Glamour Belles: Toddlers, Tiaras and Titties

***Please welcome our newest addition to the gasm family, TheCzar!

Lifetime is a basic cable channel that isn’t as well known in the reality world as, say, ummm … MTV. But when they do venture fully into that genre — Whoa, Nellie! You better hold on to your horses! Not only do they defy all stereotypes that Lifetime is just a sappy women’s channel with their gritty hard look at real pre-pageant preparations, but you’ll be on the edge of your seat wondering which dresses our heroines are going to end up with. You know, the types of dresses that can CHANGE THEIR LIVES!

I have no idea who this person is.

Or maybe they just put this together because the TV executives have finally run out of ideas.

Personally, I would love to see a show that revolves around bargain shopping at the Ross Dress for Less. But I guess I can’t always have what I want. So for my first assignment for you loyal TVGasm fans, I’m stuck with the “wild” antics of dress store employees and their “crazy” customers. Except this is no ordinary dress store. No, ma’am. This is a PAGEANT dress store that caters to aspiring Miss Americas, young and old (and by old, I mean like 30). And to top it off, we’re not selling dresses in New York, or Los Angeles, or Miami, or even Chicago. If you want the perfect dress for the perfect look, you have to travel all the way to Union City, TN. Cuz that’s where the magic happens, folks.

So if you like dresses, beauty pageants or the South, keep reading. If not, well, Monday night football should be back soon. Or maybe not, what with the lockout and all. Oh well, guys, guess you’re stuck with Lifetime!

The first episode is titled “Where Queens Shop and Jaws Drop.” I for one, found this very misleading. Maybe I’ve been living in Hollywood way too long, but the term “Queen” means something totally different to me. Unfortunately, RuPaul doesn’t show up. But then again, the title “Glamour Belles” suggests an extreme version of high-society hicks that plays on the most absurd Southern stereotypes, and we don’t quite get there either.

We jump right into it by meeting Paige, our lovable protagonist and the owner of Joann’s, a high- end dress boutique in the middle of nowhere. You can tell by the sign that says “Main Street” and the mid-century building her store is housed in. Regardless of their location, Paige is a no-nonsense businesswoman who knows her stuff. Having been a former beauty queen herself, she has the chops to help her clients achieve their dreams. After all, just look at her:

Do I LOOK like a pushover to you?

Now having watched the whole episode I have to admit, she isn’t lying when she says she knows her shit. The dresses are no where near as terrible as you might imagine them to be. OK, some of them are, which makes me suspect that maybe Paige gives her second best to those whom she thinks don’t have a chance in hell of winning.

But here’s the surprise factor for us unassuming non-pageant urbanites – these dresses are ridiculously expensive. With each fitting comes a price tag, properly displayed at the bottom of the screen. I’ve been a bridesmaid nine times, and all nine dresses didn’t collectively total what most of these women spend on one.

Not everyone who walks in the door is looking for a pageant dress, as we can see by Paige’s first customer. Her name is Paige, too. To avoid any more confusion, we’ll call her Little Paige and our store owner (ahem) Big Paige. So Little Paige is a former beauty queen who’s going to be walking down the aisle soon, and heaven forbid she wears her wedding dress for the reception.

Little Paige’s fiancé isn’t a professional basketball player, but he sure looks like one. And looks are important to Lil’ Paige. So more than anything she wants a reception gown that will trump every dress she’s ever worn – and she also needs something to “keep the girls in.” After a lot of screaming, giggling and crying, Big Paige finds Lil’ Paige the perfect party dress to compliment her perfect wedding. Yes, Little Paige is perfect and her fiancé is perfect and everything’s perfect, you guys. I give it three years.

Just a disclaimer: These chicks spend a lot of time talking about their boobs all day. They love boobies. In fact, they find them just as awesome as my 3-year-old nephew does. So gear up, peeps, cuz there’s going to be a lot of boob talk this season.

Wait. I just thought of something. If the store is called Joann’s, and the owner’s name is Paige, where did the name come from? Well, let me tell you. Joann is Paige’s “Momma,” and the namesake unfortunately isn’t placed there in her memory. Nope, Joann bursts into the store, ready to wreak havoc by complaining about the way she used to do things. Now, moms, if you want your daughters to like you, don’t tell them to display their dresses in plastic bags. That could set off a series of hi-jinks could land you in a reality TV show on Lifetime.

Mommie Dearest

Joann’s here today because she needs some tops hemmed. And every single thing she owns is leopard print. Crazy, right? How crazy is it that a senior citizen would wear something that was in fashion in 1972? And to top it off, she has 31 pieces – every single one in leopard print! Sexy vixen. To make matters worse, she’s apparently delusional, worrying that Paige might steal some of her outfits. She’s so nutty Paige is forced to reveal, “When Joann takes her medication, she’s fine. When she doesn’t, she’s a little off kilter.”

Got any alcoholics you want to out? Huh, Paige? I’m on the pill. Want to tell the world I’m a horrid slut? Cuz just like anyone else, I’m sure your mother greatly appreciates that the entire country now knows all her personal secrets.

Hey, since we’re on the subject of people in Paige’s life, now’s a good time to take a look at her employees. So far we’ve seen Jared lurking in the background, but now’s his time to shine. Jared is the store manager, better known as Paige’s “Gay Husband.” (And it’s a good thing she called THAT out, cuz I’m sure most of Middle America wouldn’t be able to tell.) Now I don’t like to judge right off the bat, but Jared might be kind of a bitch. Either that or he just really, truly despises Joann. That’s ok Jared – most straight husbands hate their momma-in-laws too.

Glamour Belles also features a couple of other employees, all of whom are too boring to mention right now. BTW, whatever happened to hiring actors for reality TV? We could really use them on this show.

Look, everyone, it’s Perez Hilton!

But dress selling isn’t all fun and games, you know. It can be really stressful, especially when you unexpectedly get some clients who need a dress like, right now. For a pageant tonight! And not just any pageant, but the West Tennessee Strawberry Festival! Paige was definitely not expecting this, although we better thank our lucky stars the cameras were there to capture the drama!

This is no ordinary client – it’s an 8-year-old girl! And she’s no ordinary girl, either! The “super-opinionated” Emma has been doing this half her life. In fact, Emma is so head-strong that she has the Gaul to calmly discuss what she wants and to provide insightful feedback on her choices. Gosh, says Paige, I would have never given my opinion as a young lady, which in Tennessee speak means, “You better know your place, you horrible, horrible child.”

Emma finds a dress she likes, but Grandma poo-poos it. Same with the next dress. Grandma must have the money here, because everyone listens to Grandma. Good thing, because she thinks nothing of dropping a whopping $450 on the final choice. The one that makes Emma look like an adorable baby chicken:

Let’s just hope Emma doesn’t plan on growing anytime soon.

Well, we have some time to kill, so we might as well meet Stephanie, Joann’s main seamstress. Stephanie left some of Joann’s (the person, not the store) leopard tops at home. Oh man, says Paige, you better bring them back so she doesn’t think I stole them. If you don’t I’m gonna continue to do a high-pitched, terribly annoying impersonation of my mother. And in case you don’t remember what I’m referencing, let’s flash back to the scene between us that aired five whole minutes ago.

Let’s put the humor aside and get serious for a second. Kaitlin is gunning for Miss Tennessee Teen USA and getting out of this crappy town. The family’s fallen on rough times, with her sick dad being the motivation to help her win. Kaitlin is a pretty and sweet girl who, unlike that little brat Emma, has no idea what she wants. And that’s how it should be.

Paige: Is there a dress you’re leaning toward?
Kaitlin: Ummm … I don’t know. That’s why I need your help.
She’s going to do GREAT in the interview portion.

We see three beautiful dresses on Kaitlin. Paige professionally describes each one, with the exception of one embarrassing “Sixteen Candles” moment:

Paige: Oh look, Jared, she’s gotten her boobies.

This family believes in democracy, darn it, so they take a vote. A vote that takes on about as much excitement as when Clinton ran against that old guy. It’s an almost unanimous win for the pink dress. The one that cost freakin’ $2600!

I hope Kaitlin’s little sister doesn’t plan on going to college.

No reality show would be complete without a “Where Are They Now?” segment. Well, Lil’ Paige had the wedding of her dreams. Emma looked like a 30-year-old in her dress – but she must have lost, since no one said anything. And Kaitlin won Miss Teen Tennessee, so I’m glad things turned out well for somebody in that family.

Oh, and Joann (the person, not the store) got all her leopard tops back – except for one. Hahahahaha!

As you can see, “Glamour Belles” has about all the excitement of watching an egg boil. But Lifetime has a whole hour to fill, so we’re blessed with another episode – immediately. Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait for that. I’m new here and just getting grounded, but I’ll have Episode Two of Glamour Belles up before you can answer this pageant question:

If you could pick any three people in history to come to dinner, who would they be and why?