Glamour Belles: Sister, Sister

Hey guys. Or gals, I mean. I can’t imagine any men would be reading about “Glamour Belles,” but you never know. I’m sorry this is so late – Jesus came calling this weekend, and as an official Creaster, I was forced to answer. But I have a duty, and that duty is to bring you the last recap of this fabu show.

Episode six brings the return of the White family! I’m guessing the producers of “Glamour Belles” couldn’t find anyone else to sign a waiver, so they stretched their storyline out over two episodes. Anywhoo, if you remember Kaitlin White, she was the gorgeous 17-year-old with a lifetime of pageantry success ahead of her. Now it’s her sister’s turn! Little sis Alexandria isn’t terribly interested in pageants, but her crazy mom is making her do one.

Poor Alexandria has a lot to live up to. Kaitlin is a Miss Tennessee Teen USA and star in the making. Alexandria is pretty, but no Kaitlin. It’s like comparing Kate Middleton to her sister. Both are fine in the looks department, but one’s a princess.

Which one of these two would you ask to prom?

To ensure Alex’s success, they’ve come to the one place that can turn this tomboy into a diva. The first dress she tries on is ok, but doesn’t have that “sparkle” factor. So Paige pulls out a $1200 Grecian stunner, which makes your mouth drop when she walks out of the dressing room. It’s a beautiful moment until Paige practically strangles her to death via corset. In an attempt to make sure Alex doesn’t leave the store without feeling just as special as Kaitlin, Paige finds a way to lower her self-esteem even further. See, says Paige, we can make her even skinner by taking this in:

All we have to do is remove her lower two ribs and she’ll be the prettiest girl at the ball!

Once Kaitlin’s eyes pop back into her head, she is thrilled! Finally, she has gained her mother’s approval and will no longer be compared to her perfect sister! Now all she has to do is win the pageant to keep her family off her back for the rest of her life.

Oh sweetie, I’m so proud of you for once!

But that’s not all. Alex’s grandma and boyfriend Neil stop by to see her dress. Neil is way cute. He bares a striking resemblance to that kid who’s dating Kim Kardashian. Johnny Beiber? Bieber? However you say it, Neil looks like that kid. Or at least he has the same haircut.

See? Justin Bieber, right?

Whatever you think of Neil’s hair, he’s a great kid who loves his girlfriend. He just can’t stop starting at her and smiling. It’s a wonderful moment, even with all the post-menopausal adults in the room teasing him. Ah, young love. I hope it lasts forever and they get married and he goes to work at the factory and she pops out five children and doesn’t gain an ounce of weight and he never develops a drinking habit or strays and they don’t look back 30 years later and wonder why they didn’t do something more thrilling with their lives before they settled down. Yeah, it’s that kind of love.

I guess I’ve missed this the entire season but apparently, when a client finds the right dress, the staff of Joann’s gives them “the clap.” No, it’s not what you think. They literally just clap for them. So when Alexandria emerges as a Greek Goddess everyone, including Neil, gives her the clap.

Don’t worry – you can’t catch anything unless it’s skin-on-skin contact.

I want to make a disclaimer: Someone just told me it’s not Johnny Beiber. It’s somebody named Justin Bieber. And apparently, he and Kim Kardashian never slept together, cuz he’s only 17, and that would be wrong. And we all know that celebrities know the law and would never break it, so it was wrong of me to suggest that they were dating. Plus, from what I understand, this Bieber guy’s fans are psycho-crazy and tend to threaten every girl he knows, and we wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to Kim Kardashian, now would we? Nope. Not her. So to Kim, Bieber and his millions of fans, I apologize. I didn’t mean to get anyone all riled up.

And for those of you who aren’t pre-teens, you’re welcome.

Joann has not returned since she went missing last episode, but nobody cares. So we need to have some sort of inner-office conflict between store employees to make up for the void. And Paige knows just how to create one: She instructs Jared to redo the windows. But rather than his usual whining, Jared hastily agrees. It’s been awhile since the window dressings have changed – since the 80s, it appears – so Jared is more than happy to take on a creative project that shows off his artistic skills. But just you wait. The drama is coming soon, I promise.

Hey, wait a sec… I’m pretty sure I’ve been in this store! It’s the one on Hollywood Blvd. that sells stripper outfits, right?

Kimberly and her 12-year-old daughter, Heidi, are here for a dress for her junior high middle school pageant. (Seriously, you guys, what’s with the school pageants? Whatever happened to basketball or the Spanish club as school activities?) Kimberly is a friend of Paige – the type of friend you wouldn’t turn your back on for fear of being stabbed. Almost immediately, Paige and Kimberly are reliving their glory days and bickering over who used to beat who in pageants. And they are vicious. Paige said she won every time, then Kimberly says she did. They may be smiling while they play fight, but you know one of these women will be poisoning the other in her sleep tonight.

But they need to focus on what’s more important: Tending to Heidi so she can develop memories that will make her a bitter middle-aged woman someday too! Heidi is starting to compete with older girls, so she needs more sophistication. To further take away from her childhood, Paige picks out some adult dresses for Heidi to try on.

Paige likes the gold dress, but Kimberly likes the white one. Both look absolutely ridiculous on this poor child. They’re so big she looks like she’s re-enacting the wicked witch’s melting scene in “The Wizard of Oz.” But that’s not the dilemma here – it’s about which dress is going to help Heidi win. Here – you take a look and decide:

I have a feeling there’s gonna be a lot of alterations on this one.

It’s so cute when little girls play dress up.

Both are pretty bad, right? Paige points out that since she’s the expert, Kimberly better shut it. In the end, it’s up to Heidi to decide. And as a final blow to her mother, Heidi sides with Paige. Kimberly laughs it off and jokes that they’re forming a conspiracy against her, but the flicker in her eye warns you she’s already planning her revenge. And I think that revenge involves a shallow grave in her backyard.

Hey, how’s that window project going? Well, Stephanie is spray painting picture frames (that girl does everything), when Jared sneaks up behind her and starts a spray paint fight! Hey – I promised you drama and I delivered! It’s all fun and games until Stephanie sprays his Mohawk with gold paint.

The sexual tension between these two is almost unbearable!

Well, says Jared, that was just uncalled for! His starting it and Stephanie defending herself gave her absolutely no reason to get paint all over his precious, receding hair, so he throws a fit in front of clients and leaves. That puts Stephanie in an awkward position, where she has to tell Paige what happened. But before Paige can come up with a witty one-liner, Jared returns to accept his apology – which Stephanie gives him, even though she’s the one who ended up with gold nipples.

So all’s good and they’re back to work on their special window project. Jared, still on his power trip, won’t let anyone leave until the project is finished. Good to see he’s been humbled by the experience.

Since this is the final episode, the producers saved the most gut-wrenching story for last. Abbie and Allie are 12-year-old twins – but only Abbie is here to pick out a pageant dress. Mom tells the story of their premature birth, where they each weighed just over one pound and almost didn’t make it. If that’s not enough, Allie has endured seven – count ‘em, seven – brain surgeries in the past year, so pageantry is not in the cards for her right now. Not because she doesn’t feel well enough, her mom says, but because her hair hasn’t grown out yet.

Poor Allie has to watch her sister try on gown after gown before settling on a $450 blue dress. She’s dying to look like a princess and feel just as special as her sister! Well, says Paige, you’re just as pretty and you should do the pageant too! “Oh, please, mom, can I, please?” asks Allie as her mother shoots Paige a look of death.

I understand, but mommy’s not gonna spend $500 on something you’re just going to lose anyway.

Well, little does mom know that Paige loves kids. She doesn’t have any of her own, but she treats every minor client like her own, playing dress-up ‘n stuff! Cuz that’s all it takes with little girls – it’s so much fun to make them look pretty. You don’t have to feed them or anything. But in this case, that’s ok. Because Paige decides to sponsor Allie in the next pageant, regardless of what her hair looks like.

Needless to say, there’s a ton of tears. Allie has created her own Cinderella story, complete with princess gown and everything! It’s wonderful that Paige makes her feel so beautiful! But unfortunately – you’re gonna hate me just as much as I hate myself for thinking it – but unfortunately none of those surgeries did much to improve Allie’s fashion sense.

Yeah, I can’t believe I just went there, either.

She picks out the most hideous dress – it’s similar to her sisters, but looks like a cheap re-creation of an Academy Award gown. One that Helena Bonham Carter would wear. But Paige doesn’t try to intervene like she usually does. And I don’t blame her. Either she doesn’t want to break the kid’s heart – or she desperately just wants to get rid of that dress. Regardless, there’s a nice moment with both girls as they talk about their dresses in their secret twin language:

You go home to my family in England, and I’ll go home to your family in America, and they won’t know the difference!

The good news is Allie feels beautiful in her new dress – and it’s even more expensive than her sister’s! I thought this episode was about the bond between sisters – but it’s not! It’s about winning! Oh, Paige, thank you for creating what’s to become a lifetime of sibling rivalry!

Well, we’re finally finished! I’ve never been so thankful to hear Paige’s recap:

• Alexandria’s dress worked! She won the crown – so her sister can eat it! In your face, Kaitlin!
• Paige points out Heidi chose her dress over her mother’s, and “her next crowning moment is right around the corner.” So either she hasn’t competed yet or she didn’t win and Paige can’t admit she effed up. But I guess Paige still has the last word, since Kimberly is still out several hundred bucks.
• And Abbie and Allie had a wonderful time at the pageant, got a nod from the judges and impressed everyone. Oh crap. I’m crying. Thanks, Paige

And the window looks good. It’s a cool idea – dresses and accessories framed by picture frames. It’s like looking at a window within a window. Just like Shakespeare – a play within a play. I can’t believe I just compared this show to Shakespeare. Somebody take away my theatre degree, please.

The cast gives each other the clap. Hope they have good health insurance!

Well, my friends, we’re done with this season (and hopefully the whole series) of “Glamour Belles,” so here’s our last pageant question. You only get one more shot at this, so make sure your answer is a good one:

If you could be on any reality show, which one would it be and how would you use your 15 minutes of fame to your advantage?