Glamour Belles: No Fan of Joann

On this episode of “Glamour Belles,” our heroine pretty much does the same thing as the last episode.

Our first clients are Leah Beth and her mom, Gay Beth. Yes, that’s her name. Let’s not be judgmental. This isn’t the 80s.

Anywhoo, after four years away from the pageantry world, Leah Beth is ready for her close-up. She wants old Hollywood glamour. She wants to feel as if she’s walking the red carpet. And she wants to look older than her tender 20 years. Like with all fields of entertainment, the pageantry world appreciates the experience and wisdom only seasoned veterans can exude. Which is why Paige only picks out dresses that show off the girls.

Again, there’s much talk of boobs. As I said in my last recap, these folks love boobies. Well, except maybe Jared. There’s the $3800 halter with the keyhole opening to show off her cleavage, but it makes Leah Beth look as though she’s going to the porn awards. The next dress has the same problem. But Joann’s Dresses in Union City, TN is a classy joint, and Paige is able to find Leah Beth a beautiful gown that makes her look like a Bollywood dancer.

Leah Beth: I can see myself winning in this.
Gay Beth: You better, or I’m out 1800 bucks!

The whole time, Joann wants to help. Oh, the audacity! We know by the episode title, “Joann Strikes Back” that she’s just gonna be a huge pest. And she is! She has the nerve to say, “How about this one, Paige?” that’s met with such revolt you’d think there’s going to be a hostile takeover. Joann is banished to the couch so she can take her elder abuse sitting down. (OK I’m lying. Paige has about all the aggression of a sloth, but somebody needs to spice this show up a bit!)

In the end, Leah’s choice makes her look at least 35, so she’s achieved her goal. But does it help her win? You’ll have to wait ‘til the end of this exciting episode to find out.

Leah Beth may have gotten exactly what she wanted, but Paige and her crew aren’t so lucky. It turns out Joann is here all week, and she’s already driving everyone nuts by dusting. How. Dare. She. But don’t worry, Jared will fix her sunny disposition. Each week the employees get a list of “honey do’s” to perform, and Joann is no exception. And that list doesn’t sit well with Joann. It includes:

• Take Out the Garbage
• Clean the Bathroom
• Mop the Runway
• Sweep and Clean the Stairwell

Joann’s not up for any of this, and you know I don’t blame her. Corporate America is starting to expect its employees to do more outside their job descriptions while getting paid less. And as a nation of underpaid, disgruntled employees we need to take a stand. Let me tell you if Flipit told me to clean his bathroom I’d probably … well, I’d probably just say no. Which is actually how I lost my last job, so lesson learned.

But I guess this isn’t about the job description. It’s about Joann’s diva behavior. She doesn’t “do” garbage. She doesn’t “do” stairs. And mop the runway? Not if it involves water. She might melt. After hearing her complain, Jared’s had enough. So he takes back the list and rather than revising it to make this old broad’s life easier, he adds, “Give Jared a compliment and massage every day.”

Oh, you just messed with the wrong person, buddy!

Oh Jared. Oh you little rascal! As a woman who has witnessed sexual harassment in the workplace, I have to say it’s really hard when a man in a position of power puts you in such an awkward position. You know that if you do, you may gain a promotion but lose your integrity. If you don’t you may be stuck working for $10 an hour for the rest of your sorry, sad little life. I personally have never gone down that route, which is the other reason I’m no longer working in the customer service industry. Joann’s no pushover though, and she throws it right back at him with, “How would you like a front and back massage?” OK. Who’s harassing who here?

Wow, Jared. You can dish it out but you just can’t take it.

But Joann will do anything to get out of doing the dirty work. After telling Jared “I’m gonna be the best employee you ever had,” Joann pays off the other employees to do her chores for her. These poor girls must not make a lot, because they jump at the chance. Hey, some people will do anything for 20 bucks.

We’re only on our second client of the recap, so let’s get moving. Kendal is all of 19 and also wants to look older. OK what is with these people? Maybe I’m too busy lathering on Oil of Olay to notice, but I don’t know any adult woman who’s dying to look older than she already is. Well, you better enjoy it while you can, skinny, cuz when you’re 30 you’re gonna eat your words.

And … OMG people this is getting so boring. Long story short, Kendal tries on an expensive dress, then she tries on another expensive dress and finally she picks the most expensive ($4000!!!), which looks a lot like the one Leah Beth chose and again makes her look like a Bollywood star. Hope they’re not competing in the same tournament.

No ostriches were harmed in the making of this dress.

Jared should check in with Joann to see how her chores are going. And did she pull a fast one over on him! There’s a hi-larious montage of girls cleaning the bathroom, throwing out garbage and sweeping steps. Paige admits, “Joann paid off almost every one of my employees. They probably made more money doing her dirty work than they did working for me.” Well, honey, maybe if you gave them a raise, we wouldn’t have this problem, would we?

Your better do it before she hops on that broom and puts a spell on you.

No show would be complete without a bratty child and her stage mother. Addie is a 4-year-old hurricane of naughty. Abby starts off fighting with Paige over whether Cinderella is real. She probably doesn’t believe in Santa Clause either, since she’s constantly being dressed like an adult. Everyone thinks her behavior is cute, so they let her get away with it.

Addie causes a lot of turmoil on the set in the store. She won’t have ANYTHING but the pink dress and her mother wants the blue one. And oh does she throw a fit: screaming, hiding, slamming doors. No one can seem to convince Addie that she can’t always get what she wants – not even with ice cream!

I have an idea: Spank her.

Rather than discipline the little devil, Paige comes up with a great idea: To pull the ol’ switch-eroo! Mom is going to tell Addie that she’s so pretty, she gets both dresses. Then when Addie’s not looking, she’s going to return the pink one and Addie won’t know the difference!

How can you say no to this face?

There’s just so, so many things wrong with this. Let’s first teach the child that no matter how she behaves, her looks will get her anything she wants in life. Oh, and lying is fine, too. I just can’t wait for when mom comes back with the dress only to find out they have a no return policy.

How did the dresses hold up?

1. According to Paige, “Leah Beth walked away with the roses, the rhinestones and the scholarship money.” So I guess that means she won?
2. Kendal’s $4000 investment really paid off, cuz she made finalist her first year in the big girls pageant.
3. Luckily, Addie’s brain hasn’t developed enough for her to remember the pink dress and she’s perfectly happy in the blue one. She earned some sort of trophy, too.
4. And Joann, well, let’s just say she made good on that promise of a massage for Jared. A foot massage, you dirty bird!

So now it’s time for our pageant question. After all, we need to be prepared!

If you could be any animal, which animal would you be and how can you change the world as that animal?