Hey… Can we talk? *Cue slow, soft piano music* There’s something I’ve been meaning to have a chat with you about, Glee… Here, sit down. *BirschTalk pats the cushion next to her on the couch. Glee sits down, concerned.* I, uhh, I’m not sure how to say this because I really care about you, a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. My friends tell me you’re no good, but I yell at them and tell them they’re wrong and cynical. But… there IS one thing that I think we could do a little less of, and, well, that’s moments like this one we’re having right now… No, please, don’t make that face, you know what I’m talking about! Every other scene is a pep talk, or someone standing on their slippery soapbox and getting all emo and stuff, and you just can’t do that SO MUCH. Okay? It’s like telling someone you love them every five minutes. After a while it means less and then it even starts to get annoying at some point. I know you mean well but if you have something to say, just pare it down to one “the more you know” moment per episode. Alright? *BirschTalk tucks Glee’s hair behind it’s ear. Glee avoids eye contact. BirschTalk gently nudges it’s chin* OKAY? *Glee nods* Good… That’s all. Now let’s go get some ice cream…
Oh, hi! I didn’t see you guys there! Sorry, one sec. *BirschTalk turns to Glee* Glee, honey, go wait in the car, okay? I’ll be right out after I recap this episode… *BirschTalk turns back to you guys and kind of whispers.* I hope that wasn’t awkward for you but I just HAD to say something. I’m sure you understand. Especially after this week’s A Night of Neglect” episode. I know Glee is notorious for their weighing down the show with its’ moral discourse, but for whatever reason tonight was particularly heavy handed… Maybe that’s cause their wasn’t as much funny stuff happening so it made the soapbox taller than it usually seems… Let’s talk about why, shall we?
Ol’ Goody Two Shues brings us back from our little Gleecation with writing a bunch of numbers on the whiteboard. Sue has somehow tied up the Cheerio money that was supposed to go to Nude Erections in an offshore account somewhere. Now the glang has to figure out how much cash they’re going to need to get to Nationals in New York and Shue proposes they sell a boat load of taffy. Santana points out that they’ll never be able to do that, especially since she’s still being slusheed in the face. Mike Chang gets up to leave cause he can’t take their whining. He tells the glang that he, Artie, Tina and Brittany are on McKinley’s academic team, the Brainiacs, and that they too need some cash to get to their finals. They lured Brit into the club with Dots and they used her and her extensive knowledge of cat diseases to beat Sunshine Corazon’s team at Carmel High. Remember her? Last time we saw her Rachel sent her to a crack house cause she didn’t want the competition. I was happy to have her back. Love her powerful little voice. Cute little soft-spoken accented thing looks like a chipmunk… Shue tacks on the extra $250 the Brainiacs need and now the glang has been tasked with selling that much more taffy just in time for a commercial break.
Pacing around to some ominous bell tolling, Sue rallies up all the bad guys on Glee to bring down Nude Erections once and for all. Forming the “League of Doom,” she calls upon the powers of:
Dustin Goolsby, Coach of Vocal Adrenaline… HOT! AKA “Sgt. Handsome”
Sandy Ryerson, McKinely’s pothead ex-glee club teacher gay predator. LOVE HIM! AKA “The Pink Dagger”
Terry Shuester. MEH! AKA “The Honey Badger”
And of course, Sue, their fearless leader, calls herself General Zod. Which is, I believe, an awesome Superman reference. BTW, Sue’s right, if you haven’t seen the “Honey Badger” on youtube, WATCH IT. Youtube the The Crazy Nasty ass Honey Badger, narrated by Randall. Or don’t watch it. The honey badger won’t care. In fact, he won’t give a shit.
Everybody’s fav substitute teacher, and now, Will Shuester’s steady, Holly Holiday, chats with Shue over a homemade pizza. Holiday tells Shue that instead of selling taffy, they should have a benefit featuring songs by neglected artists since the glang themselves are feeling neglected. They’re going to call it “Night of Neglect.” The next day in glee, Shue explains what that means to glang. But I’m still confused myself…
In the halls, Sue divvies out the evil doer assignments. She tells Goolsby he has to break up Holiday and Shue. Which apparently should be easy for him since Holiday is “looser than a thrift store turtleneck.” Sporting a pink baseball cap with a dagger, Sandy Ryerson accepts his assignment from Sue to sponsor the new “Heckling Club,” at McKinley so they can ruin the big benefit.
The Pink Dagger isn’t up to Sue’s standards though, cause later, at the very first Heckler’s meeting, Sue takes over and congratulates Becky, JewFro guy and the black jock bully dude for making the team.
Cruisin’ the halls, Tina says she’s gonna do a Lykki Li song for her neglected artist number at the benefit. Mike Chang says he’s just gonna dance. Mercedes says she’s gonna do Aretha and makes up an excuse that doesn’t make sense for why she can do Aretha. Rachel says all that will be perfect to lead up to her singing Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” Again, they point out that Celine is NOT a neglected artist and Rachel says that SHE’s the one that’s being neglected. Mercedes says she thought she would do the last number and they start to give each other the “don’t mess with me, bitch” look when Finn walks up and tells them Sunshine Corazon is in the auditorium and wants to sing at their benefit.
The glang interrogates Sunshine in the auditorium to try and figure out why she wants to help them since they’re technically enemies. They all think she’s a spy, especially Rachel. Sunshine says she can sympathize with the academic team and she knows what it’s like to be alone, cause “she’s really short so even when [she's] in a group of people it feels like [she's] wondering alone through a forrest.” Puck at least wants to give her a chance to sing and so she performs Eric Carmen’s “All By Myself,” made popular by Celine Dion… The girl may not be able to speak, but man oh man, can she sing. I didn’t hear any robot help and she sounded amazing.
After, the glang argues with Rachel about including her in the benefit, and persuade her with Sunshine’s 600 twitter friends. Rachel says she’s on board as long as Mercedes doesn’t mind being bumped to the middle slot in the benefit. Mercedes agrees, hesitantly. Then the Brainiacs do their kind of cool nerd high five thing that I kind of like.
In the library, Zizes convinces Mercedes that she needs to demand a little more R.E.S.P.E.C.T. and not only stand up to Rachel but make outrageous demands so that she can gain respect that way. Zizes even offers to help her do it as her manager as long as she gets 10%.
Pillsbury is using an electric toothbrush to clean the counter in the teacher’s lounge. Shue finds her doing this and wants to know what’s going on since he know that OCD gets worse under stress. Emma tells Shue that Dr. Lord Have Murrrrcy wants an annulment, and since they never consummated their marriage, it was easily granted. Shue pretends he’s bummed about that and Emma starts to feel sorry for herself talking about regrets and having a handle on her OCD. Then Shue puts on some rubber gloves and starts shining some grapes for a toast in support of when she’s ready to really tackle her disorder. No, I’m not making that up. Look:
But those grapes haven’t even fermented yet!
See? I wasn’t kidding. And did you see who else saw that bizarre pep talk? Holiday Holiday. Cue disapproving “Saved By The Bell” audience. “Ooooooohhhhh.”
The Brainiacs appointed Finn and Quinn as the benefit heads but they’re having trouble with the talent. A “cut to” reveals Mercedes requiring a bunch of humidifiers and fluffy puppies to dry her hands on. Finn/Quinn go to Rachel for help in the talent relations department and Rachel and since Rachel can related to being a neglected star she says she’ll help out. Finn smiles a little too long at Rachel and of course Quinn notices.
Oh goodie! I like when they have Paltrow do her famous persons from history impressions. This time it’s Wallace Simpson. The bell rings, the class files out and Goolsby files in to hit on Holiday. She thanks him for approving Sunshine to volunteer for the benefit, he says he didn’t, and then proceeds to put the moves on Holiday. She tells him she’s with Shue, who walks in just in time to hear Goolsby talk about Shue’s abnormally small hands. They’re apparently so small he has to eat the Big Mac in layers. I love small hand jokes! Will stops him there though and says they’re at least big enough to knock out Goolsby’s teeth. So he jets, but then Shue and Holiday get in a little big of a tiff. Holiday says she saw Shue and Emma being all cutesy with each other in the break room and in an effort not to have a pointless jealously driven argument, Shue suggests they rehearse they’re duo for the performance. Holiday isn’t in the mood and Shue leaves the room with an awkward kiss goodbye. Hate those!
Rachel has all four of Mercedes’ humidifiers going at full blast and she explains to Mercedes and Zizes that Puck is out acquiring a puppy as they speak. Rachel also says that Sunshine will be performing the benefit’s closing number. Mercedes the artist and Zizes the manager are not pleased with this arrangement so they request Mercedes be carried into the auditorioum for the performance. They haven’t determined what it is yet that Mercedes will be carried in upon and the fat joke is just too easy right here so I will refrain. Plus, fat jokes just aren’t that funny to me for some reason… Small hands joke? Now THOSE are funny.
Kurt is giving Blaine a tour of McKinley when Artie and Britt wheel by to tell them to hurry up and get a good seat for the benefit show. Blaine notices Kurt watch them leave with a wistful look in his eye and they’re about to talk about that when we hear a homophobic self hating “What the hell are you two doing here,” from Karofsky. Blaine and Kurt call Karofsky out for being a coward. Blaine and Karofsky start pushing each other but Santana breaks up by overhearing and asking about Karofsky’s secret. She also tells Karofsky about all the razorblades in her hair and he walks away. Blaine thanks her even despite pointing out that they could have handled him without her…. Cute. The gays and lesbian are already forming an unknown alliance…
Santana’s phone buzzes and she rushes into the music room, looking quite hot and naughty, I might add, to announce that Sunshine isn’t coming to the benefit.
“That is one hot lesbian,” said the other lesbian, to herself…
Everyone starts to panic and they’re about to cancel the whole thing but Finn and Rachel rally the glang, even though they’re going to only be performing for 6 people. Tina is first up and she performs Lykke Li’s “I Follow Rivers.” Which was nice. Even though they tend to Disney-fy these types of quirky lesser known songs I still am glad that they’re doing them. If only for the artist’s benefit. Anyway, Tina’s version is a’ight but it doesn’t happen for long. The Heckling Club in full effect and sends running off stage in tears. She’s crying in the green room and Shue urges them to keep going. Quinn passes out salt water taffy to shut them up for a little while encouraging them to vote “Quinn for prom queen.” Next up is an lovely Mike Chang dance routine to Jack Johnson’s “Bubble Toes.” I thought I was watching the audition portion of “So You Think You Can Dance” for a minute, but it was wonderful all the same. Mia Michaels thought it was “bananas” and so did the audience.
Next up is Mercedes but according to Zizes, she’s “left the building,” as she doesn’t appreciate the way she’s been treated. Holiday tells the glang to go find Mercedes so she can go deal with the haters. Here comes the, I believe, the third pep talk/soapbox discussion in this episode. Or is it the fourth? Anyway, ironically, because I’m sort of doing it right now, Holiday talks about the insensitivity of judging and heckling, whether it’s in person or online, and the ramifications those things have on people. Jew Fro, Becky and Black Jock dude get what she’s saying but they end up just leaving McKinley rather than going back to watch the second half of the show. Before he leaves though Jew Fro guy asks Holiday to wait for him until he’s 18. For some reason that kid gives me the creeps. Which I suppose is what he’s supposed to do…
Meanwhile, Rachel finds Mercedes pouting in her strategically placed FORD SUV. Merecedes asks Rachel to spare her the pep talk, and I’m with Mercedes, but it’s too late. The soft, slow piano music has already started in and Rachel gives Mercedes the scoop on how Aretha Franklin really became the “Queen of Soul.” Mercedes gets the point but she still really wants that closing spot. Rachel says if she really wants it then she should go in there and take it from her…
Back in the auditorium, Sandy, the “Pink Dagger” is yelling for the show to start when Sue pulls him aside for a quick chat. They walk out and Shue walks in accusing Sue of the heckling. “You can’t prove anything,” Sue shouts as she leaves. The curtain comes up to Holly Holiday in front of a symphony of children. She sings Adele’s “Turning Tables” to Shuester, the only person in the audience. Which I’m sure they did on purpose but I still thought it was sort of pleasantly poetic… Paltrow didn’t sound half bad, actually, but her voice simply doesn’t hold up to Adele’s… It was a solid try though, and what’s more she put forth just the right amount feeling the song and the scenario required. It was only when they showed Matthew Morrison blinking slowly and supposedly sadly, was I reminded that I was watching people act…
Sue is yelling at Sandy for being a horrible heckler/ super villian. The Pink Dagger practices his catch phrase “You’ve been poked by the Pink Dagger,” which was awesome. Sue gives him another shot and tells him to get back out there. He runs back to the auditorium ready to heckle anything. But little doesn’t he know what he’s in for…
In the green room, the glang is asking Zizes where “her client is,” and Zizes doesn’t have an answer. They’re about to give up but Mercedes walks in with only one demand- that the glang watches her perform Aretha Franklin’s “Ain’t No Way.” Like Pink Dagger”, this too, is one of my favorite Aretha songs. And, I hate to say it, but unlike Paltrow, Riley’s vocal ability can actually compete with the Queen of Soul herself… This one got me a little misty eyed, you guys. I loved it. I also loved that the song automatically came with a huge gospel choir…
“Hallelujah! Hall- the heck did we get here?” Hey-Oh!
Mercedes leaves the stage with a standing ovation, and Rachel tells her she brought the house down and that her performance deserved to be the closing number…
After the show, Holiday tells Shue the glang was “amaze-balls,” and that she’s leaving for four months to go teach French. Shue asks if she’ll ever settle down and she says she probably will but not with him. Then she tells him he’s still in love with Emma and thanks to her counseling, she’s now available and feels the same way about him… Ooh, that means next week, should be a hot and heavy week for Pillsbury and Shue!
Shue finds Sandy in the music room and when he asks what he’s doing there, Artie tells him he’s going to pay for the Brainiac’s trip to Detroit. Gosh, I love that Sandy character. I always have though. Stephen Tobolowsky is a veteran worthy of his long career in the biz…
Sue gathers the League of Doom and scolds them in her office for their failures. Now in her hour of need, she turns to Terry Shuester. Who should have another last name by now… Terry give a smirk and then they quickly cut to the finals of the academic finals. It’s tied and they arrive to the last category Hermaphrodite Nazi Sympathizers.
Thanks Ms. Holiday!
And that’s this week on glee, my darlins’.
Thanks so much for sticking with me.
yours and everyone else’s,
Gline O’ the Week
“That song and the weed I smoked immediately prior, gave me a change of heart.”- Sandy Ryerson