince Hef to let her move in to Kendra’s soon-to-be-vacated room. Mary, Mr. Hefner’s lover/secretary is also watching festivities, as is the American Apparel Jonny. Hef finally shows, wearing some weird black shirt with white images of Marilyn Monroe all over it. There is an announcer broadcasting the cringeworthy play-by-play and Ray Anthony, who is apparently a famous band leader, plays the national anthem on the trumpet. Oh yea, Kendra’s bother, arguably the luckiest teenage boy of all time, pitches for both teams.

Way to stay current.

Kendra is up to bat first and gets on base, mostly because the first baseman sucks. Bridget is up next, and she looks adorable in her little uniform and pigtails.

Kim Kardashian Playboy photo shoot update: Kim’s original pictorial wasn’t scandalous enough so they had her come back in for a more revealing shoot. And as Kim is crouching spread eagle with nothing covering her other than several long stands of pearls, Kendra appears from out of the blue and says, “Wow, that’s hot, that’s hot.” Do you think she can smell television cameras?

Um, where were we? Right, Bridget had just stepped up to the plate. First she has a swinging strike, but then she hits the ball! Go Bridg! When she heads to first base we learn that Bridget runs like Phoebe in the episode of Friends when she jogs with her limbs flailing about like nobody’s watching and eventually convinces an embarrassed Rachel to do the same. So cute!

The Playaz must eventually get three outs, because next we see Holly at bat. After sticking her butt out and wiggling it for Hef, she actually hits the ball! …And then slides into first, but not before being called out. Hollz, did they not have T-ball up in Alaska? You ALWAYS run through first base. If you ran through you might not have been out.

Still, Kendra is impressed with Hollys relative bad-assness.

K: Wow, I’ve never really seen anybody slide into first base before… That’s great! Now that’s a real woman!

H: Thanks man!

Watch out Holly, if she’s turned on enough by your sports skills she might rape you in the dugout after the game.

OMG is your cooter ok?!?

Next we see a montage of how badly some of the girls suck. Valerie is so bad that Kendra tries her best to help her, even though she is the captain of the opposing team. One girl falls down from swinging, and one particularly special girl keeps throwing her bat after she swings, nearly killing the umpire several times. Kendra explains to her that you have to just drop it once you hit the ball, but of course the next time the girl makes contact the whips the bat behind her and wipes out before reaching first base. I have to hand it to the producers on this one — this is great fodder for comedy.

At the “half time” show all of the butlers come out in waaaay too-small pink Ts and are holding pink pom poms. Kendra is horrified. “Bellies hanging out! Hairy bellies!” Hah, bet she hasn’t seen a man with hair on his body in a looong time. The butlers have learned an interesting cheer. “Give me an H! Give me an E! Give me an F!” Eeeeverything has to be about Hef, doesn’t it?

When the game continues Bridget gets a good hit, and makes it home when the chick after her gets to base too. Are these girls improving before our eyes, or are the technicians in the E! editing room playing with our minds? Holly gets a pretty good hit later on, which she attributes to Kendra’s awesome teaching skills.

In the last inning Victoria gets a huge hit and Holly, who was on base, sprints for home. Kendra retrieves Victoria’s ball and throws it to the catcher. The catcher tags Holly out, and then Hollz falls flat on her ass. Soooo funny. Can next season only consist of playmate softball games? Please?

Could do with less of this, though.

Apparently the Ballaz win, but none of the girls really seem to care. Then Kendra gives out game-superlative trophies. Bridget wins the “Biggest Balla” award. I have no idea what that means, and neither does Bridg. “I don’t know how I got that. I have not played softball since high school.” (Has anyone else noticed that Bridget is the only one who alludes to ever having been educated? I wonder what grade K and H made it through…)

Playmate Mariam wins the “Best-Looking Tits of the Game” award because she has huuuuge tatas. (That must have been the most coveted award of the day.) Hef wins some special award that Kenny cooked up for him. Some random playmate congratulates him on it, to which he responds, “Thank you. I’ll see you girls in the shower.” Way to sleaze-out America’s pastime, Hef.

The episode ends with a shot of Hef/Holly’s wing of the mansion while we hear the audio of Hef cheering Holly on at the game. “Yeah! Yeah! Go! Keep going! Yeah! Hit a home run Holly!” Now why would you leave a man who’s so supportive of you when you play in a frivolous sporting event? Oh, right, he’s older than your grandfather.

So were you guys satisfied with that episode? Did it remind you of a simpler time — before the girls stopped quasi-prostituting themselves in a non-manogonous relationship with someone who qualified for AARP 20 years ago? Why do you think our Bridg is so MIA?? And why were the twins suddenly dropped from the story line? Think they’ll sneak their way back in soon? Tell me what you think!

Consider this a Christmas present.